Fantasy Baseball Advice

This is it, fellas and three girl readers. The last train is leaving the station. The giddy has just about got up and went. It’s your last chance and I’d throw every single pitcher, not just the ones I have listed here if it meant the difference in my league. You need to do what you do. The line for last week was 5.02 ERA, 1.66 WHIP, 57 Ks and 5 Wins in 77 IP.  Um, that’s hideous.  If I were to remove Eveland, Huff and Lincoln, ERA would drop to 3.52.  So most the damage was done by three guys.  Still, blech.  Let’s see if I can avoid recommending Lincoln for a third week!  To recap, these aren’t guys I’d drop anyone worthwhile to get, these starters are meant for streaming purposes and all of their ownership in ESPN is under 50%. These streamers are in no particular order. Also, in the final days of the season, managers juggle their lineups more, so there’s no guarantee all of these guys are listed on the right day. Anyway, here’s some borderline starters for this week in fantasy baseball:

Friday, September 23rd

Carl Pavano – Against the Indians this year, he’s been a Pava…yes.  See what I did there?  Spectacular!

Rick Porcello – The deal right now, in these last few days of September, is go big or go home or don’t go big and don’t go home.  In other words, you have to decide if you need to start a whole mess of guys to try and win, or if you can coast like the Phils.  Don’t fully trust Porcello but he’s better than some other schmohawks.

R.A. Dickey – He hasn’t been bad in two months and he gets the playoff-bound Phils.  I do tend to shy away from knuckleballers with Dickey being one.  (Must’ve been so hard for him growing up with a name like Dickey and being a knuckleballer.  I imagine it’s hard for anyone under the age of 45 to be a knuckleballer.  Knuckleballers don’t exactly pull the girls.  Or maybe they don’t pull girls so that’s why they become knuckleballers.  Deep thoughts with Grey Albright.)

Brett Myers – I nearly put Drew Pomenranz here too (his opponent).  One million ways to stream, choose one.

Aaron Harang – A few pitchers I liked for today were left off because they were just above 50% owned.  Basically, every pitcher on this Friday is a good spot start.

Saturday, September 24th

Cory Luebke – As good as Friday was for spot starters, Saturday’s that bad.  For full disclosure, I nearly suggested Jerome Williams, but then I thought about Jerome Williams and I decided nah.  Not a capital nah or a no way, just a small quiet nah.

Sunday, September 25th

Mike Minor – Not great matchups today either.  I mean, there’s some good pitchers going but they’re owned in more than 50% of leagues.  Minor’s at least good for some Ks.  BTW, this start could change if the Braves have already clinched.  Then Detwiler’s start vs them wouldn’t look as bad.

Edwin Jackson – Gave me a pretty lousy start last time he appeared in the borderline starter post (5 IP, 5 ER), but I’m a glutton for punishment.  Not gluten, gross.

Monday, September 26th

Randall Delgado – Will be a bit dependent on where the Braves are in the playoff race, but whether they’re in it or out of it, they’re going against the Phils who have packed it up.

Randy Wells – Only because he goes against the Padres in Petco.  On a related note, what are the Cubs doing in San Diego at the end of the season?  I can only imagine how well this would’ve went down if the Cubs were in the playoff chase… Okay, as hard as that is to imagine.

Brandon McCarthy – He’s only listed here because he was under 50% owned when I wrote this up.  I imagine by Monday he won’t be under 50% anymore.  He might not even be by today.

Jason Vargas – Him and McCarthy go against each other.  I don’t stream two pitchers in the same game, but chances are McCarthy will be gone and Vargas could throw a decent game, as well.

Tuesday, September 27th

Jeanmar Gomez – Sounds like a Swedish Latino, doesn’t he?  Swexicano?  Not the greatest of matchups with Gomez going against the Tigers if it wasn’t for the fact the Tigers will be resting for the playoffs.

Wednesday, September 28th

R.A. Dickey – Look at me, double dipping on Dickey this week.  That’s what she said!  Though I’m not sure why she would say that.  It’s not like it would reflect well on her.

Eric Surkamp – Unlike previous years, the Rockies folded up their blankets and checked out in August.  If Surkamp’s gone, I’d look at his opponent, Pomeranz, simply because the Giants aren’t that good.

Brett Myers – The last day of the season is actually a great day to stream pitchers.  Hitters take the last day off, managers bring in Triple-A hitters just to give them a chance to play, people check out, basically.

Brad Peacock – Thankfully, he’s not facing Dickey on the last day of the season because then my head would’ve exploded.  The one on my shoulders.

So it comes to this, the final countdown.  Cue Lou Gramm and let that blaze through your head as you listen to that classic from Foreigner.  If you read this in tune with that song, it’s almost like the Dark Side of the Moon/Wizard of Oz experience.  You have to read fast though.   I can’t believe the season is basically over as it seemed to fly by and I guess I missed all the fun.  This week is extended by 3 additional days so basically every pitcher you can think of goes twice during championship week. So there are tons of options and I just pulled my top 15 favorites based on pitching match-up favorability and my general guess work.  So as you read this, pitchers are in order of how they will appear in their first start of the week. Starting with 9/19. Check back mid-week as we will add a contribution for the last couple of games.  Good luck until Thursday.  Questions, comments or rants are greatly accepted.  (Pitchers and matchups will almost certainly occur this week due to teams clinching and whatnot.)

Kevin Millwood (SD vs. Luebke, @Hou vs. Norris) Was the starting pitching version of a pogo stick this year.  Found decent starts finally with his 4th team.  Last 5 starts ERA under 3.20.  Team scores runs, prolly better to score chicks, just my humble opine.

Mike Minor (@Fla vs. Nolasco, @Was vs. Wang) I was trying to get him to jump out of the birthday cake for Grey.  Unfortunately, he has a scheduling conflict.  Jim J. Bullock it is.   Sorry, homey.  Previous 3 starts 3.24 ERA, with some decent strikeout potential.

Jeremy Guthrie (@Bos vs. Lackey, @Det vs. Verlander) Last 5 starts, 2-1 with a 2.53 ERA and 30 K’s.  If his peak value wasn’t before the season started, it may be now when you need him the most. Maybe he was all on board the “Suck for Luck” campaign and forgot that he only plays football.

Jason Vargas (Min vs. Hendriks, Oak vs. McCarthy) Needs the Fister treatment.  No, not that kind of stuff.  Sicko.  A change of scenery makes his numbers look prettier.   Gets beat up once and awhile, but are we scared of the Twins and A’s offensive juggernauts?

Randy Wells (Mil vs. Marcum, @SD vs. Latos) Last 10 starts 6-1 with a 3.15 ERA only downfall is just 38 K’s.  Has pitched a lot better than a lot of sexier names that you prolly already roster over the last 30 days.  Just the facts.  And then Thursday happened and made what I just said irrelevant.

Bud Norris (@Cin vs. Bailey, Col vs. Millwood) I know Morrow gets more love but is 2 more K/9 more important than an uptick of 1.6 in ERA?  Not so much that it would lead to an almost double ownership.  I guess if I played for a loser I would go unnoticed too.

Chris Narveson (@CHC vs. Garza, Pit vs. Ohlendorf)  Starting, bullpen, back to starting.  Brewers will prolly have clinched by his first start.  When you dig deep, is it really horrible to have a pitcher from a winning team as your option?

Dana Eveland (SF vs. Vogelsong, @Ari vs. Hudson)  I could be wrong, but didn’t he star as MacGyver’s bald sidekick?  Getting by on looks, charm and a spoonful of who the heck is this guy? Tiny numbers in first 2 starts, you can roll the dice when I’m done playing click-clack.

Drew Pomeranz (@Hou vs. Myers,  @SF vs. Bumgarner) Features a plus fastball and curve, changeup needs work.  Reminds me a lot of Joe Saunders.  2 decent matchups as he fights for a rotation spot and fantasy formidability next year.

Henderson Alvarez (Ana vs. Santana, @CHW vs. Buehrle) A 3 ERA and a small WHIP from a groundball pitcher is almost as good as Reading Rainbow being back on the air.  Oh, it is.  Righteous.  It’s in a book, so take a look. Sorry got caught up in LeVar Burton’s goodness.

Philip Humber (Cle vs. Gomez, Tor vs. McGowan) Last 2 starts since coming off DL have been better than I expected.  That much needed time off looks like it refueled him for the faux baseball playoffs.

Jake Westbrook (NYM vs. Capuano, @Hou vs. Sosa)  Consistently is a 6 inning 3 ER pitcher, to hope for anything better would be like leaving Santa vegetables instead of cookies and then wonder why all your presents are broken.

Eric Surkamp (@Ari vs. Collmenter, Col vs. White) Man, that Barry Zito contract looks awesome right now.  Low K potential and lack of team run support hurts him some.  Any time I don’t have support I get all saggy, that ad brought to you by Spanx.

Felipe Paulino (@CHW vs. Stewart,  @Min vs. Diamond) We come for the Ks, that is all.  Now dance, monkey, as I turn this organ grinder.  In retrospect, it would be awesome if that monkey could do The Dougie.

Brett Myers (Col vs. Pomeranz, STL vs. Carpenter) Really useful right now, until he starts dating your sister and you’re like, “Wait a second,  I don’t want you dating my sister.”  1 ER in each of his last 4 appearances.  Would have liked to see him dealt to a contender, but there’s always next year.

In the next few days, the Diamondbacks are bringing up their top pitching prospect, Jarrod Parker, to work relief.  He’s a starter though, so it’ll be “Parker poseur” for all you indie kids out there with dark-rimmed glasses, smoking American Spirits.  In 2009, Stephen wrote, “(His) elbow tightness, that caused him to be DL’d on August 5th leading to a visit to Dr. Freeze’s office, is either a bad thing or a precautionary visit.  Speaking of which, I’d like to send Grey to the doctor’s office with my fist in his face.”  Hmm… That last line totally snuck past me the first time.  So, as we all know, no one goes to Dr. Freeze for precautionary reasons.  Parker missed the entire 2010 season after Tommy John surgery.  That’s a long time to eat Jell-O.  Unless you can eat solids after Tommy John surgery.  I don’t know, I’m not a doctor.  This year Parker’s rebounded nicely.  His stats (7.71 K-rate, 3.79 ERA) don’t read like he’s all the way back, but the Diamondbacks are promoting him and will allow him to compete for a 2012 rotation spot.  I trust the Diamondbacks’ judgment more than other teams and would absolutely take a flyer on Parker in keeper/NL-Only leagues.   Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Dontrelle Willis – 3 1/3 IP, 8 ER, 12 baserunners and the last person who still had faith in Willis’ comeback lost it — Todd Bridges.

Juan Francisco – 2-for-4 with his 3rd homer.  I’m gonna let you in on a little secret.  Lean close to the monitor so the guy reading over your shoulder can’t hear.  Okay, not that close, you’re gonna ruin your eyes.  I’m gonna like Juan Francisco a lot next year if he comes away with a starting job.  I mean, a lot.  Hang a big blinking sign on him that says sleeper.  You know what I’m saying?  Yeah, you do.  Okay, now back away from the monitor, it’s getting weird.

Brandon Phillips – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and two homers.  I’m pretty surprised Phillips has been healthy and his power (14 HRs) and speed (10 SBs) are so down.  At 30 years old, he shouldn’t be falling off already.  Bring back steroids!

Brad Lincoln – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 1 K.  Stupid Lincoln!  I’m glad you’ve fallen behind Kennedy and Washington in modern day popularity polls.

Neil Walker – 3-for-4.  When he hit 2 homers in the first week of the season, I had such high hopes for this schmohawk.  He’s now hit 10 homers in the last 22 weeks.  That’s less than a half homer per week.  A half of a homer is a double.  So less than that means he’s stopping between first and second?  So useless.  I hate you, Neil Walker.

Starlin Castro – 3-for-4, 4 runs, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer.  Can we say he was the one bright spot on the Cubs season?  Unless you count Big Z wearing a burlap sack muumuu and hailing a taxi to Crazy-ville.

Jeff Baker – 2-for-4 with his 3rd homer.  It’s nice, but they don’t play him every day so it’s only worthwhile to note it in very deep leagues.

Brett Myers – 8 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. the Phils.  I didn’t trust him for this start, but on a more important note.  His beard looks like it was art directed by Tim Burton.  Or he looks like he’s in The Hart Foundation.

Roy Oswalt – 7 IP, 5 ER, 13 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Charlie Manuel, “I said bring your “A” game, not a game!  Now where’s my straw for chewing?”

Chase Utley – Scheduled his second concussion test.  Guess he forgot he already took one.

Eric Surkamp – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 0 Ks vs. the Padres.  He got the win, but this is his 2nd start against the Padres that hasn’t exactly made me a believer for this year.

Brent Morel – Had his 2nd 2 homer game in the last week.  My what a fancy mushroom you are! If you’re desperate for power, I could see taking a flyer hoping that he’ll stay hot for another two weeks.

John Danks – 5 IP, 7 ER.  My hate for Neil Walker is nothing compared to what I have for Danks.  I am Sideshow Bob and Danks is Bart.

Rafael Furcal – 2-for-5, hitting .292 over the last week with 2 steals.  He says he needs to get on base to steal bases.  Props to his baserunning coach.  Teaching some heavy shizz over there in St. Louis.  Next lesson:  After You Hit The Ball, Run To First.  Break it up into two parts so you don’t lose anyone.

Josh Willingham – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and The Other White Meat now has 2 homers in his last 4 games.  When he hits them, he hits them in bunches like Mr. Chiquita Banana.

Andrew Bailey – Wasn’t able to go yesterday because of being hit on the head by a Kurt Suzuki line drive.  Bailey said, “I’d be on a stretcher if it wasn’t for those Oakley sunglasses.”  Charles Oakley said, “You’d be on a stretcher if you took my sunglasses.”

Miguel Olivo – 2-for-4 with his 18th homer.  Speaking of hitting them in bunches, Olivo does too and this was his 2nd homer in four days.

Jeff Niemann – 7 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks.  He gets the Sawx next which sounds like a sad trombone until you realize he has a 1.06 ERA vs. them in 17 innings this year.

Joel Peralta – Struck out three in a perfect inning for the save.  Stop circling your prey, save vultures, and swoop in.

Ryan Raburn – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer.  He’s been so yawnstipating this year it’s hard for me to build up much excitement for him, but this could be the start of a week run of hotness.

Erick Aybar – On Sunday, he went 4-for-5 and yesterday he hit a homer.  EA is in the game.

Josh Beckett – Set to return this weekend.  We’re left waiting for Beckett to see if he’ll return to lay an existential egg.

Coco Crisp – Will miss at least three more days.  Snap, crackle, crap.

Manny Ramirez – Was arrested after a domestic dispute.  Maybe he was mad because his wife took his last fertility pill.  “Now how is Manny gonna be womanny?!”

The playoffs roar on.  I am calling this week’s entry the De-Fib kit for your playoff hopes, the in case of emergency break glass list.  Well how bad could it honestly be,  if you’re still alive in the playoffs or are still trying to steal those last few points.  It’s a better alternative than being out of the playoffs and looking forward to fantasy hockey.  Shameless cross promotion is never a bad thing.  The fringe benefits are awesome, as I received a signed picture of Dick Button and a glass of water with a note attached saying it was ice from the Montreal Forum.  So continue the good fight as the playoffs continue on, comments or pitch or ditch questions are always welcome.  Good luck. (Please keep in mind that pitchers and matchups change.)

ONE START OPTIONS:

9/14
Luke Hochevar vs. Min – Pavano
Wade Davis @ Bal – Guthrie
Chris Narveson vs. Col – Millwood

9/15
Randy Wells @ Cin – Bailey
Chris Capuano vs. Was – Milone

9/16
Jeff Locke @ LA vs. – Kuroda
Wade Miley @ SD – Stauffer
Derek Lowe vs. NYM – Batista
Philip Humber @ KC – Paulino
John Lannan vs. Fla – Sanchez

Brett Myers (Phi vs. Oswalt, @CHC vs. Dempster) Two consecutive 1 ER outings in a row, technically 3 if you count the one in relief.  It’s Houston so you need to look on the brighter side when looking at stats.  Man, that possible change to the AL can’t come fast enough.

Eric Surkamp (SD vs. Harang, @Col vs. Pomeranz) The Giants are the Krylon of baseball.  If they score any runs pray for a rain shortened game.  Back end of the rotation potential type for next year.

Dillon Gee (Was vs. Wang, @Atl vs. Beachy) The second most popular Dylan/Dillon in NY next to the candy bar. Which if you haven’t been is the diabetic purgatory.  Faces Wang and at a Beachy — sounds like Sandy Hook.

Bruce Chen (Min vs. Hendriks, CHW vs. Peavy) Which Bruce shows up this week, the one that we make fun of or the one we get made fun of for using.  My inner Bruce Chen is flying a kite and whistling “Magic” by the Cars.  Spotty with a chance of bed wetting, is my professional fantasy scouting report of Chen.

Brad Lincoln (STL vs. Lohse, @LA vs. Eveland) In the playoffs see a penny pick it up, all the day your fantasy team may suck.  Previous 6 inning shutout of the Cards helps his case, LA just plain sucking is the Mrs. Butterworth’s on top. Random unrelated fact of the day, Mrs. Butterworth’s first name, Joy. You’re welcome.

R.A. Dickey (Was vs. Detwiler, @Atl vs. Hudson) I am not ashamed to say that I like me some Dickey this week.  Why is everyone laughing? Kanye likes the fish version, why can’t I like the baseball version?

Guillermo Moscoso (Ana vs. Williams, Det vs. Verlander) Billy the not so Nino.  People everywhere prolly added him right after his last start.  Good for them for being so astute and having zero real friends but 400 facebook friends.

Chris Volstad (@Atl vs. Beachy, @Was vs. Wang) Even in Norway he is barely usable.  I want to root for him because he has some potential.  He suffers from “one inning-itis”.  Also visits Sandy Hook this week.

Joe Saunders (@LA vs. Billingsley, @SD vs. Harang) Anyone remember when he was crying about being traded out of Anaheim. I asked Justin Morneau if he remembered and he was too busy trying to velcro his shoes to comment.

Zach Britton (TB vs. Niemann, Ana vs. Pineiro) Throw the Yankees start out the window, because we wouldn’t have used him anyways.  Has elite groundball pitcher stuff.  Unfortunately hits can come via the groundball, that piece of genius brought to you by the World Wide Leader.

Stephen Strasburg returned yesterday in case you’re living under a rock that doesn’t get the MLB package.  Reminds me of a line Selig uses on his wife, “Hey, baby, wanna see the MLB package?”  What can I say about Strasburg that hasn’t been said before?  That he stinks.  That hasn’t been said before.  It’s also not true; probably why it hasn’t been said before.  He can translate Pig Latin into Ancient Sumerian.  That’s never been said before.  Also, not true, but whatevs.  If Strasburg is available in your league, I’m guessing you’re in a ten team league where it’s you vs. nine alias you made up.  Hey, whatever it takes to win, right?  But if he’s available, grab him.  I imagine he’ll be fine this year if a bit more hype than is actually warranted.  I mean, in roto leagues, is he really changing your ratios that are from 1300 innings with twenty of his own innings?  No, probably not.  Oh, and he threw five shutout innings in last night’s game.  Yeah, he’s good.  Well, that’s been said before.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Psyche!  Before we jump into the roundup, just wanted to say our fantasy football site has been getting updated, but sometimes when you switch servers (as we did last week), it takes a bit for your browser to clear cache or cookies or something that I don’t fully understand.  The site should be up to date now.  If it’s not showing a post newer than last week, please tell me in the comments.  Thanks, friend.  Anyway II, the roundup:

Jason Kipnis – 1-for-3 in his return.  Before his hammy/oblique injuries, he was knocking seeds all over the field like an Amish farmer after a 12-pack of Red Bull.

Kosuke Fukudome – When he gets hot, he gets scorching and he now has homers in two consecutive games.  Roll out the red carpet!  And I’m not referring to Joan from Mad Men.

Carlos Carrasco – Will miss all of 2012 with Tommy John surgery.  A representative of the Mayans said, “You ain’t gonna miss anything.”

Shin-Soo Choo – Said he will return on September 13th.  I don’t care.  I mean, I care enough to not care, if that makes sense.  Choo’s hurt me this year!  My wounds are fresh!  I’m thinking of taking him to small claims court where this Indians middle reliever, who came in after Hagadone, will be presiding.

Fausto Carmona – 1 1/3 IP, 7 ER.  Seems odd to make a deal with the devil and tell him you don’t need his help after September 5th.

Drew Pomeranz – Will make his MLB debut on Sunday vs. the Reds.  So why do you care?  I’m not sure.  Maybe you’re related to Pomeranz.  Hey, Stew Pomeranz, thanks for reading!  Pomeranz was a first round pick in 2010 and has a 1.78 ERA in his first 20 pro starts with a big time K-rate.  But, and unless you’re an alien there’s always a but, he’s very young and will start his home games in Coors.  In deep keepers, sure, take a flyer with him for your bench.  Everyone else, I’d let the schmohawk in your league who wears a jersey of a team he doesn’t like to the draft to throw everyone off take the risk.  You know, the guy too smart for his own good.

Rickie Weeks – Could return this weekend.  Or The Weeknd, if you’re into R&B.

Rick Porcello – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 1 K.  You know what Porcello is good for?  Inconsistency and no Ks.  Sorry, sometimes the truth hurts, Rakim.

Brett Myers – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 Hits, 6 Ks.  Last time Myers had a four-hitter he ended up with a restraining order.

Jeff Niemann – 4 2/3 IP, 7 ER.  Fellow -mann’s, Jordan and Horace, are none too impressed and neither am I.  Frank Herrmann, “Don’t forget me!”  Who are you?

C.J. Wilson – 9 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Remind me to never doubt a reliever turned starter.  Seriously, make Kevin Gregg a starter and he’ll have a 2.00 ERA.

David Murphy – 4-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 9th homer.  The other day I said something like Murphy goes through stretches where he should be owned in all leagues.  And that’s me paraphrasing me!

Jon Lester – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 11 Ks.  Now has an ERA of 2.93 on the year and a 1.19 WHIP.  Seems like he’s gotten so good that he’s taken for granted and forgotten when the best pitchers in baseball are talked about.  Then again, I try not to watch ESPN, where they probably have 30 minute segments during each Sportscenter about Sawx pitchers.

Josh Beckett – Turns out he had an ankle sprain, then he didn’t have an ankle sprain and now he has one again.  One thing he definitely doesn’t have is a decisive doctor.   Beckett will miss one start and he’s downgrading Al Bumbry’s mint rookie card to a nickel in his baseball card magazine.

Dustin Pedroia – The Sawx scored 14 runs and the Sparky Anklebiter went 0-for-5.  Ticker tease!

Marco Scutaro – 4-for-5, 4 RBIs, 2 runs.  Now 7 for his last 12.  Marco…Scutaro…Just pops up in the most unlikely places (when you close your eyes in a pool).

Mike Leake – 9 IP, 2 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks.  He was one out from a one-hitter shutout when LaHair moussed him.

Bobby Parnell – Gave up 2 runs as he blew the save, but the Mets went on to win the game.  Doesn’t it seem that when a team rallies after a blown save that the team is less inclined to worry about the closer blowing the game originally?  Maybe it’s just confirmation bias.  (<–Thanks, Psych 101!)

Jorge Posada – 1-for-3 with his 13th homer as Jesus sat, which is nowhere near as hip as Jesus walks.

Brett Gardner – 1-for-3 with his 7th homer and 43rd steal for the slam & legs.  He’s obviously nowhere as valuable as Ellsbury this year, but I still have my delusions that he can be one of these years.

Jake Peavy – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks.  That looks like the Peavy of old… Oh, I know.  He was facing the Twins in the Hubert H. Homerfree Retrodome.

Alex Rios – 1-for-4 with a homer and he’s batting .455 in the last week.  If he got hot for the final three weeks it wouldn’t shock me.  Whatever he can do to pull the wool over people’s eyes for next year he’ll do it.  I can see it now.  Random Commenter in March, “Hey, Grey, what do you think of Rios?  While he was one of the worst players and human beings for five months, he was good last September.”

Jason Motte – Salas pitched in the 7th inning and Motte got the save.  The closer role has been clinched!…Then Motte gave up a run.  So I’d look at Motte first, but there’s no way of knowing which way the wind’s going to blow La Russa’s feathered locks.

Ramon Ramirez – Speaking of closers, everyone’s pointing at Sergio Romo and he pitched the 8th inning while Ram-Ram got the save.  This is an obviously fluid situation that needs plastic bed sheets.

Dee Gordon – 3-for-5 with his 16th steal.  I guess you don’t need steals.  Must be nice being like the little Monopoly man with steals hanging out of your tuxedo.  Ooh, look at me, I have Boardwalk and Park Place and steals.

Vance Worley – 6 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks.  ERA is now 2.86 on the year and his record is 11-1.  Good enough to make a Philly fan puke on someone.  In a good way.

Brad Lincoln – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Back in June when he was first called up, I made him a Buy.  You can look it up!  Since then, haven’t really talked about him.  He now has a 3.53 ERA in 35 2/3 innings with a 1.18 WHIP and he’s been much better as a starter than a long reliever as the Pirates used him for a bit.  His Ks are a bit pedestrian and he grew his beard because some letter written by an 11-year-old.  You are your own boss, Lincoln!  I could see streaming him for the reminder of the season with the right matchups.

Ryan Doumit – 1-for-4 with a homer.  On Monday, he went 3-for-4.  Ryan Without-Mitt usually can hit; he can’t usually stay healthy.  That’s his caveat for our Latin American readers.

Jose Tabata – Has a fracture in his hand.  Or as they say in Brad Hand’s household, a fractured last name.