Bryan LaHair

Grey

Stuck In The Middlebrooks With Youk

| 2012 Fantasy Baseball | 619 Comments

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Will Middlebrooks was called up to step between his brother, Donnybrook, Bobby Valentine and Youuuuuuuuuk.  Youuuuuuuuuk said, “Ow, my back hurts, I need the DL,” Valentine said, “Just wrap yourself in lavash, that makes everything better.”  Donnybrook erupted in a public place because of needling from Sawx fans and Will Middlebrooks hits a lot of homers in the minors.  Hello, Will, you be staying for dinner?  I’ve prepared a nice spot at the corner spot.  Please disregard the Rays embossed flatware that I have there; it was for someone else.  This year in 23 games in Triple-A, Middlebrooks hit 9 homers and stole three bases.  Last year, he hit 18 in Double-A in 96 games and 7 in 17 games in the low minors.  Yesterday, he went 2-for-3 and stole a base.  He strikes out way too much currently with little to no walks for him to come close to putting up a good average over the long haul.  But long hauls are why you pay movers on Craigslist.  You’re looking at short term if you lost Longoria and, for that, I say grab him in AL-Only and deep mixed leagues.  If you’re in a league where you can grab Alvarez or Chris Davis, then I’d go with them right now.  And, no, I never thought I’d be saying that a month ago.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Josh Beckett – Beckett will only miss one start due to his lat soreness.  Lat’s all, folks.

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

Depraved By The Bell

| Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 315 Comments

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Heath Bell is giving out two run innings like he’s Daryl Hannah giving out crazy vibes. Yesterday, was the fourth time in 8 appearances this year he’s allowed 2 runs.  His WHIP (2.70) looks like an ERA, his ERA looks a perfect score from a corrupt figure skater judge (10.80) and the Red Sox are wondering if he can be their closer.  At some point, Bell should be replaced as closer, and, with the way he’s been pitching, that point was about three weeks ago.  Astute Razzball reader, “Is Cishek or Mujica the replacement?”  I thought you were the astute one.  Mujica looks to be the set-up man, but I think Cishek gets first crack.  It’s called a hunch, like how Guy Fieri eats a sandwich.  As of right now, I wouldn’t drop Bell, but I also wouldn’t put him in my active roster.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Juan Carlos Oviedo – MLB suspended Juan Carlos Ovideo (Leo Nunez) for eight weeks for using a fake identity.  No plan to suspend Heath Bell for impersonating Kevin Gregg.  In his time off, Leo the Lyin’ plans on snorkeling through Atlantis, talking to his giant rabbit Harvey and hunting Sasquatch.

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

Buy Buy Buy, It’s Still Albert!

| 2012 Fantasy Baseball | 748 Comments

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Can you get him for cheaper than he’s worth?  Is panic mode setting in for his owner?  Is he walking around muttering Effjols?  When you look into the eyes of your opponent who owns Albert Pujols, what do you see?  Do you see someone who is hiding tears, pretending they just came out of Subway and the godforsaken onion smell that you need to walk on the other side of the street to avoid has caused them to cry?  Or do you see someone steeled in their resolve?  If it’s the former and former is the first one, you pounce like a feral cat that you’re allergic to.  A feral, I-used-to-be-tame-but-now-I’m-gonna-scratch-your-eyes-out-and-put-them-on-a-kebab-and-serve-them-with-tabouli cat!  There’s no way Pujols just ups and leaves Fantasy Worthiness Land, unless the Angels accidentally signed Alburt Pujols, Albert’s evil, mustachioed brother who the Pujols family disowned 30 years ago and has been plotting his revenge ever since.  (Albert) Pujols has 30 homers, 100 RBIs, 100 runs, .300 average for breakfast and then says he has room for dessert.  Who has dessert with breakfast?!  Albert Pujols does.  You don’t trade that away for pennies on the dollar, but you do prey on the weak and buy that.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Tony Campana – Campana is so steals-crazy he’s like the jittery, smoking guy who asks you where the bathroom is in a bad part of town and you instinctively hold your backpocket to make sure he doesn’t rob your wallet.  That’s Tony Campana.

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

Pineda They Come, Pineda They Fall

| 2012 Fantasy Baseball | 591 Comments

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The Yankees got bested by the team that gave Adam Jones away in a chump trade.  I mean, yikes with a side of damn.  I could even see adding seven a’s into that damn for good measure.  Michael Pineda is done for the year with a torn labrum, which only sounds like an injury that a female gymnast would get.  Mariners threw him for 340 innings in 2011 and then traded him to the Yankees for their best prospect.  Hey, Yankees, say hello to your mother for me!  Pineda sounds like he’s done for the year.  This is good for teams that drafted him, but had an “Only one Pineda per team” clause.  For all other teams that drafted him this isn’t good news.  Drop him like a hot Pineda.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Ryan Zimmerman – He’s gonna try to hit on Thursday.  I kinda hope it goes badly, and I own him.  Here’s the scenario I see happening if it goes well:  He returns on Friday, reinjures himself and then really needs 15 days from Saturday.  At least if his hitting session goes poorly, the Nats can backdate his DL stint.  Yes, I’m hopeful for a DL stint.  Yes, I’m Googling his address so I can have a “word” with him.

Please, blog, may I have some more?
VinWins

RCL Roundup: April 16

| Our Leagues | 29 Comments

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The first full week brought more reliever injuries, questionable manager decisions, and batting slumps, causing much consternation in the Razzball world. Colby Rasmus took a lot of the vitriol, and was dropped in 10 leagues. He was usually picked up again, though, and started to heat up, finishing with 5 RBI and a stolen base.

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

The Drew Storen Called And They’re Running Out Of UCLs

| Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 197 Comments

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Drew Storen is headed to see Dr. Freeze.  Here’s what I said about three weeks ago, “Drew Storen had arm discomfort… About two weeks ago (so that was about five weeks ago now; this is me adding an addendum — Hey!  Okay, back to the quote).  He hasn’t pitched in a game since March 7th (that’s more than a month ago; okay, maybe I didn’t need to clarify that) and had soreness in his biceps playing catch yesterday (that’s less than a month ago, but more than three weeks ago… Oh, forget.  I’m coming out of this quote.)”  And that’s me coming out of my quote prematurely!  That’s what she said!  Wait, huh?  My guess is Storen will probably be out for a few months.  You don’t go see Dr.

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

League-Wide Offense Longs For Shrunken Ball Era

| 2012 Fantasy Baseball | 172 Comments

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No surprise that Johan Santana pitched well yesterday.  Everyone pitched well yesterday (except relievers).  Now I know what it was like to play fantasy baseball during the dead ball era.  “Hey, Scoots, I got me a base hit from my second bagger!  I’m so excited, but maybe that excitement is from this Coca-Cola that’s made from cocaine!  I love me some fizzle!  I’m gonna boil this Coca-Cola, then smoke the leftover brown soot.  You want in, Scoots?  Huh?!”  Can’t everyone do the juice and then use FedEx?  I miss the shrunken ball era!  Did anyone even hit a ball out of the infield yesterday?  Someone lower the mound six inches and use aluminum bats.  Please!  I need Justin Masterson looking like Bob Gibson like I need another hole in my head (I already have four; one of my ears closed up after listening to the Cleveland Indian announcers).  Can’t say I wasn’t unpleasantly surprised to see Johan pitching.  It would’ve been straight pleasantly, but I don’t own him anywhere.  He’s not the pitcher he once was.  He’s not going back to that, but he looked like he could be a fairly competent number three fantasy starter if — and this “if” is the size of Gilbert Grape’s mom — he can stay healthy.  Though, after yesterday, every healthy pitcher may be a competent number three.  Now go smoke some Coca-Cola soot!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Frank Francisco – A perfect inning save.  It’s safe to drop Rauch and/or Parnell.  If you want, pretend you’re going catch Rauch in a trust exercise, then let him drop.  It’s more fun that way.

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

Bryan LaHair, 2012 Fantasy Sleeper

| 2012 Fantasy Baseball Sleepers | 75 Comments

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Yeah, I like Anthony Rizzo too.  I like him better than Bryan LaHair even if LaHair was moussing pitchers all last year.  In the PCL, which doesn’t stand for Plutonium Chloride, he hit 38 homers with a .331 average, mashing like his name was Dee Dee Sharp.  Sure, batting in the PCL is like hitting with an aluminum bat in an anti-gravity chamber, but he was the best — the best, Jerry!

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

Land Of 10,000 Bad Breaks

| Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 128 Comments

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Joe Mauer is done for the year with pneumonia.  I’m almost 100% sure Morneau was the carrier of the virus.  On Friday, frequent commenter Mike said, “If you went to Joe Mauer’s house, went into his basement, jack-hammered through the concrete, and started digging, what would be the under/over on number of feet you’d have to go down before you found the first dessicated Native American corpse?  3 feet?  4 feet?  I mean, that Native American graveyard can’t be that far below the surface.”  I honestly never thought I’d say this this (stutterer!) early in his career, but I think Mauer’s going to be a bargain next year.  Assuming he falls into the 10th round or later, he’s worth the gamble at catcher for 2012, right?  I mean, even if he only gets 100 games and hits .300, it’s worth the ulcer, isn’t it?  I think so.  With that said (yeah, here comes opposite talk), I’m sure glad I haven’t drafted him the last two years in any league.  He hit 3 homers this year.  As in between 2 and 4.  Jesus Montero has that many in 10 games.

Please, blog, may I have some more?