Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to get through this thing called a fantasy baseball season.  I was dreamin’ when I wrote this, forgive me if I recommend starting a hitter vs. Jake Arrieta and pray.  I’m not a woman, I’m not a man, I am Bartolo Colon and you will never understand how I get on these pants.  1, 2, 1, 2, 3.  Yeah.  I was working part-time in a five-and-dime, my boss was Willie McGee.  U got the look.  Jesus, McGee, that look.  Twenty-three positions in a one night stand.  Twenty-three positions in a very deep league fantasy team.  Who’s my short-second-short-1st baseman?  Why do we scream at each other?  This is what it sounds like when David Price’s owners cry.  “Sorry to hear about Chyna,” said the ghost of Farrah Fawcett.  Arrieta, you got the batter’s fly balls all tied up!  Don’t make the outfielders chase you!  Even doves have pride.  Why do we scream at each other when we don’t own Jake Arrieta?  So, Arrieta threw a no-hitter yesterday — 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 BBs, 6 Ks.  Rather economical pitch count too (119).  Member when we were able to own him last year by drafting him in the 8th round?  Alas, he’s a Sexy M.F. and I would die 4 U.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Bartolo Colon MLB Logo

The night slate is…hrm, how best to put this? Not good for pitching. Like uglier than the dude in the pic above this sentence ugly. If you’re in the eleven game grouping tonight, you’re gonna wonder where the safe arms are. Well, from what I see you ain’t got none and for that reasoning, I’m out here looking for something that feels safe. Plushy, soft, and supple. Something that makes me feel like I could curl up and fall asleep on it’s giant Buddha belly. Admittedly, I don’t like the idea of going to the well over and over against the Phillies because you know it’s eventually got to have a regression to the positive which would be negative for us, but here I am looking at Bartolo Colon for the night. Fluffy, stay puft marshmallow man that he is, Colon is 42 years young and rarely walks hitters. And why would you when your fastball sits at 89.8? All jokes aside, the reality is Colon throws strikes and spots his pitches well…except when he doesn’t. Then he looks like he’s pitching BP. Obvi I’m hoping for the good Bartolo and not the bad one tonight but with a slate full of nasty, his 5.5K price tag makes him appealing as a cash relief so you can pay up for big bats. You get peak Bartolo, you’re getting about 22 points which more than offsets the memory you rostered this. So on this night, realize you only live once and roster a guy who looks like he should’ve keeled over and died ten times at this point. But enough about that, let’s talk about this. Here’s my triple coronary bypass hot taeks for this Wednesday DK slate…

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well try out this 10 teamer of Razzball writers and friends to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It’s how we know you care! If you still feel helpless and lonely, be sure to subscribe to the DFSBot for your daily baseball plays.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

We want dingers, lots and lots of dingers. The formal definition of a ‘dinger’ has something to do with home runs, just to paint a better picture for you. We will go after dingers, dingers, and more dingers. Now remember, you don’t want your pitchers to give up dingers, so be careful to not fall too much in love with them. The first Thursday of the MLB season promises plenty of potential for the long ball; sadly, most of the pitchers possess this potential too. With a few lower priced arms, it is possible to put together a very strong hitting lineup that can compete with anyone. Without further ado, we construct Team Dingers, and more importantly a team that will prove a winner on DraftKings for you!

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well try out this 10 teamer of Razzball writers and friends to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It’s how we know you care! If you still feel helpless and lonely, be sure to subscribe to the DFSBot for your daily baseball plays.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Unlike the first base position that I previously reviewed, the keystone is much more in line with the MLB-norm as far as “spread” is concerned- where qualified second basemen averaged a spread of .056 in 2015. And although this position is typically less sexy than me with my shirt off in the winter, it has a lot of solid players in 2016. I am here to show you whose value rises and falls when shifting to an OBP league and will also identify those targets and sleepers that you can get in the mid-to-later rounds.

At last, the position you all have been waiting for… SECOND BASEMEN!

(Keep in mind, the format is 12-team 5×5 OBP)

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What goes through J-FOH’s head when he does these ranks? I’m glad you asked. Wait… you didn’t ask? Are you sure? No? Not at all? Sheesh, thanks guys… and four girls. I’m going to be my usually contrarian self and tell you anyway. I’m looking at players from their floor to their ceilings over the next 3-5 years (and beyond). I’m looking at games played over the previous few seasons, projecting risk going forward, and predicting how they will age based on their skill set. A player whose value is heavily dependent upon speed will usually lose that speed going into the 30’s and players with power will usually keep that a little bit longer. There are always guys who defy the odds like David “I never juiced” Ortiz or Adrian Beltre. They are a special breed that should never be slept on ’til the day they retire. There is science, stats, and anecdotal B.S., and then there are “those guys”. Joey Bats and those sweet bat throws would fall into that class for me. Excuse me while I preach for a second. I love bat flips. I think they should be mandatory for any home run after the 7th, 6th for the Yankees. This is a kids game that is suppose to be fun and guys like Mad Bum need to either throw the punch or shut the front door. Any a-hole can stand there shouting with a team behind him. At least Robin Ventura had the cojones to try and fight. (I want that shirt!) Now that we have my major side track out of the way, let’s move down to some words about the list before we get to the list. Note to self, take an english class at the local adult education center next year.

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One word about this top 100 for 2016 fantasy baseball, before I give you another 5,000 words.  I’m going to avoid repeating myself from the position rankings in the 2016 fantasy baseball rankings.  If you want to know my in-depth feelings about a player, then you need to go to his positional page, i.e., the top 20 1st basemen for 2016 fantasy baseball, the top 20 2nd basemen for 2016 fantasy baseball, the top 20 Gucci handbags for 2016– Ah, I almost got you.  This post is meant to give you an idea where guys from different positions are in relation to each other.  Since this post is only the top 100, there’s more players where this came from.  400 or so, to be inexact.  Next up, there will be a top 500.  Then after that there will be a top 7,500, then a top 25,000, then a top 600,000, until we end up with a top kajillion in April.  Or maybe I’ll stop at the top 500.  Yeah, that makes sense.  Not to get all biblical on you, but this is the gospel.  Print it out and take it to Mt. Sinai and it will say, “Win your 2016 fantasy baseball league, young prematurely balding man.”  Projections were done by me and a crack team of 100 monkeys fighting amongst themselves because there were only 99 typewriters.  Somebody please buy Ling-Ling his own typewriter!  Anyway, here’s the top 100 for 2016 fantasy baseball:

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To make sure I don’t miss any player in my rankings, I go through every team’s depth charts and I go through every eligible player who is projected for at least one at-bat by Steamer.  After I looked through the players with at least one at-bat at 2nd base, I vomited in my mouth, then spit said vomit onto the ground and it spelled out, “Gnarly.”  My vomit is right.  2nd base is not a pretty position.  Shortstops got younger in the last year and some guys are coming to make it even better.  The top 20 1st basemen wasn’t straight gorge, but there was plenty of talent there from veterans.  The top 20 catchers are always ugly, but these top 20 2nd basemen are giving the catchers a run for their money.  There’s only three guys with legit 20-homer power and three guys with easy 20-steal speed.  One that will hit .300 and zero that will get 100 RBIs.  I don’t know what happened to the latest crop of 2nd basemen, but I have a theory.  Twelve years ago, when these 2nd basemen were learning the position, their role model was Bret Boone.  Boone used to frost his hair blonde, so all the kids learning 2nd base at that time, frosted their hair too.  Then their friends beat the crap out of them, and that was the end of all future 2nd basemen.  Here’s the position eligibility chart for 2016 fantasy baseball.  All the 2016 fantasy baseball rankings are under that linkie-ma-whosie.  As always, my projections and tiers are included for the low, low price of zero dollars.  Anyway, here’s the top 20 2nd basemen for 2016 fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

We already went over the top 20 catchers and the top 20 1st basemen for 2015 fantasy baseball.  Today, we dip our big toe into the top 20 2nd basemen pool.  Okay, it was actually a lukewarm puddle where lots of amoebas grew, and I don’t mean a giant San Francisco-based record store where the cashiers know more about an REM B-side from their unreleased first album than hygiene.  It’s a little scary, for unstints (how I say it), that there were only six 2nd basemen that you wanted to own all year, and even the sixth man (not Marlon Wayans) had his share of “Meh, I guess he’s okay.”  Pretty appropriate that the first 2nd baseman off the board in a lot of leagues didn’t even make the year-end top 20.  Thank you very much, Anthony Rendon!  To recap this crap (rhyme points!), this final ranking for last year is from our Fantasy Baseball Player Rater with my comments.  The Player Rater allows me to be impartial while looking at how I ranked them in the preseason.  Anyway, here’s the top 20 2nd basemen for 2015 fantasy baseball and how they compared to where I originally ranked them:

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I can’t believe I’ve come to this point in the season but it’s that time, fam. Or ‘Pham’ if you’re into making things not only hip but fantasy baseball-related. This is the time of the season where you just can take that season-long ERA/WHIP of a pitcher here and there, throw them out the window, turn on your Janet Jackson album and sing ‘what have you done for me lately?’ *Singing optional…and some of you? Please don’t. Don’t look at me like that, you know why*. It’s one of the trickiest times of the year. Maybe it’s because the young arm is unknown and the vet team he’s facing didn’t scout well enough or is just plain tired from a long season? Or in the case of the vet arm, maybe they were hurt all year and are healthy and ‘fresh’ by comparison to the other team? I don’t know, I guess what I’m trying to say is this is the time of year for some truly bizarro world shizz and you gotta think about players you may not have at other times. Case in point, CC Sabathia. I mean, 4.80 ERA and a 1.42 WHIP is…well it’s…hrm, it’s…let’s just have Cleveland call it like it is. Yet he’s now had back to back 24+ point DK outings and gets a matchup against a team that currently floats near the bottom against LHP in wRC+ (29th), ISO (28th), and BB/K (28th). Am I confident enough in him to fling him out there in cash games? Ish you cray! But his $6,600 pricetag makes it easy to work in bigger bats and another big arm as needed so I’m all in on CC. Just remember when paying up today for your arms, the all important Beastie Boys words: ‘Cause what you see you might not get, And we can bet so don’t you get souped yet, You’re scheming on a thing that’s a mirage, I’m trying to tell you now it’s sabotage. But enough about my poetic license use of someone else’s poetry, let’s have at it. Here’s my Root Down hot takes for this Friday DK slate…

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well try out this 25 teamer of Razzball writers and friends to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It’s how we know you care! If you still feel helpless and lonely, be sure to subscribe to the DFSBot for your daily baseball plays.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Zach Britton has a mild lat strain.  He hopes to return soon as he’s complained that the loneliness of not pitching is killing him.  Britton went on to say, “Bollocks!”  Maybe that’s a Briton.  Any hoo!  Or as a Briton would say, “Tally hoo!”  The Orioles haven’t said Britton is shut down, but I highly doubt he closes another game in the next week.  Or as a Briton would say, “My Full Monty is knackered.  Let’s scallywag over a fag, you donkey arse.”  The Irish have fought for independence for the better part of a century, and yesterday they exacted some revenge as Britton went down to an O’Day.  Darren O’Day said, “Blarney stone something something potato something something Guinness.”  It was hard to understand.  I would grab O’Day in every league if you need saves as he’s now converted two in two like Chuck Woolery, and, holy crap, Woolery got old!  Have you seen The Voice?  His son was on there and Woolery looked like he was gonna turn to dust.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?