If you happen to be a non-millennial reading this then you remember a time when # meant “Pound” and didn’t mean “Hashtag”.  If you are a millennial you’ve likely already skipped this intro and skimmed the rest of the picks.  After all, you’re entitled to win at DFS with minimal research and time invested.  The DFS sites owe it to you, just like your boss owes it to you to give you that raise despite the fact you don’t actually do any work all day.  We’ll be using the pound sign today to discuss how the O’s are going to # on Mat Latos this evening.  I’ve had issues with Latos for some time, I mean, what self-respecting Matt goes by Mat anyway?  This year though, the issues with Latos are greater than ever.  This guy has the nerve to masquerade as an ace with his sub 1 ERA and WHIP.  We here at Razzball aren’t fooled however.  We see the real numbers under those fraudulent ones and we are ready to pounce.  The 4.8 K/9 and 2.6 BB/9 tell the real story, as does his 3.56 FIP.  The regression fairies are just dying to pay Latos a visit, right after they finish cutting off all their jeans into shorts for the summer.  I, for one, want to be there when this correction happens, and not just for the cut off jean shorts.  Chris Davis will be heavily owned but if Pedro Alvarez finds his way into the lineup tonight, he might be an under the radar play that could pay handsome dividends.  The Orioles don’t have much else in the way of lefty batters however Mat Latos hasn’t really shown a dramatic platoon split in his career, so just load up on every O you can get your salary cap around and enjoy the #ing.

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well try out this 10 teamer of Razzball writers and friends to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It’s how we know you care! If you still feel helpless and lonely, be sure to subscribe to the DFSBot for your daily baseball plays.

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Yesterday, Buster Olney tweeted, “Kevin Gausman is pitching tonight probably exactly the way the Orioles hoped on the day they drafted him.  Dominant stuff.”  Putting aside the unnecessary “probably” — you’ll never win a Twitter Pulitzer with needless hooha! —  is this what the Orioles hoped for?  Because it’s felt at times like the Orioles were waiting for Gausman to say some sort of secret oath to let him into the rotation and, without Podrick to prompt him, he didn’t know said oath.  By the by, I can’t look at Brienne of Tarth and not see Conan O’Brien.  Perhaps, it’s me (it’s not).  If the Orioles wanted Gausman to pitch probably exactly like this, wouldn’t they have put him in the rotation and left him alone for the last *covers mouth* years?  Not to answer, but to knowingly nod while you undress your computer with your eyes.  Since I have shares in that facacta noodle-hanger Archer, I watched the better part of Gausman’s start, and he looked better than what the boxscore says, and the boxscore says, “Yum, choco-latte.”  It also says 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks in his first start back.  Gausman has the stuff to be a number one, but at worse a number two.  Not saying he will be this year; that’s just his stuff.  He probably exactly should be already, but probably exactly hasn’t been.  Still, I would grab him in any leagues where I needed upside.  A 8+ K/9, 2.7+ BB/9, 3.75 ERA starter is probably exactly what you’ll get.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

You ready to have your mind blown? Well, maybe it won’t blow your mind but I was searching and searching on a way to tell you in the title that Nick Tropeano was a play today and then I remembered Tropeano was an Italian name. Then I was like, ‘Mariners sounds like Marinara, let’s do some wiki’ing’ and guess what I found? Marinara is literally Italian for Mariner so Spaghetti Alla Marinara literally translates to ‘Spaghetti Mariner’s style’. Literally! I can totally see your face right now. You’re welcome for reading Wikipedia to you and for explaining a title that doesn’t sound like much of a joke on the surface but once I break it down for you, it’s, like, some high brow shizz! But now I’m officially done blowing things and ready to tell you why this play won’t suck…I’m not proud of that sentence, so I’ll just move along. The Mariners have scored a lot of runs on the road so far, having the 5th highest away wRC+ in the league in an albeit small sample size. However, all of those games have come in neutral to friendly parks, especially for lefties. Well, Angels stadium actually plays tougher than Safeco for offense and is particularly unkind to lefties so far. Tropeano isn’t a guy I’d throw out there in cash tonight but if you’re getting a lot of big bats in on what looks to be a run-heavy night, his $6,100 price tag will give you plenty of budget to do so. Now let’s get on with this slate. Here’s my mama mia hot taeks for this Friday DK slate…

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well try out this 10 teamer of Razzball writers and friends to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It’s how we know you care! If you still feel helpless and lonely, be sure to subscribe to the DFSBot for your daily baseball plays.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Bryan Price, always one for colorful language, should go full Tony Montana about his relievers, “Look at that, I got a junkie bullpen, mang.  My bullpen is so polluted!  I can’t even have a save with that bullpen.  It’s so polluted!”  After his Montana rant, Price could clarify who will save games in his bullpen through a string of curse words and em-effers.  Yesterday, Price said they’d go to a committee.  Great, maybe they can make a camel.  Hoover’s out, Jumbo’s gone because his physique reminded them too much of their ERA.  Caleb Cotham could see some saves, and he’s been good vs. minor leaguers, but he’s been honing his craft in the minor leagues for a while.  This isn’t like a potter who needs time to hone his ashtray-making skills before hitting the big-time flea markets.  Being in the minors long just means you might never achieve success in the majors.  Going for Cotham is that he throws righty and he hasn’t failed yet.  Then there’s Tony Cingrani, who I grabbed on Tuesday.  He has been decent enough in the bullpen this year, but he’s a lefty and he blew the save yesterday in the 8th inning.  Oh, and there’s Blake Wood, who is reminiscent of Jeanmar Gomez, and we know how well that turned out.  *intern whispers in my ear*  Seems that so far Jeanmar has worked out okay.  For now, I’d own Cingrani then Cotham, but this is nigh-thurr pretty nor set in stone.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Philly fans are often singled out for their rude, obnoxious behavior, but yesterday, as the Mets hit six home runs, the Philly fans were attempting to be on their best behavior.  Here’s a few of the more polite things heard, “Excuse me, sir, are you using the batteries in your portable radio?  I’d like to throw them at someone’s shoulder.  No, not their head.  That would be rude.”  Also heard, “I hate to waste a cheesesteak, but I’d like to vomit on an unsuspecting Mets fan.”  “Jimmy, no, vomit on a suspecting Mets fan.”  “Yeah, you’re right, Marge.”  Finally, “These Mets are fun to watch, I get to try out new curse words — screw you, nut sock!”  Then, with a pleased smile, “See, it’s like sack, but sock.  Catchy, no?”  Philly fans had all kinds of reasons to be annoyed yesterday as the Mets did damage.  Yoenis Cespedes hit his 4th homer (1-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs).  Driving to the park in a limited edition car made of guano and Play-Doh must be his good luck charm!  Michael Conforto hit his 2nd homer (2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs) as he hit third until he was pinch hit for against a lefty later in the game.  I get that Conforto’s a lefty and it’s a matchup thing, but there’s gotta be some kind of unspoken rule.  The guy you bat third in your lineup is not a platoon player.  That’s Connie Mack to Earl Weaver to Coach Taylor rock solid coach stuff.  You don’t pinch hit your three hole hitter!  Then Neil Walker hit his 5th and 6th homers (2-for-5), with two homers in the past two days, and, honestly, truthfully, interruptingly, when you have six homers in 13 games, there weren’t a whole lot of games where you didn’t homer.   Finally, Lucas Duda hit his 2nd homer (1-for-5, 2 RBIs), and 2nd in as many days.  The Phillies starters really aren’t that bad.  Dot dot dot.  Compared to their relievers.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

You know, it’s been a rough week for Astros stud Carlos Correa. He’s batting .227 over his last seven games and hasn’t hit a home run since April 6. On top of that, he’s only making $516,700. Former elite shortstop and now DH for the Yankees, Alex Rodriguez, is making $21 million this season. Talk about income inequality. Anyway, when it’s all said and done, Correa has a real chance to earn more over the length of his career than A-Rod. He’s not just an up-and-coming player, he’s a total stud. Sometimes a day of rest is all you need to snap out of a funk. Correa got that rest on Sunday and now he’s ready to get back to business against a guy with the worst mustache in Texas, Derek Holland, who he just so happens to be 4-for-5 lifetime against with two homers. Can you taste that cheddar? Take advantage of Correa’s reasonable price tag like you take advantage of an open bar at your cousin’s wedding. The drought is over–everyone is drinking tonight.

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well try out this 10 teamer of Razzball writers and friends to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It’s how we know you care! If you still feel helpless and lonely, be sure to subscribe to the DFSBot for your daily baseball plays.

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The Tyler White hot fire stayed lit last night with his third multi-hit game in a row, going 3-for-4 with 2-run home run. His second jack this year and brings his average to .692 with 7 RBI. Who is Tyler White, you ask? And why should you care, you say? Why am I talking about an Astros rookie first baseman not named A.J. Reed? Geez, bruh, what’s with the attitude, this is my first week back and I’m just trying to help. The 33rd round pick slashed a real nice .325/.442/.496 with 25 doubles, 14 homers and 99 RBI between AA and AAA in 2015. Ty also slashed .366/.460/.585 with 2 homers this spring. So none of this is completely out of no where. And it’s not like we’re talking about Trevor Story here. Now that I think of it, I probably should have written this blurb about him. What a Story! Oh man, perfect headline, too. Think of the all the delicious clicks I’d get. Oh well, Tyler White Hawt will surely cool down but until that time let’s have some fun with early season stats. Doode is slugging 1.308, with a .875 BABIP and a 2.022 OPS! Uh, that will help your fantasy team! Inflated saber metrics aside, White’s available in about 80% of ESPN leagues, Grey told you to BUY and he’s certainly worth a look while he’s hitting all the baseballs.

Here’s what else I saw in fantasy baseball Friday night:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Mad Max Fury Road was a wildly loud, hard, smoking fastball that has everything in common with our Heterochromia Max that will be starting today against the Atlanta not so Braves. Opening Day? Check. Nitromethane? Check. Mad Max? Check. Fire? Check. Blood? Ehh, possibly. I know J-Foh and I have some Nitro on tap, but if you’re only 3 for 5 don’t worry it’s baseball. You’re hitting .600 like Polanco through the first game of the season and it’s OPENING DAY! Welcome Razzballers to the first (technically the second) 2016 Draftkings Post!! There’s not going to be a ton of analytics today because ummm, it’s the first day of the season, but I do have a few tricks up my sleeve that should pay off for you. “You’ve got the best crew in the world standing in front of you, give them a reason to stay” Vin Diesel, Fast & Furious 6. I’m sure you’re asking yourself right now, “Why is he quoting a Fast & Furious movie?” Guilty pleasure, fo sho, but more importantly it’s a disclaimer to you, our DK readers. Sky (the DFS mastermind behind the scenes) has put together an unbelievable All-Star team of daily experts that are going to spend EVERY DAY of the season throwing down some moneymaking knowledge on yo asses. Sharpen your pencils or iPads and lets get to work. We’re going to make it real simple for you, whether you’re a first timer or a seasoned veteran. Read our analysis EVERY DAY, set your team and take everyone else’s money. Sound Good? Great, Let’s get started.

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well try out this 25 teamer of Razzball writers and friends to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It’s how we know you care! If you still feel helpless and lonely, be sure to subscribe to the DFSBot for your daily baseball plays.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

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Welcome to the 2016 Razzball Team Previews! You’ll find everything you need to know about each team to get yourself ready for the upcoming fantasy baseball season. And I mean everything, folks. We’ve got line-ups, charts, Slurpees, lube, a guide for beginner electricians, and even a cactus! Well, that’s a lie. That’s what Jay had last year sitting in front of him. This year? Um…a little less lube? Take that as you will. But hey, we’ve got teams to preview and questions to ask, so let’s hop to it. We a very special guest for this post…Wick Terrell, to provide his take on what the team has in store this season. Now enough rambling, let’s see what 2016 holds for the Cincinnati Reds!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Greetings! Wow, my first fantasy draft of the year and the Academy Awards, all in one night! What a time to be alive! I’d like to imagine being there congratulating Leo, as I feel a certain kinship with him, as I, like him, have never been fully appreciated for my talent. I’ve never won any awards and am more well-known for my countless female actress/model take-downs. So what if my catches are extras and his are A-listers? “P is P, Dog!” Haha, have you ever know someone who uttered that phrase? What an embarrassment to life. If this is you, give your life to me and the Elder Gods, and we will do what we can to revitalize any hope you have of being a respectable human being. Anyway, I won’t be winning many awards for this past Sunday’s draft, for I was in the middle of a threesome with Christian Slater’s nephew and Lena Dunham, but as always, I will compete to a grizzly, disgusting, death if that is my fate.

I know I need to put out these position groups out faster than the Kardashian sisters at a Nickelodeon Teen’s choice awards after-party, so with all of our drafts are approaching, sit back, put your feet up, unzip your pants, and enjoy the show!

I am Tehol Beddict and this is Disgrace/Delight. TAKE HEED!

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Please, blog, may I have some more?