Fantasy Baseball Advice

Todd Frazier went deep twice yesterday.  When asked the other day if Frazier would play, Dusty Baker said, “It could be (Miguel) Cairo.  I’ve got an idea what guys’ strengths and weaknesses are… We’ll see. It’s up to Frazier.   Okay, who switched out my mint toothpicks with splinters!  You know my T-picks kill the skunk breath!”  Todd Frazier is a damn fine specimen of underachieving-could-easily-be-achieving-if-he-starts-hitting prospect hitting nom-nom.  In the minors last year, he had 15 homers and 17 steals, year before 17/14, year before he helped pen Richard Marx’s foray into romance novels, “Hold Onto The Knights.”  What can’t he do!?  Not sure if that’s rhetorical, but I’ll answer.  I’m not sure he can hit for an average over .240 in the long run.  There’s a chance Rolen gets Wally Pipp’d even if he returns healthy and that ‘if’ is the size of Hasselhoff’s ego.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Aroldis Chapman – 1 IP, 0 ER, 2 Ks.  ERA is at 0.00, WHIP is at 0.57.  Dusty Baker said yesterday that the plan is for Aroldis to start someday.  That reminds me of a sentence I read recently in Scientific American, “Because of natural evolution patterns, it’s conceivable that pigs will fly someday.”

Vance Worley – Placed on the DL.  Went from a match-ups pitcher who could get lit to having an inflamed elbow.  Call the fire department!

Clay Buchholz – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks to lower his ERA to 7.77.  He looked fine yesterday, but, no kidding, I can’t believe he’s still in the rotation.  Like for real, or “Pho Real” if we’re going by the name of my Vietnamese restaurant that I’m minority owner of.  Last time I write up a bucket list drunk.

Daisuke Matsuzaka – Bobby Valentine said he’s not close to returning.  Red Sox fans exhaled.

Chase Utley – Yesterday, he took grounders.  Phillie fans inhaled.

Hiroki Kuroda – 5 IP, 7 ER.  Yankee fans burped.

Ivan Nova – Set for a bullpen session tomorrow.  Pop the champagne.  Super, Nova.

Fernando Rodney – Notched his 12th save and lowered his ERA to 0.48.  I’m guessing the Devil wouldn’t make any deals with him while he was on the Angels.

Carlos Ruiz – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 1 RBI and his 7th homer.  Hannah, so far and away the Phils best hitter so far, Hannah.  <–Almost palindrome!

Freddy Galvis – 2-for-4, with a run and an RBI.  He’s hitting near .400 over the last week and… nothing.  It’s good to see him hitting, but he could steal some bases (23 steals last year in the minors).  Somebody put Hot Stuff on his feet.

Alfonso Soriano – Before I even say it, I regret it.  I So-rue-iano.  Yet, he did hit his 2nd homer in as many games yesterday.

Clayton Richard – 7 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Hodgepadre!

Chase Headley – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer.  Truly a breakout year, which correlates to around 16 homers and a .265 average.  The mouth on the left side of the screen says, “Yawn.”  The mouth on the right side of the screen says, “stipating.”

Jose Valverde – Tigers are saying Valverde should be back by this weekend.  If you own Valverde, I’m not sure if that’s good news.  The Tigers are saying Benoit could see saves, but it might also go based on match-ups.  Benoit made me think of the WWF, which made me think of Words With Friends.  I’m surprised the World Wildlife Federation hasn’t made them change the name to Words With Pals or Words With Entertainment.

Austin Jackson – Left yesterday’s game with an abdominal strain.  He might get a precautionary MRI, and we know how well those turn out!

Carlos Quentin – Rehab assignment was shutdown as he needed a cortisone shot.  2008 called and said Carlos Quentin’s stats are being erased; they’re all lies.

Jason Bay – He’s about two weeks away from returning.  Yay.  Put the ‘Get Well Soon’ balloons on order.

Alex Presley – Has left the building.  He had the full-time job, but he Mr. Bungled it and is off to the minors.  Mr. Bungled it so bad the Pirates are turning to McLousy or Yamaico Navarro.  Navarro got the start yesterday and went 0-for-2, and was lifted for a pinch hitter.  In the minors, Navarro showed light power (10-ish homers) and light steals (12-ish).  He does have 3rd base eligibility in Yahoo and ESPN, but outside of leagues that only play Pirate players, I’d hold for now.  And in those leagues, who’s your 2nd draft pick?  Jose Tabata?  Do you reach for Hanrahan?

Brett Lawrie – Suspended only 4 games, but plans to appeal.  I’d love to hear the preliminary appeal discussion with his attorney.  Attorney talking to Lawrie, “We can either go with your frustration was stemming from the egregious strike calls made by Bill Miller.  Or we can go with a skinny guy in the front row was casting a shadow that made it look like there was a hat rack on the ground.”  Lawrie, “I think I can put a hashtag on that second reason.”  “Done and done!”

Colby Rasmus – 0-for-4 with 4 high fives to Bautista, Arencibia, Johnson and Encarnacion, who all homered.  I think Rasmus also worked in a fist pump to Thames, who doubled.

Kyle Drabek – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. the Yankees.  This is coming off a 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER effort vs. the Twins and 5 IP, 5 ER against the Angels, who just fired their hitting coach.  Kyle Drabek:  I Make Smart Money Look Stupid.

Wilson Betemit – 2-for-7 with his 6th homer.  Is Betemit available to teach Ryan Zimmerman how to hit?  Cause that would be helpful.

Omar Infante – 3-for-5 with two steals as he bats .336.  Omar’s coming yo!

Mike Minor – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER.  Not sure if I’ve verbalized it, um, writing, but this Minor shizz has got to be off your team until further notice.  You know how they have obits written ahead of time for celebrities?  Atlanta reporters have the tweet “Mike Minors” ready to go.

Ubaldo Jimenez - 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks to lower his ERA to 5.09.  Matthew Berry likes him as a buy low.

Dustin Ackley – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer.  Hey, his bats finally got back from Japan!

Michael Saunders – 2-for-3 with his 5th steal, which he dedicated to his dad, the Colonel.

Melky Cabrera – Scratched with a sore left toe.  He’s day-to-day, or at least that’s what the aliens told me who read his mind despite his best efforts to stop them.

Corey Hart – 1-for-3 with his 8th homer.  Surprised to see him in some comments as a guy people can pick up.  I’m assuming these leagues are shallow, but, as they said in 14th century China, assuming makes an ass outta of you and Ming.  To answer, yeah, he should be owned, especially now because he usually goes on tears.

Brian Dozier – 1-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer in four games, while hitting .286.  Okay, I’m talking him up solely because I dropped Cozart for Dozier.  Hopefully, things stay rozier.

Trevor Plouffe – 1-for-5 with his 2nd homer.  The Eskimos have a name for the sound of crap hitting the toilet water, it’s Plouffe.

Justin Morneau – He was activated from the DL and went 1-for-5.  It’s like he never left!

Ryan Doumit – To the DL for three weeks with a strained calf.  What an odd thing to find in a colander.

Josh Willingham – 3-for-5, 2 runs and 1 RBI as the Twins scored 11 runs.   My fact checking monkey tells me the Twins didn’t carry over this whole year’s worth of runs.

Felix Hernandez – 3 2/3 IP, 6 ER vs. the Indians.  F-Her, you should be embarrassed.  Luckily, I didn’t use the thesaurus for synonyms for embarrassed.  The Native American Anti-Defamation League has enough to deal with.

Bud Norris – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks.  I think he might be the unofficial winner of the most comments on whether or not people should pick him up.  Yeah, this Bud’s for you.

Carlos Lee – 3-for-4 with his 3rd homer, now hitting near .400 over the last week.  Ugh, first Alfonso Soriano, now Carlos Lee.  Kick me in the ass and call me Murray Chass.

Andy Dirks – 3-for-4, 2 runs and 1 RBI.  Hitting .370 out of the 2 hole.  Plouffe!

Eric Hosmer – 0-for-7.  Maybe he can work the count into something favorable then they can put in Mitch Maier.

Felipe Paulino – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks.  He’s kinda put together three solid starts (his 2nd one vs. the White Sox was a bit of bad luck).  His K-rate has always been solid, but his walk rate losses sight of the strike zone sometimes.  So far, he’s been in control.  The 1-something ERA won’t stay there, but he could be what you thought you were getting from Filthy Sanchez this year (not what you actually got).

Krispie Young – Hit a grand slam in his rehab game.  It was shirts vs. I sold my shirt for blow.  *checking notes*  Nope, different type of rehab.

Albert Pujols – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer to tie Gordon Beckham for 217th best in baseball!

Adam LaRoche – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 7th homer.  LaRoche has 29 RBIs and is hitting .339.  Yesterday, Hosmer pooped twice.

Wilson Ramos – Going for ACL surgery in 2-3 weeks and won’t be back this year.  Bernie Williams, “I’d love to play my guitar at the opening of the ACL!”

Ian Desmond – 1-for-4 with his 5th homer.  He’s hitting around .330 over the last week with 2 steals.  Shine on you crazy Desmond!

Henry Rodriguez – Got the save yesterday even after Desmond E’d a guy onto base.  HanK-Rod still mowed them down, showing no signs of his recent failings.  I realized something watching him.  He’s Charlie Sheen in Major League (or real life).  His stuff is insane, and he can’t control it.

Michael Morse – Made throws yesterday for the first time in several weeks.  He said, “I haven’t been throwing, so it was kind of like a monkey riding a bike.”  That sounds awesome!  I wanna see him throwing through flaming hula hoops while balancing on a seal’s nose!  Please!

Andy Pettitte signed to a minor league deal with the Yankees.  I guess the Yankees cause mass hysteria, so I shouldn’t have been surprised by how many people asked me if they should pick him, but, alas, you still surprised me, you.  In anything shallower than a 10 team AL-Only league, I wouldn’t go near him.  He wasn’t even that good his last few years of pitching, so I don’t see how you can expect anything from him a full year after retirement.  What this does show us:  Never trust a Southerner who says they are retiring early – Favre, Oswalt, Pettitte, Strom Thurmond…  “I just want to spend time with family, God and my tractor.”  Yeah, right.  Anyway, here’s what I saw in spring training for 2012 fantasy baseball:

Scott Baker – The Twins are saying Baker could start the season on the DL.  I’m saying he will start the year on the DL.  The good news, he’s getting one of his half dozen DL trips out of the way early.

Kendrys Morales – Felt no pain as he hit against minor leaguers.  Sounds like he should be good to go when the Angels face the Orioles.

Carl Crawford – Started to swing a bat again.  He’s still starting the year on the DL, but this is encouraging.  I actually love when good news comes out about a guy I want someone else to draft.

Jeff Samardzija – Sveum says Samardzija is all but a lock for the rotation.  Obviously strange S last names have to stick together.  Outside of NL-Only leagues, I wouldn’t mess with Samardzija.  Too many walks.

Matt Thornton – Robin Ventura said that Thornton and Crain are the best candidates for the closer job.  No surprise here, and it will be less surprising when Thornton gets the closer job, then loses it some time in July when hitters start catching up to Thornton’s melons.

Placido Polanco – Left a game on Saturday with a jammed finger.  Phillies then turned to reserves.  You’d think a jammed finger would turn one to preserves.  That joke setup felt longer than Tree of Life.

Logan Morrison – He’s experiencing swelling in his surgically-repaired knee.  Not great news at all.  He’s saying he should be good for Opening Day, but I’m not crazy about the thought of a guy who is having swelling the day after he plays in March.  If I’ve drafted him already on teams, I’m gonna make due, but I’ll probably not be reaching too high for him in future drafts.  The more guys I can avoid with minor injuries already, the better the sheen on my mustache.

Giancarlo Stanton – Will sit out a week with inflammation in his left knee.  Is knee swelling contagious?  I swear to the deity of your choice if I find out Logan Morrison contaminated Giancarlo’s gam, there will be a price to pay that includes, but is not limited to forever damnation.  Giancarlo should still be ready for the start of the season.  Bee tee dubya, I’m liking the name change to Giancarlo.  He sounds like a European playboy, race car driver.

Carlos Quentin – Out for 6 weeks because of knee surgery.  I’m not a doctor, but I don’t think the actual surgery will take that long.  Probably some rehab involved in those 6 weeks.  Twelve after twenty is the year major league baseball took a knee.  How’s that for pithy?!  Full of pith that Grey Albright.  Am I right or am I right-right?

Bryce Harper – The Nats beat their projected ticket sales for April so they optioned Harper to Triple-A.  Imagine Harper will be back some time in July, and no hell below us.  It’s easy if you try…

Francisco Liriano – Pitched a near no-no vs. the Pirates.  I’d like to punch him in his no-no area like the dwarf in Project X for what Liriano did to me last year.

Brandon Guyer – Was sent down by the Rays.  He went 14/16 last year in 107 Triple-A games, and, because of his age, he’s ready to go in the majors.  First sign of injury, Guyer will return and be worth rostering in most mixed leagues.  In AL-Only leagues, it’s worth stashing him on the bench.  Maybe we can convince the Rasmus Girl to do a “Guyer, let’s go” video.

Stephen Drew – Not only will he start the year on the DL, but the Diamondbacks are saying he won’t be back until May.  So let’s see what we have, Drew who hasn’t really ever been great, hasn’t played in almost a year and his timetable keeps getting delayed.  At this point, I wouldn’t draft him with your team.  The Honorable Willie Bloomquist will now be presiding in his place.

Shaun Marcum – Beginning to look like Marcum might not be ready to go for the start of the season, but it looks like he might only miss a start or two.  I would still draft him and not move him down ranking sheets.  By as early as May, you won’t even remember Marcum missed one start at the beginning of the season… Unless you get hit by a foul ball at the Brewers opener, go into a coma for a month and wake up in early May.

Joakim Soria – Left yesterday’s game with elbow soreness.  You’ve got to Joakim me?  Soria’s been lit up so far this spring and now there’s elbow soreness.  Then, after the game, he said he’s worried.  Yeah, I am too.  As late as Saturday, I thought Soria was in line for a bounce back, but then again I was drunk.  You would think Soria’s broken eggs would brighten up any Holland days, but Broxton and his huge ass could block him out.  Right now, I’d draft them all if you’re desperate for saves.  I think if the Royals have any sense in their head, they’ll go Holland first and, if you have only room for one, I’d go that way too.  Hopefully, Holland doesn’t have to go Dutch with the save opportunities.

Freddy Sanchez – Hurty Sanchez is doubtful for Opening Day.  Could mean more time for Mike Fontenot or Ryan Theriot.  Can someone please buy a hard T sound for them?

Chien-Ming Wang – Strained his hamstring and won’t be ready for Opening Day.  That’s a real shame because the Nats invested in that giant bullpen zipper for Wang to come out of.

David Wright – Won’t resume baseball activities, which includes but is not limited to scratching himself and spitting, until the middle to end of next week.  Member when the Mets were competing with the Yankees to be the team of New York?  Had Reyes, Wright, Beltran, Johan… The world their oyster, and they turned mollusks to bollocks.

With more outfielders than random hairs growing from my grandfather’s ear, we take it to the top 60 outfielders for 2012 fantasy baseball.  And, just like your grandfather’s ear hair, a lot of these guys are gross.  I don’t know what happened to the outfielders, they just went and got ugly.  You look at Ryan Braun like he ruined your childhood by taking a performance-enhancing drug, but at least he’s trying to put some offense back into the modern-era of baseball.  Now someone start manufacturing aluminum bats painted to look like a wooden bat.  Thank you.  As with the other 2012 fantasy baseball rankings, where tiers start and stop are mentioned and my projections.  Anyway, here’s the top 60 outfielders for 2012 fantasy baseball:

41. Carlos Beltran – This tier started in the top 40 outfielders for 2012 fantasy baseball and ends at Ichiro.  I called this tier, “Vets that I’m either lukewarm about or slightly more than lukewarm about.  Read the temperature gauge.”  If you get 140 games from Beltran, then you’re going to get a solid 3rd outfielder.  But if that “if” had hips it would drop it like it’s hot and never get up again.  On a side note, how awesome would it be if during Spring Training, the Cards have a split squad game and Wainwright throws Beltran nothing but knee-buckling curves?  2012 Projections:  65/18/80/.275/7

42. Nick Swisher – I’m not super excited about Swisher when I look at his ground ball rate going up and his fly ball rate going down, but I do like his side burns.  If Luke Perry were a ballplayer and I were Jennie Garth and we both hated Shannen Doherty then… Well, I have no idea where this is going so I’ll stop now.  2012 Projections:  80/25/90/.270

43. Carlos Quentin – A guy that has 30 homer power + Injuries + Petco = Death + Breathing.  2012 Projections:  60/22/75/.250/3

44. Ichiro Suzuki – I was telling people to avoid Ichiro for years and it seems like the public perception of him has finally caught up to my reality.  To incorrectly quote Drake’s lyrics, “Ichiro has faded way too long, he’s floatin’ in and out of public consciousness.”  Crazy for me to say, but I think Ichiro is slightly undervalued now.  Is he that different than Brett Gardner?  Yeah, maybe a tad.  Fielders sic Ichiro’s choppers and his gams aren’t what they were, but he doesn’t look done done, just maybe medium done.  2012 Projections:  80/6/40/.310/30

45. Jose Tabata – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Fowler.  I call this tier, “At least two of these guys will break out and shoot up the rankings for 2013.”  Even in his tizzerible 2011 season, Tabata still was on pace for 25+ steals if he got in a full season.  Also, he hit 4 homers.  Is he going to be a 15/40 guy?  Nah, not likely.  But 7/30 with a solid average and runs is… Okay, you know what I’m most worried about.  How am I gonna find players I’m excited about for the top 80 outfielder post?  Seriously, the entire top 80 outfielder post might be just one giant tier of guys I don’t like since I’m only at the 45th ranked outfielder and I’m hardly building much enthusiasm.  This is an issue.  Okay, enough negativism.  Tabata is one of my best bets to shoot up the rankings from this tier.  He has some power, steals bases and isn’t an average drain.  2012 Projections:  90/7/50/.285/30

46. Austin Jackson – Jackson is basically Tabata with the possibility of an average drain.  Jackson’s K-rate is tizzerible so he’ll need to luck into an average over .260.  With Fielder inserted into the Tigers lineup, opposing pitchers will have to attack the first two hitters in the Tigers lineup.  Keep that in mind when you read Boesch’s blurb, I may or may not repeat it.  You’ll have to wait and see!  2012 Projections:  100/9/50/.260/27

47. Delmon Young – Let’s see what Young has going for him.  1) He was good after his trade to the Tigers. 2) He’s out of Hubert H. Homerfree Retrodome.  3) He’s still only 26 years old.  4) There’s no 4.  5) He can fling a bat at an ump better than most.  Now, let’s see what he has going against him.  1) 4 of 5 seasons in the majors have been yawnstipating.  2) Blimpotence. 3) A hideous walk rate. 4) Still no 4.  5) He can fling a bat at an ump better than most.  2012 Projections:  70/17/80/.285/3

48. Cameron Maybin – Some may say that Maybin already broke out last year, so why is he so low on my rankings?  Some may be right, but you want to rely on Padres hitters?  Yeah, me neither.  Put Maybin on the Rockies and I’d have him in the top 25 outfielders.  2012 Projections:  75/7/35/.255/30

49. Lorenzo Cain – From this tier, Cain has the most upside, but he also has the most downside.  I mean, he’s gonna be 26 years old and he’s still yet to break into the majors.  Capricorns are late bloomers, but Cain is an Aries so I have no New Agey reason why he’s looking like a career minor leaguer.  But if I needed to shoehorn in a New Agey reason… An Aries is a Ram, it’s quality is a Cardinal and it’s element is Fire.  So it seems like Cain should play for the St. Louis Cardinals with their fire-red uniforms, but his planet is Mars, which has “ram” in it backwards.  Now the opposite of fire-red is ice blue and if you face St. Louis behind you is Kansas City.  So this is his year!   As of right now, he’s set to play center in Kay Cee and bat leadoff.  The table has been set, now it’s up to Cain to step up to the plate.  2012 Projections:  80/8/50/.280/25

50. Lucas Duda – This is more of a general point for upside outfielders than specifically about Duda.  The lack of enthusiasm you hear in my typees as I write up these blurbs is that some of these upside outfielders are on the Pirates, Padres, Royals and Mets.  Um, yay?  I’m not a Mets hater as some have accused me of, but Metco has a well-warranted bad rep.  Maybe the fences coming in will change all of that and we’ll be calling for a humidor in Metco.  One can hope, I suppose.  2012 Projections:  75/20/85/.280/3 (<–optimistic and still kinda whatever)

51. Brennan Boesch – If Boesch gets in a whole season, he could get you 25 homers and 10 steals.  Assuming he doesn’t take a dump in the 2nd half of the year or get injured.  To summarize what I said about twelve words ago in Spanglish, sin dumpo o mal healtho, then bueno.  2012 Projections:  90/20/70/.270/7

52. Dexter Fowler – One year with the Rockies, he stole 27 bags.  One year in the minors, he hit 9 homers.  Mark him down as a sleeper and move on (without mentioning he was caught stealing nine times last year and only successful 12 times).  Hey, it took me saying Maybin was a sleeper for 3 years before he finally broke out, maybe this is Fowler’s time.  You know, even a broken clock is right twice a day.  That’s more than Matthew Berry.  2012 Projections:  90/7/50/.270/20

53. Jeff Francoeur – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Joyce.  I call this tier, “Price is too steep for guys coming off career years so I’m probably going to miss out on these schmohawks.”  22 steals last year while being caught 10 times is, how do they say it?  Terrible.  So put that back to the 5-7 steals that he’s actually good for and you have a guy that has worse plate discipline than someone on The Biggest Loser with the upside of Vernon Wells.  Yes, his ceiling is Vernon Wells.  Sorry for the shot of reality.  2012 Projections:  70/22/80/.260/7

54. Melky Cabrera – Another guy with the caught stealing percentage that could even turn Joe Morgan against the steal.  Can we please get Michael Lewis to write a Dayton Moore book?  Call it “No Moneyball.”  Chapter 1:  Willie Bloomquist, Chief Justice of the Supreme Crap.  Chapter 2:  Stealing — If At First You Don’t Succeed, Try and Try Again.  2012 Projections:  75/14/65/.270/15

55. Matt Joyce – He hit 12 homers in the first half with a May where he donged 7 dingers.  I loved him then.  It was like a shawl made of a giant mustache wrapped around both of our shoulders as we watched When Harry Met Sally in an outdoor screening in a park.  There’s a very outside chance I end up with Matt Joyce on a team or two this year if he goes for cheap enough.  I don’t think he comes close to his 2011, but if he can start the year hot again, then maybe you can get a couple months of production and flip him for a Brain Freeze.  2012 Projections: 55/17/65/.265/10

56. Brandon Belt – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until the top 80 outfielders for 2012 fantasy baseball.  I call this tier, “You may get a top 20 outfielder from any of these guys.  Or a guy you want to drop by April 15th.”  I went over Brandon Belt’s projections in the top 20 1st basemen for 2012 fantasy baseball.

57. Eric Thames – With a full season of at-bats, Thames stands to have a huge break out…Or he’ll hit 20 homers and .250.  Right now, he’s in the 2 hole — not that there’s anything wrong with being in the two hole — while Rasmus is in the 7 hole.  Heresy!   Blasphemy!  Other words in the thesaurus!  I imagine Rasmus and Thames will flip-flop by May at the latest, possibly as soon as Opening Day.  Either the hoo, we’re just talking about runs vs. RBIs…Or are we?!  Yeah, we probably are, but Thames may see better pitches in the two hole.  It’s worth noting, so I did.  Worth Noting, II:  The Return of Worth Noting, the Blue Jays have, like, a dozen outfielders.  I like Thames for power, which is also called hydroelectricity.  Al Gore invented that.  After the internet.  2012 Projections:  70/20/75/.255/5

58. Yonder Alonso – Went over my Alonso projections in the top 20 1st basemen for 2012 fantasy baseball.

59. Nolan Reimold – I already went over my Nolan Reimold 2012 fantasy.  I wrote it prior to the O’s being boneheads and getting Betemit.  Play some Bruno Mars in the O’s front office and send in Tyler the Creator to kill everyone.  I think Reimold will still get his 500 ABs because Betemit will play some 3rd, isn’t an everyday player and Chris Davis is at 1st.  Only people that know how well Davis will do at 1st is your deity of choice and Bill James, which might be the same thing in some circles. (Which should not to be confused with Google Circles.  BTW, if Google+’s whole point was to see how fast people will abandon a social networking site, it’s a success.)  2012 Projections:  65/24/80/.250/10

60. Roger Bernadina – If I didn’t get burned by Bernadina last year, he might’ve showed up higher on these rankings.  Ooh, hold on, someone’s knocking on my door.  “Hey, it’s Excitement For Bernadina here.  I just moved into the building and wanted to say you shouldn’t give up hope on Bernadina.  He should be starting this year.”  Me, “The Nats sent Bernadina down last year and decided to start Brian Bixler.  If you know who Brian Bixler is, you’re related to him.”  Excitement For Bernadina, “I know, that was a tough blow.”  Me, “Blow?  Sending down Bernadina and starting Bixler was the equivalent of Bixler taking a bat and hitting Bernadina in the balls – assuming Bixler would actually make contact.”  Excitement For Bernadina, “I appreciate you, Grey Albright.  Please give Bernadina another chance.  Us Excitement For Bernadina’s have to stick together.  By the way, did you see a package from Amazon by my door?  It’s missing.”  Me, “Nope.”  2012 Projections:  55/10/65/.260/20

Snap, snap, claw, claw, save.  That’s The Save Vulture Dance.  Snap, snap, claw, claw, save…  Sing it like it’s The Electric Slide.  The save vulture is a scavenger bird.  They see weakness in others’ misfortune.  A closer goes down or struggles and the save vulture swoops in and gnaws on the closer’s handcuff.  Peck, Jim Johnson, peck.  Peck, Joel Peralta, peck-peck.  The save vultures are indigenous to rural and metropolitan areas, especially if there’s an injury.  Goodbye, Brian Wilson.  Hello, Sergio Romo, Santiago Casilla and Jeremy Affeldt.  Save vultures have trouble reproducing because they’re usually overweight guys who would prefer to listen to sports news than what the girl they’re dating is talking about.  “How does my manicure look?”  “Very pretty, Manny Acosta.”   “Did you just call me, Manny Acosta?”  “No.”  Joakim Soria has tightness in his hamstring; the save vulture has limberness in its loins that only Greg Holland can satiate.  If you need closers, there’s quite a few of them out there right now.  There’s also quite a few that you can drop.  Member when you were my closer, Fernando Salas?  Fernando Salas, “I don’t know who you are and why are you sitting on my couch in the dark?”  Doesn’t matter cause I just dropped you for Jason Motte and it felt great.  Snap, snap, claw, claw, save…  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Lonnie Chisenhall – Why don’t you pick up Lonnie Chisenhall?  Afraid of success?  That’s what your ex-wife would say.

Brent Morel – Has 4 homers in the last week with one of them coming off Porcello in a battle of the mushrooms that had the Smurfs gasping.

Juan Francisco – I went over my Juan Francisco fantasy the other day.  I wrote it while huffing grape-scented magic markers.

Omar Infante – If I was teammates with Infante, I’d be like, “What’s up, Toddler?!”  Then he’d be like, “It’s Infante, not Infant-e.”  “That’s cool, Toddler!”  He’d probably hate me.  It’s a’ight, I usually hate him, but right now he’s hitting (.346 in the last week).

Paul Goldschmidt – I’ll probably go all in with Goldschmidt next year, but he’s still a little raw.  To put that in Hell’s Kitchen-speak, if you’re owning Goldschmidt now, you’re probably walking with scallops about a minute early.

Derrek Lee – Back in the 50′s, when Lee was particpating in “Duck and Cover” drills, I wonder how he used to get under the desk.  Any the hoo!  He’s hitting, so there’s that.

Ryan Raburn – He hit two homers this week, and, yeah, I have a hard time trusting him too.  Appropriate his name contains ‘burn’ cause he’s done it to me a bunch of times.

Dee Gordon – Over the last week, he’s looked pretty lost at the plate but he could steal 5 bases this weekend.  It’s like that old joke; you own Gordon cause you need the eggs.

Marco Scutaro – He’s been hitting the cover off the ball Roy Hobbs-style.  Though, hitting the cover off the ball Marco Scutaro-style means one homer and a couple of doubles.

Jon Jay – Even before the Holliday injury, Jay was starting and hitting.  Jon Jay Jingleheimer Schmidt is my fifth outfielder and can be your fifth outfielder too.

Allen Craig – Now he should get extra playing time because of Holliday’s injury.  He reminds me of the best and worst of Infante.  Cute, but peeing in your face when you change his diaper.

Drew Pomeranz – (Or Matt Moore or Brad Peacock or Shelby Miller or any other top pitching prospect.)  These adds are more for dynasty and keeper leagues.  As for other starters at this time of year, they’re all either addable or droppable depending on their matchups.  If you want some under 50% owned starters, look at my borderline fantasy starter post from yesterday.

Wilin Rosario – The Rockies moved on from Iannetta.  In Double-A, Rosario had 21 homers in 426 plate appearances and only walked 19 times.  Sounds like the Rockies found themselves Miguel Olivo Jr.  I will now call you Miguelito, The Tiny Olive.  I wouldn’t run out and add Rosario outside of NL-Only keepers and deep two catcher leagues.

SELL

Adam Jones – Hey, he’s making himself undervalued for next year.  We can appreciate that, right?

Nelson Cruz – He might start, uh, starting games tomorrow or Sunday.  Then he might sit for a day, start, sit, etc. etc. etc.  If you have room to switch him back and forth from your bench, then you hold him.  Otherwise, I want someone I can trust to play.

Kevin Youkilis – Youuuuuuuk looks like puuuuuuke.

Mark Reynolds – He’s in one of his 6 for 40 stretches that makes you want to reconsider your Mini Donkey tattoo.  Or at least it does for me.  Stupid permanent ink.

Carlos Quentin – Ozzie’s currently infatuated with De Aza and Viciedo, which is fine by me.  I’m not hatin’, I’m statement statin’.

The Big Donkey, Adam Dunn, was a big ass.  Carlos Quentin’s status is TBD even when we know the ETA which we don’t right now.  This leaves Dayan Viciedo playing.  It’s addition by the subtraction of Ozzie’s choices.  “Can Brent Lillibridge play first and third at the same time?”  Things Ozzie has recently asked his bench coach.  Viciedo was always a top Cuban raftee and, through his first four games, he has a homer, steal and is batting .538.  Maybe we shouldn’t defrost Ted Williams’ head just yet, but you don’t need Mapquest to know he’s going in the right direction.  Not to mention, I’m not even sure Mapquest still exists.  Start a viable service and Google will take you over.  I like your concept, Groupon, I will now do the exact same thing.  With Viciedo’s 3rd base eligibility, he’s worth a flyer anywhere you need a corner infidel.  That’s right, patch Dayan into your team for Golda Meir.  (If you didn’t need to Google that last line, props to you.)  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Jack Hannahan – Perennial Carson favorite hit three homers in two days this week and .420 (stoner!) in August.  Didn’t hurt that he brought his liger to the clubhouse to scare Lonnie Chisenhall.

Kyle Seager – Last week I suggested he was like Omar Infante.  We’ll call him Omar Little.

Omar Infante – Speaking of the devil.  He’s been relatively hot recently.  If your relative is hitting near .300 over the last week.

Luke Hughes – Has four homers in the last week.  Maybe you should pick him up.  That’s my Hughes clues.

Dee Gordon – Guess who’s back?!  Dee Gordon, man (and three girl readers).  C’mon, that was easy.  His name is in front of this blurb.  If you need speed, Dee Gordon’s like Jeff Gordon without the car.  I have no idea if that makes sense.  I don’t know Nascar.  I’m guessing there are cars though since it’s in the name.  It’s not Nasbicycle.

Cliff Pennington – Hitting near .400 over the last week and has three steals in the last five games.  Plus, if you have a category in your league for Players That Sound Like They Should Be Wearing Plaid Pants, Cliff Pennington wins you that category.

Jose Altuve – Through 154 ABs, he has 2 homers, 4 steals and he’s hitting .305.  So, of course, his ESPN ownership went down from 9% to 7.4% this week.  I’m guessing Craig Biggio owns 20,000 fantasy teams and is bitter.

Mike Trout – 4 homers and batting .400 since his recall.  He’s a bit green, Scioscia may not play him, which has me blue, but if you don’t add him, you’re yellow.  And that’s my rainbow Trout.

Brandon Allen – I was thinking to myself, “Grey, there’s no reason to mention Allen this week.  He must already be over 50% owned in ESPN.  Also, could you scratch your back?  I’m itchy.  Thanks!”  Turns out Allen is nowhere near 50% owned.

Austin Jackson – I’m not a fan of a leadoff hitter with a sub-.320 OBP.  Rickey Henderson says, “Rickey Henderson says amen!”  But Jackson is currently hot, hitting near .400 over the last week.

Leonys Martin – I just went over my Leonys Martin fantasy.  I wrote it while sipping a Mint Julep, wearing a big floppy hat.

Alejandro De Aza – This is a pretty tentative buy.  He has been hot, but I think that could end by the time I finish this sent–

David Murphy – He’s the type that is unownable for the better part of a season then becomes relevant.  I wouldn’t put Baby Boo-Boo’s college fund on it, but I think he’s about to go through one of those relevant stretches.

Jordan Schafer – I wouldn’t pick up Schafer outside of a NL-Only league.  I don’t like where he’s playing, not a huge fan of his but he does provide some speed and a bit of Zimmermania.

Brandon McCarthy – Last game, he K’d 10.  He hasn’t had one month over a 4.00 ERA all year.  As for his lousy record… Too many Urkels on his team, that’s why his wins low.

Javier Vazquez – Hey, I was burned by him too.  I get it.  But he’s been good for two months now.  Stop being a pill and pick him up.

Doug Fister – Usually the lack of Ks is a problem — a than but no thans, but over his last 21 2/3 IP he has 18 Ks.  So that’s an old issue of Fister’s Journal, which I do not subscribe to and would not Google.

Bobby Parnell – You know what the kids in Washington Park say about this part of the Buy section?  Coca, puff-puff, SAGNOF!

Sergio Romo – You can’t tell me the whole time he was growing out his beard it wasn’t some kind of All About Eve plot brewing behind the scenes.  Just happens that Wilson gets hurt and Romo jumps in to replace him and all the windyweather fans in San Fran are like, “Hey, our touristy beards we bought at the souvenir stand still work!”  Then again, Santiago Casilla, Jeremy Affeldt or Ramon Ramirez might get saves too.

Steve Cishek – I think he gets the most saves in Florida in September and Nunez has multiple meltdowns.  It’s called a hunch, like how Guy Fieri eats a sandwich.

Jesus Montero – I just went over my Jesus Montero fantasy.  I wrote it while wearing an orange jumper, picking up litter on the side of the highway.

SELL

Freddie Freeman – Had a heck of a season, if you’re the type to use a word like heck.  Almost sorta blasphemy!  Freeman has 18 homers through 5 months.  What’s that?  3.6 homers per month?  It’s worth taking a chance on a hot hitter; you’re not gonna miss out on much with Freeman.  And what on earth does sixth-tenths of a homer look like anyway?

Michael Cuddyer – Another guy who has 18 homers on the year, but this schmohawk is also dealing with a hurt wrist.  Ride or Cuddyer?  I’d ride.

David Freese – He has 8 homers in 266 ABs this year.  So, unless he gets 400 ABs in September, I’m thinking you can move on to a hot schmotato.

Nelson Cruz – This kinda goes for any player that is on the DL.  If you don’t have DL room, lose him and move on.

Alexi Ogando – You guys had a good run.  Get his address and you can send him a postcard.  But get him off your team.

Tommy Hanson – Mmmdrop.

Mitch Moreland – Oh, mamma mia, mamma mia!  Mamma mia, let him go!