Fantasy Baseball Advice

Wilson Betemit collided with Albert Pujols and… Why is Wilson Betemit playing?!  He never plays.  Doesn’t your Quad-A Beer Pong Tournament partner, Shelley Duncan, need you for a tourney?  Manzo!  (Which is my new favorite exclamation that means nothing.)  Another tough break (strain?) for a high draft pick.  You high draft picks remind me of my shoe closet — I got one penny and a bunch of loafers!  (Thanks, Lil Penny.)  Pujols supposedly only has a sprained wrist, but will be reevaluated on Monday.  If it’s any more serious than a strain, I suggest Betemit enter the Witness Protection Program.  Your deity of choice willing Pujols will be back on the field in a day or two.  Luckily, Pujols has severed elbow tendons in the past and only missed one game.  Manzo!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Lance Berkman – Didn’t start on Sunday because his back and leg were “barking.”  Sounds like someone has figured out how to appeal to La Russa’s PETA leniencies.

Carl Crawford – Heads to the 15 day DL with a hamstring injury.  Manzo!  Crawford is now starring in “Hammy Dearest.”  Maybe J.D. Drew got in Crawford’s ear.  Drew, “Do you know they pay you the same amount whether you play all the games or take 30 of them off? Muahahahaha…Hey, you gonna finish that kale smoothie?”  The Sawx will turn to McDonald, Cameron and Reddick, which is enough to remove the pleats from Dan Shaughnessy’s dockers.  The good news, if there is any good news — why must there always be bad news first?  Why?! — the hamstring strain isn’t serious and Carl should be flapping his gums back on the field with the minimum time missed.

Brian Matusz – Left his start on Saturday with cramps.  Must be that time of the month.

Francisco Liriano – 7 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Of course you want slightly better vs. the Padres in the Hubert H. Homerfree Retrodome, but 8 Ks vs. 2 walks tells me he’s still headed in the right direction.

Aaron Hill – 1-for-4 with his 2nd home run this week.  I’ll bestow on you a very lukewarm “Go ahead and pick him up if he’s on waivers, but I don’t think any major corner has been turned.”  And that’s me bestowing on you!

Carlos Villanueva – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Chuck Newtown has a 3.17 ERA on the year, but that’s being buoyed by a solid run in middle relief earlier in the year.  As a starter, he’s been just a’ight, which is less than a’ight and way off from a’ight a’ight.  AL-Only leagues is about the only place I could see adding him for right now.

Bronson Arroyo – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Guess what time it is, ya’ll?!  No, not 8:28 AM.  I mean, it might be, but that’s not what I meant.  It’s time to add Arroyo to your teams.  In the last three years, his post-All-Star Break ERA is 3.09.  Yup.

Brandon Lyon – To undergo season-ending surgery.  If I said I was sad, I’d be Lyon.  And, as we learned from Semisonic, every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end, so Melancon will take over the closer job.  It’s closing time… BTW, if you’re at a bar where they play that at the end of the night, find a new place.  However, if your girl suggested the bar, then consider yourself lucky, you got a good one.

Hunter Pence – Missed Saturday and Sunday’s games because of a sprained elbow.  Sounds like he should be okay.  Let’s hope so because I need him for my teams and I’m sure that’s his biggest concern right now.

Bud Norris – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Noob Hint Alert!  If a guy has more strikeouts than innings, he’s good.  When the pitcher is doing that and has a 3.26 ERA, he’s very good.

Ty Wigginton – 1-for-3 with a home run.  When Wigginton hits one home run, what’s his over/under for homers for the week?  I feel people in H2H leagues might want to know this.  3 homers this week?  4?

Wily Mo Peña – After hitting 21 home runs in something like 18 games in Triple-A, he’s getting called up this week to play DH.  That’s the good news.  Bad news is he’s not yet in Yahoo and by the time he’s added he may no longer be playing in the majors.

Vernon Wells – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 7th home run.  He hit two home runs earlier this week, then everyone and my mother came out of the woodwork and said he’s a buy then he went 2-for-16 over his next 4 games then, to continue this run-on sentence, he hit a homer yesterday.  At this point, you throw him in the pile of Carlos Lee, Carlos Beltran and Chipper Jones.  There will be times of decent fantasy value but don’t field the entire 2003 All-Star team.

Tyler Chatwood – 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Besides having a last name that sounds like it would open up seven pop-up windows on your browser, he has way too many walks.  Don’t bother with him, not worth the ulcer.

Brandon Belt – Had the cast removed from his left wrist.  Inside, he found a metal hanger, a remote control and a coat check receipt.

Alex Rios – 1-for-4 with homers in back-to-back games.  People kept asking in the comments if Rios would ever turn it around.  Looks like he’s providing an answer.

Mike Stanton – Missed Saturday and Sunday’s game with an eye infection.  My guess is Hanley farted on his pillow.

Chris Volstad – 7 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks.  I highlighted him in the post the other day about pitchers who should be better.  And he was better yesterday.  See how that works?

Roger Bernadina – 3-for-4 with his 3rd home run in the last four games.  The one game he didn’t go deep, he stole a base.  In the last week, he’s hitting over .405, it’s Bernadina Bounty!  He’s owned in less than 2% of all ESPN leagues.  Sure, 95% of ESPN leagues are abandoned already, but it’s still too low.  In 39 games, he has 4 homers and 10 steals.  Over the course of the season, that’s better than that other guy you own.  And him too.

Danny Espinosa – This weekend, 2 steals and a home run.  Whatever, you don’t need that.

Clay Buchholz – To the DL with a lower back strain.  Geez, lots of injuries this weekend.  Reminds me of the time in 3rd grade when Little Joey Stanicky came to school with lice and knocked out half of our class with the head bugs.

Jair Jurrjens – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. Alexi Ogando (5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks) in a battle of the seemingly stoppable force meets an immovable xFIP, illustrating the Irresistible Sell High Paradox.

Hong-Chih Kuo – With his anxiety disorder at bay, he was activated from the DL.  You think the Dodgers are gonna put him in a tie game in the ninth inning?  Scully, “Kuo’s first pitch is a ball.  Looks like he’s pulling a samurai sword out… The first samurai sword was used in the 13th century.  Its popularity was fueled by the rise of close-combat warfare.  Wow, and there goes Loney’s head… Did you know some animals can survive decapitation?   A cockroach, for instance.  Guess we can safely say Loney is not a cockroach.”

Javy Guerra – The last time the Dodgers had a closer, Kuo saw a pile of baby powder and thought it was Broxton dehydrated like in the original Batman movie.  Hopefully things work out better this time.  Three ladies and gentlemen, Guerra recorded a save!

Jesus Guzman – 1-for-4, utility man who sounds like a character actor was called up by the Padres and started over Rizzo vs. a lefty. (Liriano, “I have a name.”)  Hopefully, the Padres don’t sit Rizzo vs. many lefties cause that could hurt his value.

Alcides Escobar – 2-for-3 with a home run.  Prior to that, 5 steals in 6 games.  Potatoes to chips, he could steal 40 bases.

Casey McGehee – 1-for-3, not much to say here other than to say there hasn’t been much to say all year with McGehee.  Last year doesn’t look as fluky as this year is making it look.  I think he will turn things around a bit, but he’s not giving you anything besides some occasional power, so if he’s a .260 hitter with 15 home runs, it’s really not that great anyway.

Shaun Marcum – Left Friday’s start with hip inflammation.  He was throwing butter with the ‘er’ up until this point in the season, so hopefully this isn’t that big of a setback.  If you want, touch your computer screen with your hand and we’ll hold hands hoping Marcum can bounce back quick… Did you just put your nuts on the screen hoping I’d hold them?  So juvenile.

Derek Jeter left yesterday’s game with a Grade 1 strain of his calf as reported by ESPN, ESPN 2, ESPN News, ESPN U., ESPN Deportes and on the ticker at the bottom of the screen while they aired Mr. 3000 on ABC.  Yes, I’m just as bad for even talking about it.  Hey, pot, what’s up?  Kettle, here.  You black?  Whatever, it was a slow day yesterday in fantasy baseball — shoot, Justin Ruggiano was almost the lead.  Member a few years ago when people were talking about how Jeter could get to 4,000 hits?  I’d be surprised now to see him get to 3,400.  Dorian Gray paint is starting to fade.  You read me?  Yeah, you do.  My guess is Jeter will avoid the DL and make us endure more 3,000 hit talk after he rests his veal for a few days.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Russell Martin – Scratched with back stiffness.  See, I’m usually scratched with back itchiness.

Carlos Carrasco – 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks.  If you started him in The House They Built Next To The House That Ruth Built, you deserved this win.  Crazy thing is, Carrasco’s pitching better than his ERA is showing, but, outside of this game, the Ks have been pretty pedestrian.  You ride the lightning in AL-Only leagues; I’d avoid still in mixed leagues.

Justin Ruggiano – 2-for-3 and hitting near .500 in the last week.  Sam Fuld handed off his magic beans to a new past-prime prospect.  So is this on par, ma, for Ruggiano?  Will he melt under the hot lights?  Or will he be solid enough to great?  In Triple-A, Ruggiano had back-to-back years of 15 homers and 23+ steals.  The problem with anyone who’s seeing their first look in the bigs in three years when they’re 29 years old is why.  While why is a question that self help gurus teach to help you keep a conservation going, I don’t particularly want to talk about Ruggiano all that much more.  He’s currently hitting enough to pick up in all leagues, but I don’t think he’s going to keep it going.

Alex Cobb – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks.  This was a better-than-decent start, but right now it looks like Cobb’s headed to the minors after one more start.  Gary Glitter, “That don’t sound bad at all!”

Brandon Lyon – 1 IP, 3 ER.  Now has 8 earned runs since he returned.  Hey, he looks like his old self!  If someone prematurely dropped Melancon from their team, I’d go ahead and make the grab.

Wandy Rodriguez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  The Wandwagon returned from the DL and got immediately back on the right track.

Brett Anderson – Set to rehab for six weeks but will be reevaluated in three weeks. So that puts his next setback around two weeks away.

Ricky Nolasco – 3 IP, 5 ER, 12 baserunners, 3 Ks and he was pitchslapped by Zach Duke (who took a couple of right crosses too).  I said I wouldn’t touch Nolasco in any league this preseason and I didn’t.  He now sits at a 4.23 ERA and he always seems to push that over 5.  Amazing how much good will he got from one solid year out of five.

Justin Morneau – Time for a daily check-in on this sad robot.  “Tears make me rust!”  That’s Morneau.  He just had an MRI on his wrist.  The Vottomatic comes with titanium wrist joints.  Why’s Morneau having his wrist checked?  He needs to have his head checked.  He probably needs a new operating system.  On Morneau’s player card it says POS:  1B.  The POS is right.

Vicente Padilla – Will miss an extended period of time with neck surgery.  It doesn’t look like he has a neck in this picture of Padilla.

Paul Maholm – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Now has a 3.12 ERA, 1.14 WHIP and not the greatest Ks.  You say to me, “Hey, Grey sweet ‘stache, it’s like you have three eyebrows.  Pregunta:  Should I pick up Maholm?”  His ERA will end close to 4 and he has no Ks.  I own him in one H2H league but wouldn’t touch him in most roto leagues.  In H2H, the inevitable terrible start, which is coming, is erased in a week, but in roto you gotta live with your decisions a lot longer.  Wow, I sound like a guidance counselor.

Hunter Pence – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 9th home run.  Now has a 23-game hitting streak.  Or 23 more games than Morneau.

Randy Wolf – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Wolf’s coming in this afternoon’s post about pitchers who are getting lucky, but he was also in the same post last month, so what the FIP do I know?

Jordan Schafer – 2-for-5 with his first home run.  In the past week, he has 6 steals.  He’s an intriguing name in deep leagues.  Just don’t jump out the window until you see how real the fire is.

Vernon Wells – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and 2 homers.  As frequent commenter, Terrance Mann, said, “Projections on any significant HRs the rest of the year from HGH Wells are pure science fiction.”

Anthony Bass – 5 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners (4 BBs), 1 K.  Outside of NL-Only leagues, I wouldn’t touch him yet.  Like Juba’s pizza dough on The Next Food Network Star, he’s too raw.

Charlie Blackmon – 2-for-4 and now has 3 steals in the last three games.  Maybe when he’s in the tunnel to the stadium, Eric Youg Jr. hands him a Pepsi.

Manny Ramirez – The Dodgers owe him $8.3 million in deferred payments.  In related news, the Dodger Dog prices were raised to $17,000 per hot dog.

The questions have started about Heath Bell getting traded.  I think there’s a good chance it happens.  Well, Hair Lip, there goes his value! Not so fast, random italicized voice.  I guess you have all the answers! Actually, I have questions.  What if he’s traded to the Cards or Angels?  What if Huston Street gets hurt and the Rockies grab Bell?  What if the Mariners gain a few games on the Rangers and become buyers?  What if your boss replaces you with a coyote that was raised by humans and can flip burgers better than you?  Do you see what I’m saying here?  Don’t sell Bell short because of trade rumors.  Lots of things can happen. Anyway, here’s all of the closers for your fantasy baseball team, as of right now:

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.

1. Carlos Marmol (+1) (Kerry Wood, Sean Marshall)
2. Jonathan Papelbon (+2) (Daniel Bard)
3. Heath Bell (-2) (Mike Adams, Luke Gregerson, Chad Qualls)
4. Mariano Rivera (-1) (Joba Chamberlain, David Robertson)

Donkeycorns

Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns.

5. Jose Valverde (Joaquin Benoit, Al Alburquerque)
6. Craig Kimbrel (+1) (Jonny Venters, George Sherrill)
7. J.J. Putz (+1) (David Hernandez, Juan Gutierrez)
8. Francisco Rodriguez (+1) (Jason Isringhausen, Bobby Parnell)
9. Chris Perez (+1) (Tony Sipp, Chad Durbin, Rafael Perez)
10. Huston Street (+1) (Matt Lindstrom, Rafael Betancourt)
11. Brian Wilson (Sergio Romo, Jeremy Affeldt)
12. Francisco Cordero (+1) (Nick Masset)
13. John Axford (+1) (Kameron Loe)
14. Leo Nunez (+1) (Clay Hensley, Edward Mujica)
15. Joel Hanrahan (+1) (Jose Veras, Evan Meek)
16. Kyle Farnsworth (+5) (Joel Peralta, J.P.Howell)
17. Drew Storen (Tyler Clippard, Sean Burnett)
18. Ryan Madson (+10) (Jose Contreras, Antonio Bastardo, Brad Lidge)
19. Sergio Santos (+9) (Chris Sale, Jesse Crain, Matt Thornton)

Brain Freeze

I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Kevin Gregg– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Brian Roberts in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.

20. Neftali Feliz (+10) (Darren Oliver, Arthur Rhodes)
21. Jordan Walden (-3) (Fernando Rodney, Scott Downs)
22. Fernando Salas (+4) (Eduardo Sanchez, Jason Motte, Ryan Franklin)
23. Andrew Bailey (+1) (Brian Fuentes, Grant Balfour)
24. Mark Melancon (-4) (Wilton Lopez, Brandon Lyon)
25. Kevin Gregg (-3) (Koji Uehara, Mike Gonzalez)
26. Brandon League (-3) (Jamey Wright, David Aardsma)
27. Matt Capps (-3) (Jose Mijares, Alex Burnett, Joe Nathan)
28. Frank Francisco/Jon Rauch/Octavio Dotel (-3) (Jason Frasor)
29. Matt Guerrier/Javy Guerra/Rubby de la Rosa (-2) (Jonathan Broxton, Hong-Chih Kuo)
30. Aaron Crow (-25) (Joakim Soria, The Winner of a Radio Call-In Contest)

Later, Hawai’ian.  Hello, Eric Hosmer.   Or as Hosmer might say, “W’oh!”  In Triple-A this year, Hosmer had 3 homers and 3 steals in 98 ABs.  Year before, 20 homers, 14 steals between Double-A and High-A.  Bye, A!  The average has been great too.  He looks like Votto to me.  To take that comparison past the point where it’s still making sense, Votto had 24 homers, 7 steals and a .297 average his first full year.  He was 24 though, Hosmer is 21 — I’ll pinch your cheeks you’re so young, you!  If Hosmer hits 24 homers with a .297 average this year, I’ll shave my ‘stache, glue it to the middle of my forehead and tattoo lips below it.  He’s just a bit too raw.  Doesn’t mean I wouldn’t own him everywhere.  You take the rookie flyer because if it pans out the trade value inflates like Butler’s moobs after he drinks a quart of milk.  Conservatively, I’ll give Hosmer 17 homers, 6 steals and .280.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Brandon Lyon – Lyon was the lead until Hosmer got the call.  Rudy came up with titles and everything, so you get a bonus lead-in today.  Discarded titles were, “Lyon Sent To Vet,” “Lyon Caged, Astro Fans Rejoice,” and, “Astros Stop Lyon To Themselves.” Lyon has a torn rotator cuff.  They should get the doctor that made Lee Majors bionic cause Lyon needs all the help he can get.  Mark Melancon is the man to own in Houston, though the word out of the 5th ward is Ed Wade’s Toupee is trying to lose every game the rest of the season, or at least his GM’ing makes it seem that way.  Seriously, he can’t even pick out a decent toupee and he’s going to GM a major league team?  He looks like a Computer Science teacher who’s still teaching BASIC.  Melancon isn’t the meow’s cat or anything.  His fastball is kinda whatever, but he gets some Ks, groundballs and Lyon is out.  I’d own Melancon everywhere, he could run with the job all year.

Melky Cabrera – Hit his third homer to put the pressure on Justin Morneau to keep pace.

Josh Johnson – 7 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 12 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Was clotheslined today by his manager after leaving Johnson in until he gave up a 3-2 lead.  Michael Dunn proceeded to make it a Hart Attack by letting two inherited runners come in on a Berkman HR.

Eduardo Sanchez – Got the save.  He’s the closer!  Maybe!  He might have the job until he blows it.  Or not!  He’s worth owning for the off chance La Russa has made up his feathered-hair covered mind.  “Look at my hair!  It falls naturally like the feather in Forrest Gump.”  Whatever, La Russa.

Albert Pujols – 3-for-3 as Nick Punto played 2nd base.  See, Punto was playing today and not able to don Pujols’ jersey and take an 0-for-4.  I’m the monkey-fightin’ Oliver Stone of fantasy baseball ‘perts!

David Price – 8 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks.  Maybe he knew what he was talking about in not knowing what I was talking about.

Brennan Boesch – 2-for-3 with his 2nd homer.  Or a Boesch & Bomb.  Bee tee dubya, 2 homers after over a month isn’t great.

Jose Valverde – 1 IP, 1 ER.  Give Al Alburquerque a chance!  Santa K, New Mexiclosero!

Brett Myers – 5 2/3 IP, 6 ER, 12 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Not to toot my own horn — though if I could I’d never leave my house — but I never bought into Myers’ early success.  Take that, snitches!

Jason Bourgeois – 2 steals.  Holy SAGNOF, Batman!  He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell.  You can hardly wait.  No, you!

Homer Bailey – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Astros.  Was a pretty easy matchup, but I guess it’s safe to get him back in your lineups.  To be honest, I’ve sorta lost my patience with Bailey and won’t be adding him anywhere, which, of course, means he’ll be terrific.  It’s reverse psyching-out-yourself psychology.  Or maybe it’s confirmation bias.  Or maybe I should’ve paid attention in Psych 101.

Jay Bruce – 3-for-4, 3 Runs and his 6th homer.  I’m not lucky, I’m Bruce’d.  Yes.

Brandon Beachy – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks.  I’d say he’s going to be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell but if you haven’t picked him up by now, you lose.  If you don’t trust me, look at his K/9 and K/BB.

Shaun Marcum – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Member in the preseason when I made my off-the-wall prediction that Marcum would start the All-Star game?  His ERA is 2.06.  Cust kayin’.

Raul Ibanez – 3-for-4 with his 2nd home run in two games.  Super hard to get excited about this schmohawk, but he is currently hitting.  Hot schmotato’s come in all forms, ya’ll.

Ryan Sweeney – 5-for-6, 2 RBIs.  Sweeney wins the coveted prize of “I have absolutely nothing to say about him either positively or negatively.”  Show him what he wins!  A brand new 2011 Ellipsis! …

Shin-Soo Choo – 0-for-5, hitting .226 on the year.  Is he still drunk?

Peter Bourjos – 3-for-4, 4 Runs as he achieved the rare golden runbrero.

Mark Trumbo – Hit his third homer in his last four games.  Too bad the Sciosciapath only plays him four times a week.

Erick Aybar – 4-for-6, 2 steals.  Obviously just the sight of Varitek in the dugout gets opposing baserunners excited.

John Lackey – 4 IP, 8 ER.  Angels treated their old teammate like an inmate riot treats a cruel guard.  Shiv!  Shiv!  Shiv!

Jonathan Broxton – Has a bone spur on his elbow and is likely headed to the DL.  Don’t take my word for it.  Here’s what Broxton had to say, “I’m fat.”  Alrighty then!  I’d own Kuo, Padilla and Jansen in deep leagues.

Mike Pelfrey – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Whatever, wouldn’t trust him, need to get dressed to go celebrate my Chicano brothers with tequila, moving on.

Eric Chavez – Has a broken foot.  So I ask you, Eric Chavez wants to tandem skydive with you, do you agree?  If you do agree, do you make sure your Last Will and Testament is in good order?

Jonathan Sanchez – 5 IP, 5 ER, 11 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Bochy said Sanchez is “drifting mentally.”  Bochy became concerned when Sanchez started playing his Nintendo DS during a 3-1 count.

Jonathan Broxton is out with elbow pain.  Andre Ethier is out with an inflammed elbow.  Since Casey Blake has a staph infection in his elbow, him, Broxton and Ethier must’ve rubbed elbows.  It’s an idiomatic joke!  Dodgers Fever.  Take some penicillin!  If this elbow thing was being passed around the Dodger clubhouse any quicker….Alyssa Milano would get royalties!  Ah, you knew that was coming.  That’s what Alyssa said!  With regards to junk-in-his-trunk Broxton, I’d grab Padilla then Kuo.  I think both should be rostered in every league for right now.  Wouldn’t be surprised if this week it’s Padilla then Kuo takes over for two months.  In deep leagues, I’d even grab Kenley.  He should be back shortly.  As for Andre the non-Giant, he should be fine, but he’s been known to take a 15-day stint at a Beverly spa now and again.  BTW, yesterday, Jay Gibbons hit 3rd.  He can’t even see!  The Dodgers first three hitters were Gwynn Jr., Aaron Miles and Gibbons.  I’d rather have Cincy’s Triple-AAA lineup with Sappelt, Frazier, Alonso and Mesoraco.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Ted Lilly – 6 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Now at a 4.93 ERA on the year.  Just as I drew it up when I drafted him to be my not-so-flashy-but-solid contributor to my fantasy teams.  Maybe I spent too much time breathing in the air in Port-a-Johns when I was younger, but I think Lilly’s still gonna end the season with a 3.70 ERA.

Ben Revere – Ben Revere is coming, Ben Revere is coming!  Ben Revere sounds like Affleck’s alias when he checks into hotels.  “When Matt Saugus shows up, send him up to my room.”  That’s Affleck talking to the front desk manager.  Revere is SAGNOF!  He had 7 steals in only 23 games this year in Triple-A and 36 steals last year in 94 games at Double-A, or as Lohan calls it AA.  The prizzoblem is Delmon’s due back soon and Revere might not have a place to play, so the Twins could make like Kendrys, add an S and put Revere into reverse.  In AL-Only leagues, obviously you still need to take the flyer right now.  If Revere starts hitting, the Twins could sneak him into their lineup even with Young and Nishioka returning.  Casilla is obviously ripe for a benching.  Ca see ya!  In most mixed leagues, I’d let it play out for a few to see Revere’s playing time.

Alex Rios – 3-for-4 with his 2nd homer in three days.  The buy low window is shut.

Orlando Hudson – To the DL.  Shocker!  It’s like having money on the 6 and 8 with a hot roller.  It’s gonna hit eventually.

Eric Patterson – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer.  Should get 2nd base eligibility with O-Dog O-ut.  Right now, we own Patterson in an NL-Only league.  The power isn’t for real, but for a short shot of SAGNOF, I could see adding him in mixed leagues.

Brad Hawpe – 2-for-3 with his first home run.  Now one off the pace being set by Eric Patterson.  Because I don’t own Hawpe anywhere, I honestly didn’t know how bad he’s been.  A .183 average and one homer.  What hitters would sign with the Padres?  They really need to move the fences in front of the Randy Jones and Nate Colbert statues.

Aneury Rodriguez – 5 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 3 Ks.  He’s got a live arm.  I like him and I’m not just saying that cause I actually own him.  Well, maybe a little.  Has a decent K-rate and a terrible walk rate on a terrible team which limits him to NL-Only leagues for now.  Maybe a streamer in mixed H2H leagues, but you need to be slightly desperate.

Brandon Lyon – 0 IP, 3 ER.  When he comes in for a save and you own him, it’s likely the worst news you hear all day.  If I felt differently, I’d be Lyon.

Mark Melancon – Worth a speculative add in case the naked pictures Lyon has of Ed Wade’s Toupee are burned and he’s finally replaced.

Travis Wood – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks.  I really hope he’s not bumped from the rotation because he should be even better than he was yesterday, which wasn’t bad.

Carlos Pena – 2 homers, 2 days.  Member when Lind started hitting homers last week and I said how I hate to drop guys like him and Pena because when they get hot, they hit 5 homers in the matter of days and it was like they were never slumping?  Yeah, Pena’s now hot.

Marlon Byrd – Out of the three hole, he hit a three run homer while batting .290 on the year.  Yet, he still only has 8 RBIs on the year.  That’s enough to make Tim Kurkjian’s voice crack.

Allen Craig – When Freese went down, La Russa said the 3rd base job would be shared by Descalso and Punto, so, of course, La Russa has done nothing but play Allen Craig.  *shakes fist, accidentally bangs funny bone, shakes entire arm*  Craig has a decent bat if he plays every day.  He could hit 12-14 homers, steal 10 bases and have a .280ish average in a few months time.  It’s also worth noting La Russa could bench him for Punto at any point for no apparent reason.

Pedro Alvarez – I don’t want to think he didn’t play yesterday, instead I like to think he walked 4 times.  Cause that’s our relationship, he sucks and I lie to myself about it.  Alvarez, I’d catch a grenade for you.  You bastard!

Tommy Hanson – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks.  I loved Hommy Tanson in the preseason, not sure why I don’t have him on any team.  “Such has been my fantasy life so far,”  Grey said as he wiped away a single tear a’la a Native American watching someone litter.

Tim Hudson – 9 IP, 2 baserunners (1 hit), 6 Ks.  The Brewers are a solid lineup to be one hit.  Maybe they caught Braddock’s sleep disorder.

Clayton Richard – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks and 6 unearned runs.  That ticker shock was actually a relief.  Hay-zeus Chreesto, I thought he really gave up 7 runs.

Max Scherzer – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Schweet, schweet Scherzer.

Al Alburquerque – 1 IP, 2 Ks.  You know where Al Alburquerque is from?  Santa K.

Adam Lind – 4-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer.  To think you wanted to drop him less than two weeks ago, for shame.

Brandon Morrow – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks.  He’s a bit of a WHIPping post nightmare, but his Ks are delicious.

Frank Francisco – 1 IP, 1 ER and the save.  A day after Rauch got a neck tattoo that read, “BS,” Frank² came on and did a pretty mediocre job of proving his worth.  I imagine it’s still a time share.

David Freese – After his successful surgery, Freese said, “”They put the bones back together, put a plate over it, and then put five little screws in there.”   Sounds like he had the surgery done at Ikea.

Tim Lincecum – 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 12 Ks in Metco.  Mets should’ve dressed Mr. Met up in a toga so he’d look like a giant doobie.

John Axford – 1 IP, 2 ER.  Kazaam!

Zack Greinke – 4 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks.  He’s not returning from an arm injury, so I’m chalking this up as rust.

Vance Worley – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks.  It’s one thing when you’re looking bad compared to Halladay, Oswalt and Hamels, but can’t Joe Blanton catch a break to collect his self-esteem?

Joel Zumaya – Will undergo exploratory elbow surgery.  Which means they will shrink Rick Moranis and send him in to check it out.