We laughed, we cried, we laughed and cried about Eric Hosmer. Take off your homemade aluminum hat that you wear so aliens can’t hear your thoughts and think back to March. You had that argument with your mom and you ran out of the house screaming, “I wish you were Evan Longoria!” Then when he went to the DL, you ran back into your house and screamed, “I love you Mom, can I move back into the basement?!” Then you streamed Philip Humber for his perfect game and you thought that this was a great time to change your hummingbird tattoo to a Humberbird tattoo complete with his likeness.
Please, blog, may I have some more?Bryan LaHair
R.A. Dickey put up another insane line yesterday — 9 IP, 0 ER, 1 Hit, 3 walks, 13 Ks. I don’t own him anywhere (of course, I wish I owned him everywhere), but this is the kind of season that’s just fun to watch from a real baseball perspective.
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Brandon Phillips isn’t the shiniest tool in the toolbox, but he hit two homers off Beachy yesterday. He’s gone from a 30/30 2nd baseman to a 20/20 2nd baseman to now an 18/15 2nd baseman, but that doesn’t mean you’re completely screwed if you overpaid for him on draft day. As long as Dusty hits him between Votto and Bruce, good ol’ Brandon should deliver above average R/RBI at a solid average. He might not be as sexy as an Altuve or a Jemile, but he’ll probably be a better value the rest of the way. BTW, even if you didn’t own him last night, the best thing about BP wrecking another Beachy was we didn’t have to sit through a celebrity telethon and Sean Penn’s sourpuss. Anyway, here’s what else we saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Psyche!
Please, blog, may I have some more?David Robertson to the DL for three weeks with a left oblique strain. 2009 was the Year of the Oblique, then there was the Middle Infieluenza Outbreak of Twenty-Ten, and 2011 was a war between General Soreness and Major Discomfort. This year is The Closepocalypse. If you’re a closer and gonna go to the DL, at least get your make-believe plague right.
Please, blog, may I have some more?The Royals physician diagnosed Danny Duffy with a torn UCL, which would mean Tommy John surgery. In related news, Dr. James Andrews is filing a trademark lawsuit, saying he’s the only doctor that can shut down pitchers for longer than 60 days. In sorta related news, Francisco Liriano is still waiting to come back. In unrelated news, when Dr.
Please, blog, may I have some more?When Heath Bell looked like garbage on Sunday, Frank Francisco returned serve with three of his own runs. It was like watching a tennis match between Jon Lovitz and that guy from Felicity. Rather than getting the hook by his manager, Frank-Frank was ejected for arguing balls and strikes. The ump should’ve told him, “With your stuff, I wouldn’t have the balls to throw strikes either.” Jon Rauch is next in line here, but, before the ink can dry on his neck, he could lose the job too. Though, I would grab him, in the non-sexual way. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Ike Davis – Sat out yesterday with flu-like symptoms. Like. Oh. My. Gahd. I hopes it’s not Valley Fever.
Please, blog, may I have some more?Right now on our Fantasy Baseball Player Rater the top outfielders are Hamilton, Kemp, Beltran, CarGo, Braun, Bruce, Jones, Grandy and then Bryan LaHair. Now, I’m not saying LaHair doesn’t belong in that company– No, that’s exactly what I’m saying. For 1st basemen, he’s currently above Prince Fielder, Votto and Miggy. I know, you think of yourself as a brilliant NASA-level scientist who has been working on a pencil made of Doritos crumbs. Your Dorito pencil will come to fruition; the sour cream and chive eraser is a great addition, but you didn’t plan on LaHair doing anywhere near this good. If you own LaHair, you stepped in LaCrap. Right now, a guy who people weren’t sure could make it in the major leagues is hitting .384 with 8 homers in 28 games. The power isn’t totally bonkers. He’s on pace for around 40 homers. 25 homers seems doable, maybe even 30. The batting average is Jimmy Stewart’s rabbit, Harvey. It’s Keyser Söze. It’s your imaginary friend that you agreed to marry if you get to 40 years old and you’re both still single. Right now, he has a .510 BABIP. The only way he sustains that is if LaHair has some Zapped telekinesis power. He wouldn’t even be able to sustain it if he hired Willie Aames to run on the field to distract the fielders. (Willie charges $15/hour for this service if you want him for your softball games.) His current K-rate (29.1) would have been third worst last year (or third best if you’re a masochist).
Please, blog, may I have some more?Don Mattingly said that Kenley Jansen is now his closer. His exact words were, “There was a time and a place to put a closer in the setup role and an inferior pitcher in the closer role and that time has past. I will know try to figure out why I ever shaved my mustache. Things were much easier when Joe Torre was in the dugout managing the team and not on speed dial. ‘Ooh, I’m Joe Torre, I take twenty minutes to return a text.’ C’mon, man, I can only ask for a replay review so many times! I wonder if I can get Paul Sorvino to be my bench coach. Or Joe Mantegna, he also kinda looks like Torre.” Jansen will be a $12 Salad in all leagues by July, if not sooner. Yes, he should be owned in all leagues, if he isn’t already. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jhoulys Chacin – Went to the Disgraceful List when he refused his assignment to Triple-A. If you are gonna suck in your first 5 MLB starts of the year, Jhoulys you can do is report to AAA.
Please, blog, may I have some more?Even King Mo, Thy Saver of the Throne, Sire of Sutter, Haver of Fingers, Tester of the Quiz, Nowhere Near the Stench of the Wickman is not immune to the closepocalypse that is upon us. The plague of ninth inning locusts strikes all that cross thee path! What? I was pouring out some Olde English for the brothers who aren’t here. Mariano Rivera was hurt shagging fly balls. Last person hurt like that was Jenna Jameson. It didn’t look good, as he was carted off in pain, and it turned out even worse, as he was diagnosed with a torn ACL. David Robertson should’ve been owned already, but here’s a real reason to, you save vulture. This is frustrating not because I owned Rivera. I don’t; I don’t believe in $12 Salads, but someone is lucking into Robertson, who could end up one of the best closers in baseball this year. If you’re really hurting for saves, it’s worth a speculative grab to pick up Rafael Soriano. The Yankees would have to be five cookies short of a potential Biggest Loser contestant’s breakfast to skip K-Rob for Soriano, but he does have closer experience. Whatever that means nowadays. After the closepocalypse, half the league’s pitchers have closer experience. Juan Cruz has it now! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Pablo Sandoval – Wanna hear something freaky? You have a third nipple!?
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Giancarlo Stanton has battled injuries and the Marlins’ awkward ballpark this year, but I haven’t completely lost hope. Since arriving in the majors, he’s been a fantastic player in OPS leagues because, aside from his insane slugging, he’s been taking walks at a solid rate.
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