Fantasy Baseball Advice

Here’s what’s gonna happen.  You’re gonna be out at a family BBQ for Memorial Day.  Your weird uncle that has coke bottle glasses is going to ask your girlfriend if she’ll pass the potato salad just so he can get a glimpse of her bra when she moves her arm, and then your friend is going to text you, “Anthony Rizzo called up!  I grabbed him… Lqqk who sucks –> You!  Say hello to your mother for me.”  First thing you’re gonna think is, why are you friends with this guy?  Bad enough he’s an ass, but he uses Q’s for O’s.  Second thing you’re gonna think is, why you didn’t grab Rizzo and stash him a week ago?  He is absolutely raking in Triple-A:  .359 average, 13 homers in 37 games.  LaHair’s obviously not getting benched, but he can slide into the outfield and Rizzo will be playing 1st base for the Cubs by June 5th.  You can wait until June 4th if your league needs Nerf to supply the balls, but, in most leagues, you better grab him soon.  In the meantime, let’s start calling Rizzo “The Scer.”  You know, if Phil Rizzuto was The Scooter.  Okay, maybe that doesn’t work.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Dale Thayer – Street’s closed, use alternate route.  I’d consider going down Thayer.  Street’s supposed to open again in a few weeks, but city planners and construction have already closed this Street 15 times in the last few years from just wear and tear.  Chances are it’s up and running again are never definite.

Brian Fuentes – I understand people’s hesitation about picking up a guy that’s lost closer jobs before.  How about when you lost the job at Buffalo Wild Wings because you didn’t do the Dracula sneeze and sprayed the wings?  You still landed on your feet at Pita Palace and they didn’t judge you, right?

Addison Reed – Imagine a scenario where you have to go to the bathroom, but to get to the restroom you have to stand on line behind a fat kid trying to pick out an ice cream flavor at a shoppe with 50 flavors.  That fat kid is Robin Ventura.

Casey Janssen – Sergio Santos’s return is imminent.  And so is Lohan’s acting career, if you believe her manager.  Take closer news at face value, then pick up the guy who is currently getting saves and rub it in the face of the ‘imminent’ closer.

Christian Friedrich – Christian sounds like such a handsome guy’s name.  I wonder if it’s a self-hating Jew thing.  Any the hoo!  I don’t know how long Friedrich is going to be worthwhile.  King of the Obvious, “He pitches his home games in Coors and he’s raw,” but his next start is vs. the M’s.

Wei-Yin Chen – Wow, this week’s starters aren’t looking good, but if you own Wei-Yin and Bruce Chen, you can change your team name to “I Got More Chens Than Yo Momma.”

Alex Cobb – I’d go by Al Cobb, if I were him.  I wish I could shortened my name.  Gr?  What the eff is a Gr?  That’s a Lisa Simpson sound effect.  Gre seems pointless.  Gr-Al?  What am I, Superman’s home planet?  Actually, I am.  Don’t touch my crystals!  I wouldn’t go near Cobb in most leagues, but in AL-Only he’s fine.  Shoot, in Al-Only leagues, he’s a first round pick.  Especially with the injury to Al Albuquerque.

Trevor Bauer – Tyler Skaggs could’ve been here too.  This is the time to grab rookies that might see a June 1st call-up.  In my heart of hearts (which is a second baboon heart that I have located inside my human heart), I don’t think we see Bauer until July-ish, but he’s worth the speculative add.

Bud Norris – He’s over my arbitrary 50% owned cutoff (65%), but that’s why it’s arbitrary.

Welington Castillo – I just went over him this morning.  Scroll down.  No, your other down.  Since that morning’s post was written, Soto’s headed to the DL.  Don’t shed any tears for Soto, his knee already did that.

Danny Espinosa – You know what these Buy/Sells are?  They’re player groupings (ploupings?) of all the guys I’ve told you to grab throughout the week.  What I think some other sites do for their weekly Buy/Sell is see who I’m touting all week and then list them.  I’m not bragging when I say this.  I’m fact checking, snitches!

Everth Cabrera – Called up by the Padres to take O-Dog’s spot.  If you need 20+ steals from your MI, EverCab is the man (he’s also available for bar mitzvahs).

Brian Dozier – Hey, he’s hitting!  (Okay, I got nothing else nice to say about him, but he is hitting right now — it’s all I got!)

Elliot Johnson – See what I said about Dozier but Find and Replace ‘hitting’ with ‘stealing.’

Freddy Galvis – Freddy is okay; he’s okay, Freddy!  Freddy is okay; he’s okay, Freddy!  Now steal some bases, you Smooth Criminal.

Todd Frazier – I just went over my Todd Frazier fantasy.  I wrote it while performing “Stairway to Heaven, Mon” with Dread Zeppelin.

Nolan Arenado – If you missed out on Frazier in deep leagues, you’re gonna miss out on Arenando too and you’re gonna be waiting for Danny Valencia to get recalled and then cry to sleep.  You wanna cry to sleep?  C’mon, do a headstand with that frown!

Josh Bell – He’s another third baseman that should be playing for his major league team right now.  He’s hitting crazy good in the PCL (almost .400, 4 homers in 22 games), but, as we know, hitting in the PCL is like hitting on the moon with an aluminum bat.  For now, Bell’s a solid stash in deep NL-Only leagues.

Yonder Alonso – He’s hitting for average, but he has 1 homer and 1 steal.  BWAHAHAHAHA!  I mean, c’mon.  Move the fences in, Petco overseers!  (And the bases to forty feet apart from each other.)

Chris Heisey – Dusty Baker said he likes Heisey to play every day (if Ludwick wasn’t on the Reds).  Heisey could get 20 homers and 10 steals (if Ludwick wasn’t on the Reds).  I’d grab Heisey in all mixed leagues (if Ludwick wasn’t on the Reds).  Can’t we get Dusty a team where he has no options?  Could someone tape Ludwick and Bailey’s mouths shut, put them in a gorilla suit and ship them to Africa?

Xavier Avery – SAGNOF for Xavery!

Gregor Blanco – There was a legion of Blanco fans (The Whiteys?) that came out of the woodwork the other day when I didn’t mention he was starting for the Giants.  He’s basically a steals guy that might hit a handful of homers, if you had a woodcutting accident and only have 4 fingers.

SELL

David Wright – If you look at our BABIP vs. AVG chart, you’ll find Wright, um, right, there towards the top.  There was one other year he had an inflated BABIP.  The year was 2009.  It was during that year we saw MTV announce it would play more music from 3 AM to 4 AM, The Weather Channel began airing weather-related movies leaving the elderly to wonder where the tornado was and why Bill Paxton was reporting weather and, finally, Al Gore invented running water because he got bored of the Internet.  Also, that year, David Wright had a BABIP of .394, by far his highest BABIP year, and hit .307.  That year he also hit 10 homers.  Now, I’m not saying he’s only going to hit 6 more homers this year or that he’s going to hit .307.  But he’s most definitely not hitting .400, and 20 homers or 20 steals look around his ceiling.  The counting stats will be there, and I don’t think you should trade him for a Fairly OddParents DVD, but his value is high, and may not get higher.

When Heath Bell looked like garbage on Sunday, Frank Francisco returned serve with three of his own runs.  It was like watching a tennis match between Jon Lovitz and that guy from Felicity.  Rather than getting the hook by his manager, Frank-Frank was ejected for arguing balls and strikes.  The ump should’ve told him, “With your stuff, I wouldn’t have the balls to throw strikes either.”  Jon Rauch is next in line here, but, before the ink can dry on his neck, he could lose the job too.  Though, I would grab him, in the non-sexual way.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Ike Davis – Sat out yesterday with flu-like symptoms.  Like.  Oh.  My.  Gahd.  I hopes it’s not Valley Fever.

Heath Bell – Ozzie Guillen has come to the conclusion that Edward Mujica and Steve Cishek are simply just as awful at closing games as Bell has been, so they might as well go with the guy with the bad contract.  So, once again, Bell is officially unofficially your Marlins closer and, as previously mentioned, he gave up two runs on Sunday.  I’d continue to hold Cishek and Mujica.  Bell needs to either go to the Disgraceful List or do some mop-up duty.  Despite the closer craziness, the past week the Marlins have got it done, winning 10 of their last 12 games.  A rational person might say to me, “The Marlins have played the Giants, Padres and Astros as of late, don’t get too excited.”  I am an irrational person, so it must be their new uniforms!

Giancarlo Stanton – 3-for-5 with a grand slam.  Is it just me or are you waiting for him to announce his name is actually Giancarlos Tanton?

Joey Votto – 4-for-5, 4 runs, 6 RBIs and 3 homers.  Votto bing, Votto boom.

Brian Fuentes – Was named the new A’s closer.  I literally wrote everything else in this post then came back to this to make sure he was still the closer.  If I wake up at 3 AM tonight and stumble back to my office, he may no longer be the closer.  He’s on a short leash with a cone and muzzle.  If he gets too far off the leash, he doesn’t give his owners rabies, he gives them ERAbies.

Brandon McCarthy – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks.  Look at him K’ing people with reckless a-Brandon.  McCarthy feels like one of those guys that you can get for cheap in a trade, but could be way more valuable.  He’s literally in every fifth comment as a guy people want to drop, and I use the word ‘literally’ metaphorically.

Jarrod Parker – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners (4 BBs), 5 Ks.  I doubt anyone’s actually buying (as in trading for), but you should be careful with Parker.  He’s due for some Liquid Paper getting dropped on his stats.

Bud Norris – Got the win on Friday with 6.0 IP, 1 ER and 8Ks.  Old James MacDonald pitched 8 innings and also struck out 8 in a pitchers’ duel.  And a Bud at McDonald’s is a combo meal in The Bootheel of Missouri.

Bryce Harper – On Friday, he threw his bat at the wall in frustration and needed 10 stitches as it bounced back and hit him in the head.  ESPN is auctioning off the bat with the proceeds going to TD (Teenaged Dipshits).

Wilson Ramos – Torn ACL and out for the year.  On the positive side, he’s now way too gimpy for kidnappers to lug around.

Danny Espinosa – Got a couple of hits on Sunday, homered Friday and Saturday while adding in two steals.  If it’s not obvious and you need me to spell it out, he’s H-O-T.

Henry Rodriguez – 2/3 IP, 4 ER with a massive blown save on Sunday.  I shut the game off before the Votto grand slam, knowing it was coming.  Then after it happened, I refreshed the box score a few times hoping it would change.  It’s a soul-crushing defeat when you know it’s gonna happen, then don’t believe it when it does.  Must’ve been what it felt like when Dewey tried to move his stuff into the White House with only a copy of the Dewey Defeats Truman newspaper.

Brian Dozier - 2-for-5 with his first homer.  I wouldn’t expect much here; he’s pretty yawnstipating.  It’s no coincidence that his last name is French for sleep (not true).

Scott Diamond – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Now has back-to-back 7 inning scoreless starts.  In AL-Only leagues, he could provide some value if he can continue his low walk-rate and so-so K-rate.  But in AL-Only leagues, Bruce Chen is valuable, so take that with a grain of salt, which is a crystal as is a diamond.  How’s that for circular reasoning?

Andy Pettitte – 6 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks vs. the M’s.  Against a major league offense, that’s 5 IP, 5 ER.  That’s not exactly a comeback on par with Lance Armstrong returning less nutso.

Carlos Ruiz – 6th HR on Friday.  Ruiz is batting .330 and leads the Phillies offense along with Juan Pierre.  Or JuanCarlos if Stanton’s renaming them.

Jimmy Rollins – 1-for-4 with his 1st homer.  Only one more to catch Chone Figgins!

Jesus Montero -  Hit a home run on Friday against his old team as he punishes New York for trading him to the Mariners.  You could taste the bad blood.  Mmm… Iron.

Justin Smoak – Hit a homer yesterday and is 6 for his last 12 as he got to hit away from Safeco.  Gets Fenway and Coors this week and could be a short term play.  Seriously, no kindling with Smoak.

Addison Reed – Robin Ventura is planning on splitting his save chances between Thornton, Reed and Santiago.  I think it’s appropriate to call Ventura by his cartoon onomatopoeia name:  VenturARGH.  And, because Reed seemed like the guy to own, he gave up 6 earned runs in a third of an inning yesterday.  To give up 6 earned in a third of an inning is, like a bowling alley that doesn’t cater to dwarfs will tell ya, no small feat.   At this rate, I don’t think I’d pick up any White Sox relievers in any shallow mixed league.  I need this ulcer?  No, no I don’t.  If you really need the saves, I’d grab Santiago, Reed or Thornton, in that order.

Chris Sale – 5 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks.  When you go for a ‘precautionary’ MRI (something I get all the time!), and you’re moved around to help ‘save’ your elbow, then throw a pretty mediocre start, I think something is wrong and you’d be wise to sell him quickly.  But I’m not a doctor, though I did fall asleep while watching a Scrubs rerun last night.

Carlos Beltran – 4-for-5 with 2 home runs and 4 RBIs on Friday and hit his 13th homer on Sunday.  He’s doing his best Albert Pujols impression, the pre-Angels Pujols.  Yes, it took Pujols to go to the Angels to become mortal.  The irony!

Allen Craig – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer on Sunday, after homering on Friday.  Bad enough that he double-dipped on first names when there’s people without one — R. Kelly, “Tell me about it!”  But now there’s people out there who can’t buy a homer in their leagues (me!) and this guy now has 5.

Rafael Furcal – 3-for-3 with his 7th steal, while batting .383 on the year.  Still think he’s more of an Early Bird Special than a Zombino.  You get two Facebook Likes if you understood that.

Lance Lynn – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks.  If you’ve owned him all year, you know this is less spectacular than he’s been.  Or spectaculess, if you like portmanteaus.

Josh Hamilton – Homerton was 3-for-4 with two more home runs on Friday to bring his total to 17.  The first player since Albert Pujols (who?) in 2006 to hit that many home runs in only 33 games.  Then he hit his 18th homer on Saturday.  18 homers?  I have 31 homers in one of my NL-Only leagues.

Mike Trout – Got his first slam & legs on Friday.  In related rookie news, ESPN ran a feature on Bryce Harper’s TD telethon.

C.J. Wilson -  Got roughed up in his Texas homecoming by Hamilton and the boys 1/3 IP, 3 H, 4 ER.  Then Matthew Modine started screaming “You wanna have another go at it” and Wilson agreed.  So, on Saturday, he went 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Then on Sunday, he rested.  Geez, with the God complex.

Mark Reynolds – Lands on the DL after throwing batting practice on Friday.  He said, “I got carried away with what I was trying to do.  It just looks so easy to strike me out.”

Xavier Avery – O’s called up their outfield prospect and played him in left field yesterday as he went 0-for-4.  Now for the Mystique behind X-Man.  He has some speed (and very light power), and will struggle to hit for much of an average in the majors.  In AL-Only leagues, he’s SAGNOF.

Jake Arrieta – 3 2/3 IP, 7 ER vs. the Rays.  He’s been absolutely clobbered in his last two starts.  I’d definitely look elsewhere, since I’m not a huge fan of O’s starters to begin with.  My O’s starter face is a straight line for my lips and a slow blink of the eyes.  It looks like ‘meh.’

Nick Johnson – Homered in back-to-back games that he started (Friday and Sunday).  He was in good spirits after the game, smiling in the locker room.

Danny Duffy – Left yesterday’s game with what is being described as “medial left elbow tightness.”  Sounds like medial up a different starter.

Alcides Escobar – 3-for-3, 2 runs and 1 RBI.  He’s been on and off my teams so many times the elastic is completely shot.

Jeff Francoeur – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs with his first Frenchy fly of the season, or Freedom Fly if you’re still harboring shizz.

Desmond Jennings – Has now missed six games with a sore knee.  Instead of day-to-day, they could’ve told us day-to-week.  Might’ve been helpful.

Ben Zobrist – Slam and legs with a side of mash (3 hits!) and Elliot Johnson also slammed, legged and mashed.  Johnson is 7 for his last 13 with two steals and a homer.  Could be a nice pickup if you’re struggling at MI.  BTW, if someone asks you if you’re struggling at MI, your answer is IM.

Carlos Marmol – Since the start this year, he looked like Apollo vs. Ivan Drago in the exhibition match.  Finally, the Cubs threw in the towel with Marmol’s head landing on top of it and on the Disgraceful List.

Bryan LaHair – Since Friday’s Sell, he’s 1-for-14 with 6 Ks.  Cust kayin’.

Jeff Samardzija – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  The best thing I can say about Samardetc. is I wish I owned him on all my teams.

Rickie Weeks – His wrist showed no breaks and his bat showed no hits.

Kevin Youkilis – Cleared to swing a bat.  Sounds like positive news for a guy at Hedonism after a cliff diving accident.

Will Middlebrooks – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer.  If Youk pushes Middlebrooks to Triple-A, there’s gonna be a letter written to Jimmy Breslin from a Son of Sam Horn.

Matt Kemp – Left yesterday’s game aggravating his tight hamstring.  Said he’s going for an MRI, but will only miss a game.  Um, well, guess we can hope.  How do we get this hammy cured?  Because those are delicious.

Juan Rivera – Could miss two months with a ruptured hamstring tendon.  Dude, c’mon, the day of rupture isn’t until December 21st.

I liked me some Brandon Morrow, but I’m thinking of the old Morrow (not Edward Murrow) that had no control and sat down hitters like he was a furniture salesman whose favorite line was, “Try it out.”  I talked briefly in our last podcast about Morrow.  Rudy tends to think Morrow is a new and improved pitcher.  I think Rudy’s standing too close to a newly-glued diorama.  I just want to get out the facts about Morrow that we think we know compared to what we do know.  FACT:  He’s never had control.  NOT FACT:  Without control, he’s now able to pitch the ball exactly where hitters can make contact, but not get a base hit.  FACT:  His FIP is saying he’s getting lucky.  NOT FACT:  He can leave more runners on than other pitchers.  FACT:  His career walk rate is 4.39.  NOT FACT:  This year he can continue to shave more than two walks per nine off his rate.  FACT:  He pitches in the AL East.  NOT FACT:  He has a parakeet named, Chisel Jaw, that he dresses up in WWII pilot gear with a mini parachute.  FACT:  He’s injury prone.  NOT FACT:  Whenever he orders halibut, he shrugs and says, “I don’t know why I’m ordering this.  Maybe just for the halibut.”  FACT:  He’s at the peak of his value.  NOT FACT:  He liked Jordin Sparks’ latest album on Facebook.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Steve Cishek – Ozzie wrapped a towel around his neck, had Joey Cora spray him with some water so it looked like he just stepped out of a sauna and said Heath Bell’s still his closer.  Two things I don’t agree with there.  First, Heath Bell’s terrible no matter how many times Ozzie says he’s the closer.  Second, if you spray olive oil instead of water, it holds the look of perspiration much better.

Edward Mujica – Member what I said about Heath Bell about twelve words ago?  Yup.

Brian Fuentes – I’d pick up Fuentes in some leagues.  I’d pick up Ryan Cook in some leagues.  I’d even pick up that Eddie Murphy movie guy, Norberto, in some leagues.  But this is far from a clear path to SAGNOF success.

Scott Downs – The Sciosciapath needs Adderall after replacing his closer for one blown save.  I think Walden gets the job back (or back, back, back if Chris Berman is reading), but Downs should definitely be owned.

David Robertson – I went over him this morning.  Try hitting down on your scrolly finger.

Matt Thornton – It’s been a long winding road for Hector Santiago this first month of the season.  At times he looked hittable and at other times he made Matt Thornton actually look good.

Jason Vargas – Marginer!

Chris Capuano – He’s no spring chicken.  His time for greatness has past (unless he goes to Japan, reinvents himself and returns a new pitcher named, Chris Dragono), but he could be that ever-elusive pitcher at the back end of your staff that stabilizes things.  Think Kuroda when he was in LA.

Drew Smyly – People are sure taking a long time to add The Emoticon.  I don’t trust people who el oh el after everything on Facebook that isn’t remotely funny — “Oh my God, my baby just wet itself while I was talking to the bank teller el oh el el oh el el oh el!”  Unless your baby is 37 years old, that’s not funny — But an emoticon?  It’s so innocuous.  And it has Ks.

Mike Trout – Unlike Bryce Harper, I don’t think Trout is deep-water fish.  He could give you 10+ homers and 25 steals right now.  On a side note, for my birthday, I want a picture of Trout, Tim Salmon, Kevin Bass and me in snorkel gear.  Someone make that happen.  Thank you.

Jed Lowrie – WHO! (While Healthy Own)

Alcides Escobar – WHO!  (Now the H is hitting, instead of healthy.)

Josh Reddick – WHO!  (Who let the dogs out?)

Ty Wigginton – I picked up Wigginton to replace Zimmerman and he’s been better than him.  And that’s not saying anything.  That’s like the opposite of saying something.  It’s like the guy who blinked that novel not even blinking.

Allen Craig – Know why he’s here?  Because of this:  Random Razzball Commenter, “Wow, surprised not to see Allen Craig on this list.”

Will Middlebrooks – I just went over my Will Middlebrooks fantasy.  If you click on that link, you’ll burn 7 calories.  You’re welcome, Michelle Obama!

Tony Campana – He steals like the wind… Did you hear that last line in my voice?  I’m in your head now.  Hey, what’s this thing do?  Oops, I think I just spilled chocolate sauce on your medulla oblongata.  I’ll leave your head now.  Sorry.

Chris Johnson – On one hand, I like Chris Johnson.  On the other hand, I don’t like Astro hitters.  On the third lesser known hand that is actually a mitten on a broomstick, Johnson’s hitting over .300 with some slight speed and power.

Pedro Alvarez – If you went up to a girl at the bar and asked her if you should pick up Chris Davis or Pedro Alvarez, she’d smell the desperation on you.  Here, at Razzball, we welcome desperation and Pedro Alvarez.

SELL

Bryce Harper – But he uses the Shroud of Turin to apply eye black!  And he once ordered pizza to Syracuse from Rome, Italy on a borrowed cell phone!  And he has a butterfly named after him!  The Bryce Harpertail is rare and only found on the island of Guam, but it’s named after him!  Guys (and 4 girls), he’s not going to be the greatest thing since a Hello Kitty toaster this year.  He was struggling in the minors.  Maybe he was disinterested, as most 19 year old’s get, but he’s still only a 10-15 homer, 10-15 steal guy right now.  His value because of hype is way above that.  I wouldn’t sell him for a Groupon to the Ren-Faire, but I’d explore options.  (Don’t sell in keepers.  I’m talking about redraft leagues here.)

Danny Espinosa – It’s with much rueful rumination and fervor that I gather words that I don’t use when I’m speaking or really know what they mean, when I tell you Espinosa is a wanksta that needs some serious minor league seasoning.

Adam Lind – You win some, and you draft Adam Lind and he’s not winsome.

Will Middlebrooks was called up to step between his brother, Donnybrook, Bobby Valentine and Youuuuuuuuuk.  Youuuuuuuuuk said, “Ow, my back hurts, I need the DL,” Valentine said, “Just wrap yourself in lavash, that makes everything better.”  Donnybrook erupted in a public place because of needling from Sawx fans and Will Middlebrooks hits a lot of homers in the minors.  Hello, Will, you be staying for dinner?  I’ve prepared a nice spot at the corner spot.  Please disregard the Rays embossed flatware that I have there; it was for someone else.  This year in 23 games in Triple-A, Middlebrooks hit 9 homers and stole three bases.  Last year, he hit 18 in Double-A in 96 games and 7 in 17 games in the low minors.  Yesterday, he went 2-for-3 and stole a base.  He strikes out way too much currently with little to no walks for him to come close to putting up a good average over the long haul.  But long hauls are why you pay movers on Craigslist.  You’re looking at short term if you lost Longoria and, for that, I say grab him in AL-Only and deep mixed leagues.  If you’re in a league where you can grab Alvarez or Chris Davis, then I’d go with them right now.  And, no, I never thought I’d be saying that a month ago.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Josh Beckett – Beckett will only miss one start due to his lat soreness.  Lat’s all, folks.

Mark Prior – Signed by the Red Sox.  Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent desperation.

Mat Gamel – Just when he was finally proving that with playing time he couldn’t hit, he torn his ACL and will miss the season.  Mark down 2013 as the season Gamel can truly disappoint.  With Travis Ishikawa, the Brewers planned for the worst with their 1st base backup, and by that I don’t mean they planned ahead, I mean they literally planned to have the worst backup.

Corey Hart – Due to their aforementioned planning, the Brewers hit grounders at Corey Hart, acclimating him to first.  He said, “I might sneak in there…”  What are you a ninja?  Weeks throws it over to Ishikawa– Bam!  Corey Hart just snuck in and grabbed the throw.

Ryan Braun – Might need a day or two rest after leaving yesterday’s game with a sore Achilles.  Hopefully, he doesn’t have a doctor who stutters because instructing him that he needs to “heal heel” could get confusing for all parties.

Anthony Rizzo – Cubs have discussed internally how to get LaHair and Rizzo in the same lineup.  Razzball Exclusive!  Here’s the Cubs’ inner monologue, “Well, if we agree to off Chone Figgins for the Mariners, and they agree to off Alfonso Soriano, then no one will suspect a thing.”

Bryan LaHair – He hit his 6th homer yesterday.  Hey, Cubs, don’t comb over LaHair yet!

Jeff Samardzija – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Yeah, you should pick up Samardetc.  Yes, you.

Cory Luebke – Lands on the DL with elbow soreness.  I want to think good thoughts here and say he’ll be fine when his DL stint is up and he’ll only miss a few starts, but I can’t say that because he’s a pitcher with pitching elbow soreness.

Chipper Jones – 3-for-6, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer.  Glass Chipper said yesterday that it’s a daily decision on whether he can play or not on his knee.  And here I thought he woke up on Thursday and said, “I think I’m gonna have a sore knee on Tuesday.”

Brett Gardner – Shutdown from baseball-related activities for a few days.  No spitting or grabbing your crotch for you!

Ryan Zimmerman – In case you missed it, Zimmerman’s return date was bumped from Sunday to Tuesday.  Here’s Zimmerman at the Genius Bar, “Hey, for some reason I marked my iCal down to give me a reminder to have an injury setback every day at 2 PM, and it’s not showing up until 4.”

Roy Halladay – 5 1/3 IP, 8 ER.  That’s like the pitching equivalent to what Pujols has been doing for the past month.

Carlos Ruiz – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 7 RBIs and his 4th homer.  7 RBIs is more than some of my teams have combined all week.  I will now squeeze myself into an industrial-sized microwave.

Kyle Seager – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and 2 homers.  In our AL-Only team where we lost Longoria, we had Seager back him up.  With back-ups like that who needs front men?  Am I right, last man standing on Blake Shelton’s team from The Voice?  Though I’m simply rooting for “anyone but opera guy” to win.

Jed Lowrie – 3-for-4, 3 runs after hitting a homer yesterday.  You say potato, I say hot schmotato.

Chris Johnson – 4-for-4 as he DIV/0#x’d his HR total with his first 2 HRs of the year in a 6 RBI game.  He is a fantastic 3rd base play 8 times a year.  If he could concentrate that in 1 week and give me a heads up, it would be appreciated.

Kelly Johnson – It was a good day to be a Johnson as Kelly hit his 6th HR while hitting leadoff for the first time this year.  In retrospect, it’s odd that Bobby Cox hated this guy given their surnames are equally phallic.

Brett Lawrie – 0-for-4 as the Blue Jays scored 11 runs.  Ticker tease!

Edwin Encarnacion – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs with his 9th homer.  Coincidentally, this was the 9th time I sighed this season saying, “Why didn’t I draft Encarnacion?”

Jake Arrieta – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Been having a hard time coming around on O’s starters, but Arrieta, like a true love or a really good sandwich, is giving me something to believe in.  Two weeks ago, he was in the Buy, two and a half years ago Stephen wrote about him.  Member Stephen?  His picture looked like Alf blowing a bubble.  Anyway, grab Arrieta.  It’s good for your pancreas (and fantasy baseball team).

Nick Markakis – 2-for-5 and his 3rd homer.  Sparkakis!  Never has such a good rallying call been so wasted.

Matt Harrison – 3 1/3 IP, 8 ER, 10 baserunners.  My sweet lord that sucks!  Hope Harrison found some inner peace while owners’ ERA and WHIP gently weep.

Jonathan Sanchez – 5 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 2 Ks as he outdueled Verlander, but Crow blew the win as retaliation for Sanchez’s bullpen-taxing short outings and his pranks in the bullpen that show an odd appreciation for Rollie Fingers.

Brennan Boesch – 1-for-4 with his 4th Boesch and bomb!

B.J. Upton – Should be fine after leaving yesterday’s game with cramping.  Not the first time I’ve heard a B.J. pulling up short due to cramps.

Chris Schwinden – 4 IP, 5 ER vs. the Astros.  In the first row at Minute Maid Park was Barbara Bush or as Schwinden would call her Babraham Lincoln.

Carlos Gonzalez – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs with his 6th and 7th homers of the year.  Yeah, and Matt Kemp poops out 6th and 7th homers for breakfast.

Jeff Suppan – 5 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Does Hodgepadre’ing know no (stutterer!) bounds?  Apparently not.

J.J. Putz – 2/3 IP, 2 ER and his 2nd blown save.  Call me when he’s got 4 blown saves like every other closer!

Justin Upton – 1-for-3 with a slam & legs.  One of the Upton’s knows how to satisfy his owners and surprisingly it’s not the one named B.J.

A.J. Burnett – 2 2/3 IP, 12 ER vs. St. Louis.  Don’t mess with the Cardinals now that they got that Albertross off their team.

Carlos Beltran – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 7 RBIs with his 6th and 7th homers.  Looks like Berkman bit Beltran and now he’s the new Zombino.

Brian Fuentes – Recorded the save because Balfour’s been ineffective and just threw 29 pitches the day before.  I speculated on Ryan Cook, because at least he’s been good, but the A’s look like they went with a known (if crappy) commodity in Fuentes.  Eh, Fuentes is just a dog with different fleas and if you think he’s good, you’ve been in the monkey house too long, as Tim Gunn would say.

Heath Bell – Zero recorded outs, blown save, ERA balloons to 11.74.  In the next week, one of two things will happen to Bell:  Cishek or Mujica will take over the closing job or he will be traded to the Red Sox.

Ian Desmond – 2-for-5 with his 3rd homer which was a walk off homer to give my man Henry Rodriguez a win.  Like I needed more reason to like Ian Desmond.  C’mon, you tantalizer!

Stephen Lombardozzi – 1-for-3, hitting .293 in the two hole.  Hold on, I wanna call Ms. Cleo of the Psychic Friends Hotline.  “Hello, Ms. Cleo?”  “Hey, child, how you doing with your fine moo-stache?”  “Good, Ms. Cleo, question for you.  What do you see happening next week with Espinosa and Lombardozzi when Zimmerman returns?”  “What a good question from such a handsome, young man!  Next week, Zimmerman will return and Lombardozzi will take over 2nd base and Espinosa will be sent–”  Sorry, I had to cut off before I was charged the extra $1.99, but she was about to say he’d be sent down.  I think Ms. Cleo’s on to something.

Jered Weaver – Threw a no-hitter with one walk and 9 Ks.  It was like he was facing nine Pujolses.

Well, not much has changed for closers since last month when we did a run down of all of them.  Kimbrel got a save, Axford got a save, and everyone else sucks.  Holly Robinson Peete closers are a mess!  I don’t think there’s ever been so many Brain Freezes before.  I almost feel like adding an extra category below the Brain Freezes called, “The Legend of Gloom.”  Wha’ happened?  Did someone poison the bullpen water?  Has Mariano Rivera made it so when he retires there won’t be any more closers?  There will only be starters and “Those Other Guys.”  To recap this month in closing quickly:  Valverde has been less than stellar, Putz and Street just don’t close games, Motte hasn’t been good, Brian Wilson became Casilla who Bochy pulled after one batter during one game, Joel Hanrahananananan gave fantasy owners the question, “Who’s Juan Cruz?”, Sergio Santos may start throwing at some point in the next few weeks, the Red Sox gave the job to someone who has an over 10 ERA, Frank-Frank hasn’t had a blank-blank inning in forever, Kyle Farnsworth left stage right and Rodney, who couldn’t get saves last year, entered stage “I can’t believe Rodney’s closing games,” Guerra’s been about as bad as expected, Walden blew one save and lost the job, What the H. Santiago?, What the H. Bell?, Grant Balfour might get traded, Jim Johnson gave fantasy owners the question, “Juan Cruz or Pedro Strop?  Wait, who?”, the closers on terrible teams have looked good so they’ll probably be traded or just not save games, and Brad Lidge is afraid of heights and the mound is above the field so he went to the DL which is on sea level.  Got all of that?  Yeah, I’m not sure I did either.  Anyway, here’s all the closers for 2012 fantasy baseball:

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.

1. Craig Kimbrel (Jonny Venters, Kris Medlen)
2. John Axford (Francisco Rodriguez)
3. Mariano Rivera (David Robertson, Rafael Soriano)
4. Jonathon Papelbon (Antonio Bastardo, Chad Qualls)

Donkeycorns

Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns.

5. Huston Street (+3) (Luke Gregerson, Andrew Cashner)
6. Jim Johnson (+15) (Pedro Strop, Matt Lindstrom)
7. Joel Hanrahan (+4) (Juan Cruz, Jason Grilli)
8. J.J. Putz (-2) (David Hernandez, Bryan Shaw)
9. Jason Motte (-1) (Fernando Salas, Mitchell Boggs)
10. Jose Valverde (-6) (Joaquin Benoit, Octavio Dotel)
11. Rafael Betancourt (+7) (Rex Brothers)
12. Brandon League (+6) (Tom Wilhelmsen)
13. Fernando Rodney (Joel Peralta, Jake McGee)
14. Grant Balfour (+6) (Brian Fuentes, Ryan Cook)
15. Brett Myers (+8) (David Carpenter, Brandon Lyon)
16. Joe Nathan (+6) (Mike Adams, Alexi Ogando)
17. Kenley Jansen/Javy Guerra (+2) (Matt Guerrier)

Brain Freeze

I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Matt Capps– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Valencia in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.

18. Sean Marshall (+3) (Aroldis Chapman, Jose Arredondo)
19. Santiago Casilla (-10) (Sergio Romo, Jeremy Affeldt)
20. Chris Perez (+4) (Vinnie Pestano, Tony Sipp)
21. Matt Capps (+6) (Glen Perkins, Jared Burton)
22. Jonathan Broxton (+6) (Aaron Crow)
23. Henry Rodriguez (+6) (Tyler Clippard, Brad Lidge)
24. Frank Francisco (-8) (Jon Rauch, Bobby Parnell, Ramon Ramirez)
25. Alfredo Aceves (-13) (Franklin Morales, Daniel Bard)
26. Carlos Marmol (-11) (Rafael Dolis, Kerry Wood)
27. Heath Bell (-19) (Steve Cishek, Edward Mujica)
28. Scott Downs (-11) (Jordan Walden, LaTroy Hawkins)
29. Matt Thornton/Hector Santiago (-1) (Addison Reed, Jesse Crain)
30. Francisco Cordero (-15) (Casey Janssen, Luis Perez, Sergio Santos, Lloyd Moseby)