Fantasy Baseball Advice

Brandon Phillips isn’t the shiniest tool in the toolbox, but he hit two homers off Beachy yesterday.  He’s gone from a 30/30 2nd baseman to a 20/20 2nd baseman to now an 18/15 2nd baseman, but that doesn’t mean you’re completely screwed if you overpaid for him on draft day.  As long as Dusty hits him between Votto and Bruce, good ol’ Brandon should deliver above average R/RBI at a solid average.  He might not be as sexy as an Altuve or a Jemile, but he’ll probably be a better value the rest of the way.  BTW, even if you didn’t own him last night, the best thing about BP wrecking another Beachy was we didn’t have to sit through a celebrity telethon and Sean Penn’s sourpuss.  Anyway, here’s what else we saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Psyche! Before we get into the roundup, here’s the latest podcast. We talk about the Nats bullpen, Brandon Beachy and I read a poem I wrote for Gio Gonzalez.   If that’s not enough for you, Rudy references Lil Jon and drops an F-bomb, which isn’t as deadly as an A-Bomb, but nearly as effective.  Anyway II, here’s the roundup and podcast:

Download from iTunes

Download directly the Razzball Podcast.

Zack Cozart – He homered again yesterday for his second in two days because he wants to make it up to me for his early season struggles.  At least that’s what my ventriloquist dummy wearing a Cozart jersey told me.

Mat Latos – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks.  I want everyone to promise me one thing.  If you don’t want to own Latos right now because of his ERA roller coaster ride, write it down somewhere that you won’t read until next March.  So when you see his 3.50 ERA from 2012, you don’t draft him and then want to drop him for the first 6 weeks of next season too.

R.A. Dickey – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks.  When asked in the clubhouse where’d these strikeouts come from, Dickey said he pictured all the batters were his childhood bullies who used to pick on him.  Must’ve been hard for a guy named Dickey who was a knuckleballer.

Frank Francisco – Pitched a perfect inning for his 11th save.  Only during the Closepocalypse could a guy with 11 saves and a 7.13 ERA appear good.

James McDonald – Had another great start (7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks).  E I E I Own!

Kevin Youkilis – The Greek God of Limps has returned, and homered.  Opa!

Adrian Gonzalez – Comatose Red Sox Fan, “A-Gon is in the outfield?  So Ortiz is playing first and it’s interleague play?”  Nope.  “Our pitching is doing well, but we’re trying to squeeze in more offense?”  Nuh-uh.  “Please, tell me we’re at least in first for the Wild Card.”  You might want to sit down for this.  The A-Gonz outfield experiment is lasting beyond interleague as the Sawx are stuck with Middlebrooks and Youuuuuuuk at the corners.  Maybe while in the outfield, A-Gonz can reacquaint himself with the area behind the fences.  Not sure if he’ll play there enough to gain OF-eligibility outside 5 game leagues, but it can’t hurt his value.  Hopefully he can avoid the injury curse that is befalling all the Sawx OFs (Crawford, Ellsbury, McDonald, Ross, Kalish….)

Scott Podsednik – I’m gonna go out on a limb and say if you played any post-collegiate outfield, you could receive a call from the Red Sox.  This includes Matt Stairs’ Steak and Keggers Softball League.

Gavin Floyd – 3 2/3 IP, 9 ER pitching at home against the Twins.  Yowza!  Floyd is generally a safe 5th/6th SP in shallow leagues, but you just ask that he does this against a good opponent so you have a proper heads-up.  Party foul, Gavin.

Gordon Beckham – 3rd HR in 4 games (and Vernon Wells robbed him of a HR the game before that).  Not bad for the most British-sounding 2B since William Randolph.

Travis Wood – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks, as he was recalled by the Cubs to take Volstad’s spot in the rotation.  Wood had a 4.57 ERA in Triple-A this year.  That’s depressing, until you think about how fortunate you are that you’re not the Red Sox outfield.

Bryan LaHair – Sat out yesterday because he’s in a 1-for-20 skid.  And here I thought he’d hit .400 this year.  I’m glad I didn’t request MLB to defrost Ted Williams’ head.  On May 11th, when I told you to sell him, he had a .384 average with 8 homers.  He now has 10 homers with a .315 average.  He could be a platoon player by June 15th.

Alfonso Soriano – 1-for-4 with his 4th homer.  At least he’s having the decency to hit so it’s not completely laughable that the Cubs will find someone to take him off their hands.  Kinda laughable, just not completely.

Jeff Francoeur – 2-for-4 with his 3rd homer in… Let’s see how many times have I told you to own him in the last week?

Matt Carpenter – Left yesterday’s game with an injury to his side.  Just when you thought the oblique couldn’t get any vaguer, teams are now just calling it an injured side.

Michael Bourn – 2 homers yesterday.  That’s typically a season for him.  Did his 3rd round drafter Matthew Berry erase his memory and Bourn suddenly assumed a power-hitting identity?

Vance Worley – Hopes to pitch again even after visiting Dr. Freeze.  Here’s what frequent commenter, Cahhhhh-stanza, said, “Jo Anne’s son, Vance, went to see Dr. Freeze Monday for a 2nd opinion.  His first opinion?  Your mom’s best acting was on Rowan & Martin’s Laugh-In.  His second opinion?  I think a 12-18 month vacation may be in your future.”

Roy Halladay – 6 IP, 5 ER.  I’m officially concerned.  Is this the beginning of the end for him being a number one?  Citizens Flank is obviously not the friendliest of ballparks for pitchers, but that hasn’t changed from the last two years.  Luckily, you didn’t draft him and just went with Anibal and Gio to anchor your staff like I told you.

P.J. Walters – The ex-Cardinal had a complete game victory vs. the White Sox – giving up 2 ER and 8 Ks.  That’s 3-for-3 in quality starts so far.  His minor league stats don’t hint at this being his breakout season, but maybe PJ’s turning into a sleeper.

Robinson Cano – 1-for-3 with his 5th homer.  Still off the 8 homer, Ian Desmond pace car.

Josh Bell – 1-for-4 with a homer.  He was hitting the feathers out of the chicken (that’s a saying) in Triple-A.  He was also striking out more than a beagle in heat (also, a saying).  I wouldn’t want him for the long term, but he has everyday playing time and might stay hotter than a camel riding a furnace (not a saying).

J.J. Putz – 3rd blown save last night with 1 IP, 2 ER.  Dickey and Putz’s fortunes seem to be going in opposite directions like Siamese twins connected at the back.  After Putz lived up to his name last night, it might be wise for his owners to handcuff themselves to David Hernandez.

Ubaldo Jimenez – 6 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners (6 BBs), 2 Ks.  Six walks and two Ks?  Did Francisco Liriano’s doctor do some ‘minor’ surgery on Ubaldo?

Tyler Clippard – Davey Johnson reached into his bag of relievers and pulled out Clippard to save the game against the Phillies.  Nice 1-2-3 inning.  Now get back in the bag, Tyler, before Davey Boy goes all bulldog on ya.  BB-Rod is safe to drop for Craig “The Pistol” Stammen, Sean Burnett or Tyler Clippard.  If I were picking them up, I’d do it in reverse order.  Unless you’re reading this in a mirror.  .tops dlab eht eciton neve t’nac ,doog skool riah ruoY

Ryan Zimmerman – Sat out yesterday with shoulder soreness.  I’m hoping it’s a coverup because Jordan Zimmermann pitched and they only have one jersey.

Alex Avila – Hit his 5th homer yesterday.  If someone grew bored of the .220-ish hitting Avila, he’s a decent guy to grab off waivers.  No reason to think he can’t get back to respectable.  That sounds like a title of an R&B album, Get Back To Respectable.  A soulful journey as one woman gets back on her feet after a terrible breakup, as sung by Grey Albright.

C.J. Wilson – 8 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners (1 Hit), 7 Ks.  Of course, if you read any other site, the lead story is Pujols hit a home run.  Then twenty minutes of Bruce Harper, then what does Pujols think of Bryce Harper.

Elliot Johnson – 3-for-4 with his 8th steal.  Kinda annoyed I missed out on him in the RCL, but I got Cozart homering now.  Small booya.

Carlos Pena – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer as he hit leadoff.  …HA!  Sorry, tried to keep a straight face there.  The Rays are so good, Maddon can’t even Mr. Bungle them.  Luke Scott also homered.  As we know from past experiences, Scott and Pena only homer 5 times in a ten day span, never once.

Hanley Ramirez – 3-for-5 with 2 steals.  Now him and Reyes are red hot.  Or is that red-orange?

Brian Matusz – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 9 Ks against the Sawx.  Tip of the hat for the huge nutsacked owners who started him in this matchup.  That includes those whose nutsacks are enlarged due to a medical condition and who happened to have Matusz in their starting rotation before going to the hospital.

Wilson Betemit – 1-for-3 with his 7th homer.  Sure, I should’ve went with Betemit over Ryan Zimmerman, but a lot of good that’s doing me now!

Adam Wainwright – 4 hit shutout against the Padres with 9 Ks.  We told everyone who listened to last week’s podcast to buy him as it only seemed like a matter of time before he Wainwrighted the ship.  We have one word for how that must’ve tasted…

Yan Gomes – The Brazilian whacks another one!  Just an FYI to those of you who are getting sick of LaHair in that slot.

In the preseason, I said Adam Lind could contend for the MVP.  Wow.  It’s almost like Matthew Berry put that thought in my head.  In a litany of dopey things I’ve said, that might take the cake, frost it and smush it into my face.  The Berry feeds the Grey (bad advice), the Berry feeds the Grey (bad advice)… Hi-ho, the marry-o… What was I thinking?!  In my defense, he didn’t have an ailing back when I said that flimflammery and I told you to drop him outright a few weeks ago.  Oh, well, that’s what you get sometimes from crazy predictions.  Just flat-out crazy.  Like I should be walking into traffic in a burlap sack crazy.  So the Jays added a third A to Lind’s first name, sending him to the minors.  Since he was hitting like an infant, it makes sense.  In his place, the Jays called up Yan Gomes.  What’s with people and the last name Gomes unable to spell John?  Yanny was hitting .359 with 5 dingers in Triple-A.  Whatever, right?  Well, he’s a catcher, so those are like MVP (dah!) numbers.  In AL-Only leagues, I could see grabbing him.  Right now, he’s behind J.P., Mathis, Lawrie and Encarnacion, but Lawrie’s got a suspension and Edwin just made an error and the Jays game doesn’t even start for 12 hours, so Yanny could see time all over the field.  Yesterday, he played third and went 2-for-3.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Brett Lawrie – Unable to decide on the shadow coat rack or just bad calls, he dropped his appeal.  He is also practicing counting to ten before blowing his top.  As soon as he figures out what comes after 6 it should be a breeze.

J.P. Arencibia – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer in as many games.  I think he leads my RCL team in homers.  Now I will cry.

Mat Latos – 5 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks which equals a pretty mediocre start in Metco.  This was his chance to string three quality starts together.  At best, that chance only comes around once every three starts!

Lucas Duda – I didn’t mention it yesterday when he had a 3-for-4 day because I wasn’t sure if it would be a 3-for-4 day followed by a 1-for-4 day or a 3-for-4 day followed by a 3-for-4 day or a 2-for-5 day.  It turns out that 3-for-4 day became a 2-for-5 day and now he looks like he’s a hot schmotato again.  And, sorry, I think my 3-for-4 day record is scratched; it keeps repeating.

Ike Davis – 0-for-2 to lower his average to .164.  He’ll be fine.  He has his family’s support.  You know who I really worry about?  That poor soul who drafted Hosmer and Ike Davis.

David Wright – 2-for-2 with his 4th steal.  I pledged a nickel to Jerry Lewis’s Kids for every time I mention Wright.  We’re up to fifteen cents.

Dayan Viciedo – 1-for-4 with his 6th homer and 3rd in the last 4 games, and hitting .381 in the last week.  As we know, Viciedo is Latin for I Swing Therefore I Am, and he’s living up to that.  In 118 ABs, he has 32 Ks and 3 walks, but if he’s swinging a hot bat, what do you care?

Chris Sale – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks as the White Sox let him throw 102 pitches.  Could someone help the White Sox tie their shoes because they’re wearing kid gloves?

Josh Reddick – 2-for-5 with his 10th homer.  I wouldn’t use Reddick’s towel to dry my hands, but I’m sure enjoying him on our teams.

Adam Wainwright – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 1 K.  Far from a beautiful outing vs. the Melky-led Giants.  “Yo, Giants fans, you got Melky in your three hole.  Y’all is spoiled!”  That’s a Padres fan talking.  If you heard this week’s podcast, Rudy and I discussed Wainwright with some favorable mentions and whatnot.

Allen Craig – Out for a few days with a tight hammy.  Wouldn’t surprise me to see him hit the DL.  Poor guy, can’t have nothing nice with his health around.  It’s like Chipper Jones is his mentor. “Now, when you get out of bed, you’re gonna feel your quad tighten up.  That’s totally natural.”

Matt Carpenter – 3-for-5, 2 runs as he got the start in right field with Berkman back in the lineup.  He should continue to see starts with Craig pulling a Craig.  I’m also convinced that the Cards could put anyone in their lineup and they’d hit.

Charlie Culberson – The Charlie Culberson Era has officially begun!  That’s almost as electrifying as TBS’s George Lopez Era.  Charlie Culberson sounds like he has grit and other intangibles, but for s’s and g’s let’s see what tangibles he has.  This year in Triple-A, he hit 5 homers with a steal.  The year before in Double-A, 10 homers, 14 steals.  His glove’s a bit sloppy, i.e., Charlie Culberson makes fielding grounders cumbersome (say that fast 117 times!).  Sounds nice for fantasy, right?  Yeah, he might also hit .210.  Charlie Culberson not only has a name that only sounds right if you say the whole thing, but he also hasn’t seen too many pitches he doesn’t like.  In NL-Only leagues, you can find worse — like the other schmohawks the Giants were playing at 2nd.  In mixed leagues, let’s see how ol’ Charlie Culberson plays out.

Trevor Plouffe – 1-for-4 with his 3rd homer.  Plouffe goes the dynamite!

Justin Morneau – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer.  Don’t sleep on Morneau!  Seriously, because if you guys knock heads while laying on top of him, you may seriously hurt him.  If you really need a corner infidel, I’d go ahead and grab him.  Of ghrabi him, if you like things spelled to look like they’re in the Middle East.

Matt Capps – Perfect inning to notch his 8th save.  I’m totally jinxing him by even talking about him, but I remember distinctly during our RCL draft (after ending up with Cano instead of Votto!), Rudy saying to me how Storen and Valverde were the solid closers that I drafted, but how I’m gonna regret Capps.  This year more than most, it just proves SAGNOF!  Draft three closers, pray they work out and don’t overpay for them.

Mark Trumbo – 4-for-4 with a steal (hitting .370) while Pujols hit his 3rd homer and 2nd in as many games.  It only took Scioscia 39 games to figure out a lineup!  Don’t worry, it’ll take the Sciosciapath only a day to forget.   Oh, and good luck on buying low on Pujols now.  Oh, Part II:  The Return Of Oh:  This Pujols turnaround all started with the firing of the hitting coach.

C.J. Wilson – 3 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners (6 BBs), 3 Ks.  Fire the pitching coach!

Mitch Moreland – 2-for-2, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and 2 jacks.  Don’t you despise people who call homers jacks?  It’s not as bad as people who use the word uber, but it’s not far off.

Ryan Roberts – 3-for-5 yesterday, and, since his Creeper of the Week post on Monday, he’s 7-for-18 with a steal and two new tats.

Justin Upton – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer to raise his average to .224.  If you had thoughts of buying low, time could be slipping, slipping, slipping into the frontal suture.  Damn you, Autocorrect!

Trevor Bauer – Was promoted from Double-A to Triple-A yesterday as he slowly makes his way to the majors.  He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell.  Bob Sugar read it and gave me a thumbs up.

Orlando Hudson – Was released by the Padres.  You know who’s ears are perking up?  Brian Sabean.  He likes his meat aged, jerky!  I wish Orlando Hudson the best; I always loved his mom, Florida Evans.

Carlos Ruiz – 4-for-5, 3 RBIs and a steal.  He’s doing better than my Utility man in the RCL.  It’s sad, because it’s true.

Troy Tulowitzki – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer.  That’s his first homer since April 27th.  That’s a long delay on the snooze button.

Brandon Beachy – 9 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks to lower his ERA to 1.33.  Pretttay, pretttay good.  He could be a top ten starter this year, and that guy that has an ERA around 2.50 in September.  With Beachy, it’s no shore thing, but ride the wave.

Jordan Zimmermann – 6 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks as he was beat by a Barajas homer.  Or as J-Z would say B*****s.

Dee Gordon – 0-for-3, lowering his average to .207.  If he doesn’t turn it around, we’re about ten days away from him being demoted.

James McDonald – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks.  Five and two-thirds and only 5 baserunners with 11 Ks but 3 earned?  That doesn’t even seem possible.  Raw deal, J-Mac.  A’ight, real talk, guys and 4 girls, McDonald used to be a top prospect.  It was a while ago now, but maybe he’s putting his shizz on lock.  You feel me?  Okay, you’re just touching the computer screen; you’re not actually feeling me.  McDonald has around a 8 K/9, a strong FIP (2.88), and his walks are in check.  If Mickey D’s is out there, I’d absolutely grab him.

Andrew McCutchen – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and 2 homers.  He’s going for the record of most homers with the least amount of RBIs.  The Pirates are doing all they can to support that record-setting goal.

Matt Moore – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks vs. the Red Sox.  I’m sure this was a bit of a sonavabench for a bunch of you, but I’d much rather have a struggling starter do well on my bench than continue to stink up the joint.

Ricky Nolasco – 4 IP, 4 ER.  Aw, how sad, he was Rudy’s streamboat in the RCL.  Oh, wait, he benched him.  Sonavawishhewasn’tbenched!

Jose Altuve – 3-for-5 and his 8th steal.  I asked Rudy the other day if he thought Altuve should start being dropped in 12 team leagues.  His words were something like, “He’s a .300 hitter with 25 steal speed at the top of a lineup, what do people want from an MI?”

Doug Fister – 6 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 5 Ks and took the loss as he ran into the hot-hitting Twins.  I’m not completely joking either.  They actually have scored some runs of late.  Though, Mauer, who’s hitting .265, sure hasn’t been involved.

Welington Castillo – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his first homer.  You think he gets this a lot, “Where’s the beef, Welington?”  Probably not.  I’m not going to say he’s a better option than Geovany Soto.  That’s obvious.  Soto has a bad case of can’t-hit-to-save-his-life-itis and a sore knee.  Welington had 15 homers last year in Triple-A.  Right now, he’s just for two catcher leagues, but I could see him stealing more time from Soto even when the latter gets healthy.

Johnny Giavotella – 1-for-4 to raise his average to .176 as the Guido played over Hosmer.  Sadly, it makes sense.

Brian Matusz – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks vs. Luke Hochevar – 6 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks.  That sounds like a tailor-made matchup for some fingercuffing that didn’t work out great for either finger.

Dustin Ackley – 1-for-5 with a steal.  Hey, his cleats arrived from Japan!

Brandon League – 1/3 IP, 2 ER.  And on the fourth day, God said only Fernando Rodney and Jim Johnson can close with ERAs under 3.

Ichiro Suzuki – 0-for-6 to lower his average to .278.  Doode got old fast, right?  It’s my Morita Law of Asian Ages.  Pat Morita was young and spry on Happy Days, then five years later as Mr. Miyagi he looked ancient.

Hector Noesi – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks to lower his ERA to 5.61.  On a side note, I wonder if Carlos Beltran would pay for Jon Niese to have his last name changed to Noesi.

When Heath Bell looked like garbage on Sunday, Frank Francisco returned serve with three of his own runs.  It was like watching a tennis match between Jon Lovitz and that guy from Felicity.  Rather than getting the hook by his manager, Frank-Frank was ejected for arguing balls and strikes.  The ump should’ve told him, “With your stuff, I wouldn’t have the balls to throw strikes either.”  Jon Rauch is next in line here, but, before the ink can dry on his neck, he could lose the job too.  Though, I would grab him, in the non-sexual way.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Ike Davis – Sat out yesterday with flu-like symptoms.  Like.  Oh.  My.  Gahd.  I hopes it’s not Valley Fever.

Heath Bell – Ozzie Guillen has come to the conclusion that Edward Mujica and Steve Cishek are simply just as awful at closing games as Bell has been, so they might as well go with the guy with the bad contract.  So, once again, Bell is officially unofficially your Marlins closer and, as previously mentioned, he gave up two runs on Sunday.  I’d continue to hold Cishek and Mujica.  Bell needs to either go to the Disgraceful List or do some mop-up duty.  Despite the closer craziness, the past week the Marlins have got it done, winning 10 of their last 12 games.  A rational person might say to me, “The Marlins have played the Giants, Padres and Astros as of late, don’t get too excited.”  I am an irrational person, so it must be their new uniforms!

Giancarlo Stanton – 3-for-5 with a grand slam.  Is it just me or are you waiting for him to announce his name is actually Giancarlos Tanton?

Joey Votto – 4-for-5, 4 runs, 6 RBIs and 3 homers.  Votto bing, Votto boom.

Brian Fuentes – Was named the new A’s closer.  I literally wrote everything else in this post then came back to this to make sure he was still the closer.  If I wake up at 3 AM tonight and stumble back to my office, he may no longer be the closer.  He’s on a short leash with a cone and muzzle.  If he gets too far off the leash, he doesn’t give his owners rabies, he gives them ERAbies.

Brandon McCarthy – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks.  Look at him K’ing people with reckless a-Brandon.  McCarthy feels like one of those guys that you can get for cheap in a trade, but could be way more valuable.  He’s literally in every fifth comment as a guy people want to drop, and I use the word ‘literally’ metaphorically.

Jarrod Parker – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners (4 BBs), 5 Ks.  I doubt anyone’s actually buying (as in trading for), but you should be careful with Parker.  He’s due for some Liquid Paper getting dropped on his stats.

Bud Norris – Got the win on Friday with 6.0 IP, 1 ER and 8Ks.  Old James MacDonald pitched 8 innings and also struck out 8 in a pitchers’ duel.  And a Bud at McDonald’s is a combo meal in The Bootheel of Missouri.

Bryce Harper – On Friday, he threw his bat at the wall in frustration and needed 10 stitches as it bounced back and hit him in the head.  ESPN is auctioning off the bat with the proceeds going to TD (Teenaged Dipshits).

Wilson Ramos – Torn ACL and out for the year.  On the positive side, he’s now way too gimpy for kidnappers to lug around.

Danny Espinosa – Got a couple of hits on Sunday, homered Friday and Saturday while adding in two steals.  If it’s not obvious and you need me to spell it out, he’s H-O-T.

Henry Rodriguez – 2/3 IP, 4 ER with a massive blown save on Sunday.  I shut the game off before the Votto grand slam, knowing it was coming.  Then after it happened, I refreshed the box score a few times hoping it would change.  It’s a soul-crushing defeat when you know it’s gonna happen, then don’t believe it when it does.  Must’ve been what it felt like when Dewey tried to move his stuff into the White House with only a copy of the Dewey Defeats Truman newspaper.

Brian Dozier - 2-for-5 with his first homer.  I wouldn’t expect much here; he’s pretty yawnstipating.  It’s no coincidence that his last name is French for sleep (not true).

Scott Diamond – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Now has back-to-back 7 inning scoreless starts.  In AL-Only leagues, he could provide some value if he can continue his low walk-rate and so-so K-rate.  But in AL-Only leagues, Bruce Chen is valuable, so take that with a grain of salt, which is a crystal as is a diamond.  How’s that for circular reasoning?

Andy Pettitte – 6 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks vs. the M’s.  Against a major league offense, that’s 5 IP, 5 ER.  That’s not exactly a comeback on par with Lance Armstrong returning less nutso.

Carlos Ruiz – 6th HR on Friday.  Ruiz is batting .330 and leads the Phillies offense along with Juan Pierre.  Or JuanCarlos if Stanton’s renaming them.

Jimmy Rollins – 1-for-4 with his 1st homer.  Only one more to catch Chone Figgins!

Jesus Montero -  Hit a home run on Friday against his old team as he punishes New York for trading him to the Mariners.  You could taste the bad blood.  Mmm… Iron.

Justin Smoak – Hit a homer yesterday and is 6 for his last 12 as he got to hit away from Safeco.  Gets Fenway and Coors this week and could be a short term play.  Seriously, no kindling with Smoak.

Addison Reed – Robin Ventura is planning on splitting his save chances between Thornton, Reed and Santiago.  I think it’s appropriate to call Ventura by his cartoon onomatopoeia name:  VenturARGH.  And, because Reed seemed like the guy to own, he gave up 6 earned runs in a third of an inning yesterday.  To give up 6 earned in a third of an inning is, like a bowling alley that doesn’t cater to dwarfs will tell ya, no small feat.   At this rate, I don’t think I’d pick up any White Sox relievers in any shallow mixed league.  I need this ulcer?  No, no I don’t.  If you really need the saves, I’d grab Santiago, Reed or Thornton, in that order.

Chris Sale – 5 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks.  When you go for a ‘precautionary’ MRI (something I get all the time!), and you’re moved around to help ‘save’ your elbow, then throw a pretty mediocre start, I think something is wrong and you’d be wise to sell him quickly.  But I’m not a doctor, though I did fall asleep while watching a Scrubs rerun last night.

Carlos Beltran – 4-for-5 with 2 home runs and 4 RBIs on Friday and hit his 13th homer on Sunday.  He’s doing his best Albert Pujols impression, the pre-Angels Pujols.  Yes, it took Pujols to go to the Angels to become mortal.  The irony!

Allen Craig – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer on Sunday, after homering on Friday.  Bad enough that he double-dipped on first names when there’s people without one — R. Kelly, “Tell me about it!”  But now there’s people out there who can’t buy a homer in their leagues (me!) and this guy now has 5.

Rafael Furcal – 3-for-3 with his 7th steal, while batting .383 on the year.  Still think he’s more of an Early Bird Special than a Zombino.  You get two Facebook Likes if you understood that.

Lance Lynn – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks.  If you’ve owned him all year, you know this is less spectacular than he’s been.  Or spectaculess, if you like portmanteaus.

Josh Hamilton – Homerton was 3-for-4 with two more home runs on Friday to bring his total to 17.  The first player since Albert Pujols (who?) in 2006 to hit that many home runs in only 33 games.  Then he hit his 18th homer on Saturday.  18 homers?  I have 31 homers in one of my NL-Only leagues.

Mike Trout – Got his first slam & legs on Friday.  In related rookie news, ESPN ran a feature on Bryce Harper’s TD telethon.

C.J. Wilson -  Got roughed up in his Texas homecoming by Hamilton and the boys 1/3 IP, 3 H, 4 ER.  Then Matthew Modine started screaming “You wanna have another go at it” and Wilson agreed.  So, on Saturday, he went 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Then on Sunday, he rested.  Geez, with the God complex.

Mark Reynolds – Lands on the DL after throwing batting practice on Friday.  He said, “I got carried away with what I was trying to do.  It just looks so easy to strike me out.”

Xavier Avery – O’s called up their outfield prospect and played him in left field yesterday as he went 0-for-4.  Now for the Mystique behind X-Man.  He has some speed (and very light power), and will struggle to hit for much of an average in the majors.  In AL-Only leagues, he’s SAGNOF.

Jake Arrieta – 3 2/3 IP, 7 ER vs. the Rays.  He’s been absolutely clobbered in his last two starts.  I’d definitely look elsewhere, since I’m not a huge fan of O’s starters to begin with.  My O’s starter face is a straight line for my lips and a slow blink of the eyes.  It looks like ‘meh.’

Nick Johnson – Homered in back-to-back games that he started (Friday and Sunday).  He was in good spirits after the game, smiling in the locker room.

Danny Duffy – Left yesterday’s game with what is being described as “medial left elbow tightness.”  Sounds like medial up a different starter.

Alcides Escobar – 3-for-3, 2 runs and 1 RBI.  He’s been on and off my teams so many times the elastic is completely shot.

Jeff Francoeur – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs with his first Frenchy fly of the season, or Freedom Fly if you’re still harboring shizz.

Desmond Jennings – Has now missed six games with a sore knee.  Instead of day-to-day, they could’ve told us day-to-week.  Might’ve been helpful.

Ben Zobrist – Slam and legs with a side of mash (3 hits!) and Elliot Johnson also slammed, legged and mashed.  Johnson is 7 for his last 13 with two steals and a homer.  Could be a nice pickup if you’re struggling at MI.  BTW, if someone asks you if you’re struggling at MI, your answer is IM.

Carlos Marmol – Since the start this year, he looked like Apollo vs. Ivan Drago in the exhibition match.  Finally, the Cubs threw in the towel with Marmol’s head landing on top of it and on the Disgraceful List.

Bryan LaHair – Since Friday’s Sell, he’s 1-for-14 with 6 Ks.  Cust kayin’.

Jeff Samardzija – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  The best thing I can say about Samardetc. is I wish I owned him on all my teams.

Rickie Weeks – His wrist showed no breaks and his bat showed no hits.

Kevin Youkilis – Cleared to swing a bat.  Sounds like positive news for a guy at Hedonism after a cliff diving accident.

Will Middlebrooks – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer.  If Youk pushes Middlebrooks to Triple-A, there’s gonna be a letter written to Jimmy Breslin from a Son of Sam Horn.

Matt Kemp – Left yesterday’s game aggravating his tight hamstring.  Said he’s going for an MRI, but will only miss a game.  Um, well, guess we can hope.  How do we get this hammy cured?  Because those are delicious.

Juan Rivera – Could miss two months with a ruptured hamstring tendon.  Dude, c’mon, the day of rupture isn’t until December 21st.

The Yankees got bested by the team that gave Adam Jones away in a chump trade.  I mean, yikes with a side of damn.  I could even see adding seven a’s into that damn for good measure.  Michael Pineda is done for the year with a torn labrum, which only sounds like an injury that a female gymnast would get.  Mariners threw him for 340 innings in 2011 and then traded him to the Yankees for their best prospect.  Hey, Yankees, say hello to your mother for me!  Pineda sounds like he’s done for the year.  This is good for teams that drafted him, but had an “Only one Pineda per team” clause.  For all other teams that drafted him this isn’t good news.  Drop him like a hot Pineda.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Ryan Zimmerman – He’s gonna try to hit on Thursday.  I kinda hope it goes badly, and I own him.  Here’s the scenario I see happening if it goes well:  He returns on Friday, reinjures himself and then really needs 15 days from Saturday.  At least if his hitting session goes poorly, the Nats can backdate his DL stint.  Yes, I’m hopeful for a DL stint.  Yes, I’m Googling his address so I can have a “word” with him.

Jim Johnson – Headed for more tests as the doctors try to figure out what’s wrong with him.  “His peripherals look terrible, but he has so many saves.  Hey, why are we looking at box scores on an X-ray light box?”  That was the doctors after the first round of tests.  Pedro Strop is the pick up for the time being.  Hopefully, Strop isn’t short for closetastrophe.

Shin-Soo Choo – Sat on the bench last night as Shin-Soo Healthy, Hamstring-Soo Not.

Ike Davis – Dropped to 7th in the order, which is terrible for his value.  This was only surprising to me because, no matter how bad Davis has been, for the life of me I couldn’t think of six hitters better than Davis in the Mets lineup.  Hairston?  Tejada?  Really, Seth Myers?

Lorenzo Cain – Had a setback with his groin.  Pain…Sugar!  Sounds like he’s not coming back for at least another week.

Sergio Santos – Out for at least 4 weeks.  Could easily lose Santos until July.  That’s just me being real with you.  See, the truth is, everyone wants to know how many saves Cordero is gonna get or what closers I’m still cool with.  Cordero could get more saves than Santos this year.  If Cordero’s unowned in your league, then your league’s abandoned.  Makes me wonder why you’re reading this, but love your dedication.

Carl Crawford – Headed to Dr. Freeze with a sore elbow.  Looks like Crawford found a new joint to stink up.  Anyone know if Carl has to be with me if I go to City Hall and have his last name changed to Crawful?  No word on how long he’s going to be out, but I’m sure Dr. Freeze will find something to sideline him at least two months.  We shall see.  Or not.  Your choice.

Pedro Alvarez – 3-for-8, 2 RBIs, 2 runs as he hit two homers and a double in the doubleheader.  I told you 18 months ago that he was gonna break out!  Excuse me if I’m just too cutting edge for you.

Aubrey Huff – To the DL with an anxiety disorder.  At least someone is feeling guilty about taking Brandon Belt’s playing time.  Aubrey just needs some good male bonding time with his old college teammate, Pat Burrell.  “Anxiety’s just another name for you need to get laid more.”  That’s Pat Burrell’s motto.

Juan Nicasio – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks as he battled James McDonald, who threw seven innings of 1 hit ball with 8 Ks and 3 walks.  Even though this game and their seasons so far tell the opposite story, I like Nicasio better than McDonald.  As a commenter said the other day, maybe it’s because Juan’s last name makes me think of my grade school watch calculator.  In the end, I wouldn’t say either are necessarily must-starts in shallower mixed leagues.

Jhoulys Chacin – 5 IP, 5 ER vs. the Pirates.  Still holding him after I told you to drop him the first week of the season?  How’s that working out for you?

Corey Hart – 2-for-3 with his sixth homer.  SIX HOMERS, WHO KNEW?  Well, Al Caps, Corey Hart owners maybe.  His family–  I WAS BEING RHETORICAL.

Carlos Gomez – 2-for-5, batting .371.  I’d say he’s a hot schmotato, but the Brewers aren’t playing him anywhere close to every day.

Jose Altuve – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 1 RBI.  Rudy’s poster child is having a nice breakout as he bats .377 on the year.  Oh, and I was using the alternate definition of “poster child.”  Rudy literally dresses his child in Altuve posters. Rudy also talked about him in this week’s podcast (you know, the one where Corbin Bernsen was a guest).

David Freese – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer.  You know how someone punts 3rd base in your league and gets lucky with one of their flyers?  Whoever drafted Freese looks like that guy this year.

Lance Lynn – 8 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Now has an ERA of 1.33.  Yeah, I told you to pick him up before the season even started, but I don’t need another notch in my belt; I’m skinny.

Bryan LaHair – 1-for-4 with a solo homer.  Did you know I have French ancestry and my family name was once LaBright?  Totally not a true story.  I own LaHair (above my LaLip) in an NL-Only league and he’s fighting it out with my cougar for my love.  The LaHairness is racing for mixed league value, and I’d want to be the one to own him.

Trevor Cahill – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER which comes after a 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER effort.  Can’t wait for his next 5 IP, 4 ER start.  I keed with your fantasy feelings.  In most leagues, I’d try to hold onto Cahill; I think he’ll be better and he only has a 3.70 ERA; it’s not like he’s Scherzer’ing all over your team.

Jarrod Parker – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks.  How was that debut?  How about sparkerling?  Yes, I’d pick him up.  Yes, in your league too.  I just went over my Jarrod Parker fantasy the other day.  I wrote it while sitting on top of a crescent moon with an umbrella drink.

Alex Liddi – 2-for-5 with his 2nd homer in as many games.  Being the one major leaguer that was born in Italy has its drawbacks for Liddi, after a base hit in the sixth, he peered across the diamond to his third base coach giving signs and thought he was flipping him off.

Jason Hammel – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Has close to a K/IP, a 1.00 WHIP and a 1.73 ERA.  I’m officially on board, but there’s one problem.  Or caveat if you’re Latin.  His next start is in the House They Built Across The Street From The House Ruth Built.  I want no part of that start.  So if your league is a bunch of vultures, grab Hammel now and bench him.  If you think you can get Hammel even if he pitches well at New York, then let him sit on waivers for a week.

Kyle Drabek – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks.  I’ve said to pick him up for, like, three straight weeks.  I’m moving on now.  You do what you do, I’ll do what I do and we’ll let our probation officers figure out the rest.

Chris Sale – 8 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  I like Parker this much, but I like Sale this much.  I was holding my arms further apart for Sale.

Hector Santiago – 1/3 IP, 3 ER, giving up a homer to the Cuban raftee, Yoenis.  What the H. Santiago?  About two weeks ago, I said Santiago wouldn’t make it out of April with the closer job.  Well, his ERA is 8.53 and literally everyone in their bullpen is better.  I mean, no shizz here, everyone.  I think Reed will end up getting saves at some point, but Thornton’s been solid and he has that ever elusive closer experience gene that MIT is currently trying to grow in a Petri dish for the Red Sox.  If I had to guess, and that’s what I’m doing at this point, I’d pick up Thornton first.  If he’s gone, I’d speculate on Reed.  If Reed’s gone, make me a Denver omelet.  Oh, well.  I tried.

Omar Infante – 2-for-4 with his 5th home run.  Infante has as many homers as Stanton has RBIs.  FMFBBL!

Billy Butler – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and 2 homers.  This was the first time he heard “what a pair” and didn’t blush.

Ubaldo Jimenez – 6 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Ubaldo won the award yesterday for the most fantasy owners looking to drop him.  I think it might be the right move too.  I’m tilting in that direction.  I would put him on my bench in most leagues and see what he does next time out.

Angel Pagan – 1-for-5 with a home run.  He has 17 hits in 17 games played.  Mr. Obvious, “He’s averaging one hit every game.”  He also has two homers in the last 5 games.  I’m not saying he’s a hot schmotato yet, but he’s on the brink of it.  Right now, he’s been in the microwave for eight minutes and he’s still a bit too solid when you stick a fork in him.

Brennan Boesch – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer in 3 games.  Pick him up immediately!  Seriously, don’t make me explain it to you.  If he was dropped, grab him.  Now.

C.J. Wilson – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 11 Ks.  I think I got some funny looks by ranking Wilson as high as I did in the preseason, but I’d take him over Haren at this point.  Yeah, I said it.

Vernon Wells – 2-for-4 with his 4th homer as he bats .239.  If he hits two more homers by next week and raises his average to .260 (which would only really take, like, two 3-for-4 games), I’m gonna mention how I told you to draft him in the preseason.  If he doesn’t do one of those two things, we’ll once again go back to never mentioning that I ever suggested you draft him.  Hey, at least I’m honest with you about my hedging.  Bee tee dubya, he has 4 more homers than Stanton.  I’m crying right now, please look away.  Hey, my tears are wiping Stanton’s name off my Trapper Keeper.  What does that mean?  I wish I had a pint of ice cream and… Why isn’t Lifetime playing Bride Wars!?

The first full week brought more reliever injuries, questionable manager decisions, and batting slumps, causing much consternation in the Razzball world. Colby Rasmus took a lot of the vitriol, and was dropped in 10 leagues. He was usually picked up again, though, and started to heat up, finishing with 5 RBI and a stolen base.

Adam LaRoche was a key add this week, and is now owned in all 48 leagues, as compared to 49.4 % of all ESPN leagues. Lance Lynn (44 leagues/18.5% ESPN), Zack Cozart (48/50.9%), Alejandro De Aza (48/22.5%), and Bryan LaHair (37/4.9%) were also RCL favorites. Bryce Harper is now owned in 31 leagues as many are hoping for an early call-up.

There were 6 trades, and as usual in fantasyland, some big names were dealt. In RCL 21,  Giancarlo‘s injury status scared Montgomery Biscuits into trading Stanton and Daniel Bard to Team Bass for Jose Reyes. In the same league, Smell The Glove dealt Andrew McCutchen and Tommy Milone to Man Lotion for Alex Rodriguez and Jay Bruce.  Lackey’s Chicken Shack was chasing saves in RCL 46, trading Brandon Phillips to Wood Street Wonders for Jason Motte and Matt Capps. Others traded this week include Nelson Cruz, Dan Haren, Edwin Encarnacion, Alex Gordon, and Madison Bumgarner. You can find all the trades in the fantasy baseball forums. The Commenter League threads can be found under “Everything Else.”

League Leaders

Premium Lumber (RCL 46), paced by Matt Kemp’s amazing line (.545/7 R/4 HR/8 RBI), were the top hitting team this week. They hit .331 with 18 home runs and 53 RBI, 53 runs, and 7 steals.

Average: .376 (This is Not A Name – Original Recipe)

Runs: 57 (Team Duda on Yu – RCL 38)

HR: 20 (Playin’ The Field – Beef SAGNOF!)

RBI: 59 (The Padre’s Pirates – Matthew Berry Is A Tool )

SB: 14 (Team Elijah’s Army – RCL 22)

Team Robbins (Fantasy Master Lotharios) put up the best pitching numbers this week, thanks to C.J. Wilson (2 wins/1.38 ERA), Jonathan Niese (1 Win/0.00/0.90), Brandon Beachy (1 Win/0.75/1.00), and Ricky Romero (1 Win/1.08/0.60). They finished with 70 Ks in 86 innings, 10 wins, 3 saves, 2.20 ERA, and a WHIP of 1.13.

Ks: 24 (The Man Bear Pigs – RCL 24)

Wins: 10 (Team Robbins – Fantasy Master Lotharios)

Saves: 10 (Ali’s Beard  – Myrtle’s Acres)

ERA: 1.51 (Highly Questionable – RCL 44)

WHIP: 0.73 (Yu R A Whirling Darvish  – RCL 29)

TEAM OF THE WEEK – April 9 – 15
Bay City Bandits (RCL 46)
.332 (105/316) 52R/12 HR/45 RBI/7 SB	48.2 IP 51 K/4 W/2.03/0.97/7 S
The Bay City Bandits moved up 2 spots in the standings to take first place in RCL 46 away from Premium Lumber, with Michael Young (.414/3 R/1 HR/8 RBI), Derek Jeter (.429/5 R/2 HR/6 RBI), and J.D. Martinez (.391/4 R/2 HR/7 RBI) leading the way. Two more Rangers, Ian Kinsler and Josh Hamilton, added 6 home runs and 15 runs scored. Javy Guerra contributed a win and 3 saves, with an ERA of 0.00 and 0.75 WHIP. Matt Garza tossed 8.2 scoreless innings, recording 9 strikeouts and allowing just 5 baserunners. Shawn Marcum added 12 Ks in 13 innings with a 0.77 WHIP.