Fantasy Baseball Advice

Yesterday, Bob Feller told a story about how he once threw 117 MPH while urinating.  He went on to talk about Triscuits and where he left his teeth.  When he came back around to baseball, he said no one’s throwing a 1.15 ERA, even that guy with no hair.  Once again, the old Feller has forgotten more than you could ever know.  To paraphrase EPMD, last night Ubaldo Jimenez had his ERA tooken.  He gave up 6 earned runs in 5 and two-thirds innings.  It’s no crime to be hit by the Red Sox in Coors and you had to expect the ERA was going to come up at some point.  All things considered, he K’d 7 and walked no one vs. a club that knows the strike zone.  Was his best strikeout to walk ratio game in a while.  He’s still a terrific pitcher, he might just be a 3.00 ERA one instead of a 1-something one.  You’ll take that medicine and like it.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Ian Stewart – 2-for-4 and a homer off Papelbon.  Ride, Mini Mini Donkey, ride.

Jarrett Hoffpauir – 1-for-3 as Cito Gaston announced that Hoffpauir will be the every day 3rd baseman.  Hip-hip-Hoffpauir!  Though once Snider returns Hoffpauir will probably be squeezed for time.  I went over my Hoffpauir fantasy the other day.  Speaking of Snider, what happened to that young brother?  He’s pulling a Kotchman, for sure.  Was supposed to be ready in less than the original 15 days on the DL, now looking like we might not see him again until after the All-Star break.  A hurt wrist that is lingering this long is not a good sign, says Mr. Obvious.

Tommy Manzella – Fractured his index finger and will be out for 6 weeks.  Has anyone ever seen Manzella and Adam Everett in the same place?  A-ha!

Johnny Cueto – 7 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Kid Cueto strikes again against a weak team in a pitcher’s park.  Cueto looks like he should be a 3.75 ERA pitcher over the course of the season.  To get those numbers though, you have to start him every time out, which is a bit nail biting.

Edinson Volquez – 5 IP, 1 ER in a rehab start.  Could be back before the All-Star break.  For those in the back of the room, that’s not that long.  Don’t you love how Edinson was suspended for 50 days and recovered from Tommy John surgery quicker than Erik Bedard, who was throwing in April and originally slated to return in May?  In related news, Bedard’s supposed to return soon too.  We shall see.

Jose Reyes – 3-for-4, steal, homer and 3 Runs.  Member back in March when someone said my Reyes pick was the worst pick of the Friends & Family draft?  I don’t want to make too much of it, but it is pretty illustrative of how preseason news is always blown out of proportion.  (Though the same guy thought Beltran was the best pick of the draft.  Hmm…)

R.A. Dickey – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  As soon as you pick up Dickey, your fantasy situation will get sticky.

Angel Pagan – Left the game with what appeared to be an oblique issue.  Knowing the Mets, this will mean a 180-day DL stint.

Carlos Quentin – 2-for-3 with 2 homers as he bats over .400 in the last week.  Don’t thaw out Ted Williams’ head just yet, but Quentin’s finally come alive.

Cliff Lee – 9 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 9 Ks.  The Adverb has 76 Ks and 4 BBs.  Now read that again emphasizing different words.  Still impressive, right?

Tyler Colvin – Hit his 2nd homer in the last five games.  Probably will continue to hit for some power, but his average may drop with more playing time.  Think 20 homers and a .275 average on the year.

Randy Wells – 6 IP, 6 ER, 12 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Against the M’s in Safeco?  Forget it, we’re done.  Don’t ask me if you should start Wells anywhere.  You shouldn’t.

Ricky Romero – 8 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks.  He’s on pace for 200+ strikeouts.  Cust kayin’.

Stephen Strasburg – 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 9 Ks as he faced his toughest competition yet, the Royals.  Be interesting once he takes on a real major league offense.  For those zealots who like to keep score:  DeJesus 1, Big Baby Jesus 0.

Ryan Ludwick – Missed yesterday’s game with leg cramps.  Doesn’t Midol make something for that?

Sean Rodriguez – 1-for-4 with a homer.  Unfortunately, it looks like he’s back to playing intermittently, unless this homer can shake loose some more playing time.

John Ely – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  It’s nice, but I wouldn’t start him outside of Dodgers Stadium vs. good matchups until I see more consistency.

Ricky Nolasco – 7 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks.  You know how Nolasco needs at least one minor league assignment to get straightened out every year?  I have an idea, whoever’s fixing his mechanics in Triple-A, let them manage the Marlins.

Gaby Sanchez – 3-for-5 with his 8th homer, hitting around .400 for the last week and over .350 in June.  I wouldn’t recommend him for anything but Runs and average, but sometimes you need that sorta thing.

Chase Headley – 1-for-3 with a homer.  The one league where I was stuck with Headley (Don’t confuse that with sticking with Headley.  It’s a 20 team league, I’m stuck with him.), I’ve resigned myself to only expecting production on the road, where he’s batting .291.

Brian Bannister – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  He pitched well because at no point in this game did Dr. Brian Bannister turn into the Incredible Hulk of Crap.

Dontrelle Willis – 2 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners — 7 of which were walks.  I really have no allegiances when it comes to baseball players.  Probably what makes me half-decent at this fantasy shizz, but the story of Dontrelle’s complete collapse is kinda sad.  Unless his previous success was ‘roid related, then I’m no longer sad, but I don’t think it was (who knows though, right?  I know!  I mean, I don’t know if I know, you know?).  I think this is some Ankiel, Knoblauch yips thing.  I wish I were Miguel Olivo so I could give Dontrelle a big hug.

Aaron Heilman – 1 IP, 1 ER and the blown save.  Meanwhile, Sam Demel continues to dominate in middle relief.  I don’t think the Diamondbacks go to Demel, but they could.  At this point, if they brought in Byung-Hyun Kim, I wouldn’t be surprised.

Curtis Granderson – 3-for-5 with a homer and steal.  Ten more games in a row exactly like this and we’ll be cool.

Manny Parra – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks.  I enjoy the Parra, I do.  It’s no secret.  He will kill your WHIP and he’s prone to 2 IP, 6 ER-type games, but he’s chock full ‘o strikeout potential.

Chris Johnson – 2-for-4 and a steal as he got his second start in a row.  Definitely worth a look in NL-Only leagues.

Shin-Soo Choo – 2 homers, 4 RBIs as he thanked owners for Choo-Choo-choosing him.

Kerry Wood – 1/3 IP, 2 ER.  Really should be replaced by Chris Perez, but I think the Indians are trying to prove Wood’s worth on the trade market.  Problem is each time he pitches he’s worthless.

Daniel Nava – 2-for-3 as he still bats .382 on the year.  In a few leagues, I grabbed him for the chance on some extended upside.  The other day I went over what to expect from him.  Search the site, it’ll burn calories.

J.D. Drew – Red Sox announced Drew won’t be back on Thursday, after announcing two days ago he wouldn’t be back on Wednesday.  You think they have one guy in charge of making J.D. Drew injury announcements?  Me, “Hey, you’re standing next to me at a bar, what do you do?”  Him, “I make J.D. Drew injury announcements.”  Me, “Of course you do, they need a guy for that!”

Josh Beckett – Threw 55 pitches on Wednesday, slated to return mid-July.  If he returns and you’re hoping for better than a 4.00 ERA pitcher, you’re hoping for too much.  I mean, he’s only a career 3.90 ERA guy to begin with.  Oekávání.  And that’s me putting expectations in Czech.

So how is everyone doing, fantasy wise?  NBA playoffs, slimming down to fit into that banana hammock and early fantasy baseball blues is what April has in store.  I was recently asked by a friend how many leagues I am in, and the answer without hesitation or lie is 21.  I don’t know how I do them all and keep sanity.  Everyone has a passion, mine is baseball.  Here are the most unowned options for this week for purposes of 2 start pickups in fantasy baseball:

Joel Pineiro (Tigers vs. Willis) (Yankees vs. Pettitte)
Not going to WOW you with his stats, has done great so far in 3 starts. Pitched great against the Yankees in week 2. Look for a 1-1 week as the Yanks are the Yanks. Favorable for start one against The D Train.

Brian Bannister (@Tor vs. Morrow) (Minn vs. Slowey)
I know he pitches for KC.  Starters for KC have been fairly effective; it’s the bridge to Soria that is horrendous.  I like both starts here as Slowey hasn’t found “it” yet, and Morrow is good for 3 innings and than goes to bed.  High ERA but great chance for 2 wins.

Doug Fister (Balt vs. Bergesen) (@ CHW vs. Danks)
I saw he pitched really effective on Tues. vs. Oak as I sped through it on DVR, was locating nicely and was putting ball in play.  A must start for the fledging O’s, may struggle start 2 as Danks has looked fantastic so far.  Grab for start one and if you’re in the lead in pitching he grabs the pine vs. the pale hoes.

Jeff Niemann (@ Bos vs. Lackey) (Tor vs. Romero)
Big buyer beware for this week as Boston has owned Niemann before then he goes up against Romero.  Has looked decent in 2 starts one was brief.  Can be effective when he is keeping the ball down in the zone, Red Sox take a lot of pitches and Toronto is mashing right now.

Justin Masterson (@ MINN vs. Slowey) (@ Oak vs. Gonzalez)
Got robbed last time out as defense blew it for him. Threw 6 strong innings vs. Tex. 9 k’s. Minnesota park is playing a little like a pitchers’ park. I like this kid as I have stated before, great moxy for a young gun on a 90 loss team. Pick him up now and you prolly won’t drop him for awhile.

Colby Lewis (@ Bos vs. Wakefield) ( Det vs. Porcello)
Both starts are going to be slugfests, has great chance to win both. If you can stomach a 8 era for the week with 12-14 k’s than grab him. I love guys named after cheese.

Brad Penny (@ Ari vs. Lopez) (@ SF vs. Cain)
Duncan is reclamation projects, not just yo-yos.  I don’t buy that he is great by any stretch, will be a rollercoaster, but they have Pujols. ‘Nuff said.  First start must add.  The second is a maybe if you need a good effort to win the week in H2H.

Clayton Richard ( SF vs. Cain) (@ Cin vs. Bailey)
On here for a little of start one and a lil of start 2; it’s home cooking and a favorable matchup.  Should hold his own at Petco vs. the army ants.  Call me crazy but by year’s end he will be on most teams as a rosterable pitcher.

Brett Myers (Fla vs. Volstad) (Pitt vs. Morton)
My add of the week 2 favorable home starts.  Perfect recipe.  Houston is a bad team and the dismantling is coming.  Great 2 win 10-12k promise. Grab him for the week and then set him free.

Mike Pelfrey (CHC vs. Zambrano) (Atl vs. Hanson)
Showed signs last outing.  Mets need someone else with an ERA under 5 to pitch behind Santana.  I like him moving forward.  Borderline rosterable in most formats.

Jimmy Rollins looks like he’s headed to the DL with a Grade 2 calf strain.  For those non-doctors out there, that’s a calf strain that starts to learn its times tables.  It hurts to lose your 2nd or 3rd round pick, but you don’t have many options here.  You can’t sell him low.  Assuming you need a little pick me up after getting *pinkie to mouth* decalfeinated, some MIs that are out there are McGehee, Furcal, Desmond, EverCab and O-Cab.  They provide different things, but I like them to varying degrees, in that order.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Adeiny Hechavarria – Say that name fast one time!  The Jays signed the 21-year-old Cuban defector.  Defect had more going it against than any other word, yet the Cubans turned it into a positive.  Sorta the same journey the word “special” took, but in the reverse.  Hechavarria probably won’t be called up until the end of this year at the earliest.  Not simply because no one can pronounce his name.  (For those perfectionists out there, it’s Ah-THEY-nee Eh-CHA-bah-ree-ah.)  (BTW, I always use the spellchecker when typing perfectionist.  Discuss that amongst yourselves.)  He’s still very raw, but in time they are likening Ah-THEY-nee to a young Alfonso Soriano.  Not sure if “they” are saying a young Soriano means a Latin 21 or a Latin 25.  I’d look at him in keepers, but league depth has a lot to do with your sitch.

Ricky Romero – 8 IP, 2 ER, 12 Ks as he threw a one hitter.  Whenever I hear this guy’s name I think of Prince’s Batdance.  Stop the press – who is that?  Ricky Romero!  The problem with Romero up until this year is he’s struggled with walks.  So far, doesn’t seem like this is an issue.  He gets the Angels, Rays and A’s next (not at the same time; that would be crazy).  I’d absolutely take a flier on him to see if he can continue his new trends.  I do think it might be a bit miragey, but grab now and ask questions later.

Kevin Gregg – Got the save.  Gregg has looked exceptional.  That’s weird.  Frasor was used on Monday so Gregg was used on Tuesday.  I think if the Jays would just stop winning, then Frasor would be the closer.  If that makes any sense.  Okay, I’ll try again.  If the Jays win every third day, Frasor gets most of the saves.  These back to back ones?  Frasor and Gregg will be used.  So if you’re really hurting, grab Gregg.  Then again, Frasor’s being outpitched by Gregg.  Just own them both for right now.

Brad Hawpe – Hawpe’s day-to-day with a quad injury.  First Carlos Gonzalez comes up lame, now Hawpe.  Not to get all Professor Plum on you, but where was Seth Smith during all of this?

Seth Smith – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and a HR yesterday.  While CarGo and Hawpe are nursing injuries, I’d grab Smith.  Just don’t leave your drink unattended near him.

Akinori Iwamura – Hit his 2nd homer yesterday.  David Ortiz has zero homers.  Cust kayin’.

Drew Stubbs – 0-for-5 as the Reds scored 10.  Ticker tease!

Doug Fister – 8 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners.  This start was more an indication of the A’s offense than Fister’s pitching.  Also, conversation overheard at my house yesterday.  Girlfriend, “Grey, what are you watching?”  “Fister ‘n the A’s!”  Girlfriend, “You’re disgusting.”

Brian Matusz – 7 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 8 Ks.  He actually looked better than Romero.  Very impressive outing.  Three of his earned runs were inherited baserunners Johnson let score.

Jim Johnson – 1/3 IP, 1 ER and the blown save.  A consequence of SAGNOF and being quick to waivers is you end up grabbing a fill-in closer then they explode in your face too.  Johnson may suffer from Scott Downs’ Syndrome.  Don’t let go of Mike Gonzalez yet.

Brandon Webb – Played catch on Monday and the D-Backs are hoping for him to return June 1st.  If you’ve stashed him on your DL, I’d look to trade him around May 31st.

Chris Young – Says he feels no pain, it’s just tightness.  That’s what she said!  Wait, he said it.  Damn!  Young should be back as soon as he’s eligible to come off the DL.  I’d stash him on my DL.

Jose Guillen – Hit another homer yesterday.  Now has like a bazillion homers in the last three days.  Probably won’t hit a bazillion more, but it pays to find out.

Brian Bannister – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 4 Ks.  Don’t even think about it.  I see you!  Stop.  Move your cursor away from picking him up.  Slowly!

Ryan Perry – He’s a Holds machine.  That is all.

Cliff Lee – The Adverb threw a bullpen session and eyes the beginning of May for his return.

Erik Bedard – The Mariners hope Bedard returns by the end of May.  Decent DL stashee, but it wouldn’t shock me to see him come back, throw 5 to 7 games and then get hurt again.  That’s how he do.

Milton Bradley – 2-for-4, HR yesterday.  Last week, he gave the middle finger to the fans.  This week, there’s still time left.

Clayton Kershaw – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 Ks, 8 baserunners, 5 BBs.  As Vin Scully said, “Kershaw was fighting the strike zone from right after the anthem.”  He threw 110 pitches and only 59 were strikes.  Should be BBershaw.

Ian Kennedy – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 9 baserunners.  He gets the Padres in Petco next time out, I’d hold him for that start.  Kennedy’s problem really is ill-timed homers.  Every 30th pitch hits a grassy knoll in the outfield.

Krispie Young – 2-for-4 and a walk!  You should grab him, might be breaking out.  Walking for Krispie is a feat.  Pun unavoidable.

Ervin Santana – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 7 Ks, 13 baserunners.  Definitely wasn’t all magic with Ervin.  I’m ready to deploy my parachute and lose this guy, but I think it’s only fair we give him a non-Yankees start to see what he can do.  He gets the Blue Jays next.  You want Grey to own you, Ervin?  Get your shizz together.

Mike Napoli – Maybe Crapoli gives away the pitches because he’s so dramatic with his hand movements.  You know those Italians.  When Napoli flicks his chin, it’s-a gonna be a fastball.  Either way, Napoli’s clearly the backup.  Lose him in all but the deepest leagues.  Even with a full-time job, it wasn’t like he was winning you your league.  What’s the difference between Napoli and Snyder with full-time at-bats?  5 homers?  Vernon Wells already has that many.

Brandon Wood – 1-for-3.  He got a hit and a walk in the same game?!  C’mon!  Seriously?  I’m really surprised Scioscia hasn’t benched Wood, but I guess this is Scioscia’s modus operandi.  Call up and send down prospects for three years until they don’t know if they’re coming or going, then when they’ve finally given up all hope, play them.  Watch closely when a prospect moves close to Scioscia.  They flinch.  Scioscia and prospects are like Michael Vick and dogs.  Scioscia is the biggest prospblock.  /rant

The other drafternoon I took part in my Fantasy Razzball draft where the object is to field the worst team possible.  This team isn’t just bad.  Nah, I outdid even myself this time.  On a scale of one to ten, they’re a negative seven.  I did the math!  Somehow I managed to get a team where not one hitter projects for more than twelve home runs.  If someone in the Royals brass gets wind of my drafting skills, I may get a job!  If you think I’m being facetious (which was recently outlawed in Madagascar), shame on you.  And shame on this team!  My co-conspirators in this were:

Chet G., Fantasy Football
Andy B., Yahoo! Roto Arcade
Tim W., Buccofans.com
T Man, Middle Aged Sports Guys
Jonathan H., The Hardball Times
Paul R., My Sports Rumors
Collin, FantasyPros911
Ryan D., Oh What, Another Baseball Blog
Andrew C., Yanks Go Yard

Come with me as I take out the trash:

Round 1 – I had my eye on Ronnie Belliard like only Mrs. Belliard could ever know.  He’s eligible at 1st!  Need I continue?  His K rate has been going up.  You want more?  He’s also eligible at 3rd.  Could Joyce DeWitt’s son steal time?  I suppose, but Belliard’s projected for 400 ABs and 11 home runs.  Bleh, and thank you.

Round 2 – It was between Lousy Castillo and Drew Stubbs, who may not even break camp with the Reds he’s so godawful.  Stubbs’s projected 267 strikeouts this year had me throw caution into the wind and go with the upside pick.  Yes, in this league, your 2nd pick may not break camp with the club. It’s not easy being bad at your chosen vocation.  Ask any non-Greinke Royals pitcher.

Round 3 – Tommy Manzella, while renown for his lasagna, is not, how do I put this, good at baseball.  If there were a category on Jeopardy! titled, “Players You’d Confuse With Adam Everett,” Manzella would be the question for every answer.  Manzella’s projections:  450+ ABs, .240 average and 5 homers.  Now that’s Italian!

Round 4 – Actually, I really like Scott Podsednik this year in fantasy… Sorry, I meant to say, I really like Scott Podsednik’s wife.  Crucial detail.

Round 5 – One thing I really notice about drafting craptacular players, everyone has a different draft sheet.  It’s like you got ten owners together that have all been in solitary confinement for the last six months.  Everyone knows who’s crappy, but nobody knows which order anyone else is going to take them, so guys last longer than you think they will.  Without further ado, Brian Bannister.

Round 6 – Went with the Marquis de Shat here because we have a max innings limit and I really wanted to get a few pitchers that could actually stay in the rotation all year.  Figuring quality non-quality over quantity non-quality, if that makes sense.

Round 7 – A two home run hitter calling Petco home? Was surprised to see Sparky Anklebiter make it all the way to the 7th round.  Middle infield is a deep position in this, but I couldn’t turn down this kind of value.

Round 8 – Brett Gardner is the first pick that I could see definitely owning in regular leagues.  One of the few picks on this team with downside.  If he can avoid the top of the order, he should be fine.

Round 9 – Considering Michael Bourn went in the first round, Nyjer Morgan‘s a steal here.  Speaking of which, steals aren’t counted in this league, if anyone was not familiar with the points structure.  BTW, the nicest thing anyone can ever say about a guy on your Fantasy Razzball team, “He’s a great fielder!”

Round 10 – Tommy Hunter.  Okay, I’m a sucker for sucky Texas pitchers.

Round 11 – Martin Prado isn’t a great pick at 2nd base… But he’s not playing there for me.  He is a solid guy for the Not Corner.

Round 12 – I expect Porcello’s ERA to mushroom. (<–almost pun!)

Round 13 – Scott Olsen — You know those Army commercials you see that promise college and all that?  I imagine in the next 15 years there will be commercials for kids who throw lefty.  Can’t afford college and you throw lefty?  Play in the Majors!

Round 14 – Daniel Murphy locked up my corner infidel spot.  Not bad value for a guy who received fielding tips from Keith Hernandez and hitting tips from Ron Darling.

Round 15 – Someone took Yorvit Torrealba in Round 14 and that reminded me I better grab his blahtoon mate, Nick Hundley.

Round 16 – In regular leagues, I wouldn’t want to fill my utility spot so early, but I knew I wanted a top tier catcher, so I grabbed Gregg Zaun, then immediately began thinking about how he really shouldn’t be playing in the major leagues anymore.  Someone hire him to coach, please.

Rounds 17/18 – Dave Bush and Brett Myers because Home Runs Allowed is a category.  Hopefully, Myers won’t disrupt my harmonious clubhouse.

Round 19 – Ladies and gentlemen, super futility man – Eugenio Velez.

Rounds 20/21/22 – Ronny Cedeno, Chris Getz and Jeff Keppinger.  Not sure how this crapfecta lasted this long, but I just had to back up some of my other guys that are sure to lose playing time.  Actually, if I played my cards right, some of them might have lost playing time already.

Round 23 – Billy Buckner?  *shrugs*  I don’t know, but he’s supposed to be terrifically awful.

Round 24 – Garrett Mock – Mock indeed.

Round 25 – Grabbed Russell Martin to stash on my DL, though I’m sure at least one of my pitchers will end up on the Disgraceful List by May.

Round 26 – Every time you hear Willie Harris‘s name don’t you think of Michael Dukakis?  Yeah, maybe it’s me.

Round 27 – Jake Westbrook is actually the Indians number one pitcher.  Chief Wahoo should change his name to Chief WTF?

Tommy Hanson was called up by the Braves yesterday.   His numbers:  66 1/3 IP, 90 Ks, 0.86 WHIP, 1.49 ERA in Triple A.  Hello, beautiful, may I interest you in this Sutter Home White Zinfandel?  It’ll go lovely with your 90/17 K/BB ratio.  How about some honey mustard pretzels to go with your 12.2 K/9 ratio?  Ah, yes, those were some great times when you dominated in the Arizona Fall League with a .63 ERA in just over 28 innings.  Chuckle, chuckle… Yes, those were the best prospects in baseball and you held them to 10 hits and 49 Ks.   But can he dominate in the majors?  Much has been made of rookie pitchers at this site.  More often than not, they drop a roofie in your box of wine and do unthinkable things to your Forbidden City.  Hanson seems like he can handle his own in the big leagues, but remember in Double A he was great, but not insane with a 3.03/1.13/114 and a 10.5 K/9 in 98 IP.  If Hanson comes out and dominates on Saturday, his value will go through the roof.  If he stumbles, you might get stuck with Cueto of ’08.  Rookie pitchers are very risky.  If you need a hitter, Hanson’s trade value might be at its peak.  Now if you need pitching and you can handle the risk, Hanson can provide the reward.  In a keeper, obviously you hold him tight like your Grandma holds her bucket of quarters in Atlantic City.  Anyway, here’s what else we saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Nate McLouth – Traded to the Braves.  This doesn’t do much for his value.  Cox can’t even sit lefties against lefties anymore because the Braves lineup is basically all lefties.  McLouth’s a 25/25 guy with a so-so average.   However, this opens the door for… Wait for it… It’s coming… Okay, here it is…

Andrew McCutchen – The Pirates fleet-footed centerfielder (no, he doesn’t have ships for feet).  I picked him up in one 15 team league.  He was just dissected last week in our Scouting the Unknown.  Best case scenario is .280/25 steals with maybe 5 homers.  He’s Dexter Fowler, ya’ll!  I’d pick him up in 12 team leagues unless you’re bloated with steals, but, really, who ever has too many steals?  Remember though, if you pick him up, you might have to watch Pirates highlights.

Gordon Beckham – The 2008 1st round draft pick of the White Sox has been promoted, presumably to man 3rd base (bye bye Betemit) and maybe see time at 2nd or short.  He doesn’t have much of a minor league record to go on, but the 200 or so minor-league ABs show solid AVG and 15-20 HR pop.  Upside for this year is Tulo’s rookie year.  Downside for this year is Tulo since his rookie year.  So dust off that waiver claim in mixed leagues, if you’ve got a mediocre MI.  Between Clayton Richard and Gordon Beckham, White Sox GM Ken Williams has seen a lot more success in the draft after focusing on prospects that sound ultra-British.  How’d he miss out on Collin Balester?

Ian Stewart – 2-for-4 with a 3 run HR yesterday.  That’s his first time in weeks that he made contact twice in a game let alone safely put them in play.  He’s barely usable in 12-team leagues now with his selling points as follows:  1) He has 2B/3B eligibility and is 1 game away from OF,  2) He has serious power.  Even with his Razztastic .188 AVG, he has 8 HRs and 23 RBIs, 3) He does walk a good amount (near .300 OBP), and 4) He enjoys a good slap and tickle as much as Clayton Richard and Gordon Beckham.

Jose Reyes – Now won’t return on Friday as he aggravated his calf and fantasy owners.  Is it me or is there more injuries this year than any year in the history of the world?  WTF?  Seriously.  Can we get our shizz together and stay healthy?  Ta!

Joey Votto – Reds have gone on record saying Votto is dealing with some personal issues.  Dusty said, “I once hiccuped and swallowed my toothpick when managing the Cubs.  I didn’t think much of it, but felt a light-headed for a couple weeks.  I started Kerry Wood 5 straight days during one stretch when I meant to give him an off day in between.  Then I sneezed and a toothpick shot out of my ear and poked Mark Prior in the shoulder, which caused it to dislocate.”

Laynce Nix – While younger bro, Jayson (mom & dad likes them unnecessary Y’s) waits for an opportunity in Chicago, the older Nix is getting some love from Dusty over Dickerson & Gomes.  A 2 HR day today was rather Brucian of him, but ignore this Ranger/Brewer retread unless you’ve got some inside dope that the Nix brothers got the same ‘strength trainer’ as the Giles brothers used to employ.

Derek Lowe – 7 IP, 2 ER.  Really wish I owned him in a league.  No, he’s not dazzling, but it’s so nice to have a guy that consistently gives up 3 or fewer runs.   So far he’s only had one game where he’s given up more than 4 runs and has a 3.40 ERA on the year.

Ted Lilly – 7 IP, 1 ER.  What I said about Lowe, but with a few more strikeouts.

Scott Feldman – Now 5-0 with a 3.79 ERA.  And he pitches for Texas.  It’s like that Bizarro Seinfeld episode where Feldman is the considerate and productive Kramer.  Why do we have the feeling that we’ll be cursing him out like the real Kramer would once summer comes around in Arlington?

Hunter Pence – 4-for-5, .346 on the year and battling Tejada in the NL batting race.  Speaking of bizarro, when did Pence decide to start drawing walks like Picasso drew guernicas?  He has as many walks as he did his whole rookie year in 2007.  He has only one less walk than strikeout this year.  Last year, he had 40 walks and 124 Ks.  That’s a terrific trend.  Maybe he can talk to Frenchy.

Jeff Niemann – Niemann!  Hey, we got a theme going here.  He threw a complete game, two-hitter with 9 Ks.  Not sure what’s in the water down in Tampa (though it’s probably served at Hooter’s), but it seems like every year they get a great performance from a not-so-great pitcher (Sonnanstine ’08).  Still, I wouldn’t trust Niemann going forward.

Jhonny Peralta – Hit a 3-run HR tonight which ups his season total to….2.  For a SS whose only value is his power.  Oh well, he’s still doing better than fellow silent-H shortstop, Khalil Greene, who is suffering from a harshed mellow.

Kyle Lohse – Left the game with forearm discomfort.  The Cards trainer said this was a similar injury to what Royce Clayton suffered in ’98 when he greeted McGwire in the dugout after a homer.  Dave Duncan shrugged his shoulders saying, “Whatever.  I’ll just find another scrub pitcher to turn into a servicable starter.  These reclamation projects are getting too easy.  Someone get me Ankiel.”

Dr. Brian Bannister – The Incredible Hulk of Crap.

Jonathan Broxton – Hit 100 MPH on three straight pitches.  Cust kayin’.

Josh Outman – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER.  He has a near-4.50 FIP.  Caveat, Razzballer.

Adrian Beltre – 3-for-5, HR and 3 RBIs.  He’s hot.  I know you don’t want to believe it but he is; .357 over the last 7 games and 8-for-10 over his last two.

Ben Zobrist – Hit a grand slam for his 10th HR.  Is this one of those body-switch movies between BJ Upton and Ben Zobrist?  Which one’s Fred Savage?

J.A. Happ – 7 IP, 0 ER.  Okay, Happ-shot, now the schedule gets hard.  Wait, he gets the Mets in Metco next.  Hmm… You can’t spell Tummyaches without M-E-T-S.

Kevin Youkilis – Left the game with an ankle injury.  One exuberant fan thought Youk’s ankle was broken and yelled Opa!