Excellers is now a word because you added it to your dictionaries. The other day I went over some 2nd half hitters. Today, it’s time for everyone’s favorite 2nd half fantasy baseball pitchers. Or maybe these won’t be your favorite pitchers. These are decisions you have to make on your own. I can walk you to the fantasy baseball water, I cannot drink it for you. Similarly to hitters, players get in grooves or slumps. So if a pitcher has been terrible for the last month, but showed flashes in the 2nd half of last year, he’s worth considering, but he’s not suddenly going to be great, i.e., recent history should be weighed, except in CC’s case unless you have a medical scale. Anyway, here’s some 2nd half fantasy baseball pitchers for 2011:
CC Sabathia – 1.56 ERA in 2008′s 2nd half to lead the league for pitchers over 60 innings. He was ranked 7th for 2nd half ERA in 2007 with a 2.76. In 2009, Chubb rock’d a 2.74 ERA, the 9th best in the majors. Though last year his ERA went up a smidge in the 2nd half to 3.29. Though, Part II: The Return of Though, that was better than his 3.52 career ERA. Though, Part III: Though Lives, all those innings on his arm could catch up to him. Though, Part IV: Though Part Three Confused Me, the innings have shown no sign of catching up to him, why would they suddenly? Though, Part V: Why Do They Keep Making Thoughs?
Roy Oswalt – Except for 2009, he’s had great 2nd halfs… Yet, I worry about his injury this year. And that yet needs a crane to get out of bed.
Wandy Rodriguez – Since 2008, his post-All-Star break ERA is 3.80. 2nd half ERA is 2.86. Though he wasn’t good at all going into the All-Star break. Damn, those thoughs (stutterer!).
Clay Buchholz – Had a 2.20 ERA in the 2nd half last year. Though (again!) with his injury, I’d proceed cautiously. You, not him.
Bronson Arroyo – I’d prefer to listen to him cover Sarah McLachlan at the latest incarnation of Lilith Fair than own him in the 1st half of a season, but every year Guitar Arroyo is better in the 2nd half. Over the last three years, his ERA is almost 2 runs lower (5.08 to 3.09).
Scott Baker – Man (or two lady readers), is everyone that is usually good in the 2nd half coming off of injury currently injured? It’s kinda rhetorical, so, ya know, no need to answer. I wouldn’t rush out and trade for Baker, but he is only supposed to miss one more start.
Carlos Zambrano – I hate when I do these posts and it doesn’t work out the way I envision it. Big Z was great last year (1.58 ERA), but he’s all over the place from minute-to-minute, let alone year-to-year. He wasn’t good in his last start and, if he showed at Wrigley wearing a Gatorade cooler as a barrel dress and Michael Barrett’s head on the end of a tiki torch, it would surprise no one.
Dan Uggla has now homered in two straight games, but, more importantly, he has two other hits in those games, making him hotter than a junebug on a duck’s back or some other yokelism they say in The South. That’s at least compared to how he looked like Rocky Dennis on all his swings prior to this week. That’s if Rocky Dennis wore Affliction. “Yo, yo, yo, whaddup, boss? Get another round of Flaming Nads for my lady friends!” That’s Dan Uggla at Senor Frog’s. (BTW, it looks like the 3rd Giambi brother in the background of that Uggla picture.) I don’t think Uggla can get his average much higher than .230, but he’s still more than capable of getting to 30 homers. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jair Jurrjens – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks as he continues to defy his FIP. BTW, if you were in a fantasy league with Murray Chass, you’d be getting your ass handed to you. “Hey, Grey, I just traded Alexi Ogando to Murray Chass!” That’s you two months before you’re throwing darts at a board with my picture.
Joe Mauer – It’s being said that he will start at 1st on Thursday after he sat out yesterday with general soreness. Does General Soreness report to Major Discomfort?
Francisco Liriano – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks. First, he strung together a month of such terrible starts, you were forced to bench him… When he threw a no-hitter. Then you have to put him back in your lineup and he looks awful again. So you bench him and he turns in another gem. Then he goes to the DL and returns with a nice start that you bench him for because you weren’t sure if he was healthy. Finally, you roll him out there and he pitches terrible again. You bench him and he’s great. You start him and he’s awful. You bench him, and he shows up at your house with pictures of him and your mother having sex. By my rough calculations, I’ve been sonavabenched by him 6 times and have an ERA of over 15.00 for when I’ve started him. Liriano and I are done, finished, synonym. I never want to see him on my team again.
Joe Nathan – Gardenhire, which is what I need to cut the ivy on my building, said that Nathan would’ve got the ball in the ninth if there was a save opportunity. Then he said Capps is still the closer. I think he just wanted to see some double takes.
Bronson Arroyo – 6 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks. He said that he woke up Monday with vertigo. This was almost as bad as when he woke up with The Man Who Knew Too Much.
Jay Bruce – Hit his 19th homer after going to Barbados for the better part of June. Nice to see you return, Bruce.
Michael Young – Hitting .328 after going 9 for his last 12. The Rangers DH slot is like the fountain of youth (see Vlad from last year, Sammy Sosa in 2007). They should adopt Hafner. Just give him Kevin Mench’s old hat.
Mike Napoli – 1-for-4 with his 11th homer as he triggers a dozen “Should I pick up Napoli?” questions.
Jose Reyes – Remained out of the lineup with a bad case of “If I get injured more severely then kiss my big offseason contract goodbye and hello a short contract with the godforsaken Mets.” He says he’ll return Thursday.
Placido Polanco – Out until at least this weekend with a pinched nerve in his back. I’m guessing he’s gonna need a 15-day DL stint, but I’m not a doctor though I did fall asleep while watching a Scrubs rerun last night.
John Mayberry – 2-for-4 with 2 homers. Aunt Bee would be proud.
Ryan Braun – His MRI showed some inflammation in his calf. He should return on Friday. Not sure how Sandy Koufax would feel about him returning on Shabbos, especially if he’s going to be sacrificing a calf.
Casey McGehee – Came in as a pinch-hitter after being benched for the 2nd time in 4 games and hit a 3-run HR. At least I think it was McGehee, but the Chorizo from the 7th inning stretch race was conspicuously absent from all post-game press conferences. I said about a week or so ago I think McGehee can turn his season around to a certain extent. Though that “to a certain extent” is sitting on the fence between yay and meh.
Yovani Gallardo – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks. After his June 4th start, he had a 3.72 ERA and now his ERA is 3.76. See, he’s consistent! /sarcasm
Kelly Johnson – 1-for-3 with his 15th home run to go along with his .217 AVG and .298 OBP. And 100 strikeouts. Kelly Johnson, Dan Uggla, and Aaron Hill should create a white-soul group entitled 2B3K.
Mark Trumbo – Hit his 14th home run yesterday. Ready to have your mind blown? He’s on pace for 25 homers and 14 steals. Youkilis has 12 homers and 1 steal.
Lonnie Chisenhall – Hit his 1st major league HR. It’s the first HR by a Lonnie since Lonnie Smith in 1993 and the first HR ever by a Chisenhall. Suck it, all you other ball-playin’ Chisenhalls!
Jon Jay – Didn’t start, but The Federalist entered the game and homered off CoCo Cordero in the ninth to tie the game. Jon Jay really banged the gavel on that one.
Anibal Sanchez – 4 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners in his 2nd straight bad start. Hard to get too scared since those starts were @TEX and against PHI. Easy to get scared if he added a C or H in front of his first name.
Jacoby Ellsbury – Got the slam & legs and now on pace for a 20 HR/55 SB year. Just what the Red Sox were expecting when they invested $140 million on him in free agency. Oh wait, they gave that money to Carl Crawford who is on pace for a 12/18 year. I’d say Carl owes Jacoby a Sam Adams or two but I can’t see them hanging out. Maybe if Jacoby was named Lenny or if Crawford was named Meyers.
Guillermo Moscoso – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks against the Mariners. He’s thrown a 2.25 ERA over his last 40 IP which netted one win thanks to the A’s un-A lineup. That’s far from so-so, Moscoso! Rudy cashed in on this as an AL-only flier. But given his sad K-rate (27 K’s in 50 IP), he’s purely a matchup play in mixed league.
Ryan Zimmerman – 3-for-4 and his 4th homer. I don’t wanna say too much on his recent hot streak for fear of the stache jinx. Or stinx, if portmanteaus are your thing.
Danny Espinosa – 1-for-4 with his 16th home run and 10th steal. But the national spotlight is on Jeter?!
Aramis Ramirez – Another day, another homer. Did Sosa leave behind one of his rubber ball bats? Or ball shrinking needles?
Carlos Pena – Hit his 18th homer. I thought we just came out of one of his 8 homer in 12 game streaks. My man Pena is hungry!
Chase D’Arnaud – 1-for-3 and a steal. 13 games, 5 steals, 4 errors. He’s like Mat Gamel after seven Red Bulls. If it makes you feel better, I grabbed D’Arnaud in one league for steals.
Clint Barmes – This is a super low energy recommendation but he’s 4 for his last 8 with a homer and a steal.
Phil Hughes – 5 IP, 8 baserunners, 2 ER, 2 Ks in his first start back since his dead arm diaspora. Maybe his arm has gone from dead to just resting.
Johnny Damon – Will miss a few games with a left hand contusion. Don’t know why he doesn’t just play and throw with his right hand, probably same difference.
Evan Longoria – 3-for-5 with 1 HR and 4 RBIs after going 2 for his last 26. It’s that type of erratic behavior that led Tony Parker to cheat on him.
Vernon Wells – He said of his recent success swinging the bat, “Being comfortable in the box allows you to think about the most important thing, which is hitting the ball. When you’re out of sorts mechanically, you’re thinking about that in the box, and all of a sudden the ball is on top of you.” What type of sex does Vernon Wells have?
Wilson Betemit collided with Albert Pujols and… Why is Wilson Betemit playing?! He never plays. Doesn’t your Quad-A Beer Pong Tournament partner, Shelley Duncan, need you for a tourney? Manzo! (Which is my new favorite exclamation that means nothing.) Another tough break (strain?) for a high draft pick. You high draft picks remind me of my shoe closet — I got one penny and a bunch of loafers! (Thanks, Lil Penny.) Pujols supposedly only has a sprained wrist, but will be reevaluated on Monday. If it’s any more serious than a strain, I suggest Betemit enter the Witness Protection Program. Your deity of choice willing Pujols will be back on the field in a day or two. Luckily, Pujols has severed elbow tendons in the past and only missed one game. Manzo! Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Lance Berkman – Didn’t start on Sunday because his back and leg were “barking.” Sounds like someone has figured out how to appeal to La Russa’s PETA leniencies.
Carl Crawford – Heads to the 15 day DL with a hamstring injury. Manzo! Crawford is now starring in “Hammy Dearest.” Maybe J.D. Drew got in Crawford’s ear. Drew, “Do you know they pay you the same amount whether you play all the games or take 30 of them off? Muahahahaha…Hey, you gonna finish that kale smoothie?” The Sawx will turn to McDonald, Cameron and Reddick, which is enough to remove the pleats from Dan Shaughnessy’s dockers. The good news, if there is any good news — why must there always be bad news first? Why?! — the hamstring strain isn’t serious and Carl should be flapping his gums back on the field with the minimum time missed.
Brian Matusz – Left his start on Saturday with cramps. Must be that time of the month.
Francisco Liriano – 7 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 8 Ks. Of course you want slightly better vs. the Padres in the Hubert H. Homerfree Retrodome, but 8 Ks vs. 2 walks tells me he’s still headed in the right direction.
Aaron Hill – 1-for-4 with his 2nd home run this week. I’ll bestow on you a very lukewarm “Go ahead and pick him up if he’s on waivers, but I don’t think any major corner has been turned.” And that’s me bestowing on you!
Carlos Villanueva – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks. Chuck Newtown has a 3.17 ERA on the year, but that’s being buoyed by a solid run in middle relief earlier in the year. As a starter, he’s been just a’ight, which is less than a’ight and way off from a’ight a’ight. AL-Only leagues is about the only place I could see adding him for right now.
Bronson Arroyo – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks. Guess what time it is, ya’ll?! No, not 8:28 AM. I mean, it might be, but that’s not what I meant. It’s time to add Arroyo to your teams. In the last three years, his post-All-Star Break ERA is 3.09. Yup.
Brandon Lyon – To undergo season-ending surgery. If I said I was sad, I’d be Lyon. And, as we learned from Semisonic, every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end, so Melancon will take over the closer job. It’s closing time… BTW, if you’re at a bar where they play that at the end of the night, find a new place. However, if your girl suggested the bar, then consider yourself lucky, you got a good one.
Hunter Pence – Missed Saturday and Sunday’s games because of a sprained elbow. Sounds like he should be okay. Let’s hope so because I need him for my teams and I’m sure that’s his biggest concern right now.
Bud Norris – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks. Noob Hint Alert! If a guy has more strikeouts than innings, he’s good. When the pitcher is doing that and has a 3.26 ERA, he’s very good.
Ty Wigginton – 1-for-3 with a home run. When Wigginton hits one home run, what’s his over/under for homers for the week? I feel people in H2H leagues might want to know this. 3 homers this week? 4?
Wily Mo Peña – After hitting 21 home runs in something like 18 games in Triple-A, he’s getting called up this week to play DH. That’s the good news. Bad news is he’s not yet in Yahoo and by the time he’s added he may no longer be playing in the majors.
Vernon Wells – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 7th home run. He hit two home runs earlier this week, then everyone and my mother came out of the woodwork and said he’s a buy then he went 2-for-16 over his next 4 games then, to continue this run-on sentence, he hit a homer yesterday. At this point, you throw him in the pile of Carlos Lee, Carlos Beltran and Chipper Jones. There will be times of decent fantasy value but don’t field the entire 2003 All-Star team.
Tyler Chatwood – 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks. Besides having a last name that sounds like it would open up seven pop-up windows on your browser, he has way too many walks. Don’t bother with him, not worth the ulcer.
Brandon Belt – Had the cast removed from his left wrist. Inside, he found a metal hanger, a remote control and a coat check receipt.
Alex Rios – 1-for-4 with homers in back-to-back games. People kept asking in the comments if Rios would ever turn it around. Looks like he’s providing an answer.
Mike Stanton – Missed Saturday and Sunday’s game with an eye infection. My guess is Hanley farted on his pillow.
Chris Volstad – 7 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks. I highlighted him in the post the other day about pitchers who should be better. And he was better yesterday. See how that works?
Roger Bernadina – 3-for-4 with his 3rd home run in the last four games. The one game he didn’t go deep, he stole a base. In the last week, he’s hitting over .405, it’s Bernadina Bounty! He’s owned in less than 2% of all ESPN leagues. Sure, 95% of ESPN leagues are abandoned already, but it’s still too low. In 39 games, he has 4 homers and 10 steals. Over the course of the season, that’s better than that other guy you own. And him too.
Danny Espinosa – This weekend, 2 steals and a home run. Whatever, you don’t need that.
Clay Buchholz – To the DL with a lower back strain. Geez, lots of injuries this weekend. Reminds me of the time in 3rd grade when Little Joey Stanicky came to school with lice and knocked out half of our class with the head bugs.
Jair Jurrjens – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. Alexi Ogando (5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks) in a battle of the seemingly stoppable force meets an immovable xFIP, illustrating the Irresistible Sell High Paradox.
Hong-Chih Kuo – With his anxiety disorder at bay, he was activated from the DL. You think the Dodgers are gonna put him in a tie game in the ninth inning? Scully, “Kuo’s first pitch is a ball. Looks like he’s pulling a samurai sword out… The first samurai sword was used in the 13th century. Its popularity was fueled by the rise of close-combat warfare. Wow, and there goes Loney’s head… Did you know some animals can survive decapitation? A cockroach, for instance. Guess we can safely say Loney is not a cockroach.”
Javy Guerra – The last time the Dodgers had a closer, Kuo saw a pile of baby powder and thought it was Broxton dehydrated like in the original Batman movie. Hopefully things work out better this time. Three ladies and gentlemen, Guerra recorded a save!
Jesus Guzman – 1-for-4, utility man who sounds like a character actor was called up by the Padres and started over Rizzo vs. a lefty. (Liriano, “I have a name.”) Hopefully, the Padres don’t sit Rizzo vs. many lefties cause that could hurt his value.
Alcides Escobar – 2-for-3 with a home run. Prior to that, 5 steals in 6 games. Potatoes to chips, he could steal 40 bases.
Casey McGehee – 1-for-3, not much to say here other than to say there hasn’t been much to say all year with McGehee. Last year doesn’t look as fluky as this year is making it look. I think he will turn things around a bit, but he’s not giving you anything besides some occasional power, so if he’s a .260 hitter with 15 home runs, it’s really not that great anyway.
Shaun Marcum – Left Friday’s start with hip inflammation. He was throwing butter with the ‘er’ up until this point in the season, so hopefully this isn’t that big of a setback. If you want, touch your computer screen with your hand and we’ll hold hands hoping Marcum can bounce back quick… Did you just put your nuts on the screen hoping I’d hold them? So juvenile.
It’s back again, but this time for longer. No, you won’t need any ointment, it’s just interleague play. It starts at the tail end of this week and continues into week 12. I am still not a fan for fantasy porpoises. (That’s a league of dolphins called Hard to the Albacore, in case you were wondering.) Interleague messes up everything; lineups, in game situations and my ability to conjugate verbs. So be careful when setting your lineups this week, certain players will lose at bats, causing them to lose a little value. On the other hand, pitching gains some value. As they face teams that never have seen them before or just not as frequent. So grabbing an extra relief pitcher or spot starter makes a lot of sense to me. So good luck this week as you peruse the week 11 low end pitching options for fantasy baseball. (Please keep in mind that match-ups and pitchers may change.)
ONE START OPTIONS:
6/15
Mark Buerhle @ Min – Blackburn
Charlie Morton @ Hou – Happ
Joe Saunders vs. SF – Bumgarner
6/16
Mike Minor vs. NYM – Dickey
Ryan Vogelsong @ Ari – Kennedy
Jeff Francis vs. Oak – Godfrey
6/17
Scott Baker vs. SD – Richard
John Lannan vs. Bal – Matusz
Kevibn Correia PIT @ Cle – Tomlin
Randy Wolf (@CHC vs. Dempster, @Bos vs. Lester) Unfortunately, road ERA is higher, that and he faces the demon known as the Red Sox lineup. Last five starts 1-0 with a 2.58 ERA. I still reminisce of the days when fans used to wear wolf masks and do a semi-Thriller inspired dance in Philly.
Carlos Carrasco (@NYY vs. Burnett, Pit vs. Maholm) Comes off the stellar start vs. the Triple-A team in Minnesota. ERA 2 runs lower on the road. Innings he needs to build, good stretch I see in his future. Thanks, Yoda.
Josh Outman (KC vs. Duffy, SF vs. Cain) Seems like Oakland has a series of plug and play pitchers that keep them in games. Low K potential. The Coliseum helps anyone outperform because of its wasted space, which is getting its own home and garden show.
Alex Cobb (@Det vs. Coke, Fla vs. Nolasco) Stays in rotation, for now, until Niemann is better from his boo-boo. Never going to be an ace, but should be a decent fill-in guy for AL only or deep leagues in the future. Needs to stop with the free passes to be effective.
Mike Pelfrey (@Pit vs. Maholm, Ana vs. Chatwood) Previously lambasted by the Buccos. Is usually aided by the confines of Flushing. Gives up way too many hits to be a consistent fantasy contributor. Based on match-ups it’s worth a shot.
Aaron Cook (SD vs. Moseley, Det vs. Verlander) Lunch pail, deep end of the pool pitcher. Only desperation and a start at Petco make him special. Well, what do ya know? He has neither this week. If he really is a cook, then thousands die from food poisoning.
Carlos Villanueva (Bal vs. Britton, @Cin vs. Arroyo) Chuck New House is still undefeated as a SP. Toronto has been killing the ball and last time I checked run support is important. LH batting .155 against.
Paul Maholm (NYM vs. Pelfrey, @Cle vs. Carrasco) A victim of fantasy unfairness. Run support. Still sports an ERA under 3.40 and only has 2 wins to show for his efforts. ERA at 2.45 at home and BAA is a low .223.
Jason Vargas (Ana vs. Haren, Phi vs. Hamels) Is on the cusp of fantasy legitimacy and then this week happens, 2 starts against two top ten pitchers. Previous mastery of Angels helps his cause for an add this week, Philly start makes me regret what I just typed.
Bronson Arroyo (@CHC vs. Dempster, Tor vs. Villanueva) Named after Charles Bronson, and all along I thought he was named after the “Perfect Strangers” guy, who knew? Falls into the same category as Wolf as guys who are always at the top of the waiver wire but are never on a team long.
Josh Collmenter ARI (SF vs. Cain, CHW vs. Floyd) His ERA is barely enough to buy an ice cream, 1.11. His numbers scream out luck, but why not take advantage of a good thing while it lasts; his pitching not the ice cream. Though I was thinking the same thing.
Corey Hart with 3 homers, 7 RBIs and a pair of sunglasses. Never surrender, Corey Hart! In short, you should grab him if he’s on waivers (80% owned in Yahoo). In shorter, grab him. In shortest, grab. He’s streaky like Bret Boone’s hair in the 90′s and this is obviously the start of a good one. If he’s not on waivers and someone else owns him, you bid him adieu, assuming you’re French. (I know how much the French are into fantasy baseball.) Just as I felt in the beginning of the year, I don’t think Hart comes anywhere near his 2010 stats. Très bummer! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Stephen Strasburg – Threw off the mound for the first time. His fan club, the House of Strasburg, has time to launder their early-1900s, Austrian officer uniforms as their ordainment of St. Rasburg will probably have to wait until next year.
Drew Storen – 2/3 IP, 3 ER. Kazaam!
Howie Kendrick – Sat out for his 4th straight day with moans over his hammy. Sounds like he’s headed to the DL. Will update you as soon as I read about it somewhere else.
Mitchell Boggs – Sent to the minors. La Russa said, “I just cut 15% of Razzball’s Cardinal bullpen questions. You’re welcome, Grey. Now adopt a kitten.”
Nelson Cruz – 1-for-4 with a homer yesterday. He’s baaaaack! Which, for him, is better than “Oh, no, his baaaaack!”
Josh Hamilton – 2-for-4 with his first homer of the season in his return from the DL. Not to be the bee in your bonnet (say that fast 117 times!), but the Yin and Yang nature of the Rangers injuries means Kinsler will probably be hurt within a week now.
Alexi Ogando – 9 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks. Murray Chass called and said, “How’s that for a regression to his xFIP?”
Joe Blanton – Will get a second opinion on his elbow. Come on, there’s gotta be one Phillie fan out there that is crazy enough to go Dr. Rosenrosen on Blanton and pretend to be his doctor to shut him down for the year. Here’s your lines, “You’ve got a serious case of tennis elbow.” “But I don’t play tennis.” “I don’t blame you with that elbow.”
Chase Utley – 0-for-5 in his return as the Phils scored 10 runs. Ticker tease! Or is that ticker season?
Edinson Volquez – Sent to the minors. My ERA and WHIP sends its regards in the form of an extended middle finger.
Sam LeCure – Supposedly, he’ll take Volquez’s rotation spot when it comes up again on Friday. LeCure was walking around the clubhouse singing, “I don’t care if Monday’s blue, Tuesday’s gray and Wednesday too…”
Bronson Arroyo – 2 2/3 IP, 9 ER. Almost as bad as his guitar playing.
Jay Bruce – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs, hitting .282 with 12 homers. We haven’t had a “Grey is a prescient S.O.B.” in a few, so here ya go. Two weeks into the season, people wanted to drop Bruce because of his season-starting slump. Then a giant Gallagher hammer knocked me over the melon and I wrote the Bruce Buy post. (Oh, and Pedro Alvarez was a sell there, when he still had some modicum of value.)
Adam LaRoche – To the DL with a torn LaBrum. Take that, capitalization Gods! “YOU WILL FEEL OUR WRATH.” Uh-oh.
Tsuyoshi Nishioka – Will begin rehab this week. Oh, joy, I get to spell his name regularly again. If you’re hurting at MI (and, really, who isn’t?), I’d stash Nishioka now. He should return in about a week and a half.
Jim Thome – Hit two homers in the same game that Jack Cust hit a home run. With these guys going deep in the same game, it seems like this game should’ve been shown in black and white.
Matt Capps - 1 2/3 IP, 1 ER. The only thing worse than Capps recently has been Nathan. On a real baseball note, the Twins have been dreadful. Feels like the first time in a while they’re out of it this early. Oh, and the Indians have the best record in baseball. Zoinks!
Will Venable – Sent down by the Padres for underperformance. That’s hard to do with their offense. That’s like flunking out of the University of Phoenix. San Diego should move their AAA team to Tijuana. Then when you say, “He got sent down from San Diego,” it’s actually the truth.
Bartolo Colon – 6 IP, 6 ER. Sadly, I’m sure he took out a lot of innocent bystanders when he crashed back to earth.
Carlos Villanueva – 5 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks. I used to like Villanueva when he was on the Brewers. Decent K-rate, but he’s getting crazy lucky right now on the Blue Jays. Wouldn’t touch him outside of deep AL-Only leagues. BTW, his last name goes well with the tune, La Isla Bonita. Maybe Lady Gaga will write a song about him.
Jose Bautista – 1-for-3 with his 19th home run. In other news, I don’t know if water is wet or dry because Bautista has changed everything I know about the world.
Kenley Jansen – 2/3 IP, 3 ER and the blown save. Jansen was called on to close the game last night, and that’s where the good news ends. I’d continue to hold Guerrier for now if you’re desperate for saves. Yes, I’m praying I don’t have the audacity to pick up Mike MacDougal. (BTW, Audacity is on the map just above capacity.)
Asdrubal Cabrera – 3-for-4 with his 10th home run and 7th steal. You know there’s gonna be a baby boy this summer in Cleveland named Asdrubal. Then they can hang out with their five-year-old brother, Pronk.
Justin Masterson – 7 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks vs. the Red Sox. Sonavabench! If you had the nads (which isn’t related to Denard) to start him, you earned his stats.
Clay Buchholz – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks. Earth to Grey, he’s not sucking like you said he would. I know, Earth.
Dustin Pedroia – Fell hard going around 2nd base, but reports are saying he should be fine. If heart and grit were legs and arms, Pedroia would be an octopus and never would’ve fell.
Phil Coke – Left yesterday’s start with an ankle injury, and Furbush replaced him. First there was Coke, then there was Furbush. All that was missing was an Asian guy throwing firecrackers and you’d have Boogie Nights.
