Fantasy Baseball Advice

Will Middlebrooks was called up to step between his brother, Donnybrook, Bobby Valentine and Youuuuuuuuuk.  Youuuuuuuuuk said, “Ow, my back hurts, I need the DL,” Valentine said, “Just wrap yourself in lavash, that makes everything better.”  Donnybrook erupted in a public place because of needling from Sawx fans and Will Middlebrooks hits a lot of homers in the minors.  Hello, Will, you be staying for dinner?  I’ve prepared a nice spot at the corner spot.  Please disregard the Rays embossed flatware that I have there; it was for someone else.  This year in 23 games in Triple-A, Middlebrooks hit 9 homers and stole three bases.  Last year, he hit 18 in Double-A in 96 games and 7 in 17 games in the low minors.  Yesterday, he went 2-for-3 and stole a base.  He strikes out way too much currently with little to no walks for him to come close to putting up a good average over the long haul.  But long hauls are why you pay movers on Craigslist.  You’re looking at short term if you lost Longoria and, for that, I say grab him in AL-Only and deep mixed leagues.  If you’re in a league where you can grab Alvarez or Chris Davis, then I’d go with them right now.  And, no, I never thought I’d be saying that a month ago.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Josh Beckett – Beckett will only miss one start due to his lat soreness.  Lat’s all, folks.

Mark Prior – Signed by the Red Sox.  Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent desperation.

Mat Gamel – Just when he was finally proving that with playing time he couldn’t hit, he torn his ACL and will miss the season.  Mark down 2013 as the season Gamel can truly disappoint.  With Travis Ishikawa, the Brewers planned for the worst with their 1st base backup, and by that I don’t mean they planned ahead, I mean they literally planned to have the worst backup.

Corey Hart – Due to their aforementioned planning, the Brewers hit grounders at Corey Hart, acclimating him to first.  He said, “I might sneak in there…”  What are you a ninja?  Weeks throws it over to Ishikawa– Bam!  Corey Hart just snuck in and grabbed the throw.

Ryan Braun – Might need a day or two rest after leaving yesterday’s game with a sore Achilles.  Hopefully, he doesn’t have a doctor who stutters because instructing him that he needs to “heal heel” could get confusing for all parties.

Anthony Rizzo – Cubs have discussed internally how to get LaHair and Rizzo in the same lineup.  Razzball Exclusive!  Here’s the Cubs’ inner monologue, “Well, if we agree to off Chone Figgins for the Mariners, and they agree to off Alfonso Soriano, then no one will suspect a thing.”

Bryan LaHair – He hit his 6th homer yesterday.  Hey, Cubs, don’t comb over LaHair yet!

Jeff Samardzija – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Yeah, you should pick up Samardetc.  Yes, you.

Cory Luebke – Lands on the DL with elbow soreness.  I want to think good thoughts here and say he’ll be fine when his DL stint is up and he’ll only miss a few starts, but I can’t say that because he’s a pitcher with pitching elbow soreness.

Chipper Jones – 3-for-6, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer.  Glass Chipper said yesterday that it’s a daily decision on whether he can play or not on his knee.  And here I thought he woke up on Thursday and said, “I think I’m gonna have a sore knee on Tuesday.”

Brett Gardner – Shutdown from baseball-related activities for a few days.  No spitting or grabbing your crotch for you!

Ryan Zimmerman – In case you missed it, Zimmerman’s return date was bumped from Sunday to Tuesday.  Here’s Zimmerman at the Genius Bar, “Hey, for some reason I marked my iCal down to give me a reminder to have an injury setback every day at 2 PM, and it’s not showing up until 4.”

Roy Halladay – 5 1/3 IP, 8 ER.  That’s like the pitching equivalent to what Pujols has been doing for the past month.

Carlos Ruiz – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 7 RBIs and his 4th homer.  7 RBIs is more than some of my teams have combined all week.  I will now squeeze myself into an industrial-sized microwave.

Kyle Seager – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and 2 homers.  In our AL-Only team where we lost Longoria, we had Seager back him up.  With back-ups like that who needs front men?  Am I right, last man standing on Blake Shelton’s team from The Voice?  Though I’m simply rooting for “anyone but opera guy” to win.

Jed Lowrie – 3-for-4, 3 runs after hitting a homer yesterday.  You say potato, I say hot schmotato.

Chris Johnson – 4-for-4 as he DIV/0#x’d his HR total with his first 2 HRs of the year in a 6 RBI game.  He is a fantastic 3rd base play 8 times a year.  If he could concentrate that in 1 week and give me a heads up, it would be appreciated.

Kelly Johnson – It was a good day to be a Johnson as Kelly hit his 6th HR while hitting leadoff for the first time this year.  In retrospect, it’s odd that Bobby Cox hated this guy given their surnames are equally phallic.

Brett Lawrie – 0-for-4 as the Blue Jays scored 11 runs.  Ticker tease!

Edwin Encarnacion – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs with his 9th homer.  Coincidentally, this was the 9th time I sighed this season saying, “Why didn’t I draft Encarnacion?”

Jake Arrieta – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Been having a hard time coming around on O’s starters, but Arrieta, like a true love or a really good sandwich, is giving me something to believe in.  Two weeks ago, he was in the Buy, two and a half years ago Stephen wrote about him.  Member Stephen?  His picture looked like Alf blowing a bubble.  Anyway, grab Arrieta.  It’s good for your pancreas (and fantasy baseball team).

Nick Markakis – 2-for-5 and his 3rd homer.  Sparkakis!  Never has such a good rallying call been so wasted.

Matt Harrison – 3 1/3 IP, 8 ER, 10 baserunners.  My sweet lord that sucks!  Hope Harrison found some inner peace while owners’ ERA and WHIP gently weep.

Jonathan Sanchez – 5 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 2 Ks as he outdueled Verlander, but Crow blew the win as retaliation for Sanchez’s bullpen-taxing short outings and his pranks in the bullpen that show an odd appreciation for Rollie Fingers.

Brennan Boesch – 1-for-4 with his 4th Boesch and bomb!

B.J. Upton – Should be fine after leaving yesterday’s game with cramping.  Not the first time I’ve heard a B.J. pulling up short due to cramps.

Chris Schwinden – 4 IP, 5 ER vs. the Astros.  In the first row at Minute Maid Park was Barbara Bush or as Schwinden would call her Babraham Lincoln.

Carlos Gonzalez – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs with his 6th and 7th homers of the year.  Yeah, and Matt Kemp poops out 6th and 7th homers for breakfast.

Jeff Suppan – 5 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Does Hodgepadre’ing know no (stutterer!) bounds?  Apparently not.

J.J. Putz – 2/3 IP, 2 ER and his 2nd blown save.  Call me when he’s got 4 blown saves like every other closer!

Justin Upton – 1-for-3 with a slam & legs.  One of the Upton’s knows how to satisfy his owners and surprisingly it’s not the one named B.J.

A.J. Burnett – 2 2/3 IP, 12 ER vs. St. Louis.  Don’t mess with the Cardinals now that they got that Albertross off their team.

Carlos Beltran – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 7 RBIs with his 6th and 7th homers.  Looks like Berkman bit Beltran and now he’s the new Zombino.

Brian Fuentes – Recorded the save because Balfour’s been ineffective and just threw 29 pitches the day before.  I speculated on Ryan Cook, because at least he’s been good, but the A’s look like they went with a known (if crappy) commodity in Fuentes.  Eh, Fuentes is just a dog with different fleas and if you think he’s good, you’ve been in the monkey house too long, as Tim Gunn would say.

Heath Bell – Zero recorded outs, blown save, ERA balloons to 11.74.  In the next week, one of two things will happen to Bell:  Cishek or Mujica will take over the closing job or he will be traded to the Red Sox.

Ian Desmond – 2-for-5 with his 3rd homer which was a walk off homer to give my man Henry Rodriguez a win.  Like I needed more reason to like Ian Desmond.  C’mon, you tantalizer!

Stephen Lombardozzi – 1-for-3, hitting .293 in the two hole.  Hold on, I wanna call Ms. Cleo of the Psychic Friends Hotline.  “Hello, Ms. Cleo?”  “Hey, child, how you doing with your fine moo-stache?”  “Good, Ms. Cleo, question for you.  What do you see happening next week with Espinosa and Lombardozzi when Zimmerman returns?”  “What a good question from such a handsome, young man!  Next week, Zimmerman will return and Lombardozzi will take over 2nd base and Espinosa will be sent–”  Sorry, I had to cut off before I was charged the extra $1.99, but she was about to say he’d be sent down.  I think Ms. Cleo’s on to something.

Jered Weaver – Threw a no-hitter with one walk and 9 Ks.  It was like he was facing nine Pujolses.

Can you get him for cheaper than he’s worth?  Is panic mode setting in for his owner?  Is he walking around muttering Effjols?  When you look into the eyes of your opponent who owns Albert Pujols, what do you see?  Do you see someone who is hiding tears, pretending they just came out of Subway and the godforsaken onion smell that you need to walk on the other side of the street to avoid has caused them to cry?  Or do you see someone steeled in their resolve?  If it’s the former and former is the first one, you pounce like a feral cat that you’re allergic to.  A feral, I-used-to-be-tame-but-now-I’m-gonna-scratch-your-eyes-out-and-put-them-on-a-kebab-and-serve-them-with-tabouli cat!  There’s no way Pujols just ups and leaves Fantasy Worthiness Land, unless the Angels accidentally signed Alburt Pujols, Albert’s evil, mustachioed brother who the Pujols family disowned 30 years ago and has been plotting his revenge ever since.  (Albert) Pujols has 30 homers, 100 RBIs, 100 runs, .300 average for breakfast and then says he has room for dessert.  Who has dessert with breakfast?!  Albert Pujols does.  You don’t trade that away for pennies on the dollar, but you do prey on the weak and buy that.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Tony Campana – Campana is so steals-crazy he’s like the jittery, smoking guy who asks you where the bathroom is in a bad part of town and you instinctively hold your backpocket to make sure he doesn’t rob your wallet.  That’s Tony Campana.

Luke Scott – The “Luke Scott has cooled off!” and “No, he hasn’t!” camps have moved further apart than Israel and Palestine.  Right now, I’m in the “No, he hasn’t!” camp, but if the U.S. sends in a healthy Nolan Reimold, I may be swayed to flip sides.

Gerardo Parra – Almost hate promoting Parra because it means no Krispie.  Member that fine brother who left his face in the Chase Field wall like Han Solo in carbon?  Miss you, Krispie!  Parra is a decent, not great, five category guy.

Brennan Boesch – For a while there, Boesch looked like cold soup, which is seriously nasty.  Has anyone ever had cold soup that’s tasted good?  I feel like you need to be an old Russian woman to like it.  Anyway, Boesch is in a great spot in the lineup and now hitting.

Stephen Drew – Wondering who the next guy is that you stash on your DL and then drop him once you have to activate him?  Here ya go!

Alcides Escobar – Here’s another guy I’ve be on for about two years and finally it’s looking like it might make a modicum of sense.  He has nice speed and he’s actually hitting.  Like peas and carrots, those two.

Bryan LaHair – Sure, you kinda want to call him B. Bryan LaHair, and don’t believe in love at first sight, but I believe in love at first.  Can I be with LaHair just one night?  Nah, but I could wear him outside like a suit made of cheddarwurst.  Did that rhyme?  I’m not sure it matters.

Francisco Cordero – Santos isn’t returning for at least a month with shoulder issues.  My best guess is Cordero saves more games than Santos this year.  Actually, that’s not my best guess, but my most realistic guess.  My best guess would be Lichtenstein.  But that’s my best guess for every question.  Why don’t they let me on Jeopardy?

Santiago Casilla – Not sure why he’s still owned in less than 50% of leagues (usually my cutoff), but he is.  Wilson’s out for the year; Casilla will get saves.  Don’t make me hack your fantasy account and add him!

Matt Thornton – Look up chilly in the dictionary and you find Santiago.  Pun point!  Could Reed be next?  Could be… Well, could be a few guys, but my money’s on Thornton.

Ross Detwiler – Prior to the 2007 draft, he was considered the 2nd best lefty behind only Price.  Shizz got derailed, or Detwilered.  At one point, he had a 9+ K-rate and solid control.  He might be a really late-bloomer.  I’d prefer that than a guy that has never been anything, but had one great game *cough* Humber *cough*.

Tommy Milone -  His last start was like someone playing Scramble on their iPhone.  Amazing!  Incredible!  Genius!  Wanna look behind the curtain at how I put together these Buy/Sells?  Come with me, attractive-to-your-mother friend!  I usually look at the most added and dropped players in ESPN, but I saw Milone wasn’t there, so I figured he was owned in so many leagues that he wasn’t applicable.  But then I got thinking — hey, sometimes thinking happens.  So I Googled Milone’s name to see how much he’s owned.  He’s owned in 5% of leagues.  (For reference point, Ryan Madson is owned in 12% of leagues; yes, the Ryan Madson that isn’t playing for 12 months.)  So it wasn’t that Milone was owned, it was that he wasn’t being added.  He has a 0.85 WHIP in 27 innings.  If you have a middle reliever for ratio help, the best middle reliever may not have a 0.85 WHIP through 27 innings, and it would take until June to get that many innings.  You might be saying to yourself, “Well, a lot of good this info does me now after he’s already thrown those innings.”  A) Before his first start on April 6th, I said to Buy him.  B) Going forward, I still like him for ratio help.  C) Seriously, what more do you need?  You’re bleeding me dry of fantasy baseball ‘pertness!

Jason Hammel – As mentioned the other day, he gets the Bronx jeers in his next start, but you should own him.

Trevor Bauer – He’s on his way.  Eventually.  How do I know?  I read it on Twitter along with something Ashton Kutcher’s assistant wrote anonymously.  If you have room on your team, move the mattress you saturated in cat urine to hide the weed smell and stash Bauer.

Jarrod Parker – Parker’s no poseur you indie, black-rimmed glasses kid, but if you grab him, because of his jersey, you can tell your friends you’re going green.  Even pick him up using your iPhone while driving your Prius and not paying attention to the road so you run over a pedestrian.

SELL

Ike Davis – How about those fences coming in, huh?  Good ol’ Metco!  You know when I’ll be excited by Mets hitters?  When they move the fences behind home plate.  I don’t mean the fences that are behind there already.  I mean, moving the outfield fences to the other side of home.  Bunt homers!  That’s what I’m looking for.  Davis’s own manager sold him down the river when a lefty came out of the bullpen, pinch hitting for him.  In shallower leagues, make like Tina and drop Ike.  In deeper ones, I’d probably shove him to my bench with Adam Dunn or whatever schmohawk you’re fatally attached to.

Mark Reynolds – I was trying to hold out hope for Mini Donkey but he looks like he’s headed for a Big Donkey circa 2011 season.  A slump for a guy that strikes out nine out of five times to the plate is death.  What’s that smell in here?  “Grey’s cleaning out some mold that was forming in my fridge!  I’ll be up in a second to clip your toenails!”  That’s you talking to your Mom.

Gaby Sanchez – “My Mom’s busting my chops and Yo Gaby Gaby was in the last Sell column!  Get to the good ones!”  Okay, moving on.

Derek Jeter – You know who’s smiling right now?  Minka.  Let the haters hate, right, Minka?  I hear ya, girl.  A’la Clubber Lang, “Let me know if you want a real, mustachioed man!”  I have nothing against Jeter.  Maybe he’s going all Zombino and eating the hearts of pitchers all year.  Though I seriously doubt that.  Do you remember how low he was going in drafts this year?  Do you remember why?  Because he’s been The Sexiest Man Alive That Can’t Hit 12 Homers Or Steal 20 Bases.  Is he hot garbage?  Did you just dump a fresh off a hot plate Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruity into the trash?  No?  Then he’s not hot garbage.  He should hit around .300 and get around 10-ish homers and steals.  Yippee!  Whooooooo cares?  I’ll take Altuve and see Jeter on the other side of I still don’t care.  His name value is so much more valuable than actual value.  I wouldn’t trade him for a five DVD set of Step By Step’s third season, but I’d explore options.

The Yankees got bested by the team that gave Adam Jones away in a chump trade.  I mean, yikes with a side of damn.  I could even see adding seven a’s into that damn for good measure.  Michael Pineda is done for the year with a torn labrum, which only sounds like an injury that a female gymnast would get.  Mariners threw him for 340 innings in 2011 and then traded him to the Yankees for their best prospect.  Hey, Yankees, say hello to your mother for me!  Pineda sounds like he’s done for the year.  This is good for teams that drafted him, but had an “Only one Pineda per team” clause.  For all other teams that drafted him this isn’t good news.  Drop him like a hot Pineda.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Ryan Zimmerman – He’s gonna try to hit on Thursday.  I kinda hope it goes badly, and I own him.  Here’s the scenario I see happening if it goes well:  He returns on Friday, reinjures himself and then really needs 15 days from Saturday.  At least if his hitting session goes poorly, the Nats can backdate his DL stint.  Yes, I’m hopeful for a DL stint.  Yes, I’m Googling his address so I can have a “word” with him.

Jim Johnson – Headed for more tests as the doctors try to figure out what’s wrong with him.  “His peripherals look terrible, but he has so many saves.  Hey, why are we looking at box scores on an X-ray light box?”  That was the doctors after the first round of tests.  Pedro Strop is the pick up for the time being.  Hopefully, Strop isn’t short for closetastrophe.

Shin-Soo Choo – Sat on the bench last night as Shin-Soo Healthy, Hamstring-Soo Not.

Ike Davis – Dropped to 7th in the order, which is terrible for his value.  This was only surprising to me because, no matter how bad Davis has been, for the life of me I couldn’t think of six hitters better than Davis in the Mets lineup.  Hairston?  Tejada?  Really, Seth Myers?

Lorenzo Cain – Had a setback with his groin.  Pain…Sugar!  Sounds like he’s not coming back for at least another week.

Sergio Santos – Out for at least 4 weeks.  Could easily lose Santos until July.  That’s just me being real with you.  See, the truth is, everyone wants to know how many saves Cordero is gonna get or what closers I’m still cool with.  Cordero could get more saves than Santos this year.  If Cordero’s unowned in your league, then your league’s abandoned.  Makes me wonder why you’re reading this, but love your dedication.

Carl Crawford – Headed to Dr. Freeze with a sore elbow.  Looks like Crawford found a new joint to stink up.  Anyone know if Carl has to be with me if I go to City Hall and have his last name changed to Crawful?  No word on how long he’s going to be out, but I’m sure Dr. Freeze will find something to sideline him at least two months.  We shall see.  Or not.  Your choice.

Pedro Alvarez – 3-for-8, 2 RBIs, 2 runs as he hit two homers and a double in the doubleheader.  I told you 18 months ago that he was gonna break out!  Excuse me if I’m just too cutting edge for you.

Aubrey Huff – To the DL with an anxiety disorder.  At least someone is feeling guilty about taking Brandon Belt’s playing time.  Aubrey just needs some good male bonding time with his old college teammate, Pat Burrell.  “Anxiety’s just another name for you need to get laid more.”  That’s Pat Burrell’s motto.

Juan Nicasio – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks as he battled James McDonald, who threw seven innings of 1 hit ball with 8 Ks and 3 walks.  Even though this game and their seasons so far tell the opposite story, I like Nicasio better than McDonald.  As a commenter said the other day, maybe it’s because Juan’s last name makes me think of my grade school watch calculator.  In the end, I wouldn’t say either are necessarily must-starts in shallower mixed leagues.

Jhoulys Chacin – 5 IP, 5 ER vs. the Pirates.  Still holding him after I told you to drop him the first week of the season?  How’s that working out for you?

Corey Hart – 2-for-3 with his sixth homer.  SIX HOMERS, WHO KNEW?  Well, Al Caps, Corey Hart owners maybe.  His family–  I WAS BEING RHETORICAL.

Carlos Gomez – 2-for-5, batting .371.  I’d say he’s a hot schmotato, but the Brewers aren’t playing him anywhere close to every day.

Jose Altuve – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 1 RBI.  Rudy’s poster child is having a nice breakout as he bats .377 on the year.  Oh, and I was using the alternate definition of “poster child.”  Rudy literally dresses his child in Altuve posters. Rudy also talked about him in this week’s podcast (you know, the one where Corbin Bernsen was a guest).

David Freese – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer.  You know how someone punts 3rd base in your league and gets lucky with one of their flyers?  Whoever drafted Freese looks like that guy this year.

Lance Lynn – 8 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Now has an ERA of 1.33.  Yeah, I told you to pick him up before the season even started, but I don’t need another notch in my belt; I’m skinny.

Bryan LaHair – 1-for-4 with a solo homer.  Did you know I have French ancestry and my family name was once LaBright?  Totally not a true story.  I own LaHair (above my LaLip) in an NL-Only league and he’s fighting it out with my cougar for my love.  The LaHairness is racing for mixed league value, and I’d want to be the one to own him.

Trevor Cahill – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER which comes after a 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER effort.  Can’t wait for his next 5 IP, 4 ER start.  I keed with your fantasy feelings.  In most leagues, I’d try to hold onto Cahill; I think he’ll be better and he only has a 3.70 ERA; it’s not like he’s Scherzer’ing all over your team.

Jarrod Parker – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks.  How was that debut?  How about sparkerling?  Yes, I’d pick him up.  Yes, in your league too.  I just went over my Jarrod Parker fantasy the other day.  I wrote it while sitting on top of a crescent moon with an umbrella drink.

Alex Liddi – 2-for-5 with his 2nd homer in as many games.  Being the one major leaguer that was born in Italy has its drawbacks for Liddi, after a base hit in the sixth, he peered across the diamond to his third base coach giving signs and thought he was flipping him off.

Jason Hammel – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Has close to a K/IP, a 1.00 WHIP and a 1.73 ERA.  I’m officially on board, but there’s one problem.  Or caveat if you’re Latin.  His next start is in the House They Built Across The Street From The House Ruth Built.  I want no part of that start.  So if your league is a bunch of vultures, grab Hammel now and bench him.  If you think you can get Hammel even if he pitches well at New York, then let him sit on waivers for a week.

Kyle Drabek – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks.  I’ve said to pick him up for, like, three straight weeks.  I’m moving on now.  You do what you do, I’ll do what I do and we’ll let our probation officers figure out the rest.

Chris Sale – 8 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  I like Parker this much, but I like Sale this much.  I was holding my arms further apart for Sale.

Hector Santiago – 1/3 IP, 3 ER, giving up a homer to the Cuban raftee, Yoenis.  What the H. Santiago?  About two weeks ago, I said Santiago wouldn’t make it out of April with the closer job.  Well, his ERA is 8.53 and literally everyone in their bullpen is better.  I mean, no shizz here, everyone.  I think Reed will end up getting saves at some point, but Thornton’s been solid and he has that ever elusive closer experience gene that MIT is currently trying to grow in a Petri dish for the Red Sox.  If I had to guess, and that’s what I’m doing at this point, I’d pick up Thornton first.  If he’s gone, I’d speculate on Reed.  If Reed’s gone, make me a Denver omelet.  Oh, well.  I tried.

Omar Infante – 2-for-4 with his 5th home run.  Infante has as many homers as Stanton has RBIs.  FMFBBL!

Billy Butler – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and 2 homers.  This was the first time he heard “what a pair” and didn’t blush.

Ubaldo Jimenez – 6 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Ubaldo won the award yesterday for the most fantasy owners looking to drop him.  I think it might be the right move too.  I’m tilting in that direction.  I would put him on my bench in most leagues and see what he does next time out.

Angel Pagan – 1-for-5 with a home run.  He has 17 hits in 17 games played.  Mr. Obvious, “He’s averaging one hit every game.”  He also has two homers in the last 5 games.  I’m not saying he’s a hot schmotato yet, but he’s on the brink of it.  Right now, he’s been in the microwave for eight minutes and he’s still a bit too solid when you stick a fork in him.

Brennan Boesch – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer in 3 games.  Pick him up immediately!  Seriously, don’t make me explain it to you.  If he was dropped, grab him.  Now.

C.J. Wilson – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 11 Ks.  I think I got some funny looks by ranking Wilson as high as I did in the preseason, but I’d take him over Haren at this point.  Yeah, I said it.

Vernon Wells – 2-for-4 with his 4th homer as he bats .239.  If he hits two more homers by next week and raises his average to .260 (which would only really take, like, two 3-for-4 games), I’m gonna mention how I told you to draft him in the preseason.  If he doesn’t do one of those two things, we’ll once again go back to never mentioning that I ever suggested you draft him.  Hey, at least I’m honest with you about my hedging.  Bee tee dubya, he has 4 more homers than Stanton.  I’m crying right now, please look away.  Hey, my tears are wiping Stanton’s name off my Trapper Keeper.  What does that mean?  I wish I had a pint of ice cream and… Why isn’t Lifetime playing Bride Wars!?

Let Kate Upton know that Philip Humber is now allowed entrance into the Perfect Club as he retired 27 straight Mariners (here’s a tip: don’t get too close to Dallas Braden in the sauna).  That’s only the 21st perfect game in history – surprisingly, as you would’ve thought at least that many pitchers would have thrown perfect games against the Mariners last year.  Kudos to those of you who streamed, Humber.   A few of our comments on Saturday went like this, “Grabbed Humber for a stream cuz there was no one else, then dropped him before I even realized he pitched a perfect game.”  Nice Humberbrag!  Before you feel too proud of yourself for being the first to pick up Humber, just remember that the last two guys to throw a perfect game in the AL are Dallas Braden and Mark Buehrle.  The only difference between those non-dominating lefties and Humber is that Humber throws right handed and his first name is what I used to call the guy at the gas station when I was a jerky teenager.  You know, I gave him an aptronym.  Consider this perfect game less a reminder to pick up Phil Humber, but more a reminder that it’s generally a safe bet to stream a pitcher at Seattle.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Marlon Byrd – Traded to the Red Sox as the player to be named later for an old bet between Epstein and John Henry.  Teach Epstein to say, “I bet in eight years the greatest band in the world will be Hoobastank.”  Marlon Byrd is a marginal power, not great speed guy that has more real world value, like everyone who’s ever been on The Real World.  Think 12 homers, 5 steals.  If that excites you, take your meds, you’re excited too easily.

Michael Bowden – The once interesting prospect pitcher went the other way.  You can take that both ways, i.e., he’s no longer interesting and he’s headed to the Cubs (and presumably middle relief).  I wouldn’t be surprised if Epstein knows something that we don’t know (okay, probably a lot of something) in regards to Bowden, but for now there’s nothing to see here.

Tony Campana – Finally, we’re done with real world value where things matter like bill-paying and not getting annoyed when someone refills the toilet paper so it unrolls under.  Put it over so it rolls out!  *breathe, Grey, breathe*  With the trade of Byrd, Campana was recalled and started in center yesterday where he went 1-for-2.  Campana can steal 30 bases in 300 ABs.  He’s crazy fast.  He just ran into your cubicle, refilled your toner and ran out without you seeing him.

Jarrod Parker – Fat Jonah announced that Parker will be called up by the A’s for Wednesday’s game.  Last year, Parker was pretty pedestrian, but that might’ve been him still regaining his control from Tommy John surgery.  I just thought of something:  If I had something that was terminal and got to “Make a Wish,” my wish would be to have Tommy John surgery performed by Tommy John.  If Parker strikes out over 8 per nine as he’s done in the minors, gets ground balls and regains his control, he’s the best starter you’re picking up off waivers right now.  If he fails to translate his Ks and ground balls, then you have an A’s starter that could roofie you.

Jemile Weeks – 0-for-4, now batting .197.  Where’s your manners, Jemile?  If he were sucking this bad, Rickie would at least have the decency to get hurt.

Alfredo Aceves – I had this friend from high school, let’s call him Brian, cause that was his name.  Brian got a job at a hot dog place that served the best chili I’ve ever had.  So Brian got a job at this hot dog place and decided to start putting pubic hair into the chili.  Word spread pretty fast and the hot dog place that was there for 25 years was out of business within 6 months.  Alfredo Aceves is my friend Brian and that chili is the Red Sox’s closer job.

Daniel Bard – Seems slightly crazy that everyone, except the Red Sox knew Bard should be in the bullpen, but now he’s there.  He just went from K to F or M.  It might be temporary as his start was rained out, but I’d still grab him in the non-sexual way.

Roy Oswalt – Red Sox and Cards are reaching out to him to pitch for them.  Razzball got an exclusive peek at the negotiations!  “Roy, have you ever heard of my friend, Benjamin Franklin?”  The negotiator pulls out a hundred.  Oswalt shakes his head.  “Maybe you’ve heard of my friend, John Deere?”  Oswalt perks up.

Sergio Santos – To the DL with what I’m calling, “I told you not to draft him in the preseason!”  Grab Francisco Cordero immediately.  Though, I imagine unless you’re in a league with yourself and nine teams you own under different aliases, he’s gone.  Though II:  The Return of Though (that the critics dubbed:  Why do they keep making Though’s):  If you’re in a league against nine of yourself, I appreciate you still reading Razzball even if you might not need quote-unquote advice.

Francisco Cordero – Got the ugly save yesterday after giving up a run.  Hey, it’s like he’s been closing all year!

Danny Duffy – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners (5 BBs), 5 Ks vs. the Blue Jays.  Kinda felt this start coming.  Still like Duffy’s promise, but he looks about as safe to own as Filthy Sanchez and Hochevar.  Imagine the sun is made of walks and their wings are made of Ks.

Wei-Yin Chen – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Ugh, just having a real hard time advising to pick up O’s starters, especially one that had declining Ks before coming to this country.  I’d let someone else gamble.

Giancarlo Stanton – He says his knee is better.  From his mouth to God’s ears… Which I guess is him talking to himself.

Nick Swisher – Had a lovely time in Boston.  5-for-9 with 2 HRs and 7 RBIs.  Then the lemon butter dill sauce on the Dover Sole at Legal Seafood effectively masked the spit flavoring added by Chef Sully.

Mark Teixeira – M-Teix usually likes Aprils as much as Garfield likes Mondays but May seemed to come a fortnight early this year.  After hitting his 1st HR of the year on Thursday, Teixeira hit 2 HRs and a double on Saturday – including an opposite-field HR as a lefty.  Our little M-Teix is all May’d up.

Michael Pineda – Had a setback during his rehab, which Girardi deemed “not good.”  I’ll add “indeed.”

Adrian Beltre – Adrian’s rocky relationship with his hamstrings continues as he strained one on Saturday.  Beltre is headed for an MRI on Monday, and I wouldn’t be surprised if his hamstring says some wet blanket bullcrap like, “It’s suicide.  You’ve seen your leg, you know how fragile it is….you can’t run!”  Then the hamstring complains at Whole Foods when it has to pay full price for a Coppola wine.

Josh Hamilton – 3-for-3, 1 run, 2 RBIs and a slam & legs.  Can’t he party with Kinsler and some 19-year-old girls in a bathroom stall every preseason?

Francisco Liriano – 5 IP, 5 ER with a 11+ ERA on the year.  To rope fantasy baseballers back in, he’s due for a six unearned run, twelve walk no-hitter.

Frank Francisco – The closerousel continues as Frank Frank gets the dreaded vote of confidence.  When a manager, says someone is still their closer that gives them about five days before they’re no longer the closer.  I’d pick up Rauch, but wear back support he looks heavy.

Daniel Hudson – To the DL with a shoulder impingement, which is the worst kind of after-start ‘ment a pitcher can get.  He’s without a timetable; that’s a nice way to say, “Shizz just got real.”  The good news, the MRI revealed no structural damage, but the MRI was at 2-for-1 Ruby Tuesday’s happy hour yesterday.  Between Hudson and Collmenter, the Diamondbacks’ stalling on you-know-who just got accelerated.  If you don’t know you-know-who, hint:  he’s the next blurb.

Trevor Bauer – The Bauer countdown has officially begun.  Or said again with a whisper scream as he’s distracted because his daughter is in danger.   Scott has Bauer 9th on the top 25 fantasy baseball prospects list.  There, he compares him to Lincecum.  I think he meant that as a compliment.  In 12 team mixed leagues, it’s time to start stashing Bauer.  I think he’s up within the month, but could depend on Hudson.

Gerardo Parra – 2-for-4 with a slam & legs.  And here we thought it was Krispie.  The D-Backs’ centerfield position is an unknown location in Tibet with mystical powers.

Brennan Boesch – 1-for-5 with his 2nd homer.  I feel the tide starting to go out on Boesch in the comments.  I get it, he’s been terrible so far, but in most leagues I’d try to hold out.  He’s in such a great spot in a lineup and Leyland Ron Popeil’s his lineup about as good as anyone.

Drew Smyly – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Okay, you have to own him at this point.  He has nearly a K per inning and a 1.13 ERA.  I do think the bottom could fall out at any time.  Or at least fall relatively back to earth.

Kyle Blanks – To have season-ending surgery on his shoulder.  He didn’t blame the injury on carrying around David Eckstein in a bjorn.

Anthony Bass – 6 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Hodgepadre!

Juan Francisco – Homered yesterday as he started at 3rd.  Too bad Glass Chipper isn’t due for a setback for another three days.

Jon Jay – Heading to St. Louis for tests on his shoulder.  No word if he’s being transported by Clydesdale, but I think that’s the only method of transportation in St. Louis, so maybe it’s implied.

Kyle Lohse – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Kinda excited for May just so I don’t have to keep talking about this schmohawk in a positive light.

Andrew McCutchen – Batting .351 in the three hole and has 2 RBIs on the year.  Guys and (4 ladies), your Pittsburgh Pirates!

Ryan Zimmerman – He was scratched on Saturday (aaah…) and then Sunday was rained out, but he expects his shoulder to be up to snuff for Tuesday.  Bob Crane would say that’s hot.

Chad Billingsley – 3 1/3 IP, 5 ER vs. the Astros.  Look in the mirror.  See that person?  They got sucked in by Billingsley.

Freddy Sanchez – Will start Monday his rehab, I said, “Whatever, whatever, whatever.”

Cliff Lee – The Adverb is off to the DL with an oblique injury following his 10 inning scoreless start.  Little known fact – Jack Morris had to ice his moustache for a solid week after that memorable 10 inning World Series start.  ObLeeque had a strained abdomen with the Mariners in 2010 that cost him a month – hopeful Lee this will be limited to missing 3 starts.

Chris Narveson – Chris Capuano 2.0 looks done for the year with a rotator cuff injury.  On the bright side, he now has more time to sell insurance to the fine folks of Punxsutawney.

I usually like to keep private emails private, but when it’s matters of the state or sleepers, all is fair.  The first email was from Hank from Dearborn, Michigan.  Hank writes, “Where’s Brennan Boesch?  I’ve been long time reader of Razzball and I wish to know the answer to this question.  Until I know said answer, I’m farting in your general direction.”  Eddie Murphy from Los Angeles writes, “I can’t believe you didn’t write a sleeper post about Brennan Boesch.  By the way, this is the last of my final thousand words I’m allowed to say before they stop letting me make crappy, family comedies.”  Finally, in writes Larry King, “Anyone see where I put my suspenders?”  Sorry, Hank, Eddie and Larry, Brennan Boesch has been on my radar, but I guess I just needed a little push from you guys.  So what makes Brennan Boesch a 2012 fantasy baseball sleeper?

January Grey placed him in a tier called, “At least two of these guys will break out and shoot up the rankings for 2013.”  Boesch could easily be that guy.  He reminds me a lot of Mike Morse as he was headed into the 2011 season.  All signs point to him about to break out.  Last season, Boesch hit 16 homers, stole 5 bases and rang up a .283 average in only 115 games.  There’s nothing there screaming out at me that is unlikely to happen again, so if you prorate all of those numbers up for 150+ games, Boesch looks like a legit third fantasy outfielder.  Since he’s about to be 27 years old, there’s a chance for more as he hits his peak.  Maybe peaking near 25 homers, getting lucky with runs and RBIs and hitting .280.  Basically, Mike Morse.  At the worst, he looks like a 1st half player.  Last year, 12 homers pre-All-Star Break, 4 after.  In 2010, 12 homers in the 1st half and 2 homers in the 2nd half.  Some ‘perts have been saying that’s a negative about Boesch.  I’d much rather draft a guy that I don’t have to wait on until June to start hitting.  At least with Boesch, you see dividends, then trade or drop him in July.  I predict by mid-April a common comment on the site will be “Boesch…and…bomb!”