Fantasy Baseball Advice

What’s the difference between the ‘Stros and Stroh’s beer? The beer has an H.  ‘Stros couldn’t manage one. While 110 pitches is a slight stretch for Zambrano given he had missed 2 starts to injury, that was just an exhibition game’s amount of work when Dusty was coaching him. If anyone could throw an 150 pitch no-hitter like the type we used to throw in Wiffle Ball, it was Zambrano. This was the first no-hitter for the Cubs since 1972 which was also the last year that they were within 65 years of a championship. Anyway, here’s what else we saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

David Price - In a relief appearance today against the Yankees, David Price made his major league debut. He pitched 5 and 2/3 innings, gave up 2 ER (only one really, the other scored off Hammel after he left) and he looked impressive against a top-notch offense. He’s scheduled for one start on September 23rd against the Orioles. He’s worth the spot start and he might have some value as a middle reliever for AL-Only teams the rest of the year, but David Price’s real value is in keeper leagues and for next year.

Max Scherzer - 6 IP, 1 ER with 9 Ks. Scherzer took it to the Reds like he was McCarthy.

Andy LaRoche - 3-for-4, but they were all singles. It’ll be interesting to see if the Pirates give LaRoche a chance to play next spring. It’ll be even more interesting to see if Andy LaRoche can live up to his billing as the superior LaRoche brother. Our prediction is that their performance doesn’t get the Pittsburgh faithful singing “We Are Family” anytime soon.

Aaron Cook - 8 IP, 0 ER, might have some value down the stretch if you’re streaming starters. Cook’s usually a pretty reliable, just above average pitcher.

Kevin Gregg - Pulled after pitching to one batter in the ninth. Lindstrom’s still the closer, he was just overworked. Gregg’s about as likely to take over the closer role again as the Marlins are to having a Fidel Castro Bobblehead Doll Day.

Phil Hughes - Will get the start this Wednesday against the White Sox. That doesn’t mean he needs to be on your team.

Vladimir Guerrero - Will sit out three to four games this week. I told you to drop Vlad the other day.

Andre Ethier - Missed the last two games of the Rockies series because his wife is giving birth. Will return to the team on Monday. Why isn’t Juan Pierre helping Ethier’s wife with Lamaze? Or freakin’ James Loney.

Nick Markakis - I am Sparkakis! No, I am Sparkakis!

Oscar Salazar - 2 HRs. Who? Some total schmohawk, but he also went deep on Saturday. These last two days are surely aberrations (Word of the Day), but if he puts some aberrations together to turn them into regulariocities (Made Up Word of the Day), then you might want to grab him in H2H leagues.

Radhames Liz - 8 IP, 0 ER. Not an option in any league. Unless you’re in a league where your pitchers’ first names have to sound like an expensive condom.

Nick Blackburn - 4 IP, 6 ER. His last name and strikeout totals make him sound like a Pirate. He’s not, he’s a Twin and he has excellent command, which makes him yawnstipating but effective.

Oliver Perez - 7 IP, 2 ER. So consistently inconsistent that it was only fitting that the Mets’ consistently inconsistent bullpen blew his chance at a win.

Luis Ayala - Blew a big game for the Mets. The kind of game that pundits point to as the one that got away. Obviously no one ever told pundits it’s impolite to point. The blown save and breach of etiquette caused Billy Wagner to cry again.

Cameron Maybin - Will be called up on Monday. Could be cheap steals if the Marlins play him. SAGNOF.

Matt Garza - Will start on three days rest on Wednesday. This isn’t great news. He had a nice rhythm going where he was good every other start. This move might throw off his rhythm.

Jeremy Sowers - In three innings, Sowers gave up 3 ER on 75 pitches. Or about half as many pitches Lincecum threw in a shutout on Saturday.

Justin Upton - HR yesterday that went about 450 feet to straightaway center. I’ll be getting excited about this guy in the offseason.

Shane Victorino - HR in the first game, 4-for-4 in the second game. The Flyin’ Hawaiian got his wings back.

Brett Myers - 9 IP, 1 ER and only 2 hits. Afterwards, Brett felt really bad saying he didn’t mean two-hitter.

The Rangers traded Eddie Guardado to the Twins for Mark Hamburger. If Hamburger doesn’t ring a dinner bell, that means you’re not related to him. With the trade of Eddie Guardado, Frank Francisco, whose claim to fame until yesterday was tossing a chair at a lady in the stands, will get the nod to take over as the Rangers closer. Actually, the chair toss might still be his claim to fame. After being instilled as the Rangers closer almost a month ago, Guardado only got 2 saves, so expectations for Francisco, the closer, should be kept in check. I suppose expectations for Francisco, the hot head, are endless. If you’re in a tight saves race, you take the flier on Francisco. Just because Guardado didn’t succeed doesn’t mean Francisco can’t. Remember Guardado was traded for a Hamburger. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

John Maine - Not sure if you dropped him yet, but you should. He’s done helping you this season. (Yes, you could backdate that to June.)

Luis Castillo - If you’re desperate for a MI, I still wouldn’t look at Castillo.

Mike Pelfrey - First time in 13 years a Mets pitcher has pitched back-to-back complete game victories. Of course this comes a week and a half after the Mets say they were going to limit Pelfrey’s innings. That’s what losing Maine and Wagner will do to you. Was kinda surprised Pelfrey didn’t strikeout 20 and throw a perfect game. He can do nothing wrong right now.

Victor Martinez - Should be back any day now. Am I taking a flier in any league? Nah, but he could have a respectable month.

Travis Hafner - He’s experiencing soreness in his shoulder.  If you’re holding him for when he returns, prepare to be Pronk’d!

Franklin Gutierrez - HR yesterday. The Big FraGu is hitting .338 with 4 HRs and 13 RBIs in August. Like MC Lyte said, Act Like You Know.

Kosuke Fukudome - 3-for-4 with 4 RBIs and had a HR on Sunday. Fukudome was benched a couple of games last week and he probably was dropped in your league. He’s someone to watch just in case he gets hot.

Grady Sizemore - 2 HRs as he secures his 30/30 season and, according to my Stuff On My Cat Desk Calender, we’re not in September yet.

Nelson Cruz - HR yesterday. He had just under 2,000 HRs this season in the minors. New math: Some pop + Arlington = 8 HRs in the last month.

Jimmy Rollins - As Phillies fans readied their batteries, he went 3-for-3. Hopefully Ryan Howard gets sloppy seconds on Rollins’s slumpbuster.

Brett Myers - 7 IP, 0 ER. Like Gary Glitter, Myers has been lights out since the minors.

Adam Wainwright will start on Friday replacing Joel Piñeiro. I’m putting him in immediately. I have faith in The Author of Tonyball, Dave Duncan and Adam Wainwright. Will he be lights out? Well, I hope so. He has been good in his rehab. There’s a chance he’s ineffective, but Wainwright’s worth the chance that his ailment’s been mended and he’s can handle the ball. When he left, he was a solid number two for fantasy baseball purposes. Hopefully that’s how he returns, and not a number two that leaves you feeling ill and burns when you sit down. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Al Reyes - To the Mets. That sounds familiar because I told you three days ago Reyes would close for the Mets. Of course the Mets picked him up. The Mets are so desperate, they went to see Giuliani throw to see if he could close, but he just talked their ear off about the tremendous job he did for 9/11. Reyes will get some saves within a week or two. Probably end the season with 5-7 saves.

Hanley Ramirez - Day-to-day after taking a ball off the thumb. There goes his spot-on Fonzie impersonation.

Ryan Church - Will be a backup to Tatis. Aren’t you glad you grabbed him for that DL slot? Zoinks!

R.A. Dickey - Gave up 8 ER in 2 innings. Which is sad for him and for Rudy who was sonavabenched on his Razzball team.

Mark Reynolds - Took fielding practice at 2nd. Well, that’s cool, Grey. And I took a dump in a Wendy’s parking lot yesterday. You going to tell us everything these schmohawks do? Okay, wiseass. When Upton returns, the outfield will get crowded, which could force Dunn to 1st, Tracy to 3rd and Reynolds over to 2nd. Reynolds is startable in just about all leagues if he gets 2nd base eligibility.

Wandy Rodriguez - Got a bum scoring call on a Hardy first inning “hit.” Wait, why am I being apologetic for Wandy? Honestly, I’m not sure. He was very wild and the game could’ve been much worse if he was facing the Brewers A-team. After all, Gabe Kapler was batting third. Not exactly Hannibal.

Emilio Bonifacio - 2-for-4 with a steal with a modest one game hitting streak going. (Though he has hit in six of the last seven games.) I’m jumping ship in all mixed leagues, but holding in NL-Only leagues and deep leagues I really need steals.

Brett Myers - Complete game shutout against the Nats. Yesterday I said, “The only pitchers I wouldn’t spot start against the Mariners pitch for the Mariners.” That goes double for the Nats. If that monkey from the movie Ed made a comeback (No, not Matt LeBlanc. The real monkey.), I’d spot start him against the Nats.

Jacoby Ellsbury - 3 steals in the last two games. Might be the start of him running wild.

Jair Jurrjens - I’ve jumped ship on Jurrjens in ten team mixed leagues. In 12-team leagues, I’m holding him loosely like .38 Special. His innings are way too high for him. We had a good run. Peace, see ya later. Later? (LATER!) Later, alligator.

Mike Pelfrey - See one centimeter above. He gets the Astros next. I’d hold him for that start, but get ready to bail.

Jeff Francis - Looked respectable against the Dodgers. His next start is against the Giants. I’d go there with JF.

Jerry Hairston Jr. - Returning to the DL. Not surprising. We’re headed to September, he has a nagging hamstring injury and a lot of his value was coming from his legs. Punt. If it’s hurts for you to cut Hairston loose, you have bigger fish to fry. Beans don’t burn on the grill.

Jon Rauch - Picked up the save yesterday. Three weeks ago, I would’ve told you to immediately grab Rauch, but he hasn’t looked good at all. Not even compared to Lyon. Melvin says he’ll conitnue to go to Lyon, I’d believe him. It’s not worth the agita, unless you’re desperate like that kid in The Last American Virgin.

Franklin Gutierrez - The Big FraGu went deep against Joakim Soria and the Indians rallied to win. The victory was also thanks to Kelly Shoppach’s earlier homer and Jensen Lewis shutting the door. Okay, now picture you’re an Indians fan who was in a coma for three months and you just read the last two sentences. You’d be like, “Jensen who? Franklin what? Shoppach huh? Wow, the Indians must be really kicking ass if these role players are chipping in.” Um, yeah. Listen, comatose Indians fan, you might want to sit down.

Finally, Francisco Liriano looked like the fantasy baseball player that we all wanted when we drafted him back in March. And by “we,” I mean you. How did I know you drafted Liriano? Because, when you drafted, I was in your room, sitting behind the John Cena life-sized cardboard cutout, eating your Raspberry Newtons, while I read your Choose Your Own Adventure book. You think that’s freaky? I’m still there. Only you can’t see me. Muahahahaha…ha. So Liriano put together a great first start back after dominating Triple-A, yet there’s some savvy fantasy baseball owners out there that will see this for what it is, an opportunity to sell. Buh-buh-but, Grey, Liriano could dominate? Yeah, so can Campillo, Randy Johnson, Nolasco and Myers, but none of those guys have the name/trade-value Francisco Liriano has right now. Do I think Liriano will be good? Sure. But if you need a piece other than a starter who is riskier than people are perceiving him, then go for it. Don’t forget, I’m watching. Boo! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Billy Wagner - 2 MRIs in 2 weeks is 2 many; 2 bad; K.I.T, BFF. On a scale of worthy replacements, Aaron Heilman and Duaner Sanchez fall right between Shemp and Curly Joe. The Mets called up Eddie Kunz, their Double-A closer. This, fellas, is anyone’s ballgame for at least a few weeks, if not the rest of the season.

John Maine - Maine hit the 15-day DL. This is a move that’s probably about a month overdue. He should be back in a couple of weeks.

Manny Ramirez - 4-for-5, HR, 3 RBIs. Imagine you’re a waiter for Applebee’s. You slack off for two years, deciding customers can get their own mozzarella sticks from the kitchen. Then Applebee’s starts saying you haven’t been doing your job, which is absolutely true, but you don’t want to hear it. You quit and take a job at the Olive Garden, knowing if you work for two months then you will get a huge bonus in the winter and be able to go anywhere — Chili’s, Cheesecake Factory, you name it. So do you bust your hump at the Olive Garden or do you continue to slack?

Stephen Drew - Yesterday, 3-for-5 with a HR, and over .350 in last 7 games. So far not a “step forward” season, but he’s worth the gamble the rest of the way to see if he can get hot.

Xavier Nady - 4-for-5, HR and 6 RBIs. Let’s go back to the 7th day of the season, shall we? “Honestly, never thought I’d ever mention (Nady) on the blog, but he’s starting the season on fire. Could he keep it going? What, am I Ms. Cleo? I don’t know for sure, but history tells us no. This won’t continue. Know what you can’t do? Let him sit on the waiver wire. Don’t drop Carlos Lee for him, but every year some players come out of nowhere. Maybe this is Nady’s year.” You know what’s funny? (Not funny funny, just mildly interesting funny.) People are still asking me if they should pick up Nady. No love for the X-Man.

Fernando Rodney/Kyle Farnsworth/Joel Zumaya - Triumvirate, noun 1. a group of three closers that are making Todd Jones feel missed. 2. Sounds like it’s a Latin combination of triumphant and irate, but it’s not.

Mike Aviles - 4-for-4, HR. Check out his ESPN player photo. Talk about respect. For those who are interested in what he looks like, here’s Mike Aviles.

Mariano Rivera - Back spasms. Supposedly he’ll be okay. Jose Veras would’ve been who they turned to. Okay, save vultures, pick apart Veras’s bones.

Jose Guillen - Homered for the 2nd straight day and 3rd this week. Worth a pickup, just drop him when he realizes he’s stuck with the Royals until the end of the season.

Alfonso Soriano - The other day someone asked me for some names that could hit 15 HRs between now and end of season. In two months, this is a very difficult assignment (to hit 15 HRs, it’s not difficult to pick guys), the list looked like this (the order is their likelihood of getting to 15 HRs): Dunn, Soriano, Holliday, Burrell, Braun, Carlos Lee, Hamilton, Cust, Krispie and Vlad.

Andy LaRoche - HR yesterday. In leagues where you need to take some risks, I’d look at LaRoche. Then try and find anyone else, then look at LaRoche again, then take a steam, get a massage (you look stressed), get a bite to eat, play nine holes, then look over your 3rd base choices again and, if your choices are still limited, grab LaRoche.

Rafael Soriano - He’s done for the year. Back date this to April.

Chone Figgins - Another 4 hit game. Oh Figgy give him one more chance.

Joel Hanrahan - Picked up his first save since Rauch was traded. As I said when the trade went down, Rauch only had 17 saves in over half of a year, Hanrahan’s not netting 20 in two months. And that’s me paraphrasing me!

Jorge Campillo - 7 IP, 6 Ks, 0 ER. He replaced Harang on most of my deeper teams. Now I don’t care if I ever see Harang again. Okay, that’s mean. I wanna see Harang again, just not on any of my teams.

Shane Victorino - 10th HR as he threatens to run away with the HR crown in the Victorino vs. Rios battle.

Ryan Ludwick - I’m convinced LaRussa could make Austin Kearns an All-Star (while batting him ninth and the pitcher fourth).

Brett Myers - Only one walk in his last two starts. Definitely worth taking a look in deeper leagues. Maybe he’s taking a similar route to Wainwright last year when it took him half a year to shake being a closer the previous year. Or maybe Myers’s trip to the minors smacked some sense into him. Though it’s usually Myers smacking the minors.

Some rejected titles, Will Bill Still Thrill on the Hill?, Illy Billy, Wagner’s Closed, You Can’t Spell Duaner Sanchez Without Nude Ranch and my personal favorite, Billy Wagner, Act Your Age. Billy Wagner, the Mets closer and guy with the first name Billy, reports tightness in his shoulder. He was scheduled to have an MRI, but Billy’s scared of whatever MRI stands for. (Imaging something, but I’m doing this late on a Monday night, so you’re gonna have to bear with me. Or bare with me on a Nude Ranch. Rawrr!) Duaner Sanchez will probably fill-in for Wagner if he misses time. Heilman would be second in command. After that, coin flip! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jorge Posada - To the DL. Might be out for the year. Keep a close eye on this. (Oops, I meant to write, “Keep a closed eye on this.”)

Clayton Kershaw - He’s back and going against the Rockies on Tuesday. If you’re thinking about grabbing him, here’s the yay or nay list. I’d prefer Campillo, Weeks, Kobayashi, Kuroda, Wolf (at home) and Hermida over Kershaw. I want Kershaw over Olsen, Eveland, Edwin Jackson, any A’s or Mariners hitter except Ichiro, Jo-Jo Reyes and Jobacum. Finally, I possibly want Kershaw over Guthrie depending on how Guthrie looks in his next start. He was not good in last year’s 2nd half and his leash is short, as they say in the zoology.

Luis Ayala - I’ve pretty much ignored the Fuentes trade rumors because I don’t think the Rockies are out of the division race and I don’t think they’re moving Fuentes. On the other hand, Rauch should be traded. I’ve picked up Ayala in a few leagues as I await the news.

Jose Valverde - 6 ER in 1/3 of an inning. Brandon Lyon, “Man, he sucks!”

Brett Myers - Soda Popinski is back. I’d take Kershaw over him.

Rickie Weeks - HR yesterday. He looks like a 25-year-old Ray Durham.

Randy Wolf - I kinda wanted to make this the lead for today’s post, but I couldn’t justify it. So the Astros are in discussions to acquire Randy Wolf, the pride of Canoga Park, CA. Seriously, you can’t make this shizz up. Randy Wolf, of a 6.63 road ERA is who the Astros want to acquire. Randy Wolf, of an almost 5.00 ERA in Minute Maid Park over the last three years. Randy Wolf, the guy who fantasy baseball owners know to sit in road games is who the Astros are going after. The Astros, who are 12 games back. Why are the Astros even going after someone? Why Randy Wolf?! I have to move on before this gives me a logic tumor.

Scott Kazmir - 7 IP, 0 ER, 9 Ks. I hope he keeps it up; I just don’t think he will.

Rich Harden - 7 IP, 1 H, 1 ER, 10 Ks. Kazmir vs. Harden in The Series…. of Injuries.

Kip Wells - In our Razzball league, where I’m currently in last 1st (I think. There’s an at-bat minimum that Yahoo doesn’t factor in, so the standings aren’t always accurate.), I forgot to move Kip Wells into my lineup.  Sonavabench! He only pitched a third of an inning and he gave up 7 ER. 189.00 ERA, 24.00 WHIP. This is the equivalent of having a 24 inning perfect game on your bench. Or a Marcus Thames 17 home run game on your bench. I so wanna bang my head into a moving car.

Miguel Cabrera - 5-for-6. Now at .290, he will end the season at .320. You do the math!

Matt Joyce - When I saw the Tigers scored 19, I knew the man with the smarty-pants sounding name had to get at least 3 RBIs. He got 5 and went 4-for-6. Matt Joyce was just named the Player of the Week and is on the business end side of the platoon when Mags pushes him.

Jon Lester - Held the Mariners scoreless through 7 1/3 innings as Lester drove them McNulty.

Troy Tulowitzki - 4-for-4. Now he just needs to go 146 for his next 146 and he’ll salvage his season.

Robinson Cano - Why don’t the Yankees send him to Winter Ball so he thinks April is the middle of the season?