Fantasy Baseball Advice

When Ike Davis told reporters,”Gag me with a spoon,” red flags were raised.  Why was he talking like he grew up in Reseda?  It wasn’t the dreaded Valley Fever, was it?  Like, oh my god, it might be.  Valley Fever, from what I gathered from Google, WebMD and other non-reliable sources, could knock Davis out a week, two weeks, a month, a year or for his career.  Yes, there’s a lot of space between best and worst case scenario.  Maybe you remember Conor Jackson got Valley Fever and pulled a Kotchman for a year.  The kicker for me is the Mets trainers scare the shizz out of me.  They once diagnosed Casey Stengel with the flu and he had been dead for seven years.  Right now, the Mets are saying it shouldn’t be more than a week for Ike.  I’m not moving him down my rankings yet, but if you’re drafting right now, I’d be very cautious.  Anyway, here’s some more news going on in spring training for fantasy baseball:

Corey Hart – Had knee swelling and went for an MRI.  When the trainer told Ron Roenicke Hart’s issue, he said, “Corey swelling,” and Ron said, “Donna Martin graduates.”  The MRI said (figuratively) Hart needs arthroscopic surgery and will miss the start of the season.  I’d be surprised if we see him at full speed before the third week of April.  Figure, four weeks to recoup and at least one week to go on assignment.  It’s a pretty big blow for Corey Hart and everyone that likes to wear sunglasses at night.

Rickie Weeks – From the Files of “Of Course Rickie Weeks Is Injured” comes a predictable update.  He’s injured.  Maybe if they rename his dossier the files of “Maybe Rickie Weeks Is Healthy,” he might have a fighting chance.

Jesus Montero – Took a foul ball off his mask, inspiring him to turn water into the whine, “Shouldn’t I just be hitting?”  The good news is he was catching.  Hopefully, this is a sign that Montero won’t have to wait long to get catcher eligibility.  I’m guessing with days off and days he just DHs, he’ll need about two to three weeks for 10 games played behind the plate.  The other good news, his punim is fine. 

A.J. Burnett – Broke his orbital bone during a bunting drill.  This is the worst bunting injury since a Set PA over-decorated the seaboard of The Love Boat and bunting fell on Gavin MacLeod during a dress rehearsal and nearly caused a work stoppage.  “We only have Annette Funicello until Friday; get MacLeod back on the set!”  That’s a studio exec in the 70′s.  A.J. is out until at least May.  Probably the nicest thing he’s done to fantasy owners in the past few years, so now no one in their right mind will draft him hoping for a bounce back.

Grady Sizemore – I swear Grady Sizemore’s body is older than Whitman B. Mayo, who played Grady on Sanford and Son, and that actor passed away over ten years ago.  Sizemore’s now out for 12 weeks after undergoing micro-discectomy surgery, which is a surgery performed by a miniaturized Dennis Quaid.

Vladimir Guerrero – It’s being reported that the Marlins are not pursuing Vlad.  Probably for the best.  With his knees, that chase would’ve been a bore.  Instead, the Marlins are pursuing Aaron Rowand.  That could be fun with Rowand’s tendency to run into walls.

Anibal Sanchez – Felt some soreness in his shoulder.  In related news, Grey is holding his breath.

Joel Zumaya – After he has Tommy John surgery performed by Dr. Freeze, he will attempt another comeback.  I’m guessing he’s gonna try to throw with his left arm.

Miguel Cabrera – Booted the first ball he saw at third base.  Frequent commenter, Steve, suggested he try using this glove.  Would allow him to rest between pitches too.

Alex Rios – I think most spring training numbers are meaningless, but one thing to keep an eye on is where people are batting.  Right now, Robin Ventura likes Rios in the three hole.  Giddy up!

Ryan Howard – Had a setback with his surgically-repaired Achilles because of an infection.  Maybe he shouldn’t have tried picking at his wound, yelling “Scabs here” like he was Pauly D.  The Phils are saying this will delay his original May timetable.  I’m beginning to think we should assume we’ll see Howard around the All-Star Break and anything else we get is gravy.  Billy Butler, “Did someone say gravy?”

David Wright – Sitting out the first few games of the spring with ribcage discomfort.  I’m not concerned yet.  Guess what the key word is in that sentence.  Hint:  Starts with a Y ends in a T and it’s got an E in it.

Daisuke Matsuzaka – Red Sox are saying he could be back by June.  Red Sox fans are saying, “Is this really who we’re waiting on?  Trade for someone!”

Carl Crawford – Dealing with inflammation of his left wrist.  You know what’s good for that?  Swinging a bat, if you live in opposite world.

Stephen Drew – Will probably miss the start of the regular season.  I’m thinking J.D. and Stephen’s father was Mr. Glass from Unbreakable.

Alfonso Soriano – Said he’s open to batting leadoff.  That’s akin to me telling Jessica Alba I’d be open to having sex with her.

Freddie Freeman – Partially dislocated his kneecap.  Says it should be, um, re-located shortly.  I say look under your thigh.  It’s probably right there.

Giancarlo Stanton – Mike Stanton changed his name to Giancarlo.  Just when you thought Stanton couldn’t get any sexier, he goes and changes his name to The Sexiest Name Alive, according to People Magazine.  If Molière were alive today and not writing a hacky sitcom for The CW, he’d write a play about Giancarlo, the seducer of fantasy baseballers everywhere.

2011 was supposed to be a big year for Shin-Soo Choo — he was coming off his 2nd straight 20-20 season, his looming military service requirement to the Korean government was in the rearview mirror and he was just entering his prime age. Many (including yours truly) predicted a true breakout, and drafted him as an OF1. The statline that ensued packed about as much punch as Ralph Wiggum’s love life. Choo started the season in a horrendous slump before being caught for a DUI, and from there his slump spiraled out of control. Finally and mercifully his season hit rock bottom when a thumb injury sidelined him for a long period of time. Hailing from a culture that holds honor and duty in very high esteem, it would be foolish to say that the distraction of the DUI was not at least partly to blame for his first half struggles.

The story takes a positive turn after that, as Choo successfully and uneventfully rehabbed from his injury and returned in the second half.  The results were enough to remind owners of why they spent a high draft pick. He flexed his 20-20 skillset, hitting 3 homeruns and stealing 4 bags in August to go along with an otherworldly .348 batting average. This resurgence was ultimately cut short when Choo fell victim to “the year of the oblique,” straining the pesky muscle and ending his season prematurely. When evaluating Choo for early 2012 drafts, I find myself largely ignoring his abysmal first half 2011 and looking to that solid month of August. In doing so I am trusting that the problems were largely between the ears and that he put them in the past in the 2nd half and will be fine for this season. His ADP currently sits in the 70s, which is a pretty sizeable value for a true 5 category threat with a proven floor of production.

While we are on the subject of toolsy outfielders, I may be in the minority but I’m buying Carl Crawford this year. Yes, last year was about as ugly as it gets, and yes he still will probably be relegated to hitting in a less-than-advantageous spot in Boston’s lineup in 2012. These rather unsavory facts aside, I think a pretty convincing reason can be made to draft Crawford at his current ADP (mid-late 3rd round). At a glance his paltry 11 homeruns look bad, but consider that his career average for homeruns in a season sits somewhere around 15. Additionally, his 2011 ISO is actually HIGHER than his career ISO. Recall that you are NOT drafting Crawford for his power. You drafted him because he is a speedster that hits double digit home runs. He hit that power mark last year, and will continue to do that going forward.

Since power is not Crawford’s game the bigger issue was obviously his inexplicable drop in steals from 47 in 2010 to 18 in 2011. The aforementioned position in the lineup certainly played a part, as did nagging injuries, but in my opinion the largest single factor in this drop was his utilization. I really think that the Red Sox put the brakes on his game. This year, sweeping changes have been made to the Red Sox in both the front office and managerial positions. Since they have made such a huge investment in Crawford, they will really have no choice but to turn him loose going forward. This, coupled with an additional year getting used to the “pressure” environment in Boston, makes me bullish on Crawford this year.

Some more quick busts turned 2012 fantasy baseball value picks:

Nick Swisher – Still hitting in a bandbox in a great lineup. Yankees do not have better options anyway.

Kevin Youkilis – GGOW (Greek God of Walks) getting drafted in the 6th round at a weak 3B position? Yes, please.

Ike Davis – The latest casualty to the Mets’ training staff looks like a fine value at the end of drafts this year. Keeping with our Simpsons theme, pretty sure Dr. Nick could do a better job than the scrubs treating these injuries.

Brandon Belt – Maybe we were a year early on the hype train? At a round 15 price tag, I’ll pay to find out.

Andre Ethier – No, we haven’t forgotten about you. If your knee is finally right you might win some leagues as a flier OF3.

Jaime Garcia – Not really a “bust,” but HUGE home/road splits kept him from realizing true potential. Maybe he’s afraid of airplanes? Could be huge if he figures out how to pitch on the road.

Jose Tabata – Bloom is off the rose a bit with nagging injuries, but Shane Victorino upside hasn’t gone anywhere.

Adam Dunn – There’s not much more that can be said about his 2011. Hopefully it really was Ozzie Guillen that was the problem and he could go back to hitting 40 HRs for his fantasy owners. Still hits in a favorable environment.

Wilson Betemit collided with Albert Pujols and… Why is Wilson Betemit playing?!  He never plays.  Doesn’t your Quad-A Beer Pong Tournament partner, Shelley Duncan, need you for a tourney?  Manzo!  (Which is my new favorite exclamation that means nothing.)  Another tough break (strain?) for a high draft pick.  You high draft picks remind me of my shoe closet — I got one penny and a bunch of loafers!  (Thanks, Lil Penny.)  Pujols supposedly only has a sprained wrist, but will be reevaluated on Monday.  If it’s any more serious than a strain, I suggest Betemit enter the Witness Protection Program.  Your deity of choice willing Pujols will be back on the field in a day or two.  Luckily, Pujols has severed elbow tendons in the past and only missed one game.  Manzo!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Lance Berkman – Didn’t start on Sunday because his back and leg were “barking.”  Sounds like someone has figured out how to appeal to La Russa’s PETA leniencies.

Carl Crawford – Heads to the 15 day DL with a hamstring injury.  Manzo!  Crawford is now starring in “Hammy Dearest.”  Maybe J.D. Drew got in Crawford’s ear.  Drew, “Do you know they pay you the same amount whether you play all the games or take 30 of them off? Muahahahaha…Hey, you gonna finish that kale smoothie?”  The Sawx will turn to McDonald, Cameron and Reddick, which is enough to remove the pleats from Dan Shaughnessy’s dockers.  The good news, if there is any good news — why must there always be bad news first?  Why?! — the hamstring strain isn’t serious and Carl should be flapping his gums back on the field with the minimum time missed.

Brian Matusz – Left his start on Saturday with cramps.  Must be that time of the month.

Francisco Liriano – 7 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Of course you want slightly better vs. the Padres in the Hubert H. Homerfree Retrodome, but 8 Ks vs. 2 walks tells me he’s still headed in the right direction.

Aaron Hill – 1-for-4 with his 2nd home run this week.  I’ll bestow on you a very lukewarm “Go ahead and pick him up if he’s on waivers, but I don’t think any major corner has been turned.”  And that’s me bestowing on you!

Carlos Villanueva – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Chuck Newtown has a 3.17 ERA on the year, but that’s being buoyed by a solid run in middle relief earlier in the year.  As a starter, he’s been just a’ight, which is less than a’ight and way off from a’ight a’ight.  AL-Only leagues is about the only place I could see adding him for right now.

Bronson Arroyo – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Guess what time it is, ya’ll?!  No, not 8:28 AM.  I mean, it might be, but that’s not what I meant.  It’s time to add Arroyo to your teams.  In the last three years, his post-All-Star Break ERA is 3.09.  Yup.

Brandon Lyon – To undergo season-ending surgery.  If I said I was sad, I’d be Lyon.  And, as we learned from Semisonic, every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end, so Melancon will take over the closer job.  It’s closing time… BTW, if you’re at a bar where they play that at the end of the night, find a new place.  However, if your girl suggested the bar, then consider yourself lucky, you got a good one.

Hunter Pence – Missed Saturday and Sunday’s games because of a sprained elbow.  Sounds like he should be okay.  Let’s hope so because I need him for my teams and I’m sure that’s his biggest concern right now.

Bud Norris – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Noob Hint Alert!  If a guy has more strikeouts than innings, he’s good.  When the pitcher is doing that and has a 3.26 ERA, he’s very good.

Ty Wigginton – 1-for-3 with a home run.  When Wigginton hits one home run, what’s his over/under for homers for the week?  I feel people in H2H leagues might want to know this.  3 homers this week?  4?

Wily Mo Peña – After hitting 21 home runs in something like 18 games in Triple-A, he’s getting called up this week to play DH.  That’s the good news.  Bad news is he’s not yet in Yahoo and by the time he’s added he may no longer be playing in the majors.

Vernon Wells – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 7th home run.  He hit two home runs earlier this week, then everyone and my mother came out of the woodwork and said he’s a buy then he went 2-for-16 over his next 4 games then, to continue this run-on sentence, he hit a homer yesterday.  At this point, you throw him in the pile of Carlos Lee, Carlos Beltran and Chipper Jones.  There will be times of decent fantasy value but don’t field the entire 2003 All-Star team.

Tyler Chatwood – 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Besides having a last name that sounds like it would open up seven pop-up windows on your browser, he has way too many walks.  Don’t bother with him, not worth the ulcer.

Brandon Belt – Had the cast removed from his left wrist.  Inside, he found a metal hanger, a remote control and a coat check receipt.

Alex Rios – 1-for-4 with homers in back-to-back games.  People kept asking in the comments if Rios would ever turn it around.  Looks like he’s providing an answer.

Mike Stanton – Missed Saturday and Sunday’s game with an eye infection.  My guess is Hanley farted on his pillow.

Chris Volstad – 7 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks.  I highlighted him in the post the other day about pitchers who should be better.  And he was better yesterday.  See how that works?

Roger Bernadina – 3-for-4 with his 3rd home run in the last four games.  The one game he didn’t go deep, he stole a base.  In the last week, he’s hitting over .405, it’s Bernadina Bounty!  He’s owned in less than 2% of all ESPN leagues.  Sure, 95% of ESPN leagues are abandoned already, but it’s still too low.  In 39 games, he has 4 homers and 10 steals.  Over the course of the season, that’s better than that other guy you own.  And him too.

Danny Espinosa – This weekend, 2 steals and a home run.  Whatever, you don’t need that.

Clay Buchholz – To the DL with a lower back strain.  Geez, lots of injuries this weekend.  Reminds me of the time in 3rd grade when Little Joey Stanicky came to school with lice and knocked out half of our class with the head bugs.

Jair Jurrjens – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. Alexi Ogando (5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks) in a battle of the seemingly stoppable force meets an immovable xFIP, illustrating the Irresistible Sell High Paradox.

Hong-Chih Kuo – With his anxiety disorder at bay, he was activated from the DL.  You think the Dodgers are gonna put him in a tie game in the ninth inning?  Scully, “Kuo’s first pitch is a ball.  Looks like he’s pulling a samurai sword out… The first samurai sword was used in the 13th century.  Its popularity was fueled by the rise of close-combat warfare.  Wow, and there goes Loney’s head… Did you know some animals can survive decapitation?   A cockroach, for instance.  Guess we can safely say Loney is not a cockroach.”

Javy Guerra – The last time the Dodgers had a closer, Kuo saw a pile of baby powder and thought it was Broxton dehydrated like in the original Batman movie.  Hopefully things work out better this time.  Three ladies and gentlemen, Guerra recorded a save!

Jesus Guzman – 1-for-4, utility man who sounds like a character actor was called up by the Padres and started over Rizzo vs. a lefty. (Liriano, “I have a name.”)  Hopefully, the Padres don’t sit Rizzo vs. many lefties cause that could hurt his value.

Alcides Escobar – 2-for-3 with a home run.  Prior to that, 5 steals in 6 games.  Potatoes to chips, he could steal 40 bases.

Casey McGehee – 1-for-3, not much to say here other than to say there hasn’t been much to say all year with McGehee.  Last year doesn’t look as fluky as this year is making it look.  I think he will turn things around a bit, but he’s not giving you anything besides some occasional power, so if he’s a .260 hitter with 15 home runs, it’s really not that great anyway.

Shaun Marcum – Left Friday’s start with hip inflammation.  He was throwing butter with the ‘er’ up until this point in the season, so hopefully this isn’t that big of a setback.  If you want, touch your computer screen with your hand and we’ll hold hands hoping Marcum can bounce back quick… Did you just put your nuts on the screen hoping I’d hold them?  So juvenile.

Brandon Belt was recalled yesterday in the wake of Buster Posey’s broken fibula — no lie!  So far this year, Belt was hitting a cool (shouldn’t it be hot?) .351 with 4 homers and 3 steals in thirty games…If you ignore what he did in the major leagues.  Why did he fail in his first go around?  Was it bad luck?  P to the erhaps.  Was it just a small sample size?  That’s what she said!  Was it the pressure of the call up?  Well, filling in for Buster Posey shouldn’t be any pressure.  I think it was a combination of all of these things.  Bad luck triggers the hitter to press while hanging over them is the fear of a demotion.  It’s damaging to the psyche, I tell ya.  Don’t worry, I won’t bill you by the hour for this.  (I’m really just reading off my Freud day-to-day desk calendar anyway.)  In all leagues, grab Belt like Mr. Furley would.  His potential is too great to not take the flyer.  He can still get to double digit power and speed with a solid average.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Buster Posey – As I was writing this Whiskeytown’s Somebody Remembers The Rose came on my iTunes.  Ryan Adams may be a total douchebag, but he sure knows how to soundtrack my life.  Somebody remembers the Posey… What are the dangers of glove… When you hear this Posey news, you don’t have to be a 14-year-old girl to want to text someone sad emoticons and exaggerated punctuation.  Posey’s gone for a while.  In honor of Buster Posey, Ghirardelli chocolate will be releasing a candy bar in his name.  It is similar to a Kit Kat but already comes pre-broken.

Ryan Vogelsong – 8 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks.  I’d say he’s going to be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell, but he’s here now.  What, you need things told to you twice?  What, you need things told to you twice?  Vogelsong isn’t nearly the pitcher he’s showing right now, but you may as well ride the coaster until the guy in front of you gets sick.

Nolan Reimold – 4-for-4, 4 RBIs, 2 runs, 2 home runs and he even attempted a steal.  Giddy up, snitches!  Could be the 2nd coming of Jesus (my gardener who played semi-professional ball but couldn’t hit a curve).  Or he might be a hot schmotato.  Either way, I’d grab him in all leagues where you’re struggling to find a decent 5th outfielder.

Eric Hosmer – 0-for-6, hitting .257; 3 for his last 23.  Was what I was talking about when he was first called up and everyone was crazy for the rookie nookie and I told you to sell him.  Rooks and valleys, baby.  Rooks and valleys.

Justin Morneau – Was reported that he might need postseason surgery for a neck injury that is bothering him.  Fitting.  He’s been a pain in the neck for me all year.

Homer Bailey – I hope you’re sitting down.  Actually, stand up, then sit down again just to make sure you’re actually sitting down and not hovering in the crouching position.  Okay, ready?  Bailey’s hurt.  Shocking!  He’s going to have exams.  My advice to him is, when in doubt, answer C.

Jay Bruce – 2-for-4, and his 4th homer in the last five games.  Feels oddly quiet on the Bruce front considering this is the breakout everyone has been waiting years for.  Maybe people are scared if they talk about it it (stutterer!) will go away.  He can put up 30+ homers and 15 steals with great counting stats, i.e., a number one outfielder.

Chase Utley – Hit his first home run of the year.  According to the box score, at Citizens Flank there were 45,650 people or 104.6% of capacity.  That means about 2,000 people fell asleep in their seats during the previous 19-inning game.

Jose Contreras – Returned with a perfect inning.  In related news, the Phils clubhouse man restocked the shelves with Efferdent.

Grant Balfour – 1 IP, 3 ER.  His first appearance since being named the A’s closer and his first Kazaam.  Nice.  Freakin’ schmohawk.

Philip Humber – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Ugh.  I just wish all pitchers with terrible K-rates would pitch poorly.  Make my life much easier.  I can’t advise you pick up Humber outside of very deep leagues.

Russell Branyan – Angels signed him.  Of course, the Sciosciapath is going to platoon him with Trumbo. Branyan is such a prospblock.

Howie Kendrick – To the 15-day DL.  I say Halo, you say goodbye.

Carlos Pena – Hit a homer yesterday.  $5 says he hits three more by Monday.

R.A. Dickey – Mets are reporting an injury to Dickey.  Who let Lorena Bobbitt near the clubhouse?  Everyone but three readers just winced.

Frank Francisco – Blue Jays announced they would go to a three person closer committee with Frank², Rauch and Dotel.  Personally, I hate when people start sentences with personally and I think Dotel has the best stuff.

Anibal Sanchez – 9 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks.  First clue I’m human, when I overheard an old woman tell someone she showers while sitting on a stool, I shivered.  Second clue, I dropped Anibal Sanchez after his 2nd start of the year.

Max Scherzer – 2 IP, 7 ER.  Our favorite German Jew was blitzkrieged by the Red Sox.  I took a lot of heat for telling people to start him yesterday.  Hindsight is obviously 20/20, but he had something like a 2.50 ERA and near a K per inning since last June.  That, guys and three girls, you start everywhere.  Sorry it didn’t work, I’ll wash your car for you.* (*Offer not valid anywhere in the Eastern, Western, Southern or Northern Hemispheres.)

Carl Crawford – 4-for-5, 2 runs and 3 RBIs.  I’m guessing the slumpbuster for Crawford was some townie MTV girl by the name of Charlene.

Drew Sutton – 5 for his last 10 and started in place of an ice cold Lowrie yesterday.  A few years ago, Sutton went 20/20 while in the Astros organization, then struggled for two years.  If he keeps hitting, I’d bench Lowrie too.

Josh Reddick – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 1st steal.  Has some power and light speed.  In Triple-A, he’s failed to get above .266 in any season.  If he were to play every day, which I wouldn’t even say is a guarantee because of Mike Cameron, he could hit 15-20 homers and steal 10 bases with a .250 average.  He’s a solid pick up for AL-Only leagues.  In mixed leagues, you can take the flyer for some lightning in a bottle.  BTW, is it me or does Josh Reddick sound like the star of a porn version of Big where the Zoltar machine makes your wish come true if you stick your schlong in the coin slot?  “Hey, why’s the genie looking the other way?”

Last night, Buster Posey was carried off the field after Scott Cousins plowed him over.  This was the worst bang-bang play a catcher took in San Francisco since– Okay, you almost drew me into that one, but I’m not going there.  It didn’t look good as Posey wasn’t able to put weight on his leg.  Everyone’s favorite lox dealer, Eli Whiteside, would take over if the busted Posey misses time.  As Eli would say, oy.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Mike Minor – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks.  The reason why I haven’t been screaming for you to grab this Minor, besides the fact I’m not Gary Glitter or Jeffrey Jones, is I have no idea the Braves plan for him.  I imagine he’s sent back down as soon as Beachy returns.  You can pick up Minor, just in case he sticks.  I do still have much love for him.  Even if he hasn’t returned any of my phone calls, appreciated my unannounced drop-bys or patted my butt when I’ve asked him to.

Jordan Schafer – 2-for-5, was called up and led off for the Braves.  With his poor slash line in the minors this year, the only thing Schafer should be leading off is Letterman shows.

Mike Morse – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and now has three straight games with a home run.  Dot, dot, dash.  That’s Morse code for pick him up right now.

Zack Greinke – 7 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks and he pitchslapped Jason Marquis.  In Greinke’s last three games, he’s given up 5 ER, 4 ER and 3 ER.  I look forward to his start in early June when he throws a shutout.

Zach Braddock – Still out with a sleep disorder, but yesterday he missed a rehab start because of a cracked fingernail.  He said, “I’m not going to let a fingernail–”  Then fell asleep mid-sentence.

Matt Guerrier – Lost yesterday’s game; Jansen lost the previous Dodgers loss.  Guerra, MacDougal, Rubby…. Your time to suck is now!  Dodger bullpen?  More like Dodgy bullpen.

Ted Lilly – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Would’ve been nice to see more Ks — because I like Ks, okay?! — but he’s lowered his ERA from 4.93 on May 4th to 4.41 in the (not Denard) span of four starts.   Next stop, 4.00!

Hong-Chih Kuo – Throwing at 90% intensity as he works his way back from an anxiety condition.  Somebody just needs to ask him, “You happy with your status, Kuo?”

Juan Nicasio – Will get the Rockies Saturday start.  He was making it look easy in Double-A — 2.22 ERA, 1.02 WHIP, plus-10 K-rate.  That’s a yes, please and thank you.  Unfortunately, Double-A players sleep in hammocks that smell like mildew and can’t hit like major leaguers.  Outside of NL-Only leagues, you’re asking to get roofied if you grab Nicasio.  Though, if he pitches well, I could see reevaluating.

Jed Lowrie – 0-for-5 while the Sawx scored 14 runs.  Ticker tease!

Jarrod Saltalamacchia – 2-for-4 with his 4th home run in his last ten games while upping his batting average thirty-three points.  I don’t mind him, but Salty raises Rudy’s blood pressure.

Carl Crawford – 4-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs, his 3rd home run and 2nd in three games.  On top of the homer, there were two doubles and some premature extrabasulation.  He’s batting .308 in May and the “Now Through Memorial Day” sale on Crawford ended early.

Brad Hawpe – 2-for-4 and homers in back-to-back games.  Yesterday, someone asked if Hawpe’s recent hitting would keep Rizzo down.  The thing about Rizzo is the same with most rookies.  They fail — with or without a hashtag.  A rookie in Petco?  I would take a flyer, but I wouldn’t count on Rizzo saving your season.

Andruw Jones – 3-for-3, 4 RBIs and two home runs.  Someone just woke from a five-year coma and can’t stop talking about the Hall of Fame career Andruw Jones is having.

Russell Martin – Has 9 homers and 4 steals on the year.  Not bad considering there were two Yankee backstops drafted before him.

Frank Francisco – John Farrell, the Blue Jays manager (which I always feel the need to clarify), said Frank² was their closer.  Then he said Dotel, Frasor and Rauch could all jump on the closerousel if a matchup proved favorable.  By which he means, if they don’t want to blow the save, they’ll look elsewhere.

Erik Bedard – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  So, here’s a day in the life of Grey Albright:  Yesterday, I was backing up my SUV in a gas station and I ran into an old man walking behind my car.  Not on purpose!  I love old people.  They have good stories and carry hard candies.  But, from my rearview mirror, it looked like I decapitated him.  Quickly, I jump out of my car — after momentarily considering driving straight to Mexico and selling blankets and chiclets for the rest of my life.  Turned out I didn’t behead him, I knocked his toupee off.  I bring this up now because if the old man were Erik Bedard, he wouldn’t have walked away from the accident.  I.e., he’s injury prone.  Enjoy Bedard while you can, he’s not staying healthy.

Franklin Gutierrez – 2-for-3 as The Big FraGu went deep for the first time this season.  To be clear, I like The Big FraGu’s nickname better than him.

Neftali Feliz – He got the save yesterday and his season ERA is 1.13.  Still, something is not right.  He has a 1.50 WHIP and 14 walks vs. 8 Ks.  This isn’t the same guy who has a career K-rate better than 9.  I’d say he’s hiding an injury, but his velocity has been fine.  It might be a mechanics thing.  I don’t know, I’m not Tom Emanski.  BTW, who’s the backup to grab in Texas?  Blech, no one really.  BTW II, The Return of BTW, there should be a Razzball glossary term for when your closer is doing poorly (Joakim Soria, anyone?), but the rest of the bullpen is so bad you just ignore it.  Make suggestions in the comments.  Thank you.

Luke Hochevar – 7 IP, 7 ER, 11 baserunners, 1 K.  Seven innings and seven runs?  Looks like he was a victim of manager’s indifference.

Ian Kennedy – 8 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks in Coors.  Sorry if I told you to bench him yesterday.  Mea culpa, my Latin friends.  I avoided a sonavabenching because Rudy snuck Kennedy into our lineup.  His ‘fro is obviously just camo-ing his giant brain.

Ervin Santana – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks.  On May 13th, I told you Ervin was about to be magic.  Since then, his ERA is 2.05.  Cust kayin’.

Wilson Valdez – Started at 2nd base for Utley then pitched the 19th inning to earn the win.  Geez, everyone’s breathing down Ryan Madson’s neck.  When the game ended at 2:45 AM, all fans remaining in attendance got to take home with them one homeless person.

Don Kelly – LL Donkey has started the last two games in front of Brandon Inge.  Inge needs to turn to Big Mike for some guidance.

Kevin Slowey – Out with an abdominal strain.  Jim Hoey to replace Kevin Slowey.  Too bad they couldn’t replace Joe Mauer with Jack Bauer.  “Look, Liriano, we don’t have time!  I need you to throw me a fastball low and outside and I need you to throw it NOW!”