Washington Nationals: Another turn on the closerousel for the Nationals, as Henry Rodriguez is no longer taking the ball in the 9th. BiBi showed the world on Wednesday that Davey Johnson was wrong for demoting him by allowing a homerun and walking a batter without recording a K. Tyler Clippard locked the door Tuesday with a clean outing and a K, picking up the save. He’s in the pole position for the job and has the skills (13.2% career swinging strike rate, 2.97 career ERA) to keep it until Drew Storen or Brad Lidge return. Sean Burnett has had slight issues with right-handed bats in his career – a near even walk-to-strikeout rate and a FIP/xFIP a full run higher than against LHB – and may grab the odd save based on matchups or if Clippard is used on consecutive days. Craig Stammen has flourished in his transition to the bullpen, but hasn’t been used in many late-inning situations as of yet and is likely third in the pecking order.
Cincinnati Reds:Sean Marshall continues his 2+ years of dominance by putting up career bests in K (31.4%), BB (4.4%), and GB (59.1%)… oh, and his .476 BABIP led to several blown leads and Aroldis Chapman inheriting Marshall’s post in the Red regime. Viva La Revolution! Chapman has struck out 43 of 91 batters faced and owns a 0.42 FIP this season. Those are not typos. He struggled throwing strikes last season and still put up a 3.60 ERA with a 1.30 WHIP. He may well end this season with an ERA under 1.50 and a sub-1.00 WHIP. Word is that Chapman doesn’t like pitching in back-to-back games; Marshall will get a save opportunity in such a situation.
Chicago White Sox: Robin Ventura has officially named Addison Reed the closer for the Pale Hose. Reed’s lowest K% in the minors was 34.2% – he’s the best pitcher in the White Sox bullpen and will package his saves in a bundle of strikeouts. Expect his walk rate to drop a little as an added bonus. Jesse Crain looks to be the add if Reed falters.
New York Yankees: Joe Girardi indicated Wednesday that Rafael Soriano will be the closer even when David Robertson returns from the DL. Soriano is missing fewer bats and throwing fewer strikes than last season, so if you own Robertson, enjoy the Ks and wait until Soriano lights himself on fire.
Los Angeles California Angels of Anaheim Orange County:Ernesto Frieri has struck out 37 of his 82 batters faced this season, and 19 of 32 since joining the Angels. Scott Downs has sat down 7 of 50 batters on strikes. I did the math, it says Frieri should be owned. He obviously won’t continue to strike out 3 of every 5 batters he faces, but he’s a better pitcher than Downs and as soon as Downs has a rough inning I think Frieri officially gets the nod.
Chicago Cubs:Rafael Dolis farted liquid from the mound again Wednesday, allowing 3 runs on 3 hits and 2 walks before getting pulled. Kazaam! He throws his fastball 90% of the time and sports a K/BB ratio of 10/13. I’m amazed he’s even in the big leagues. James Russell is next in line for saves for now, and he possesses a 15/10 K/BB mark in 21 innings. That counts as sparkling on the Cubs. I honestly think Carlos Marmol falls back into the job when he comes back from the DL, and would be the only Cub I’d own at gunpoint. The entire Cubs bullpen is an unmitigated disaster.
Arizona Diamondbacks:J.J. Putz was hosed on what should have been a called second strike and a thrown out runner at second base, but alas, he surrendered two walks and a double, blowing his third save of the season Tuesday night. His velocity was 90/91 MPH for the night, and he’s had trouble with first pitch strikes this season (51.5%, down from 65.9% last season). He’s throwing total strikes at near career rates, and batters are chasing more of his pitches out of the zone than ever before; Putz’s problem is that hitters are teeing off on pitches in the zone, making contact at a 92.2% clip (86.5% last season). Assuming his velocity drop was a one night issue, I think he’ll regain his command and be fine. His struggles seem like statistical noise at this juncture.
San Francisco Giants: Brandon Crawford cost Madison Bumgarner (and me) a win by booting a groundball, and Santiago Casilla (and my opponent) picked up the win in extra innings. No breaking news here, just wanted to reveal how petty I am. Sergio Romo is a better pitcher, but arm issues prevent him from handling an every day workload, thus Casilla is the man for the Giants.
When Heath Bell looked like garbage on Sunday, Frank Francisco returned serve with three of his own runs. It was like watching a tennis match between Jon Lovitz and that guy from Felicity. Rather than getting the hook by his manager, Frank-Frank was ejected for arguing balls and strikes. The ump should’ve told him, “With your stuff, I wouldn’t have the balls to throw strikes either.” Jon Rauch is next in line here, but, before the ink can dry on his neck, he could lose the job too. Though, I would grab him, in the non-sexual way. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Ike Davis – Sat out yesterday with flu-like symptoms. Like. Oh. My. Gahd. I hopes it’s not Valley Fever.
Heath Bell – Ozzie Guillen has come to the conclusion that Edward Mujica and Steve Cishek are simply just as awful at closing games as Bell has been, so they might as well go with the guy with the bad contract. So, once again, Bell is officially unofficially your Marlins closer and, as previously mentioned, he gave up two runs on Sunday. I’d continue to hold Cishek and Mujica. Bell needs to either go to the Disgraceful List or do some mop-up duty. Despite the closer craziness, the past week the Marlins have got it done, winning 10 of their last 12 games. A rational person might say to me, “The Marlins have played the Giants, Padres and Astros as of late, don’t get too excited.” I am an irrational person, so it must be their new uniforms!
Giancarlo Stanton – 3-for-5 with a grand slam. Is it just me or are you waiting for him to announce his name is actually Giancarlos Tanton?
Brian Fuentes – Was named the new A’s closer. I literally wrote everything else in this post then came back to this to make sure he was still the closer. If I wake up at 3 AM tonight and stumble back to my office, he may no longer be the closer. He’s on a short leash with a cone and muzzle. If he gets too far off the leash, he doesn’t give his owners rabies, he gives them ERAbies.
Brandon McCarthy – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks. Look at him K’ing people with reckless a-Brandon. McCarthy feels like one of those guys that you can get for cheap in a trade, but could be way more valuable. He’s literally in every fifth comment as a guy people want to drop, and I use the word ‘literally’ metaphorically.
Jarrod Parker – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners (4 BBs), 5 Ks. I doubt anyone’s actually buying (as in trading for), but you should be careful with Parker. He’s due for some Liquid Paper getting dropped on his stats.
Bud Norris – Got the win on Friday with 6.0 IP, 1 ER and 8Ks. Old James MacDonald pitched 8 innings and also struck out 8 in a pitchers’ duel. And a Bud at McDonald’s is a combo meal in The Bootheel of Missouri.
Bryce Harper – On Friday, he threw his bat at the wall in frustration and needed 10 stitches as it bounced back and hit him in the head. ESPN is auctioning off the bat with the proceeds going to TD (Teenaged Dipshits).
Wilson Ramos – Torn ACL and out for the year. On the positive side, he’s now way too gimpy for kidnappers to lug around.
Danny Espinosa – Got a couple of hits on Sunday, homered Friday and Saturday while adding in two steals. If it’s not obvious and you need me to spell it out, he’s H-O-T.
Henry Rodriguez – 2/3 IP, 4 ER with a massive blown save on Sunday. I shut the game off before the Votto grand slam, knowing it was coming. Then after it happened, I refreshed the box score a few times hoping it would change. It’s a soul-crushing defeat when you know it’s gonna happen, then don’t believe it when it does. Must’ve been what it felt like when Dewey tried to move his stuff into the White House with only a copy of the Dewey Defeats Truman newspaper.
Brian Dozier - 2-for-5 with his first homer. I wouldn’t expect much here; he’s pretty yawnstipating. It’s no coincidence that his last name is French for sleep (not true).
Scott Diamond – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks. Now has back-to-back 7 inning scoreless starts. In AL-Only leagues, he could provide some value if he can continue his low walk-rate and so-so K-rate. But in AL-Only leagues, Bruce Chen is valuable, so take that with a grain of salt, which is a crystal as is a diamond. How’s that for circular reasoning?
Andy Pettitte – 6 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks vs. the M’s. Against a major league offense, that’s 5 IP, 5 ER. That’s not exactly a comeback on par with Lance Armstrong returning less nutso.
Carlos Ruiz – 6th HR on Friday. Ruiz is batting .330 and leads the Phillies offense along with Juan Pierre. Or JuanCarlos if Stanton’s renaming them.
Jimmy Rollins – 1-for-4 with his 1st homer. Only one more to catch Chone Figgins!
Jesus Montero - Hit a home run on Friday against his old team as he punishes New York for trading him to the Mariners. You could taste the bad blood. Mmm… Iron.
Justin Smoak – Hit a homer yesterday and is 6 for his last 12 as he got to hit away from Safeco. Gets Fenway and Coors this week and could be a short term play. Seriously, no kindling with Smoak.
Addison Reed – Robin Ventura is planning on splitting his save chances between Thornton, Reed and Santiago. I think it’s appropriate to call Ventura by his cartoon onomatopoeia name: VenturARGH. And, because Reed seemed like the guy to own, he gave up 6 earned runs in a third of an inning yesterday. To give up 6 earned in a third of an inning is, like a bowling alley that doesn’t cater to dwarfs will tell ya, no small feat. At this rate, I don’t think I’d pick up any White Sox relievers in any shallow mixed league. I need this ulcer? No, no I don’t. If you really need the saves, I’d grab Santiago, Reed or Thornton, in that order.
Chris Sale – 5 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks. When you go for a ‘precautionary’ MRI (something I get all the time!), and you’re moved around to help ‘save’ your elbow, then throw a pretty mediocre start, I think something is wrong and you’d be wise to sell him quickly. But I’m not a doctor, though I did fall asleep while watching a Scrubs rerun last night.
Carlos Beltran – 4-for-5 with 2 home runs and 4 RBIs on Friday and hit his 13th homer on Sunday. He’s doing his best Albert Pujols impression, the pre-Angels Pujols. Yes, it took Pujols to go to the Angels to become mortal. The irony!
Allen Craig – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer on Sunday, after homering on Friday. Bad enough that he double-dipped on first names when there’s people without one — R. Kelly, “Tell me about it!” But now there’s people out there who can’t buy a homer in their leagues (me!) and this guy now has 5.
Rafael Furcal – 3-for-3 with his 7th steal, while batting .383 on the year. Still think he’s more of an Early Bird Special than a Zombino. You get two Facebook Likes if you understood that.
Lance Lynn – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks. If you’ve owned him all year, you know this is less spectacular than he’s been. Or spectaculess, if you like portmanteaus.
Josh Hamilton – Homerton was 3-for-4 with two more home runs on Friday to bring his total to 17. The first player since Albert Pujols (who?) in 2006 to hit that many home runs in only 33 games. Then he hit his 18th homer on Saturday. 18 homers? I have 31 homers in one of my NL-Only leagues.
Mike Trout – Got his first slam & legs on Friday. In related rookie news, ESPN ran a feature on Bryce Harper’s TD telethon.
C.J. Wilson - Got roughed up in his Texas homecoming by Hamilton and the boys 1/3 IP, 3 H, 4 ER. Then Matthew Modine started screaming “You wanna have another go at it” and Wilson agreed. So, on Saturday, he went 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks. Then on Sunday, he rested. Geez, with the God complex.
Mark Reynolds – Lands on the DL after throwing batting practice on Friday. He said, “I got carried away with what I was trying to do. It just looks so easy to strike me out.”
Xavier Avery – O’s called up their outfield prospect and played him in left field yesterday as he went 0-for-4. Now for the Mystique behind X-Man. He has some speed (and very light power), and will struggle to hit for much of an average in the majors. In AL-Only leagues, he’s SAGNOF.
Jake Arrieta – 3 2/3 IP, 7 ER vs. the Rays. He’s been absolutely clobbered in his last two starts. I’d definitely look elsewhere, since I’m not a huge fan of O’s starters to begin with. My O’s starter face is a straight line for my lips and a slow blink of the eyes. It looks like ‘meh.’
Nick Johnson – Homered in back-to-back games that he started (Friday and Sunday). He was in good spirits after the game, smiling in the locker room.
Danny Duffy – Left yesterday’s game with what is being described as “medial left elbow tightness.” Sounds like medial up a different starter.
Alcides Escobar – 3-for-3, 2 runs and 1 RBI. He’s been on and off my teams so many times the elastic is completely shot.
Jeff Francoeur – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs with his first Frenchy fly of the season, or Freedom Fly if you’re still harboring shizz.
Desmond Jennings – Has now missed six games with a sore knee. Instead of day-to-day, they could’ve told us day-to-week. Might’ve been helpful.
Ben Zobrist – Slam and legs with a side of mash (3 hits!) and Elliot Johnson also slammed, legged and mashed. Johnson is 7 for his last 13 with two steals and a homer. Could be a nice pickup if you’re struggling at MI. BTW, if someone asks you if you’re struggling at MI, your answer is IM.
Carlos Marmol – Since the start this year, he looked like Apollo vs. Ivan Drago in the exhibition match. Finally, the Cubs threw in the towel with Marmol’s head landing on top of it and on the Disgraceful List.
Bryan LaHair – Since Friday’s Sell, he’s 1-for-14 with 6 Ks. Cust kayin’.
Jeff Samardzija – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks. The best thing I can say about Samardetc. is I wish I owned him on all my teams.
Rickie Weeks – His wrist showed no breaks and his bat showed no hits.
Kevin Youkilis – Cleared to swing a bat. Sounds like positive news for a guy at Hedonism after a cliff diving accident.
Will Middlebrooks – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. If Youk pushes Middlebrooks to Triple-A, there’s gonna be a letter written to Jimmy Breslin from a Son of Sam Horn.
Matt Kemp – Left yesterday’s game aggravating his tight hamstring. Said he’s going for an MRI, but will only miss a game. Um, well, guess we can hope. How do we get this hammy cured? Because those are delicious.
Juan Rivera – Could miss two months with a ruptured hamstring tendon. Dude, c’mon, the day of rupture isn’t until December 21st.
“Just because we share some organs doesn’t mean you can’t hit 2 two-run homers for each of us!” Josh Hamilton had a night that makes you feel like you’re seven years old again. You remember it. When the birds chirped, it made you smile. When your dad carried you on his shoulders, you were on top of the world. When you peed the bed, no one tried to commit you to rehab. People pinched your cheeks without you having to pay some stranger on Craigslist $75. You’d throw a pebble into the lake without worrying if you hit someone in the head and blinded them if your insurance would cover it. A time of joy. Wonder. No Splenda. That’s what Josh Hamilton did for us last night. And he also gave his stupid fantasy owners 4 friggin’ homers, going 5-for-5 with 4 runs and 8 RBIs. Why don’t I have him on every team?! I would not try and sell him high because if he stays healthy (it doesn’t have to be that remote of a chance, you cynical bastard), you have an MVP. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Adrian Beltre – 2-for-5 with a homer. Pfft, wake me when you hit three more!
Scott Downs – Angels say Downs will be ready to return by Wednesday. The Sciosciapath still considers him their closer. Downs goes Frieri! Downs goes Frieri! Yeah, worked better when he was on the Blue Jays with Frasor.
Chris Sale – Last week, Ventura anointed Sale the closer. So…he brought him into the 8th inning yesterday. Plausible explanation: He wanted his best reliever in a close game. Also, plausible: Sale is not the closer. Also, plausible: After all of those Nolan Ryan noogies, Robin Ventura doesn’t know how many innings there are in a game. Addison Reed got the save with another perfect inning. He could easily be the closer…Or Santiago…Or Sale. It’s basically a closerf**k.
Dale Thayer – Literally, within five minutes of me dropping Cashner and picking up Thayer, he was blowing the game. You still don’t believe The Closepocalypse is real? He got lucky on a foul ball by Scutaro that was nearly a homer and another ball hit a baserunner. I’m holding Thayer for now, but I wouldn’t be surprised if someone else closed the next Padres game.
Josh Thole – Mets placed him on the 7-day DL with a concussion. Hey, I’m no doctor, but from what I’ve gleamed from five minutes of noodling around WebMD and watching how other players have reacted to concussions. Are we sure the DL for concussions should be less time than the norm?
Jon Rauch – Got the save yesterday. One small step for Rauch and one giant step for men over six-ten. Francisco had worked the last three days, so this save for Rauch just shows the pecking order behind Francisco and some flashy neck tattoos. “Yo, I’m gonna peacock my neck!” That’s Rauch after reading up on pick-up artistry.
Dan Haren – 3 2/3 IP, 5 ER vs. the Twins? This doubled the amount of runs the Twins scored in all previous games combined. I don’t want to keep pointing out the same thing, but Rudy said in the preseason this would be the year Haren falls apart. So far, Haren’s ERA is 4.19.
Scott Diamond – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks. In the box score, it said S. Diamond and I thought Selma Diamond pitched 17 years after her death. She had sass, but not that much, I guess.
Ryan Doumit – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. I believe I said in the preseason that Doumit would be more valuable than Mauer this year. And that’s me kinda paraphrasing me!
Albert Pujols – 0-for-4 to lower his average to .190. This isn’t just bad for Albert; this stinks for all Pujolses.
David Robertson – Got the save yesterday as if there was any doubt. I’d put his over/under for saves at 32. Over/under for Ks at 110. And over/under for times A-Rod checks out his package at 17.
Raul Ibanez – 2-for-3 with his 4th and 5th homers. Seems like the Yankees have been benching him against lefties, which will hurt his overall numbers. And being 40-something. That’ll hurt those numbers too.
Andy Pettitte – Will start vs. the M’s on Sunday. He’s been anything but outstanding during his tune up. Bernie Williams, “Did someone say they want me to tune up the guitar?” No, Bernie. Against the M’s is a solid matchup, but unless things are really hard for you I wouldn’t Pettitte, even though it usually works the opposite way.
Randall Delgado – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks. After his last start (8 IP, 2 ER), I said I’d watch him this start. Well, I didn’t because I was doing the podcast that is coming later today with anutter special guest. But the box score is telling me, you should pick up Delgado in all leagues deeper than 14 team mixed and possibly even shallower, depending on your starter shituation. He’s only 22 years old and he could have a 9+ K-rate. Yes, I basically love all Braves young pitchers, but they’re an easy group to love.
Ryan Dempster – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks. He obviously should be owned everywhere. His ERA won’t stay at 1.02, but he does get solid Ks and can have a mid-3 ERA.
Omar Infante – Hit his 6th homer yesterday. Dah! Just when Stanton finally passed him.
Anibal Sanchez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks to lower his ERA to 2.01. Are we waiting until October to thank me for pushing everyone into drafting this guy?
Aneury Rodriguez – 6 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks. His minor league numbers are pretty blehtastic and if you pick him up he may give you an aneurysm.
Will Middlebrooks – Left yesterday’s game with hamstring tightness. As of right now, Middlebrooks looks like he might miss a day or two. This comes just hours after the Red Sox announced they were considering using Middlebrooks in the outfield. They’re also considering just using Youkilis as a ticket taker at Gate E.
Daniel Bard – 7 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 1 K. Outside of AL-Only leagues, I’m kinda surprised people still own him.
Yoenis Cespedes – Was a late scratch because of his wrist. Sounds itchy!
Carlos Beltran – 2-for-4, 6 RBIs and two homers, or more homers in one game than Pujols has all year, and nearly more RBIs. Beltran is The Great Zombino!
Ian Kennedy – 7 IP, 6 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks. Seriously, don’t mess with the 1927 Cardinals.
Carlos Marmol – Dale Sveum said Marmol may not get the job back. But he has a 12+ walk rate, doesn’t that count for something?! I could see dropping Marmol in most leagues. He was dropped in my RCL and an NL-Only league and no one’s going near him. I would grab Dolis or Russell, in that order. (Or reverse order if you’re dyslexic.)
Miguel Tejada – The Orioles signed him. It was part of a deal Dan Duquette made with the devil: The Orioles can be in first place at the 1/6th point of the season, but then you must make transactions that make you look silly.
Yovani Gallardo – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks. As I’ve been saying to people, Gallardo had a 6.23 ERA last April and you still drafted him this year as your top starter. We’re in May now and he just threw a solid game vs. a tough hitting team. By August, you will have forgotten he was miserable in April, and then by next April you’ll be frustrated again when he’s wretched.
Ryan Zimmerman – He returned from the DL to go 1-for-4 with a run. Right back at, huh, Ryan?
Henry Rodriguez – 2/3 IP, 2 ER. For a guy you got off of waivers, he’s still doing okay. Don’t pull the rip cord on him yet.
A.J. Burnett – 8 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks, which comes on the heels of a 2 2/3 IP, 12 ER outing. You know what he’s doing, right? Here, “Ooh, I’m gonna pick up Burnett.” BAM, awful outing! “Eff that in the eff hole, I’m dropping his ass.” BOOM, good outing! He’s totally messing with you.
Andrew McCutchen – 1-for-3 with his 1st homer. The Dread Pirate finally makes his nickname about his hair again.
Francisco Cordero – 1/3 IP, 5 ER. Move your small children and closers away from the windows! The Closepocalypse is coming through! Blue Jays might go to Jason Frasor for the next save chance, but, let’s just say, I didn’t run to the wire to pick him up. Darren Oliver is another option, but, yeah, didn’t pick him up either.
Ryan Vogelsong – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 11 baserunners, 1 K as Vogelsong plays that sweet doctor’s office music I talked about last week. Won’t excite you for good or bad, which is sometimes what you need.
Jarrod Parker – 7 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA is at 1.80. I’m being serious when I say this, but in any leagues of 12 team mixed or shallower, there’s no reason to have a team ERA over 3.50.
Josh Reddick – 1-for-3 with his 6th homer. Think this is the first time I’ve mentioned him, or if you’re feeling punchy, it’s Reddick’s bow. Hard for me to get fully behind A’s hitters, but he now has 4 homers in the last ten games.
J.J. Hardy – 2-for-4 with his 7th homer to raise his average to .244. Meanwhile, Nick Markakis also homered, going 3-for-5 to raise his average to .246. Member when Markakis was really good? Makes you nostalgikis.
Alex Avila – Will miss at least two games with a sore patella. My pharmacist’s name is Patella. I don’t think they’re related.
Casey Blake – Retired yesterday. In remembrance of Casey Blake, let’s not forget the time he painted a table to look like a soccer ball and Manny kicked it and missed a week with a sore toe.
Even King Mo, Thy Saver of the Throne, Sire of Sutter, Haver of Fingers, Tester of the Quiz, Nowhere Near the Stench of the Wickman is not immune to the closepocalypse that is upon us. The plague of ninth inning locusts strikes all that cross thee path! What? I was pouring out some Olde English for the brothers who aren’t here. Mariano Rivera was hurt shagging fly balls. Last person hurt like that was Jenna Jameson. It didn’t look good, as he was carted off in pain, and it turned out even worse, as he was diagnosed with a torn ACL. David Robertson should’ve been owned already, but here’s a real reason to, you save vulture. This is frustrating not because I owned Rivera. I don’t; I don’t believe in $12 Salads, but someone is lucking into Robertson, who could end up one of the best closers in baseball this year. If you’re really hurting for saves, it’s worth a speculative grab to pick up Rafael Soriano. The Yankees would have to be five cookies short of a potential Biggest Loser contestant’s breakfast to skip K-Rob for Soriano, but he does have closer experience. Whatever that means nowadays. After the closepocalypse, half the league’s pitchers have closer experience. Juan Cruz has it now! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Pablo Sandoval – Wanna hear something freaky? You have a third nipple!? No, Random Italicized Voice. Almost exactly one year ago, Pablo Sandoval broke the hamate bone on his other hand. (And less freaky is Ryan Zimmerman was also injured that week.) I suggest next year, for the week of Cinco de Mayo, Pablo Sandoval go out of town. Maybe Cozumel. Have some margaritas, win some wet t-shirt contests, have unprotected sex — Really get the full Mexico experience! Then return a week later healthy. The fact that Sandoval broke his hamate bone two years in a row makes me think he should have them removed (then BBQ them and sell them at a county fair). The surgery is not unheard of, Tabata had the hamate bone removal surgery done in the minor leagues (then used it like a wishbone and hoped his wife would stop thinking she’s remaking Raising Arizona. BTW, his wife is 46 years old? And Tabata is 23? A Latin 23 may not do this guy justice, which is the key word.). If Sandoval keeps the hamate bone, then I’d be concerned this could keep happening. Either way, he’s out for 6 weeks.
Conor Gillaspie – Should replace Sandoval for the majority of the playing time. Conor Gillaspie plays 3rd sack. Me myself, I like to max. Red-Bone booties, I’m out to wax! Seriously, what did we do without Google for song lyrics? Did everyone sound like my uncle who sings three words of every song then mumbles the rest? Mumble, mumble, mumble, I can’t go for that. No can do. Gillaspie has a little bit of nothing going for himself outside of average. He was hitting .356 in Triple-A. That was inflated by his BABIP, but he should be able to hit around .280. He has next to no power, and his speed isn’t that impressive. You can do better, Marvin’s Room. (Maybe the best song of the last year.)
Heath Bell – Ozzie says Bell is still his closer. He also praised Castro and disparaged gays, so, ya know, grain of salt.
Edward Mujica – Recorded the save yesterday but Cishek (who I think will get saves) and Bell were unavailable.
Brandon Morrow – 9 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks. Not only did he throw a shutout, but he didn’t throw any walks. Can he pitching coach Scherzer?
Albert Pujols – 0-for-3, dropping his average to .202. Can’t they pinch-hit Maicer Izturis for him?
Ernesto Frieri – Yesterday, Albert (not Pujols, the writer for our site) called Frieri the “closer of the future” for the Padres. Then Frieri was traded to the Angels. I don’t think he’s the closer of the future for the Angels, but “setup man of the future” doesn’t have much of a ring to it.
Adam LaRoche – Sat out yesterday with oblique soreness. That dreaded, extremely vague soreness again! I wouldn’t be surprised to see him miss a few games.
Ross Detwiler – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks. He was in last week’s Buy. Don’t make me go back there!
Joe Blanton – 9 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks. In related news, Halladay left the Phillies for a few days for a personal reason. He didn’t say why except, “Yo, Joe Blanton got this.”
Laynce Nix – 2-for-3 with a homer. Superfluous Y’s rejoice! In chorus, “Because!”
Coco Crisp – Headed to the DL with an inner ear issue. Coco Crisp says he keeps hearing a snap, crackle, pop. In his place, Michael Taylor is joining the A’s, but no one seems thrilled about ever playing Taylor in the majors. Pretty ironic that he was once traded for Brett Wallace, though no one outside of the British really knows what irony is.
Randall Delgado – 8 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks. He’s looked like anything but the top prospect he is until this game. I’m not buying quite yet in most mixed leagues, but I’m watching very carefully.
Ryan Vogelsong – 7 IP, 1 ER, 12 baserunners, 5 Ks. He looks like a safe, non-threatening number five starter without too much upside or downside. Kinda like the pitching equivalent to doctor’s office music. “Hey, while I have this molar extracted, what’s that playing?” “It’s Vogelsong.”
Jason Kipnis – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 4th homer. His bumper sticker reads, “Why can’t a nosh be posh? Kipnis!” His Jason Kipnis fantasy reads like that.
Pedro Alvarez – 2-for-4 with another homer. He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell. Hint: He’s not a sell.
Andrew McCutchen – Left yesterday’s game with a stomach bug. Hopefully it’s not a tapeworm. Those things are nasty. This girl I know decided to cure her own salmon and left it on the counter encased in salt. Well, flies dropped some larvae in the lox and she had worm squirts for days. Okay, when I started that story it seemed appropriate.
Erik Bedard – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 11 Ks. Eleven Ks over 5 innings is nice. His 37 Ks over 34 innings is very nice. His health, well, it’s good for now. I’m not a big fan because every time I seem to get invested he breaks down, but his Ks have me intrigued, and whenever I say intrigued in my head I hear the Comic Book Guy.
Jose Tabata – 3-for-5 with a steal. He raised his average over 100 points in the last ten games. He’s not going to be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell. Wanna know why? Cause I’m telling you now (actually I told you two days ago). He’s hot. Pick him up. Go now. This post will be here when you return.
Chone Figgins – 0-for-4 with his average falling to .189. They really need to DFA this no-longer-young brother. And lose Smoak while you’re at it too, M’s. In fact, start over with Carp, Ackley, Montero, Seager and Ken Griffey Jr. Jr.
Allen Craig – 4 for his last 9 with 3 RBIs. Potatoes to chips, this doode came back from the DL like a flaming ball of yarn. See, if yarn’s on fire, it would roll out and the hotness would spread, which in hitting terms is good. Makes total sense.
Bryan LaHair – 2-for-4 with his 7th homer. The Cubs shouldn’t be thinking about how to make room for Rizzo. They should be thinking about how to erect a giant statue of LaHair, then accidentally tip it over on Alfonso Soriano. Two birds, one stone (or granite).
Ryan Dempster – 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks. First game back from the DL + In a tough park for pitchers + Against a tough offensive team = Chumlee. Hmm, math is wrong there. Meant to add up to SONAVABENCH!
Carlos Marmol – Zero outs recorded, 3 unearned runs (1 earned) and 4 baserunners. There’s no saying exactly what’s wrong with Marmol, but he’s not himself (dur!). Sveum says he could replace Marmol from the closer role (dur-dur!). I want to say bench Marmol in most leagues, but he looks like he’s headed for a trip to the Disgraceful List. Rafael Dolis would be the pickup, but he’s been far from spectacular. He hasn’t been craptacular though either. Kerry Wood isn’t a bad specloselation. James Russell is a deeper SAGNOF specloselation pick. He’s been great so far, but he’s a lefty. It’s basically a total mess of a closerousel shituation. Now I will await Guinness Book of World Records to crown this blurb for the most portmanteaus ever used in a single blurb. *finger tap* Waiting…
Well, not much has changed for closers since last month when we did a run down of all of them. Kimbrel got a save, Axford got a save, and everyone else sucks. Holly Robinson Peete closers are a mess! I don’t think there’s ever been so many Brain Freezes before. I almost feel like adding an extra category below the Brain Freezes called, “The Legend of Gloom.” Wha’ happened? Did someone poison the bullpen water? Has Mariano Rivera made it so when he retires there won’t be any more closers? There will only be starters and “Those Other Guys.” To recap this month in closing quickly: Valverde has been less than stellar, Putz and Street just don’t close games, Motte hasn’t been good, Brian Wilson became Casilla who Bochy pulled after one batter during one game, Joel Hanrahananananan gave fantasy owners the question, “Who’s Juan Cruz?”, Sergio Santos may start throwing at some point in the next few weeks, the Red Sox gave the job to someone who has an over 10 ERA, Frank-Frank hasn’t had a blank-blank inning in forever, Kyle Farnsworth left stage right and Rodney, who couldn’t get saves last year, entered stage “I can’t believe Rodney’s closing games,” Guerra’s been about as bad as expected, Walden blew one save and lost the job, What the H. Santiago?, What the H. Bell?, Grant Balfour might get traded, Jim Johnson gave fantasy owners the question, “Juan Cruz or Pedro Strop? Wait, who?”, the closers on terrible teams have looked good so they’ll probably be traded or just not save games, and Brad Lidge is afraid of heights and the mound is above the field so he went to the DL which is on sea level. Got all of that? Yeah, I’m not sure I did either. Anyway, here’s all the closers for 2012 fantasy baseball:
$12 Salads
You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.
1. Craig Kimbrel (Jonny Venters, Kris Medlen) 2. John Axford(Francisco Rodriguez) 3. Mariano Rivera (David Robertson, Rafael Soriano) 4. Jonathon Papelbon (Antonio Bastardo, Chad Qualls)
Donkeycorns
Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns. 5. Huston Street (+3) (Luke Gregerson, Andrew Cashner) 6. Jim Johnson (+15) (Pedro Strop, Matt Lindstrom) 7. Joel Hanrahan(+4) (Juan Cruz, Jason Grilli) 8. J.J. Putz(-2) (David Hernandez, Bryan Shaw) 9. Jason Motte (-1) (Fernando Salas, Mitchell Boggs) 10.Jose Valverde(-6) (Joaquin Benoit, Octavio Dotel) 11. Rafael Betancourt (+7) (Rex Brothers) 12. Brandon League(+6) (Tom Wilhelmsen) 13. Fernando Rodney (Joel Peralta, Jake McGee) 14. Grant Balfour(+6) (Brian Fuentes, Ryan Cook)
15. Brett Myers(+8) (David Carpenter, Brandon Lyon) 16. Joe Nathan(+6) (Mike Adams, Alexi Ogando) 17. Kenley Jansen/Javy Guerra (+2) (Matt Guerrier)
Brain Freeze
I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Matt Capps– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Valencia in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.
18. Sean Marshall(+3) (Aroldis Chapman, Jose Arredondo)
19. Santiago Casilla (-10) (Sergio Romo, Jeremy Affeldt) 20. Chris Perez (+4) (Vinnie Pestano, Tony Sipp)
21. Matt Capps (+6) (Glen Perkins, Jared Burton) 22. Jonathan Broxton(+6) (Aaron Crow) 23. Henry Rodriguez (+6) (Tyler Clippard, Brad Lidge) 24. Frank Francisco(-8) (Jon Rauch, Bobby Parnell, Ramon Ramirez) 25. Alfredo Aceves(-13) (Franklin Morales, Daniel Bard) 26. Carlos Marmol(-11) (Rafael Dolis, Kerry Wood) 27. Heath Bell (-19) (Steve Cishek, Edward Mujica) 28.Scott Downs(-11) (Jordan Walden, LaTroy Hawkins) 29. Matt Thornton/Hector Santiago(-1) (Addison Reed, Jesse Crain) 30. Francisco Cordero (-15) (Casey Janssen, Luis Perez, Sergio Santos, Lloyd Moseby)
