Fantasy Baseball Advice

Bryce Harper and Mike Trout were called up by their respective clubs this weekend.  When Bryce left Syracuse for his first major league game, the grand opening of the “Eye Black Isn’t Just For The Ultimate Warrior And Owls” store turned into a Going Out of Business sale.  When Mike Trout left Salt Lake for the Angels, Bobby Abreu’s three year Going Out of Business sale came to an abrupt end.  Bobby, “I still have some seven-pitch walks to sell!”  With Trout and Harper called up, the minor leagues were closed.   There’s no more minor leagues.  In his major league debut, Harper looked like all that and a bag of douche.  Who over the age of twelve flips their helmet off when they’re running?  Wait, is he over the age of twelve?  Definitely more auspicious of a debut than Trout’s (or is that inauspicious?).  (NSFWUYWAAPPH (Not Safe For Work Unless You Work At A Porn Production House):  In case you didn’t see it, Harper roped a double to deep center while someone behind home plate dropped their pants.  (Here’s Bryce Harper’s first major league hit in motion.)  I can’t wait to go to Cooperstown in 25 years and see Bryce Harper’s 1st major league hit.   The curator showing a group of middle school kids, “Here’s the film of Babe Ruth calling his shot and here’s Bryce Harper with a booty call.”  In 50 years, Bryce Harper showing his granddaughter, “There’s your PawPaw getting his first major league hit.”  “PawPaw, are you the one with your ass showing?”  “No, sweetheart, that’s how fans celebrated baseball players when I played.  A great time to be alive.”)  Mike Trout, nor the fans behind him, flashed anything.  Whatevs, I like him better for this year.   I went over my Mike Trout fantasy back in November and it mostly still applies.  Only thing I’d change is how many ABs I gave him there.  There I gave him 55/7/30/.270/20 in 300 ABs.  Give him 400 ABs and his stats move to 70/10/40/.275/25.  Basically what you were hoping to get from Bourjos.  That’s giddy up, the un-sarcastic  excitement.  As for Bryce Harper, I like him a lot and he’s worth grabbing.  But he’s also worth trading if you can in redraft leagues.  He hasn’t really pounded minor league pitching since last July.  There were guys on his own minor league roster that were out-performing him.  He’s going to be a great one; I’ll give him that.  I just don’t think once Morse and/or Zimmerman return he’s even going to stay in the majors.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Scott Downs – The Sciosciapath replaced Walden after one blown save.  If only he was as reactionary with over 35-year-old outfielders.  Here’s a scenario:  Downs gets five straight saves and Walden scuffles in a set-up role because his confidence is fractured after being removed from the closer role that quickly.  In that scenario, Downs stays the closer for a few months, maybe the rest of the season.  Another scenario:  Downs blows a game and Walden’s back in there after a week.  More succinctly, you need to hold both guys.  Even more succinctly, hold both.  Personally, I don’t think Sciosciapath’s move is a long-term cure for Scott Downs’ Syndrome.

Peter Bourjos – Didn’t play for the Angels yesterday because of Mike Trout.  Bourjos also didn’t play on my fantasy team, because I cut him immediately when I saw he was losing time to Trout.  Later, schmohawk!  Thanks for the month of the .167 average and 1 homer and 1 steal!   Wish I would’ve known your last name was French for “Bore the crap of youse.”

Albert Pujols – For the first time in his career, Pujols is one day away from having his first homerless month.  Like how Roger Maris’s family followed around McGwire in ’98, Juan Pierre’s family will be following around Pujols.

Kyle Lohse – 6 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Easily his worst start of the year.  Uh-oh, Mr. April may be done.  Hehe.  That’s punny!

Josh Hamilton – Left yesterday’s game with a stiff back, which is less embarrassing than a stiff front.

Tim Hudson – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. the Pirates.  Not a tough matchup, but I wouldn’t mind Hudson as a 5th fantasy starter on a team.  He usually keeps his ratios in check and does decent with Ks — or simply oK.

Jay Bruce – 4 homers in 4 straight games with yesterday’s being a slam & legs.  BRUUUUUUU + UUUUUUUUUUU + UUUUUUUUUUU = Excitement for Red Square.  Damn, was supposed to equal excitement for Reds outfielder, Jay Bruce.  Think I forgot to carry a U.

Mat Latos – 6 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners (0 Walks), 4 Ks vs. the Asstros.  Latos seems like a guy who asks you at the bar, “Did you say something to me?” like he’s picking a fight even if you didn’t say anything to him.  Not much to like about his ERA so far either (5.97).  I still want to remain patient with him.  He will get better.

Drew Smyly – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Yankees.  The Emoticon just had a most impressive start on Saturday and has his ERA down for the count of 1.23.  Last week when I said to grab him, it was a bit of a “What the hey, pick him up” waiver wire acquisition.  Now, it’s more of a “What the hey, seriously, pick him up.”  His LOB% is a bit of an eephus that’s about to get smacked, but his K-rate should prevent him from falling too hard.

David Phelps – Will take over for Freddy Garcia in the rotation.  A terrible starter being replaced by a middling middle reliever.  Phelps looks like he might have a 4-ish ERA and a 7-ish K-rate.  Wouldn’t even be news if it was for any team other than the Yankees.  Maybe the Yankees can exact some revenge and trade David Phelps to the Mariners for the rights to Jay Buhner Jr.

Robinson Cano – Batting third for the Yankees for the first month and has 4 RBIs.  Chris Davis got 4 RBIs on Saturday.  The number nine hitter for the Orioles, Andino, has 6 RBIs.  I will now put on a gorilla suit and mail myself to Africa.

Anibal Sanchez – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 14 Ks.  I heard Justin Bieber’s Boyfriend song on the radio, and I immediately thought of Anibal.  No lie.  It’s not gay since his name’s Anibal.  It’s gay that I was listening to Bieber.

Giancarlo Stanton – 1-for-4 with his 1st home run.  Is it bad I actually had to look at three different sites to make sure I was seeing right that he hit a home run?  Yeah, probably.  Now hit nine more tomorrow and we’ll be so cool again.  I’ll even massage your sore knee with my tongue.  What, it’s the strongest muscle!

Josh Johnson – 5 1/3IP, 5 ER.  Obviously got tired of that reputation that he could only pitch well when he was healthy.

Hanley Ramirez – 0-for-3; Jose Reyes – 0-for-3, as they both bat .205 on the year.  Maybe move both of them to 2nd base and let Omar Infante play shortstop and 3rd base.  I’m thinking of creative solutions; don’t kill the messenger.

Max Scherzer – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 3 Ks… Why was he pulled so early?  Oh, 14 baserunners in less than 5 innings.  Wow.  It’s nearly mathematical impossible to have 14 baserunners, only record 14 outs and only allow 3 earned runs.  I hate to give up on him and drop him to waivers, but I’d want to see at least one good start on my bench before starting him in any league.

Matt Thornton – Got the save yesterday.  My over/under for Santiago losing the job was the end of April.  Not too shabby.  Yeah, I do think Thornton takes over, at least that’s what I’ve been writing on this site that you are reading, but as of right now Ventura is still saying Santiago’s the closer.  We shall see.  Or not!  Your choice.

Gavin Floyd – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks as he took a no hitter into the 7th vs. the Red Sox.  But the Red Sox have Nick Punto, Marlon Byrd, Ryan Sweeney, Mike Aviles, Cody Ross and Kelly Shoppach in their lineup!  Somehow the Red Sox have been able to bamboozle fantasy owners into thinking they’re good, even though Sweeney, Aviles, Shoppach, Byrd, Ross and Punto are all guys coming from other teams where they were marginal starters.  Right now, the Red Sox lineup looks like cemetery of fallen fantasy value.

Jake Peavy – 9 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks.  If you Google “resurgence,” you’re going to find five articles about Jake Peavy and five about al-Qaeda.  Of those ten articles, 2 mention selling Peavy, 3 mention buying him and 10 mention injuries.

Edwin Encarnacion – Three games in a row with a homer and capped this three-peat (trademark Pat Riley) with a slam & legs yesterday.  I’m really happy for all his owners.  I’m not bitter at all.  I’ll probably get Edwin’s as-of-right-now stats (7 homers, 4 steals) from Ryan Zimmerman by August.  The RZ:  Brand new from Toyota.  Flashy exterior and tons of hype, then, as soon as you drive it off the lot, you regret the purchase and it breaks down for 5 months.

Jose Bautista – 1-for-4 with his 2nd steal as he sits on 3 homers for the year while Omar Infante struts around like Buddy Love.

Kenley Jansen – Got two saves this weekend.  Mattingly’s saying some shizz about Guerra needing a rest.  I’ll say Mattingly needs to give that a rest.  Mattingly seems like the type that can’t admit he was wrong (or so says his Rip Torn-ish looking, mugshot-taking ex-wife), so he may pull one of these deals where he never says Jansen is now the closer, but Jansen just starts getting saves until it’s obvious he’s the closer.

Chris Capuano – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks.  What’s this the longest post ever?  Maronna mia!  Yeah, I’d pick up Capuano.  Solid Ks in a good pitchers’ park.

Wade Miley – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks.  He’s pitching above his head right now.  Well, he’s not a sidearmer.  Cute, Random Italicized Voice.  I mean, he can’t keep this up.  That’s what she said!  What?  Miley has NL-Only appeal for now, but I’d be careful in mixed leagues.

Gerardo Parra – 2-for-3 with a steal.  You know who Parra is playing like right now?  A guy that is getting a chance to play and wants to prove himself, i.e., he’s building a wall of stats to fend off any other Diamondback options, a *pinkie to mouth* Parra-pet.

Patrick Corbin – He was the pitcher the Diamondbacks called up for Monday’s start, relegating Collmenter to shoveling crap out of the bullpen.  “Hey, Shaw, will you stop pooping on the bullpen mound?”  “Why, we got Collmenter now.”  That was overheard in the D-Backs bullpen this weekend.  Corbin had a solid K/BB and could surprise some major league hitters.  The downside is he’s 15 years old (22) and probably is just a placeholder for Bauer or Skaggs.  BTW, Bauer and Skaggs opened for Big & Rich.  Their big song, “Save a Morse, Ride a LaRoche.”

Dexter Fowler – At four homers, he has 2 more homers than steals.  Fowler also weighs the same as one of Stanton’s thighs.  Cust killin’ myself.

Frank Francisco – Blew the save yesterday as the closepocalypse sweeps through the Mets.  Jesse Orsoco’s house fell on top of Frank Francisco’s legs and Ram-Ram got the save.  I don’t think a change of closer is imminent here, but that’s more because the Mets’ other options haven’t been great and my brain can only compute 17 closer changes per roundup.  Overload!  Overload!  Red alert!  Let me off the closerousel!

Tim Lincecum – 8 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks cutting his ERA to about half what it was two weeks ago.  Sure, this game was against the Padres, who had one good hitter coming into this year and he’s now batting under .200 and in the 7th hole and his name rhymes with Maynotbeasgoodasyouthoughtbin, but I’m guessing it’s too late to buy low on Lincecum.

Wilson Betemit – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer in his last three games as he played third and made Reynolds’ excuse, “It’s not me, it’s 3rd base,” look bad.

Matt Garza – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 Hit, 1 Walk, 10 Ks.  You can’t spell Garza without Rza, so you know he got The W with no help from Ol’ Dirty Barney.

Grant Balfour – 0 IP, 3 ER and his 2nd blown save, Matt Capps just gives up runs for S’s and G’s and, while they might not be in the same team, Carlos Marmol seems to be picking up whatever it is that Collmenter is shoveling.  I don’t think any of them are in serious danger of losing their closer jobs (this week).  All three teams are going nowhere fast and they’d be better served to get to the trading deadline with a closer to trade.

Brandon Inge – About to sign with the A’s.  That’ll fix the A’s!  Goodbye, cellar!  There’s gotta be a Moneyball sequel with the little white kid from The Blind Side playing Inge and Don Swayze playing Billy Beane.

Bartolo Colon – 8 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Remarkable turnaround of his career continues since his fat and bone marrow stem cell surgery.  At what point does Bartolo Colon surgery become as prevalent as Tommy John surgery?  It doesn’t seem like you need an injury to get the surgery either.  Get the surgery and you’re just good.  The doctor who did the surgery is out of Boca Raton, the old Jew shuffleboard capital of the world.  Soon we’re gonna have Ira Shlomowitz and Harvey Edelbaum, once legendary mah-jong players, throwing 95 MPH, and asking the home plate ump if they can go to their mouth, not because it’s cold, but because they need to adjust their dentures.  Having their choice of teams to sign with, Ira says, “I think I’m gonna pitch for the Mariners.  Seattle has great herring.”

Anyone who’s read this site for a minute — an urbandictionary minute, which is actually a long time — knows I have love for Adam Lind.  In an age when the home run is scarce — wow, that sounded like a Ken Burns voiceover — Lind has big time power.  I’m a fan.  Have the pin that reads, “Lind-a-want-stats!”  Sorry, that’s a square pun in a round hole.  Yesterday, he went 4-for-4, 2 homers in his 2nd game back from the DL.  He can still get 30 homers and hits in the heart of a solid order.  I wouldn’t be scared of him, he might just do his best not-this-season Dunn impression.  BTW, Bautista hasn’t hit a homer in 7 games, what a loser!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Shin-Soo Choo – Says DUI is affecting play.  Assuming he doesn’t have to drive relievers in from the bullpen, I say just start drinking before games again.

Jake Peavy – 4 IP, 6 ER.  CBS reported Peavy left start with (groin).  Frankly, I’d be worried if he left a game without (groin).

Alexi Casilla – 7 for his last 11 with three steals.  The window of usability  for Casilla will probably be shorter than Intellivision’s but he’s hot and stealing bases.

Albert Pujols – Clubbed second straight walk off home run.  I know that because it was the big story on Baseball Tonight with, like, seventeen exclamation marks.  Pujols!  Rawr!  He’s back!  Did he go anywhere?  Also, since I usually just watch the games, this was the first time I saw Baseball Tonight in a few years.  I was surprised to find out Doug Glanville has a job.  You think ESPN is like, “Hey, we need a color man– I mean a color commenter–  I mean a commenter– Let’s just hire someone before we get sued.”  Also, Jayson and Laynce Nix’s sister’s got a job.  Her name is Wendi Nix and she has about as much personality as a ill-formed origami crane.  Zach Braddock didn’t have a sleeping disorder, he was just watching too much Wendi Nix.

Lance Berkman – Sat out yesterday after getting a cortisone injection in his wrist.  No more eczema for him.

Ryan Vogelsong – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks.  There’s no rhyme or reason why he should be pitching this well but like Collmenter before him, you should just ride the tiny ship in the bottle or whatever that cliché is.

Jason Hammel – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks.  He’s whatever, but this is about my trip up to San Fran this weekend.  I took in a game at Long Distance Carrier Park.  The Giants offense is pathetic.  Without Posey, Belt (out at least a month) and Sandoval, they don’t have one hitter to worry about.  They batted the Latin 37 Tejada, who’s hitting .218 with 1 home run on the year, second.  I’d throw just about any pitcher at them.  On a side note, Giants made such a big deal about Bonds and the record and sticking their heads in the sand when he was selling out their stadium.  Yet, I didn’t see one picture or mention of him anywhere inside the park.  It was like he was Keyser Söze.

Mark Reynolds – Back to back games with a homer.  All brays to Mini Donkey! (But he only has two hits in the last five games.  He’s looking less donkey and more Rob Deer.)

Chris Narveson – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, which comes after starts of 4 IP, 5 ER and 3 1/3 IP, 6 ER.  Yeah, he’s completely unownable right now.  Pretty K-rate or not.

Brandon Inge – Out with mono.  Bronson Arroyo just had mono.  Cust kayin’.

Anibal Sanchez – 5 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks.  I don’t think this means he’s done being relevant; he just wasn’t a sub-3.00 ERA pitcher to begin with.  This start did make me happy though, since I foolishly dropped him the first week of the season, and really this is all about me.

Hanley Ramirez – First, he mucks up your team for two months with poor play then he fails to go on the DL for a week.  Hanley doesn’t care about you.

Travis Wood – 4 2/3 IP, 8 ER, 13 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Like a satisfied beaver, I’m done with Wood for now.  Beaver, the animal.  Geez.  It’s with regret it had to come to this, because I do think he has great stuff, but you have to look elsewhere.  Just way too unpredictable.

Drew Stubbs – 2-for-5 with a slam & legs.  Maybe Stubbs was tending to his BBQ empire for the last few weeks, but it’s nice to have him back.

Drew Storen – 1/3 IP, 3 ER yesterday and 8 earned runs in his last 6 appearances.  Riggleman took forever to name Storen the closer but won’t take as long to remove him.  Sean Burnett would be the handcuff.

Mark Teixeira – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs with his 17th and 18th home runs.  If PABST (Post-All-Star Break’s Stats Teixeira) stays bubbling in the 2nd half as is his wont, he’s heading for an MVP year.

Matt Kemp – 2-for-3 and his 3rd home run and 8th RBI in the last two days.  His career is bouncing back a lot better than Chris Brown in the wake of a Rihanna breakup.

Vicente Padilla – Was due back but neck pain has kept him on the DL.  Who’s the Dodgers closer?  Flip a coin.

Rafael Furcal – To the DL with a strained oblique.  Vague!  I’d drop Furcal unless you have “Days on the DL” as a category in your league.

C.J. Wilson – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks.  To be honest, I have a blind spot, middle relievers that become starters.  At this point, if they convert LaTroy Hawkins to a starter, I’m gonna throw my hands in the air and say he’ll be great.

Mitch Moreland – 2-for-4 with his 8th home run as he bats .313 on the year.   I’d love to push him more, but he’s a platoon guy at this point.  He either doesn’t play vs. lefties or doesn’t hit them, which hurts his counting stats (on pace for around 60 RBIs on the year).

Jonathan Papelbon – Daniel Bard got the save yesterday after Papelbon lost his shizz on Saturday with a three run third of an inning and bumped the umpire.  Now Papelbon might get punished by the league.  I’d fine any goofy white guy for chest bumping too.

Joakim Soria – A clean outing or two away from reclaiming the closer job.  Makes sense in a non-sarcastic way.

Jordan Lyles – 4 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Sure be easier to say I don’t like him if he were to give up like 12 baserunners or something.  Well, due to the inexperience and the Astros behind him, you have to be careful starting him in any mixed leagues right now.

Mark Trumbo – Hit his 11th home run and stole his 6th base.  How does he have only 2 less steals than Bourjos?  Not rhetorical!

Carlos Beltran – Left the game after fouling a ball off his ankle.  He’ll probably miss two months.  I’m only half joking.

Miguel Olivo – It’s with much regret I inform you that Olivo now has three homers in three straight games.  I don’t have anything against Olivo per se, but I know as soon as I write Olivo hits them in bunches like he’s dating the Chiquita Banana lady people are gonna come out of the woodwork in the comments asking if they should lose their catcher for Olivo.

Evan Longoria – Rested on Sunday and will return Monday.  Sounds like someone has a God complex.

Kyle Drabek, the Blue Jays top pitching prospect, was called up to start on Wednesday vs. the O’s.  Kyle Drabek is 24th on the top 50 prospects for fantasy baseball.  He has top of the rotation stuff and a good pedigree with his dad being the former Cy Young winner, Doug.  Or Guod if you’re dyslexic.  Or “Hey, look a bird,” if you have ADHD.  Well… Kyle Drabek had top of the rotation stuff.  Now he looks closer to a number 2 or 3.  His strikeout rate went from 10+ K/9 in A to 7+ in Double-A.  Word on the street is his velocity is down.  He’s obviously too young to write off.  Velocity could return with the gaudy Ks.  In keepers, I’d grab him in AL-Only, obviously.  In mixed league keepers, it needs to be deep for him to have any real value.  For this year, I’d be very cautious about starting him anywhere.  In his first two starts, he gets the M’s and O’s, or the Mo’s.  Not bad matchups, but starting rookie pitchers in the final weeks of the season is asking for trouble.  You just have no idea what he’s going to do in his cup of coffee, he may or may not get creamed.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Adam Lind – 1-for-2 with 22nd homer.  I’m sorry, I will like him again next year.  I’ll love him if he can train with the guy who trained Zobrist in the winter of 2009 and Bautista last winter.

Desmond Jennings – 2-for-4 with his 1st steal in his 2nd start.  Unfortunately, it’s taken two weeks to get two starts.  If there’s any sorta keeper league where he’s available, you must own him.  Or my name isn’t Grey Posdnuos Albright.

Jay Gibbons – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer in the last 3 days.  Crazy as this is, he’s the hottest Dodger hitter.  They should show him jumping around on the Jumbotron and call him, The Rally Honkey.

Casey Coleman – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks.  That’s nice, he’s still unownable.

Brennan Boesch – 0-for-1 with 2 steals.  What the– Oh, Jake Fox was catching for the O’s.  Unathletic like a Fox!

Brandon Inge – 2-for-4 with his 2nd homer in the last week.  In that time, he has a hit in all but one game and a steal.  Wouldn’t say he’s the most exciting pickup, but what’s Pablo Sandoval doing right now?  Yup.

Brayan Pena – 2-for-3 with a homer.  Now hitting near-.400 in the last week as he plays every day with Kendall’s shoulder mercifully letting the Royals go younger.  Pena has little power, but he’s never hit below .300 in 4 seasons of the minors.

Paul Konerko – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs with his 35th and 36th homers.  He’s also hitting .322.  Tomorrow… lassoing the moon!

Andres Torres – Going to miss about two weeks with an appendectomy.  When doctors said Torres is going to have something useless removed from his body, everyone in the Giants’ clubhouse thought the same thing, “What is Aaron Rowand doing in Torres’ body?”

Mat Latos – 4 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Not sure who’s madder, his H2H owners for him picking the worst time to be terrible or the Padres fans… Actually, I’ve only heard Padre fans existed, I’ve never met any.

Chris Young – Threw 5 2/3 IP in rehab.  He K’d Lindsay Lohan twice.  The Padres will be happy to get Young back.  Someone put the Tinactin on the top shelf and no one can reach it.  Also, the Padres could use an innings eater.  If Young gets starts, which I think he will, he’ll be worth using depending on the matchup.

Ian Kennedy – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  He now has a month of quality starts under his belt (and shot an elephant in his pajamas).  Kennedy gets the Pirates next.  That’s a “Yes,” and “Please.”

Justin Upton – Diamondbacks are shooting for an early this week return for J-Upside.  Keep in mind that if one setback occurs, they’re not going to risk Upton’s future.

Milton Bradley – Shutdown for the season.  Backdate that to March.

Josh Johnson – Didn’t need to be Nancy Reagan’s astrologer to see this one coming.  Johnson’s not coming back this year.

Emilio Bonifacio – 3-for-4 with a steal.  He’s now batting around .500 in the last week with three steals in the last three games.  Bonifacio’s capable of about a two week hot streak.  I’d get aboard in all leagues for the next week.

Mike Stanton – 3-for-4 with 2 more homers to bring his season total to 20 in 291 ABs.  Bill James’ 2011 projection for him will be… 40 homers?  42?  45?

Clay Hensley – Three games, three saves.  Should you pick him up?  Do your pits smell like onions?

Cliff Lee – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. the Yankees.  Nice audition, but Yankee rotation casting callbacks won’t happen until December.

Elvis Andrus – 1-for-3 with his 3rd steal in the last week.  Borbon has 2 steals in the last ten games.  Maybe Washington finally cut the brake line.

Josh Hamilton – MRI showed he has bruised ribs.  Yeah, no shizz.  Still no word when he’ll return, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s not until the final week of the season.  Baby’s black balloon deflates.

Jordan Zimmermann – 3 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 1 K vs. the Marlins.  That’s so bad I wouldn’t start him anywhere the rest of the year unless your shituation was dire.  I mean, c’mon, Charlie Hough wearing a Wolverine Mechanical Claw from Toys R Us could strike out more Marlins.

Raul Ibanez - Hit a homer yesterday and is batting over .400 in the last week.  Giraffe’s gestation period is shorter than it took Ibanez to get hot, but he’s there now.

Jimmy Rollins – Went for an MRI on his hammy while his owners feel like they got a yearlong whammy.

Johan Santana – No disrespect to our Al-Qaeda readers, but you had to be in a cave if you didn’t hear Johan’s headed for shoulder surgery.  He may not even be able to make it back for the beginning of next season.  Sounds a lot like Brandon Webb from this past preseason.  Knowing the Mets, it’ll be announced that Johan will return by April 15th then he won’t pitch until July.  I’m sure January Grey will have his take in the 2011 rankings.  January Grey, “Stop with all the pressure!”

Coco Crisp – Has 7 steals in the last 4 games (6 steals against the Red Sox in the last three).  Hello, V-Mart.  Goodbye, 1st base.

Josh Beckett – 6 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Now has a 5.38 ERA on the year.  His FIP is over a run under his ERA and his K-rate is over 8.  It may not be glamorous to say, but I could see Red State Jeter having a bounce back next year.

Dan Haren – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Has a 3.04 ERA with the Angels.  Looks like he’s finally figured how to combat the 2nd half swoon.  Just pitch terribly in the 1st half.  Okay, close your eyes for a second.  Don’t worry, I won’t pickpocket you.  Now imagine Haren has a good 1st and 2nd half.  Ahh…

Hideki Matsui – 1-for-3 yesterday, hitting near-.450 over the last week with pop.  He then wrote a thought bubble above his wife that read, “Godzilla is so dreamy!”

J.P. Arencibia was called up by the Buckless Jays.  In Triple-A, Arencibia hit 31 homers in 379 ABs.  That’s-a one spicy prospect!  To go all Latin America on you, there’s a caveat.  That was in the PCL, which is like playing on the moon with an aluminum bat.  He’s not quite the prospect of Wieters, Posey or Carlos Santana, pre-Kalish yelling at him, “Eat everything off your plate!”  I’d pick up Arencibia if you just lost Santana or if you’re just hurting at catcher, in general.  Conservatively, I’d give him 6 homers and a terrible average.  But he’s capable of more and that’s why you grab him.  When we’re dealing with such short sample sizes as the final two months, it’s worth the flyer to see if he surprises with an extended hot streak.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Carlos Zambrano – Will return to the Cubs rotation on Monday vs. the Giants.  Assuming the uneasy truce between Big Z, Derrek Lee and the Gatorade cooler sticks.

Kris Medlen – Left the game with an injury to the ulnar collateral ligament.  That’s longhand for ‘trouble.’  He’s droppable in all mixed leagues.

Carlos Pena – Has a tear in his plantar fascia, which sounds like the color your wife wants to paint the bathroom.  Right now, I’m trying to decide between Warm Khaki and Plantar Fascia for my kitchen. That’s nice, random italicized voice.  Pena hopes to be back by this weekend.  We shall see.  Or not.  Your choice.

David Price – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, but didn’t get the win because Scott Baker decided to show up (8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks).  Even when Baker isn’t hurting me, he’s hurting me.

Matt Capps – Blew the save yesterday.  Storen was good but young, Clippard was a mess at times, Burnett’s a lefty.  I.e., Capps was pretty secure in Washington.  The Twins are trying to win a division and Rauch casts a very long shadow, which is only partially because he’s eight feet tall.

Carlos Gonzalez – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and two homers.  Go back and read this.  I’m a genius!  (Even though I always need my spellchecker to spell genius.  Genuis just looks better, sioux me.)

Geovany Soto – 3-for-5, 5 RBIs and his 15th homer.  He does it again!

Brett Anderson – 7 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Not sure what his deal was last time out when he was rocked, but so far when Anderson has been healthy, he’s been excellent.  No reason I see that changing.  Health’s the issue, not stuff.

Michael Wuertz – Got the 1-2-3 save.  I might be making this up, but I think this is the first time all year that I’ve grabbed a guy for vulture saves and I actually got a clean save out of it.

Ervin Santana – 3 2/3 IP, 9 ER, 14 baserunners, 4 Ks.  I’ve been Pwnson’d!

Peter Bourjos – 2-for-4 with a steal.  He’s alive with SAGNOF.  On Bill James’ Speed Score, where 5 is average, Bourjos turns it to an 11.  Actually, that’s a lie.  He’s probably a 9.  Carl Crawford leads the majors with an 8.7.  Bourjos just ran into your room, mussed your hair, re-combed it to exactly the same place and left the room before you even noticed.

Luke Scott – Guess what he did again.  Go ahead, guess.  I’ll wait.  Nope, didn’t steal a base.  No, he didn’t hit for the cycle.  No, he didn’t walk your dog for you.  How would he even get in your house?  He homered!  Again.

Alfredo Simon – 1 IP, 1 ER and the save.  I guess Mike G.’s going to be the closer again.  Any day now, Buck.

Justin Masterson – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks vs. the Red Sox.  Nice to see Justin Masterson:  Passive Aggressive Fantasy Starter make another appearance.

Russell Martin – To the DL with a tear in his hip.  I think the same thing happened to Larry King.  Russell Martin may need to wear suspenders.

Vicente Padilla – 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks.  I know it’s weird that you should own Padilla, but you really should own Padilla.

Mike Stanton – Hit his 10th homer in 170 ABs.  In 500 ABs, that’s a nice handful of homers.  Not talking this year.  I’m talking 2011.  I cannot wait for Bill James’ Stanton projections in November.  At least 35 homers and 7 steals.

Paul Konerko – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer in the last ten games.  He goes crazy hot or crazy cold.  He’s yes or he’s no.  He’s in or he’s out.  He’s up or he’s down.

Edwin Jackson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners (only one walk), 6 Ks.  You’d think the Tigers would know to be a little more patient with Jackson.  I still wouldn’t grab Edwin in roto leagues, but he gets the Suckie-O’s next.  That’s a decent gamble in H2H leagues.

Brandon Inge – 3-for-4 in his return to the lineup.  That was quick.  He had a broken bone in his hand and was supposed to miss six weeks.  That was two weeks ago.  If he only had as much ability as he has desire to play or have books read to him.

Adam Dunn – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs, 2 homers.  You can’t spell Big Donkey without donk.  It’s a fact.

Kila Ka’aihue – He got the start.  It’s a celebration, snitches!  He went 1-for-4 with a strikeout.  It’s a bittersweet celebration.  Here’s what Stephen said earlier in the year, “The power is legit.  If given the chance at full playing time, the Royals could have a 25 homer, .400 OBP first baseman/DH.”  And that’s me cutting and pasting Stephen!  I agree, and I like Kila if the peasant Royals play him.  Ka’aihue is a total masher, poi.  Unfortunately, I think the Royals would prefer to play old ‘n dusty Jose Guillen.

Johnny Cueto – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Last year, he was dreckitude in the 2nd half.  This year he had a 5.33 ERA in April and 2.88 since.  He’s in a good divison.  Pittsburgh, Houston… Cards aren’t even that good.  Pujols, Holliday, then ‘Ooh, I’m scared, it’s Jon Jay.’

Juan Francisco – 3-for-5 as he got the start while Rolen rested.  Hard to recommend him in redraft, mixed leagues because he doesn’t have an every day job, but in keepers and NL-Only leagues go to it.

Mike Sweeney – Phillies acquired him for cash from the M’s.  The cash was said to be in the twelve hundred dollar range, but the Phillies used a Bed, Bath & Beyond 20% off coupon, so it came out to less.  Sweeney will play every day at first while Howard mends.  Sweeney’s only for the very³ desperate.

Travis Snider – 0-for-5 as he hit leadoff.  Hey, I’m excited about the prospects of Snider as anyone.  But leadoff?  Really?  Guess Gaston looks at his lineup and sees nine different six hole hitters and pulls a name out of a hat.

Chris Johnson – 1-for-3 with another homer.  Why haven’t you picked him up yet?  Afraid of success?  That’s what your girlfriend says about you behind your back.

J.A. Happ – 1 IP, 7 ER.  The Astros got Jokey Smurf’d.

Phil Hughes – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Has now only pitched past the 6th inning once in his last three starts.  His June ERA was 5.17 and 5.52 in July.  Who else do you have on your team for name recognition?  Glass Chipper?  The Glue Formerly Known As El Caballo?

Derek Jeter – 4-for-4, 3 Runs.  Pretty disappointing year for Jeter.  Blame the ground balls.  He’s at 67% for balls hit on the ground.  The next closest person is Juan Pierre at 61.5%.  No one has come close to leading the league at that high of a percentage since Luis Castillo hit 66% in 2007.  And that’s not even a fair comparison because Castillo hit some fly balls that just didn’t reach the pitcher in the air.

Alex Rodriguez – Became the fastest player to 600 home runs.  Was also the fastest player to frost his tips blonde, to get the names Brandon and Bronson mixed up, to press charges against Selena Roberts, to ask Joba “How’s your Mom?” while she sat in a Nebraska prison, to tell Girardi his braces “are really cool,” to say to Brain Cashman, “Where’s the Cash, man?!” then laugh hysterically and, finally, A-Rod was the fastest player to prematurely ejaculate into Madonna.

Scott Rolen says he’s going to try to avoid the DL because of his hamstring.  Dusty said, “Too bad he can’t pitch because they don’t use their legs.  Except in soccer.”  It doesn’t sound too promising for Rolen.  Injuries are old hat for Rolen.  He makes everyone else besides Glass Chipper seem healthy.   On top of the injury, Rolen was hitting .182 in July with zero homers.  If I owned him, I’d hope he went to the DL, so I can store him on my DL while grabbing another player.  Either way, I’d start making other plans because a Rolen that’s playing injured isn’t an exciting hitter to have on your team.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Drew Stubbs – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 18th steal to go along with his 13 homers.  He’s batting .500 over the last week and has been valuable the whole year, even with the ridiculous amount of strikeouts.  Would’ve been a good player to fingercuff.

Jonny Gomes – 3-for-4, 3 Runs and his 2nd home run in the last three games.  The Reds are 2nd in the majors with home, er, homers and top five in hitting overall.  If you want to know how the Blue Jays would be if they were in the NL Central, look no further.

Dexter Fowler – Didn’t start in yesterday’s game and was seen icing his knee.  Who does he think he is, Duff Goldman?

Ubaldo Jimenez – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks.  You’re feeling a little silly if back in May you named your kid, Ubaldo.

Troy Tulowitzki – Could return as soon as next Wednesday.  I was trying to acquire him last week, but wasn’t able to.  Maybe you give it a whirlski?

Mike Stanton – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer.  Still only batting .235 on the year, but watching him hit makes me think he can be a 30 homer guy as early as next year.  Yes, at 21.  Could be a great one for a long time.

Brandon Inge – Out for 4-6 weeks with a broken pinkie.  Inky, Blinky and Clyde are said to be fine.  The other day I was just thinking to myself that I can’t believe I have Inge on a team considering how yawnstipating he’s been this year.  Way to kick me in the ass to look for something better on waivers.  Now if only Chone Figgins would get knocked out for 6 weeks too.

Roy Oswalt – Says he’ll make his next start.  To read between the words, he’s saying, “God, yes, I’m healthy, now someone please trade for me.”

Wade Davis – 8 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Now has back-to-back quality starts after rumors started flying that Hellickson would be called up to replace him.  Guess he needed Hellickson to light a fire under him.  (<–sorta pun!  You know, fire under him… Hellickson… Yeah, if you have to explain it, you probably shouldn’t bother.)  On a more serious note, Davis has been terrible this year.  An under 6 K/9, around a 4 BB/9.  Really uninspiring numbers.  Will be hard to recommend him next year if he doesn’t step up his game.

Evan Longoria – 3-for-5 with his 14th steal to go along with his 13 homers.  Wait, I know this one!  That’s David Wright!  Pretty cool impersonation.  Okay, Victorino’s out-homering you, how about you start hitting some home runs?  Thank you.

Yunel Escobar – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer in two games.  After the game, he dedicated today’s home run to ‘the Cox that said I don’t care.’  Yes, you should pick up Yunel.  Never underestimate a talented, unmotivated guy who’s suddenly motivated.  See contract years of Beltre and brief moments of sanity by Milton Bradley.

Daniel Hudson – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Now has 10 Ks in 10 2/3 innings, but he’s giving up far too many baserunners.  If this wasn’t the M’s in Safeco (the worst home hitting team in the majors), I’d consider it a bigger step in the right direction.  BTW, Daniel’s middle name is Clairborne.  Hehe…  Dork!

Aramis Ramirez – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs with his 12th home run.  See what he’s doing now?  He’s roping you in for next year.  I can see it already.  Random fantasy ‘pert, “Blah blah blah A-Ram’s 2nd half numbers blah blah blah.”

Carlos Silva – 1 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners.  I think if I were selling my soul, I would’ve asked to be good for the whole season instead of just the 1st half.

Mark Reynolds – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 21st homer as Ian Stewart also went yard for his 12th homer.  Winning Daily Double Donkey Day tickets can now be redeemed.

Scott Baker – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER, 13 baserunners, 1 K.  Nice that Hubert H. Homerfree Retrodome is pitching friendly for the visitors.  Just swell.  Bravo on a terrific season, Baker.  Please take a lap around the puma cage at your local zoo.

Miguel Cabrera – 3-for-6 with 2 homers.  How funny will it be if Soberera misses out on the Triple Crown because Bautista leads the league in homers?

Brennan Boesch – 1-for-7.  He was in last week’s Sell.  Yup.

Nelson Cruz – 3-for-6, 4 RBIs with his 12th homer and 11th steal.  Personally, I’m just happy any day he’s healthy.  All you have to do is show up in the Rangers lineup and you get a few RBIs and Runs.  Well, except for…

Chris Davis – 0-for-7.  Ticker two seasons!  When can we just lump him in with Chris Shelton?  I’m not bluffin’ on Davis’ nothin’.

Chris Johnson – 3-for-5 with his first career homer.  Now has a four game hitting streak, and he’s playing every day.  I wouldn’t go near him yet in anything but deep leagues, but he’s worth watching.

Jon Rauch – 1 IP, 2 ER.  Now back-to-back Kazaams!

Justin Morneau – Will miss another week of games due to his concussion, but the Twins aren’t sure as Gardenhire said, “No one knows.  The doctors can only guess too.”  If I had known guessing was all that was involved, I would’ve stuck the course with pre-med.  Another thing I wish someone told me.

Ryan Sweeney – Tough blow for the A’s as they lose their number three hitter to season-ending surgery.  He was on pace for 2 homers, 0 steals and 50 RBIs.  Okay, all kidding aside, but was he on pace to be the worst three hitter in the history of the game?

Chris Capuano – 5 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. a Dreadless Pirate lineup.  I see you moving your cursor towards picking up Capuano.  Stop and back away from your computer.  Go splash some coffee on your face.  You’re sleepwalking.

Prince Fielder – 1-for-4 with his third homer in 3 games.  Last week I traded for Fielder in a league where I needed power.  I sent Berkman and The Adverb for Chubb Rock and Ben Sheets.  Not exactly a humdinger.  Really a needs trade.  I needs me some power and the other guy needs him some pitching.  First time I’ve owned Sheets in probably four years.  If it wasn’t a 20 team league, I would’ve dropped him.  I benched him yesterday, if you’re keeping score during this roundup.

Madison Bumgarner – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Doesn’t his name sound made up?  Like it’s a gag name Bart Simpson would have Moe announce to the bar.

Manny Ramirez – Headed for another MRI and might need to go back to the DL.  Don’t even tell me Vladimir Shpunt is a quack.

James McDonald – 5 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners, 5 Ks.  He should be able to strikeout around 8 K/9, but he had a 4+ ERA in the minors this year.  I wouldn’t expect him to do better in La La Land.  Could be a decent gamble in H2H and NL-Only leagues, but I’d hold off for now in roto mixed leagues.

Jose Reyes – 2-for-5 as the Mets announced Reyes is only a few days away from returning.

Mike Pelfrey – 1 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 9 baserunners, 1 K.  As I said three weeks ago, “I just popped a zit in the mirror and spelled out, “You can probably do better than Pelfrey.””  And that’s me quoting my zit!

Jayson Nix – 3-for-6, 2 RBIs while Jason Donald went 2-for-5 with 2 RBIs as they battle it out to see who sits when Asdrubal returns.  You can stack Nix vs. Donald right up there with some of the classic battles of all-time like Ali vs. Frazier or Sam vs. Frasier.