Fantasy Baseball Advice

Yesterday Ramon Something-or-other hit two home runs. Ben Zobrist (a quarter Jewish, not too shabby!) hit two home runs. Others getting in on the action were Mike Hessman, Ryan Raburn (who sounds like he should be dating Angela Lansbury), Casey McGehee, Control Alt-Delete, Jeff Bailey, Francisco Cervelli, Cousin Jerri and lots of dudes that don’t even have pictures in their ESPN player profile so I just assume they all look like a young Micah Hoffpauir. With half of these guys, you don’t know if you’re watching your brother Rob or Disco Bob. You name ‘em, and they’re starting right now. Really bad time to be trying to make up some offense. Your absolute best bet right now is to load up on Brewers, Mets, Twins, White Sox and Phils. There is also something to starting guys that are going against these teams. Many times opposing managers will play their regulars as an unwritten law of sportsmanship. (Oh, no! I wrote it!)  Finally, look for guys that are going for personal accomplishments. For instance, Mussina goes this Sunday for his 20th win. The Yankees and Mussina will give it their all on Sunday. Everyone else, there’s no saying if they’re going to start. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Mariano Rivera - Done for the year with a sore shoulder. I imagine Girardi’s so pissed at the mess Torre left him that he can’t even watch a movie that stars Paul Sorvino. Joba Chamberlain will close in Mariano’s place.

Pedro Martinez - Pedro really wanted to help the Mets in some big games. He’s not. It’s actually pretty depressing watching him pitch. He was incredible for some many years. Last night I kinda felt like I was watching him for the last time. Guys who carry around dwarfs aren’t supposed to go out like this!

Micah Hoffpauir - 5-for-5 with 2 HRs yesterday. He had a huge season at Triple-A this year and should see playing time this weekend. Definitely worth a look.

Scot Shields - Got the save yesterday and might get more this weekend as the Angels prepare for the playoffs.

Cliff Lee - Good chance he does NOT pitch on Sunday. (Supersized “not” is for our elderly readers. Hey, they’re showing Car 54, Where Are You? reruns! Ever notice how old people always specify when something is a rerun? Like we didn’t know a show that was off the air for 20 years wasn’t live.)

Mark Reynolds - Sets the strikeout record with 201 Ks. In the beginning of the year, Reynolds said he would not let striking out hinder his approach at the plate. Here’s the thing, Whiffie. 201 strikeouts kinda hinders your approach at the plate. Cust kayin’.

Anibal Sanchez - Lost his last start of the year to rain. Damn, Joba, stop dancing.

Troy Percival - Returned to action yesterday. Had this to say, “The run in from the bullpen is a bit much. Maybe we should bring back the bullpen cars.”

Yovani Gallardo - Did what was expected. Pitched well for 4 innings. Thankfully he didn’t reinjure himself. But there’s always the playoffs.

Carlos Gomez - 4-for-5 yesterday. Obviously he likes playing in April and September.

Kaz Matsui - 3-for-3 yesterday. He’s hit in 7 straight. Those chasing steals in these final days might wanna look at K-Mat aka Godzilla Jr.

Ichiro Suzuki - Supposedly some Mariners players wanted to knock Ichiro out. As in punch him and not stop. Here’s the story. Few things spring to mind — Point #1, All the players on that team and Ichiro is the one you want to beat up? The Mariners play the blame game as well as they play baseball. Point #2, Have any of them seen him run to first? Who was going to catch him? Carlos Silva? Which brings me back to point number #1. Beat up Carlos Silva! Point #3, Ichiro will crane kick your ass. Wax on, wax off, Jose Lopez.

You know how you never really see yourself for who you are? Right, well, I wonder if Sheets doesn’t see himself as injury-prone. Instead, Sheets sees everyone else and thinks they’re Magoo’ing their way through their life. He sits in the locker room and he’s like, “Wow, Fielder I can’t believe you didn’t just twist your ankle right there!” And Fielder looks at him confused, “Ben, I was just tying CC’s shoelaces for him.” (Cause Prince and CC obviously have to tie each other’s shoelaces.) Also, I wonder if Sheets’s family is constantly trying to get him out of harm’s way. His wife, “Let Ben Jr. go get you some more flapjacks from the buffet. Those heatlamps look hot.” Either way, Sheets is injured. A few starts ago he complained of groin tightness. That was obviously bull–Sheets now is complaining of elbow pain. I’d make plans to be without Sheets and drop him if you need the roster room. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Adam LaRoche/David Ortiz/Hunter Pence - Each with 2 HRs. In my barbecue grill’s vernacular, I’d say these players are HOO or Hot Off Off. I’m sure a lot of you wouldn’t mind a HOW or a WHO or even a WOW.

Edwin Encarnacion - Has pain in his wrist. Never a good place for a hitter to have pain. Also, now is the time of the year when people mysteriously sit out for a week even though they are only day-to-day. Yes, BJ Upton, I’m talking to you.

Hanley Ramirez - 2 HRs. Rejoice! Unfortunately, he came out of the game with shoulder soreness. Dejoice! Though he says he shouldn’t miss more than a game at most. Re-rejoice!

Brad Ziegler - Gave up his first major league home run, but his season ERA is only 0.82, which is actually bested by his teammate, Devine at 0.65. Incredible years these two are having. I think Devine’s going to be closing next year and Ziegler will be setting him up, but stay tuned.

Ty Wigginton - Finally was able to take some weight off his teammates and chip in an 0-for-4.

Cliff Lee - Didn’t have his best stuff, but before this bizarro season that would’ve meant he was rocked for ten runs. Instead he got hit around a little, but it wasn’t that awful and just missed recording his 23rd win.

Chone Figgins - Elbow pain from being hit by a pitch isn’t going away. He has no idea why. I have an idea; he weighs a buck-thirty soaking wet and he has skinny, granny bones. I’d expect the Angels to rest him right up until the playoffs.

Tony Peña - As of right now, Peña and Qualls are probably sharing closing duties. That’s if Qualls isn’t hiding an injury, which he might be because he should have been out there for the save last night. Stuck an nena on his en and called it macaroni…

Jeff Francis - Done for the year. Back date this to April.

Michael Young - Left the game yesterday because of pain in his fractured finger. He’s been trying to play through it to get to 200 hits. Don’t worry, Young, when it’s time, I’m sure the Hall of Fame committee will ignore your accomplishments either way.

Aaron Harang - Complete game shutout. Lots of offense all around baseball yesterday and Harang comes out smelling like roses. You say tomato, Harang says tomahto… You say elevator, Harang says lift…

Carlos Gomez - HR yesterday and now has 13 RBIs in the last 7 days. Watch CarGo go.

Brandon Knight - 5 IP, 2 ER, 5 Ks. Gets out of KITT, throws a decent couple of innings, but is benefited by facing the Nots, then gets back in KITT and drives off.

Ryan Shealy - Of course he hit a home run. Was there any doubt he would hit one today?

Freddy Garcia - Yes, he looked fine tonight. Yes, he used to be decent. No, I don’t want any part of him. But he goes against the Royals next. Fine, in some deep leagues you can look.

Travis Hafner - HR yesterday. The Comatose Indians Fan can’t wait to see who the Indians are matching up with in the playoffs. Maybe the Tigers! Meanwhile, in Michigan, a young man wakes from a six month coma. He turns on Sportscenter to see the Tigers scored 17 runs with most of the runs coming from the bottom of the order. “They are just like the ‘27 Yanks!” Comatose Tigers Fan can’t wait to see his team beat the Yankees in the playoffs.

Kila Ka’aihue will need a nickname if he plans on being as good as he looked in the minors this year. How about Misplaced Apostrophe? Nope. Ka’aihue hits home runs and, get this, doesn’t strikeout. Weird! Check this out, Tootsie Roll. He had 67 strikeouts and 104 walks. Sign me up! Wait, you haven’t even heard the exciting part yet. He hit the fourth most HRs in the minor leagues in 2008 with 37, which were hit between Double-A and Triple-A. How about the nickname, Keanu? It means Cool Breeze Over the Mountains in Hawaiian. Nope. Ka’aihue has to battle for playing time on the Royals, but if he gets some, I’d take a flier in AL-Only leagues and monitor closely in keeper leagues and mixed leagues. How about The Big Island? Hmm, that’s not bad. Anyway, here’s some other fantasy baseball players to buy and sell:

BUY

Josh Fields - With Crede suffering from back pain (Crede should totally go see my acupuncturist. She speaks no English and she tries to charge me double every time I go, but still she’s like Anne Sullivan with needles.), Guillen turns to Uribe, a guy that somehow has had a major league career. C’mon, Josh Fields Forever…

Josh Anderson - Who’s this effin’ schmohawk Grey’s touting this week? Easy there, guy. I’ll slice you. Josh Anderson has started every game in the last week and he has a home run and three steals. If you’re hurting for steals, you can do worse.

Mike Lowell - If he was dropped in your league, he’d due back today.

Dexter Fowler - Worth a NL-Only flier in keeper leagues. He might be someone to look at late in the season if/when the Rox get Elimidated by the Dodgers and Diamondbacks. He might not have a spot next year, but I think the Rox are going to do all they can to move on from Taveras.

Brandon Wood - Starting just about every game. When the Angels clinch, which is academic at this point, Wood should see even more time as Scioscia gives his regulars some rest.

Travis Snider - I mentioned picking up Travis Snider earlier today. And that’s me linking to me!

James Loney - My first baseman had a second name, it’s L-O-N-E-Y. He’s a .370 September hitter.

Casey Kotchman - Since we’re talking about 1st basemen that don’t have a cholesterol problem. Kotchman bats near .320 in September.

Rafael Furcal - At middle infield, you can afford to gamble on a DL slot.

Mike Hessman - With the Tigers playing for nothing and Guillen hurting, Hessman could see time at 3rd base. He had 32 home runs in Triple-A this year and he was awesome in Head of the Class.

SELL

Carlos Zambrano - He’s inflammed! Inflammed, I tell ya!

Mike Lamb -Well, he got the “out like a Lamb” part right.

Carlos Gomez - Bad week for Carloses (Carli?). In some leagues, where I’m desperate for steals, I’m holding him, but the Twins have been going out of their way to find other options. You probably should too.

Brandon Morrow - Let’s be realistic, he hasn’t been that good in the minors while stretching myself out, he pitches for the Mariners (F-Her is 9-9) and he won’t last much longer than six innings in any start. If you’re in a pinch, I could see taking a flier. Caveat emptor, for those in Latin America.

Gary Sheffield - He’d show you, but he’s too old; too banged up and too fuckin’ blind– I mean… See the first two.

Evan Longoria - I had my doubts about Longoria returning, and now he’s yet to pickup a bat, 4 days after he was supposedly returning. There’s. Three. Weeks. Left.

Carlos Guillen - This is the time of year that regulars give way to rooks, especially on clubs that are out of it. This goes double for guys who are battling injury. En garde, Injury!

Carlos Quentin - Actually, it’s an awful week for Carloses. He has a fractured wrist. Drop him in all leagues, except keepers.

Recently, I realized I like my steals like I like my women, cheap. Sure, there’s girls out there that know which spork to eat their Hamburger Helper with, but real value is found in girls that can have fun in a bar with sawdust on the floor and Jimmy Buffett playing on the jukebox. Now this doesn’t mean I’m turning my nose up at Kate Bosworth if she shows up at my door in sweatpants, carrying some takeout Chinese. Same goes for fantasy baseball. Steals is a category I tend to neglect on draft day in March. The only pure speed guys I’ll consider, where they are drafted, are first round gems like Jose Reyes and Hanley Ramirez. I’m not suggesting you punt steals, because that would put too much pressure on your other categories. (Just like if you neglect getting laid.) Instead, I opt for Grady Sizemore, Corey Hart or Chase Utley-types. Guys that give you everything, including ten to twenty steals. In one league where I drafted Carl Crawford, when I saw his power still wasn’t coming this year, I traded him for Braun two months ago. But when you don’t draft a Juan Pierre-types, you’re usually hurting a bit for steals and need some cheap ones. Anyway, here’s some cheap steals that you might find on your waiver wire:

Chris Dickerson - Plus speed, some power and a womb-full of strikeouts. In NL-Only leagues, he should be owned already or picked up. In deep leagues, he’s an add on need. Dickerson will sit (or you should sit him) against lefties. His splits are weird guy cheerleader bad.

Denard Span - A near .400 OBP warrants consideration in all leagues. He is the starter even with Cuddyer’s return and he’s entrenched in the leadoff spot.

Carlos Gomez - As he starts to hit the waiver wire in a bunch of leagues, I find myself liking him more. In a few leagues where I need steals and have the room, I’ve grabbed Gomez off waivers and have substituted him in on days that someone on my team sits or short schedule days. He may lose playing time to Cuddyer so that might make him step up his game or not, but if it’s cheap it can’t be that bad.

Lastings Milledge - Mentioned him last week as a guy who has a chance to be the quietest 20/20 in recent memory. His steals do come at a price to your average.

Mike Cameron - See one half centimeter above.

Jerry Hairston Jr. - About to return from hamstring injury. His vacay was so extended and with the nature of his injury, I’m not that high on him having a huge amount of value upon return, but if he’s there you take the flier, cause that’s what you do.

Joey Gathright - He reminds me of this nasty couscous my friend used to eat for lunch. The tartar on your tongue tasted better than this stuff. So why did he eat it? Because it was cheap. Joey Gathright is nasty couscous.

Cesar Izturis - Cheap’s one thing, but Cesar Izturis? Oy, his name should be just tsuris (Yiddish Word of the Day). Whatever, Jackie Mason, he’s .429 with 4 steals in the last 7 games. SAGNOF!

Emmanuel Burris - How awesome would it be if Burris and Fred Lewis were near the cage and Bochy said, “Hey, Emmanuel, Lewis, come here.” And they responded in unison, “Sure thing, Mr. Papadapolis!”

Justin Morneau can hit 20 home runs in the 2nd half. Will he? Let me take out my voodoo chicken… Seriously, I’m not a fortune teller. What, you think I have some kind of Pagan Gods telling me what to do? (Bee tee dubya, I considered not capping Pagan. Because, honestly, how many Pagans really read this site? Is that our largest demographic? Probably.) So if I had Pagan Gods telling me what to do… Wait a second, isn’t a Pagan God just a tad contradictory? It’s like an Anarchist Organization. (Again, I contemplated not capping Anarchist Organization, but, well… Why chance it? These are the last people you want to bother. I could see it now, Grey Albright was murdered today because he didn’t cap Anarchist. Suspects include Anarchists and Grammar Nazis.) Morneau hit 24 home runs in the 1st half of last year, then got aboard the Goodship FizzlePop and hit only 7 Post-ASB. So I think you should stay away from him–No, I don’t. I like Morneau going into the All-Star Break this year and I’ll tell you why… There’s no good reason! Joking, of course there is. He’s 27, the magic year for hitters. He was great in ‘06. With the Twins back in contention, maybe that’s his thing. I like the idea of anyone that has shown they can hit 24 home runs in a half (and 23 in the 1st half of ‘06). That’s not something you find every day. It’s worth a gamble if you need pop. Anyway, here’s some more fantasy baseball players to Buy and Sell:

BUY

Garrett Atkins - Last year’s 2nd half, 12/58/.349. 2006’s 2nd half 18/62/.354. If you’re having a hard time reading between those numbers, don’t. Just read them.

Juan Rivera - Zubaz4Fans, who has the best forum picture, name and hotline to the Bobby Grich-ville Angels, reports that Juan Rivera will be starting over Gary Matthews Jr for the near future. I think this sticks. Or as Rex Hudler aka The Hud would say, “Juan Rivera drives in runs!” (BTW, what other site do you go to that you get reports from someone who named themselves after Zubaz Pants?)

Adam Jones - .417/12 RBIs in last 12 games. If he becomes a star, he may get himself a nickname like Taipei Slinklo. Stay tuned.

David Ross - No relation to Cody or Bob (God rest Bob’s soul and may he be sleeping on a happy cloud somewhere or tossing and turning if there are Pagans reading this). Has three home runs. David Ross can hit 12 in the 2nd half while batting .220. If you can hang with that, hit your fist against the jukebox and pickup Ross.

Chris Volstad - He sounds like a character in an Anne Rice book and he pitches like Derek Lowe, but that’s not completely terrible. Could have some matchup potential.

Josh Johnson - He pitches like every other fourth starter. Some Ks, low 4 ERA, high WHIP. Matchups potential. Eff why eye, if you have too many pitchers with matchup potential, you have no potential. Chew on that!

Dave Bush - For two years, Bush was an unshaven mess.  Had promise, but needed serious grooming.  Stunk so bad that many men thought about giving up.  But suddenly Bush cleaned up and looks presentable… First sign of a flare-up, get out.

Any Pitcher Facing The Mariners - Someone just beat the Mariners. And someone else. Vicente Padilla just called, he wants to pitch against them this Saturday disguised as Gil Meche. Hey, you’re not Meche! *Padilla slowly backs out of the Royals clubhouse*

Denard Span - Sometimes we should look away from real baseball and concentrate on what a guy could do in fantasy — most closers, for instance. But with the Twins, it’s hard to ignore their ability to put a consistently good ball club on the field, no matter the personnel changes. With this in mind, I think the Twins will put Span at the top of the lineup. Gomez has an OBP under .300. I know some of you who read are new to following baseball, while others are more experienced, so I’ll keep this short. Under a .300 OBP is not only bad for real baseball, it’s bad for fantasy baseball. Either way, Span has no power yet, but he’s slashing his way to being a mainstay in the Twinkies lineup with very quick hands.

SELL

Carlos Gomez - Most of what I have to say is in Span’s. I will add that on April 15th I watched the Twins and I said this, “In your box score it shows a K in the first inning. He struckout trying to bunt with two strikes. You’re thinking, “Well, that shows how committed he was to moving the guy over.” Dude, he was leading off the game! I really don’t think you want CarGo on your team right now. He doesn’t know what’s coming or going with pitch selection.” Someone in the comments on that April 15th post doubted me. As I said in the comments then, Gomez has unquestionable speed, you cannot steal first base.

Vernon Wells - Punt.

Mike Mussina - What’s a seven letter word for an over-the-hill Yankees pitcher that will disappoint fantasy owners in the 2nd half? I don’t know how many people are reading this that are carrying Mussina on a team, but here’s a harsh reality. Last year, 5.72 ERA in the 2nd half. This year, he’s a year older and a year crappier. 1st half wins or not.

Billy Wagner - He collapsed (almost literally) at the end of last year. He’s not who he thinks he is, if that makes sense. I couldn’t be anymore down on a closer that currently is in good favor with the majority of the fantasy baseball community. (BTW, our community consists of me writing emails to other sites, “Could you stop spamming me? I don’t want to add your widget to my site.”)

Justin Duchscherer - I kinda want him to be bad just so I don’t have to keep writing his last name. But, truthfully, there’s a long history of converted relievers doing well in the 1st half of their inaugural season of starting than fizzling in the 2nd half. Actually, I made that up. But it sounds right, right? I betcha one of those fancy, sabermetric fantasy baseball sites would have an answer for you. But then again, they will bore you to tears. Seriously, I wanna go in and punch up the writing on some of their posts. Well, the cross-platform splits of the XBHs shows a trend towards the fourth-quadrant Least Common Denominator. Hardy-har, there’s no way Ryan Howard hits 16 home runs in July! That reminds of something Ted Striker said that made the nun want to kill herself.