Fantasy Baseball Advice

It’s good to be past the trading deadline.  The closers that kept their job feel woobie-safe.  Pull down the Murphy bed, Qualls is here to stay! You might be right, random italicized voice.  Don’t forget, closers still find a way to lose their job.  In the past week, Downs is down, Jenks looks jenky, Frank-Frank is a baby sneeze away from another stint on the DL, I fully expect Lindstrom to get back in the closer picture within two weeks and Nathan seems about as safe as they come and yet, he’s still just a closer.  Look at the ground with your forward facing eyes and put some drops in the eyes in the back of your head.  In other words, don’t settle in.  Sleep is the cousin of death.  Anyway, here’s all of the closers for your fantasy baseball team, as of right now:

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.

1. Joe Nathan (+1) (Matt Guerrier, Jose Mijares)
2. Jonathan Papelbon (+2) (Takashi Saito, Hideki Okajima, Manny Delcarmen)
3. Francisco Rodriguez (-1) (Pedro Feliciano, Bobby Parnell)
4. Mariano Rivera (+2) (Phil Hughes)
5. Jonathan Broxton (-4) (Ramon Troncoso, George Sherrill)

Donkey-corns

Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkey-corns.

6. Heath Bell (-1) (Luke Gregerson, Mike Adams)
7. Joakim Soria (+14) (Juan Cruz, Jamey Wright)
8. Francisco Cordero (David Weathers, Arthur Rhodes, Nick Masset)
9. Jose Valverde (+11) (Chris Sampson, Alberto Arias, LaTroy Hawkins)
10. Ryan Franklin (Jason Motte, Kyle McClellan, Dennys Reyes)
11. Huston Street (+2) (Rafael Betancourt, Matt Daley)
12. David Aardsma (Sean White, Mark Lowe)
13. Brian Wilson (Jeremy Affeldt, Bob Howry)
14. Trevor Hoffman (+9) (Todd Coffey, Mitch Stetter)
15. Kevin Gregg (Carlos Marmol)
16. Fernando Rodney (Bobby Seay, Brandon Lyon)
17. Rafael Soriano (+2) (Mike Gonzalez, Peter Moylan)
18. J.P. Howell (+4) (Dan Wheeler, Grant Balfour, Joe Nelson)
19. Brian Fuentes (-10) (Jason Bulger, Darren Oliver, Justin Speier)
20. Chad Qualls (+8) (Jon Rauch)
21. Brad Lidge (-3) (Ryan Madson)

Brain Freeze

I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Troy Percival– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Pena in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.

22. Matt Capps (+4) (Jesse Chavez)
23. Kerry Wood (+2) (Chris Perez, Joe Smith)
24. Mike MacDougal (+5) (Sean Burnett, Jason Bergmann)
25. Andrew Bailey (-12) (Michael Wuertz, Brad Ziegler)
26. Frank Francisco/C.J. Wilson (-2) (Darren O’Day)
27. Bobby Jenks (-10) (Matt Thornton, Octavio Dotel, Scott Linebrink)
28. Jason Frasor (-2) (Scott Downs, Brandon League)
29. Leo Nunez (Matt Lindstrom, Kiko Calero, Dan Meyer)
30. Jim Johnson (-11) (Danys Baez, Chris Ray, Billy Ray Valentine)

Carlos Zambrano has managed to win 13 or more games for 6 straight years.  It wasn’t easy.  He had to get through a Sweatshop Foreman in Dusty Baker and a pitcher hater in Lou Piniella.  He’s managed 17 HRs in his career and has almost hit his weight (.240).  But, for some reason, he decides to lay down a bunt single and strains his hamstring trying to beat it out.  Somewhere Michael Barrett chuckles.  This sucks if you’re a Zambrano owner but doesn’t do much to change his value.  He’ll miss 3-4 starts and come back to pitch at about 4.00 ERA, solid Ks, and a Win every other start.  That’s assuming, though, he stops trying to emulate Juan Pierre.  Anyway, here’s what else we saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jonathan Sanchez – 4 IP, 4 ER.  Walked in a run in the 1st.  There’s got to be a direct correlation between pitchers walking in a run and how undesirable they are for fantasy.  Maybe we can get Rudy to draw up a chart.

Alex Rodriguez – Farted yesterday.  Big news!

Alex Gonzalez – Headed to the DL.  Hey, who’s going to hit .220 while he’s out?  Don’t worry, the Red have Paul Janish and Jerry Hairston Jr.

Chris Iannetta – Hit his 5th home run yesterday and collected 4 RBIs to bring his total to 10.  John Baker has 2 home runs and 10 RBIs.  You’d swear all the questions I answer about these two schmohawks that one was remarkably better.   Here’s the deal with punting catcher.  They’re like scabs.  Just leave them alone!  Iannetta will have 17-20 HRs by September.  You don’t have to keep picking at him.

Mike Napoli – 4-for-4 yesterday.  Hey, it’s the other catcher that works his way into every “Baker or Napoli or Iannetta” question.  Pick one then let them be.  Please.  You’re going to leave a scar.

Brandon League – Got the save opp because Downs had worked three straight games and League gave up three runs.  Mad Libs, The Pun Edition: Out of His ________.

Matt LaPorta – HR yesterday.  After the game he said, “I’m this year’s Bruce.  Now… let’s dance!”

Andy LaRoche – Hit his first home run yesterday as he hits .253 on the season.  After the game he said, “Adam went off-book.  We’re a 2nd half family.”

Eric Stults – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER.  You know who really appreciated this performance?  Peter Bogdanovich.

Javier Vazquez – No one pitches better for five-sixths of a game than Vazquez.

Andrew Bailey – There’s some rumblings up in Bub Rub country that he might be moving in on Ziegler territory.

Nick Markakis – Hit his 4th homer yesterday with 3 RBIs to bring his total to 27 as he bats .370.  I am Sparkakis!

Felix Hernandez – 6 IP, 6 ER, 9 Ks.   Sounds like the line every pitcher should expect coming out of a game with the Rangers.

Fausto Carmona – 6 2/3 IP, 4 ER.   Yeah, I’m glad I dumped this knucklehead.  Good luck to you, Carmona.  Don’t write.

Kyle Lohse – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER.  Hope who ever had him in April heeded my advice to loshe him.

Franklin Gutierrez – 3-for-4 as The Big FraGu goes yard!

Russell Branyan – Hit his 7th homer yesterday.  When I say cheap, you say power… Cheap… Power… Cheap… You got it.

Matt Capps – Came in to save a 4-3 game and left down 7-4 after a sac fly and 3-run gopherball to Rickie Weeks.  So what happened to the Pirates’ Jolly Roger tonight?  Cappsized!  On a less snarky note, that’s three straight outings where he’s given up a run.  And he’s given up 6 runs and 9 hits in his last 2 innings pitched.  Pittsburgh doesn’t have a better option but John Grabow might be worth handcuffing at this point.

Edwin Jackson – 6 IP, 5 ER. Pulled his best Javier Vazquez impersonation as he was great through six innings then was roughed up when he went back for the 7th.

Jon Lester – 7 IP and 10 Ks.  With 33 K and 10 BB, he’s a solid buy low candidate given his 5.00+ ERA.  Just realize he comes with some risk given he threw a zillion pitches last year.

Phil Hughes – Not a great start.  Maybe because it was a chilly, rainy night.  Too early to give up on him.  Sorry, I know everyone’s dying to drop him for Eric Stults now that Juliette Lewis has left him.  (Razzball:  Perez Hilton’s Favorite Fantasy Baseball Site!)

Jose Reyes – Right now, he’s at 10/1/8/.257 with 5 SBs.  That’s looking pretty crappy when Bobby Abreu has 11 SBs and guys are stealing 5 bases in a day.

Rick Ankiel – Tripped and went head first into the outfield fence.  We’re rooting for you buddy. (And, note, we don’t have him on any team.  We’re not THAT callous).

Huston Street – 1-2-3 inning for his 3rd save.  That’s 5 straight outings without a run.  And rumors are circulating that Manny Corpas might get send down.  The Colorado closer situation has been settled once and for all for the next 2 weeks until Street gets hurt.

Zack Greinke – Another shutout.  The trick?  He gets dressed in the Visitors’ locker room.

Francisco Liriano – Won his first game of the year – after losing his first 4 – with 9 Ks in 7 IP against Detroit.  Anyone that bet on him going 0-33 should be feeling mighty stupid.

Dexter Fowler – 0-for-3, 1 caught stealing.  Hey, when does Chris Young pitch again?

Chris Davis/Mark Reynolds – Homers 6 and 7 yesterday, respectively.  We got a hot one, America!

John Maine – Evened up his record to 2-2 after giving up only 3 hits in 6 IP with 7 Ks.  Yeah, that’s the good part.  Did we mention 3 ER and 6 BBs?  We own him, but that doesn’t mean we have to like him.  It could be worse I guess (we’re looking at you, Oliver Perez).

Mark Teixeira – HRs from both sides of the plate.  Let’s check the calendar.  It’s now May.  Yup, makes sense.  Time for Marco Scutaro to suck now.

Ryan Zimmerman – 4-for-4, 22 game hit streak.  First slow-starter Adam LaRoche has a great April with little brother Andy at the other corner.  Now Ryan Zimmerman starts hitting like crazy when Jordan “Two-N” Zimmermann was called up.  So don’t be surprised if the Red Sox sign Russ Ortiz.