Fantasy Baseball Advice

It was a big day for one of my favorite mancrushes, Brandon Allen, as he was called up.  In Triple-A this year, 18 homers, 7 steals and a .426 OBP.  He’s cut from the same cloth as all the donkeys that have come before him.  Hopefully, he’s less 2010 Big Donkey, because Adam Dunn looks like he’s still got David Eckstein in a bjorn and letting the little man swing for him.  In the majors from Allen, first, expect nothing.  That’s always a good way to start.  At least that’s what I tell the ladies.  If the Diamondbacks give Allen ABs, which I do think they will, he will get 10 to 13 homers and a few steals.  That’s the baseline.  When you hear the baseline, you nod your head.  Or maybe that’s the bassline.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Wily Mo Pena – Designated for assignment.  That assignment is to stop sucking.

Brett Anderson – Headed for Tommy John surgery.  Jonah Hill clearly said don’t trade for him.

Ike Davis – Ike’s taking so many hits while on the DL, somewhere Tina Turner’s smiling.  Now Davis could need ankle surgery in three weeks.  By the time the Mets figure out Davis’s injury, it’s going to start to hurt him for next year.  Hey, Mets, go to a different health care provider and get off the HMO!

Carlos Beltran – Love how the rumors of him being traded heat up the same day the Mets management says the trade of K-Rod doesn’t mean they’re throwing in the towel.  Kinda like how Rocky didn’t throw in the towel until Apollo was dead.

Bobby Parnell – Still my favorite for saves, but now the Mets are saying it could be Izzy or even Pedro Beato.  I think the Mets are just trying to enhance Izzy’s trade value by saying he’s the closer.  He might get a save or two until he gets on the casino bus.

Carlos Gonzalez – Supposed to be back for Friday’s game.  To give you some insight into the inner sanctum of the ‘stache, I almost made Carlos Gonzalez a sell in this afternoon’s post.  I’m pretty worried about the wrist.  If it hurts his power, you’re looking at a top outfielder in name only.

Julio Borbon  – Could miss two months if he needs surgery on his ankle.  If this news is disheartening for your fantasy team, you have bigger fish to fry.  And for those that drank too much Wild Turkey last night and found us after they Googled “Borbon fantasy,” the hallucinations will stop soon.

Bartolo Colon – 2/3 IP, 3 ER.  Colon blow!

Andruw Jones – Hit two homers last night to pad his once Hall of Fame stats.  They should start a Baseball’s Almost Hall of Fame in Cupertino.  Andruw, Delgado and McGriff can be the inaugural class.

Justin Morneau – Was cleared to resume non-baseball activities.  So he can now do pretty much the same things he’s been doing since April.

Matt Garza – 7 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Two and a half more months of starts like this and we’ll be copacetic.

Carlos Marmol – 0 IP, 5 ER.  YOU STUPID MOTHER–  We interrupt this program to remind all our readers the importance of family.  Call someone you love and tell them they’re special.  OR CALL MARMOL AND TELL HIM HE’S PIECE OF SH– Or just go outside and smell the flowers.  ONLY IF IT’LL TAKE THE STINK AWAY FROM THIS MARMOL OUTING!

Mike Napoli – Slam and legs.  What are the chances?  Same as my chances with his Mom.

Asdrubal Cabrera – 2-for-5 with his 15th home run.  If I had access to the government’s time machine (and they have one!), then I’d go back in time to March and draft Asdrubal in the first round of every league just so I can see my leaguemates’ faces (assuming I did a draft in person).

Carlos Santana – 2-for-5 with his 14th home run.  I only mention this because I want a dozen catcher questions in the comments.  I crave your attention.  Shower me with it!

Justin Masterson – 6 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks.  He has a 2.80 ERA, yet I don’t think I’ve felt good about starting him all year.  Cust kayin’.

Yovani Gallardo – 4 IP, 6 ER.  His Outkast song would be, So Inconsistent, So Frustrating.

Trevor Plouffe – Here was an IM exchange between Rudy and I:  R:  You should mention Trevor Plouffe as a Buy.  G: Did you make up that name?  R: No.  G:  Are you lying?  R: No.  G:  Are you sure?  R: Yes.  G: His name sounds like the sound crap makes when it hits the toilet water.  R:  He’s a shortstop with power.  For deep leagues.  G: How about I mention him in the roundup?  R: That works.  G: Should I make up a team name for this make believe player?  R: I hate you.  Rudy likes Plouffe a lot in AL-Only leagues.  Solid power at a weak position, though he could struggle for average.  Yesterday, he hit his 4th homer.  Mark Whiten, “In one game?!”  No, Mark, on the year.

Francisco Liriano – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks.  He’s my Bart, and I am his Sideshow Bob.

Delmon Young – 3-for-4, if only he could come off the DL every night, instead of every 15 days.  Member three days ago when I put him in my top 100 for the 2nd half and you did a double take?  Luckily, you didn’t do a spit take, that could mess up your keyboard.

Derek Holland – I will simply say I could pitch against the Mariners in Safeco and I throw like a girl (no offense to our 3 girl readers; if you have any friends, your man Grey is single again.  Hello!).

Jose Bautista – Twisted ankle has JB day-to-day.  Since I don’t own him anywhere, why couldn’t he be more seriously injured?  Excuse me, I need to be unbiased.  Please let him be okay (after the season).

Travis Snider – 3-for-5, with his 6th steal.  Don’t drink whatever it is Aaron Hill’s drinking with all that stealing and no power nonsense.  Please.

Eric Thames – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and…Okay, everyone on the Blue Jays went 3-for-5 with 3 RBIs so there’s that.  I like Thames for power, which is also called hydroelectricity.  Al Gore invented that.  After the internet.

Jon Rauch – What’s six-eight with tattoos on its neck?  A giraffe at the Bronx Zoo.  Oh, and the new Blue Jays closer.  For right now at least.

Derek Jeter left yesterday’s game with a Grade 1 strain of his calf as reported by ESPN, ESPN 2, ESPN News, ESPN U., ESPN Deportes and on the ticker at the bottom of the screen while they aired Mr. 3000 on ABC.  Yes, I’m just as bad for even talking about it.  Hey, pot, what’s up?  Kettle, here.  You black?  Whatever, it was a slow day yesterday in fantasy baseball — shoot, Justin Ruggiano was almost the lead.  Member a few years ago when people were talking about how Jeter could get to 4,000 hits?  I’d be surprised now to see him get to 3,400.  Dorian Gray paint is starting to fade.  You read me?  Yeah, you do.  My guess is Jeter will avoid the DL and make us endure more 3,000 hit talk after he rests his veal for a few days.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Russell Martin – Scratched with back stiffness.  See, I’m usually scratched with back itchiness.

Carlos Carrasco – 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks.  If you started him in The House They Built Next To The House That Ruth Built, you deserved this win.  Crazy thing is, Carrasco’s pitching better than his ERA is showing, but, outside of this game, the Ks have been pretty pedestrian.  You ride the lightning in AL-Only leagues; I’d avoid still in mixed leagues.

Justin Ruggiano – 2-for-3 and hitting near .500 in the last week.  Sam Fuld handed off his magic beans to a new past-prime prospect.  So is this on par, ma, for Ruggiano?  Will he melt under the hot lights?  Or will he be solid enough to great?  In Triple-A, Ruggiano had back-to-back years of 15 homers and 23+ steals.  The problem with anyone who’s seeing their first look in the bigs in three years when they’re 29 years old is why.  While why is a question that self help gurus teach to help you keep a conservation going, I don’t particularly want to talk about Ruggiano all that much more.  He’s currently hitting enough to pick up in all leagues, but I don’t think he’s going to keep it going.

Alex Cobb – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks.  This was a better-than-decent start, but right now it looks like Cobb’s headed to the minors after one more start.  Gary Glitter, “That don’t sound bad at all!”

Brandon Lyon – 1 IP, 3 ER.  Now has 8 earned runs since he returned.  Hey, he looks like his old self!  If someone prematurely dropped Melancon from their team, I’d go ahead and make the grab.

Wandy Rodriguez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  The Wandwagon returned from the DL and got immediately back on the right track.

Brett Anderson – Set to rehab for six weeks but will be reevaluated in three weeks. So that puts his next setback around two weeks away.

Ricky Nolasco – 3 IP, 5 ER, 12 baserunners, 3 Ks and he was pitchslapped by Zach Duke (who took a couple of right crosses too).  I said I wouldn’t touch Nolasco in any league this preseason and I didn’t.  He now sits at a 4.23 ERA and he always seems to push that over 5.  Amazing how much good will he got from one solid year out of five.

Justin Morneau – Time for a daily check-in on this sad robot.  “Tears make me rust!”  That’s Morneau.  He just had an MRI on his wrist.  The Vottomatic comes with titanium wrist joints.  Why’s Morneau having his wrist checked?  He needs to have his head checked.  He probably needs a new operating system.  On Morneau’s player card it says POS:  1B.  The POS is right.

Vicente Padilla – Will miss an extended period of time with neck surgery.  It doesn’t look like he has a neck in this picture of Padilla.

Paul Maholm – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Now has a 3.12 ERA, 1.14 WHIP and not the greatest Ks.  You say to me, “Hey, Grey sweet ‘stache, it’s like you have three eyebrows.  Pregunta:  Should I pick up Maholm?”  His ERA will end close to 4 and he has no Ks.  I own him in one H2H league but wouldn’t touch him in most roto leagues.  In H2H, the inevitable terrible start, which is coming, is erased in a week, but in roto you gotta live with your decisions a lot longer.  Wow, I sound like a guidance counselor.

Hunter Pence – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 9th home run.  Now has a 23-game hitting streak.  Or 23 more games than Morneau.

Randy Wolf – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Wolf’s coming in this afternoon’s post about pitchers who are getting lucky, but he was also in the same post last month, so what the FIP do I know?

Jordan Schafer – 2-for-5 with his first home run.  In the past week, he has 6 steals.  He’s an intriguing name in deep leagues.  Just don’t jump out the window until you see how real the fire is.

Vernon Wells – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and 2 homers.  As frequent commenter, Terrance Mann, said, “Projections on any significant HRs the rest of the year from HGH Wells are pure science fiction.”

Anthony Bass – 5 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners (4 BBs), 1 K.  Outside of NL-Only leagues, I wouldn’t touch him yet.  Like Juba’s pizza dough on The Next Food Network Star, he’s too raw.

Charlie Blackmon – 2-for-4 and now has 3 steals in the last three games.  Maybe when he’s in the tunnel to the stadium, Eric Youg Jr. hands him a Pepsi.

Manny Ramirez – The Dodgers owe him $8.3 million in deferred payments.  In related news, the Dodger Dog prices were raised to $17,000 per hot dog.

After being hit on the kneecap by a Jon Lester pitch, Mark Teixeira needed to be helped off the field by “Quiz Kid” Donnie Smith– I mean, Joe Girardi.  Te(i)x must have been in serious pain to let a grown man with braces help him off the field.  That’s I before E except in Teixeira seizes codeine.  Luckily, Te(i)x’s x-rays came back negative and it sounds like he’ll only be out a few days with a bruised knee.  You feel me?  Yeah, you do.  Now stop touching me.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Chris Jakubauskas – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks.  He’s not a worth a pickup outside a 20 team league that only uses Orioles.  BTW, you think he ever misspells his own last name?

Nick Markakis – 0-for-4, hitting .236 on the year with 4 home runs.  Not sure what happened to this young brother, but I wouldn’t even start him in an AL-Only league at this point.

Rubby de la Rosa – 5 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Nine baserunners in 5 innings isn’t great; 5 walks vs. 4 Ks is terrible.  He has a decent K-rate, but walks have been an issue before.  I’d grab him in deeper leagues, but leave him on your bench for his next start.  BTW, ESPN had a 17-word article that would make an eHow article look Pulitzer-worthy about how Rubby and Dee Gordon were in a game together and Ruby Dee was once in A Raisin in the Sun.  “Hey, I got this great piece about Rubby, Dee Gordon and Ruby Dee!”  “Great, give it to me in 20 words or less and in three minutes!”

Jonathan Broxton – If all goes according to plan, Broxton should be back within the next two weeks.  So if he was dropped, I’d stash him for the future ulcer he will give you when he becomes the closer again.

Dee Gordon – 3-for-5 with a steal as he hit leadoff.  I was telling people yesterday to go with Eric Young Jr. over Gordon, but I think I wanna retract that.  Can I get a do over?

Matt Kemp – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 17th home run.  Speaking of do overs, can I go back and draft Kemp on every team?  It’s no shock that the team where we are sitting comfortably in first has Kemp on it.

Javy Guerra – Think it’s a conincidence that the Dodgers haven’t had a save chance in two weeks?  I don’t.  For now, Guerra does seem like the guy they are holding back in case of a save opp.

Mike Carp – The Mariners called up the power-hitting 1st baseman.  Since May 1st, he has 16 home runs.  Of course, that’s in the PCL, which is like hitting with an aluminum bat on the moon but still.  Carp should see some ABs because the Mariners have no business playing Jack Cust.  Cust kayin’.

Allen Craig – Left yesterday’s game after crashing into the wall.  He might miss a few days with a bruised knee, which isn’t half as delicious as a braised knee.

Lance Berkman – 1-for-3 with a home run a day after he had a steroid injected into his wrist.  I guess as long as it’s not in your ass it’s okay.  (You don’t have to go all Professor Frink in the comments, I know it’s a different type of steroid.  I’m just bitter that Berkman’s not slowing down.)

Jon Rauch – 1 IP, 0 ER and the save.  Francisco did Mr. Bungle yesterday’s game so there’s a chance Rauch could see more looks.  SAGNOF!

Francisco Liriano – 5 IP, o ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Best he’s looked all year.  Yeah, better than the no-hitter.  If he’s out on waivers, I’d take a flyer on him to see if he just needed some warm weather and to get healthy.

Brett Anderson – As reported here after inferring shizz from other sites, Anderson was DL’d and is now going to see Dr. Freeze.  You broke-ace trick!

Felix Hernandez – 6 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks.  F-Her?  More like F-U for drafting a top SP in the first few rounds.

Phil Humber – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks.  His K-rate looks like Livan Hernadez’s when throwing BP.  His BABIP is the second lowest (read: luckiest) in the league.  His name sounds like it should be one word and a verb — She philhumbered whenever the teacher asked her for the answer.  If you want to own him, be my guest.  I wouldn’t touch him.  (And since I feel you about to ask, this applies for Rick Porcello too.)

Carlos Quentin – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 15th home run.  I haven’t mentioned him much, probably because I don’t own him anywhere.  I like Quentin and think he’s capable of 35 homers if he stays healthy.  The problem is that ‘if’ is the size of Frenchie Davis.

Jordan Zimmermann – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks.  In the preseason, I told you to draft Zimmermann on every team.  Over two months into the season, his ERA is 3.39 and his WHIP is 1.12.  Yup.

Tommy Hanson – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Hommy Tanson is so money that money asked him for a loan.  Believe it!  Or don’t.  Your choice.

Brad Hand – 6 IP, 1 ER, 1 Hit, 1 Walk, 6 Ks.  Wow, a full house with the river card!  Can only hope at Pro Player/Joe Robbie/The Company Formerly Known As Blockbuster/Sun Life Stadium they played, “Let’s hear it for my Hand, let’s hear it for my baby.”  Hand had a so-so K and walk rate in Double-A this year and will probably get bounced from the rotation.  I’d only look at him in deep NL-Only leagues.

Daniel Hudson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks.  I’m sorry to insult Murray Chass, but wins are a really stupid category.  That is all.

Juan Miranda – 4-for-4 with his 6th home run.  He was hot about two weeks ago then ice cold.  And I say what’s cooler than bein’ cool?  Ice cold!  Miranda may be heating up again.  Hey ya!

Carlos Carrasco – 8 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks.  After the game, all the AL pitchers in the league were lined up to pitch to the Twins like that scene in Airplane when they’re lined up to slap that lady who is hysterical.

Tim Stauffer – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks.  It’s so cute when a Hodgepadre does what he’s supposed to do, I just want to pinch his cheeks.

Edinson Volquez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Sonavabench!

Miguel Cairo – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 2nd home run.  Mubarak categorically denied any responsibility for Cairo’s offensive outburst.

I read yesterday Brett Anderson might be headed for TJ surgery, which I believe is surgery done while a stray dog limps through the operating room… Wait, Googling TJ surgery.  Oh, it’s Tommy John surgery, not Tijuana surgery.  Silly me.  “No, I don’t want any chiclets, I’m having a tumor removed!”  That’s someone in Tijuana having surgery.  Something’s wrong with Anderson, Tommy John surgery or not.  He’s making a nice run to be included in the definition for Bennis Carpensheeter.  I just have to add an ‘r’ and it’s Brennis; you follow, Anderson.  I’m sure that’s his main concern.  “You know, my career was going fine until I was included in the Razzball glossary.”  That’s Brett Anderson talking to Bryant Gumbel’s head in a jar of formaldehyde on Real Sports in 40 years.  I wouldn’t drop Anderson yet, but I get the sense it’s not too far away.  Doesn’t anyone stay in one place anymore?  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jemile Weeks – A’s are calling up their 2nd base prospect.  Jemile, schlimazel… Hasenpfeffer Incorporated! Weeks has a brother in the major leagues.  $5 says you can name him.  Hint:  His first name sounds a lot like Sickie.  They’re similar players.  20/20 potential over a full season but should wear one of those old Asian lady masks while on a plane so they don’t catch anything.  I’m slightly less excited about Weeks because he’s yet to show big power or health in the minor leagues.  In AL-Only leagues, of course you take the flyer.

Scott Sizemore – Was recalled.  For right now, I’d take a wait and see approach in mixed leagues, but at MI that could change quickly.  BTW, MI Is A Name I Call My Middle Infielder was almost a Razzball t-shirt.  Alas, for now, you have the Sparky Anklebiter and It’s Tough Being Part Of A Platoon.  More to come.  Or not.  Depends on how these sell, I’m told by the little man with a top hat, cane and tuxedo.

Adam Rosales – Kirsten Drunkst’s co-star of Crazy/Beautiful hit his first home run.  He’ll probably co-own the A’s 3rd base timeshare with Sizemore.  Should help him save thousands on resort developer fees.

Dee Gordon – Was called up yesterday by the Dodgers.  Gordon’s fast.  And skinny.  He’s 150 pounds.  That’s how much my mustache weighs soaking wet.  He’s like Juan Pierre at shortstop.  Holy effin’ effholes, that’s a beautiful thing.  Imagine 60 steals at shortstop.  That’s like an 80′s sitcom dream where the wavy lines come in and Edna Garrett is making you a pot roast in a nightie.  That’s like Alcides Escobar and Everth Cabrera wrapped up in a burrito of “These are terrible examples, but I’m trying to make a point by lowering expectations.”  Gordon has decent enough on base skills to make the speed work, but he’s raw and only 23 years old.  Nobody likes you when you’re 23!  I’d take a flyer in every league where you need speed, just remember he could steal 35 bases from now until October or he could struggle and be replaced by Furcal in a few weeks.  It’s rookie nookie and it could give you a nice adrenaline rush or make you itchy.

Ted Lilly – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. the Phillies wasn’t a start I wanted to gamble on.  Sonavabench!

Marcus Thames – 0-for-4.  Back in the lineup and batting third… The .247 career hitting Marcus Thames.  Three ladies and gentlemen, your 2011 Los Angeles Dodgers!

Hanley Ramirez – Finally lands on the DL for the first time in his career.  Check it off the bucket list.

Javier Vazquez – 4 IP, 6 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks.  After benching or dropping him before his previous solid starts, I figured the only way to get him to throw a terrible game was to stick him in my lineup.  Worked like a charm.  Slanted mouth emoticon.

Jake Peavy – To the DL with a strained right groin.  “Hold on, honey, I’m just straining the fusilli… Wait, is this Jake Peavy’s right groin?”  Talk about an awkward moment.

Alex Rios – He’s out for a mental break, which in the medical community is called “being out to lunch,” but I’m not a doctor, though I did fall asleep watching a Scrubs rerun last night.  For those with questions on Rios, the girl who’s dating me for my fantasy baseball ‘pertise/mustache, dropped him yesterday.  If she can do it, I bet you guys can too.

John Danks – 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks and he tied Wilson Valdez with one win.

Matt Garza – 4 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Welcome back!…And bleh.  It’s usually wise to sit a guy coming off the DL until he shows he’s healthy unless he has a good matchup.  Against the Reds wasn’t a good matchup and his next start isn’t much better.

Dexter Fowler – I’ve said this a few times on this web log, but how do teams get away with DL’ing whomever they want?  A few days ago the Rockies were talking about demoting Fowler, now he’s suddenly DL’d.  Don’t have to wear a monocle to find that suspicious.

Charles Blackmon – He’s effectively replacing Fowler.  His AAA stats look great .346/10 HRs/12 SBs but he plays in Colorado Springs which is like Coors sans humidor.  (BTW, doesn’t this guy have a perfect Caribbean name?  U. of Colorado isn’t too far away – could we call him the Buffalo Soldier?)  He hasn’t shown great power or speed in the minors so he may turn out to be somewhere between Spilborghs and Seth Smith.  Wouldn’t be surprised to see him platoon with Spilborghs since he’s a lefty.  Worth a shot in daily leagues, but wouldn’t take a silver bullet for him.

Chris Nelson – 2-for-4 and he’s now started four days in a row.  The Rockies really suffer from too much upside.  All of their guys are intriguing if they’d just play every day.

Brian Matusz – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks and the win.  This start was against an A’s lineup that is ranked 25th or lower in all major hitting categories.  They only have 33 home runs as a team.  That would be bad in the dead ball era.  The Ghost of “Home Run” Baker, “Shut your non-wooden teeth mouth, you rapscallion!”

Anthony Rizzo – Padres are expected to call him up any day now, Annie Potts.  You wait with bated breath.  Or baited if you’re into misspellings.

Frank Francisco – 2/3 IP, 1 ER.  He took the loss and blamed his inability to get major league hitters out.  Wait, no, that was me that blamed that.

Felipe Paulino – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  He could throw a gem next time out or he could give up 7 earned in 3 innings.  The mouth on the left side of the screen says “Risk” and the mouth on the right side says “Upside.”

Joakim Soria – Was renamed the closer as the manager said, “Who are we kidding?  We got Alex Gordon leading off, a guy with C cups as our DH… Nothing on our team makes sense except our closer.  Soria’s back in!”

Asdrubal Cabrera – 3-for-4, 2 RBI, 2 runs and his 12th home run.  He prefers if you call him The Drubal.  If you see him in public, lower your eyes.  You don’t meet eyes with The Drubal.

Josh Tomlin – 6 IP, 6 ER.  This was a solid start.  Correction.  No, it wasn’t.

Brennan Boesch – 5-for-6, 5 RBIs and 2 home runs.  Now has 3 home runs in the last three games.  Well, he looked good in April for a second, then he looked terrible in May.  So it seems like you have another 23 days to own him.

Nelson Cruz – I’d mentioned he hit two home runs yesterday but I’m afraid I’m going to jinx him and he’s going to get hurt.  Moving along…

Matt Tolbert – 7 for his last 15, and that’s The Tolbert Report.

Jimmy Rollins – Battling a sore knee.  Going for an MRI.  They should just put an MRI machine behind 2nd base in Philadelphia and Utley/Rollins will decide before each hitter who’ll get x-rayed.  “Reyes is stealing.   Throw to 2nd.  Utley applies the tag….Reyes is out!  And so is Utley for 15 days!”

Brad Lidge – Because of elbow soreness, he’s flying to Philly for exams.  Seems like if someone has elbow soreness the last thing they should be doing is flapping their arms.

Justin Morneau hit two homers yesterday.   Yay!  He’s not only back but he just called from the year twenty-fourteen and said he’s going to hit 30 more homers this year.  Because he’s a big, fat liar.  He lies with his home runs and his fictitious calls from the future.  There’s a stat I just made up called POOP (Players Out Of Power), where you take the fly balls a player hits and the injuries to their noggin, neck and back and you divide it by pi and Morneau gets a -7 on the POOP scale.  He can’t even do well with a made-up stat I created to make him look bad.  Well, I guess that makes sense.  And now you’re making me look stupid?!  I hate you, Morneau.  Take your dopey, fragile (hey, it’s Italian!) body and go back to Canada.  They’ll treat you for free there!  These two home runs yesterday are your last chance to sell Morneau.  Aim someone’s eyes away from the pathetic Twins offense, the Hubert H. Homerfree Retrodome pitching park, the Mauer-less lineup, the .299 OBP this year, the 8 homer pace and the pinched nerve in his neck that will probably shut him down in August when the Twins are eliminated and sell him!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Ike Davis – Garfield from Parking Wars is placing a boot back on Ike’s foot because it’s not healing properly.  I think the Mets doctors went to the same med school as Steve Guttenberg in Bad Medicine.

Daniel Murphy – Just when you thought the middle infidel schmohawks would go away, here comes another one.  Murphy’s hitting near .500 over the last week and 8 for his last 14.  No power, no speed, but he’s a hot schmotato.

Jordan Lyles – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks.  He was showing a backdoor curve that would give any man in The Castro a run for his money.  I honestly expected to watch Lyles and Cobb yesterday and like Cobb more, but Lyles was much more dominant.  I started him in a few mixed leagues, and will continue to do so.

Carlos Marmol – 1/3 IP, 6 ER, and it felt like he urinated on my Reggie Jackson baseball card collection.

Tyler Colvin – Was recalled with Soriano headed to the DL.  I’m not sure of Colvin’s playing time, but Matthew Berry thinks Colvin can hit 40 homers.  Go big or go home!

Peter Bourjos – 1-for-4 with his 6th steal.  Bourjos should have at least 15 steals by now.  Who’s the baserunning coach in Anaheim?  Dexter Fowler?

Brett Lawrie – He left yesterday’s game after being hit by a pitch on the hand.  Then he hashtagged a tweet later saying it was just a bruise and he’ll be fine.  Then he hashtagged he was going to see Hangover II, then he hashtagged what Logan Morrison was eating for dinner, then Logan Morrison hashtagged the word ‘dude.’  A rumor has Lawrie coming up this Friday.  Another rumor has him coming out of seedy motel with Rebecca Gayheart.

Chone Figgins – Will get a few days off to clear his head.  To clear me head, I like to put on bicycle shorts and go for a spin in my Camaro with the license plate, STACHE.

Evan Longoria – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and a homer as the lead-off hitter hit cleanup.  Guess it’ll give him more time in the on-deck circle to work on his slap bunts.

Alex Cobb – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Here’s it broken down to you so simple that Larry, the Cable Guy could understand it.  He’s in a tough division and he’s a rookie.  In mixed, redraft leagues, I’d continue to let him sit on waivers.

Matt Joyce – 1-for-2 and his 9th home run as he leads the major leagues in batting average.  Yeah, not even his parents would’ve put money on that.  And he’s a real momma’s boy.

Anibal Sanchez – 8 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks.  I will continue to point out how I dropped him after his 2nd start of the year so at least someone can get some schadenfreude out of this.

Kelly Johnson – Another day, another home run.  BTW, doesn’t he have a name that sounds like your buddy’s sister?  “Dude, don’t invite Kelly Johnson to the party.  It’s always awkward when she’s flirting with me in front of her brother.”

Brett Anderson – 5 1/3 IP, 9 ER.  Oh.  Wait, what?  Ouch.

Curtis Granderson – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs, his 17th homer and 8th steal.  Three ladies and gentlemen, Curtis Granderson is your fantasy MVP for the first two months.  Ain’t that a shin in the kicks?

Matt Wieters – 1-for-4 with his 5th home run.  Good to see he’s still playing baseball.  I had no idea.

Brandon Morrow – 5 IP, 6 ER, 11 baserunners, 9 Ks.  I have a real problem when I don’t even see the six earned runs and all I see is the nine Ks.  I need help!

Chris Sale – Got the save yesterday because he was warming up when the Red Sox made it a save situation.  Santos is still the closer, assuming Ozzie wakes up on the same side of the bed he has been for the last month.

Danny Espinosa – 3-for-4, 4 RBI and 2 homers.  I’m glad so many people dropped him.  More Danny Espinosa for me!

Max Scherzer – 6 2/3 IP, 7 ER.  Last year, a 9.45 ERA in May.  This year, more bupkis.  Like his eyes, his season comes in two shades, May and not-May.

Andres Torres – 1-for-5 with his 6th steal.  Yesterday, a homer.  Tomorrow, probably an injury.  But I’d own him while he was hitting and running.

Ryan Vogelsong – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks.  I feel like everyone on the Giants, outside of Lincecum, I always say the same thing about — they’re not that good.   Vogelsong, really isn’t.  I swear.  Now watch as he continues to baffle hitters.

Brandon Belt – Was hit by a pitch on the wrist but the x-rays came back negative.  Bochy said Belt would miss a few days.  Days Bochy wasn’t going to play him anyway.

David Freese – Says he’s way ahead of schedule for his next setback.

Cameron Maybin – To the 15-day DL with patellar tendinitis, who was this lovely Indian chap who sat next to me in Bio 101.

Cliff Lee – 5 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. the Nats.  The Adverb was far from suffixient.