Oh, how we are going to miss Mariano Rivera. I’ve never owned him, but always wished I did. Personally, I’m a Yankee hater, but I always enjoyed watching him work his ninth inning magic like a smooth pick up artist. So now we are left without one of the greatest closers to ever play the game and a permanent fixture on the $12 salad menu. But like all things fantasy, we must move on and start prepping for next season by keeping our minds sharp and our cheat sheets easily accessible. The great mix up called free agency and the winter meetings are just a stones throw away and will hopefully give us some clarity into what comes next.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

You don’t have to only listen to Brewers games on the radio to be excited about Khris Davis. You also don’t have to only be excited about owning him for the possibility of verbally swindling another owner. “No, you verbally agreed to trade me Kershaw for Khris Davis. I don’t care if you thought it was that other guy. Besides, this Khris Davis has more homers very, very recently.” Same name chicanery is as old as the Bible. In 25 AD, a guy by the name of Jesus Krist showed up drunk to his job, soaking wet, and got a bye when he said he was practicing walking on water. Many years later, the Roman empire invaded Britain because of a prank call by Klaudius Seesir. For three years, Tori Spelling thought she married the guy from The Practice, only recently finding out it wasn’t Dylan McDermott but Dean McDermott, so you see this is nothing new. Neither is Khris Davis’s power. In the minors, he averaged a homer just about every fifth game, a practice he’s maintaining in the majors (makes him around a 30-homer guy). He now has four homers in the last nine games, and, while he’s hitting, I’d absolutely grab him for power in all leagues. Don’t let his name stop you. Yes, Chris with a K looks like a girl’s name, but it’s not his fault his parents let Roger Clemens name him. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

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First off, Jose Iglesias is gone. The less intelligent Red Sox fan screams bloody murder like Schilling’s sock, “But Julio Iglesias was batting .400 after ten games about two weeks ago! His name’s Julio, right? RIGHT?!” The intelligent Sawx fan screams, “Does this mean Xander Bogaerts is coming up?!” The drunk Sawx fan screams, “We’re fine with this trade no mahder what ‘cuz Jackie Bradley Jr. wok’d three times in his first game! I need more Sammy A!” The Sawx fan who doesn’t play fantasy says, “Um, what about Jake Peavy?” The Sawx fan who does play fantasy says, “His value doesn’t change with this trade, maybe a few more wins.” The drunk Sawx fan butts in, “I’m going to the packie, you wahnt anything?” The less intelligent Red Sox fan says, “I’ll take a packie of Pahl Mahls.” Then the drunk Sawx fan shakes his head, “Yah more stoned than Robert Parrish.” Then Will Middlebrooks says, “Hey, I could get called up instead of Bogaerts.” Then all the Sawx fans in unison say, “Shaddup!” So, Iglesias goes to the Tigers, which is a solid landing spot for him. He’s known for his defense, which puts his fantasy value at slim to anorexic, unless you have a Web Gems category in your league. He’ll act as insurance for when the steroid hammer drops on Jhonny Peralta. Avisail Garcia goes to the White Sox, and he’s a light hitting corner outfielder who will probably take over once Rios is moved. Bogaerts or Middlebrooks will take over shortly (or third basely) and I stashed Bogaerts immediately when I heard this trade go down. Finally, Peavy is who he is as the Sawx fan pointed out above. He doesn’t have substantial innings in Fenway in his career, but that doesn’t matter because they would’ve been against the Sawx. He’s a terrific addition in real life for Boston, but he’s a 3.70-ish, 8+ K-rate starter for fantasy, which is around a fantasy number three. Jake Peavy will definitely do better than Jack Pervy, who Rudy and I went to school with in Boston. He used to hang out with someone we named Tim Wackfield and you can imagine how we mangled Keith Foulke’s name. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Jose Veras was traded to the Tigers, which is bad news for Veras and potentially Joaquin Benoit. It’ll likely only be bad news for Veras’s owners. My guess is Benoit will hold the job with Veras setting him up, but I would hold Veras until the Tigers confirm that through usage. It’s also potentially bad news for anyone who picks up the Lastros potential replacement, Jose Cisnero. Too bad Jose “Set The Table For The Opposing Team” Mesa retired, it sounds like there’s a Jose revival. “I can get someone to cover for me selling scratch-off tickets.” That was Jose Mesa, holding a presser at his local 7-11. Since the newest name to get some fantasy value is Cisnero, let’s be like a cyclops with a monocle and take a closer look. He’s been awful. You’d be hard-pressed like overpriced juice to find someone who has been as bad recently that could be getting saves. Since June 26th (last ten appearances), he’s given up eight runs in 8 2/3 IP. In that time, he’s allowed nine walks, nine hits and one homer. Only thing he’s not allowed is a legitimate reason to be the closer other than he’s young and the Asstros might like to try him out for next year. Another option for saves in Houston is the guys the Astros just called up, Josh Zeid and Chia-Jen Lo. Both of which sound like background extras in the cantina scene in Star Wars. Both are unproven, so likely headed for the middle innings or to see Boba Fett. Finally, there’s Wesley Wright, who sounds like the third Wright brother — the one that was scared of heights. “We’re gonna need you to put your seat in the upright position.” “You know what? You and Wilbur have at it.” That was Wesley getting off the plane right before that maiden flight. Wright is more of a lefty specialist, so he might only see a handful of saves. Then again, this is the Lastros, and there may only be a handful of saves for anyone. All in all, or whatever clunky intro you want on this sentence, I’m glad someone else beat me to the punch grabbing Cisnero. I sense a Mitchell Boggs reprise in the works, which isn’t the same as The Mitchell Boggs Reprisal that the Geneva Convention commissioned after Boggs attacked fantasy owners ratios earlier this year. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

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Like Billy Joel, Alfonso Soriano is washed up and in a New York state of mind. Don’t tell A-Rod, Christie Brinkley is his type of gal. Soriano getting traded to the Yankees is the best news for him in some time. That’s the magical elixir calling to fantasy baseballers (<–my mom’s term!). Soriano will now revert back to his younger self — when he was still in his forties — and start mashing the ball, stealing bases and doing an extra springy hop when he catches fly balls. Playing for the Yankees is a youth tonic made of juniper berries and grounded-up mints Steinbrenner hoarded from restaurants. There’s just an air about playing with other guys in their fifties that brings everything to life. It’s a real life Cocoon in the Bronx. Don Ameche will be played by Vernon Wells, Wilford Brimley will be played by Travis Hafner and Alfonso Soriano is Steve Guttenberg! Girardi might be the third youngest guy on the bench. Birth certificates are inconclusive. Or! Soriano is who he is at this point. This second scenario seems more likely. It’s not like Wrigley is a bad hitters’ park. Nothing’s gonna change for him in Yankee Stadium. He could hit a few homers, give you a .260 average and throw out his hip at a moment’s notice. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Wow. Dot, dot, dot. I mean, WOW. Dot, dot, dot. Pause for reaction. WOW. Wow. WOW. Stunned silence. I mean, we all knew the suspension was coming, but everyone also figured he’d appeal it like Papa Smurf, you know, until he was blue in the face. The only explanation is the MLB had him dead to rights, which isn’t the same as an epitaph for a pigeon you feed instant rice; that’s dead to rice. Ryan Braun probably realized that 1) The Brewers aren’t going anywhere this year. 2) He’s injured. 3) There’s no three. With the suspension of the Jewish Braun by the Jewish Selig, Selig becomes the 1st Jew ever sanctioned by the Jewish Anti-Defamation League, but Selig received high marks from the Jewish Self-Deprecation League. “As Selig was suspending Braun, Bud also pointed out how he had to bring out his media-friendly toupee,” said Jewish Self-Deprecation League president, Yitz Steinberg. Mr. Steinberg added, “That kind of self-deprecation is hard to pull off.” Obviously, Braun is droppable in all redraft leagues, and, if you’re holding onto an expensive Braun in keepers, I’d look to drop him there too, if I needed the room. The good news is you can find off of waivers what Braun has been giving you thus far this year. The bad news, now they have to add an asterisk to the Famous Jewish Athlete pamphlet. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

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First, Erasmo returns for our rookie nookie needs, then Adam Eaton is called up to see if owning rookies can be better than Viagra. They can. I asked your grandpa. What? We talk. Adam Eaton has that built in ability to…Ugh, I just started singing Invisible Touch in my head. Phil Collins, wherever you are, you’ve polluted my mind! I love Adam Eaton like a brother I never had and never wanted, but would hang out with if I had time between telling Mom that he was wearing her clothes and doing a runway show in the living room. Eaton has 30-ish steal speed and 10-15 homer power over the course of a full season. Well, that full season went out the window with his injury, and now there’s a Native American crying because someone littered with Adam Eaton’s full season. In a half a season, he could still have a huge one. A Starling Marte-type half wouldn’t completely surprise me. That would be the absolute best case scenario. More likely, he’ll get 4-7 homers and 12-15 steals and be primed for a huge breakout next year. I’d still grab him in every single league because he’s got something you just can’t trust. Something mysterious. And now I’m falling, falling for him! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

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We at Razzball realize that exporting our views across the country has damaging consequences on the blogosphere. To help make amends, we are reaching out to leading team blogs and featuring their locally blogged answers to pressing 2013 fantasy baseball questions regarding their team. We feel this approach will be fresher, more sustainable, and require less energy consumption (for us anyway). The 2013 Astros Fantasy Baseball Preview comes courtesy James from Astros County.

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The World Baseball Classic news hit the wire first, “Team USA will add another first baseman; Team Yankees will add another leading doctor in the world of performance-enhancing drugs.” Team USA added Eric Hosmer, Team Yankees added a guy with a peach fuzz mustache, a B.U.M. equipment sweatshirt and red, white and blue Zubaz who goes by the name, Rick, and graduated Magna Cum Laude from the University of Phoenix. Team USA said that whole thing about Votto being a Canadian was total BS, Rick said he trained with Lance Armstrong. Team USA no longer has Mark Teixeira, neither does Team Yankees. But Rick’s got a plan. It worked for Lance Armstrong and A-Rod. Drink carrot milkshakes and inject horse semen. “These are my stallions.” That’s Rick overlooking his kingdom (a musty cellar with bad lightning). John C. Reilly is in talks to play him. So, if Te(i)x being hurt is a surprise to you, I wouldn’t want to see you when a cat jumps out of a closet. He will miss eight to ten weeks after hearing a pop in his wrist. He might miss more time. Right now, Cashman isn’t optimistic. I changed my Te(i)x projections and rankings in the top 20 1st basemen; I don’t foresee me drafting him anywhere. They’re no longer the Yankees, they’re now the Jankees. At first base, they’re looking at the craptastic Dan Johnson/Juan Rivera blahtoon or the more likely scenario of Youuuuuuuuuk moving to first and Nunez (and his razztastic defense) over at third. Will suck for any Jankee LHPs to have Pasta Diving Jeter and Errordo Nunez. Today, Mets fans are smiling. If you can’t beat them, pray they join you! Anyway, here’s what else I saw in spring training for fantasy baseball:

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Another week, another couple of awful performances from John Axford, who book-cased two perfect saves with blown saves against the Royals and Blue Jays. Coming into the season, Axford was one of the stronger closer options in the game, and was drafted behind only Craig Kimbrel, Mariano Rivera, Jonathan Papelbon, and Brian Wilson on average in preseason drafts. Please, blog, may I have some more?

Please, blog, may I have some more?