Fantasy Baseball Advice

By the dawn’s early light, why are you unhealthy again, Jose Reyes?!  Tough week for MIs.  Rollins must be contagious.  It’s the Middle Infieluenza Outbreak of Twenty-Ten.  This is like in 1918 when Skeeter McGillicuddy sneezed and the Brooklyn Robins entire team was in the hospital for two weeks with the Robins forcing a team of jailbirds and hooligans onto the field in the heart of the pennant race.  Or maybe that was a movie pitch I overheard in a Hollywood Starbucks.  Neverthehoo!  Right now, Reyes doesn’t sound too bad with only a stiff back and not an issue with his oblique, the mystery ailment that sidelines players and no one has any idea where in the body it is.  Reyes said he could’ve even played last night.  Excellent, now keep him away from any Met doctors that treated Beltran’s day-to-day thing last year that knocked him out for over a year.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jimmy Rollins – 0-for-4 as he hits third for the 2nd straight game.  Yeah, it didn’t work for Reyes either.  Rollins is now batting .270 after returning from the DL with a .341 average.  Granted, that was only through 11 games, but they’re my small sample sizes and I’ll put them wherever I want.

Roy Halladay – 8 IP, 4 ER, 13 Hits, 0 Walks, 10 Ks and 119 pitches.  The 13 hits were a career high, the 119 pitches were not.  Not even his high in his last ten starts.  He’s a gingie horse… Nay (pun point)… He’s a gingie robot.  A gingie robot that wouldn’t mind some run support.

Joey Votto – 1-for-4 with his 18th homer.  He eats gingie robots for breakfast.

Jay Bruce – Bruuuuuuuuuuuce!  Where the heckfire you been?  Bruce hit his 10th homer yesterday as he bats .281 on the year.  I’d actually take five more homers and a .265 average.  Cust kayin’.

Tom Gorzelanny – 5 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  It was vs. the Pirates so take it with a grain of NaCl.  But he now has an ERA of 3.14 and more Ks than innings.  I wouldn’t even be pointing him out if his next start vs. the Diamondhacks wasn’t favorable.  Mmm… deep flyer.

Wandy Rodriguez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks.  The Wandwagon rides again with two straight quality starts.  If he falters against the Pirates in his next start, I may jump out my window.  Sure, I’m on the first floor, but it’s about the gesture.

Chris Johnson – 4-for-4 and now has two 4 hit games.  Tell me more, tell me more, can hit the ball far? Was that Grease, random italicized voice?  Stop judging me! The two four hit games surround a 1-for-12 stretch.  Definitely worth a flyer in NL-Only leagues, but I wouldn’t go crazy with him yet in mixed leagues.

Barry Enright – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Barry had pinpoint control in the minors, but gave 4 free passes in yesterday’s game.  But that might’ve just been nerves.  But II:  The Return of But, he might only be up for one start anyway.  But III:  But Lives, Willis may not stay in the rotation, which would give Barry more starts.  But IV:  But vs. However, even if Barry sticks in the rotation, he needs to prove himself in the majors before I’d add him.

Aaron Heilman – 1 IP, 0 ER as the blind man picked up the saw and said, “Hey, I got a save!”

Chris Snyder – 3-for-4 but gave up 5 Cardinal steals.  I wonder if the Cards players own Montero in fantasy and this was their subtle hint to Hinch.

Krispie Young – 1-for-4 with his 14th Krispie fly.

Jonathan Sanchez – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners (only 2 Walks), 4 Ks.  Filthy Sanchez just gave up two poorly timed homers.  Sure, I’m making excuses, but I own him everywhere.  Gotta stay positive, Mike Skinner.

Erik Bedard – Could return to the M’s rotation on Tuesday.  He just has to get through one final rehab start healthy.  Vegas isn’t taking bets, but I’d put his return next week at 4 to 1.

Felix Hernandez – 9 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks.  It’s so sexy when he does that thing with the Ks and the no runs.

Michael Saunders – 2-for-4 with 2 homers.  He’s death against lefties, which is not the same as murdering lefties.  At .217 on the year, he’s nothing but an AL-Only OF at this point.

Milton Bradley – 2-for-5 with his 2nd homer in his last 4 games.  Sure, he’s a head case, but he has 8 homers and 6 steals on the year in less than 200 ABs.  He should be owned in more than 3% of ESPN leagues.

Bengie Molina – With apologies to Alfred, the fattest, slowest Molina was sent from the Giants to the Rangers.  The Rangers add Molina to their organizational catching depth of Max Ramirez, Teagarden, Treanor and Saltalamacchia as they continue to follow the “catching wins championships” credo that has never worked for anyone.  Molina moves into a much better lineup and ballpark, which should help his numbers.  He’s a 15 homer, .260 hitter.  On the basepaths and the buffet line, he’s a station-to-station guy.

Buster Posey – With Molina moving to Texas, Posey gets a nod of approval and every day catching duties, which may not necessarily help his hitting since he now has a much harder position to play.

Matt LaPorta – 1-for-2 with his 2nd homer in the last two games.  You know the drill.  When guys are hitting, you what?  *taps finger, scratches head, whistles*  You own them!  C’mon, that was an easy one.

Chris Perez – Got the save since Wood pitched in the three prior games.  Though if you saw the box score and thought Wood was gone, it’s understandable.

Matt Garza – 7 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. the Sawx.  Sonavabench!  Why can’t he pitch well vs. bad teams and crappy vs. good ones?  Is that too much to ask?

Vladimir Guerrero – 4-for-4, 5 RBIs, 2 homers.  Must’ve been nice to not only homer twice off the Angels, but to hit one off of the impostor, Francisco Rodriguez.  If Vlad stays healthy, he can keep his name in the MVP conversation.  That “if” isn’t exactly Rhode Island-sized.

Zack Greinke – 8 IP, 6 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks.  He flew through 7 innings only to give up 5 runs in the 8th as he tried to blow his own win and Greinke himself.

Jair Jurrjens – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Meesa tinks Jar-Jar looked sharp in his return.  He even struck out some hitters in this game.  If you’ve forgotten, Jurrjens’ bugaboo is he doesn’t K people.  A healthy Jar-Jar should absolutely be owned in your league.

Adam Jones – 3-for-5 with his 13th homer while hitting .274 and chipping in 3 steals.  You know what’s fascinating to me (which means it’ll be a yawnfest for you), if Jones hit .274 all year while spreading his 13 homers out over the first three months, he would be owned everywhere and people would harbor no ill will towards him.  This is why you draft guys you trust and let them play.   On the other hand, Markakis is suckakis.

Ty Wigginton – Hit his 14th homer.  After the game, Casey McGehee called him to say, “Nice hit, Dad!”

Matt Kemp – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer.  Probably a day late on that buy low Kemp trade offer.

Rafael Furcal – 4-for-5, 3 Runs, 2 RBIs and his third homer.  Hitting around .500 in the last week with 4 steals.

Clayton Richard – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks with a 2.74 ERA on the year.  Aren’t you glad you loaded your team with hodgepadres?  I am.

Adrian Gonzalez – Didn’t play because of shoulder soreness as the Padres exploded for 13 runs.  Ticker tease!

Dustin Pedroia – Since he was unable to put any weight on his foot, he took grounders while on his knees.  He’s obviously been watching the instructional video, Dorf on Baseball.

Brandon Inge – 0-for-3, but after the game he was all smiles.  When asked why, he said he loves having books read to him with his adopted brother.

Trevor Hoffman has been lights out all year.  Maybe he jumped in the Cocoon pool.  Octavio Dotel?  The post office said they’re going to a five day week because of cutbacks and the amount of fan mail coming in for Dotel.  Now hold the preceding up to a mirror.  Dotel as a Pirate has done nothing except plunder his fantasy owners’ goodwill.  Even Roger ain’t Jolly.  The Hoff looks drunk.  And Trevor too.  The pickups for this duo of dud is Carlos Villanueva, Joel Hanrananananan, Brendan Donnelly, Evan Meek, Hawkins, Coffey, Shelley Duvall, the guy at Subway that kinda skeeves you out, the Polish Sausage in the 7th inning stretch race and Cher.  Pick them up in that order.  For full disclosure, I grabbed Hanaranananan because Villanueva was taken in all of my leagues.  I didn’t go deeper than that.  Some shituations just aren’t worth the ulcer.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Garrett Jones – 2-for-7, 1 RBI.  After his first four at-bats yielded 4 Ks, Robot really turned it on.  Fool him 5 times, shame on Robot.

Andrew McCutchen – 4-for-7 and 2 homers for The Dread Pirate.  Now has 3 homers and 10 steals as he bats .303.  This might come as heresy, but The Dread Pirate could be a 3rd rounder next year.

Juan Gutierrez – Converted his first save.  Qualls was unavailable even though he hadn’t been used in two days.  I’m suspicious.  And, yes, I’m wearing a monocle.  Closers don’t just turn up unavailable in a one run game.  There’s something here.  I’d own Gutierrez over the Villanueva crapfecta that was listed in the lead-in.

Kelly Johnson – Hit his 8th homer of the year to lead the major leagues.  I pushed everyone to draft this guy from the moment he was traded to the Diamondbacks.  Where’s the love?!

Carlos Gonzalez – Hit his third homer and stole his third base.  It’s weird, it’s almost like he wants to get to 20/20 in the same game.

Dexter Fowler – 3-for-6, homer and a steal.  Love that, love the Rockies.  I am Eskimo kissing my fantasy baseball team.

Chris Coghlan – 2-for-4, I don’t even like him, but he appeared in last week’s Buy/Sell as a Buy and he’s now hitting, like, .300 for the last five days.  BTW, Rudy just traded Cody Ross for Coghlan in his NL-Only league.  Rudy also traded in his Winger CDs for a previously worn Band-Aid.  Doode’s a trading machine!

Jorge Cantu – 1-for-3 with his 5th homer as he took the lead in the National League in RBIs.  He’ll be in tomorrow’s Buy/Sell on the right side, which is oddly enough the wrong side.  Speaking of Sells…

Max Scherzer – 3 2/3 IP, 6 ER.  Yup.

Brandon Inge – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs with a homer.  He hits ‘em in bunches.  Now has a bunch of three in the last 3 games.

Scott Baker – 4 IP, 5 ER, 12 baserunners.  Last year, his 1st half ERA was 5.42 compared to 3.28 in the 2nd half.  Maybe he just takes forever to get going.  Whatever the case, I’d look elsewhere.  Not that you need me to tell you, but Baker’s cooked.

James Shields – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 12 Ks.  Shields pitches well in Florida.  He do what he do.  In the preseason, I absolutely refused to own Shields because of his soul-crushing 2009.  I figured I could get out without any regrets.  Of course, Shields has pitched well and threw a wrench in those plans.  Sonavawrench!

Jon Lester – Threw a seven inning one-hitter with 11 Ks.  Last Friday, I wrote, “If (Lester) doesn’t bounce back this week, he’ll probably have the lead-in of the Buy section next Friday.  Go and get Lester now!”  Too late.

Jake Fox – Caught his 5th game yesterday.  I haven’t talked much about him because he’s hitting .175 with one homer.  Worth noting though in AL-Only and 2 catcher leagues.

Cole Hamels – 6 IP, 4 ER, 10 Ks, 13 baserunners as he took your WHIP for a ghost ride.

Ryan Madson – Blew the save and got the Win.  Such a Cuddle Boy move.

Jimmy Rollins – Began a running program. The name of the program is, “J-Roll Rolls.”  Some discarded titles were, “Hurry, Juan Castro Is Starting,” “You Were Drafted In The 2nd Round In Fantasy, Doesn’t That Mean Anything To You?” and “It’s Always Runny In Philadelphia.”

Luis Atilano – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners.  He has 5 walks and 2 Ks in 12 innings.  Don’t even think about picking him up.

Matt Capps – Capps has been quite possibly the only closer to, ya know, convert a save all year as he picked up his 10th save yesterday.  SPOILER ALERT:  In next week’s Closer Look, Capps is crowned a Donkeycorn.

Ryan Zimmerman – Hey, I ain’t mad at cha, but how about you just go on the DL?

Jaime Garcia – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Now has a 1.04 ERA on the year.  No reason why he shouldn’t be owned in all leagues at this point.

Mike Leake – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  I’m not as bullish on Leake as I am on Garcia.  Leake’s walks are a mess.  Currently, he’s rocking a 18:15 K:BB.  Rocky road ahead, use caution.

Ryan Dempster – 8 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Now has a 2.78 ERA on the year.  He’s been a tad lucky with men on base.  (BTW, Tad Lucky would be an awesome male porn star name.)  Dempster’s probably closer to a mid- to high-3 ERA guy.  He’s no Carlos Silva, that’s for sure.  Take that however you want.

Chris Young – Had his rehab start pushed back due to achiness.  Uh-oh, someone call the giraffe doctor.

Robinson Cano – 2-for-5 as he hit his 6th homer and bats near .400.  Not to totally flip you out, but this great April is coming from a guy who’s usually a slow starter.  Yo, Big Chief Lambreaux, let’s start a parade!

Jorge Posada – After getting hit on the knee, Posada was lifted from the game by Girardi.  Weird, cause Girardi doesn’t even look that strong.  Posada will probably only miss a game or two.

Gordon Beckham – Got the night off to get his head straight.  Ozzie announced the move on his Twitter account by saying, “Something stinks.  Not fingers.  It’s Beckham.  He sits.”

Rich Harden – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners with 5 BBs and only 2 Ks.  Since you read Razzball, you probably don’t own Harden.  Good for you, because even the starts where he limits runs don’t look right.  If you can somehow confuse someone in your league that this was a good start, trade Harden.

Neftali Feliz – 1 IP, 2 ER and the save.  This save actually makes me want to own Frank-Frank more.

Matt Kemp – In the NL, he’s tied for 2nd in homers with 7.  He’s tied for 3rd in RBIs with 20.  He’s batting .292.  Why am I telling you this?  Because yesterday Dodgers GM Ned Colletti said, “(Kemp’s defense is) below-average.  If this is the last day of the season and people are voting for the Gold Glove, his name is not even on the ballot.”  Yeah, he’s no ex-Colletti signee, Juan Pierre.  What a putz.

John Ely – 6 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks.  He looks pretty average.  Dropped about a K/IP as he moved up in the minors, which puts him around a 6 K/9 in the majors if the trend continues.  His control should be better than he showed in yesterday’s game, but still he’s an avoid outside of deep NL-Only leagues.  On the bright side, he has better hair than Dennis Farina.

Ike Davis – 2-for-4 with his 6th RBI and now is batting .355 since his call up.  Maybe Ike is a slap hitter.

John Maine – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Well, it is blueberry season in Maine.  I don’t buy this start.  Have Maine call me in 2011 and I’ll reevaluate.

Jose Reyes – I was watching the Mets game yesterday and Pagan and Cora came up and then Reyes came up and I was like, “Where’s the pitcher between Cora and Reyes?”  Interesting experiment, Mets.  Now fix your lineup!  I mean, I’ve heard of batting the pitcher 8th, but I’ve never heard of batting the bottom of your order at the top.  Stop making me think there was a double switch in the 1st inning.

Josh Beckett game yesterday was a thing of beauty if you’re into that New Agey art where people smear bodily functions on canvas.  3 IP, 8 ER, 12 baserunners, 3 Ks.  I’m not sure what the most disturbing part of this outing was.  The lack of Ks?  How second nature these terrible starts have become for Beckett?  Or the amount of wood the Jays were getting after seeing Beckett’s pitches? (Pun avoidable, but what the hey?)  I’m not here to crap your house, but in five starts Beckett’s only looked like himself in one of them.  Now that I’ve got you near tears, here’s a big rainbow of Marshmallow Fluff, my emotional friend.  Beckett’s April ERA last year was 7.22, then May was 2.38 followed by a 1.51 in June.  Beckett’s men left on base has been unlucky so far and his K-rate is absurdly low for him.  Unless he heads off to the Disgraceful List, he should turn things around.  I’m not buying at full value, but if you can sneak Red State Jeter away from nervous owners for thirty cents on the dollar, I’d consider it.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jorge de la Rosa – Was sent for an MRI for a bone bruise on his middle finger.  Hopefully, that’s not the same finger he’ll be giving his owners.  Jhoulys Chacin (which is pronounced like Phoulys but with a J) might get the call if dlR has to miss a start.  Here’s what Stephen said in the Rockies Minor League Review, “Chacin induces ground balls at mind boggling rates. His career ground ball rate (59.2) are similar to Tim Hudson (58.6%), teammate Aaron Cook (57.5%) and Chien-Ming Wang (60.1%). He possesses a mid-90’s fastball with tons of heavy sinking action, a stellar change-up and a so-so curve.  Oh, and I hate Grey’s stupid face!”  Hey, how’d he sneak that past me?  For what it’s Wuertz, I grabbed Chacin in my NL-Only league.

Carlos Gonzalez – 2-for-3, homer, steal and his first walk as he continues to leadoff.  He’s completely miscast in the role.  He’s like George Clooney on Facts of Life.  Let CarGo hit third!

Jason Hammel – 3 IP, 5 ER as he was pulled from the game with a strained right groin.  Hehe… He has two groins.

Chad Qualls – 1 IP, 1 ER and the save as he lowered his ERA to 2.11… Oh, wait, that’s his WHIP.  His ERA is 9.00.

Ian Kinsler – As reported by the Arlington talk radio show, Talker, Texas Ranger, Kinsler will be batting 5th.  More RBIs, less Runs… Oh, just read this.

Nelson Cruz – Left the game with a flare-up of his hamstring injury.  Nelson Cruz is the king of nagging injuries.  To quote Big Head Todd & The Monsters, “It’s bittersweet… More sweet than bitter… Bitter than sweet.  Sweet and bitter.  Bitter and sweet.   Sweet… Bitter…  Bittersweet.”

Neftali Feliz – Has now given up 4 runs in the last 3 appearances, while Frank-Frank has only given up one run since April 11th.  Cust kayin’.

Mike Stanton – Coghlan should better.  His BABIP and line drive rate say he’s been unlucky.  Cody Ross just isn’t very good.  The only one that likes Cody is Kathie Lee.  Either way, Mike Stanton has 9 homers in 17 minor league games and is breathing down their necks.  He’s 7 for his last 8 with 5 homers.  If you thought the rush to grab Smoak was quick, crack your knuckles on your grabby little hands cause Stanton’s going to go just as fast.  Stanton mollywhops with his pony sticks.  Believe that.

Josh Johnson – 9 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 12 Ks.  After the game, his porn star brother, Gosh Johnson, sprayed the entire team with champagne.  At least, everyone hopes it was champagne.

Octavio Dotel – 1/3 IP, 4 ER.  Kazaam!  I think the Pirates find themselves with a tuxedo and too few times to use it.  I’ll explain.  It’s like when you convince yourself that it’s a good idea to buy a tuxedo for one occasion then you try to shoehorn it into every occasion.  “Listen, dear, if I’m going to bother entering an All You Can Eat Chimichanga Contest, I may as well be dressed well in case there’s press there.”  Dotel is the tuxedo.  Though he’s looked like a tuxedo shirt lately.

Colby Rasmus – 2-for-3, as he hit his 6th homer.  Don’t ya hate it when you target someone in every league, don’t get him by the luck of the draft and then he still does well?  I do.  I miss you, Colby.  Write soon!

Jason Heyward – 0-for-3 as he bats .234.  Now has 24 strikeouts in 64 ABs.  He’s going to be a great one, but he might be a year or two away from that.  Remember, it took Justin Upton almost 500 major league at-bats over the course of two seasons before he exploded last year.

Mat Latos – 2 2/3 IP, 7 ER.  Rule #1:  The hodgepadre should never go near water.  Rule #2:  The hodgepadre should not be exposed to direct light.  Rule #3:  The most important rule.  No matter how much they cry, no matter how much they beg, never, never start them on the road.

Brandon Wood – 3-for-4, and now has hits in three straight games.  Pay attention, it could be the start of something.

Brandon Inge – 2 homers yesterday.  Don’t you love when you pick up a player for only one short schedule day?  Yeah, I did that with Inge.  It’s like I called his shots.  Put me on the phone with Make-A-Wish.  I’m brightening sick kids’ days!  Hopefully, they don’t change the scoring to a triple with an error.

Phil Coke – Has a 1.64 ERA, 3 wins, 3 Holds and the best last name according to Ron Washington.

Felix Hernandez – 7 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks.  I could sit here, and I am indeed sitting — in a prison cell in Singapore — and I could tell you he was outdueled by Ray Davies or whatever his name is, but I’m staying optimistic.  Even when F-Her isn’t electric, he’s more than respectable.  That’s what I like to see.  Now, please let me out of this cell, I promise not to chew gum in public again.

Chone Figgins – 0-for-4, now batting .179.  Haven’t owned Figgy anywhere in about four years, but I figured I’d give him a shot this year since he was getting 2nd base eligibility.  Yeah, that’s working out well.

Carlos Silva – 7 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks.  As frequent commenter, royce!, said, “This Carlos Silva shizz has got to stop.  It’s like the universe is on a crusade to discredit all pitching peripherals.  Seriously, the Fangraphs database is gonna commit virtual seppuku.”

Alcides Escobar – 2-for-5, as he hit his first homer.  Now has more homers than steal attempts.  Any time, doode.

Rickie Weeks – 1-for-5 with 1 Run and 1 RBI as the Brewers scored 17.  Ticker tease!

Roy Halladay – 7 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners.  He didn’t look that NLightened last night.

Eli Whiteside – 2-for-3 and his 2nd homer.  Who needs Buster when we’ve got bubelah?

Jonathan Sanchez – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks as he beat Halladay.  Gotta love Sanchez even when he’s a butter WHIP.

Sometimes when a player gets hurt, I feel bad if I told you to buy into them.  I’m like, “Shove your emotions into your cankles, you sissy!”  Alas, my inner Native American watching someone litter in a 70′s commercial comes out.  A tear forms in my eye and rolls into my mustache.  Then I leave it there to remind me of my fallen fantasy baseball comrades.  This mustache holds a lot of tears.  But when a player that I warned you against like Aaron Hill heads off to the DL with tightness in his hamstring, I do a little dance like MC Skat Cat.  You know the kid in high school that wore a helmet all day that you used to make fun of?  Okay, now remember when you were alone in the hallway and that same kid walk passed you and you said hello to him because no one else was around?  Today, that kid is Aaron Hill’s owners.  Save your ridicule until their back is turned.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jimmy Rollins – Having an MRI on his right calf strain.  Mr. Obvious phoned into Razzball HQ yesterday and said, “This is not great news for Rollins owners.  Hope for the best when the test comes back tomorrow.  Remember testing negative is a positive.”  Thanks, Mr. Obvious!

Jayson Werth – Left the game with hip soreness.  After the game, he said he’ll be fine.  He obviously just wanted to scare his fantasy owners.

Placido Polanco – 2-for-4, batting .484 so far.  That’s Polanculous!

Cole Hamels – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 6 Ks, only one walk.  Okay, I’m a Hamels apologist, but he didn’t really pitch that bad.  Marquis hit a cheap grounder that scored two runs and Hamels’s control looked fine.  As they say in the porn industry, you can’t help it if balls find holes.  Would I have liked a shutout?  Yeah, well, dur.

Brian Roberts – Heads to the DL.  His abdominal muscle injury appears to have hurt his back too.  Like Chipper, he too is currently an injury domino.  This isn’t a great place to be if you own him.  You really should wait for any good news before selling him.  For instance, the day before a player returns there will be a news report something like, “Roberts feels great, set to return.”  He’ll probably return and get hurt again.  But your opponents don’t need to know that.  Take that “feels great” news and turn it into something.

Justin Duchscherer – 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Was glad I hung onto him in one league, wish I would’ve held onto him in two leagues.  Damn you, Mike Gonzalez, making me back you up!

Luke Hochevar – 5 IP, 4 ER, 5 Ks.  It’s true, I like to be able to pronounce a guy’s name when I own them.  Nevertheless!  That’s not why I’m ignoring Hochevar… Though I’m not exactly ignoring him when I’m talking about him… Nevertheless II!  He was hit pretty hard yesterday and had some luck to come out the game with a win.

Scott Podsednik – 4-for-5, 5th steal yesterday.  SAGNOF! (Yes, two days in a row, but some people need shizz drill into their heads.)

Jose Guillen – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs, HR yesterday.  Now has three homers in two days.  You pick up players when they’re hot, you drop them when they’re not.  Took Matthew Berry a whole semester at the College of Fantasy Baseball at Charleston to say that, but the gist remains.  (Oh, and loved loved loved what Merchant Ivory did with “The Gist Remains.”  Much better than “New Delhi On Wry” in my opinion.)

Brandon Inge – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs.  Hitting .345 through the 1st week.  Last year, he hit 7 homers in April with a .319 average.  Rudy dropped Sean-Rod for Inge in one of our leagues.  I didn’t object.

Ryan Raburn – Did nothing yesterday, but he did play 2nd base.  Probably was just a day off for Sizemore, but it’s not like he’s done anything.  Then again, Raburn hasn’t done anything either.  But if Raburn can get 400 ABs, he can hit 20 HRs.

Josh Willingham – Another homer yesterday.  The other white meat!

Julio Borbon – 0-for-4, now batting .040.  I have him in a league and I agree with George Thorogood.  One Borbon, one Scotch, and one beer.

Vladimir Guerrero – Bats over .450 on the year as he stole a base yesterday.  When Vlad has a tell-all autobiography ghostwritten one day, there will be a whole chapter about how he snuck a motorized scooter onto the field to steal a base.

Nelson Cruz – Hit his fifth homer yesterday.  I wish Hamilton was smoking whatever Cruz is.

Kerry Wood – Threw a bullpen session yesterday and the Indians said they might activate Wood without him going to the minors first to rehab.  In related news…

Chris Perez – Came into the game, didn’t record an out and loaded the bases.  You think he’d have the decency to at least try and scuff the balls with his stupid frickin’ mullet!  Jensen Lewis would be the next guy in line for saves.  Member when Lawrence Taylor said his life is in the toilet and no one is flushing?  That’s how my teams have been with closers.  So, for full disclosure, I did not grab Jensen Lewis in any leagues.

Fausto Carmona – 8 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners with 4 walks and 4 Ks.  It may seem like I’m stubbornly refusing to believe in this guy, but that’s really not that good of a line.

Frank Francisco – 1 IP, no baserunners, but his 1-2-3 inning wasn’t pretty.  Balls were hit hard.  Andrus had to make a diving stop.  On the other hand — the 100 MPH hand…

Neftali Feliz – Makes me feliz to watch him throw.  Made short work of the Indians for the save.  Could have the job for a while, but you still can’t drop Frank-Frank.

Andruw Jones – Look at everyone’s surefire Hall of Famer circa 2006 hitting 2 HRs yesterday.  His play is too sporadic to have fantasy value right now outside of AL-Only leagues, but if he gets outfield eligibility then he’ll be someone to look at.

Jason Frasor – Blew the save yesterday.  I’d grab Gregg where you have room, but I do think it’s still safely Frasor’s job.  Of course that could change quickly.

Vernon Wells – Hit his fifth homer yesterday.  You can’t spell Wells without sell…  Or swell, but ignore that.

Wandy Rodriguez – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners.  Obviously wasn’t a good start, but there were only 2 walks.  Yes, that’s me trying to find the positive where there wasn’t much of one.  He gets the Cubs next, a team he dominated last year.  Hopefully he can right the Wandwagon.

Jay Bruce – 2-for-4 yesterday.  People are asking me in the comments if they should pick up Bruce because someone in their league dropped him.  The universal answer is yes and set a reminder for May 15th to mock your leaguemates.

Johnny Cueto – 5 IP, 4 ER, 2 Ks.  From what I saw, he was doing a good job getting ahead of the hitters, not as good a job putting them away.  He gets the Pirates next.  If that’s not a cakewalk, we may need to reevaluate.

Scott Rolen – 3-for-5, 2 HRs.  2002 called, it wants its home runs back.

Bengie Molina – 4-for-4, HR and 4 RBIs yesterday.  Was Monday Old Timer’s Day?

Derrek Lee – Lee left the game with an inflamed thumb.   X-rays came back negative.  He’s listed as day-to-day.  In other words, D. Lee is trying to avoid the DL.

Xavier Nady - HR yesterday as he replaced Lee.  Worth grabbing in NL-Only leagues in case Lee can’t return immediately.

Carl Pavano – 6 IP, 1 ER.  Extremely solid control and it looks like his taxi cab years in New York are well in his rear view mirror.  I’d take a chance on him if you need a solid #4 fantasy starter.  Plus, Target Field looks like a pitchers’ park and a great place to get women’s dress slacks.

Reid Brignac – 2-for-4, HR yesterday.  As I said in the comments yesterday, “Sean-Rod and Brignac will share time at 2nd until one can breakout, if one can breakout.”  And that’s me quoting me!  Though Brignac is definitely looking like the one that could breakout.  Right now, neither have much value outside of AL-Only leagues if they’re platooning.

Kevin Correia – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners.  Hodgepadre!

Chase Headley – 2-for-4, batting .448 on the year.  If you’re not owning him at this point, it’s your own fault.

Will Venable – 3-for-5, HR yesterday.  He’s okay in NL-Only leagues or if you can platoon him, but he doesn’t have an every day job.

Jair Jurrjens – 3 1/3 IP, 8 ER.  The positive coming out of this start was Rudy and I came up with a new glossary term.  Smugshot:  the grinning picture posted on a baseball site that drives you nuts when the player’s underperforming.  “Why the f*** are you grinning like that Jurrjens – you just gave up an 8 spot to the Padres!  The real crime isn’t that you’re killing my team, it’s that your damn smugshot rubs it in my face.”

David Ortiz – Big Floppy lashed out at reporters saying he’s not playing with a wrist injury.  “I used to take steroids and no longer do.  I’m a Latin 34, which makes me around 38 years old.  I don’t even know my real age!  Also, do I look like I’m in good shape?  Rhetoríco!  I’m just not a good hitter anymore.  Leave it at that.”  That was me paraphrasing.  But it went sorta like that.

It feels like yesterday that the baseball regular season started.  We frolicked, hand in hand, through the season.  You stopped to pick a flower and I said, “That dandelion looks like a French impressionist painting that you can see up close.”  Then we giggled and blew the parachute off its stalk.  Today, the parachute lands and I’m sad.  The regular season is done.  As an action movie sidekick once said right before he was about to be killed, “NOOOO!!!”  There’s a cure for the post-baseball season blues — recapping the preseason top twenty lists and being hand fed Doritos. First up, Cool Ranch and our Preseason Top 20 Catchers for 2009. It’s important to look back before we look ahead to 2010.  Tell ‘em, B-Real, “How do you know where you’re going if you don’t know where you’ve been? Understand where I’m coming from?”  The top 20 lists are ranked according to ESPN Player Rater.  It may not be wholly accurate, but it’s wholly unbiased.  Anyway, here’s the top 20 catchers for 2009 fantasy baseball and how they compared to where I originally ranked them:

1. Joe Mauer – I was reading from The Book of Right-On by Joanna Newsom (<–reference for our two girl readers.  Hey, ladies!) about all of Mauer’s numbers, except the homers.  For his power, I was dead wrong.  If I could have E.G. Marshall come to my defense, he’d say no one predicted more than 15 homers for Mauer.  I was still wrong.  Dead.  Flippin’.  Wrong.  Preseason Rank #3, 2009 Projections:  95/12/80/.320/3, Final Numbers:  94/28/96/.365/4

2. Pablo Sandoval – He wasn’t ranked in ESPN’s Player Rater at catcher because of eligibility requirements, but I ranked him as a catcher in the preseason, so the Kung Fu Panda gets a bye.  In the preseason, I said, “I have his 2009 projections as 60/14/65/.300.  I think he can get to 17+ home runs without losing anything on the average side.  He’s not as appealing to me as a 3rd baseman or a swimsuit model.”  I was half right, he would’ve made a decent 3rd baseman too.  I’ll miss Sandoval in the catchers slot next year.  Preseason Rank #13, 2009 Projections:  60/14/65/.300, Final Numbers:  79/25/90/.330/5

3. Victor Martinez – I know you’ve abused your body with booze and babes for the last six months, but if you can remember back to the preseason, Martinez was risky coming into 2009 after a fakakta 2008.  He put those fears behind him and, with a little help from a trade to Sam Horn Nation, had a productive 2009.  Preseason Rank #4, 2009 Projections:  65/18/95/.300, Final Numbers:  88/23/108/.303/1

4. Brian McCann -  He’ll probably be my number one catcher again next year.  How’s that for being obstinate?  How’s that for knowing what obstinate means?  Can I get a Roget’s up in this mug?  Preseason Rank #1, 2009 Projections:  75/25/95/.295, Final Numbers: 63/21/94/.281/4

5. Kurt Suzuki – At number five, we enter a group of catchers that were probably passed around in your league like blow at an Eric Dane/Rebecca Gayheart clam bake.  I think the fact that Suzuki is ranked this high proves the point better than I could ever about not paying for catchers.  Also, most of these guys were unranked, because, frankly, they weren’t even drafted.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  74/15/88/.274/8

6. Jorge Posada – I didn’t think he had another productive season in him.  Obviously, The Jet Stream thought different.  If only Bobby Meacham had a chance to play in that wind tunnel, he could’ve broke double digits for his career.  Preseason Rank #12, 2009 Projections:  55/12/65/.270, Final Numbers:  55/22/81/.285/1

7. Miguel Montero – Probably the best waiver wire claim for any catcher this year.  In my mind, Montero was more valuable than Suzuki even though he ranks above him.  If you agree, then we may share a mind.  Weird!  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  61/16/59/.294/1

8. A.J. Pierzynski – Jesus Colome, is Pierzynski really this high on the catchers list?  What a terrible year for catchers.  I’d prefer a bunch of names below A.J. — Napoli, Olivo, Inge and even a Flying Molina Brother.  Can we just allow steroids for catchers?  C’mon, it wouldn’t be that bad.  Put the squatters on equal footing with the rest of the league.  Pierzynski is also the number one reason why you don’t draft catchers until the end of your draft.  They’re all so similar you could have easily had any number of guys below in the final rounds of your draft or off waivers and you would’ve done just fine.  Preseason Rank #20, 2009 Projections:  Yuck/Blah/I Feel Sick/.280, Final Numbers:  57/13/49/.300/1

9. Mike Napoli – With the amount of questions I fielded this year about dropping Napoli, you would think he wouldn’t have even made the top 20, let alone the top 10.  He’s the number one example why you should Ron Popeil your catcher and, “Set it and Forget It.”  Preseason Rank #9, 2009 Projections:  55/23/65/.245/7, Final Numbers:  60/20/56/.272/3

10. Bengie Molina – I would’ve preferred this Flying Molina Brother a lot more than the one below.  Actually, I wouldn’t have owned the Yadier version.  Preseason Rank #10, 2009 Projections:  50/15/70/.275, Final Numbers:  52/20/80/.265

11. Yadier Molina – Here’s a good example of the poor catcher numbers this year.  I ranked Yadier 19th overall with numbers that aren’t that far off from where he ended up, but he ranks 11th here with terrible RBIs and Runs.  Preseason Rank #19, 2009 Projections:  35/7/50/.270, Final Numbers:  45/6/54/.293/9

12. Brandon Inge – In the first half of the season, Inge was on a binge.  In the 2nd half, Inge was on the fringe.   Sandoval knocks on my office window, “Did someone say open fridge?”  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  71/27/84/.230/2

13. Miguel Olivo – Two good months gets you 13th on the top 20 catcher rankings.  In an interesting aside to me and maybe three other readers, Olivo and John Buck combined for 31 homers and 101 RBIs.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  51/23/65/.249/5

14. Russell Martin – Kinda shows you how awful Martin’s season was with the company he’s keeping on this list.  Here’s a juicy nugget I said back in February, “I don’t want to have anything to do with a catcher who gives you value because of some schmohawkian steals.  You’d be surprised at how fast a 13/18 catcher can become a 12/7 catcher. You really want to draft Placido Polanco in the fourth round as your catcher?”  And that’s me quoting me!  Preseason Rank #5, 2009 Projections:  95/15/70/.285/10, Final Numbers:  63/7/53/.250/11

15. John Baker – I have a feeling that Baker might be overrated next year.  Not sure why, just a gut call. (<–helpful, but less provocative than a booty call) Baker was decent for stretches of the season, but he still has very little power, no speed and not a great average.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  59/9/50/.271

16. Matt Wieters - In fairness to me, I projected Wieters’s 2009 stats in January way before I had any clue when he’d be called up.  He disappointed for most of the year, but his September (13/3/14/.362) gives hope that the hype should indeed be believed.  I’m a little giddy to draft him next year, which probably means others are a lot giddy and I won’t get him.  Preseason Rank #21, 2009 Projections:  50/17/60/.290 or the minors, Final Numbers:  35/9/43/.288

17. Rod Barajas – An August when he hit 7 homers and batted .225 pushed him onto this list.  Yes, that was his good month.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  43/19/71/.226/1

18. Ivan Rodriguez – Man, the catchers are terrible this year.  This stunod I wouldn’t have owned in a 20 team league that only used catchers that were traded from the Astros to the Rangers mid-season. Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  55/10/47/.249/1

19. Chris Iannetta – Here’s one of the problems with the ESPN Player Rater.  Iannetta wasn’t that terrible.  Okay, he wasn’t that good either.  But his average drags him down a lot.  A terrible average on a catcher is bearable because of how few ABs they get.  See Miguel Olivo for further illustration of this point.  Preseason Rank #7, 2009 Projections:  55/19/70/.265, Final Numbers:  41/16/52/.228

20. Carlos Ruiz – He had 11 April ABs and he made the top 20.  Yikes.  Guess that’s the perfect way to end a terrible year at the catching position.  Ladies and gentlemen, your 20th ranked catcher, Carlos Ruiz.  Belch.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  Do you care?  Final Numbers:  Not good, friends.