Fantasy Baseball Advice

It feels like yesterday that the baseball regular season started.  We frolicked, hand in hand, through the season.  You stopped to pick a flower and I said, “That dandelion looks like a French impressionist painting that you can see up close.”  Then we giggled and blew the parachute off its stalk.  Today, the parachute lands and I’m sad.  The regular season is done.  As an action movie sidekick once said right before he was about to be killed, “NOOOO!!!”  There’s a cure for the post-baseball season blues — recapping the preseason top twenty lists and being hand fed Doritos. First up, Cool Ranch and our Preseason Top 20 Catchers for 2009. It’s important to look back before we look ahead to 2010.  Tell ‘em, B-Real, “How do you know where you’re going if you don’t know where you’ve been? Understand where I’m coming from?”  The top 20 lists are ranked according to ESPN Player Rater.  It may not be wholly accurate, but it’s wholly unbiased.  Anyway, here’s the top 20 catchers for 2009 fantasy baseball and how they compared to where I originally ranked them:

1. Joe Mauer – I was reading from The Book of Right-On by Joanna Newsom (<–reference for our two girl readers.  Hey, ladies!) about all of Mauer’s numbers, except the homers.  For his power, I was dead wrong.  If I could have E.G. Marshall come to my defense, he’d say no one predicted more than 15 homers for Mauer.  I was still wrong.  Dead.  Flippin’.  Wrong.  Preseason Rank #3, 2009 Projections:  95/12/80/.320/3, Final Numbers:  94/28/96/.365/4

2. Pablo Sandoval – He wasn’t ranked in ESPN’s Player Rater at catcher because of eligibility requirements, but I ranked him as a catcher in the preseason, so the Kung Fu Panda gets a bye.  In the preseason, I said, “I have his 2009 projections as 60/14/65/.300.  I think he can get to 17+ home runs without losing anything on the average side.  He’s not as appealing to me as a 3rd baseman or a swimsuit model.”  I was half right, he would’ve made a decent 3rd baseman too.  I’ll miss Sandoval in the catchers slot next year.  Preseason Rank #13, 2009 Projections:  60/14/65/.300, Final Numbers:  79/25/90/.330/5

3. Victor Martinez – I know you’ve abused your body with booze and babes for the last six months, but if you can remember back to the preseason, Martinez was risky coming into 2009 after a fakakta 2008.  He put those fears behind him and, with a little help from a trade to Sam Horn Nation, had a productive 2009.  Preseason Rank #4, 2009 Projections:  65/18/95/.300, Final Numbers:  88/23/108/.303/1

4. Brian McCann -  He’ll probably be my number one catcher again next year.  How’s that for being obstinate?  How’s that for knowing what obstinate means?  Can I get a Roget’s up in this mug?  Preseason Rank #1, 2009 Projections:  75/25/95/.295, Final Numbers: 63/21/94/.281/4

5. Kurt Suzuki – At number five, we enter a group of catchers that were probably passed around in your league like blow at an Eric Dane/Rebecca Gayheart clam bake.  I think the fact that Suzuki is ranked this high proves the point better than I could ever about not paying for catchers.  Also, most of these guys were unranked, because, frankly, they weren’t even drafted.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  74/15/88/.274/8

6. Jorge Posada – I didn’t think he had another productive season in him.  Obviously, The Jet Stream thought different.  If only Bobby Meacham had a chance to play in that wind tunnel, he could’ve broke double digits for his career.  Preseason Rank #12, 2009 Projections:  55/12/65/.270, Final Numbers:  55/22/81/.285/1

7. Miguel Montero – Probably the best waiver wire claim for any catcher this year.  In my mind, Montero was more valuable than Suzuki even though he ranks above him.  If you agree, then we may share a mind.  Weird!  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  61/16/59/.294/1

8. A.J. Pierzynski – Jesus Colome, is Pierzynski really this high on the catchers list?  What a terrible year for catchers.  I’d prefer a bunch of names below A.J. — Napoli, Olivo, Inge and even a Flying Molina Brother.  Can we just allow steroids for catchers?  C’mon, it wouldn’t be that bad.  Put the squatters on equal footing with the rest of the league.  Pierzynski is also the number one reason why you don’t draft catchers until the end of your draft.  They’re all so similar you could have easily had any number of guys below in the final rounds of your draft or off waivers and you would’ve done just fine.  Preseason Rank #20, 2009 Projections:  Yuck/Blah/I Feel Sick/.280, Final Numbers:  57/13/49/.300/1

9. Mike Napoli – With the amount of questions I fielded this year about dropping Napoli, you would think he wouldn’t have even made the top 20, let alone the top 10.  He’s the number one example why you should Ron Popeil your catcher and, “Set it and Forget It.”  Preseason Rank #9, 2009 Projections:  55/23/65/.245/7, Final Numbers:  60/20/56/.272/3

10. Bengie Molina – I would’ve preferred this Flying Molina Brother a lot more than the one below.  Actually, I wouldn’t have owned the Yadier version.  Preseason Rank #10, 2009 Projections:  50/15/70/.275, Final Numbers:  52/20/80/.265

11. Yadier Molina – Here’s a good example of the poor catcher numbers this year.  I ranked Yadier 19th overall with numbers that aren’t that far off from where he ended up, but he ranks 11th here with terrible RBIs and Runs.  Preseason Rank #19, 2009 Projections:  35/7/50/.270, Final Numbers:  45/6/54/.293/9

12. Brandon Inge – In the first half of the season, Inge was on a binge.  In the 2nd half, Inge was on the fringe.   Sandoval knocks on my office window, “Did someone say open fridge?”  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  71/27/84/.230/2

13. Miguel Olivo – Two good months gets you 13th on the top 20 catcher rankings.  In an interesting aside to me and maybe three other readers, Olivo and John Buck combined for 31 homers and 101 RBIs.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  51/23/65/.249/5

14. Russell Martin – Kinda shows you how awful Martin’s season was with the company he’s keeping on this list.  Here’s a juicy nugget I said back in February, “I don’t want to have anything to do with a catcher who gives you value because of some schmohawkian steals.  You’d be surprised at how fast a 13/18 catcher can become a 12/7 catcher. You really want to draft Placido Polanco in the fourth round as your catcher?”  And that’s me quoting me!  Preseason Rank #5, 2009 Projections:  95/15/70/.285/10, Final Numbers:  63/7/53/.250/11

15. John Baker – I have a feeling that Baker might be overrated next year.  Not sure why, just a gut call. (<–helpful, but less provocative than a booty call) Baker was decent for stretches of the season, but he still has very little power, no speed and not a great average.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  59/9/50/.271

16. Matt Wieters - In fairness to me, I projected Wieters’s 2009 stats in January way before I had any clue when he’d be called up.  He disappointed for most of the year, but his September (13/3/14/.362) gives hope that the hype should indeed be believed.  I’m a little giddy to draft him next year, which probably means others are a lot giddy and I won’t get him.  Preseason Rank #21, 2009 Projections:  50/17/60/.290 or the minors, Final Numbers:  35/9/43/.288

17. Rod Barajas – An August when he hit 7 homers and batted .225 pushed him onto this list.  Yes, that was his good month.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  43/19/71/.226/1

18. Ivan Rodriguez – Man, the catchers are terrible this year.  This stunod I wouldn’t have owned in a 20 team league that only used catchers that were traded from the Astros to the Rangers mid-season. Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  55/10/47/.249/1

19. Chris Iannetta – Here’s one of the problems with the ESPN Player Rater.  Iannetta wasn’t that terrible.  Okay, he wasn’t that good either.  But his average drags him down a lot.  A terrible average on a catcher is bearable because of how few ABs they get.  See Miguel Olivo for further illustration of this point.  Preseason Rank #7, 2009 Projections:  55/19/70/.265, Final Numbers:  41/16/52/.228

20. Carlos Ruiz – He had 11 April ABs and he made the top 20.  Yikes.  Guess that’s the perfect way to end a terrible year at the catching position.  Ladies and gentlemen, your 20th ranked catcher, Carlos Ruiz.  Belch.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  Do you care?  Final Numbers:  Not good, friends.

The Sox are a bunch of homewreckers.  First they split of the LaRoche brothers then they break up the Duncan father/son combo in St. Louis.  Not good news for the softball team managed by Bob Boone with Bret and Aaron Boone on it.  Yesterday, the Red Sox acquired Adam LaRoche from the Pirates.  This hurts LaRoche’s value a bit, but he was kinda hurting his value on his own.  He’ll see time against righties, pushing Lowell to the bench in favor of Youkilis.  It’s doubtful Youuuuuuk will see a reduction in time other than the occasional day off.  This hurts Lowell’s value as well, but his old man hip was doing that already.  Since LaRoche will see time against the stronger half of the platoon and he’s a 2nd half hitter, he’s still worth owning in deep leagues, but you’ll need a backup for when he sits.  Meanwhile, the Pirates are that team in your keeper league that can barely field a team but they keep saying, “Wait til next year.”  So who plays 1st for the Pirates?  Jones?  Call up Pearce?  Sid “The Dream” Bream?  My guess is they’d stick with Garrett “I Need A Nickname” Jones and maybe call up Pearce in a month or so and give him some ABs.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Garrett Jones – 3-for-4, HR yesterday.  He’s now batting third for the Pirates and has 9 homers in about three games (and 11 RBIs).  I hate to be the buzzkill to your Jonesing, but he will cool off.  If you need a piece, no time like the present to trade him.

Ryan Doumit – 2 HRs yesterday.  Days like these make you glad you stashed him on your DL for three months.

Paul Maholm – 4 2/3 IP, 7 ER.  Only thing worse than a Pirates starter is one who throws a gem last time out then gets pounded.

Casey McGehee – HR yesterday as Felipe sat out with a sore hammy.  McGehee’s got spunk, but no playing time kinda hurts that.

Adam Jones – HR yesterday.  2nd homer since the All-Star break.  He’s not sure where he lost his stroke in June (maybe by the Doritos), but it looks like he’s found it.

Chris Duncan – Cards decided he didn’t look right with a ’stache so he was traded to the Sawx for Julio Lugo.  At best, Duncan won’t be anything but a bench player.  I imagine Francona will use him to pinch hit to get the opposing teams to bring in a lefty, then he’ll pull Duncan and put in a righty hitter for the ol’ switcheroo.

Julio Lugo – Julio Lugubrious is not worth owning in any league.

Clay Buchholz – 4 IP, 3 ER.  Well, that could’ve went better.  I’d start him next time out vs. the A’s, then depending on how that goes we might need to reevaluate.

Nelson Cruz – 2-for-2, 2 SBs.  Guess all his fractured finger needed was two days of rest.  I’d like to see him hit a homer before I call him “all better,” but it’s a step in the right direction.

Brad Lidge – 2/3 IP, 2 ER.  Kazaam!

Miguel Montero – Few hitters are hotter right now.  Yunel Escobar is another one.  Oddly, they both hit three-run homers yesterday.

Justin Upton – 0-for-3, not many colder hitters right now and I saw him limping in the game yesterday.  Gracie believed it was a tweaked back.  I’m not 100% sure, but it’s not going to help him kick this slump.

Tim Lincecum – 5 IP, 4 ER, 9 Ks.  I don’t usually watch games of A) Pitchers I don’t own B) Pitchers that are not available anywhere C) There’s no C.  But I watched Lincecum pitch yesterday.  Jurrjens didn’t outpitch him (7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 Ks) as much as the Braves outhit the Giants.  (BTW, Five days ago, Matthew Berry said re: Pablo Sandoval, “The Giants have a better team than folks think these days…” If anyone can figure out how a team with the major league worst OBP and 2nd worst OPS is better than people think, I’d love to hear it.  I’m guessing they’re worst than he realizes, but that’s me.)

Russell Branyan – Continues his march towards the most homers while going 1-for-4.

Felix Hernandez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 Ks and won his 11th game.  F-Her is having one of those years where the run support is falling just right.

Mark DeRosa – Hit another homer and the Cards lost again.  Stop hitting homers!

Bobby Jenks – Ozzie said Jenks is his closer and quote, “…if people don’t want him to be my closer, don’t come to the God damn game.”  He then let Matt Thornton save the White Sox victory on Wednesday.  I think because he brought Thornton in in the 8th, Ozzie thought he technically wasn’t lying.

Bronson Arroyo – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 8 Ks.  Ugly end result, but he gets the Padres next time out.

Ubaldo Jimenez – 6 IP, 3 ER, 5 Ks.  I wouldn’t have started him at home, but guess where he pitches next?  Metco!

Joe Mauer – 0-for-3.  I told you to trade him on May 22nd.  Since June 1st, he has 4 homers and a .329 average.  Miguel Montero’s outhitting that.

Chris Tillman – Supposedly going to get the call next week.  Here’s Chris Tillman’s fantasy breakdown from Scouting the Unknown.  For those too lazy to click-through, his K rate alone warrants a pick up.

Brandon Inge – Has a partially torn knee cap and says it’s excruciating.  But no fear, he also said this, “”How would I come out (of the lineup with) the race this close and for the fans of Detroit and the fans of Michigan going through what they’re going through with economics?”  You fantasy owners can thank Little Timmy, who told Inge this, “Gee whiz, Mister, since Pops fell between dem gears at the fac’try, Maw and the 8 of us kids have been hopin’ the ballteam could pull one out and give us somethin’ to believe in!”

Tony Bernazard – Former White Sox middle infielder and current Mets scout challenged the entire Double-A Binghamton Mets team to a fight.  And you thought Ozzie was the only crazy 80’s White Sox MI?  The best part was when the players started snapping their fingers while Bernazard and a prospect circled one another.  When you’re a Met, you’re a Met for life…

Jay Bruce owners got their first bit of good news from him as he fractured his wrist.  This is like when you’re in a terrible relationship that you can’t get out of because you’re scared to be alone, then the other person comes home and says they’re leaving you.  In 12 teams or shallower and non-keeper leagues, I’d remove Jay Bruce from the salamander and chuck him.  Even if he comes back, he wasn’t hitting when his wrist bone was connected to his forearm bone.  As for keepers, I thought Bruce would be a good sleeper candidate for next year.  Now with the nature of his injury, I’m not so sure.  If he needs surgery, it’ll be a much longer process. (When this post went to the (Word)presses, they weren’t sure if Bruce needed surgery.)  To go out on a limb — something Bruce can’t do so well right now — I’m calling Jay Bruce a top fantasy sleeper for 2011 — when we’ll all be taking flying cars to our draft.  Chris Dickerson, who had the start and a steal yesterday, gets an added boost as he’ll see time against righties.  That’s until Dusty grows bored of him.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Tim Stauffer – 7 IP, 2 ER on Saturday vs. the Giants.  He’s the newest HodgePadre.

Jonathan Sanchez – Last no-hitter for the Giants was John Montefusco.  Before picking up Sanchez, think about everyone that picked up Montefusco after his no-hitter.  (Okay, there was no such thing as fantasy baseball when Montefusco pitched his, but I think you get my point.)  If Sanchez had pitched a two-hitter instead of a no-hitter, would you even be considering him?  Things that make you say hmm…

Barry Zito – 4 1/3 IP, 9 ER.  As the BBWAA hold a caucus at the All-Star Game about giving Zito’s Cy Young to Pedro Martinez.

John Bowker – 2-for-4, HR yesterday.  I promise this is my last Giants player blurb.  Bochy is supposedly going to play Bowker every day.  Bowker’s proven more than capable in the minors.  This year’s Triple-A numbers are 63/17/63/.347/10 with more walks than strikeouts.  In NL-Only leagues, you should absolutely grab him.  In mixed leagues, I’d wait a few unless you’re absolutely hurting for power.

Jack Hannahan – Joel Hanrahan’s half-brother was traded to the Seattle Mariners.  You may ask yourself, why do I need to know this?  You don’t.  And the days go by, water flowing underground…

Jeff Francoeur – Traded to the Mets for Ryan Church.  Maybe the change of scenery is all he needed, but for right now I still think Frenchy’s *pinkie to mouth* toast.

Marc Rzepczynski – 6 IP, 3 ER, 5 Ks, 3 walks.  Surprisingly, you can spell Rzepczynski without two BBs, but he can’t pitch without them.

Ryan Church – The recession is hitting everyone, and now the Braves will only carry left-handed scissors.  I wouldn’t bother with Church, except on short schedule days when you’re just playing matchups.

James Shields – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 2 Ks.  Why can’t he hold a damn lead?  Seriously.  What the eff?  And two Ks?  Who are you, Joel Pineiro?

Brett Anderson – Left after four innings because his back stiffened up.  A’s are saying he should be fine and Steven Tyler’s saying he’ll be F-I-N-E.

Brandon Inge – 2 HRs yesterday, now has 21 on the year.  I guess 35 homers from your catcher slot bores you.

Josh Whitesell – Tony Clark’s release means two things.  1) Josh Whitesell should get the call-up.  He’s a decent flier in NL-Only play.  2) The Diamondbacks are now without a center for their pickup basketball games.

Ryan Ludwick – 5-for-9 in the doubleheader and 2 HRs, then robotically walked onto the field saying, “I must kill the Queen.”

Joe Mauer – 0-for-5 as the Twins scored 13.  Ticker Tease!

Brooks Conrad – HR yesterday.  Has 2 homers since his callup.  He’s a poor man’s Dan Uggla.  Has some modest pop, no average and Bobby Cox seems content to play him.

Manny Acta – Fired as Nats manager.  Guess you can’t fire a whole franchise.

Mike Napoli – HR on Saturday as he plays every day at DH while Vlad figures out why he has Andre Dawson’s knees.

Clay Buchholz – Will start Friday, but the Sawx plan on sending him down right afterwards.  I believe them.

Josh Beckett – 9 IP, 0 ER, 7 Ks, only 3 baserunners for his 11th win.  He was my preseason AL Cy Young prediction.  At the break, picks don’t look awful.  (Just ignore any mention of Alfonso Soriano.)

Garrett Jones – Hit his 5th homer yesterday.  That’s his fifth homer in 11 games.  That includes a three homer weekend.  He also has 3 steals while batting .310.  What else is in Garrett Jones’s locker?  He bats third and there’s really no one on the Pirates to challenge him for that spot if he hits…. Or even if he doesn’t hit.

Ryan Doumit – Returned from the DL.  People are clamoring for Doumit like he’s going to save their team.  Last year was the outlier.  He’s worth a flier because he’s a catcher, but he may only hit 7 homers with a .260 average the rest of the way.  Not to mention, he’s injury-prone.

J.P. Howell – 1 1/3 IP, 3 ER.  Kazaam!

Yovani Gallardo – 5 IP, 5 ER.  Has now thrown 9 walks in the last 10 innings.  As I pointed out a few weeks ago, he’s been pitching closer to a 4 ERA than a 3.  Trust me, I’m not thrilled either.

Clayton Kershaw – 6 IP, 1 ER, 2 hits, 5 walks.  Over the course of 99 and 2/3 innings this year, he’s issued 59 walks.  Okay, hotshot, how many more hits than walks has he given up?  A) 1-10 B) 11-20 C) 21-30 D) None of the Above E) Colonel Mustard.  If you guessed A, you looked up his stats pretty quick, cheater.  He’s given up 9 more hits than walks.  I don’t feel like doing the research, but has anyone in the history of baseball ever thrown more than 100 innings and had less than 10 more walks than hits while maintaining a sub-3.50 ERA?  Betcha Jayson Stark or some doode wearing a bow tie at Elias Sports Bureau knows.

Brandon Webb may miss the rest of the season.  Nothing good comes from drafting a top pitcher.  Nothing, I tell you.  I own Peavy in two leagues, so I’m right there with youse.  Remind next year to revert back to not drafting starters in the first five rounds.  Actually, next year you probably will be able to get Webb and Peavy after the fifth round.  Hmm, that’s a pickle.  Guess we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.  Webb was diagnosed with an “Ain’t Getting Better” problem.  Captain Obvious says, “When a guy misses three months, then goes for an MRI, it’s not a good sign.”  I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s shutdown for the year.  But you’ve held him this long, what’s another day or two to hear the full prognosis?  BTW, prognosis is doctor-talk for the 411.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Coco Crisp – Out for the season when his shoulder went snap, crackle, pop.

Carlos Beltran – Out on the 15-day DL.  Now, get this, the Mets say the best case scenario is he returns in 15 days.  Crazy, right?  I wonder what the best case scenario would’ve been if he was out on the 14-day DL.  Or 16-day DL.

Joel Pineiro – Two hit the Mets with one strikeout.  In other the news, Willie Randolph laughs.

Joey Votto – Returned to the lineup after being out for almost a month on the Dizzabled List.  I still think he can surpass Berkman’s numbers this season.  (Doesn’t hurt that Berkman’s having a season for the old ages.)  I’d buy into Votto picking up right where he left off.

Grady Sizemore – 2-for-5 in his return.  I’m not crazy about Grady going forward.  Elbow’s a tricky thing and Sizemore doesn’t seem to have a volume down button on his hustle.

Brandon Inge – Hit his 17th homer yesterday.  Matt Wieters hit his 2nd.

Magglio Ordonez – Liquid Paper, be damned.  Leyland returned Ordonez to the lineup in the 7th hole.  Mags repaid him with an 0-for-2 night, then Raburn eventually replaced him and hit a walkoff homer.  Now Raburn needs to play 2,130 consecutive games then Gary Cooper Jr. Jr. can play him in The Pride of the Tigers.

Kosuke Fukudome – Batted seventh yesterday.  Okay, he’s crizzap.  No argument here.  But he does have a .390 OBP.

Jake Fox – DNP as Hoffpauir DH’d.  The day before Fox hit third.  Piniella’s following the Leyland School of Filling Out a Lineup Card.  One day, they don’t play.  The next day, they hit third.  Following day, sit out again.  You figure it out.

Ryan Zimmerman – 2-for-3, batting .297 on the season.  Wasn’t he just batting .415 and carrying Nats Nation on his shoulders?

David Huff – 8 IP, 0 ER.  Now he has a story to tell his grandkids when they ask about his career highlight.

Ian Snell – 2 2/3, 4 ER.  Member when this guy was good?  Think it was the autumn of ‘06.  A burial cave dating back to the 1st century BC was discovered, the Crocodile Hunter met his match with a stingray and Snell won a game.  Good times!

Jhonny Peralta – HR yesterday.  Someone wasn’t happy Khalil was taking all the weirdly placed H love.

Jason Frasor – Got the save.  Frasor and the ‘do split, and it’s now safe to drop everyone else from the Jays pen.

David Price – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER and nine baserunners.  From the comments Razzball received yesterday, I’d say Price’s owners aren’t too happy with him.  I’d look at buying him on the cheap.  They’re zigging?  Zag, friend, zag!

John Mayberry – HR yesterday.  All he does is hit home runs!  No, really, that’s all he does.

B.J. Upton – 2-for-5. .430 in the last week.  .330 in June.  If he hits 3 homers a month for the next three months and continues to steal near his current pace, he’ll go 15/50.

Matt Lindstrom – Mollywopped for three runs in 2/3 of an inning.  Leo Nunez left before that with a sprained ankle.  Those with sprained patience could grab Dan Meyer as he’d be next in line in Joe Robbie/Pro Player/Dolphins/Brought to you by Blockbuster Stadium.  Though I think Lindstrom has a few more closetastrophes in him before we get to Meyer.

Andrew Miller -7 IP, 1 ER.  Nice start, I’m still not buying.

Koji Uehara – 6 IP, 1 ER.  I like him, but would love to see him get out of the sixth inning in one of these games.

Francisco Liriano – 5 IP, 3 ER.  Even when the start’s good, he chucks in five walks.

Casey McGehee – 2-for-5.  No one else is going to hit for the Brewers?  Everyone’s favorite novel, “Picking Up Slack,” by McGehee.

Billy Butler – 2 homers in the last four games.  That’s one homer for each moob.

Miguel Tejada – 3-for-4, Tay-HA-duh’s still hitting an empty .337.  Say-Blah-duh.

Tommy Hanson – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER.  Sure, you’re annoyed you benched him, but five walks through just over five and nine baserunners isn’t a great start.  Benching him was the right move.

Jorge Posada – Donned the golden sombrero and is now hitting .230 in June.

Hiroki Kuroda – 8 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 Ks.  All those starters people DL in hopes of them returning with value and Kuroda will probably exceed them all.  Sure, he gets smacked oops upside his head sometimes, but he’s also lights out plenty of other times.  Grey hearts Kuroda.  Actually, Grey hearts 95% of NL West pitchers not named Jonathan Sanchez.  Fingers, why are you talking about me in third person?  My bad.

Felipe Lopez – 3-for-5 and has hit in 18 of 20 games this month.  But… Wait for it… Here it comes… Is batting .262 in June.  Hey, one-for-fours, say hello to your mother for me.

Max Scherzer – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 Ks.  Six innings and guess how many pitches.  119.  I feel an idea coming on for the All-Star game festivities that involves Scherzer and Kershaw facing off with no bullpens allowed.

Troy Tulowitzki – Two homers as Razzball’s favorite son is back.  Now to get going Razzball’s favorite uncle, Nick Markakis.

Chad Gaudin – 11 Ks.  Wait, huh?  Eleven strikeouts.  Ah, yes, that’s the stuff.

Scott Hairston – Returned from the DL and slid right back into the number three hole.  Worth owning in 12 team leagues and could make a decent sub while Beltran’s out.  That’s not to say he could make a decent hoagie.  Different things.

Sammy Sosa – Claims are surfacing that he altered his jersey to make his arms look bigger.  It was only after team officials convinced him that he shouldn’t leave on the rubber tie-offs that he put on his arms pre-injection.  “But they make me look like The Ultimate Warrior!”

With Travis Hafner likely on the DL for a while with a pronked shoulder, the Indians called up Matt LaPorta – their prize from sending Sabathia to Bratwurstland.  He’s been tearing it up at AAA with a .333 AVG and 5 HRs in 75 AB.  So could we be looking at Hafner Jr?  Maybe, but it’s more likely we’re looking at a less K-friendly Jack Cust.  He only has about a full season above AA and CHONE and ZIPS projections have him hitting .240-.250 with solid power (think 25 HRs if he got 500 ABs).  Currently, he has OF eligibility in ESPN and 1B/OF in Yahoo.  If you’ve got an extra hitting slot in a 12 team or greater league, he’s worth taking a flier on in case he starts off hot.  Just don’t expect him to be el capitán – be happy if he provides marinero stats.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Psyche! (Not the TV show.)  First I want to mention two trades I did in two separate leagues.  First trade was Elvis Andrus/LaTroy Hawkins for Julio Lugo/Ian Stewart.  This league is 16 teams deep so trading guys you usually find on waivers is actually a necessity.  I had Kelly Johnson at 2nd and Omar Baby was playing over him in Hot Atlanta, so I needed to look elsewhere.  It’s no secret; I’m a fan of Ian Stewart.  As for Andrus to Lugo, they’re more or less tomato-tomahto, but the owner I was trading with is collecting Rangers (he owns 11).

The 2nd trade was a bit bigger.  In a 15 team league, I traded Heath Bell/Huston Street for Dan Haren/David Aardsma.  If you look at the trade, it helps both teams.  But the moral is that closers are like Japanese and German cars – they have excellent trade-in value.  Sure, you’ll get some lemons when you draft them in lower rounds but all you need are a few to hit and you can usually package them for picks from higher rounds.  (On the flip side, speed-only guys seem to have the lowest trade-in value.)  Anyway, let’s get down to bidness:

Carlos Zambrano – Hamstring strain from trying to beat out an infield single.  Typical Zambrano injury.  Actually, typical Zambrano injury would be him straining his forearm from punching his fist at the sky.  Sometime during the 2nd season of an inflated WHIP, I wiped my hands of Zambrano.

Carl Crawford – 6 steals yesterday.  Alien who just landed on Earth, “First Dexter with 5 steals, now Carl with 6.  Wow, these dorky white guys are fast.”

Michael Wuertz – Collecting saves while Ziegler’s out with undisclosed “flu-like” symptons.  Maybe judging the wet-tee contest in Cancun wasn’t the best idea.

Brandon Inge – 8 HRs. Russell Martin, Suzuki, Laird, Ramon Hernandez, Dioner, Yadier and Flores have combined for 8 HRs.

Cliff Lee – 7 IP, 3 ER, 4 Ks, has a 3.92 ERA on the year.  This actually seems exactly like what we should get this season from Lee.

Justin Verlander – 7 IP, 1 ER, 11 Ks.  As I said the last time out when he had a quality start, Verlander’s a 4.00 ERA pitcher.  So he can have some awful games, but he’ll also have some solid ones.

Ian Kinsler – 9th homer yesterday.  The hot first half is nothing new.  Staying healthy all year would be.  If he can stay healthy, he could have a season that makes him a top 5 pick next year.  Though in three seasons, he’s never played in more than 130 games.

Scott Richmond – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 Ks. In 30 and a 1/3 innings on the season, Richmond has a 2.67 ERA, 1.22 WHIP, 26 Ks and a 4-0 record.  As I said a week or two ago, I picked up Richmond in a deep league.  Do I trust him to continue this pitching version of Ludwick coming out of nowhere at the age of 29?  Oh, hellz no.  Pitchers don’t slide through that long without being discovered.  There’s too much of a need for them in the majors.  So will he get exploited at some point and end up a Poormond?  Yup, but I’m riding the lightning until it happens.

Ryan Braun - Missed two consecutive games as he nurses a stiff back.  Ryan Braun’s owner, “If he wanted to nurse something, couldn’t it be a baby giraffe?”  I’m legitimately concerned.  This stiff back seems to be connected to the rib cage injury that killed his power last September.  But, in the end, 75% of Ryan Braun (or Ryan Bra, for purists) is still better than 100% of most other players.

Oliver Perez -Headed to the minors or the Disgraceful List.  Here’s the world’s smallest violin.  Here’s the world’s smallest violin walking seven straight hitters.

Brandon Morrow – On the DL.  David Aardsma will fill-in as the closer in the mean’s while, as they said in remedial English.

Scott Baker – 6 IP, 5 ER.  Honestly, didn’t like him coming into this year, but I didn’t think it would be this bad.  Seems to be headed for the Disgraceful List.

Ricky Nolasco – 6 Ip, 5 ER. 7.03 ERA on the season and a 1-3 record.  How’s that sleeper pick doing you, non-mustachioed fantasy baseball ‘pert?

Derrek Lee – Grand slam and homers in back-to-back games.  I don’t think we’re ever going to see the Lee of 46 homers again, but the talk of his demise was prematurely reported.

Milton Bradley – 0-for-4 and now batting .116 on the season.  Doode may seriously get killed by a Cubbie fan by the All-Star Break if he doesn’t get his shizz together.

LaTroy Hawkins – 1 1/3 IP, 0 ER.  As I mentioned above, I just traded him (after picking him up on waivers) and if you think you’re going to get out alive with a sparkling month of Hawkins, you’re mistaken.

Michael Bourn – 2 SBs, .301 on the season.  In a 16 team league, I actually own this schmohawk, and remarkably don’t regret it.

Justin Upton – 4th home run in 9 games.  Can hit 25 HRs and .250.  Love to see him steal some bases because otherwise he’s Jose Guillen.  Nice thing about Upton is the perception of him, making him a commodity that can fetch more in a trade than he might be worth.

Mike Cameron – Another homer, bringing him to 6.  I think it’s fair to say at some point the bottom will fall out.  If you can get a solid piece for him in a trade, I’d explore it.

Barry Zito – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 Ks, 3 baserunners and possibly 2 owners in the entire world enjoyed it — Sabean and Bochy.

Chad Gaudin – 5 2/3 IP, 6 ER.  Well, he’s no Zito obviously!  In all fairness, Gaudin wasn’t terrible for 5 innings.  Okay, forget fairness.  The final line is ugly.  But the idea is to start him at Petco.  So I’m giving him two more home starts.  We shall see.

Johnny Cueto – 8 IP, 0 ER, 9 Ks.  Cueto was a higher touted prospect than Volquez going into last year.  Cust kayin’.

Homer Bailey – Keep him on radars in deep leagues and keepers, he’s still only 23 and won’t be in the minors for long.

Carlos Delgado -Hip problems that might not alleviate anytime soon.  Maybe he should put two baseballs on the bottom of his walker.

Jay Bruce – Hit his 6th homer yesterday.  Wasn’t it like two weeks ago you were thinking about trading him for Bonifacio?  I’m silently judging you.

Pablo Sandoval – Stole a base yesterday.  Gotta blame the pitcher when he lets the runner get an eighty-nine foot lead.