Fantasy Baseball Advice

At least that’s the creed that Francona and Epstein keep repeating to themselves as they sit in the fetal position on opposite corners of the clubhouse shower. Carl Crawford seems like a nice guy.  Something about the name Carl.  So innocuous.  “Hey, sis, what’s your new boyfriend’s name?  Carl?  I’m gonna like him on Facebook.”  That’s you jibber-jabbering with your family.  Because Carl seems like a nice guy could be partially why it’s so sad to see him struggle this much.  Doode better not stand too close to the Pesky pole in a lightning storm cause he will get struck.  That’s been his luck so far.  Franconian measures were taken to get Crawford going by openly mocking him with a lineup switch.  That never helps.  It’s like when you’re a teenager and your Mom makes an appointment for you to see a dermatologist.  Suddenly, you realize you’re not hiding your acne as good as you thought you were.  Crawford is really doing nothing wrong other than getting extremely unlucky.  That luck will turn around and he’ll suddenly look like the 2nd round pick he was in the preseason.  To misquote a cliche, get in now while the gettin’s not good.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Justin Smoak – I just went over my Smoak fantasy.  I wrote it riding on the back of a bicycle through downtown Milwaukee while Shirley steered.

Brett Wallace – Sure, his ESPN Player Card looks like he had some bad work done by Dr. 90210 (you storing acorns in those cheeks, Brett?  Brett looks like he says, “Franks and beans!  Franks and beans!”), but he’s hitting at a near-.600 clip over the last week.

Brandon Wood – He’s one of the top prospects in the game!  Low voice:  From 6 years ago.

David Cooper – With the demotion of Snider (don’t write), Cooper will fill-in as the Jays DH.  For the Triple-A Vegas Fake Boobs, Cooper slashed .395/.438/.617.  His BABIP was silly ridiculous, so the average there isn’t happening but his power is decent.  When you put ‘decent power’ into Google translator, it spits back ‘Above James Loney but below Justin Smoak.  Say Ike Davis.  No, you don’t have to literally say it.’  Geez, Google translator sounds a bit testy.  In AL-Only leagues, he’s a must own — obviously.  I’d take a flyer on him in deeperish mixed leagues, depending on how bad you muffed your corner infidel slot.

Sergio Santos – This is probably still Mergio Salthorntos’ job, but Serge is a nose ahead.

Eduardo Sanchez – Similar shituation to the White Sox.  It’s not clearly Eduardo’s job.  Imagine, if you will, you’re traveling through another dimension — a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind.  A journey into a wondrous land where Ozzie and La Russa make every decision for you.  You order a burger then a steak then a piece of chicken.  You get your car washed, decide halfway through that you need a shower and hop out of your car.  You go to the movies and leave halfway through the opening credits.  That’s a signpost up ahead:  your next stop:  the Twilight Zone!

Vicente Padilla – I’d go with Kuo first.  Speaking of which…

Hong-Chih Kuo – Hello, I wish to welcome everyone who was sent here from the ellipsis in Padilla’s blurb.  Make yourself comfortable.  Can I offer you some tea?

Darren Oliver – He sounds like a sitcom character.  Not a funny one.  The straight man.  Not that there’s anything wrong with being straight.  Feliz is a lock to be saving games in a week (please, God, let that be true), but I’d own Oliver in the mean’s while.

Wilson Ramos – Grey’s Prediction That Doesn’t Matter At All Of The Day:  Ramos is going to be on and off waivers all year then will be drafted next year around 140 overall as he appears on sleeper lists all across the interwebs.

Mike Aviles – Not a huge fan, but he’s on his way to 15/15 season and his average should come up.

Jeff Baker – Baker has been so hot.  Like an oven.

Darwin Barney – The Purple Evolutionist, as someone coined him in the comments the other day, is hitting over his head, but that doesn’t mean you can’t ride the hot schmotato.

Clint Barmes – He’s still available in my NL-Only league and I’m not exactly rushing to pick him up.  Never the hoo!  If you’re rocking someone two eggs short of an omelet, I’d stash Barmes.

Domonic Brown – Pick him up now, DL him for a few weeks, then trade him a day before he returns.  Or ride the Brown lightning.  Hmm, that sounds kinda weird.

Randy Wolf – Could someone please make a t-shirt with three pictures of Wolf howling at the moon?  That is all.

Scott Baker – Rudy likes Scott Baker.  This was brought to you by the Committee of Grey Endorsing Baker Without Really Endorsing Him.

Alex White – Just went over Alex White this morning.  Scroll on, scroller!

Brandon Beachy – Me telling you to grab Beachy seems so three Buy/Sell’s ago, but he’s still only owned in 23% of ESPN leagues.  The same Beachy that has 31 Ks in 29 1/3 IP, a 31:9 K:BB and a 1.09 WHIP.

SELL

Gordon Beckham – Hitting under .200 with 2 homers and 1 steal.  At this point, I’d prefer to own Gordon Shumway.  I think it’s fair to say we can move on from this schmohawk.

Aubrey Huff – Depends on the league whether you’re dropping him or trading him (as with most of these guys), but I warned you in the preseason of Huff’s Saberhagenish on/off years.  In fact, I’ll quote it for you cause that’s how I roll, “A big flashing red arrow is pointing at his alternate seasons of 15 home runs a piece in 2007 and 2009.  If you get an off season from Huff, you’ve just lost your league.  That’s just me being real wit’ you.  You see the truth is everybody wanna know how close me and Huff is.  Or who I’m still cool wit’.”  And that’s me quoting me and paraphrasing Dr. Dre!  Can we get Detox already?  I need a doctor.

Bobby Abreu – Getting some spring cleaning done here.  I think Abreu’s done cause he looks cooked.

Wade Davis – I’m not telling you to drop him, but I’m wondering in the dark recesses of my medulla oblongata if you can sell Davis for more ducats than he’s worth.  Obviously, I’m talking deep leagues here since he’s not even owned in all leagues.  He is pitching far above his head ratio-wise.  His K-rate is atrocious (4+) and he’s getting lucky with balls hit into play.  In AL-Only leagues, I wouldn’t sell him for a white chocolate dipped fortune cookie, but I’d explore offers.

Ozzie said that Sergio Santos would be the closer vs. righties.  That means Santos is just the closer closer.  Or as close to it as we’re gonna get.  I don’t know how much I believe this.  Just the other day Ozzie said the White Sox had the best bullpen in the American League.  And he didn’t add “in opposite world,” at the end of the sentence.  I think Sale and Thornton are still in the mix, but it’s old school to go righty vs. righty and maybe Ozzie just wants to kick a little something for the old G’s.  If Sergio Santos can save games for the next week as well as he designs jeans, he could run with the job.  It’s worth the flyer, ya’ll!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Philip Humber – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Was a terrific start.  Also, he had a 4.42 ERA coming into the game and his stuff would have him in middle relief if Peavy were healthy.

Albert Pujols – Didn’t need anything for his hamstring strain and could be ready to go on Tuesday.  Or as that day will forever be called in St. Louis, Thanktheeffinlordday.

Logan Morrison – Had his cast removed and should be able to return when his DL stint ends.  Logan will be putting his cast on eBay.  I hope it fetches more than my VHS copy of Midnight Madness, that awesome 80′s Michael J. Fox movie where they go on a scavenger hunt.  Can’t believe someone stole that from me for $1.99.  It’s a rarity!

Chris Coghlan – 3-for-4, 3 Runs, 2 RBIs and 2 homers yesterday, now has 3 homers in the last four games.  Hopefully he doesn’t smash a whipped cream pie into his own face.

Brian Sanches – Got his 3rd vulture win yesterday.  Mujica has 2 wins.  Mike Dunn has a vulture win.  Know how many the Razzball-owned Clay Hensley has?  Rhymes with “Why doesn’t he have one?” and it’s spelled none.

Brandon Wood – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs as he started in place of Pedro Alvarez vs. a lefty.  That’s a good move to cause me to claw my eyes out.  Thanks, Pittsburgh!

Chris Narveson – 2 1/3 IP, 7 ER.  Ouch.  Wait, what?  Oh.  Ouch!

Colby Lewis – 5 IP, 6 ER, 11 baserunners, 3 Ks, now has an ERA of 6.95.  To preemptively answer the inevitable Lewis comment, I don’t know what you should do because I wouldn’t have drafted him.

Jose Bautista – Has he got his 50th homer again yet?  Stupid Bautista making me look stupid.

Matt Garza – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks and 4 unearned runs for the always ulcer-inducing ticker shock.

Kosuke Fukudome – 5-for-5, hitting .478 on the year.  He’s always been an April hitter.  That gives you four more days before the clock strikes crap.

Darwin Barney – Hit his first homer as his owners sang, “I love you, you love me.”

Kendrys Morales – Not getting “full explosion” with his runs.  Sounds like he should eat more Mexican food.

Ryan Zimmerman – Given the okay to resume some baseball activities.  Like spitting and scratching himself.

Willie Bloomquist – Sent to the 15-day DL with a strained hamstring.  Chief Justice Ryan Roberts must’ve Gillooly’d him with a gavel.

Brad Emaus – To the Rockies.  Yeah, just what they need, another second baseman.

Jay Bruce – Bruuuuuuce!

Ian Kennedy – After that blip on the radar two weeks ago, it looks like the Kennedy administration is back to kissing babies and glad-handing.

A.J. Burnett – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Someone asked in the comments yesterday what it would take for me to trust Burnett.  He had a 1.46 WHIP and 4.37 ERA going into last night’s game.  Last April, he had a 2.43 ERA and ended the year with a 5.26.  This is someone I have to trust?

Brett Gardner – 0-for-2, hitting .136 on the year.  Yahoo’s Pianowski traded me Gardner yesterday for The Lisper’s Nightmare.  I figure Gardner has to come around…Okay, he doesn’t have to, but should and trading for him with Seth Smith, a fantasy fifth outfielder, seems like a decent gamble.  Now tell me what a moron I am.

Phil Hughes – Had a setback in his rehab.  Hughes and his right arm had a moment as the following song played in the background, “I f**ked you once, I f**ked you twice.  I won’t let a 92 MPH heater go at any price.”

Jerry Sands – 3-for-4 with his 2nd steal for his first game in one our team’s lineups.  Hey, we popped our Jerry!

Jonathan Broxton – Blew his first save.  Huh?!  He only has one blown save?  That’s crazy talk.  He hasn’t pitched well in seven months.  And this blown save was due to an error.  If Kuo is on waivers, I’d grab him; he should be back by the end of the week.

Juan Uribe – Missed the entire weekend and out on Monday too.  On a completely unrelated note, how does someone who is bedridden because they are so fat keep eating?  Stop bringing them food!

Don Mattingly – A recent winning streak had Donnie Baseball refusing to shave his goatee.  Andre Ethier had also paused his Brazilian waxing routine.

Elijah Dukes – Arrested for driving with a suspended license.  Elijah said, “I had to get to the Katz’s house before the end of seder!”

Ozzie Guillen said Jake Peavy “has some things with his arm.”  You know how know-it-alls put (sic) to indicate the quote’s error is not the transcriber’s error?  They should adopt this for major league managers.  “Has some things with his arm (Ozzie).” “Mathis just knows how to play the game BETTER! (Scioscia)”  “That’s not old school, that’s good school.  That’s the way you play the game unless you want to put some rouge and makeup and lipstick on. (Manuel)”  So Peavy has some things with his arm.  Yeah, that’s not a good sign.  That’s like my friend who was trying to sell me a car.  “It just hasn’t been started in over a year.”  I put Peavy in the “Avoid” tier in the preseason because he’s been too injured the last few seasons.  What’s he now?  Injured.  Thank you, your Honor.  I rest my case.  I’d look to sell Peavy.  Unfortunately, no one’s buying him.  Right now, the Sox are only talking about moving his next start, but it’s not a good sign either way.  Or eithurrrr if Mystikal’s reading to you.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Chris Resop – Off to the DL.  The Disgraceful List is when a player’s DL’d for sucking.  But what’s it called when the player forces a team to promote them due to a contract issue and then is DL’d because the club just doesn’t want the player?  Disagreement List?  Disaccord List?  Dis Team Has No Room For You List?

Shelley Duncan – Hit his 2nd homer in two games.  Unfortunate for anyone who had to high five him afterwards.

Tommy Hunter – Left the game with some hip flexor discomfort.  Pretty sneaky of Coghlan to step up to the plate with “The Twist” playing.

Julio Borbon – 2-for-4 with his 1st homer, now batting .285 to Andrus’ .288.  Give him the green light!

Brandon Wood – 1-for-3 as he played shortstop for Izturis, who went to the DL with a strained forearm.  If Wood hits and if he gets shortstop eligibility and one more if you’ll have a full house.  If’s over and’s.

Jon Niese – 7 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Looks like Niese has put his feud with Heather B completely behind him.  He’s pitching well and he has home games in Metco yadda³, I’d grab him.

Fred Lewis – 4-for-5 with his 5th steal as Jose Bautista sat.  The Bautista who is hitting .194 with 5 homers since I said you should sell him a month ago.  In April, Bautista had 4 homers.  In May, he hit 12 homers.  In June, he has 2 homers.  You tell me which month looks off.  Oh, and sorry to Fred Lewis for hogging his blurb with Bautista info.

Ricky Romero – 6 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks and a 3.08 ERA on the year.  I don’t want to lose people with K/9 or anything so here… Romero has 96 Ks in 96 1/3 innings.  Thing.  Of.  Beauty.  Yes, I brought out the douchey one word sentences for emphasis.

John Buck – 2-for-4 with his 12th homer.  BUCK!

Scott Baker – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 12 Ks.  A Baker’s dozen!  Wait, that’s not right.  Eh, whatever.  Baker just about reached the point where I was going to tell people to lose him everywhere so he really needed this start.  I don’t think he’s completely out of the woods, but he’s in a better place than he was after his last start.

Joe Mauer – 0-for-3, hitting .311 with 2 homers on the year.  Cust kayin’.

Jaime Garcia – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks.  First time in a while his line looks like he should have got the Win and what happens?  Gets the loss for the first time since May 8th.  It’s the chutzpah of Wins.

Brennan Boesch – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs, his 9th homer as he bats .344 on the year.  Who’s been more valuable, Boesch or Holliday?  Yup.

Don Kelly – 0-for-4, ye of a .217 average and .276 OBP hit leadoff.  Your internal monologue, “Why, Grey, I do not understand?”  Because Kelly played center and Leyland only has one lineup card.

Jose Tabata – Hit his first major league homer yesterday.  I’m fingercuffed to him and it feels so good.  Then not good.  Then good again.

Matt Lindstrom – Got the save.  Guess his back is, um, back.  Lyon hasn’t been bad so I’m holding him for now where I have room.

David DeJesus – 10 for his last 13.  For DeJesus’ next trick, he’s going to walk on water.  The downside is there isn’t much upside.

Mike Leake – 6 IP, 5 ER, 12 baserunners, 4 Ks.  About three weeks ago, I was saying he was going to fall back to earth then for the last two weeks after that I’ve been reminding you that I was saying Leake was going to fall back to earth three weeks ago.  I don’t think he’s all the way back to earth yet either.

Manny Ramirez – 3rd homer in his last seven games and 2nd homer in last two games.  After the homer, he got back in the dugout and Casey Blake iced him.

Clayton Kershaw – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 Ks, 8 baserunners, but only 1 walk.  Look at Kershaw only walking three hitters in his last two starts.  Oh, and he has 97 Ks in 85 IP.  Nasty.

Livan Hernandez – 6 2/3 IP, 8 ER, 13 baserunners, 2 Ks.  What did this fat guy who can only throw 82 MPH do with the other fat guy who can only throw 82 MPH?

Aubrey Huff – 3-for-4 with his 4th homer in the last six games.  Keeps going like this and he may get a “Huffing Along” post title.

Tim Lincecum – 6 IP, 2 ER, 12 baserunners, 10 Ks.  Was hit by a comebacker and removed from the game.  Lincecum should be fine for his next start.  In a weird voodoo doll-type way, when Lincecum was hit, k.d. lang said, “Ouch.”

Pablo Sandoval – Giants trainer said Sandoval needs to be more disciplined about his eating habits.  Earth to ESPN, this is a reality show!  Watch Kung Fu Panda go to the beach and refuse to take off his shirt.  Watch as Kung Fu Panda says no to Kung Pao Chicken and yes to calisthenics.  Watch Kung Fu Panda go shopping for clothes.  “No, Renteria, I can’t fit into these Dockers.  I’m bloated!”

This is a moderate Buy.  I wanted to find a player that would make you excited to buy, but I also wanted to cover Grady Sizemore.  I owed it to you, loyal Razzball reader.  So here we are.  Grady has NOT (Hey, it’s Caps Night!) been terribly unlucky.  I know BABIP makes you say WTF, but I need to go there super quick.  His BABIP shows a guy that isn’t that far off from his career mark.  His line drive rate is around its norm and his fly ball rate is down.  His K-rate is up and his walk rate is down.  So to break this down into your Leisure Suit Larry terms, I think he’s pressing (that’s what the walks and Ks are telling me), his average should go up (his line drives), which should help his steals (guessing).  There’s got to be some homers in his bat.  Guy just doesn’t lose his shizz at 27.  Actually, they’re supposed to gain it.  I wouldn’t pay more than sixty cents on the dollar, but I would buy Grady.  The Indians are despised, according to the Wall Street Journal (that’s real PC there, WSJ), but that doesn’t mean Grady needs to be.  Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

Psyche!  Before we get into the post, I wanted to tell everyone I’m in Austin this weekend to attend Rudy’s wedding.  I won’t be near a computer for the weekend, so please help each other.  You can do it!  Now make me proud.  Anyway II, here’s the post…

BUY

Brandon Wood – I will now attempt to avoid any Wood puns.  As I opine… Dah!  If you’re hard up… Gah!  I give up, grab Wood.

Nick Swisher – Hitting over .400 in the last week.  Yes, he’s another Random Outfielder That Is On And Off Waivers All Year So Every Team Will Own At Some Point And You Only Want Them When Hot.  Or ROTIOAOWAYSETWOASPAYOWTWH, if you find acronyms easier to remember.

Chris Coghlan – Now Coghlan hit it so hot you got tanned.

Alexei Ramirez – He’s been a whole lot of nothing, then he muddled that together with mint and gave you a HeSucksjito.  He’s a 15/15 player that never plays well in April.  There’s value in that for the right price.

Frank Francisco – If saves are what you covet, Frank-Frank should be able to satiate you.  The preceding was probably cribbed from a bad Cinemax After Dark movie.

Alfredo Simon – Saves ain’t got no face, but if they did have a face they probably wouldn’t look anything like Alfredo Simon.  Nevertheless!

LaTroy Hawkins – I want to say LaTroy Hawkins will take over for Hoffman, but he’s a Cuddle Boy and he hasn’t even been doing a very good job cuddling this year.  Todd Coffey’s not a bad name… To poop on.  If you look at Villanueva from one angle, he’s the man.  Another angle and it’s Hawkins.  Another angle and it’s Hoffman.  Then Coffey bursts through the door like Kramer, only to find Manny Parra emerging from the bathroom with his shirt off.  Really, it’s a bad shituation, but I’d grab Hawkins since Macha hinted at him.

Evan Meek – “Don’t ask” Dotel has lived up to his name.  Yet, he’s still the closer.  You can grab Meek, but whatever you do, don’t speculate on more than one Pirate closer.

Miguel Olivo – Because of a sitewide zoning ordinance only one catcher can be mentioned per week in the Buy/Sell.  Olivo should be owned in every league.  Yes, even in 8 team leagues where the 7 other teams were autodrafted and abandoned.

Rhyne Hughes – Good grab for AL-Only leagues, but you have to platoon him until the Orioles realize what the Rockies and fantasy baseball owners have known about Atkins for a while.

Jhoulys Chacin – He Ks people and induces groundballs.  Hello, sexy, what’s your name?  Jhoulys. How do you spell that?  I don’t know. I’d watch Chacin in mixed leagues and own immediately in NL-Only ones.

Jaime Garcia – Carlos Silva is owned in 17% of ESPN leagues and Garcia is owned in 11%.  Um, well, uh… Okay.

C.J. Wilson – Here’s a quick lesson for the back of the room.  You know, the nappers.  When in doubt, you want a pitcher that can strikeout hitters because if a hitter puts the ball into play anything can happen.  If a hitter strikes out, nothing can happen.  Barring, of course, Gregg Zaun then throwing the ball back to the pitcher and the ball ending up in left field.  So C.J. Wilson has a K/9 of 7.36.  That’s solid, not great.  Could get better.  Dallas Braden has a K/9 of 5.70, which isn’t good and is artificially inflated by his first start of the year.  Okay, now comes the essay question.  Why is Braden owned in 61% of ESPN leagues and Wilson is owned in only 25%?  Extra credit:  Compare Braden, Wilson and ESPN readers to different Food Network stars.

SELL

Edwin Jackson – Sorry, I warned people in the preseason.  If you’re coming late to the party, well, where ya been?  Anyway, I don’t think we see last year this year from Edwin.  Say that fast three dozen times.

Rick Porcello – This is beating a dead horse, but since I still see him on some teams in our fantasy baseball forums, I’m putting it out there again.  Porcello –> blech.

Martin Prado – He has one homer and no steals.  That’s about the norm for him.  His value is coming from an unreal average.  Unreal as in not real like a fake.  Hey, Prado is a knockoff.

Jason Bay – I’m officially worried.  He’s been lucky as far his average goes and he’s hitting .269.  His new stadium could wreak havoc on Bay like it did on Wright last year.  If he can’t nudge balls right around the Pesci Pole, he might have a huge drop in value.  I’m not saying trade him away for a Gregg Jefferies rookie card, but I’d listen to offers.

Jorge Cantu – Leads the NL in RBIs.  Wait for it… It’s here somewhere… Oh, here it is… SELLL!!!!!!  Uh-oh, I released it and now I can’t control it… Watch out… Here it comes again… SELLL!!!!!!  I can’t stop it!  Hide your eyes; it’s coming again!  SELLL!!!!!!  Please someone help me– SELLL!!!!!!  It’s eating my arm!  SELLL!!!!!!  SELLL!!!!!! SELLL!!!!!!  Suddenly, SELLL!!!!!! stops and smiles.  SELLL!!!!!!, “Take it easy, Grey.  I was just messing with you.  Oh, and Cantu really is a sell.  For reals.  SELLL!!!!!! out.”

Alex Trebek, “Nelson Cruz, Josh Hamilton and Ian Kinsler.”  What’s the deal with all of these Rangers having all the upside in the world but not being able to stay healthy?  Alex, “Um, okay, we would’ve also accepted, ‘Who are some Ranger players?’  Oh, and nice mustache.”   Nelson Cruz has hit the DL five times in his short career.  Always with these little niggling injuries.  Shoulder fatigue this, ankle sprain that.  Someone get this guy some HGH.  I’d like to see a rule put into place that every player who has an injury needs to make two phone calls before they’re able to go on the DL.  One phone call to discuss their injury with Cal Ripken.  Another phone call to a Holocaust survivor.  If they can handle the guilt and still think their injury should force them out of action, then so be it.  Nelson Cruz will be out at least two weeks.  Nothing you can do but DL him and try to find a decent replacement.  David Murphy’s a good in-house one.  Though he needs to benched by you and the Rangers vs. lefties.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Brett Anderson – B.A. could miss up to 6 weeks.  So far it’s been a bad week to be listed in the risky pitchers for 2010 post.  Two guys hit the DL, another guy strained his groin.  Hey, there’s my groin… No, wait.  That’s my outie belly button.  Damn, I shouldn’t be straining to find– Ouch! I was pretty hands off with Brett Anderson this year.  As in, there’s Brett Anderson in my drafts and I’m not touching him.  A forearm strain… Shoot, anything with the arm is tricky for a pitcher.  You thought I didn’t want to own him before the injury, guess how I feel about him now.  One hundred sixty pounds! That’s trying to guess my weight, random italicized voice.  Totally my bad! But you’re kinda SOL right now because you can’t sell him for fifty cents on the dollar… Well, I mean you could, but I wouldn’t.  If you were to wait until he returns and pitches well, then traded him.  I could get behind that.

Jorge de la Rosa – The 2nd risky pitcher to make his way to the DL; de la Rosa’s suffering from a torn tendon in his middle finger.  In layman’s terms, this is called a wounded bird.  Rox docs are saying he should only miss a few starts.  I don’t want to yell fire in the theater of Razzball, but this is a similar injury that Wainwright suffered a few years ago and it knocked him out from June 7th, 2008 until August 22nd.  Listen, I don’t even know what to take for an upset stomach, so I’m obviously no doctor, but don’t try and buy de la Rosa on the cheap.

Jhoulys Chacin – Will take over for dlR.  Just went over him yesterday.  Scroll down or click here.  Your options are endless.

Chris Iannetta – Sent to the minors.  I’m in a league where I had him sitting in my catcher slot all year.  I’m also in first place in that league.  I’m telling you, guys and three girl readers.  Your catchers don’t matter.  Just throw someone in there.  In that league, I grabbed John Jaso for s’s and g’s.  Olivo is a great option if he’s out there.

Eric Young Jr. – 2-for-4 as he hit leadoff.  Followed by Fowler, Helton, Tulo and CarGo.  Now that’s a lineup!

Jason Bay – Hit his first homer of the year.  Glad to see Metco can’t hold in his power.  Just severely limit it.

Carlos Santana – He might be up any day now.  At least within the next month.  As I told someone yesterday, look at Wieters’s stats last year.  Look at Wieters’s stats this year –> he has one home run, 6 Runs and 7 RBIs.  What are you hoping to get from Carlos Santana?  A lunch date with Rob Thomas?  If you’re hoping Carlos Santana saves your team, you have a lot bigger fish to fry.  I wouldn’t be surprised to see Carlos Santana get called up and do nothing productive until next July.  Oh, and Santana’s dealing with a knee injury.

Buster Posey – See 1/8 of an inch above.

Clay Buchholz – 8 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks and has a 2.19 ERA on the year.  See little reason why it can’t continue.  Could he be the Red Sox ace this year?  Without a shadow of a doubt.  It’s amazing to me the comments I still get asking if people should pick him up.  Are these one team leagues?  Own Buchholz before you give me an ulcer.

Brandon Wood – Yesterday, I mentioned that Wood has hit in three straight games.  Now it’s four as he went 3-for-4 with a homer.

Austin Kearns – 6 for his last 10 with two homers.  He won’t be good for the whole season, but right now Kearns has the juice.

Dioner Navarro – Suspended for two games for bumping an ump.  Navarro apologized saying the ump kept humming “Been Caught Stealing” and he just lost it.

Jarrod Saltalamacchia – All catchers, all the time on Razzball, huh?  Salty should be bacchia by the end of the week.  If you lost Iannetta, he’s another option I’d look at.

Max Ramirez – I swear, this is the last catcher for today.  If you want, skip down to the next blurb.  No?  Okay, but don’t pout.  That’s for guys who play fantasy golf.  Max Ramirez will actually be covered this afternoon by Stephen.  Coinkydink, huh?  Max Ramirez, who sounds like a Latino-Yiddish fusion chef, was the name bandied about for Mike Lowell this past offseason.  Ramirez has good power but the Rangers might just leave him as a backup to their backstop since his defense is poor.  It’s a sitch that’s worth watching.

Justin Smoak – 1-for-13 since his call up.  Someone needs to take Smoak aside and explain to him that when they wanted him to replace Chris Davis, they wanted his own interpretation not a facsimile.

Frank Francisco – 1 IP, 0 ER and his first save of the year.  “I take back what is mine.  Then I make love to your women,” said Frank-Frank as he entered from the bullpen.  Even money says Frank-Frank is the closer again-again.

Zack Greinke – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks as he was appropriately Greinke’d.

Randy Wolf – 8 IP, 2 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks and a no decision.  Hey, seems like old times.

Trevor Hoffman – 1 IP, 5 ER.  Ouch… Wait, what?  Oh.  Ouch.

Derek Lowe – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER.  It hurts me soul when I hear people own Lowe.

Ryan Ludwick – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer as he now bats .303 on the year.  I’ve seen worse 5th outfielders.  Hey, Nate McLousy, that’s you!

Jon Garland – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks.  I don’t buy it.  He’s still a hodgepadre.

Edwin Jackson – 2 1/3 IP, 10 ER.  But just think, if you had drafted him last year, he would’ve been good.

Cody Ross – Missed yesterday’s game with a nighttime, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy-head fever.  Maybe he’s allergic to the thought of losing his job to Mike Stanton.

Justin Verlander – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks.  It’s not May yet, but don’t tell Verlander.

Francisco Liriano – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks.  Three weeks ago, I traded Jenks for Liriano and Maybin.  ABtC –> Always Be trading Closers.

Justin Morneau – Left the game with a stiff back.  Might’ve been from trying to catch up with Verlander’s 100 MPH fastball.

Brian Roberts – Still hasn’t started any baseball activities.  No spitting, no ball scratching, no nothing.

Rhyne Hughes – 1-for-4, 1 Run and RBI.  Now has a hit in every game he’s appeared in, but he won’t face lefties, at least for now.

Jim Johnson – Trembley looks at his bullpen and gets the *pinkie to mouth* shakes.  He said the Orioles don’t have a closer.  Johnson’s just a guy who can’t pitch that has appeared in the ninth inning in the past.  Yesterday, Johnson appeared in the 8th.  Giving way for the one, the only…

Alfredo Simon – Yeah, I’m a save whore.  I’ll admit it.  I grabbed him in multiple leagues.  By the time I grabbed him in every league I could, he had two men on and was about to blow the save.  He escaped.  Barely.  During his almost blown save, Jim Palmer said, “I told Simon in spring training just throw to the mitt.  And wear Jockey underwear.”  I added the last part.  Simon’s stuff looked decent from what I saw, but his minor league numbers show a guy who barely has a 5 K/9.  Who throws 90+ MPH and only Ks 5 guys per 9?  The Orioles new closer, that’s who!

Rajai Davis – Sat out because of a slump so Pennington hit leadoff and went 4-for-5 with a homer.  Uh-oh.

Ben Sheets – 4 IP, 8 ER as your A’s got the Sheets.