Fantasy Baseball Advice

Hunter Pence has a patella tendon strain and won’t play until this weekend.  Though, more likely, he’s not playing much more in the regular season.  Don’t you love H2H leagues?  What I don’t understand is how you can fantasy baseball, which is a shizzload more intensive than fantasy football, then leave the end of the season up to luck like it’s fantasy football.  I enjoy my one or two H2H leagues, but only because I have ten roto leagues to offset the silly luck factor of H2H.  You draft a great team, then your first 5 round picks are sitting out in the finals of H2H?  Don’t tell me injuries happen in real baseball playoffs, so this simulates that.  Real baseball is played over 162 games, not week to week on who has, say, the most Holds.  So I like H2H, but don’t make as if its playoff system makes sense.  As for Pence, find someone else to fill in p to the ronto.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Todd Helton – Unlikely to return this season with back issues.  It’s probably because when he sits on his bottom, his back can go to the top of its slide.  Helton Skelton!

Eric Young Jr. – 2-for-4 with his 24th steal and 3rd steal in his last 4 games.  Sure, Rockies, now play Young like he’s a rookie scrub who you’re just feeling out, unsure if he can play in the majors.  I hate the Rockies.  Today I’m officially starting the trade Eric Young Jr. to the Twins Campaign.  Gardy will let Young play and run and the M in MI in MN stands for mess.  All money donated to the site will not go to the Eric Young Jr. to the Twins Campaign, but we can pretend it will.

Phil Hughes – Scratched from Wednesday’s start with back issues.  I hope he returned the favor to Brian Cashman.  That’s how the world works, Phil!

Robinson Cano – Hit his 12th HR in the 2nd half to go along with an AVG near .320.  Imagine how much better those stats would be if it weren’t for the HR Derby Win jinx!

Wandy Rodriguez – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  In case The Wandwagon isn’t mentioned next week, I just want to say with his 3.51 ERA and decent Ks (164 in 184 2/3 IP) he’s proven once again to be a serviceable fantasy starter without the flash.  You’re blue collar, Wandy, and for that I respect you.

Josh Beckett – 7 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Done in by two HRs by Mark Reynolds.  Maybe Godot had the scouting report on how to get him out.

Matt Garza – 9 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks.  It’s an extravaGarza!

Chase Headley – 0-for-2, 1 RBI and a sacrifice.  Oh yeah, baby, he’s back!

Anthony Bass – 5 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 1 K in Coors.  I’m seriously considering doing a weekly podcast next year and, if I do, the first order of business will be finding someone to compose a Hodgepadre song.  In related news, the Rockies are really phoning it in this September.

Tommy Hunter – Left his start with a strained groin.  Wouldn’t wanna be near his colander.

John Mayberry Jr. – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and a slam & legs.  Yes, the Phillies are phoning it in even worse than the Rockies, but the good thing about a team phoning it in is they’ll play guys like Mayberry every day.

Wilson Ramos – 3-for-3 with his 2nd homer in his last three games.  Okay, pop quiz, hotshot!  Who’s gonna be more valuable next year, Wilson Ramos or Jesus Montero?  Laughably obvious?  Or is it?

Brett Lawrie – Out for the year with a fractured finger.  First, House doesn’t win at the Emmys, now this.

Dan Haren – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Might miss his last start after being hit by a liner on the wrist.  His owners get pist.

Peter Bourjos – 3-for-4 with the slam & legs.  Now has 12 homers and 22 steals.  Next year he might be my number one “Get this guy in every league” guy.  Wouldn’t be surprised to see him get to 15 homers and 40 steals.  He’s gonna be Stubbs without the .240 average.

Vernon Wells – 2-for-5 with his 2nd homer in as many games.  Hey, all you need is a short term hot schmotato and at least I’m not recommending Derrek Lee.  Oh, wait, a second…

Derrek Lee – 3-for-4 with a homer.  Now has three homers in the last 8 days.  Grey’s recommending Derrek Lee again, there goes the neighborhood.

Ross Ohlendorf – 2 IP, 7 ER.  Now has given up 31 earned runs in 33 and a 1/3 innings with a 1.99 WHIP.  Swollendwarf!

Lucas Duda – Left yesterday’s game due to dizziness after crashing into the right field wall.  Forget about moving the fences in, the Mets should move the fences back.

Brent Morel – Hit his 4th homer in the last ten games.  Brent Morel is looking Septacular!

Ubaldo Jimenez – 7 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks.  This doesn’t have much to do with fantasy baseball (like Swollendwarf does), but does anyone else get the feeling that the Ubaldo deadline trade is gonna be one that the Indians look back on in ten years and regret?

Travis Hafner – 1-for-3 with his 2nd homer in as many games.  Pick him up and think about the fun you can have at the end of the season when someone looks at your roster and you have Derrek Lee, Vernon Wells and Hafner.  When they ask you how’d you win, you can freak them out by telling them it’s really 2006 and you hope Bob Barker hosts The Price Is Right forever.

Javier Vazquez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks.  I’m sure you’ll hear more about this when we go over our teams in the offseason, but after we inexplicably dropped Vazquez from our LABR team he’s put up 137 innings, 2.89 ERA, 1.02 WHIP, 9 Wins and 126 Ks.  Pretty much would’ve been leading our team from that point on.  He’s also been the topic of more discussion on IM between Rudy and I than maybe any other player.  Usually goes like this, “F**king Vazquez!”  “I know.”  “Seriously, f**k him!”  “I hate his face.”

Logan Morrison – 2-for-4 with his 2nd homer in the last three games.  He’s just lucky the minor league season is over so he can’t be demoted.

Bronson Arroyo – 9 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Oh, no, he’s endangering his Sigh Young chances!

Brandon Phillips – 3-for-4 with his 12th steal.  Yesterday, he said the Reds would not receive a “homeboy hookup” with his final contract.  Walt Jocketty volleyed back that he just wants to “pay a man his worth and keep it on the heezy.”  Phillips then replied through his translator, Barbara Billingsley, that, “The heezy is for sure, but Beezy needs to get the deezy or else he’s gonna Cherokee fade this piece.”

What a distracting week. Football comes in and trumps all of the trade deadline thunder, and I’m getting sick of seeing “Mr. Mackey” give football updates. If I have to explain that joke, then it really wasn’t that funny. So back to the sport that is actually being played. Trade deadline rumors are rampant, some pieces have been moved already, with some really interesting fantasy relevant moves to come. On a side note, for my money is there a better GM in baseball than AA in Toronto, he seems to always be a couple steps ahead of other GM’s. Any the who, enjoy the last 2 days of real baseball trading, hopefully the moves will be beneficial to your teams. Nothing sucks worse than losing a top 10 closer this late in the season, but such is life. Good luck on this week’s endeavors. (Please keep in mind that pitchers and match-ups change.)

ONE START OPTIONS:

8/3
Dillon Gee vs. Fla – Hensley
Josh Collmenter @ SF – Vogelsong
Ted Lilly @ SD – Stauffer

8/4
Brett Cecil @ Tb – Davis
Jason Marquis @ Col – Jiminez

8/5
Jeff Karstens vs. SD – Harang
Jake Westbrook @ Fla – Nolasco
Jeff Niemann vs. Oak – Moscoso
Mark Buehrle @ Min – Blackburn

Paul Maholm (CHC vs. Zambrano, SD vs. Moseley) Last five starts a very acceptable 3.12 ERA, home ERA on the year 2.37. You picking up what I’m putting down? Playoff hopes start with Maholm and end with the next dude. Pretty scary proposition.

Kevin Correia (CHC vs. Wells, SD vs. Luebke) I have been riding his roads starts like a saddle, now 2 home starts. Match-up wise it looks pretty favorable, it’s getting to be make or break week for the Pirates, raise the Jolly Roger.

Bronson Arroyo (@Hou vs. Norris, @CHC vs. Wells) I was sitting next to Chris De Burgh at a bar the other day and he started singing in honor of Bronson, sentimental stuff. I’m still looking for a useful fantasy tidbit, skip and come back later. Oh I got something, he is the clubhouse leader in negative WAR. Way to go.

Javier Vazquez (NYM vs. Pelfrey, StL vs. Carpenter) Last 4 starts have been better, fantasy-wise he is the roller coaster that someone died on, but we still want to ride it because we have heard before that it was cool.

Doug Fister (Oak vs. Cahill, @Ana vs. Santana) Reading his stats is like reading an obituary. It has a funny twist at the end of it though, he has 12 losses and is top 20 for SP in WAR.

John Lannan (Atl vs. Lowe, @Col vs. Cook) Last 10, 4-2 and a 3.17 ERA. Free passes are his undoing. Home ERA is 2 runs lower than road. The “You could do worse” starter of the week.

Mike Pelfrey (Fla vs. Vazquez, Atl vs. Jurrjens) Home ERA 3.35. Career low GO/AO. Which means he is giving up a ton of HR’s. Those my friends are ungood for fantasy.

Brian Duensing ( @Ana vs. Santana, CHW vs. Danks) Anyone else think that Santana gets killed in his first start after the no-no? Guess I’m the only one. 3-1 with a 3.50 ERA since July 1st.

Kyle Kendrick (@Col vs. Cook, @SF vs. Lincecum) Somewhere Joe Blanton is sobbing, saying “that should be me.” To me any Philly starter is worth the gamble. Yeah, I went out on a limb there I know. Since June 1st no starter ERA is above 3.70.

Cory Luebke (LAD vs. Kershaw, Pit vs. Correia) He and Moseley have started feeding their teammates Tex-Mex before each of their starts. No word on who supplies the TP. In a funny side note, he is related to Dick Luebke from the 60’s. Yeah, say it twice it’s funnier the second time. Take advantage of the Hodgepodgery.

Excellers is now a word because you added it to your dictionaries.  The other day I went over some 2nd half hitters.  Today, it’s time for everyone’s favorite 2nd half fantasy baseball pitchers.  Or maybe these won’t be your favorite pitchers.  These are decisions you have to make on your own.  I can walk you to the fantasy baseball water, I cannot drink it for you.  Similarly to hitters, players get in grooves or slumps.  So if a pitcher has been terrible for the last month, but showed flashes in the 2nd half of last year, he’s worth considering, but he’s not suddenly going to be great, i.e., recent history should be weighed, except in CC’s case unless you have a medical scale.  Anyway, here’s some 2nd half fantasy baseball pitchers for 2011:

CC Sabathia – 1.56 ERA in 2008′s 2nd half to lead the league for pitchers over 60 innings.  He was ranked 7th for 2nd half ERA in 2007 with a 2.76.  In 2009, Chubb rock’d a 2.74 ERA, the 9th best in the majors.  Though last year his ERA went up a smidge in the 2nd half to 3.29.  Though, Part II: The Return of Though, that was better than his 3.52 career ERA. Though, Part III: Though Lives, all those innings on his arm could catch up to him. Though, Part IV: Though Part Three Confused Me, the innings have shown no sign of catching up to him, why would they suddenly?  Though, Part V: Why Do They Keep Making Thoughs?

Roy Oswalt – Except for 2009, he’s had great 2nd halfs… Yet, I worry about his injury this year.  And that yet needs a crane to get out of bed.

Wandy Rodriguez – Since 2008, his post-All-Star break ERA is 3.80.  2nd half ERA is 2.86.  Though he wasn’t good at all going into the All-Star break.  Damn, those thoughs (stutterer!).

Clay Buchholz – Had a 2.20 ERA in the 2nd half last year.  Though (again!) with his injury, I’d proceed cautiously.  You, not him.

Bronson Arroyo – I’d prefer to listen to him cover Sarah McLachlan at the latest incarnation of Lilith Fair than own him in the 1st half of a season, but every year Guitar Arroyo is better in the 2nd half.  Over the last three years, his ERA is almost 2 runs lower (5.08 to 3.09).

Scott Baker – Man (or two lady readers), is everyone that is usually good in the 2nd half coming off of injury currently injured?  It’s kinda rhetorical, so, ya know, no need to answer.  I wouldn’t rush out and trade for Baker, but he is only supposed to miss one more start.

Carlos Zambrano – I hate when I do these posts and it doesn’t work out the way I envision it.  Big Z was great last year (1.58 ERA), but he’s all over the place from minute-to-minute, let alone year-to-year.  He wasn’t good in his last start and, if he showed at Wrigley wearing a Gatorade cooler as a barrel dress and Michael Barrett’s head on the end of a tiki torch, it would surprise no one.

Dan Uggla has now homered in two straight games, but, more importantly, he has two other hits in those games, making him hotter than a junebug on a duck’s back or some other yokelism they say in The South.  That’s at least compared to how he looked like Rocky Dennis on all his swings prior to this week.  That’s if Rocky Dennis wore Affliction.  “Yo, yo, yo, whaddup, boss?  Get another round of Flaming Nads for my lady friends!”  That’s Dan Uggla at Senor Frog’s.  (BTW, it looks like the 3rd Giambi brother in the background of that Uggla picture.)  I don’t think Uggla can get his average much higher than .230, but he’s still more than capable of getting to 30 homers.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jair Jurrjens – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks as he continues to defy his FIP.  BTW, if you were in a fantasy league with Murray Chass, you’d be getting your ass handed to you.  “Hey, Grey, I just traded Alexi Ogando to Murray Chass!”  That’s you two months before you’re throwing darts at a board with my picture.

Joe Mauer – It’s being said that he will start at 1st on Thursday after he sat out yesterday with general soreness.  Does General Soreness report to Major Discomfort?

Francisco Liriano – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks.  First, he strung together a month of such terrible starts, you were forced to bench him… When he threw a no-hitter.  Then you have to put him back in your lineup and he looks awful again.  So you bench him and he turns in another gem.  Then he goes to the DL and returns with a nice start that you bench him for because you weren’t sure if he was healthy.  Finally, you roll him out there and he pitches terrible again.  You bench him and he’s great.  You start him and he’s awful.  You bench him, and he shows up at your house with pictures of him and your mother having sex.  By my rough calculations, I’ve been sonavabenched by him 6 times and have an ERA of over 15.00 for when I’ve started him.  Liriano and I are done, finished, synonym.  I never want to see him on my team again.

Joe Nathan – Gardenhire, which is what I need to cut the ivy on my building, said that Nathan would’ve got the ball in the ninth if there was a save opportunity.  Then he said Capps is still the closer.  I think he just wanted to see some double takes.

Bronson Arroyo – 6 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks.  He said that he woke up Monday with vertigo.  This was almost as bad as when he woke up with The Man Who Knew Too Much.

Jay Bruce – Hit his 19th homer after going to Barbados for the better part of June.  Nice to see you return, Bruce.

Michael Young – Hitting .328 after going 9 for his last 12.  The Rangers DH slot is like the fountain of youth (see Vlad from last year, Sammy Sosa in 2007).  They should adopt Hafner.  Just give him Kevin Mench’s old hat.

Mike Napoli – 1-for-4 with his 11th homer as he triggers a dozen “Should I pick up Napoli?” questions.

Jose Reyes – Remained out of the lineup with a bad case of “If I get injured more severely then kiss my big offseason contract goodbye and hello a short contract with the godforsaken Mets.”  He says he’ll return Thursday.

Placido Polanco – Out until at least this weekend with a pinched nerve in his back.  I’m guessing he’s gonna need a 15-day DL stint, but I’m not a doctor though I did fall asleep while watching a Scrubs rerun last night.

John Mayberry – 2-for-4 with 2 homers.  Aunt Bee would be proud.

Ryan Braun – His MRI showed some inflammation in his calf.  He should return on Friday.  Not sure how Sandy Koufax would feel about him returning on Shabbos, especially if he’s going to be sacrificing a calf.

Casey McGehee – Came in as a pinch-hitter after being benched for the 2nd time in 4 games and hit a 3-run HR.  At least I think it was McGehee, but the Chorizo from the 7th inning stretch race was conspicuously absent from all post-game press conferences.  I said about a week or so ago I think McGehee can turn his season around to a certain extent.  Though that “to a certain extent” is sitting on the fence between yay and meh.

Yovani Gallardo – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  After his June 4th start, he had a 3.72 ERA and now his ERA is 3.76.  See, he’s consistent!  /sarcasm

Kelly Johnson – 1-for-3 with his 15th home run to go along with his .217 AVG and .298 OBP.  And 100 strikeouts.  Kelly Johnson, Dan Uggla, and Aaron Hill should create a white-soul group entitled 2B3K.

Mark Trumbo – Hit his 14th home run yesterday.  Ready to have your mind blown?  He’s on pace for 25 homers and 14 steals.  Youkilis has 12 homers and 1 steal.

Lonnie Chisenhall – Hit his 1st major league HR.  It’s the first HR by a Lonnie since Lonnie Smith in 1993 and the first HR ever by a Chisenhall.  Suck it, all you other ball-playin’ Chisenhalls!

Jon Jay – Didn’t start, but The Federalist entered the game and homered off CoCo Cordero in the ninth to tie the game.  Jon Jay really banged the gavel on that one.

Anibal Sanchez – 4 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners in his 2nd straight bad start.  Hard to get too scared since those starts were @TEX and against PHI.  Easy to get scared if he added a C or H in front of his first name.

Jacoby Ellsbury – Got the slam & legs and now on pace for a 20 HR/55 SB year.  Just what the Red Sox were expecting when they invested $140 million on him in free agency.  Oh wait, they gave that money to Carl Crawford who is on pace for a 12/18 year.  I’d say Carl owes Jacoby a Sam Adams or two but I can’t see them hanging out.  Maybe if Jacoby was named Lenny or if Crawford was named Meyers.

Guillermo Moscoso – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks against the Mariners.  He’s thrown a 2.25 ERA over his last 40 IP which netted one win thanks to the A’s un-A lineup.  That’s far from so-so, Moscoso!  Rudy cashed in on this as an AL-only flier.  But given his sad K-rate (27 K’s in 50 IP), he’s purely a matchup play in mixed league.

Ryan Zimmerman – 3-for-4 and his 4th homer.  I don’t wanna say too much on his recent hot streak for fear of the stache jinx.  Or stinx, if portmanteaus are your thing.

Danny Espinosa – 1-for-4 with his 16th home run and 10th steal.  But the national spotlight is on Jeter?!

Aramis Ramirez – Another day, another homer.  Did Sosa leave behind one of his rubber ball bats?  Or ball shrinking needles?

Carlos Pena – Hit his 18th homer.  I thought we just came out of one of his 8 homer in 12 game streaks.  My man Pena is hungry!

Chase D’Arnaud – 1-for-3 and a steal.  13 games, 5 steals, 4 errors.  He’s like Mat Gamel after seven Red Bulls.  If it makes you feel better, I grabbed D’Arnaud in one league for steals.

Clint Barmes – This is a super low energy recommendation but he’s 4 for his last 8 with a homer and a steal.

Phil Hughes – 5 IP, 8 baserunners, 2 ER, 2 Ks in his first start back since his dead arm diaspora.  Maybe his arm has gone from dead to just resting.

Johnny Damon – Will miss a few games with a left hand contusion.  Don’t know why he doesn’t just play and throw with his right hand, probably same difference.

Evan Longoria – 3-for-5 with 1 HR and 4 RBIs after going 2 for his last 26.  It’s that type of erratic behavior that led Tony Parker to cheat on him.

Vernon Wells – He said of his recent success swinging the bat, “Being comfortable in the box allows you to think about the most important thing, which is hitting the ball.  When you’re out of sorts mechanically, you’re thinking about that in the box, and all of a sudden the ball is on top of you.”  What type of sex does Vernon Wells have?

Wilson Betemit collided with Albert Pujols and… Why is Wilson Betemit playing?!  He never plays.  Doesn’t your Quad-A Beer Pong Tournament partner, Shelley Duncan, need you for a tourney?  Manzo!  (Which is my new favorite exclamation that means nothing.)  Another tough break (strain?) for a high draft pick.  You high draft picks remind me of my shoe closet — I got one penny and a bunch of loafers!  (Thanks, Lil Penny.)  Pujols supposedly only has a sprained wrist, but will be reevaluated on Monday.  If it’s any more serious than a strain, I suggest Betemit enter the Witness Protection Program.  Your deity of choice willing Pujols will be back on the field in a day or two.  Luckily, Pujols has severed elbow tendons in the past and only missed one game.  Manzo!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Lance Berkman – Didn’t start on Sunday because his back and leg were “barking.”  Sounds like someone has figured out how to appeal to La Russa’s PETA leniencies.

Carl Crawford – Heads to the 15 day DL with a hamstring injury.  Manzo!  Crawford is now starring in “Hammy Dearest.”  Maybe J.D. Drew got in Crawford’s ear.  Drew, “Do you know they pay you the same amount whether you play all the games or take 30 of them off? Muahahahaha…Hey, you gonna finish that kale smoothie?”  The Sawx will turn to McDonald, Cameron and Reddick, which is enough to remove the pleats from Dan Shaughnessy’s dockers.  The good news, if there is any good news — why must there always be bad news first?  Why?! — the hamstring strain isn’t serious and Carl should be flapping his gums back on the field with the minimum time missed.

Brian Matusz – Left his start on Saturday with cramps.  Must be that time of the month.

Francisco Liriano – 7 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Of course you want slightly better vs. the Padres in the Hubert H. Homerfree Retrodome, but 8 Ks vs. 2 walks tells me he’s still headed in the right direction.

Aaron Hill – 1-for-4 with his 2nd home run this week.  I’ll bestow on you a very lukewarm “Go ahead and pick him up if he’s on waivers, but I don’t think any major corner has been turned.”  And that’s me bestowing on you!

Carlos Villanueva – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Chuck Newtown has a 3.17 ERA on the year, but that’s being buoyed by a solid run in middle relief earlier in the year.  As a starter, he’s been just a’ight, which is less than a’ight and way off from a’ight a’ight.  AL-Only leagues is about the only place I could see adding him for right now.

Bronson Arroyo – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Guess what time it is, ya’ll?!  No, not 8:28 AM.  I mean, it might be, but that’s not what I meant.  It’s time to add Arroyo to your teams.  In the last three years, his post-All-Star Break ERA is 3.09.  Yup.

Brandon Lyon – To undergo season-ending surgery.  If I said I was sad, I’d be Lyon.  And, as we learned from Semisonic, every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end, so Melancon will take over the closer job.  It’s closing time… BTW, if you’re at a bar where they play that at the end of the night, find a new place.  However, if your girl suggested the bar, then consider yourself lucky, you got a good one.

Hunter Pence – Missed Saturday and Sunday’s games because of a sprained elbow.  Sounds like he should be okay.  Let’s hope so because I need him for my teams and I’m sure that’s his biggest concern right now.

Bud Norris – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Noob Hint Alert!  If a guy has more strikeouts than innings, he’s good.  When the pitcher is doing that and has a 3.26 ERA, he’s very good.

Ty Wigginton – 1-for-3 with a home run.  When Wigginton hits one home run, what’s his over/under for homers for the week?  I feel people in H2H leagues might want to know this.  3 homers this week?  4?

Wily Mo Peña – After hitting 21 home runs in something like 18 games in Triple-A, he’s getting called up this week to play DH.  That’s the good news.  Bad news is he’s not yet in Yahoo and by the time he’s added he may no longer be playing in the majors.

Vernon Wells – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 7th home run.  He hit two home runs earlier this week, then everyone and my mother came out of the woodwork and said he’s a buy then he went 2-for-16 over his next 4 games then, to continue this run-on sentence, he hit a homer yesterday.  At this point, you throw him in the pile of Carlos Lee, Carlos Beltran and Chipper Jones.  There will be times of decent fantasy value but don’t field the entire 2003 All-Star team.

Tyler Chatwood – 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Besides having a last name that sounds like it would open up seven pop-up windows on your browser, he has way too many walks.  Don’t bother with him, not worth the ulcer.

Brandon Belt – Had the cast removed from his left wrist.  Inside, he found a metal hanger, a remote control and a coat check receipt.

Alex Rios – 1-for-4 with homers in back-to-back games.  People kept asking in the comments if Rios would ever turn it around.  Looks like he’s providing an answer.

Mike Stanton – Missed Saturday and Sunday’s game with an eye infection.  My guess is Hanley farted on his pillow.

Chris Volstad – 7 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks.  I highlighted him in the post the other day about pitchers who should be better.  And he was better yesterday.  See how that works?

Roger Bernadina – 3-for-4 with his 3rd home run in the last four games.  The one game he didn’t go deep, he stole a base.  In the last week, he’s hitting over .405, it’s Bernadina Bounty!  He’s owned in less than 2% of all ESPN leagues.  Sure, 95% of ESPN leagues are abandoned already, but it’s still too low.  In 39 games, he has 4 homers and 10 steals.  Over the course of the season, that’s better than that other guy you own.  And him too.

Danny Espinosa – This weekend, 2 steals and a home run.  Whatever, you don’t need that.

Clay Buchholz – To the DL with a lower back strain.  Geez, lots of injuries this weekend.  Reminds me of the time in 3rd grade when Little Joey Stanicky came to school with lice and knocked out half of our class with the head bugs.

Jair Jurrjens – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. Alexi Ogando (5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks) in a battle of the seemingly stoppable force meets an immovable xFIP, illustrating the Irresistible Sell High Paradox.

Hong-Chih Kuo – With his anxiety disorder at bay, he was activated from the DL.  You think the Dodgers are gonna put him in a tie game in the ninth inning?  Scully, “Kuo’s first pitch is a ball.  Looks like he’s pulling a samurai sword out… The first samurai sword was used in the 13th century.  Its popularity was fueled by the rise of close-combat warfare.  Wow, and there goes Loney’s head… Did you know some animals can survive decapitation?   A cockroach, for instance.  Guess we can safely say Loney is not a cockroach.”

Javy Guerra – The last time the Dodgers had a closer, Kuo saw a pile of baby powder and thought it was Broxton dehydrated like in the original Batman movie.  Hopefully things work out better this time.  Three ladies and gentlemen, Guerra recorded a save!

Jesus Guzman – 1-for-4, utility man who sounds like a character actor was called up by the Padres and started over Rizzo vs. a lefty. (Liriano, “I have a name.”)  Hopefully, the Padres don’t sit Rizzo vs. many lefties cause that could hurt his value.

Alcides Escobar – 2-for-3 with a home run.  Prior to that, 5 steals in 6 games.  Potatoes to chips, he could steal 40 bases.

Casey McGehee – 1-for-3, not much to say here other than to say there hasn’t been much to say all year with McGehee.  Last year doesn’t look as fluky as this year is making it look.  I think he will turn things around a bit, but he’s not giving you anything besides some occasional power, so if he’s a .260 hitter with 15 home runs, it’s really not that great anyway.

Shaun Marcum – Left Friday’s start with hip inflammation.  He was throwing butter with the ‘er’ up until this point in the season, so hopefully this isn’t that big of a setback.  If you want, touch your computer screen with your hand and we’ll hold hands hoping Marcum can bounce back quick… Did you just put your nuts on the screen hoping I’d hold them?  So juvenile.