Fantasy Baseball Advice

Cliff Lee aka The Adverb got through the Gnats like a subject and a predicate.  Pitches so sharp, Lee will cut your head off.  Selig is the commissioner.  You no wanna start Leezy, he is the Finisher.  Stop playin’, he do it like a King do.  Pitch!  Lee flow like scuba, pitch, Lee’s bold like Cuba and The Adverb blow right through ya!  Sorry, I kinda love that song and I’m not even a huge Lil’ Wayne fan.  (Note:  Rudy just read that and needs Chad Billingsley’s grandmother Barbara to help translate that jive like in Airplane) Any the hootie hoo!  For fantasy purposes, there’s not much to say.  The Adverb lit up the scoreboard… Brilliant Lee.  He’s a number one.  You knew that.  Moving on, snitches.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Aroldis Chapman – After first being reported here after inferring shizz from other news sources, Aroldis is being shutdown for a few days.  Doctors are saying he got Dustied.

Joe Mauer – Twins said that Mauer sat out because he’s sore.  See, Cuddyer was saying about some girl in the stands, “I’d like to see Mauer of that girl…..in my bed!” and it turned out to be Mauer’s sister, so Mauer got all sore.  Or maybe it’s worse because he went on the DL.  So what’s the over/under on the amount of games that Joe Mauer plays at catcher before he’s moved to 1B, 3B, or DH?  500 games?

Nick Markakis – 3 for 5, 3 RBIs, 2 runs, 1 HR.  You can’t start a fire without a Sparkakis!

Phil Hughes – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks.  I’m seeing people start to drop Hughes.  From someone who doesn’t like to overreact to early season woes/whoas, I can understand losing Hughes.

Jose Reyes – Had the always satisfying slam & legs on the first side of the doubleheader.  Nom nom nom.

Scott Hairston – 3-for-7, 3 RBIs and a HR playing both games.  I told Rudy he’s the best current Mets outfielder and he said that was the top five stupidest things I’ve ever said.  I think it was top six.

R.A. Dickey – 6 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 12 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Dickey sucks!  Hahahahahaha… That’s gold!!!  Oh, my God, breathe, Grey, breathe!  Okay.  I’m good.  So juvenile.  That joke is like Chinese food, I don’t even remember what I was laughing at ten seconds later.  Let me reread the beginning.  Oh, that’s right!  Hahahahahahaha…  That’s gold!!!

Brad Emaus – 1-for-5 along with two bobbles on potentially inning-ending double plays that cost the Mets about 6 runs.  Amazing how much he looks like Dan Uggla, only he’s not.  He’s a poor man’s Dan Uggla.  That poor man is Jeff Wilpon.

Jordan Zimmermann – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Looking like a genius telling everyone to draft him.  Not looking like a genius by telling most of you to bench him vs. the Phillies.  Back to square one on my quest to look smarter than I actually am.

Carl Pavano – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Terrific!  Spectacular!  Hyperbole!  The team he was facing has one hitter batting over .300 and his name is Sam Fuld.  Fuld the love of God!

Brandon Beachy – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 11 baserunners, 8 Ks.  I get the urge to want to drop him, but in most leagues I would hold him for another start or two.  He’s got good stuff, it’s a long season, yadda³.

Greg Reynolds – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 1 K.  Now back-to-back solid starts.  I’m gonna be honest with you, if he were Latin, I’d be all over this guy.  Change his name to Jorge Renaldo and you’d pick him up too.  Don’t lie, you mentirosa.

Jon Herrera – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs with a homer.  He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell.  He’s be on the right side, which is to say the left side.

Troy Tulowitzki – Hit his 6th and 7th homers yesterday.  Have some pierogies, you’ve earned them!

Bruce Chen - Now 2-0 after 8 innings of no earned run pitching on one strikeout.  It was against the Mariners.  Translating that against a real offense, that’s a 5.00 ERA, 2 HRs allowed, and -5 strikeouts.  If you stream pitchers, I’d just pick up anyone against the Mariners.  Pitching against them is like playing tetherball against a guy in a strait jacket.

Bud Norris – 6 shutout innings with 7 Ks against the Padres.  Pitching against the Padres offense is like playing tetherball against a girl in a strait jacket.

Jorge Posada - Tied the game in the 9th with a solo HR off Kevin Gregg.  All the man does is hit HRs.  7 hits on the year, 5 HRs.  If he’s going to do that and stay catcher eligible, he’s going to have to start paying royalties to Rod Barajas and Miguel Olivo.  Maybe he thinks DH stands for Designated Homerer.

Kyle Farnsworth - Happy days in Tampa as the Farns gets the sphinctory as Potsy (Johnny Damon) hit a 2-run walkoff to get the win.  Don’t worry.  The ‘jump the shark’ episode where Farnsy gives up backbreaking HRs will come soon enough.  But until then, SAGNOF!

Joe Nathan/Matt Capps - How do you play Loser’s Poker?  It’s something like this…..Nathan “I raise you 2 ER and a blown save.”.  Matt Capps, “I see your 2 ER + blown save and raise you a loss on a walkoff HR!”.

Jamey Carroll – Don Mattingly knows greatness from the leadoff position from his days with Rickey Henderson.  So it must be that much worse to have to pencil in Jamey Carroll as the leadoff hitter.  Carroll barely qualifies for a MLB utility role but he did managed to go 2-4 with 2 runs and a SB last night – not to mention recite a punchy obituary list of ex-Dodgers (Steve was sniffing coke since he was just a rookie….)

Matt Kemp – Slam and legs!  Now has 8 SBs and hitting well over .400.  Memo to SAGNOFs – skip Rihanna and go collect knowledge from Davey Lopes.

Brian McCann - A 3 run HR off Nolasco.  Hitting .340 with 9 RBIs, he’s one of the only expensive catchers (*cough* Mauer *cough*) who’s actually delivering.  Hopefully the Braves sign a pitcher named Watson so fans can hear Chip Caray say “Watson-McCann“.

Randy Wolf - 6 2/3 shutout innings with 10 Ks and only 5 base runners.  After a year and two starts of mediocre performance, I still think he’s a sheep underneath the uniform.

Phil Coke - 7-up, 7 shutout innings down against the A’s for his first win of the year and 2-for-2 in quality starts.  I’m starting to get an Orange Crush on him.

Matt Holliday – 3 for 5 with 2 runs and 3 RBIs.  LaRussa must’ve waxed on and off his appendix scar.

Huston Street – Blew a save.  Rockies are saying he was tired from the previous day.  I can agree to that.  Healthy and well-rested, Street’s solid.  Injured or unwell-rested and he’s not so good.  BTW, I wait until the last game finishes to write these roundups.  I really should move to Hawaii so I can do these roundups at a reasonable hour.  Maybe I’ll live with the Victorinos.  “Mmm, I love how you incorporated pineapple into this dish, Mrs. Victorino.”

In our 2011 fantasy baseball rankings, we’ve gone over so many flippin’ players I’ve lost track.  This is, I believe, the top 60 starters for 2011 fantasy baseball, but you’re best to check the title to be sure.   If it is indeed the top 60 starters, then you’re in luck.  Only a few more top 20 rankings posts.  What is it, February?  March?  Why don’t I have an app for this?  Or do I want a hashtag?  App ‘n Hashtag would be a good name for a 50s style diner with wifi.  As with the other rankings posts, tiers and my projections are mentioned.  Anyway, here’s the top 60 starters for 2011 fantasy baseball:

40. Jhoulys Chacin – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until de la Rosa.  I call this tier, “One of these guys is going to be my fourth fantasy starter.”  I already dazzled your retinas with a Jhoulys Chacin fantasy post.  Reading it is like the inside of your mouth right after you dump in a packet of Pop Rocks.  Go see for yourself.  2011 Projections:  12-8/3.60/1.24/180

41. Ian Kennedy – He ended up falling just below Daniel Hudson for a few reasons.  A) Hudson has more upside. B) Hudson’s less prone to gopher balls. C) There’s no C.  2011 Projections: 11-10/3.75/1.25/180

42. Johnny Cueto – Johnny Cueto sounds like an 80′s movie villain and he will kick you in the head if you get too close to him.  Believe that.  Hopefully, he doesn’t metaphorically kick you in the head with his ratios from time to time like he’s done in the past.  For instance, his 5+ ERA in April last year.  Also, I might be being stubborn here, but I think Cueto has an 8 K/9 in his arm like he showed in 2008 instead of the below 7 he threw the last two years.  It doesn’t hurt my optimism that he’s only going to be 25 in 2011.  2011 Projections:  12-8/3.65/1.26/160

43. Brandon Morrow – Are you an older man with ugly brown spots on your neck, face and hands?  Liver spots that make your grandkids cry?  Then read my Brandon Morrow sleeper post.  It won’t help your aging, but it might distract you.  2011 Projections:  12-9/3.80/1.38/195

44. Edwin Jackson – As with a lot of guys in this tier, Edwin also got a sleeper post.  Only his sleeper post hasn’t been posted yet.  You’ll get it later today.  Prepare your jowls for smiling.  2011 Projections:  13-10/3.80/1.30/190

45. Jonathan Sanchez – In a moment of honesty, I’m going to tell you a little secret.  We got lucky as crap last year with Filthy Sanchez.  I knew he was capable of a great strikeout season, but the 3.07 ERA against a 4.11 xFIP and a 1.23 WHIP against a 4.47 BB/9 was us cashing in a winning lottery ticket without even remembering buying one.  Assuming our luck goes south, Sanchez will still be great for Ks but don’t expect the same ratios.  2011 Projections:  12-11/3.90/1.33/200

46. Madison Bumgarner – Really not a bad crop of starters this year, prolly cause hitting is so atrocious.  The only thing that stopped Bumgarner from being in the top 40 starters was his innings last year.  I’m willing to overlook it at the draft while preparing myself mentally that I may need to drop him by August.  But that’s no big deal, that’s why guys like Brian Duensing are made to fill in at the end of the season.  2011 Projections:  12-7/3.60/1.25/140

47. Jorge de la Rosa – dlR is either going to get lucky in 2011, strikeout 200 and have a terrific ERA or, more likely, he’s going to have a 4-something ERA with solid Ks.  His Ks have me being overly optimistic, but as long as you know I’m being overly optimistic you shouldn’t be too disappointed.  2011 Projections:  11-9/3.80/1.30/175

48. Colby Lewis – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Wilson.  I call this tier, “I really don’t want a Ranger pitcher, but will consider them if they fall far enough.”  When Lewis returned from the Far East, I turned my nose up at him and told him to talk to the ‘stache.  Turned out, I was dead wrong about Colby last year.  He’s a survivor!  Lewis’ ERA was actually better at home last year than away, but I’m still pretty hesitant.  The potential 200 Ks could be the only thing making me draft him.  Oh, who are we kidding?  Of course that would be the reason.  2011 Projections:  15-9/3.85/1.22/200

49. C.J. Wilson – For those of you worried about the drastic jump in innings from 2009 to 2010, that concern is for younger pitchers and I’m not even sure we’ve proved beyond a reasonable doubt that it’s a concern for anyone, no matter the age.  I think Wilson might have to wait another year until I draft him though, as Dempster had to wait a few years before I felt he was safe.  2011 Projections:  12-6/3.95/1.28/165

50. Brett Myers – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Pelfrey.  I call this tier, “It’s been a few tiers since I’ve done a tier that I’m avoiding so here we are again.”  Last year Myers’ men left on base was high, his homers allowed per fly ball was low, his K-rate was whatever and he’s on the Astros.  If you grab Myers at a draft, you’re going to get beat up.  Not metaphorically.  2011 Projections:  8-10/4.20/1.30/160

51. Ervin Santana – He might surprise this year (read:  get lucky), but he’s now had two years in a row that have been so yawnstipating that I’m not touching him in any leagues this year.  2011 Projections:  13-10/4.30/1.32/150

52. Bronson Arroyo – Eh, I have nothing against Arroyo once the calendar strikes July, but I’m not messing with a pre-All-Star Break Arroyo.  2011 Projections:  15-9/4.00/1.22/115

53. John Lackey – I’ll draft Lackey again…. If he’s traded to the NL.  Until then, someone else can enjoy him on their team.  2011 Projections:  14-12/4.35/1.32/145

54. Carl Pavano – His placement in this tier was almost offset by his full-as-shizz mustache.  Unfortunately, his stats last year were full-of-shizz.  2011 Projections:  13-10/4.20/1.25/110

55. Jaime Garcia – I’m not only worried about his innings last year, but also about the FIP Gods throwing fire and brimstone at his ERA in 2011 for defying them last year.  2011 Projections:  9-10/4.15/1.35/130

56. Mike Pelfrey – The FIP Gods are wrathful and the 5 K/9 Gods are spiteful.  Together they’re like watching a marathon of Storage Wars.  Actually, that’s terrific, who am I kidding?  Why doesn’t Jarrod listen to Brandi?  2011 Projections:  12-10/4.30/1.35/105

57. John Danks – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Shields. I call this tier, “Not bad options, but I see no upside.”  Manages to put together very usable stretches of the season, but he’s only a 7 K/9 and 4.00 ERA pitcher.  Without luck, there’s no upside.  2011 Projections:  14-8/4.00/1.26/170

58. Carlos Zambrano – I might be the only one thinking this across all ‘perts and five continents, but I think Big Z can put together one more big season this year.  His big season is still only a 7 K/9 and just under a 4.00 ERA.  And you have to assume he’s going to miss at least 4 starts at some point for beating up an inanimate object.  2011 Projections:  14-9/3.85/1.35/155

59. James Shields – Shields’ K-rate was purty last year even as his luck was ugly.  Shields and I took a break last year, but could see giving him a go again this year.  He’s not a huge upside guy though.  Expect more than a 4.00 ERA and around a 7 K/9 and you’ll get burned.  2011 Projections:  12-8/3.95/1.30/170

60. Ricky Romero – This is a new tier.  This tier goes into the top 80 starters for 2011 fantasy baseball.  I call this tier, “Grey’s going upside your head.”  I felt people falling asleep towards the middle of that post and for that I apologize.  I needed to get some of those boring names out of the way.  Let’s count the ways we love Ricky Romero, shall we?  7 ways!  Okay, maybe I should count them out loud.  1) Will only be 26 years old.  2) Will be entering his third big league season, a time when pitchers tend to hit their stride.  3) His K-rate was 7 and half and can get better. 4) He cut his walks last year.  5) Golden rings.  6) Pitches in the AL East… Hmm… That’s not a positive.  7)  There was really only 4 reasons that I stretched out to 7.  2011 Projections:  13-6/3.65/1.30/180 (<–optimistic, but whatevs)

So, how’s everyone holding up without baseball every day?  I don’t know what to do with myself!  Yesterday, I wandered into a Starbucks and told the coffeerista about Carlos Gonzalez for 2011.  We’ve gone over the final 2010 fantasy baseball rankings for hitters and the top 20 starters.  There’s only one of these godforsaken recap posts left before we’re into 2011 fantasy shizz.  You’re welcome.  Anyway, here’s the top 40 starters for 2010 fantasy baseball and how they compare to where I originally ranked them:

21. Tim Lincecum – I told you he’d be ranked number one overall!  Only hadn’t anticipated the ’2′ in front of the ’1.’  As my Polish neighbor likes to say, “What can do?” Linecum was still putting the K in kd lang, but his WHIP was a flippin’ mess.  Freak out.  Preseason Rank #1, 2010 Projections:  18-5/2.70/1.00/250, Final Numbers:  16-10/3.43/1.27/231

22. Jonathan Sanchez – If you didn’t know I loved me some Filthy Sanchez going into 2010, you weren’t reading the site.  Preseason Rank #82, 2010 Projections:  14-7/3.75/1.38/200, Final Numbers:  13-9/3.07/1.23/205

23. Brett Myers – Member how I talked about foreseeing the top 20 starters pretty clearly?  Well, you don’t have to remember.  Take my word for it.  The top 40?  Not so much.  And if you think it was just me who didn’t see these starters performing as well as they did, think about how many of these guys were on your waivers at one time or another.  R.A. Dickey, for one, was owned in less than 50% of ESPN leagues the entire year.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  14-8/3.14/1.24/180

24. Johan Santana – I thought I sorted wrong when I saw Johan ranked this high.  He didn’t seem like a top 25 pitcher to me last year.  His K-rate dropped below 7 for the first time in his career and his ERA shows that he was very lucky to only give up as many runs that he did.  Then to put a vomit-flavored cherry on the sundae, his season ended with shoulder surgery.  The days of “Should I draft Johan with my 2nd pick?” are long behind us.  Preseason Rank #6, 2010 Projections:  18-7/3.15/1.18/200, Final Numbers:  11-9/2.98/1.18/144

25. C.J. Wilson – Had one of the more improbable seasons… If you’ve forgotten what Dempster did going from an okay reliever to a starter.  Someone needs to start the ‘Pat Neshek For Starter’ campaign.  Wilson’s IP jumped from 70+ to 200+, he gave up more than 4 walks per 9 IP and he threw his home starts in Arlington.  Maybe he stole Scott Feldman’s mojo.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  15-8/3.35/1.25/170

26. Ted Lilly – He was out with the an injured shoulder the first month of the season so I got cold feet.  Well, someone should’ve told me to wear my footy pajamas!  *burp*  Excuse me.  So Lilly’s proven for 3 straight seasons he’s about as reliable as they come.  Not exciting.  Reliable.  Preseason Rank #77, 2010 Projections:  10-6/3.85/1.10/100, Final Numbers:  10-12/3.62/1.08/166

27. Shaun Marcum – Returned from Tommy John surgery and showed Chastity Bono how to make post-op look good.  Usually when TJ survivors return they’re shook ones with little control.  Marcum only threw 43 BBs vs. 165 Ks.  As they say in Spanish Harlem, that’s muy bueno, papi.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  13-8/3.64/1.15/165

28. Tommy Hanson – C.J. Wilson, Dickey, Myers, etc. etc. etc. were great last year, doesn’t mean I’m going to love them going forward.  Every year there’s 20 or so starters that overperform.  Last year Feldman, Buehrle, Happ showed up in the top 40.  Didn’t make me shove them up the rankings for the following year.  I bring this up now because Hanson is a guy that should take a step forward next year.  Preseason Rank #29, 2010 Projections:  14-6/3.75/1.20/175, Final Numbers:  10-11/3.33/1.17/173

29. Colby Lewis – The low din of hype that followed Lewis back from The Land of the Rising Sun was on point.  His Ks were there and his walks weren’t terrible.  On a team that won 90 games, his under .500 record is puzzling and makes me think he might not be too overrated next year, especially since no one watched the postseason.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  12-13/3.72/1.19/196

30. Bronson Arroyo – I was one of the biggest proponents of trading for Arroyo around the All-Star break when he starts getting in his groove, but let’s be honest.  He’s ranked this high because of his Wins.  He gets 13 Wins instead of 17 and he’s nowhere on this list.  Preseason Rank #72, 2010 Projections:  12-8/4.25/1.34/140, Final Numbers:  17-10/3.88/1.15/121

31. Hiroki Kuroda – This guy seems to be perennially underrated.  I might have to shove a sleeper post down… Actually, Kuroda’s just so boring I can’t write a sleeper post about him, can I?  Preseason Rank #70, 2010 Projections:  9-6/3.65/1.24/100, Final Numbers:  11-13/3.39/1.16/159

32. Francisco Liriano – I didn’t rank Liriano but I did give him his own sleeper post.  Sounds a bit like crazy talk from a man who wears a potato sack and sings religious songs in Latin, but 2009 wasn’t kind to Liriano and it wasn’t until he rediscovered his velocity in winter ball did he get back on the fantasy map.  The final numbers are actually a bit sadder than the reality.  He was in the Cy Young race until his final few starts.  Preseason Unranked, 2010 Projections:  12-9/4.05/1.34/155, Final Numbers:  14-10/3.62/1.26/201

33. John Danks – I’m going to admit to being completely perplexed by Floyd and Danks.  One year one does seemingly better and one does seemingly worse according to their ERAs and FIPs.  Next year, that reverses.  Then reverses again.  Now I know why Ozzie’s crazy.  Preseason Rank #64, 2010 Projections:  12-7/4.15/1.30/155, Final Numbers:  15-11/3.72/1.22/162

34. Gio Gonzalez – The 2.56 ERA in Alameda makes him look like a straight homeschooler.  I’m not sure I disagree either.  His BBs are ugly, but he did lower them nearly a full one per nine.  He left a bunch of men on, which helped hide how detrimental the walks could’ve been.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  15-9/3.23/1.31/171

35. Carl Pavano – Here’s another guy that probably won’t be draftable next year, but turned in a good season thanks to Wins.  If you think he had a good season outside of Wins, look at his 117 Ks in 221 IP.  That’s pretty unmanly.  And that hurts me to say because we are brothers in ‘stache.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  17-11/3.75/1.19/117

36. Max Scherzer – The train completely derailed in the month of May, where he posted a 9.45 ERA.  Then he was reborn in the holy Toledo water and returned to post a 2.47 ERA after the All-Star break.  It was a reminder that he was once referred to by the name Jobacum because of his similarity to Joba and Lincecum, and that was when that was a big compliment.  Preseason Rank #31, 2010 Projections:  12-8/4.00/1.32/165, Final Numbers:  12-11/3.50/1.25/184

37. R.A. Dickey – The valuable lesson to take away from this top 40 is — you could’ve drafted Beckett, Baker and Lackey as your first three starters and there’s still plenty of pitchers to grab to replace them.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  11-9/2.84/1.19/104

38. Ryan Dempster – Wow, 208 Ks from Dempster.  Wow.  Due to getting batters to swing at pitches outside the strike zone at a 32.2% rate, he recorded his highest K-rate of his career at the age of 33.  The way he’s going, by the time he’s forty he’s going to win a Cy Young.  Preseason Rank #27, 2010 Projections:  13-8/3.90/1.28/170, Final Numbers:  15-12/3.85/1.32/208

39. Dan Haren – Overall, disappointing year for a top 10 pitcher going into the preseason, but it could’ve been much worse.  A notorious 1st half pitcher coupled with the switch of leagues sounds like a guy that got pulverized in the 2nd half.  Yeah, didn’t work out that way.  1st half ERA was 4.36.  2nd half was 3.34.  Preseason Rank #8, 2010 Projections:  16-10/3.30/1.15/200, Final Numbers:  12-12/3.91/1.27/216

40. Jaime Garcia – He went slightly over the amount of innings he should’ve thrown.  Like, oh, 125 2/3 IP too many.  I doubt La Russa would abuse a squirrel’s arm that egregiously.  Without knowing any advanced metrics or having a big brain like Brad, it’s pretty obvious from Garcia’s WHIP that he left a shizzload* of runners on base.  (*A shizzload is smaller than a crapton, but still larger than a shizzton.)  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  13-8/2.70/1.32/132

Alberto Callaspo was traded to the Angels.  Exactly what the Angels needed, a light hitting infielder.  Oh, wait, no they don’t.  Why’d they get Callaspo?  To get Mel Gibson to be interested in the team?  Oh, wait, that was Apocalypto.  Anyone see that movie?  I like the part where Mel’s like, “I will slap the taste out of your mouth, Pocohontas!  So help me, I will rip your neck off!  Even if I have to go through a number of metal rings.”  Callaspo will help the Angels more than he’ll help fantasy teams.  He is what he is.  Light power, decent average, next-to-no speed.  The Royals will go with Wilson Betemit at third base.  Why are they not going with Mike Moustakas or Alex Gordon?  Because for whatever reason the Royals are punishing them.  If you can figure out the peasant Royals, you get a cookie.  I actually like Betemit if he’s the everyday 3rd baseman.  He has 4 homers and a .377 average in 61 ABs this year.  As for “Of Maicer Men,” I think Callaspo is more Lennie than George.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

David DeJesus – Slammed into the outfield wall when DeJesus was turning a Jeter out into a homer.  He’s listed as day-to-day, which is trade deadline code for “Please still trade us someone for DeJesus, he’s really, really healthy.”  In reality, he’ll probably be out for a while.  So, while Betemit might replace Callaspo, here’s a chance for Gordon to see some daylight.  We’ll see now how much sense the Royals make.

Bobby Jenks – Ozzie announced that he wants Jenks in the closer role, but he might turn to Thornton, Putz or Santos.  Ozzie tweeted, “Fat puta eff up Top Chef Night. #GoAngelo!”  (Speaking of Top Chef, shouldn’t they just call Kenny “Chef?”)  If you have some inner knowledge on how Ozzie makes his decisions, feel free to share.  I don’t think even Ozzie knows which way he’s going to turn next.  My best guess is giving Jenks a few days rest then going back to him.  In the meantime, I’d grab Putz, Thornton and Santos, in that order.  (FWIW, Rudy thinks Thornton’s next in line.)  Who I feel bad for is Bobby Jenks.  Ozzie’s making his beard go prematurely gray.

Jimmy Rollins – 1-for-4 and now batting .227.  When he first returned, I warned you that his name value is more valuable than his actual value.

Cole Hamels – 8 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 7 Ks and has only given up one earned run in his last 22 2/3 innings.  Has a 3.40 ERA on the year with nearly a K per inning, i.e. 120 Ks in 127 innings. Good to see Hole Camels dig himself out after leaving April with a plus-5 ERA.

Tim Hudson – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks.  I’m going to try a new tactic.  Hudson will never regress.  He will continue to not strikeout anyone while rocking a sub-2.50 ERA.  In fact, he will win the Cy Young– Nay, they will rename it the Tim Hudson Award and he will win it every year.  Even after he retires.

Alex Gonzalez – 4-for-5 with a .370 average on the Braves but no homers.  Wait, did Yunel and Gonzalez just switch unis?  Aw, man, that’s the oldest trick in the book.

Edinson Volquez – 2 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Well, that 2nd start back could’ve went better.  After dominating the Rockies in his return from TJ surgery, seemed like a no-brainer to start him vs. the Nats.  I’m sure a lot of people are smarting from Volquez’s shellacking.  He’s too good of a pitcher to just drop again.  If you can’t afford the warts, I’d let him sit on your bench for the next start.  Another bad start from your bench, then you’ll need to make other plans.

Nyjer Morgan – 2-for-4 with 3 steals.  Keep in mind that he had a great 2nd half last year.

Scott Sizemore – 0-for-4 as he picked up right where he left off.  He gets a blurb in this afternoon’s lukewarm section of the Buy/Sell.  Stay tuned for tepidness!

Yovani Gallardo – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  As he’s been all year, Gallardo was solid again in his return from the DL.  His 127 Ks in 117 2/3 innings is a thing of beauty.  As I said in the preseason, “I bet I’ll be annoyed I don’t own him anywhere.”  Now I’m annoyed I didn’t put any money down on that bet.

Mike Napoli – 2-for-4 with his 18th homer.  Yup.

Jorge de la Rosa – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks.  This start is a good example why you shouldn’t drop Volquez.  What, you already did?  Oh, well.

Ian Stewart – 4th homer in his last ten games.  May not have been the crazy breakout I was hoping for in the preseason, but, at 2nd base, 13 homers and 5 steals with good Runs and RBIs isn’t really that bad.  Not to mention, he could still get very hot.  In like a lamb, out like a Mini-Mini Donkey.

Delmon Young – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs.  I’m preparing you now.  2011 is going to be the year of Delmon Young.

Carl Pavano – 9 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  This is but a theory.  Last offseason, Pavano studied a controversial branch of biomechanical engineering and built a brainwashing machine out of a regular old washing machine.  The brainwashing machine shot out gamma rays, while it cleaned Pavano’s shorts, and brainwashed the entire world into thinking Pavano is actually pitching when in fact it’s Slowey.  Then when Pavano actually pitches, everyone thinks it’s Slowey.  Merely a theory.  I could be wrong.

Kevin Youkilis – This has nothing to do with fantasy (like my crazy person rant on Pavano did), but you enjoy this site now.  You’re welcome.

Andres Torres – Hit his 9th homer yesterday to go along with his 17 steals.  There might be some 8 team leagues where he’s not necessary, but he really should be owned everywhere.

Ryan Doumit – The oft-injured catcher finally lived up to the ‘oft’ and heads to the DL with a concussion.  Doumit has a history of concussions (in some circles that’s considered clumsy) so Doumit may be shelved for a while.

Jose Tabata – 1-for-4 with his tenth stolen base.  You know why it’s fitting Jose Tabata got traded to Pittsburgh?  He was already a fan of the Stealers.

Hong-Chih Kuo – Got the save yesterday since Broxton has been overused, even if that never stopped Torre before.  Actually, nothing’s ever stopped Torre except a good opportunity to pick his nose on national TV.  Though there’s no official changing of the guard in LA, I would grab Kuo if you have room just in case Broxton continues to be shaky.

Hiroki Kuroda – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  He goes through stretches where he’s tough to own, but his career ERA is under 4 and he’s at 3.48 now.  Doesn’t hurt you on WHIP or Ks either.  Always one of the more underrated starters.

Josh Johnson – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 11 Ks, now has a 1.61 ERA on the year.  Ubaldo who?

Chris Coghlan – 1-for-3 with a steal.  First Coghlan is ice cold, then hot, then ice cold again.  If Coghlan’s Law holds up, he’ll be cruising for another hot streak in no time.  Then banging Gina Gershon and Kelly Lynch at the same time.

Jake Peavy was walking off the field before the trainers even got to him.  On a scale of bad signs, that’s around a 9.  That’s on a scale of 1 to 8.  The good news is it’s not his arm.  It’s his dorsi muscle.  Peavy’s a dolphin?  Put down your noisemakers, it’s not that good of news.  To paraphrase Ludacris, “Peavy back bad, Peavy not good… Peavy back don’t do stuff that yo’ back do… (Repeat chorus 17 times.)”  Daniel Hudson, rocking a 3.47 ERA in a hitters’ park in the minors, could get the call if Peavy needs a DL stint.  You know that guy you see when you search for Tim Hudson on the waiver wire?  That’s him!  He has more than a K/IP in the minors, though his control is iffy at times.  He’s worth a pick up in AL-Only or deep mixed keeper leagues.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Aaron Harang – Headed to the DL with back spasms.  Dusty said, “If he dies, he dies,” while wrapped in a Reds flag.

Yovani Gallardo – To the DL with an oblique strain.  Won’t be back until the end of the month as YoGa tries to get stretched out.  Namaste.

Brad Penny – I faintly remember him pitching this year.  He was good, wasn’t he?  He was shut down during a simulated game, experiencing more soreness.  Can’t Dave Duncan rub his hands together and touch the pain?

Felipe Lopez – 2-for-5 with a homer as he hits near .450 in the last week.  Or “For Fiddy,” if you’re sending a care package to the G-Unit.

Ryan Franklin – 1/3 IP, 6 ER.  Ouch… Wait, what?  Oh.  Ow.

Edwin Encarnacion – 3-for-4 with a homer.  All he does is hit (when he’s first called up then disappears into oblivion).

Delmon Young – 3-for-3.  Now hitting over .400 in July after a .320 June.  Know what would be nice?  If he were batting higher than 8th.

Carl Pavano – 6 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks.  That, sir, is no line from a man with a mustache.  Shave immediately!

Joe Mauer – 1-for-4 with his 4th homer.  His homer totals from 2005 to 2009 were:  9, 13, 7, 9, 28.  Does one number look off?  Yeah, well how come you didn’t listen when February Grey told you that?

Clayton Richard – 6 IP, 5 ER, 13 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Thursday’s afternoon post was going to be about how Clay-T Richard, along with a bunch of other SPs, were pitching over their head.  Consider this a preview.

Mat Latos – Here’s Bud Black for the last three months.  Latos won’t be limited, won’t be limited, won’t be limited, then yesterday he said he’d probably be limited.

Ryan Zimmerman – 3-for-4 with 2 homers after he took the better part of June off.  I missed your touch, Black Keys.

Jayson Nix – Hit his 4th homer in the last four games.  If you’re struggling to catch a spark at MI, I’d grab Nix and ride the heat.

Johan Santana – 9 IP, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks and a homer.  This year Johan has one homer every 30 ABs.  Jason Bay has a homer every 50 ABs.  Cust kayin’.

Jose Reyes – 2-for-4 as he returned to action.  He was running hard, not favoring any side (back?) pain.

Matt Diaz – 3-for-5.  It’s Dye-as.  Lefty killer.  Anyone who’s read this site for a long time knows that I’ve always liked Diaz as a platoon outfielder. (Play him against his strong side, sit vs. weak side.  Rinse, repeat.)

Wandy Rodriguez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks.  For a while, it was touch and go while it looked like Brian Moehler was ghost riding the Wandwagon, but now it looks like he’s back.

Carlos Lee – Hit a homer yesterday along with Lance Berkman.  Must’ve been throwback night at The Juicebox.  Did Jeff Bagwell throw out the first pitch underhanded because of a hurt shoulder?

Jeff Niemann – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  He shouldn’t be pitching this well.  If you’ve heard that before, it’s because I’ve written it before.

Kosuke Fukudome – Hit his 2nd homer in 2 games.  Here’s what I wrote yesterday, “…he gets crazy hot for a week or two at a time.”  And that’s me copying and pasting me!

Aramis Ramirez – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and 2 homers.  Too bad anyone in their right mind has either dropped or benched him by now.

Aaron Heilman – 1 IP, 2 ER.  I’d say Kazaam!, but Kirk Gibson went into a press conference the other day fist pumping and said, “I have no idea who the closer is.  Maybe it’s Qualls, maybe it’s that lady in the front row of all the games that had me sign her breast.  These things haven’t been decided yet.”  I think Qualls gets first look, then Front Row Lady.

Alex Rodriguez – 2-for-3 with 2 homers.  On pace for 120 RBIs, less than 30 homers and like no steals.  Feels like he still hasn’t had one crazy hot streak, so he can easily bump up his numbers to 35 homers and 10 steals.  In other words, same shizz, different year.

Jose Guillen – Left the game with an injury, probably will head to the DL.  Maybe the Royals can now trade him for Mike Jacobs.

Wilson Betemit – 3-for-4 and his 4th homer in 19 games.  The Royals are playing him, as they should.  You should consider it too.

Jhoulys Chacin – 3 IP, 4 ER in middle relief as he makes room for de la Rosa, who’s due back this Friday.  In NL-Only leagues and deep keepers, I’d hold Yo-lease with his nasty K/9.

Chris Iannetta – Now has 3 homers in his last six games.  Unfortunately, those six games are separated by 11 days.  From the files of Sad, But True:  Iannetta has only one less homer than Wieters.

Seth Smith – 3-for-4 with his 12th homer.  Putting together a nice year as long as you sit him vs. lefties.  Ooh, I know!  Trade Matt Diaz to the Rockies and let him platoon with Smith.

Vicente Padilla – After a typical start, after a 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 Ks start.

Matt Kemp – 2-for-5 with a home run and two steals.  Or as it’s more commonly known, a slam & legs.

Alex Rios – 1-for-3 with a home run.  I told you to sell him at the very end of May.  In June, 2 homers and 5 steals with a .297 average.  In July, 1 homer and 1 steal with a .176 average.  So 3 homers and 6 steals with a .280 average.  I think we can agree there’s guys with less name value giving you the same.

Madison Bumgarner – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. the Brewers who have only scored three runs in the last three games.  Mad-Bum’s pitching better than I thought he would.  I’d absolutely grab him in mixed leagues, but you run the risk of getting roofied at any point.

Miguel Cabrera – Hit his 21st homer as he took a late hit off The Sauce.  Alfredo, that is.

Armando Galarraga – Sent to the minors.  I wonder if he’ll drive his Corvette.

Felix Pie – 2-for-6 in his return to the lineup.  So what’s to like about Pie?  Well, the weird guy in the overalls at The Home Depot is not the only one who’s toolsy.  Pie is a speed and power combo guy.  He’s just not quite that powerful or that, um, speedful.  In AL-Only and deep mixed leagues, I’d take a flyer.

Chris Tillman – Should replace the DL’d Millwood.  Tillman started 4 games earlier this year and gave up 14 earned runs in 15 innings with his worst start coming in San Fran.  I wouldn’t pick up Tillman with your team.

Nick Markakis – 5 HRs, 2 SBs on the year.  Evidently, he’s a hypochondriakakis and gleaned from Luke Scott and Brian Roberts that hitting HRs and stealing bases leads to injuries.

Kevin Youkilis – Left the game with ankle pain after clearing the plate with his foot.  The last Red Sox that got hurt clearing the plate was Sam Horn who pulled his abdomen partaking in a pie-eating contest.