Fantasy Baseball Advice

Recently, I had the pleasure of doing karaoke with Johnny Cueto.  He decided to go with Landslide by Fleetwood Mac.  Here’s what he sang, “I took my ERA and I took it down….  I climbed a mountain and I turned around…  And I saw my xFIP in the snow covered hills… Well, I’ve been afraid of changing… ‘Cause I’ve kicked the life out of Jason LaRue… Awh, take this ERA, and TAKE IT DOWN!…”  Then I joined him on stage for Islands in the Stream.  Cueto was pitch perfect with Stevie Nicks even if he did skip lines here and there to keep it related to fantasy baseball.  Right now, his ERA is 1.63.  Oh, c’mon.  Seriously, come on.  Come on, come on, come on Chameleon!  His xFIP is 3.52.  His K-rate is 6.23 which isn’t good and below previous season marks.  He’s leaving 83% men on and has a .216 BABIP.  There’s not one category he’s excelling in right now except ERA.  The mouth on the left side says, “S.” The mouth on the right side says, “ell.”  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Jonathan Broxton – ‘So much junk, so much junk inside that trunk’ could be lyrics about the Dodgers bullpen or specifically about Broxton.

Mark Melancon – He doesn’t make the cut off of 50% owned in ESPN for this post, but that’s my own self-imposed rule, so screw you, homes!  Kidding.  (Or am I?!)  I’m listing Melancon because his ownership is actually going down.  Um, he’s the closer, what gives?

Chris Carter – I just went over my Chris Carter fantasy.  I wrote it while waiting for a studio light to fall on Carson Daly’s head.

Ty Wigginton – I just got a Lane Bryant spring collection catalog in the mail so that could only mean one thing… I accidentally got my neighbor’s mail.  Oh, and Ty Wigginton’s hitting.

Jeff Baker – While the Purple Evolutionist is off mending and writing in his journal about the dodo bird, Baker is seeing starts in his stead.  “Yo, get out of my stead!”  That was a farmer in the 1860′s.

Jemile Weeks – Just went over him this morning, shut all your porn windows and pay attention to Razzball!

Tsuyoshi Nishioka – This will be the last mention of Nishioka in a Buy column.  Won’t mean I like him more or less, but shizz is getting repetitive.

Chris Getz – Has stolen a decent amount of bases this season (12 — well, I did modify with ‘decent’), but he’s strictly a poor man’s everyman.

David Freese – Over the course of a full season, he’s capable of 20 homers and a solid average.  He won’t be playing a whole season. Don’t quibble, Random Italicized Voice.  But I’m hungry. That’s not what quibble means.  Riiiight. I’d grab Freese and expect some power and a good average.

Dayan Viciedo – I think we’re finally affecting change.  Last week I told you to pick up Viciedo and this week he’s gone up 0.1% in ownership at ESPN.  Woo-hoo!  Razzball, we’re the tenth-percenters!

Roger Bernadina – I told you to grab him about a month ago.  In that time, he’s been better than Victorino, Ethier, Beltran, Bautista (eat it!), Bossman Upton, Abreu, Ichiro, etc. etc. etc.  How is he owned in only 24% of ESPN leagues?  Oh, as we just learned, he’d only be owned in 23.9% of ESPN leagues without us.  Yay me!

Jason Bay – Haven’t been a big fan of his for years and I’m not suddenly flipping sides like Anakin.  I told you to grab him the other day after his 3-for-3, home run game.  Then he went back to old Bay without the delicious fish, meat or chicken seasoning.  If he’s available, I’d take a flyer that he might get hot.

Wily Mo Pena – Probably only a very short term add for power.  On the bright side, his strikeouts generate electricity.

Jonny Gomes – It’s Jonny cat!  Frisky!  I love this short term add for power, but you must be able to switch him in and out of your lineup when he’s not playing.

Desmond Jennings – I’m guessing he’s up in the next week to ten days.  If someone wants to Gillooly Fuld and Ruggiano, that time can be bumped up.

Jon Jay – Four score and one month ago, I told you Juan Hay would get value when Holliday went to the DL.  He did a’ight, but didn’t really shamwow my fantasy teams.  Well, he’s getting another opportunity with Pujols carrying the burden of one million fantasy teams ruined.

Jordan Schafer – The Braves announced that even with the return of McLousy, Schafer will be the starter.  Now when Prado returns something’s gotta give, old lady movie.  Until then, I’d grab Schafer for some speed.

Brandon Beachy – I’ve talked about him so much that he should be on everyone’s team that reads this site.  There’s really no excuse.  And that’s me just being real with you.

Cory Luebke – If he were on any other team, I’d tell you to hold, but in Petco very little can go wrong (damn, if that’s not a jinx I don’t know what is).

Carlos Carrasco – His name sounds like an upscale Mexican restaurant and he’s throwing some good stuff at the plate.  It’s a mashup of puns!  I’m like Girl Talk of fantasy baseball bloggers.  (If you don’t know Girl Talk, shame on you.  Download All Day.  Here’s your preemptive you’re welcome.)

Doug Fister – Fister?  But he hardly knew her!  Sorry, so hard to resist that.  He’s at a 3.34 ERA and 1.21 WHIP on the season.  Yeah, that’s better than that other schmohawk you own.  And him too.

SELL

Rick Porcello – Of course you should drop him.  I’m only listing him to make a point.  We get some comments in the Buy/Sell that there are so many more Buy’s than Sell’s.  Well, yeah, dur.  I’m not going to list 35 names of players to drop.  Plus, people have players that are injured and need short term replacements so that’s what the Buy does.  Gives you some names for fill-in’s.  Now back to the Sell…

Ryan Vogelsong – He’s up to about 97% owned which means there’s been some Johnny-come-lately’s who have gone to the waiver wire in your league to find Vogelsong gone.  After that, they’re like, “Damn, you so-and-so always get the hot waiver wire adds.”  At that point, you sell Vogelsong to them.

Michael Morse – Sorry, you knew it was coming though, right?  I mean, he hit .400+ in May and around .330 so far in June.  If he hit .270 the rest of the way, it wouldn’t completely surprise me.  He has 13 home runs now, he might hit ten the rest of the way.  That would give him around 25 homers and .280 for the whole season.  That’s great, wonderful, superlative.  Now I’m not trading him for a Bed, Bath and Beyond 20% off coupon, but I would explore options.

Derek Jeter left yesterday’s game with a Grade 1 strain of his calf as reported by ESPN, ESPN 2, ESPN News, ESPN U., ESPN Deportes and on the ticker at the bottom of the screen while they aired Mr. 3000 on ABC.  Yes, I’m just as bad for even talking about it.  Hey, pot, what’s up?  Kettle, here.  You black?  Whatever, it was a slow day yesterday in fantasy baseball — shoot, Justin Ruggiano was almost the lead.  Member a few years ago when people were talking about how Jeter could get to 4,000 hits?  I’d be surprised now to see him get to 3,400.  Dorian Gray paint is starting to fade.  You read me?  Yeah, you do.  My guess is Jeter will avoid the DL and make us endure more 3,000 hit talk after he rests his veal for a few days.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Russell Martin – Scratched with back stiffness.  See, I’m usually scratched with back itchiness.

Carlos Carrasco – 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks.  If you started him in The House They Built Next To The House That Ruth Built, you deserved this win.  Crazy thing is, Carrasco’s pitching better than his ERA is showing, but, outside of this game, the Ks have been pretty pedestrian.  You ride the lightning in AL-Only leagues; I’d avoid still in mixed leagues.

Justin Ruggiano – 2-for-3 and hitting near .500 in the last week.  Sam Fuld handed off his magic beans to a new past-prime prospect.  So is this on par, ma, for Ruggiano?  Will he melt under the hot lights?  Or will he be solid enough to great?  In Triple-A, Ruggiano had back-to-back years of 15 homers and 23+ steals.  The problem with anyone who’s seeing their first look in the bigs in three years when they’re 29 years old is why.  While why is a question that self help gurus teach to help you keep a conservation going, I don’t particularly want to talk about Ruggiano all that much more.  He’s currently hitting enough to pick up in all leagues, but I don’t think he’s going to keep it going.

Alex Cobb – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks.  This was a better-than-decent start, but right now it looks like Cobb’s headed to the minors after one more start.  Gary Glitter, “That don’t sound bad at all!”

Brandon Lyon – 1 IP, 3 ER.  Now has 8 earned runs since he returned.  Hey, he looks like his old self!  If someone prematurely dropped Melancon from their team, I’d go ahead and make the grab.

Wandy Rodriguez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  The Wandwagon returned from the DL and got immediately back on the right track.

Brett Anderson – Set to rehab for six weeks but will be reevaluated in three weeks. So that puts his next setback around two weeks away.

Ricky Nolasco – 3 IP, 5 ER, 12 baserunners, 3 Ks and he was pitchslapped by Zach Duke (who took a couple of right crosses too).  I said I wouldn’t touch Nolasco in any league this preseason and I didn’t.  He now sits at a 4.23 ERA and he always seems to push that over 5.  Amazing how much good will he got from one solid year out of five.

Justin Morneau – Time for a daily check-in on this sad robot.  “Tears make me rust!”  That’s Morneau.  He just had an MRI on his wrist.  The Vottomatic comes with titanium wrist joints.  Why’s Morneau having his wrist checked?  He needs to have his head checked.  He probably needs a new operating system.  On Morneau’s player card it says POS:  1B.  The POS is right.

Vicente Padilla – Will miss an extended period of time with neck surgery.  It doesn’t look like he has a neck in this picture of Padilla.

Paul Maholm – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Now has a 3.12 ERA, 1.14 WHIP and not the greatest Ks.  You say to me, “Hey, Grey sweet ‘stache, it’s like you have three eyebrows.  Pregunta:  Should I pick up Maholm?”  His ERA will end close to 4 and he has no Ks.  I own him in one H2H league but wouldn’t touch him in most roto leagues.  In H2H, the inevitable terrible start, which is coming, is erased in a week, but in roto you gotta live with your decisions a lot longer.  Wow, I sound like a guidance counselor.

Hunter Pence – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 9th home run.  Now has a 23-game hitting streak.  Or 23 more games than Morneau.

Randy Wolf – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Wolf’s coming in this afternoon’s post about pitchers who are getting lucky, but he was also in the same post last month, so what the FIP do I know?

Jordan Schafer – 2-for-5 with his first home run.  In the past week, he has 6 steals.  He’s an intriguing name in deep leagues.  Just don’t jump out the window until you see how real the fire is.

Vernon Wells – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and 2 homers.  As frequent commenter, Terrance Mann, said, “Projections on any significant HRs the rest of the year from HGH Wells are pure science fiction.”

Anthony Bass – 5 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners (4 BBs), 1 K.  Outside of NL-Only leagues, I wouldn’t touch him yet.  Like Juba’s pizza dough on The Next Food Network Star, he’s too raw.

Charlie Blackmon – 2-for-4 and now has 3 steals in the last three games.  Maybe when he’s in the tunnel to the stadium, Eric Youg Jr. hands him a Pepsi.

Manny Ramirez – The Dodgers owe him $8.3 million in deferred payments.  In related news, the Dodger Dog prices were raised to $17,000 per hot dog.

It’s back again, but this time for longer. No, you won’t need any ointment, it’s just interleague play. It starts at the tail end of this week and continues into week 12. I am still not a fan for fantasy porpoises. (That’s a league of dolphins called Hard to the Albacore, in case you were wondering.) Interleague messes up everything; lineups, in game situations and my ability to conjugate verbs. So be careful when setting your lineups this week, certain players will lose at bats, causing them to lose a little value. On the other hand, pitching gains some value. As they face teams that never have seen them before or just not as frequent. So grabbing an extra relief pitcher or spot starter makes a lot of sense to me. So good luck this week as you peruse the week 11 low end pitching options for fantasy baseball. (Please keep in mind that match-ups and pitchers may change.)

ONE START OPTIONS:

6/15
Mark Buerhle @ Min – Blackburn
Charlie Morton @ Hou – Happ
Joe Saunders vs. SF – Bumgarner

6/16
Mike Minor vs. NYM – Dickey
Ryan Vogelsong @ Ari – Kennedy
Jeff Francis vs. Oak – Godfrey

6/17
Scott Baker vs. SD – Richard
John Lannan vs. Bal – Matusz
Kevibn Correia PIT @ Cle – Tomlin

Randy Wolf (@CHC vs. Dempster, @Bos vs. Lester) Unfortunately, road ERA is higher, that and he faces the demon known as the Red Sox lineup. Last five starts 1-0 with a 2.58 ERA. I still reminisce of the days when fans used to wear wolf masks and do a semi-Thriller inspired dance in Philly.

Carlos Carrasco (@NYY vs. Burnett, Pit vs. Maholm) Comes off the stellar start vs. the Triple-A team in Minnesota. ERA 2 runs lower on the road. Innings he needs to build, good stretch I see in his future. Thanks, Yoda.

Josh Outman (KC vs. Duffy, SF vs. Cain) Seems like Oakland has a series of plug and play pitchers that keep them in games. Low K potential. The Coliseum helps anyone outperform because of its wasted space, which is getting its own home and garden show.

Alex Cobb (@Det vs. Coke, Fla vs. Nolasco) Stays in rotation, for now, until Niemann is better from his boo-boo. Never going to be an ace, but should be a decent fill-in guy for AL only or deep leagues in the future. Needs to stop with the free passes to be effective.

Mike Pelfrey (@Pit vs. Maholm, Ana vs. Chatwood) Previously lambasted by the Buccos. Is usually aided by the confines of Flushing. Gives up way too many hits to be a consistent fantasy contributor. Based on match-ups it’s worth a shot.

Aaron Cook (SD vs. Moseley, Det vs. Verlander) Lunch pail, deep end of the pool pitcher. Only desperation and a start at Petco make him special. Well, what do ya know? He has neither this week. If he really is a cook, then thousands die from food poisoning.

Carlos Villanueva (Bal vs. Britton, @Cin vs. Arroyo) Chuck New House is still undefeated as a SP. Toronto has been killing the ball and last time I checked run support is important. LH batting .155 against.

Paul Maholm (NYM vs. Pelfrey, @Cle vs. Carrasco) A victim of fantasy unfairness. Run support. Still sports an ERA under 3.40 and only has 2 wins to show for his efforts. ERA at 2.45 at home and BAA is a low .223.

Jason Vargas (Ana vs. Haren, Phi vs. Hamels) Is on the cusp of fantasy legitimacy and then this week happens, 2 starts against two top ten pitchers. Previous mastery of Angels helps his cause for an add this week, Philly start makes me regret what I just typed.

Bronson Arroyo (@CHC vs. Dempster, Tor vs. Villanueva) Named after Charles Bronson, and all along I thought he was named after the “Perfect Strangers” guy, who knew? Falls into the same category as Wolf as guys who are always at the top of the waiver wire but are never on a team long.

Josh Collmenter ARI (SF vs. Cain, CHW vs. Floyd) His ERA is barely enough to buy an ice cream, 1.11. His numbers scream out luck, but why not take advantage of a good thing while it lasts; his pitching not the ice cream. Though I was thinking the same thing.

After being hit on the kneecap by a Jon Lester pitch, Mark Teixeira needed to be helped off the field by “Quiz Kid” Donnie Smith– I mean, Joe Girardi.  Te(i)x must have been in serious pain to let a grown man with braces help him off the field.  That’s I before E except in Teixeira seizes codeine.  Luckily, Te(i)x’s x-rays came back negative and it sounds like he’ll only be out a few days with a bruised knee.  You feel me?  Yeah, you do.  Now stop touching me.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Chris Jakubauskas – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks.  He’s not a worth a pickup outside a 20 team league that only uses Orioles.  BTW, you think he ever misspells his own last name?

Nick Markakis – 0-for-4, hitting .236 on the year with 4 home runs.  Not sure what happened to this young brother, but I wouldn’t even start him in an AL-Only league at this point.

Rubby de la Rosa – 5 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Nine baserunners in 5 innings isn’t great; 5 walks vs. 4 Ks is terrible.  He has a decent K-rate, but walks have been an issue before.  I’d grab him in deeper leagues, but leave him on your bench for his next start.  BTW, ESPN had a 17-word article that would make an eHow article look Pulitzer-worthy about how Rubby and Dee Gordon were in a game together and Ruby Dee was once in A Raisin in the Sun.  “Hey, I got this great piece about Rubby, Dee Gordon and Ruby Dee!”  “Great, give it to me in 20 words or less and in three minutes!”

Jonathan Broxton – If all goes according to plan, Broxton should be back within the next two weeks.  So if he was dropped, I’d stash him for the future ulcer he will give you when he becomes the closer again.

Dee Gordon – 3-for-5 with a steal as he hit leadoff.  I was telling people yesterday to go with Eric Young Jr. over Gordon, but I think I wanna retract that.  Can I get a do over?

Matt Kemp – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 17th home run.  Speaking of do overs, can I go back and draft Kemp on every team?  It’s no shock that the team where we are sitting comfortably in first has Kemp on it.

Javy Guerra – Think it’s a conincidence that the Dodgers haven’t had a save chance in two weeks?  I don’t.  For now, Guerra does seem like the guy they are holding back in case of a save opp.

Mike Carp – The Mariners called up the power-hitting 1st baseman.  Since May 1st, he has 16 home runs.  Of course, that’s in the PCL, which is like hitting with an aluminum bat on the moon but still.  Carp should see some ABs because the Mariners have no business playing Jack Cust.  Cust kayin’.

Allen Craig – Left yesterday’s game after crashing into the wall.  He might miss a few days with a bruised knee, which isn’t half as delicious as a braised knee.

Lance Berkman – 1-for-3 with a home run a day after he had a steroid injected into his wrist.  I guess as long as it’s not in your ass it’s okay.  (You don’t have to go all Professor Frink in the comments, I know it’s a different type of steroid.  I’m just bitter that Berkman’s not slowing down.)

Jon Rauch – 1 IP, 0 ER and the save.  Francisco did Mr. Bungle yesterday’s game so there’s a chance Rauch could see more looks.  SAGNOF!

Francisco Liriano – 5 IP, o ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Best he’s looked all year.  Yeah, better than the no-hitter.  If he’s out on waivers, I’d take a flyer on him to see if he just needed some warm weather and to get healthy.

Brett Anderson – As reported here after inferring shizz from other sites, Anderson was DL’d and is now going to see Dr. Freeze.  You broke-ace trick!

Felix Hernandez – 6 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks.  F-Her?  More like F-U for drafting a top SP in the first few rounds.

Phil Humber – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks.  His K-rate looks like Livan Hernadez’s when throwing BP.  His BABIP is the second lowest (read: luckiest) in the league.  His name sounds like it should be one word and a verb — She philhumbered whenever the teacher asked her for the answer.  If you want to own him, be my guest.  I wouldn’t touch him.  (And since I feel you about to ask, this applies for Rick Porcello too.)

Carlos Quentin – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 15th home run.  I haven’t mentioned him much, probably because I don’t own him anywhere.  I like Quentin and think he’s capable of 35 homers if he stays healthy.  The problem is that ‘if’ is the size of Frenchie Davis.

Jordan Zimmermann – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks.  In the preseason, I told you to draft Zimmermann on every team.  Over two months into the season, his ERA is 3.39 and his WHIP is 1.12.  Yup.

Tommy Hanson – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Hommy Tanson is so money that money asked him for a loan.  Believe it!  Or don’t.  Your choice.

Brad Hand – 6 IP, 1 ER, 1 Hit, 1 Walk, 6 Ks.  Wow, a full house with the river card!  Can only hope at Pro Player/Joe Robbie/The Company Formerly Known As Blockbuster/Sun Life Stadium they played, “Let’s hear it for my Hand, let’s hear it for my baby.”  Hand had a so-so K and walk rate in Double-A this year and will probably get bounced from the rotation.  I’d only look at him in deep NL-Only leagues.

Daniel Hudson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks.  I’m sorry to insult Murray Chass, but wins are a really stupid category.  That is all.

Juan Miranda – 4-for-4 with his 6th home run.  He was hot about two weeks ago then ice cold.  And I say what’s cooler than bein’ cool?  Ice cold!  Miranda may be heating up again.  Hey ya!

Carlos Carrasco – 8 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks.  After the game, all the AL pitchers in the league were lined up to pitch to the Twins like that scene in Airplane when they’re lined up to slap that lady who is hysterical.

Tim Stauffer – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks.  It’s so cute when a Hodgepadre does what he’s supposed to do, I just want to pinch his cheeks.

Edinson Volquez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Sonavabench!

Miguel Cairo – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 2nd home run.  Mubarak categorically denied any responsibility for Cairo’s offensive outburst.

Jonathan Broxton blew his first save because of an error and he’s out as closer.  Hmph.  The Dodgers’ GM Colletti said the Dodgers would turn to Padilla and Broxton with Kuo joining the mix when he returns at the end of the week.  Hmph.  Hmph.  Mattingly then said last I checked Colletti doesn’t have a goatee and Broxton is still his closer, no committee.  Hmph.  Hmph.  Hmph.  Whatcha gonna do with all those hmphs?  All those hmphs up in your trunk?  Then Mattingly called Colletti a dwarf brain and shaved his goatee to reveal a cold sore.  Got all that?  Glad one of us does.  I’d own Broxton and Kuo.  Wouldn’t mess with this Padilla or this Padilla.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

James Loney – 4-for-4 with a steal.  I almost wrote the other day how there’s no way Loney stays hitting .200, but then I grew bored and fell asleep… Snooze…

Phil Hughes – Underwent four hours of tests on his arm.  Towards the end his arm just started answering C for everything.

Roger Bernadina – Recalled by the Nats.  I picked him up in every league he was available.  Yup, even that one.  Bernadina has 15/20 upside if he can stick with the club.  Chances he sticks aren’t great but aren’t quite slim to anorexic either, so there’s that.

Wilson Ramos – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and 2 home runs.  That’s a badonkadonk, for those from the Bronx.

Carlos Gonzalez – Held out Tuesday because he’s sucking on the ol’ suck wagon.  Well, I got this schmohawk right.  Now if only Jose Bautista would get mono from Casey Kotchman.

Jorge de la Rosa – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks.  I don’t own dlR anywhere but I get a lot of questions about whether he’s ownable, so it makes me question him.  Doode has a 2.61 ERA.  What are people looking for?

Todd Helton – 2-for-5 with 2 homers.  Did the Rockies wear throwback unis yesterday?

Casey McGehee – Sprained his thumb on the last play of the game on Monday and was held out of the game on Tuesday, leaving him on the bench to twiddle his thumbs — sick, painful irony.  If that’s irony, I have no idea.

Ryan Braun – Hit his 9th home run yesterday.  Yeah, his power is gone, Naysaying Preseason ‘Perts.

Jose Contreras – Has a strained elbow and will miss about a month, assuming he doesn’t have any setbacks.  But 67-year-olds tend to have setbacks getting out of bed.

Matt Harrison – 3 IP, 7 ER.  Don’t worry, Harrison, nothing can ever sully your Trapper John M.D. performance.

Carlos Carrasco – His MRI came back “perfect.”  Not to be that guy, but wouldn’t it be perfect if he didn’t have to go for an MRI?

Jack Hannahan – 3-for-4 with 2 homers.  If only Barbera could’ve been alive to see this.

Justin Masterson – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Rudy and I spot started him in, but since he has a 2.18 ERA on the year, we might not be returning him to waivers.  Stay tuned!  Or not.  Your choice.

Shin-Soo Choo – For an appetizer, I’d like the slam.  For the entree, I Choo-Choo-choose the legs.

Grady Sizemore – 3-for-4 and his 3rd homer, but was caught stealing.  No legs for you!

Pedro Alvarez – 0-for-4.  That’ll show ‘em!

Garrett Jones – Hit his 4th home run yesterday.  Robot is probably going to get the worst counting stat 20+ homer, 10 steal season in the history of baseball.

Charlie Morton – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Now has his ERA down to 3.00.  We should all be aboard with Morton by now, yah?  Yah.

Aaron Harang – 6 IP, 8 ER.  Did the Braves scare him by wearing Dusty Baker masks?

Brandon McCarthy – 5 1/3 IP, 7 ER and 15 baserunners.  In San Diego, they call that a strong offensive homestand.

Coco Crisp – Left the game with quad tightness.  Doesn’t sound cerealious.

Ryan Roberts – 2-for-4 with his 5th home run, batting .333.  Pedro Alvarez has one homer and is batting .205.  Kill me.

Mitchell Boggs – 1/3 IP, 1 ER and his first blown save.  After the game, Ryan Franklin said, “See!”

Hanley Ramirez – Working on getting a hitch out of his swing by getting his foot down quicker.  I wonder where Hanley picked up a bad habit.  He seems like such a model of strong work ethic.

Jair Jurrjens – 9 IP, 2 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks.  I don’t think it continues, but I have no problem riding Jar-Jar while he’s on a roll.

Billy Butler – 1-for-4 and a WTF (Warning Track Fly).  A Butler specialty.

Mike Leake – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks. Turnabout is fair play as the Brewers stole the victory.

Sergio Santos – It’s now back to back saves but this last 2 out save should go to Brent Lillibridge who made two outstanding plays in RF.  Lillibridge fields like he’s nailing Sergio Santos’ sister.  Juan Pierre fields like Thornton is nailing Juan’s sister.

Gavin Floyd – 8 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks vs. the Yankees.  If you had the balls (or lady stuff, for our three girl readers) to start him in The House They Built Next To The House That Ruth Built, you deserved this start.

Clay Buchholz – 6 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 14 baserunners as he tied his owners to the WHIPping post.  Now has a 5.33 ERA.  Good news, he should be better.  The bad news, not that much better.  The neither good or bad just what it is news, if you listened to me you don’t own him.  The okay news that needs to be said because it is really big news news, there is no okay news that needs to be said because it is really big news news.

Adam Lind – 3-for-5, 5 RBIs and 2 homers.  This is the kind of performance that makes me so hesitant to tell anyone to drop Carlos Pena too.  These guys just need three good days, and they have their counting stats.  Sure, it’ll be great to get this game from Lind without the previous 23 games of crizzap, but so it goes, so it goes.

Zach Britton – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Fantasy-wise, Britton should be owned.  Real world-wise, when do the castmates find out Zito used to do gay porn?

Phil Coke – 4 1/3 IP, 7 ER.  Hope everyone is now done experimenting with Coke.  Shizz is bad for your nasal passages.

Matt Cain – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Then David Lynch filmed Matt Cain’s post-game interview.

Carl Everett – Pulled a gun on his wife after she said she believed in dinosaurs and Darwin Barney was her favorite player.