Fantasy Baseball Advice

Justin Smoak has back-to-back days with home runs and back-to-back-to-back games with a home run.  Say that fast 117 times!  Where there’s Smoak, there’s fire!  See what I did there?!  Did you see?!  Yeah, of course you did, it was pretty obvious.  Smoak seems to be the hot schmotato of the moment.  (Hot schmotato hasn’t made its official way yet into the glossary.  Just taking it out for a test drive, seeing how it feels.  It does have that new Razzball glossary word smell.)  If you’re currently rocking a corner infidel that doesn’t excite you or your nipples, grab Smoak.  Kid’s got talent and might just be coming into his own.  The lost Smoak monster is found!  (BTW, he was a preseason sleeper.  Wink, wink, nudge, nudge, bassoon.)  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Erik Bedard – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks.  When he’s healthy, he’s usually pretty a’ight, so, sure, I’d grab him.  As Fonzie’s horse would say, what the hey!

Yovani Gallardo – 5 IP, 6 ER, 13 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Fudge!  Only I didn’t say fudge, I said the mother of all curse words.

Mark Teixeira – Left the game with a shoulder injury.  Joe Girardi said it wasn’t serious.  Then again, Joe Girardi wears braces.  We’re supposed to believe this guy?  Does Joe Girardi own Te(i)x on his fantasy team?  Well?

Phil Hughes – His arm went through five more hours of testing.  Hopefully his arm gets into its school of choice.

Bartolo Colon – 8 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks. You should pick him up (for someone else’s team after stealing their password).

Eduardo Sanchez – 1 IP, 2 ER with the save.  This is your brain.  This is your brain trying to figure out who La Russa is gonna use to close games.  But whatever cuz Eduardo looked like Retardo Montalban and promptly gave up some runs.  The closing job is cursed!  I’d grab Boggs, Sanchez, Franklin (recorded no outs and gave up 2 runs in this game) or Motte.  Really in any order, and hope you choose right because this closerousel is off the hinges and the horses are going up down all willy-nilly and shizz with no leather straps.

Brett Wallace – 11 for his last 17.  Another hot schmotato.  (It’s starting to feel a bit more comfortable.)  Hitting .524 in the last week.  Yeah, go ahead and grab him.

Roy Oswalt – Left the Phillies due to personal reasons.  A source close to the situation says Oswalt was playing Halladay in Words With Friends and Halladay played “djin” on a triple word and Oswalt threw his cellphone in the garbage and left.

Tommy Hanson – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks.  Hommy Tanson!

Chipper Jones – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs.  Glass Chipper has the 2nd most RBIs in the major leagues.  In other news, RBIs are stupid.

Mat Latos – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks and 5 unearned runs for the agita-filled ticker shock.

Jeff Francoeur – 2-for-4 with his fifth Freedom Fly.  For Frenchy, this might be as good as it baguettes, but go with him while it’s good.

Jim Thome – The Founding Father of Country Strong is day-to-day with a slight oblique strain.  More time to chop wood and chew tobacco.

Delmon Young – Headed to the DL with ribcage soreness.  Maybe Mauer coughed on his ribs.

Francisco Liriano – 3 IP, 7 ER.  If anyone wants to join me when I go to Hubert H. Homerfree Retrodome to throw a brown bag filled with crap at Liriano, more the merrier.

Tyson Ross – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Maybe I just want some Oakland A’s pitching action because it seems like they all can pitch, but I like Ross.  More in deep leagues than your run-of-the-mill variety, but still.

Carl Crawford – 0-for-4, hitting .156.  His start of the season reminds me of that terrific quote from Lawrence Taylor.  “My life is in the toilet and no one is flushing.”

Ryan Howard – Hit his 4th home run to keep pace with Shane Victorino, who hit his 4th homer earlier in the game.

Domonic Brown – Homered in his first rehab game.  I see your surgically-repaired hamate bone and I raise you a whole lot of talent.

Krispie Young – Hit two Krispie flies.  Not entirely sure why he’s leading off since walking for him is a feat.  Pun point!

Will Venable – 2 steals to bring his total to 8 while he hits .183.  I know what’s going on here, Venable’s trying to get his face on the SAGNOF t-shirt.

Alexi Ogando – When asked if Ogando would stay in the rotation when Hunter, Webb or Feldman returns, Ron Washington said, “I’m not taking him out of the rotation if he continues to pitch like this.  I’m not going to rob Peter to pay Paul.  Paul has to earn his pay.   Ogando is Peter and those guys are Paul.”  Doesn’t that sound like something Jules would say in Pulp Fiction?  Think we know what Washington’s wallet says.

Madison Bumgarner – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Sonavabench!  I’ve figured out what it takes for one of my starters to pitch well.  I have to bench them.  Works like a charm.  A charm that is infected with typhoid fever and gives you the shakes.  A charm, nevertheless.

James McDonald – 6 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Or I can just drop them.  That works too.

Jose Tabata – 1-for-4, now batting .267.  Member when him, The Dread Pirate and Neil Walker were all batting .350+?  I liked that.  Can we go back to that?

Roger Bernadina – 2-for-2 but didn’t start.  Might want to cover your ears for a second… LET HIM PLAY, NATS!  YOU IDIOTS!

Casey Blake – Out for a month with gray-haired, old man brittle bones.  “I have gray-haired, old man brittle bones!  Watch me creak!”  That’s what Blake said.

Jonathan Broxton – Didn’t appear in the game because his elbow was a little tender.  Or al dente, if you will.

Vicente Padilla – Recorded his first save.  The over/under for Padilla saves is 7.  I’m taking the under.  I highly doubt he gets more than 4 after Kuo returns.  In deep leagues or those leagues where you’re bonkers desperate for saves, by all means.

Andre Ethier – 2-for-5 with his third homer as he pushes his hitting streak to 24 games.  Los Angeles hasn’t seen a streak like this since Mike Piazza frosted his hair.

We at Razzball realize that exporting our views across the country has damaging consequences on the blogosphere. To help make amends, we are reaching out to leading team blogs and featuring their locally blogged answers to pressing 2011 fantasy baseball questions regarding their team. We feel this approach will be fresher, more sustainable, and require less energy consumption (for us anyway). The 2011 Astros Fantasy Baseball Preview comes courtesy of Astros County.

1. I’m having a hard time thinking Chris Johnson will be as productive over a full season as he was in a little over half of a year.  What’s your take?

It’s certainly reasonable to assume that Johnson won’t have as strong of a 2011 (that .387 BABIP is dangling in the edge of ridiculousness). So once pitchers figure out his strengths (hitting while ahead in the count) and his weaknesses (hitting things other than fastballs), he’ll be due for some regression. But I hope not.

2. I’m a sucker for strikeouts.  I wouldn’t mind seeing something other than strikeouts though.  Which brings us to Bud Norris.  Can he shave a run off his ERA in 2010?  Maintain his 9+ K/9?  Lower his walk rate?

The best way for Norris to improve is with his consistency. He had six starts last season in which he didn’t make it out of the 5th, and six starts where he pitched 7+ innings. He’s going to have to be more efficient, and that’s going to come with not walking guys, something he did quite a bit in 2010. Norris only had one start in which he didn’t walk a batter and four more where he only walked one, and seven starts where he walked 4+ batters. With pitching coach Brad Arnsberg in his second season, I think Astros fans expect him to improve.

3. Brett Wallace’s been passed around more than a spliff at a Cypress Hill concert.  Can he settle in at 1st base and be productive in 2010?

Ha! Something that I like to point out regarding Brett Wallace’s frequent-flyer status is, look who he got traded for: Matt Holliday, Michael Taylor, and Anthony Gose – a player who the Blue Jays were apparently foaming at the mouth to get. But whether he’ll be productive in 2011? That’s what keeps Ed Wade up at night. He’ll be given a chance, but I’m not sure how long his leash will be. The Astros have more OF options in the farm system than 1B options. So if Wallace struggles in Spring Training, Carlos Lee will be your huckleberry at 1B.

4. Hunter Pence looks like he’s settled into a solid 25/15 man, +/- 3 on either.  Can he have one of those improbable 35 homer seasons and surprise everyone?

It’s possible. He’s been pretty consistent in the 15% range as far as homers and flyballs, but he hits a lot of grounders. That’s a short left-field at Minute Maid Park, so if it’s going to happen anywhere, he’s in the right spot.

5. Chris McGarry is playing Ed Wade in the Moneyball movie.  Any truth that Ed Wade’s toupee will be played by Robin Williams?

It was my understanding that Burt Reynolds was playing Ed Wade’s toupee, and the toupee gets traded to the Phillies midway through the movie.

Evan Longoria is out 3 weeks with an oblique injury.  He’s not to pick up a bat, ball or AK-47.  Looks like the oblique is still the number one injury that no one has any clue about.  Intercostal injury twirls its Snidely Whiplash mustache and plots its revenge.  For those who lost Holliday and Longoria this weekend, I’m pouring some Mad Dog out for you.  BTW, I was just thinking something… CAN WE FIGURE OUT WHAT THE DEAL IS WITH THE OBLIQUE AND HOW TO PREVENT THESE INJURIES?  Seriously, modern medicine step up your game!  There’s gotta be something that we can do.  Have we tried to apply dolphin tears to the sore area?  If I were on Celebrity Apprentice, I’d be playing for a cure for oblique injuries.  This injury should guarantee everyday ABs for Sean Rodriguez.  Great, that eases my pain.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Matt Holliday – Out up to a month for an appendectomy?  Isn’t this an outpatient procedure?  My friend in high school had out his appendix then funneled a forty of Old E to ease the soreness.  Granted, he was mental and is now in prison, but c’mon… Buck up, players!  I own some of you in fantasy.  Having a similar procedure last year, Andres Torres returned after 11 days.  Corey Hart took 4 weeks, but he’s Amish.  I think Holliday will be out 3 weeks.  It’s too early in the season for them to rush him back.  The Federalist, Jon Jay should see most of the time in his stead.  Allen Craig will see the occasional ABs though, so in most leagues I wouldn’t add either.

Mike Minor – He’s back.  But it may not be for long.  Jar-Jar is set to make a rehab start on April 11th then potentially return after that.  So you’re looking at two maybe more starts from Minor.  I’d add him in all leagues, but I wouldn’t drop anyone worthwhile yet.  Because I’m psychic, I’ll answer your question right now.  Beachy over Minor for now.

Jaime Garcia – 9 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Murray Chass — 1.  “Newfangled stats” that said Garcia would regress — 0.

Dustin Moseley – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks.  How about the gutsy performances the Hodgepadres gave this weekend away from home?  Sheer force-itude!    Wait a second, I’m now looking at the Cards lineup.  Hmm… They may as well bat the pitcher fourth.

Matt Garza – 7 IP, 3 ER, 12 baserunners, 12 Ks.  It’s an extravaGarza!  That’s a real nice sign even vs. the Pirates since their hitting isn’t its usual crizzap self.

Alfonso Soriano – 1-for-4 with a homer.  He was in the post about hitters who do well in April.  I’d give him the month to see if it holds.

Mike Napoli – Hit his 2nd homer.  Not much of a limb here, but he could hit 30 homers.

Nelson Cruz – 1-for-4 with his 3rd homer.  Kinsler also hit his third homer in yesterday’s game.  Over IM, Rudy said something like, “If Cruz, Hamilton and Kinsler were to play 155+ games, they’d all be MVP candidates.”  And that’s me paraphrasing Rudy!

Fernando Rodney – He’s hot garbage.  No.  He’s cold garbage that you take out of the trash can, put in the microwave and serve in a dirty ashtray.  The bullpen is in tatters.  Shattered.  I grabbed Takahashi in a few leagues because the Sciosciapath may see that he has closing experience and get the giggles.  Though I would grab Walden first, then Jepsen; they were, unfortunately, gone in my leagues.

Bobby Abreu – 4-for-4, homer.  Another guy that was in the best April hitters post.  Cust kayin’.

Howie Kendrick – 2 homers yesterday, 3 in four games.  I liked Kendrick coming into this year, and now I’m check raising to the bettor that he has a solid season.

Alex Gordon – 4-for-6, 4 runs, 1 RBI and batted third.  Cool, do it for another five straight months and all will be forgiven for the three years of anguish you put me through.

Ryan Hanigan – 4-for-4, 2 homers.  You ever wanna wonder if everyone in the world has a doppelganger but because there’s so many people you’ll never meet them?  Like somewhere there’s a Brian Hanigan who looks and acts exactly like Ryan Hanigan, but, instead of catching in the Major Leagues, Brian Hanigan lives in Fiji and catches coconuts when they fall from palm trees.  Yeah, maybe it’s me.  Hanigan could push Ramon Hernandez into a backup role rather than the timeshare they’re in.  But, as of right now, Hanigan might be tough to own in one catcher mixed leagues.

Jose Bautista – 2-for-4 with his 2nd homer.  2010 called, they want your insane year back.  I still believe Bautista won’t come close to last year.  If he has twenty homers by the All-Star Break, then I’ll send out my mea culpas and buy everyone a Frosty from Wendy’s.*  *Offer not good in the 48 contiguous states, Canada or anywhere else.

Joe Nathan – Got the save but gave up an earned run.  I’d continue to hold Capps.

Miguel Cabrera – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs, 2 homers, and one late Saturday night with Charlie Sheen.

Brennan Boesch – 4-for-4, 4 RBIs, 1 homer and was hitting third because the unreliable-to-stay-healthy Maggs was out.  It’s a situation worth monitoring.  Or not.  Your choice.

Max Scherzer – 5 IP, 6 ER, 11 baserunners, 6 Ks but the Win.  There should be a glossary term for when your pitcher does awful but because you get the win, you’re sorta okay with it.  Please make suggestions in the comments.

Phil Hughes – 4 IP, 5 ER, 7 baserunners, 1 K and the Yanks pitching coach is concerned about his loss in velocity.  I wanted nothing to do with Hughes this year.  I.e., if you Hughes, you lose.

Jorge Posada – 2 homers.  Hip Hop Jorge!

Justin Masterson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 0 Ks.  Note to Self:  If Masterson has two more quality starts, start touting him as a pickup.  Note to Self, II:  You know as soon as you tout him he’s gonna kick you in the nads.  Note to Self, III:  There’s no Note to Self, III.

Carl Crawford – Dropped to 7th in the lineup.  Wow, Francona is like one of those crazy fantasy managers that drops their fifth round pick because they went 0-for-5.  Not naming any names.  Though there’s a few of you that might qualify.

Carlos Gomez – 1 for his last 8 with three Ks.  He was in Friday’s Buy/Sell, but he could also be on the bench by April 15th.

Brian Matusz – Going to the DL with a strained intercostal muscle.  Watch out oblique!  I’m gaining on you!  He’s a marginal 10/12-team mixed league starter at this point (mainly because of AL East and his crappy team) so you can drop him if you don’t have an open DL spot.

Zach Britton – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks.  First Brandon Belt, now Britton.  It’s hard to believe in Oriole SP prospects for mixed league play after the mixed results of Matusz (and Tillman and Arrieta and the Razztastic, Brad Bergesen).  Britton doesn’t project as well as Matusz, but he induces a lot of ground balls which should limit his downside.  And while his K-rate isn’t stellar, it’s not Buehrle-bad (7.60 per 9 IP in AAA).  For now, Britton’s a viable match-up candidate (I’d like to say great for the pun) assuming he’s not going against the AL East, Texas, or at Chicago.

Kyle Drabek – KD left us with a constant craving for more – giving up only one hit and 3 walks with 7 K’s in 7 innings.  I haven’t seen Twins abused that bad since this one porn…. Drabek’s a must-own in deep leagues but still pretty marginal for 10-12 team leagues.

J.P. Arencibia – 2 HRs and a triple on Friday.  Thatsa one spicy hitting line!  From now on, he will be known as Napolito.

Travis Wood – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks.  May not have made this known as much as I should’ve, but I absolutely love Wood.  Okay, that sounded wrong.  I’d definitely grab Wood.  Okay, still wrong.

R.A. Dickey – 6 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks.  I don’t like Dickey.  Hmm, this has devolved, hasn’t it?

Jordan Zimmermann – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks, though when I saw the score was 11-2 I did have a bit of Ticker Shock.

Mike Morse – 1 for his first 9.  The retractable leash is stopped and soon I’m gonna start pulling him in.

Brian Wilson – Ready to return from his oblique injury.  Because of the mysterious Yin-Yang nature of the oblique, I blame Wilson’s good health for Longoria’s injury.

Ubaldo Jimenez – Might miss his next start because he switched manicurists and his cuticle was cut.  His plan is to try and heal his finger by soaking it in pickle juice, which sounds like a cure out of My Big Fat Greek Wedding or a Judy Blume book.

Bud Norris – 4 IP, 5 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Not great.  We’re in agreement on that point, but four came in the first (three were a homer by Howard), then he settled down.

Brett Wallace – 0-for-3, batting .091 so far.  His uncle George Wallace is not smiling in a blue suit at Brett’s performance so far.

Mike Stanton – Has a strain in one of his pony sticks, but he should be back in a few days.

Javier Vazquez – 2 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners.  Hey, at least he didn’t run over my dog.  I have very little patience with this schmohawk.  I’m not dropping him in my leagues yet, but I’m making contingency plans.  If I’m using the word contingency correctly.

Donnie Murphy – Will miss a day or two after being hit on the wrist.  Must’ve been Murph’s past coming back.  “I did some bad things, Fredi.”  That’s from Ben Affleck’s new movie where a Boston ex-con becomes a major leaguer but can’t escape his past.  “Hey, Sully, what the fick is a Mahlin?”  Starring Ben Affleck as Donnie Murphy!  And Casey Affleck as Chris Coghlan!  Ben Affleck, “Hey, Matty, how about you and me in a movie for old time’s sake?”  “Ask Renner.”  “You can use your Boston accent.”  “Ask Robin.”  “What, cause I’m not Martin Friggin’ Scorcese?  Where was Mahtin when you got in a fight in high school with Big Fitzy?”

After a long, much-needed vacation, Friday’s Buy/Sell returns.  Friday’s Buy/Sell, “I spent the better part of the last four months having my naughty bits lathered in Marshmallow Fluff.”  *crickets*   Friday’s Buy/Sell, “All right, let’s get to the post.”  Brett Gardner hit leadoff on Opening Day.  In case you recently emerged from a coma, I’ll give it to you one more time.  Gardner equals Jacoby Ellsbury.  They’re the same.  Tomato-tomato with a different emphasis.  Right now, maybe you’re like, “No dur.”  Okay, but in our Funston-fueled draft, Ellsbury went 70 picks before Gardner, so you may be saying “No dur,” but someone else is saying “Yeah dur.”  If you’re a yeah dur’er and not a no dur’er, you might want to reconsider your dur’s.  Or it’s dur on you.  You want dur on you?  No, you want no dur.  Now, I’m not saying you should sell Ellsbury for less than his worth.  I think he’s going to be fine, but if you can sell Ellsbury for a big bat or SP and get Gardner much cheaper, you do that.  Dur.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Mark Trumbo – May not start every day, may not last in the majors when the once-singular Kendrys returns.  Don’t matter to me.  You’re not dropping anyone worthwhile to take the gambo.

Alex Gordon – I swear to your deity of choice that if Gordon fails again this year I’m UPS’ing him a flaming turd.

Kila Ka’aihue – I’d take Ka’aihue before Gordon.  Thanks for asking, Random Razzball Commenter.

Brett Wallace – Have you seen the Astros lineup?  If Wallace does anything to impress, he could be hitting third by May.

Brandon Belt – I just wrote my Brandon Belt fantasy yesterday.  I wrote it in pink highlighter on my Trapper Keeper and had an anteater transcribe it.  The lengths I go to for you!

Edwin Encarnacion – 25 homers and a poor average are a lock if he just stays healthy.  It’s not quite butter without the ER in AL-Only leagues.  In mixed leagues, you might prefer a flying elbow.

Brandon Beachy – I will now attempt to write a Beachy blurb without a pun.  He’s the fifth starter on the Braves with solid upside, but not without piers– gah!  Okay, trying again.  I do love Beachy; he’s a total playa– dah!  All right, last chance.  Beachy is fly like a G6 because they’re both jetty.  Sorry, that was terrible.

Andrew Cashner – Worth a flyer in NL-Only leagues for now, but with all of his BBs you might wanna shoot your eye out.

Charlie Morton – Rudy was scatting around town, jazzed about grabbing this guy in one of our NL-Only leagues.  Here’s what Rudy said, “There are two types of crappy pitchers:  1) The type that get hit because they have bad stuff and 2) The type that get hit because they don’t know how to use their good stuff.  At least with the second type, they might figure it out.  Charlie Morton is the 2nd type.”  And that’s me quoting Rudy!

Carlos Gomez – He’s dazzling in his lack of baseball skills.  Not sure how many people remember this SAGNOF schmohawk from the early Naughts but you know who Gomez reminds me of?  Alex Sanchez.  Yeah, the gooftard who would hit one homer a year and got caught doing PEDs.  For some reason, I’ve been seeing a lot of other SAGNOF guys on teams (countless teams with Tabata) but no Gomez.  He’s cheap steals and could surprise with a few homers.  There’s value in that.

Ryan Doumit – While Chris Snyder is on the DL, no reason why you can’t throw Doumit a bone.*  *Mandatory one catcher per Buy/Sell requirement filled.

Jose Contreras – Okay, now for the SAGNOF portion of our program, which is brought to you by Purina Dog Chow.  It’s pitchy, dog!  The AARP Man of the Year looks to be the favorite in Philly.  I think it’s going to be closer to a timeshare with Madson than that.

Ryan Madson – See 1/8th of an inch above.

Sergio Romo – In some leagues, I wouldn’t go crazy adding Romo.  Doode can design the shizz out of jeans but Wilson should be back by the middle of next week.

Sean Burnett – Is there a more unexciting name?  He needs a nickname, like Stymie.  Stymie Burnett should get the majority of the saves early on, but I’d think Storen works his way into the majority by May.

Brian Fuentes – Here’s a guy I’d add all over the place.  I trust Andrew Bailey getting/staying healthy about as much as I trust flyers left on my apartment building front door.  What happened, you ask?  So, I come home around 3AM, drunk and there’s a sign posted on my apartment building front door about a party in apartment #14.  I’m like, “Party!”  So I run up to #14, throw open the door and there’s four guys standing there naked in a circle.  Yup.  I did the ‘ol slow backwards walk while saying, “Wrong apartment.”

Sell

Mat Latos – Ground rules for the Sells.  Some of these guys are droppable, some are tradeable and some are just overrated and trades should be explored.  Latos is tradeable.  Here’s you drafting him, “Grey thinks he knows better than me… HA!  I will show that mustachioed man a thing or two about a thing or two– No, Mom, I’m not talking to myself!  Shut my door!”  Latos is going to break down this year.  It’s I to the nevitable.  The writing is all over the wall.  He already has a shoulder strain in the spring.  He’s going to magically get better by throwing 200 innings?  Sorry, doode, you don’t even need Angela Lansbury, you’re brainwashing yourself.

Jair Jurrjens – Hey, it’s a Razzball favorite in opposite world.  He’s a 4+ ERA pitcher with a bleh strikeout rate and he’s injury-prone.  Sounds terrific in opposite world.  Maybe when you’re done parking your Lamborghini in opposite world and making love to Jessica Alba (or George Clooney for our three girl readers — I didn’t forget about you, ladies!), you lose Jar-Jar.

I wanna just throw away this first start by Yunesky Maya.  Just ignore it.  The reason why I’m having a hard time throwing it away, young Razzball reader, is because I watched him pitch.  I’m no scout with fancy scouting degrees from fancy scouting schools where people chew toothpicks and spit chew.  I just know what I see.  And what I saw yesterday was a guy who throws junk.  His stuff didn’t look very overpowering.  Reminded me a bit of El Duque without the Funky Cold Delivery.  Maybe Maya’s start yesterday was due to nerves.  It’s not easy to live up to some recent Cuban raftees.  Maya’s Cuban league numbers tell us he’s a guy who should be owned in keepers and dynasty leagues.  He did, after all, win The Luis Tiant, the Cuban Cy Young award.  And potentially even more enticing with Maya is he’s already 29-years-old, which means he should be in the prime of his career.  In redraft leagues, losing to Dillon Gee, who sounds like a bank robber from the 1890s, isn’t a great confidence boost to recommend him for 2010.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Josh Hamilton – With me away on vacation for Labor Day, obviously no one took up the slack to pray every 2 hours towards Mecca that Hamilton wouldn’t get injured.  Thanks, guys (and 3 girls)!  (How was my vacation?  Thanks for asking!  It was all right.  You know how when you don’t look at something for a while you come back to it with fresh eyes and see things differently?  It’s the Jigsaw Puzzle Theorem as demonstrated by your 12-year-old nephew who can’t figure out how to complete the 101 Dalmatians jigsaw then, when he revisits it the next day, it all fits into place.  That’s what happened with me.  I had this stain dead center on my monitor for the better part of 3 months then, when I returned yesterday, I realized it was just dried tomato sauce and scratched it off with a fingernail.  Puttanesca, you dirty sauce!)

Elvis Andrus – Will be out until Friday with hammy woes.  I still like Elvis and his bedazzled upside for next year, but you need to find someone who’s producing this year in redraft leagues.  (BTW, I have a fat Elvis picture across from my refrigerator in a room I call my kitsch’n.)

David Murphy – 3-for-4 and hitting .400 over the last week.  Also hitting third with Hamilton out.  He gets a lefty today (bleh) but then some righties.

Alex Rodriguez – The problem is for a lot of these players on contending teams, they’re not needed anymore in the regular season.  And there’s the pickle with H2H leagues.  A-Rod may coast the rest of the season, making sure he doesn’t re-injure himself.  Hamilton’s in this cluster of muckety mucks too.

Jay Bruce – See Alex Rodriguez or 1/8th of an inch above.

Justin Upton – Then you have the opposite side of that same coin.  The Diamondbacks aren’t anywhere near a playoff spot, so they won’t force Upton back into action.

Barry Enright – 6 IP, 6 ER.  Uncle Barry violated my no-no area over and over again.

Vernon Wells – 3-for-3, 2 RBIs, 2 Runs and 2 homers.  But I’m pretty sure Bautista actually hit one of those homers.

John Buck – 2-for-4 with his 17th homer.  John Buck has 17 homers?!  Make sure to sign the petition to have a humidor put in the Rogers Centre.

Dillon Gee – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Gee, that’s great.  Unfortunately, he had a 4.96 ERA in Triple-A this year.  That’s a pass.

Ike Davis – 2-for-3 with his 18th homer.  Now has 3 homers in his last 4 games and hitting .364 over the last week.  Look at Ike smacking that pitch up.

Miguel Cabrera – Left the game with bicep tendinitis.  He sat out last Friday’s game with this shizz so this isn’t a good sign that it reappeared.  It could cost him a few days since the days of numbing the pain by doing body shots out off Miguel Olivo’s navel are in the past.

Billy Butler – According to a Royals’ beat writer, Butler was hurt taking a ground ball off his chest.  Guess he wasn’t wearing his metal cone bra.

Ryan Madson – Got the Win and the blown save.  Lidge wasn’t used because he has a sore elbow.  Sore elbow on a guy who had elbow surgery is bad news.  I’d grab Madson everywhere you need saves.  Just remember, he has Cuddle Boy tendencies.

Shane Victorino – 2-for-5 with the slam & legs.  For what it’s Wuertz, Victorino has 17 homers and 30 steals.  You could argue that his average is a bit down this year, but that’s falling on deaf ears as far as I’m concerned.

Nolan Reimold – Well, lookie-lookie.  If it ain’t the pot calling the kettle, where the hell you been?  A preseason favorite of mine, Reimold hit a homer yesterday.  He hasn’t been playing every day since his recall, but I may just like him again next year.  You’ve been served (with info)!

B.J. Upton – 2-for-3, 3 Runs and a homer and steal.  He has 15 homers and 39 steals.  Again, if you’re crying about his average like it’s a knee scrap, go cry to Rudy because you’re not getting any sympathy from me.

James McDonald – 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, e, i, e, i, o.  I do like McDonald in the right matchups, but this start was against the Braves, who right now like they couldn’t hit the broadside of a barn with an Adam Dunn-driven tractor.

Brandon Lyon – You know what’s the strongest job approval you can get as a closer?  When the other guy competing for the job says you’re the closer.  That’s what Lindstrom said of Lyon the other day.

Brett Wallace – 1-for-4 with his 1st homer.  He’s hitting .204 in 92 ABs.  Maybe the 7 teams that traded him away might’ve known something.  I’m not writing him off yet, but he’s looked like a White Castle hamburger if you were to replace the hamburger with a turd (assuming White Castle hasn’t done that already).

Jim Thome – He’s showing the young mollywhoppers how the old mollywhoppers used to mollwhop, i.e., he’s hit 4 homers in the last three games.

Josh Johnson – Due to back and side pain, Johnson was scratched from his next start.  The chances of his porn star brother, Gosh Johnson, making the start for him are 50-50 if he can find his pants.

Gordon Beckham – Too bad he’s done so little this year to deserve a hand because he could use one right now.  More than a week after the injury happened and he’s sitting out due to pain?  This is reason to drop him in most leagues.

Trevor Hoffman – Recorded his 600th save.  Here are some fun facts about what the world looked like when Hoffman recorded his first save in 1993.  Sister Act 2:  Back in the Habit had audiences Whoopified, Rick Astley called it quits at the age of 27, saying he won’t play another concert until he becomes an internet meme and Tipper Gore was going through Bill Clinton’s CD collection, removing suggestive titles.  Oh, and Trevor Hoffman was still good.

Jhoulys Chacin – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Mora made a mental error that led to Chacin’s two earned runs.  If not for Mora, Chacin would still be pitching… Well, if the game was still going… And if there was a 12 hour rain delay and Chacin wasn’t officially removed yet.  You get my point, Chacin pitched better than his line indicts.

Eric Young Jr. – 2-for-3 with his 14th steal in 34 games.  If you don’t love Young, you don’t love yourself.  Find someone to talk to.

Justin Masterson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Now has three straight starts of two earned runs given up or less.  He gets the Angels again next.  Not without its risk, but if you need to take a gamble, there ya go.

Mat Latos – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks.  With the Padres pennant race going down to the wire, Latos is probably going to go way over his innings limit.  Cust kayin’.

Colby Rasmus – Sounds like Pujols hates Rasmus’ stupid face and thinks he should leave the Cards this offseason.  In related Cards news, no word on whether the Cards 2nd best hitter will be attending the annual Israeli event that shares his name — “Challah Day.”