Fantasy Baseball Advice

Kendrys Morales was so busy running to the DMV to change his name that he will not be ready for the start of the season.  This will give Mark Trumbo an opportunity to get some April at-bats.  You say ho-hum, I say ho-hmm.  Did you see what I did there?  DID YOU!?  Yeah, I’m not sure either.  Trumbo hit 36 home runs in 139 Triple-A games last year.  Sure, that was in the PCL which is like hitting on the moon with an aluminum bat.  Still, 36 homers is nothing to sneeze at unless you’re allergic to power, upside rookies.  In most mixed leagues, Trumbo’s not worth stashing.  But in deeper leagues, I’d absolutely take a flyer that Kendrys has a few more setbacks.  I mean, it’s already taken him way too long to recover.  Who knows?  Maybe Trumbo will Pipp Kendry and mash his way into a regular job.  BTW, with the switch from Kendry to Kendrys, it seems like the “s” that Alexis Rios dropped when he switched to Alex has finally appeared.  Be interesting to see where the “i” shows up at.  I’m guessing there’s going to be a new San Fran outfielder, Cody Rossi.  Anyway, here’s what else is going on in fantasy baseball:

Scott Downs – Broke his toe.  Downs goes… Um, Downs.

Scott Hairston – Sticking with the newly established Scott theme, Beltran is going to start the year on the disabled list.  It’s not official.  I’m Cust kayin’ here.  Right now, I’d put Beltran’s over/under for games played at 100.  So who do the Mets go to, Scott Hairston, Lucas Duda or Willie Harris?  Is this even a question?  In NL-Only leagues, I’d take a flyer on Hairston for a cheap 10/10 season.

Nyjer Morgan – Riggleman is proving himself to be an enemy of fantasy baseballers (<–my mom’s term!).  In center field, he’s leaning towards starting Rick Ankiel with Roger Bernadina backing him up and Nyjer headed to the minors.  That arrangement is the new blech.  At least Nyjer has steals and Bernandina has 15/20 upside.  Ankiel is a high-teen power, terrible average guy.  He’s useless in just about all leagues.  Nyjer has no one to throw a ball at here but himself since he’s currently not hitting well in spring training.

Brian Roberts – Says his back feels great.  I say wait two weeks until his back no longer feels great.

Billy Butler – Did I say pitchers…I meant platters.

Kevin Millwood – You know the gag in Hall Pass where an unattractive girl surrounds herself with lesser attractive girls to make herself look better?  Okay, now picture that when you hear the news that the Yankees went to watch Kevin Millwood pitch then went back and watched Bartolo Colon.

Will Rhymes – Will start the season at 2nd base for the always-injured Carlos Guillen.  Rhymes had 22 steals in the minors last year in 95 games and zero in 54 major league games.  It’s rhyming and stealing!  Not rhyming and sitting on first!  In AL-Only leagues, I’d take a flyer on Rhymes for some SAGNOF.

Andrew Bailey – Dr. Freeze put Bailey on ice until his forearm feels better.  I.e., no one has any idea when Bailey will be healthy.  I’m guessing he’ll save some games from mid-April to mid-May then hit the DL.

Jake Peavy – Sent a text message to the Chicago Tribune that he’ll be able to resume pitching again on Thursday.  He then challenged the beat writer to a game of Words With Friends.

Danny Espinosa – Should be fine after sustaining a bruised foot, which isn’t half as delicious as a braised foot.

Jason Heyward – Turns out his back is sore because he has less cartilage between discs than the average person.  See, nothing about Heyward is average!  Yeah, that sounds bad but don’t think it’s going to be a real problem for a few years.  Not sure why they couldn’t harvest some cartilage from someone else.  Jeff Francoeur, “It’s so great to see some of my old friends in Spring Training…. Yeah, of course I’m open for a deep tissue massage.”  Then the Braves trainer cackles maniacally.

Tommy John surgery, Dr. Freeze, Adam Wainwright.  Words you just don’t want to hear.  Okay, not Dr. Freeze as much unless you only get your news from Razzball, which I’m fine with but you may walk around calling people schmohawks and telling your girlfriend her meatloaf was kinda yawnstipating.  Rudy totally called this one! (Just a fraction too early, like 12 months.)  Obviously, this is terrible news for Wainwright owners (and kinda Wainwright himself).  If you are drafting right now, assume Wainwright will miss lots of time, if not the whole season.  I plan on moving Wainwright to the end of the top 80 starters.  I wouldn’t draft Wainwright in any league.  I also don’t believe in this, “Ooh, I’ll draft Wainwright for a dollar and sit him on my bench for a year in keepers.”  You’re using a bench spot that is critical to winning this year, which everyone should be trying to do.  Anyway, here’s some more fantasy baseball news:

Cliff Lee – Strained ab muscle.  He is like an apple.  The only thing that leaves a bad taste in your mouth is his core.  Word on the streets is he’ll be fine.  Going too high in drafts for me to take him anyway, so there’s that.

Corey Hart – Said on Monday that he played 2010 without contacts.  You’d think the Brewers could spring for some prescription sunglasses for night games.

Neftali Feliz – The Rangers are stretching him out to see if he can move into the rotation.  If it happens, he would immediately be in the top 40 starters, right behind Marcum in the tier, “I kinda love these guys.”  I’m not completely convinced it is going to happen as Ron Washington has said he likes Feliz getting the final three outs.  Also, it could be one of those shituations where Feliz looks great in the rotation and Mark Lowe is the closer for three days, gets rocked and Feliz is the closer again.  The good thing about this is if you draft Feliz, he’ll have value wherever he ends up.

Vicente Padilla – His forearm didn’t say it was a forearm before it grabbed his nerve and now his nerve has a case of entrapment.  Or something.  Grey no doctor.  Padilla does need elbow surgery, but he shouldn’t have been drafted in any leagues in the first place.  BTW, Padilla before the elbow pain.  Padilla after the elbow pain.

Matt Kemp – Reports say he dropped 15 pounds in the offseason.  I thought Rihanna weighed at least a couple more pounds than that.

Brian Roberts – Going for X-rays on his neck.  Blech.  Do me a favor and don’t draft him.  He’s like Mr. Glass brittle.

Alfredo Simon – There’s no plan right now to exonerate Simon in manslaughter charges.  It’s Oriole profiling.  This pattern goes all the way back to Ben McDonald when he was accused of using his right hand to fondle three men’s testicles at the same time at a Sandals resort.

Francisco Liriano – Threw a bullpen session on Tuesday after complaining of some shoulder tightness last week.  I’m staying cautiously optimistic about Liriano, thinking that if you drafted him last week right after the shoulder tightness news came out you might’ve got yourself a bit of a discount.

Nick Punto – Out 8-12 weeks with a sports hernia.  Calling his hernia a ‘sports’ hernia is both a literal and figurative stretch.

Yesterday, Joey Votto went 2-for-4 with his 34th homer and 14th steal.  Tomorrow, the MVP.  He didn’t have the biggest offensive day for all hitters yesterday, but he’s getting the lead today.  Wanna know why?  Cause I’ve been shot by Cupid and I love Joey Votto.  True story, I walked into an ice cream parlor and asked for a Joey Votto.  The guy behind the counter said, “I don’t know what you mean.”  I punched him in his mouth.  Here’s what I said last December, “If Votto continues to progress, you’re looking at a guy that could easily give you 32 homers, 10 steals and a .300 average.  Want more?  If you buy into Joey Votto for 2010, I’ll also throw in a climbing walk rate and OPS for absolutely free!  Don’t want it?  Who cares, it’s free!”  And that’s me quoting me!  Finally, know who I’m probably not going to be able to afford in 2011 drafts?  Votto, my love!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jay Bruce – 3-for-4, 2 Runs, 4 RBIs and 2 homers as he lives up to his Septacular reputation.  Last September, he hit 4 homers and .353 in only 34 ABs after not hitting above .258 in any other month.  Had 7 homers in September of 2008.  Play Bruce in the Venezuelan Winter League and he’ll win an MVP.

Derek Lowe – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 12 Ks.  Probably should’ve been the lead today with the game he threw yesterday.  Eh, he’ll get over it.  BTW, ever notice Lowe’s slogan is Let’s Build Something Together and Home Depot’s slogan is There’s Really Cheap Laborers In Our Parking Lot?

CC Sabathia – 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks.  On the front page of MLB’s ESPN coverage it said something like CC was chasing F-Her for the Cy Young.  Someone besides Keith Law is voting for a guy with 11 wins?  It would be progress, my hopes aren’t high.

James McDonald – 8 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Nothing like pitching vs. the Mess in Metco to help a guy realize his potential.

Dillon Gee – 6 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Yeah, still can’t recommend him.  Was hit too hard in Triple-A for me to trust him this time of year.

Joe Blanton – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks.  He gets the Nats on Sunday.  Could be a game changer for those in H2H leagues.

Jayson Werth – 2-for-4 with his 21st homer.  Assuming he stays in Philly, he’ll be undervalued next year because of a wonky RBI year he’s having.  He’s hitting .098 with men in scoring position and two outs.  That’s just fluky.  If he plays somewhere else next year, all bets are off.  Imagine he ends up in Petco.  That gets The Gas Face.

Brett Myers – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks.  I was actually able to pick him up in one league on Sunday.  He has a 2.85 ERA on the year and he’s on waivers in a league with ‘perts.  Makes little sense.

Matt Lindstrom – Got the save yesterday with Lyon pitching the previous 4 days.  I don’t think it’s anything more than that but — and there’s always a but unless you’re an alien — Lyon did get hit the other day.  They could share some saves down the stretch.

Chris Narveson – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks.  He had a 2.48 ERA post-All-Star Break last year in 36 1/3 IP, most of which was in September.

Coco Crisp – 1-for-4 with 2 steals.  Gotta love a guy who gets more steals than the times he’s on base.  I can’t wait for the epilogue of Moneyball: The Movie when the white letters fade up over a black screen and reads, “Or throw out everything that came before this and steal some bases…”  BTW, you know how you look up something in Google and end up on a 3 hour odyssey that always leaves you off in YouTube looking at funny kitten videos?  That’s what happened to me when I Googled “Moneyball” + Coco Crisp.  I knew he hadn’t appeared in the book (unless it was in the Acknowledgments where Lewis professed his love for the breakfast cereal).  I was trying to get a grasp on people’s current thoughts on Moneyball.  I think the emperor has no clothes, but I didn’t need Google to find out what I thought.  I just needed to bang my head against my wall until my brain started working.  If Michael Lewis wrote a book about me — say Razzballball:  The Art of Wasting Time — he could make me sound like a hero.  That’s how Michael Lewis do.

Brian Matusz – After being hit with a comebacker, Buck Showalter lifted Matusz from the game.  Weird, cause Showalter doesn’t even look that strong.  Matusz will be reevaluated today.

Brian Roberts – 2-for-4 until he was hit by a pitch and had to leave the game.  Balls 2, O’s Brians zero.  Roberts has actually been more productive than I thought he would in his return.  I’m not a huge fan of old guys who rely on their legs, but Roberts may be a steal in next year’s draft.  Pardon the pun, I’m lazy.

Evan Meek – Will get some save chances along with Hanrahanananan, according to John Russell, who is the Pirates manager, not the Christian name for a Jack Russell terrier.

Cory Luebke – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners, 5 Ks.  That might’ve just opened a nine foot, ten inch hole for Chris Young to walk through.

Ryan Kalish – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer in the last week (also has 2 steals) and is hitting around .350.  Took a bit for him to find his footing, but keep in mind that he’s a solid prospect with 20/20 ability over a full season.  Could be this year’s Rasmus next year, clear?

Jon Lester – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 12 Ks.  Now has 208 Ks in 190 IP.  *Grey drools*

Yunesky Maya – 6 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Maya culpa for even suggesting you watch this guy.  Know there’s something in that arm of his because of the success he had in Cuba, but right now you obviously can’t start him anywhere.

Nick Swisher – He pinch hit yesterday, but he’s supposed to have an MRI on his knee today and will probably be out at least a few games.  My guess is he won’t play until the weekend and even when he returns, he’ll probably be nursed like a big baby sucking on Billy Butler’s moobs.

Logan Morrison – 1-for-3 with his 2nd homer and has now reached base in 33 straight games.  Hello, I Love You.

Barry Enright – 3 IP, 5 ER.  About four starts ago, I said, “Don’t believe the magic, Enright’s getting by on smoke and mirrors.”  Therefore he doesn’t exist, so poof…vamoose son of a bitch!

David Price – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Was there any offense yesterday?  Why couldn’t all my hitters face Uncle Barry Enright?

Jaime Garcia – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Last game, he got sabotaged, shellshocked, rocked and ruled.  Day in the life of a fool.  Overall, really hard to be too down on a rookie who is still under a 3 ERA in September.

Albert Pujols – 0-for-3, admitted to elbow discomfort, but said, “There’s no DL in September.”  Though there is in calendar.

Francisco Rodriguez was arrested for assaulting his father-in-law.  That’s going to make for awkward holidays.  Or maybe they’ll skip Christmas and celebrate Boxing Day.  Fred Wilpon needs to put some rubber bands in his beard and get K-Rod and Tony “Shirtless” Bernazard into the squared circle.  During the fight, Johan was seen comforting K-Rod’s wife.  Johan, “She was looking for the changeup, and I went with the heater.”  K-Rod will probably miss a few games while he responds to attorney emails.  Oddly enough, K-Rod isn’t the easiest guy to handcuff.  His backups in no particular order:  Bobby Parnell, who I believe is the little black kid from Role Models, isn’t very good, Manny Acosta isn’t much better, Elmer Dessens is the guy who sells fresh corn on the side of the road when you’re driving through a rural town and Pedro Feliciano is related to Pedro Feliz, I think.  Frankly, I’d avoid the whole Mets mess.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Miguel Montero – Was a part of a back-to-back-to-back-to-back homer job with Adam LaRoche, Mini Donkey and Stephen Drew as they did work on Bush.  Hey, Googlers of back-to-back + Bush.  Betcha this isn’t the kind of fantasy site you were looking for, was it?  And for those that found us by Googling Donkey + Bush –> I’m kinda skeeved.

Daniel Hudson – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks.  I picked him up when he was traded into the NL with the expectation that I’d only own him for one start, but I haven’t seen one red flag yet.

Pat Burrell – 2-for-4 with his 2nd homer in ten games as he bats .357 this month.  It’s Pat the Bat and he’s swinging, ladies.

Andres Torres – 2-for-3 with two steals and has 4 steals in the last week.  He stops hitting homers; he starts stealing bases.  What’s not to love?

Cliff Lee – 6 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 11 Ks.  The Adverb now has 137 Ks and 9 BBs on the year.  Incredible Lee.

Brandon Lyon – 1 1/3 IP, 5 ER.  Why is God punishing me?  Was it the cat I kicked in college?  I was on shrooms and Mr. Wigglenose said, “Freakin’ furball,” but I thought I heard, “I’m a free kickball.”  After the cat landed, we laughed about the confusion.  Mr. Wigglenose forgave me, why want you?!  Why?!

Matt Lindstrom – Will be out for a few days with a sore back, which could turn into a longer absence.  Well, maybe Lyon’s not so bad.  Oh my God, I have a sickness for vulture saves.

Mike Stanton – 5-for-5, 2 Runs, 4 RBIs and his 11th homer.  Next year, you’re not going to be able to get anywhere near Stanton for a reasonable price so enjoy him now while you can.

Logan Morrison – 3-for-4 with 3 Runs.  Hitting .283 and zero homers in his first two weeks in the majors.  It’s okay; there’s time.  Power will come and, unlike Stanton, the average will be fine.

Ian Desmond – 2-for-5 with 2 homers.  Now has 9 homers and 12 steals on the year.  He’s going to end the year around 12 homers and 15 steals and suck me right back in again next year.

Ryan Raburn – 2-for-4 with his 2nd homer this week.  Ryan Raburn is soooo valuable– Wait, that’s Gene Raburn.  Raburn’s playing every day, has pop and he should have 2nd base eligibility in your league.  If he doesn’t, fire your commissioner.

Tommy Hanson – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. the Wandwagon (7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks) as it was Throwback To 2009 Day at The Juice Box.  Hanson hasn’t had a terrible game since June, so it might be a little late for this, but hopefully Hanson drops a few turds the rest of the way so he’s undervalued in 2011 drafts.  Could Hanson be better than Lincecum in 2011?  Discuss amongst yourselves.

Jerry Hairston Jr. – 2-for-4 and his 3rd homer in the last four games.  These guys don’t stay hot forever, but he’s hot right now.  Hairston was also my pickup for today’s short schedule.

Chris Denorfia – 2-for-3 with a steal.  Now batting .455 over the last week.  Another guy that could go cold any day now, but is hot right now.

Jhoulys Chacin – Potential to start on August 20th, depending on how well Esmil Rogers looks in his next start.  Esmil Rogers said, “Holy chicken mole, this is a lot of pressure.”

Carlos Quentin – 2-for-2 with a homer in his 2nd straight game.  Please stay hot and avoid injury.  That is all.

Brad Bergesen – 9 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. the Indians.  He strikes out less than 4 batters per 9 innings and he’s on a terrible team in a bad division.  In the offseason, Bergesen was hurt while filming a commercial.  See, he’s not good at pitching, in every sense of the word.

Brian Roberts – 3-for-4 with his 2nd homer in the last three games.  May be a surprising contributor for your H2H playoffs.

Adam Wainwright – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Right now, his line is 17-6/1.99/0.97/158.  Spectacular, even if Larry King and I both want to call him, Adam Wainwright III.

Colby Rasmus – 2-for-5 with a grand slam.  He’s more or less taken a dump since I put him in my Sell column about two months, but Colby’s a Survivor.  I’m going to be pushing hard to own Colby next year, but will have to see where he’s going to be drafted.  Right now, I’d say he’ll be drafted as a 3rd outfielder, but with a hot finish or a crazy Spring Training he could get drafted as a 2nd outfielder and become a bit too expensive.  Though a 30/15 year in 2011 doesn’t seem too far of a stretch.

Chris Carter – 0 for his first 9 in the bigs.  It’s tempting to say screw it and drop him, but I’d give him a week in redraft leagues.

Jon Niese – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks.  I thought he was hitting a wall, but now I think he might’ve just been showing a blip on the radar.  Definitely worth owning again.

Jered Weaver – 8 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 11 Ks to extend his major league lead in Ks to 182 (in only 163 IP).  All of this while resembling the female gym teacher in your high school.

Clay Buchholz – 8 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, a 2.49 ERA and a Cainian ERA to xFIP difference.

Bill Hall – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs with 2 homers.  Guess how many homers he has on the year.  Go ahead, I’ll wait.  *taps finger, scratches head, swigs from a bottle of Night Train*  15 homers!  What?  Is that only insane to me?

Mike Lowell – 3-for-4, a day after hitting a homer.  He’s in a good position to succeed for about a month if his body holds up.

Ross Gload – To the DL with a right groin strain.  Until Howard returns, the area around 1st base will be Sweeney *pinkie to mouth* sod.

Chad Billingsley – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks vs. Roy Oswalt who went 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks as I got the dreaded double sonavabench!

Matt Kemp – Didn’t start again in one of the easiest parks to hit in.  Does Torre think he’s Steve Kemp?  Did Kemp make fun of Torre for picking his nose?  Does Torre keep playing Gibbons as an homage to Jane Goodall?

Thumb up the jam, thumb it up!  While your feet are stompin’!  Sorry, hard to stop that once I start.  Kevin Youkilis was placed on the 15-day DL with his jammed thumb.  Thumb up the jam, thumb it up!  Youkilis was diagnosed with a tear of the muscle that helps contract the thumb.  It’s a rare injury.  Hey, maybe they can name it after him.  Careful, brah, you’re gonna give yourself The Youk Thumb!  Sounds like Youk won’t be rating movies anytime soon.  If the injury is exacerbated, it could be career threatening.  DL him for now while you wait for more news, but I wouldn’t be surprised if Youk’s not back for a while, if at all this year.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Mike Lowell – Started at 1st base for the Red Sox and hit a homer.  Last August, Lowell put up 14/5/15/.319 numbers, which is pretty much what you could’ve expected from Youuuuuuuk.  There’s no guarantee Lowell has that month again, but if you’re really hurting for a corner man, there ya go.

Ryan Kalish – 2-for-3 and now batting .500 since his call-up.  He showed a little bit of everything in the minors this year — 13 homers/25 steals.  The nice thing is he shouldn’t kill you like most rookies because he has a good eye.  Also, he spoiled Perez Hilton’s favorite descriptor for a pitcher who K’s a lot of batters, e.g., “Stephen Strasburg – he’s K-lish!”

Josh Beckett – 8 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks until he was ejected for going after Tackleberry.   Not sure who Red State Jeter was trying to impress but you don’t yell at Shelley Duncan.  He will high five you in your head.

Jacoby Ellsbury – Hallelujahs!  D’Ellsbury is ditching the D and returning.  He’ll be back today.

Ryan Howard – To the DL with sprained ligaments in his left ankle.  Alas, the big man’s out.  Stupid Phillies infield and their stupid infieluenza epidemic.

John Mayberry – Was recalled to take Howard’s place.  He’s about the only one that can fit into Howard’s spot without it looking too big on him.  Mayberry’s a hacker with power.  I’d look at him in NL-Only leagues, but not in mixed leagues until we see how much playing time he gets.

Peter Bourjos – Was called up by the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim.  His name makes him sound like he should be a hockey bruiser, right?  Then again, everything I know about hockey I learned from Sega.  Bourjos stole 50 bases in 2008, 32 in 2009 and 27 this year.  The Angels moved Double I to right field for the first time since 1999 to accommodate Bourjos.  You don’t make that move unless you plan on playing the rookie.  Plus, Scioscia loves these types of players.  He’s the anti-Earl Weaver.  If Scioscia could put Reggie Willits at DH without being committed to an insane asylum, he would.  I’d grab Bourjos for the chance for some sweet, sweet SAGNOF!  He could steal 10-15 bases in the last two months and he has the fizzle for some pop.

Yunesky Maya – The Nats signed their number one raftee this past weekend.  Last year, Maya was the runner-up to Aroldis Chapman in Ks but won the Luis Tiant, the Cuban equivalent to the Cy Young.  Maya, a Latin 28, should need very little time to acclimate himself to U.S. ball, given his experience.  He left Cuba with a 2.51 ERA in six years.  You can think of Cuban ball as Triple-A with less capitalism.  Might see Maya in the majors in the next few weeks, depending on how his starts go.  In NL-Only leagues and keepers, I’d grab Maya now while the rest of your league is sleeping.  In mixed, redraft leagues, I’d wait to see how his minor league starts go.

Juan Francisco – Step right up, ladies, I’m giving out all kinds of rookie nookie today.  Francisco looks like he was called up for bench depth since he didn’t start yesterday even with Votto out.  Francisco is a must-own in NL-Only keeper leagues with a 30 homer bat at 3rd base.  Once again, in mixed leagues, we first need to see how much time he gets.

Michael Wuertz – 1 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 2 Ks as he pitched in the 7th inning of a tie game.  Luckily (if you own Wuertz), Breslow then came in and gave up the winning run.  I’d still hold Wuertz.  That’s what she said!

Mike Leake – 5 IP, 6 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks.  You guys can find some way to keep in touch without you owning him.  Exchange emails or friend him on Facebook.

Joel Hanrahan – Got the save as Meek threw in the 7th and 8th inning.  Looks like the Pirates are happy with Meek throwing multiple innings while Hanrahanananan works as the closer.  You can hold Meek if you like, but you look a little desperate.

Andrew McCutchen – The Dread Pirate is having a heckuva couple of weeks.  He left yesterday after getting beaned in the cantaloupe with a pitch by Mike Leake.  Can’t you do anything right, Leake?!  Dread’s neck is sore with a bruise.  I’m guessing he’ll miss at least a game or three.

Neil Walker – 3-for-4 with 4 RBIs.  Kinda eerie the 2009 Coghlan vibe I get from Walker.  Decent Runs/Not Much/Decent RBIs/Nice Average/Bleh Speed.  All day, every day.

Thomas Diamond – 6 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 10 Ks in 122 pitches.  Did the Cubs wear their throwback uniforms and Dusty managed this game?  Diamond was once compared to Roger Clemens when he was drafted in the first round overall 6 years ago.  5 years ago, he was compared to Nolan Ryan and voted the best prospect in the Rangers system.  Then, he met Dr. Freeze.  A Tommy John surgery and a few mediocre seasons later, he’s back.  His Ks are for real, but his walks could get ugly at times.  I’d grab him in NL-Only leagues and deeper mixed keepers immediately.  In redraft leagues, it depends on how bad you need the gamble.

Angel Sanchez – 4-for-6, 6 RBIs.  I know Angel Pagan.  I know Angel by Aerosmith.  I do not know Angel Sanchez.  BTW, the Astros scored 18 runs and no one in fantasy benefited.

Rick Porcello – 4 1/3 IP, 7 ER, 10 baserunners, 1 K.  I know you ordered raw, but he’s cooked.

B.J. Upton – Hit his 9th homer yesterday and is now batting over .350 in the last week as he led off yesterday.  He’s going to end the year with a 12/45, .250 line and you’re going to look at him in next year’s preseason and you’re gonna forget all about the ulcer he gave you for four months this year.

Jeff Niemann – 7 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks.  In May, the clock struck midnight on this guy’s ERA.  Where’s the freakin’ pumpkin?!

Brian Duensing – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks.  This was a tough matchup.  Next start is vs. the Indians.  Don’t mind if I do!

Jonathan Sanchez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks in Coors.  Sonavabench!

Andres Torres – 3-for-6 with his 11th homer.  Everyone owns this guy by now, right?  I don’t need to keep pointing him out, do I?

Travis Snider – 2-for-4 with his 7th homer and batting .333 since his return.  Yes, you should pick him up.  Yes, you too.  And you.

Luke Scott – In case you dropped Scott because you were ‘done with him,’ he just hit his second homer in two games.  Luke Scott will tell you when to drop him.

Brian Roberts – 0-for-4 and batting .229 since he returned, with 3 steals.  You’re thinking that’s the thanks you get for holding him for all those months, but in reality he’s teaching you a valuable lesson.  In the preseason, don’t draft guys that are already hurt.

Juan Pierre – As the old joke goes.  A psychic looks at Hitler’s palm and says, “I predict, Fuhrer, that you’re going to die on a holiday.”  Hitler, “What holiday?”  “It doesn’t matter.  The day you die will be a holiday.”  To use that train of thought, Pierre always homers on a holiday.

Alex Gordon – 2-for-4 with his 4th homer.  Oh, it’s on.

Joe Saunders – 9 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Of course he’s pitching better than Haren.  Why wouldn’t he be?

Mark Reynolds – Three run homer then he was plunked in the helmet.  Mini Donkey’s probably bray-to-bray.

Aaron Heilman – Was unofficially named the closer by Kirk Gibson when he said something like, “I’m not naming a closer, but there’s only one guy in the bullpen who’s even looked half decent and his name sounds like Baron Heilmon.”

Travis Hafner – To the DL with a sore right shoulder.  The Indians doctor said Hafner’s shoulder is especially prone to soreness because he has to carry around that giant head.

Carlos Santana – Officially placed on the DL with a left knee sprain.  It’s spraining men!  I imagine the Indians will move Santana to the 60-day DL for the rest of the season.

David Freese – Ankle surgery forces Freese out for the rest of the season.  That’s why La Russa likes squirrels better than people.  No ankles.