Fantasy Baseball Advice

Jordan Walden is replacing Fernando Rodney as the closer for the Angels.  The Angels decided to drop a guy with two first names for a guy with two last names.  Makes sense – you start a game with a guy with two first names, you close a game with a guy with two last names.  (No bullpen backup plan for you, Jeff Francis!)  (Oh, and don’t forget Charles (Jeff) Nelson Reilly in middle relief.)  Walden should be owned in every league that counts things like saves.  Seems like a Neftali-type situation.  Walden has to lose the job back to Rodney.  Fernando can’t win it back by just being good (as remote as that even seems).  By June, Walden can be a Donkeycorn and never look back.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Kendrys Morales – Took BP.  Where?  To court for the oil spill?  *rereading news report*  Oh!  Batting practice.  That’s a good sign.  If someone lost patience with Kendrys, I’d buy him for sixty cents on the dollar.  No more though, he could be a setback away from missing another month.

Hank Conger – Homered in his first start of the season.  Here’s what Stephen said about Conger, “He has above average bat speed and contact.  His plate-discipline is stellar but his defense is still marginal at best.  I don’t see the Angels giving him much of a chance catching.”  And that’s me quoting Stephen!  Conger’s in a tough spot for playing time; Scioscia loves Mathis like a fat kid loves cake.

Sean Rodriguez – 1-for-3 with his first homer.  This comes after Maddon announced Felipe Lopez would see time at 3rd while Longoria’s out.  Sean-Rod pissed off the baseball gods in another life because he just can’t get guaranteed playing time no matter where he is.  Oh, and on a real baseball note, the Rays don’t look good.  That is all.

Madison Bumgarner – 3 IP, 3 ER vs. the Padres.  When the only hitter you need to pitch around is Nick Hundley, you kinda should beat the team… Or at least get out of the fourth inning.

Aaron Harang – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Before the game, Tony Gwynn announced the arrival of a brand new Hodgepadre.  Then Tony ate a hot fudge sundae while watching a videotape of his old at-bats.  Pretty unsexy name, but the Harangutan is worth starting at home in every league until he no longer is.

Mike Leake – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Before you run out and pick him up, this was against the team Ed Wade’s Toupee put together that is currently 0-4.

Mike Stanton – Pinch hit yesterday, but is supposedly not starting until Friday with his hamstring strain.  The real sad emoticon in this whole thing is he had leg issues in the spring so hopefully this won’t be an ongoing issue the whole year.

Gaby Sanchez - 2-for-5, hitting .444 on the year.  I wouldn’t defrost Ted Williams head just yet, but he’s hitting well.

Anibal Sanchez – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks.  It’s not Dirty Sanchez, it’s not Filthy Sanchez, it’s Unsanitary Sanchez.

Ryan Zimmerman – 1-for-2 with his first homer and he’s hitting .364.  Member when you wouldn’t draft him because he wasn’t playing in Spring Training?  Oh, you.

Mike Morse – 1-for-4 with 3 Ks, now hitting .154.  I’d say he’s not hitting righties, but he’s not hitting lefties either.

Brandon McCarthy – 8 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks vs. the 1927 Blue Jays.  What I’m thinking with McCarthy is Beane, as played by Brad Pitt, hasn’t had much luck in the last few years, so McCarthy is gonna pan out.  I think that’s confirmation bias, but I don’t feel like going to Wikipedia to look it up.  Either way, that’s a marginal ‘keep your eye on him, but don’t pick him up yet.’  (Sorry, you now have to read the rest of this with one eye.)

Conor Jackson – 2-for-4 as he hit 3rd.  He’s like totally recovered from Valley Fever, as if.  BTW, he’s a backup outfielder as of right now.  Yes, a team is very good when they have a backup outfielder batting third.  /sarcasm

Brian Fuentes – Out with a blister.  The A’s manager hopes Fuentes can go Wednesday.  Fantasy managers that own Fuentes aren’t sure what to hope for.

Alex Gordon – 3-for-5 with his first homer (in possibly 4 years, or maybe it just feels that way).  After he hit the home run, fireworks went off… In my heart.  He’s batting third and hitting; ask questions later, just pick him up.

Alcides Escobar – 1-for-5.  Whoopie-doo, I know.  But he stole his 2nd base.  Last year, it took him until May 29th to steal his 2nd base.  Oh, it’s on.

Yovani Gallardo – 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Rudy picked him to win the Cy Young.  In the preseason, I ranked him 10th overall for all starters.  If you’re reading this, you probably own him.  Yay us!

Carlos Gomez – Benched for Nyjer.  And that’s how quickly a major league manager can realize a player sucks at baseball.   Oh, well.

James McDonald -  4 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  I gotta be honest, my heart wasn’t fully into this guy as a potential late round bargain.  Pirates pitchers are arghuably the worst in baseball from 1 through 5.  In most competitive leagues, I’d hold McDonald for another start, but start making other plans.

Kyle McClellan – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks.  I’m eating whatever Dave Duncan is cooking.

Cole Hamels – 2 2/3 IP, 6 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Drop him!  I keed.  He had a 5.28 ERA last April and still ended the year with a 3.06.  As they say in Vegas about the shoe, you gotta deal with it.

Chris Young – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Was so cute the way the giraffes at the Bronx Zoo all gathered around the TV to watch this start.  I liked Young when he pitched for the Padres, and Metco isn’t that bad, but his fastball has been trending down for four years and he works up in the zone.  9 baserunners in 5 and a third like yesterday isn’t great.  You can pick him up, I wouldn’t.  I.e., You do what you do and I’ll do what I do and we’ll be fine.

Josh Tomlin – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks.  I believe Josh Tomlin was a child actor on an 80′s sitcom.  I wouldn’t pick him up, Willis.

Josh Beckett – 5 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Sticking with the newly established Josh theme, I don’t love Beckett to bounce back from last year.

Barry Enright – 6 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Uncle Barry was babysitting the baby bears and they went wild.  BTW, Barry Enright vs. Andrew Cashner sounds like a match-up in the Greater Westchester County Dental Tennis league.

Andrew Cashner – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Pitched beautifully until he left the game with tightness in his shoulder.  Accidentists happen.

Tyler Colvin – 1-for-3 with his 1st homer of the year.  It’s about time!  Oh, wait, it’s less than a week into the season.  Eh, you probably dropped him already.

Jhoulys Chacin – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Another pitcher I told everyone and their pedophile uncle to draft.  Hope you had the peanuts to start him in Coors.

Chris Iannetta – 1-for-3 with his first homer and he’s hitting .444 on the year.  I saw someone ask the other day in the comments if they should drop him.  Didn’t you just draft him?

Michael Pineda – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Not bad vs. Texas.  But, hey, listen, he’s a rookie, it’s not going to be all peaches and cream in the champagne room every start out.

Willie Bloomquist – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and a steal.  Justice has been served!

Juan Miranda – 1-for-3.  Kirk Gibson announced Miranda would get the majority of the starts to see what they have in him.  Finally, a manager that makes a smart decision.  Miranda’s worth a flyer in leagues 14+ to see if he can not only stick but make good on some of his promise.

Justin Upton – 1-for-4, I wish Justin and B.J. had a brother named Wes.  Wesssssupppppton!

Mark Teixeira – His fourth homer.  He attributed his newfound early season success to not sleeping since last October.  This message was sponsored by Red Bull.

Alexi Ogando – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks.  A… O… A’ight!  He left with a blister.  Probably because he was throwing heat.  He won’t be in the rotation for long, but you have my permission to grab him while he is.

Aaron Hill – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs.  I think I heard mumblings in the forums or the comments or somewhere that Aaron Hill is already a bust.  Um, they’ve only played four games and he’s hitting cleanup for the 1927 Blue Jays.  Chillax.

Jose Bautista – Out because of a personal matter.  I’m guessing he’s in Russia killing people for Ben.

Evan Longoria is out 3 weeks with an oblique injury.  He’s not to pick up a bat, ball or AK-47.  Looks like the oblique is still the number one injury that no one has any clue about.  Intercostal injury twirls its Snidely Whiplash mustache and plots its revenge.  For those who lost Holliday and Longoria this weekend, I’m pouring some Mad Dog out for you.  BTW, I was just thinking something… CAN WE FIGURE OUT WHAT THE DEAL IS WITH THE OBLIQUE AND HOW TO PREVENT THESE INJURIES?  Seriously, modern medicine step up your game!  There’s gotta be something that we can do.  Have we tried to apply dolphin tears to the sore area?  If I were on Celebrity Apprentice, I’d be playing for a cure for oblique injuries.  This injury should guarantee everyday ABs for Sean Rodriguez.  Great, that eases my pain.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Matt Holliday – Out up to a month for an appendectomy?  Isn’t this an outpatient procedure?  My friend in high school had out his appendix then funneled a forty of Old E to ease the soreness.  Granted, he was mental and is now in prison, but c’mon… Buck up, players!  I own some of you in fantasy.  Having a similar procedure last year, Andres Torres returned after 11 days.  Corey Hart took 4 weeks, but he’s Amish.  I think Holliday will be out 3 weeks.  It’s too early in the season for them to rush him back.  The Federalist, Jon Jay should see most of the time in his stead.  Allen Craig will see the occasional ABs though, so in most leagues I wouldn’t add either.

Mike Minor – He’s back.  But it may not be for long.  Jar-Jar is set to make a rehab start on April 11th then potentially return after that.  So you’re looking at two maybe more starts from Minor.  I’d add him in all leagues, but I wouldn’t drop anyone worthwhile yet.  Because I’m psychic, I’ll answer your question right now.  Beachy over Minor for now.

Jaime Garcia – 9 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Murray Chass — 1.  “Newfangled stats” that said Garcia would regress — 0.

Dustin Moseley – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks.  How about the gutsy performances the Hodgepadres gave this weekend away from home?  Sheer force-itude!    Wait a second, I’m now looking at the Cards lineup.  Hmm… They may as well bat the pitcher fourth.

Matt Garza – 7 IP, 3 ER, 12 baserunners, 12 Ks.  It’s an extravaGarza!  That’s a real nice sign even vs. the Pirates since their hitting isn’t its usual crizzap self.

Alfonso Soriano – 1-for-4 with a homer.  He was in the post about hitters who do well in April.  I’d give him the month to see if it holds.

Mike Napoli – Hit his 2nd homer.  Not much of a limb here, but he could hit 30 homers.

Nelson Cruz – 1-for-4 with his 3rd homer.  Kinsler also hit his third homer in yesterday’s game.  Over IM, Rudy said something like, “If Cruz, Hamilton and Kinsler were to play 155+ games, they’d all be MVP candidates.”  And that’s me paraphrasing Rudy!

Fernando Rodney – He’s hot garbage.  No.  He’s cold garbage that you take out of the trash can, put in the microwave and serve in a dirty ashtray.  The bullpen is in tatters.  Shattered.  I grabbed Takahashi in a few leagues because the Sciosciapath may see that he has closing experience and get the giggles.  Though I would grab Walden first, then Jepsen; they were, unfortunately, gone in my leagues.

Bobby Abreu – 4-for-4, homer.  Another guy that was in the best April hitters post.  Cust kayin’.

Howie Kendrick – 2 homers yesterday, 3 in four games.  I liked Kendrick coming into this year, and now I’m check raising to the bettor that he has a solid season.

Alex Gordon – 4-for-6, 4 runs, 1 RBI and batted third.  Cool, do it for another five straight months and all will be forgiven for the three years of anguish you put me through.

Ryan Hanigan – 4-for-4, 2 homers.  You ever wanna wonder if everyone in the world has a doppelganger but because there’s so many people you’ll never meet them?  Like somewhere there’s a Brian Hanigan who looks and acts exactly like Ryan Hanigan, but, instead of catching in the Major Leagues, Brian Hanigan lives in Fiji and catches coconuts when they fall from palm trees.  Yeah, maybe it’s me.  Hanigan could push Ramon Hernandez into a backup role rather than the timeshare they’re in.  But, as of right now, Hanigan might be tough to own in one catcher mixed leagues.

Jose Bautista – 2-for-4 with his 2nd homer.  2010 called, they want your insane year back.  I still believe Bautista won’t come close to last year.  If he has twenty homers by the All-Star Break, then I’ll send out my mea culpas and buy everyone a Frosty from Wendy’s.*  *Offer not good in the 48 contiguous states, Canada or anywhere else.

Joe Nathan – Got the save but gave up an earned run.  I’d continue to hold Capps.

Miguel Cabrera – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs, 2 homers, and one late Saturday night with Charlie Sheen.

Brennan Boesch – 4-for-4, 4 RBIs, 1 homer and was hitting third because the unreliable-to-stay-healthy Maggs was out.  It’s a situation worth monitoring.  Or not.  Your choice.

Max Scherzer – 5 IP, 6 ER, 11 baserunners, 6 Ks but the Win.  There should be a glossary term for when your pitcher does awful but because you get the win, you’re sorta okay with it.  Please make suggestions in the comments.

Phil Hughes – 4 IP, 5 ER, 7 baserunners, 1 K and the Yanks pitching coach is concerned about his loss in velocity.  I wanted nothing to do with Hughes this year.  I.e., if you Hughes, you lose.

Jorge Posada – 2 homers.  Hip Hop Jorge!

Justin Masterson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 0 Ks.  Note to Self:  If Masterson has two more quality starts, start touting him as a pickup.  Note to Self, II:  You know as soon as you tout him he’s gonna kick you in the nads.  Note to Self, III:  There’s no Note to Self, III.

Carl Crawford – Dropped to 7th in the lineup.  Wow, Francona is like one of those crazy fantasy managers that drops their fifth round pick because they went 0-for-5.  Not naming any names.  Though there’s a few of you that might qualify.

Carlos Gomez – 1 for his last 8 with three Ks.  He was in Friday’s Buy/Sell, but he could also be on the bench by April 15th.

Brian Matusz – Going to the DL with a strained intercostal muscle.  Watch out oblique!  I’m gaining on you!  He’s a marginal 10/12-team mixed league starter at this point (mainly because of AL East and his crappy team) so you can drop him if you don’t have an open DL spot.

Zach Britton – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks.  First Brandon Belt, now Britton.  It’s hard to believe in Oriole SP prospects for mixed league play after the mixed results of Matusz (and Tillman and Arrieta and the Razztastic, Brad Bergesen).  Britton doesn’t project as well as Matusz, but he induces a lot of ground balls which should limit his downside.  And while his K-rate isn’t stellar, it’s not Buehrle-bad (7.60 per 9 IP in AAA).  For now, Britton’s a viable match-up candidate (I’d like to say great for the pun) assuming he’s not going against the AL East, Texas, or at Chicago.

Kyle Drabek – KD left us with a constant craving for more – giving up only one hit and 3 walks with 7 K’s in 7 innings.  I haven’t seen Twins abused that bad since this one porn…. Drabek’s a must-own in deep leagues but still pretty marginal for 10-12 team leagues.

J.P. Arencibia – 2 HRs and a triple on Friday.  Thatsa one spicy hitting line!  From now on, he will be known as Napolito.

Travis Wood – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks.  May not have made this known as much as I should’ve, but I absolutely love Wood.  Okay, that sounded wrong.  I’d definitely grab Wood.  Okay, still wrong.

R.A. Dickey – 6 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks.  I don’t like Dickey.  Hmm, this has devolved, hasn’t it?

Jordan Zimmermann – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks, though when I saw the score was 11-2 I did have a bit of Ticker Shock.

Mike Morse – 1 for his first 9.  The retractable leash is stopped and soon I’m gonna start pulling him in.

Brian Wilson – Ready to return from his oblique injury.  Because of the mysterious Yin-Yang nature of the oblique, I blame Wilson’s good health for Longoria’s injury.

Ubaldo Jimenez – Might miss his next start because he switched manicurists and his cuticle was cut.  His plan is to try and heal his finger by soaking it in pickle juice, which sounds like a cure out of My Big Fat Greek Wedding or a Judy Blume book.

Bud Norris – 4 IP, 5 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Not great.  We’re in agreement on that point, but four came in the first (three were a homer by Howard), then he settled down.

Brett Wallace – 0-for-3, batting .091 so far.  His uncle George Wallace is not smiling in a blue suit at Brett’s performance so far.

Mike Stanton – Has a strain in one of his pony sticks, but he should be back in a few days.

Javier Vazquez – 2 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners.  Hey, at least he didn’t run over my dog.  I have very little patience with this schmohawk.  I’m not dropping him in my leagues yet, but I’m making contingency plans.  If I’m using the word contingency correctly.

Donnie Murphy – Will miss a day or two after being hit on the wrist.  Must’ve been Murph’s past coming back.  “I did some bad things, Fredi.”  That’s from Ben Affleck’s new movie where a Boston ex-con becomes a major leaguer but can’t escape his past.  “Hey, Sully, what the fick is a Mahlin?”  Starring Ben Affleck as Donnie Murphy!  And Casey Affleck as Chris Coghlan!  Ben Affleck, “Hey, Matty, how about you and me in a movie for old time’s sake?”  “Ask Renner.”  “You can use your Boston accent.”  “Ask Robin.”  “What, cause I’m not Martin Friggin’ Scorcese?  Where was Mahtin when you got in a fight in high school with Big Fitzy?”

After a long, much-needed vacation, Friday’s Buy/Sell returns.  Friday’s Buy/Sell, “I spent the better part of the last four months having my naughty bits lathered in Marshmallow Fluff.”  *crickets*   Friday’s Buy/Sell, “All right, let’s get to the post.”  Brett Gardner hit leadoff on Opening Day.  In case you recently emerged from a coma, I’ll give it to you one more time.  Gardner equals Jacoby Ellsbury.  They’re the same.  Tomato-tomato with a different emphasis.  Right now, maybe you’re like, “No dur.”  Okay, but in our Funston-fueled draft, Ellsbury went 70 picks before Gardner, so you may be saying “No dur,” but someone else is saying “Yeah dur.”  If you’re a yeah dur’er and not a no dur’er, you might want to reconsider your dur’s.  Or it’s dur on you.  You want dur on you?  No, you want no dur.  Now, I’m not saying you should sell Ellsbury for less than his worth.  I think he’s going to be fine, but if you can sell Ellsbury for a big bat or SP and get Gardner much cheaper, you do that.  Dur.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Mark Trumbo – May not start every day, may not last in the majors when the once-singular Kendrys returns.  Don’t matter to me.  You’re not dropping anyone worthwhile to take the gambo.

Alex Gordon – I swear to your deity of choice that if Gordon fails again this year I’m UPS’ing him a flaming turd.

Kila Ka’aihue – I’d take Ka’aihue before Gordon.  Thanks for asking, Random Razzball Commenter.

Brett Wallace – Have you seen the Astros lineup?  If Wallace does anything to impress, he could be hitting third by May.

Brandon Belt – I just wrote my Brandon Belt fantasy yesterday.  I wrote it in pink highlighter on my Trapper Keeper and had an anteater transcribe it.  The lengths I go to for you!

Edwin Encarnacion – 25 homers and a poor average are a lock if he just stays healthy.  It’s not quite butter without the ER in AL-Only leagues.  In mixed leagues, you might prefer a flying elbow.

Brandon Beachy – I will now attempt to write a Beachy blurb without a pun.  He’s the fifth starter on the Braves with solid upside, but not without piers– gah!  Okay, trying again.  I do love Beachy; he’s a total playa– dah!  All right, last chance.  Beachy is fly like a G6 because they’re both jetty.  Sorry, that was terrible.

Andrew Cashner – Worth a flyer in NL-Only leagues for now, but with all of his BBs you might wanna shoot your eye out.

Charlie Morton – Rudy was scatting around town, jazzed about grabbing this guy in one of our NL-Only leagues.  Here’s what Rudy said, “There are two types of crappy pitchers:  1) The type that get hit because they have bad stuff and 2) The type that get hit because they don’t know how to use their good stuff.  At least with the second type, they might figure it out.  Charlie Morton is the 2nd type.”  And that’s me quoting Rudy!

Carlos Gomez – He’s dazzling in his lack of baseball skills.  Not sure how many people remember this SAGNOF schmohawk from the early Naughts but you know who Gomez reminds me of?  Alex Sanchez.  Yeah, the gooftard who would hit one homer a year and got caught doing PEDs.  For some reason, I’ve been seeing a lot of other SAGNOF guys on teams (countless teams with Tabata) but no Gomez.  He’s cheap steals and could surprise with a few homers.  There’s value in that.

Ryan Doumit – While Chris Snyder is on the DL, no reason why you can’t throw Doumit a bone.*  *Mandatory one catcher per Buy/Sell requirement filled.

Jose Contreras – Okay, now for the SAGNOF portion of our program, which is brought to you by Purina Dog Chow.  It’s pitchy, dog!  The AARP Man of the Year looks to be the favorite in Philly.  I think it’s going to be closer to a timeshare with Madson than that.

Ryan Madson – See 1/8th of an inch above.

Sergio Romo – In some leagues, I wouldn’t go crazy adding Romo.  Doode can design the shizz out of jeans but Wilson should be back by the middle of next week.

Sean Burnett – Is there a more unexciting name?  He needs a nickname, like Stymie.  Stymie Burnett should get the majority of the saves early on, but I’d think Storen works his way into the majority by May.

Brian Fuentes – Here’s a guy I’d add all over the place.  I trust Andrew Bailey getting/staying healthy about as much as I trust flyers left on my apartment building front door.  What happened, you ask?  So, I come home around 3AM, drunk and there’s a sign posted on my apartment building front door about a party in apartment #14.  I’m like, “Party!”  So I run up to #14, throw open the door and there’s four guys standing there naked in a circle.  Yup.  I did the ‘ol slow backwards walk while saying, “Wrong apartment.”

Sell

Mat Latos – Ground rules for the Sells.  Some of these guys are droppable, some are tradeable and some are just overrated and trades should be explored.  Latos is tradeable.  Here’s you drafting him, “Grey thinks he knows better than me… HA!  I will show that mustachioed man a thing or two about a thing or two– No, Mom, I’m not talking to myself!  Shut my door!”  Latos is going to break down this year.  It’s I to the nevitable.  The writing is all over the wall.  He already has a shoulder strain in the spring.  He’s going to magically get better by throwing 200 innings?  Sorry, doode, you don’t even need Angela Lansbury, you’re brainwashing yourself.

Jair Jurrjens – Hey, it’s a Razzball favorite in opposite world.  He’s a 4+ ERA pitcher with a bleh strikeout rate and he’s injury-prone.  Sounds terrific in opposite world.  Maybe when you’re done parking your Lamborghini in opposite world and making love to Jessica Alba (or George Clooney for our three girl readers — I didn’t forget about you, ladies!), you lose Jar-Jar.

Hold on one second, I’m breathing in that New Season Smell.  Hmm, actually I just smell a small gas leak.  Here’s hoping I make it through this post!  Baseball:  you make me feel like the only girl in the world!  Sticks and stones may break my bones but Ks and WHIPs excite me!  Okay, I lost my shizz there for a second.  I’m as excited as you, see?  Of course you do, unless you’re having your old lady read this to you.  Still, don’t overrate one day of stats.  Jeff Mathis will not bat .500 with 162 homers, Matt Holliday will not knock in 324 runs while helping Tony La Russa save stray kittens and Alex Gordon, who went 0-for-5, will not hit .000… Well, actually that might happen.  We’re only one game in.  Please keep shizz in perspective.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Matt Capps – Twins announced that Matt Capps will share in the save opportunities.  Or Capportunities.

Russell Martin – 1-for-3 and a steal of third.  He hadn’t exerted so much effort getting to 3rd base since he caught Alyssa Milano on the rebound.

Curtis Granderson – 1-for-3, HR and he robbed a double by Brandon Inge aka Big Mike’s brother.

Tim Stauffer - 6 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Is that a Hodgepadre acting like a Road Scholar?  Not entirely.  Don’t take this the wrong way because I do like Stauffer a lot, but this wasn’t as nice a start as his ERA shows.  I’d still only start him at home for now.

Orlando Hudson – 0-for-2, Hit third for the Padres.  That’s not a compliment for Hudson, that’s an indictment of the Padres.

Justin Verlander – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks.  I think this might’ve been Verlander’s best game ever for the first month of the season.  Not even being sarcastic.

Austin Jackson – 1-for-4, 3 Ks.  Wouldn’t surprise me to see him K 170 times and hit .250.  Take from that what you will.

Yovani Gallardo – 6 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks.  More than happy with this start.  @CIN is probably the third worst start after @COL and @PHI.  Assuming there’s no games @MOON.

Carlos Gomez – 1-for-4, and the first slam & legs of the season.  Message to all teams with underperforming CFs.  Pick up Nyjer Morgan and it’ll scare them straight.

Rickie Weeks – 2-for-5, HR.  He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell, but he could be.  Wink, wink, nudge, nudge, turkey gobble.

John Axford – Blows a save in as painful a way as possible — 4 runs including a 3-run dinger to Ramon ‘The Prospblock’ Hernandez.  Trevor Hoffman is probably experiencing flashbacks from last year.  Takashi Saito would be the speculative handcuff.

Edinson Volquez – 6 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks.  More like Volqueef.  Gotta stay patient here.  One game.  Yadda³.

Drew Stubbs – 2-for-5, HR.  The King of the Slam & Legs went without a steal yesterday, but those things will come.  Doode’s fast.  (<–illuminating!)  BTW, Stubbs went to UT and Rudy is living in Austin so at a Reds spring training game we were at, Rudy screamed to Stubbs, who was three feet away, “Hook ‘em horns!”  Stubbs didn’t even look.  Then Rudy yelled it again.  Still nothing.  Was like that Tom Hanks/Jon Lovitz SNL sketch.  Rudy’s eyebrows do come together in the most unappealing way.

Pablo Sandoval – 1-for-3.  Sandoval’s dropped a few pant sizes and lineup spots.  Honestly, I’d rather a fat Panda hitting 3rd-5th than a skinny one hitting 8th.  He’ll be hungry…..for Runs and RBIs!

Clayton Kershaw – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks.  He looks so much better than Lincecum, in both a straight and gay way.

Ryan Franklin – Blew the save as he gave up a homer to Cameron Maybin.  I’ve gone on the record as saying that Motte will be closing games by the end of the year.

Albert Pujols – 3 GIDPs and a pop-up with a man on 3rd and one out.  That’s it.  We waited 10 years to get him in a draft (NL LABR) and this is what we get.  Poo-holes!

Cameron Maybin – 2-for-5 with a homer then he hurt his leg.  The universe just won’t let him break out.

Erick Aybar – 1-for-4 as he hit 6th, which makes sense if you’re a Sciosciapath.

Fernando Rodney – Got the ugly save.  The Angels pen didn’t look so hot and that was before they even got to the closer that deserves no respect.

Jeff Francoeur – Frenchy homered and threw out a man at home.  It’s Bastille Day!

Darwin Barney – Won the 2nd base job in Chicago.  I grabbed him in one NL-Only league, but there I’m really just hoping for everyday ABs.  I’d expect numbers that make Crapolanco look spectaculanco.  BTW, could anyone love dinosaurs more than Darwin Barney?

Mike Morse – 0-for-4.  Wanna say, “Okay, it’s one game.  Don’t overreact.  Stroke your ‘stache and calm yourself.”  But, guys (and three girl readers), righty pitchers look like they’ve already decoded Morse.

Melky Cabrera – 3-for-4, but as frequent commenter GopherDay said yesterday in the comments, “I’ve figured out why the Royals picked Melky over Cain for the CF job.  They want to fill M. Cabrera into their scorecard and dream.”

Craig Kimbrel – Member all that talk about a Venters timeshare?  Kimbrel faced two lefties in the ninth for the save.  Oh, and he was nasty.  Sorry, need the hyphen.  Nas-tee.  Will be this year’s Marmol.

Nate McLouth – 0-for-4.  Good to see McLousy pick up where he left off.  I give him until May until he’s in a blahtoon.

Jason Heyward – 1-for-2 and the first player to hit a homer in his first at-bat two seasons in a row, according to Elias Sports Bureau.  Actually, they didn’t say that, but here’s something that was overheard at the Elias compound on Opening Day.  Bob in Human Resources, “This is the 20th year I’ve worked with all of you nerds and I hate every single one of you.”

Barry Zito – Was in a car accident.  Ironically, watching him pitch is like a car wreck.  Zito must’ve had the Jack Johnson music too loud.  I’m so mellow…I see the red light as yellow.

Ken Griffey Jr. missed a pinch hitting opportunity last week because he was asleep in the clubhouse.  In related news, Grady Sizemore has been sleepwalking through his at-bats.  Maybe Griffey was pooped from his Dick’s Sporting Goods commercial.  If the end is indeed nigh for Griffey, and if nigh is the right archaic word, this could mean an extended leash for Michael Saunders.  He’s a low teen power/speed guy without much average, so the M’s would be going from yawning to yawnstipating.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Brad Lidge – Stiffness in his elbow.  In Italian guy straight from Ellis Island terms, that’s notta so good.  The Phils held Contreras to pitch the ninth for the save.  Save vultures, commence vulturing.

Jair Jurrjens – Felt a pop in his hamstring.  Why don’t they call it soda?!  Oh, wait…   With no medical training, I can tell you the three things you want to avoid.  Take out a note pad.  These are kinda important.  1) Feeling a pop anywhere in your body  2) Pains in the chest  3) Being dead.  Medlen’s time in the rotation just got a bit longer.

Ryan Braun – He was removed after getting plunked on the elbow.  And someone has to pay Eric Plunk a nickel.  Not it!  Braun’s day-to-day, which is better than week-to-week and much better than minute-to-minute.  Fine line, friends.  Fine line.

Manny Corpas – 1 IP, 4 ER.  I’ve set some kind for record of picking up new closers only to watch them club me over the head with my trust.  It’s taken me longer to put together furniture from Ikea than for Corpas to suck.

Huston Street – Will begin rehab on Thursday.  Aw, maybe only two more weeks of Manny Corpas.  So sad. /sarcasm

Eric Young Jr. – Jim Tracy knows Clint Barmes.  He knows Melvin Mora.  Why doesn’t he know Eric Young Jr.?  Just send him back to the minors if you’re not going to play him.  I hate you, Jim Tracy.

Miguel Olivo – Only 4 hits in his last 34 at-bats.  The not so good Olivo that’s played in the majors for the last 7 years is starting to rear its ugly head.  Bring back Iannetta!

Troy Tulowitzki – MRI showed nothing major so Tulo should be back in the next couple of days.  Tulo legit 2 quit.

Tommy Hanson – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, now has a 2.30 ERA on the year.  When I avoided him in the preseason, I said I might regret not owning him.  And that’s me paraphrasing my regret!

Chipper Jones – Glass Chipper has an aggravated right groin.  That’ll teach him to pay so much attention to his left groin.  Stop neglecting your right groin, it’s aggravated!

Jason Heyward – Yesterday, he tested his groin.  Hey now!  Heyward hopes to play Tuesday, which is today for 98% of our readers.  Thanks, Google Analytics!

Carlos Gomez – To the DL with a left rotator cuff strain.  Jody Gerut should see starts, but Jim Edmonds probably will.  Why?  Because the Brewers want people time traveling from the year 2000 to feel at home when they see Edmonds.

John Jaso – 3-for-5 as John Jaso Jingleheimer Schmidt bats .350 on the year.

Chad Billingsley – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners (4 BBs), 7 Ks.  Now has three decent starts in his last four.  Yes, it’s only three decent starts in his last 6, but I’m cherrypicking stats here, leave me alone.

Brandon Morrow – 1 2/3 IP, 6 ER.  Damn those hodgepodjays and their sexy upside!

Aaron Hill – 0-for-4, batting .190 on the year with 2 homers.  Yup.

Brennan Boesch – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs as he bats near .400 in the last week.  Should be playing for at least another two weeks, until Guillen returns.  Worth a look in deep mixed leagues for a part-time replacement.

Ivan Rodriguez – 4-for-4 as he bats .393 on the year.  Yeah, that makes sense.

Luis Atilano – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Now has 12 walks to 11 strikeouts.  That’s an avoid.

Miguel Batista – The poet laureate of the major leagues notched a save in Capps’ stead.  Capps had pitched two consecutive days.  Don’t matter, just don’t bite on Batista.  And what’s a mention of Batista without Castro…

Starlin Castro – 0-for-2, 3 errors.  Cubs fans blamed the third one on Bartman.