Fantasy Baseball Advice

On the first day of the season, I said something profound and uplifting.  Don’t go back to look.  I’m sure I did.  Today, I’m like Mark Twain talking about summer in San Francisco but less pithy.  The coldest winter I ever spent was the last day of the baseball season.  It’s metaphorical, friend.  Trust me.  Here’s where I tell you how everything’s gonna be okay.  How there will be a next season, barring the Mayans taking things into their own hands… I can’t do that.  I can’t tell you there will be a next season.  *checking notes*  Actually, I can do that.  There will be a next season.  Hey, that’s good news!  Also, next year we’ll know not to draft Morneau.  That’s more good news!  And next year we’ll be done with the hair transplant so girls will start to react favorably to us.  That’s good news too!  So, I know you’re blue, but without clouds there’s no sun.  Actually, I don’t know if that’s true.  Again, metaphorical.  Or is that meteorological?  You know what?  These aren’t things we need to get hung up on.  We’re gonna sit here, read all my year-end recaps that’ll be coming in the next few weeks and wait until next year.  Even if gangrene sets into our legs from lack of circulation!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jose Reyes – Laid down a bunt single then had himself removed from the game to guarantee he won the batting title.  That’s not how Ted Williams would’ve liked it.  He risked a .400 average to take all his ABs in the last game of the season.  The only time he quit while ahead was after death.

Miguel Batista – 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks.  After the Mets-Reds game, Batista learned that this great start was all a hilarious stunt for a new show on MLB.TV called “Last Wish” starring the incomparable Steve “Psycho” Lyons.  Gotcha, Miguel!  Stay tuned for Sean Casey’s talk show ‘The Mayor’ where guests come out and chat while standing on 1st base.

Cubs – Reached out to Tampa Bay’s Andrew Friedman to take over their vacant GM job.  Unfortunately, Bartman deflected Friedman and the Cubs couldn’t make the catch.  Moises so mad!

Gordon Beckham – 2-for-4 and his 10th homer.  I told you he’d be a sleeper this year!  Deep, effin’ REM sleeper.  I hate this schmohawk.  I’d like to write Beckham’s blurb with cut-out magazine letters from the basement of an undisclosed location.

Brandon Morrow – 6 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Now here’s an underperforming sleeper I can get behind (every year and every year he fails to live up to expectations).

Hector Sanchez – 1-for-4.  How many Sanchezes does this team have?  Jonathan, Freddy, this other guy… Does Sabean think Sanchez translates to 35-year-old player?  Call them Tres Sanchezes and they play just outside Creme de Carmel, California.  BTW, with the addition of Hector, Sanchez just edged out Sandoval as the surname with the highest net weight in the Giants clubhouse.

Phil Humber – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Wasn’t in love with his K-rate this year and I’m not convinced it’s ever gonna nudge above 7.  Though he can maintain around a 3.75 ERA next year. #Humberbrag

Craig Kimbrel – 2/3 IP, 1 ER as he blew the save and the Braves playoff chances.  What a Wohlers.

Carl Pavano – 9 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks as he beat the Royals’ Bruce Chen who went 8 IP, 0 ER.  There was no actual runs in this game.  Mercy rule was called so these two teams could return home to people who care about them.

Mike Napoli – 2-for-3 and 2 more homers against Scioscia and the Angels to bring his season total to 30 homers.  Me, Napoli and his mom’s nipples have made it to the mountain top!  And it’s chilly!  Which is perfect weather.  So we have to snuggle.

Dan Johnson – Hit a huge homer for the Rays to tie up the game in the ninth.  How is Johnson even playing?  He was Pipp’d by Monoboy.  What a great day for baseball.  Speaking of which…

Evan Longoria – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs, 2 homers with one being the walk off winner that took the Rays to the postseason.  Hopefully now Longoria can forget about finding out who Tony Parker was sleeping with.

Mark Teixeira – 2 homers, 5 RBIs and… Oh, who cares?  Did you see the Rays, Braves and Red Sox games?

Cole Gillespie – Homered in the heat of the ninth.

Eric Young Jr. – 2-for-5 with his 27th steal.  I know I’m a damn fool for Young, but bear with me.  Or bare, if you’re a naturist.  He had 41 singles this year and 26 walks.  That means he was on first roughly 67 times (I say roughly because if he legged out a single and then there was an error, he’d end up on second, I’m not looking into shizz that closely).  So imagine he played in 155 games and got on first 150 times.  He’d have like a thousand steals.  Or 50+.  Either way, please let someone free Eric Young Jr. from platoon duty.  He’s got a family to feed!

Chris Carpenter – 9 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 11 Ks.  Sure, it was against the Astros B lineup… Wait a second, that’s not their B lineup.  Aw, Shuck.

Gio Gonzalez – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks vs. the Mariners which is worse than the Astros B lineup.

Milton Bradley – Was arrested yesterday on suspicion of battery.  No word yet on Milton Bradley’s accomplices, but I’m sure the Parker brothers will be brought in for questioning.

Stephen Strasburg – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 10 Ks.  The Nationals season is like getting a massage at a shady parlor.  Awkward, messy, but at least you get a happy ending.

This is it, fellas and three girl readers. The last train is leaving the station. The giddy has just about got up and went. It’s your last chance and I’d throw every single pitcher, not just the ones I have listed here if it meant the difference in my league. You need to do what you do. The line for last week was 5.02 ERA, 1.66 WHIP, 57 Ks and 5 Wins in 77 IP.  Um, that’s hideous.  If I were to remove Eveland, Huff and Lincoln, ERA would drop to 3.52.  So most the damage was done by three guys.  Still, blech.  Let’s see if I can avoid recommending Lincoln for a third week!  To recap, these aren’t guys I’d drop anyone worthwhile to get, these starters are meant for streaming purposes and all of their ownership in ESPN is under 50%. These streamers are in no particular order. Also, in the final days of the season, managers juggle their lineups more, so there’s no guarantee all of these guys are listed on the right day. Anyway, here’s some borderline starters for this week in fantasy baseball:

Friday, September 23rd

Carl Pavano – Against the Indians this year, he’s been a Pava…yes.  See what I did there?  Spectacular!

Rick Porcello – The deal right now, in these last few days of September, is go big or go home or don’t go big and don’t go home.  In other words, you have to decide if you need to start a whole mess of guys to try and win, or if you can coast like the Phils.  Don’t fully trust Porcello but he’s better than some other schmohawks.

R.A. Dickey – He hasn’t been bad in two months and he gets the playoff-bound Phils.  I do tend to shy away from knuckleballers with Dickey being one.  (Must’ve been so hard for him growing up with a name like Dickey and being a knuckleballer.  I imagine it’s hard for anyone under the age of 45 to be a knuckleballer.  Knuckleballers don’t exactly pull the girls.  Or maybe they don’t pull girls so that’s why they become knuckleballers.  Deep thoughts with Grey Albright.)

Brett Myers – I nearly put Drew Pomenranz here too (his opponent).  One million ways to stream, choose one.

Aaron Harang – A few pitchers I liked for today were left off because they were just above 50% owned.  Basically, every pitcher on this Friday is a good spot start.

Saturday, September 24th

Cory Luebke – As good as Friday was for spot starters, Saturday’s that bad.  For full disclosure, I nearly suggested Jerome Williams, but then I thought about Jerome Williams and I decided nah.  Not a capital nah or a no way, just a small quiet nah.

Sunday, September 25th

Mike Minor – Not great matchups today either.  I mean, there’s some good pitchers going but they’re owned in more than 50% of leagues.  Minor’s at least good for some Ks.  BTW, this start could change if the Braves have already clinched.  Then Detwiler’s start vs them wouldn’t look as bad.

Edwin Jackson – Gave me a pretty lousy start last time he appeared in the borderline starter post (5 IP, 5 ER), but I’m a glutton for punishment.  Not gluten, gross.

Monday, September 26th

Randall Delgado – Will be a bit dependent on where the Braves are in the playoff race, but whether they’re in it or out of it, they’re going against the Phils who have packed it up.

Randy Wells – Only because he goes against the Padres in Petco.  On a related note, what are the Cubs doing in San Diego at the end of the season?  I can only imagine how well this would’ve went down if the Cubs were in the playoff chase… Okay, as hard as that is to imagine.

Brandon McCarthy – He’s only listed here because he was under 50% owned when I wrote this up.  I imagine by Monday he won’t be under 50% anymore.  He might not even be by today.

Jason Vargas – Him and McCarthy go against each other.  I don’t stream two pitchers in the same game, but chances are McCarthy will be gone and Vargas could throw a decent game, as well.

Tuesday, September 27th

Jeanmar Gomez – Sounds like a Swedish Latino, doesn’t he?  Swexicano?  Not the greatest of matchups with Gomez going against the Tigers if it wasn’t for the fact the Tigers will be resting for the playoffs.

Wednesday, September 28th

R.A. Dickey – Look at me, double dipping on Dickey this week.  That’s what she said!  Though I’m not sure why she would say that.  It’s not like it would reflect well on her.

Eric Surkamp – Unlike previous years, the Rockies folded up their blankets and checked out in August.  If Surkamp’s gone, I’d look at his opponent, Pomeranz, simply because the Giants aren’t that good.

Brett Myers – The last day of the season is actually a great day to stream pitchers.  Hitters take the last day off, managers bring in Triple-A hitters just to give them a chance to play, people check out, basically.

Brad Peacock – Thankfully, he’s not facing Dickey on the last day of the season because then my head would’ve exploded.  The one on my shoulders.

Welcome to week 12, please wipe your feet before you enter. For most leagues this week is the halfway point. Peripheral stats are darn near impossible to make up this late in the season, but the impossible is what fuels fantasy fires. Not the ones started by Drew Barrymore though. So if you’re in a keeper league now may be the perfect time to use strategy and build for tomorrow. Grab guys that may be expensive now but even more expensive next year. The best thing about fantasy is that there will usually be a next year, and what’s wrong with winning next year. Nothing! Sorry if I yelled that too loud. So follow me as we explore this weeks low end pitching options for fantasy baseball, enjoy. (Please keep in mind that match-ups and pitchers may change.)

ONE START OPTIONS:

6/22
Nick Blackburn @Sf – Vogelsong
Joel Pineiro @ Fla – Hand
John Lanna vs. Sea – Bedard

6/23
Chris Capuano vs. Oak – Godfrey
Felipe Paulino vs. Ari – Hudson
Jason Marquis vs. Sea – Pineda

6/24
Carlos Carrasco @SF – Sanchez
Matt Harrison @NYM – Pelfrey
Tim Stauffer vs. Atl – Lowe

Carl Pavano (@SF vs. Bumgarner, @Mil vs. Narveson) Typical Snidely Whiplash. Throws a couple decent games in a row to gain our trust and then goes all Waco on your weekly peripherals. K’s are yuck and away ERA is double yuck.

Ivan Nova (@Cin vs. Cueto, Col vs. Nicasio) Still plays for the yanks, so he has that going for him. Road Era is a run lower. K/BB rate is muy mal. Revert back to first sentence for positive news.

Livan Hernandez (Sea vs. Fister, @CHW vs. Floyd) Comes off a complete game gem against the Cards. Home ERA is under a deuce. Recent quote from Jamie Moyer, “Man, he throws hard.”

Jeff Niemann (@Mil vs. Narveson, @Hou vs. Happ) Hopefully grandma’s ouchie cream and a popsicle made him feel better. Still a bottom of the rotation guy with minimal K potential.

Josh Outman (@NYM vs. Gee, @Phi vs. ?) Thanks to Cahill for falling on the grenade last week and moving up a day. Josh makes consecutive fantasy posts for the first time in….sorry had to look it up…forever.

Doug Fister (@Was vs. Hernandez, Fla vs. Sanchez) Pitching decent and falls into the Paul Maholm category of pitchers with mid 3 ERA’s with losing records. ERA half run better at home.

Charlie Morton (Bal vs. Arrieta, Bos vs. Beckett) Every time he pitches twice in a week I give him a new nickname, this week it’s “Pre Med.” Looks like Halladay without the degree. Still struggles against LH.

Derek Holland (Hou vs. Happ, NYM vs. Gee) xFIP of a run less than his ERA. Seems to be on a two good, one bad stretch. Home ERA isn’t very friendly. K-rate makes it a little more tolerable.

Chris Narveson (TB vs. Niemann, Min vs. Pavano) Discussed him before and he is just frustrating. Cruises through 4 innings than walks a couple and boom goes the dynamite. xFIP lower by a run. Decent K’s, good lineup, just pukes up too many leads.

Joe Saunders (@KC vs. Hochevar, @Det vs. Penny) Zona scores some runs, better ERA on the road and decent match-ups. Sounds like a delicious recipe for a buy low weekly add to me.

This week offers some slim and very unattractive pickings for low end two start options. Although I guess we should take anything considering the world was supposed to end today. There seems to be a lot of either already owned pitchers or a lot of guys that you may have dropped two or three times going twice this week. So it’s a “pick your fights wisely” week as far as I am concerned. On a side note, has anyone noticed that the hitting this year is atrocious? Yeah, well, if no one raised their hand than you need to go look at some team batting stats league wide. It’s pretty bad. Maybe we reverted back to 1968 and the year of the “new” pitcher is here. Good luck on this week’s fantasy endeavors. (Please keep in mind that pitchers and match-ups change.)

ONE START OPTIONS:

5/24
Doug Fister @ Min – Blackburn
Chris Narveson vs. Was – Hernandez

5/25
Dillon Gee @ CHC – Coleman
Freddy Garcia vs. Tor – Reyes
Luke Hochevar @ Bal – Bergesen

5/26
Doug Davis vs. Nym – Dickey
Joel Pineiro vs. Oak – Anderson

5/27
Jon Garland vs. Fla – Vasquez
Scott Baker vs. Ana – Chatwood

TWO START OPTIONS:

Bartolo Colon ( Tor vs. Litsch, @Sea vs. Vargas) Has the lowest xFIP of any AL pitcher. The thing that boggles the mind is that he has a tiny SwStr% but his K/9 is almost 8.5. The joys of modern Dominican medicine I guess.

Jason Vargas (@Min vs. Pavano, NYY vs. Colon) If he played for a better team, he would be owned universally. Decent K numbers compared to career norms. Allowed 1 ER in last 24 innings.

Jonathon Niese (@CHC vs. Dempster, Phi vs. Blanton) Coming off a strong outing versus the Nats. Seems like he pitches just well enough to win or lose every time out. Is already 0-2 against the Phils on the year.

Danny Duffy (@Bal vs. Britton, @Tex vs. Ogando) Seen a lot of his minor starts via video, and control is going to be his downfall, as we witnessed in first start. Good mix of 3 pitches. Upside for me is a number 3 starter.

Carl Pavano (Sea vs. Vargas, Ana vs. Haren) My Yankee fandom won’t allow me to write anything good about him. Best I can come up with is he allowed only 1 earned run in last two starts…way to go Carl.

Tom Gorzellany (@Mil vs. Gallardo, SD vs. Moseley) Has a .214 batting average against. Seems to be pitching way over his head, and let’s not forget this is Tom Gorzellany. So that wasn’t very high to begin with.

Phil Coke (TB vs. Hellickson, Bos vs. Buchholz) The “Dispenser” gets lit up at home, posting an ERA above a touchdown. TB best hitters struggle against LH pitching, Boston kills mediocre pitching.

Josh Collmenter (@Col vs. De La Rosa, @Hou vs. Norris) More wishful thinking by me than anything else. First start is part of DH, Sunday start is either his or Saunders. 0 ER in 12 innings as SP, I’m kind of intrigued, wanna see what the kids got.

Cliff Lee aka The Adverb got through the Gnats like a subject and a predicate.  Pitches so sharp, Lee will cut your head off.  Selig is the commissioner.  You no wanna start Leezy, he is the Finisher.  Stop playin’, he do it like a King do.  Pitch!  Lee flow like scuba, pitch, Lee’s bold like Cuba and The Adverb blow right through ya!  Sorry, I kinda love that song and I’m not even a huge Lil’ Wayne fan.  (Note:  Rudy just read that and needs Chad Billingsley’s grandmother Barbara to help translate that jive like in Airplane) Any the hootie hoo!  For fantasy purposes, there’s not much to say.  The Adverb lit up the scoreboard… Brilliant Lee.  He’s a number one.  You knew that.  Moving on, snitches.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Aroldis Chapman – After first being reported here after inferring shizz from other news sources, Aroldis is being shutdown for a few days.  Doctors are saying he got Dustied.

Joe Mauer – Twins said that Mauer sat out because he’s sore.  See, Cuddyer was saying about some girl in the stands, “I’d like to see Mauer of that girl…..in my bed!” and it turned out to be Mauer’s sister, so Mauer got all sore.  Or maybe it’s worse because he went on the DL.  So what’s the over/under on the amount of games that Joe Mauer plays at catcher before he’s moved to 1B, 3B, or DH?  500 games?

Nick Markakis – 3 for 5, 3 RBIs, 2 runs, 1 HR.  You can’t start a fire without a Sparkakis!

Phil Hughes – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks.  I’m seeing people start to drop Hughes.  From someone who doesn’t like to overreact to early season woes/whoas, I can understand losing Hughes.

Jose Reyes – Had the always satisfying slam & legs on the first side of the doubleheader.  Nom nom nom.

Scott Hairston – 3-for-7, 3 RBIs and a HR playing both games.  I told Rudy he’s the best current Mets outfielder and he said that was the top five stupidest things I’ve ever said.  I think it was top six.

R.A. Dickey – 6 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 12 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Dickey sucks!  Hahahahahaha… That’s gold!!!  Oh, my God, breathe, Grey, breathe!  Okay.  I’m good.  So juvenile.  That joke is like Chinese food, I don’t even remember what I was laughing at ten seconds later.  Let me reread the beginning.  Oh, that’s right!  Hahahahahahaha…  That’s gold!!!

Brad Emaus – 1-for-5 along with two bobbles on potentially inning-ending double plays that cost the Mets about 6 runs.  Amazing how much he looks like Dan Uggla, only he’s not.  He’s a poor man’s Dan Uggla.  That poor man is Jeff Wilpon.

Jordan Zimmermann – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Looking like a genius telling everyone to draft him.  Not looking like a genius by telling most of you to bench him vs. the Phillies.  Back to square one on my quest to look smarter than I actually am.

Carl Pavano – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Terrific!  Spectacular!  Hyperbole!  The team he was facing has one hitter batting over .300 and his name is Sam Fuld.  Fuld the love of God!

Brandon Beachy – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 11 baserunners, 8 Ks.  I get the urge to want to drop him, but in most leagues I would hold him for another start or two.  He’s got good stuff, it’s a long season, yadda³.

Greg Reynolds – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 1 K.  Now back-to-back solid starts.  I’m gonna be honest with you, if he were Latin, I’d be all over this guy.  Change his name to Jorge Renaldo and you’d pick him up too.  Don’t lie, you mentirosa.

Jon Herrera – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs with a homer.  He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell.  He’s be on the right side, which is to say the left side.

Troy Tulowitzki – Hit his 6th and 7th homers yesterday.  Have some pierogies, you’ve earned them!

Bruce Chen - Now 2-0 after 8 innings of no earned run pitching on one strikeout.  It was against the Mariners.  Translating that against a real offense, that’s a 5.00 ERA, 2 HRs allowed, and -5 strikeouts.  If you stream pitchers, I’d just pick up anyone against the Mariners.  Pitching against them is like playing tetherball against a guy in a strait jacket.

Bud Norris – 6 shutout innings with 7 Ks against the Padres.  Pitching against the Padres offense is like playing tetherball against a girl in a strait jacket.

Jorge Posada - Tied the game in the 9th with a solo HR off Kevin Gregg.  All the man does is hit HRs.  7 hits on the year, 5 HRs.  If he’s going to do that and stay catcher eligible, he’s going to have to start paying royalties to Rod Barajas and Miguel Olivo.  Maybe he thinks DH stands for Designated Homerer.

Kyle Farnsworth - Happy days in Tampa as the Farns gets the sphinctory as Potsy (Johnny Damon) hit a 2-run walkoff to get the win.  Don’t worry.  The ‘jump the shark’ episode where Farnsy gives up backbreaking HRs will come soon enough.  But until then, SAGNOF!

Joe Nathan/Matt Capps - How do you play Loser’s Poker?  It’s something like this…..Nathan “I raise you 2 ER and a blown save.”.  Matt Capps, “I see your 2 ER + blown save and raise you a loss on a walkoff HR!”.

Jamey Carroll – Don Mattingly knows greatness from the leadoff position from his days with Rickey Henderson.  So it must be that much worse to have to pencil in Jamey Carroll as the leadoff hitter.  Carroll barely qualifies for a MLB utility role but he did managed to go 2-4 with 2 runs and a SB last night – not to mention recite a punchy obituary list of ex-Dodgers (Steve was sniffing coke since he was just a rookie….)

Matt Kemp – Slam and legs!  Now has 8 SBs and hitting well over .400.  Memo to SAGNOFs – skip Rihanna and go collect knowledge from Davey Lopes.

Brian McCann - A 3 run HR off Nolasco.  Hitting .340 with 9 RBIs, he’s one of the only expensive catchers (*cough* Mauer *cough*) who’s actually delivering.  Hopefully the Braves sign a pitcher named Watson so fans can hear Chip Caray say “Watson-McCann“.

Randy Wolf - 6 2/3 shutout innings with 10 Ks and only 5 base runners.  After a year and two starts of mediocre performance, I still think he’s a sheep underneath the uniform.

Phil Coke - 7-up, 7 shutout innings down against the A’s for his first win of the year and 2-for-2 in quality starts.  I’m starting to get an Orange Crush on him.

Matt Holliday – 3 for 5 with 2 runs and 3 RBIs.  LaRussa must’ve waxed on and off his appendix scar.

Huston Street – Blew a save.  Rockies are saying he was tired from the previous day.  I can agree to that.  Healthy and well-rested, Street’s solid.  Injured or unwell-rested and he’s not so good.  BTW, I wait until the last game finishes to write these roundups.  I really should move to Hawaii so I can do these roundups at a reasonable hour.  Maybe I’ll live with the Victorinos.  “Mmm, I love how you incorporated pineapple into this dish, Mrs. Victorino.”