Carlos Ruiz set to return from his suspension next week for testing positive for the ADHD drug, Adderall. He had this to say, “I look forward to getting back on the field–Hey, you ever wax your legs? I don’t mean remove the hair, I mean step into one of those vats of wax they have at carnivals that people put their hands in. It’s really cool! I have a rainbow wax leg! Like I was saying, I foolishly took a drug that is meant for people with ADHD– You think the Fonz can pound the wall to make my iPhone turn on? I dropped it into the toilet. You know, I wish butterflies and cows had babies cause I like butter on my steak. Ruth’s Chris does it right! Adderall is a very serious drug, and it should not be abused– When’s The Voice on? Monday? Is it Monday yet? Now? Now? Now?” So, Ruiz was wrong for taking Adderall as he obviously isn’t afflicted with ADHD. Last year in 114 games, he hit 16 homers and .325 with 4 steals. As of right now, he’s owned in less than 5% of leagues. If you’re struggling at catcher, it’s worth taking a flyer on him now. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Derek Jeter screams “Ankle!” Yanks scream “Uncle!” Well, you know you can’t spell “My ankle” without Minka Kelly. She couldn’t stop at just Jason Street, could she? Minka used to love his enlarged pro stats. Oh, well, let the haters hate, right, Minka? I hear ya, girl. A’la Clubber Lang, “Let me know if you want a real, mustachioed man!” On a funny somewhat related story, about a year ago I was at Kennedy Airport, right in front of me in line at Starbucks was Minka Kelly. I couldn’t care less about the Yankees, but I know what part to play in what situations to be the most obnoxious. So, with my best heavy New York accent, I said, “You better not break Jeter’s heart like you did to Jason Street.” She looked like she wanted to blow a rape whistle. So, it was announced Pasta Diving Jeter would not be returning until after the All-Star Break. If you draft guys based on the “I’d Do Him” scale, you just got screwed, so this is bittersweet. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
The fantasy gods can be a cruel mistress, and after dealing a crushing blow Thursday night in a frustrating (ie stupid) brawl-induced injury, taking Zack Greinke from us, the gods have claimed their next victim, another newly acquired player and top fantasy shortstop, Jose Reyes.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Gattis, Gattis, who the eff is Gattis? He wandered the streets asking that exact same question to everyone he came upon. Spiritual advisors, ski instructors, girls who smelled of patchouli and had dreadlocks. WHO THE F IS GATTIS? Because I’m a glutton for punishment and endless catcher questions, here we are again with me recommending a catcher. Evan Gattis, the man who once lived in the adult section of a video store. The man who once dug through Mario Batali’s trash cans for a pair of used Crocs. The man who didn’t remember how he got where he was, but when he was there it sure made him happy. Gattis is like the homeless man on Robertson Blvd., who was drafted by the Royals, but this story has a happy ending.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Yost would tell you that Holland is still the closer, but Kelvin Herrera should be the closer in KC. No, there’s no official closer change, but it’s obvious. You really only had to watch the last two games for confirmation, and Malcolm Gladwell would tell you to Blink. In his last game, Holland took the save to the very brink. Herrera had opposing hitters’ bats in the clink. In my daily diet, I eat mutton, it’s high in zinc. I call my therapist, Saran, and this is my shrink…rap! Sorry, I just mentally transported back to my days of Bum wine and roses when I thought I was black and I’d start freestyling. Every teenager who thinks they’re cool right now, so did I and now I’m a fantasy baseball blogger. Muahahahahaha… So, what I began saying was Yost can say whatever he wants on the Royals closer situation, but Herrera is the better pitcher right now, and he could be a Donkeycorn by the middle of May. I would continue to hold Holland, but Kelvin should be owned, as well. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
So this is weird, but the top 20 shortstops for 2013 fantasy baseball are deeper than the top 20 2nd basemen for 2013 fantasy baseball. Here, my new favorite BFF, Josh Rutledge, is ranked 10th. On the 2nd basemen post he was ranked 8th. The middle tiers for the shortstops goes on forever, then it falls off a cliff, ending with a Cliff. (Symmetry points!) For those in leagues with a middle infidel, you have the answer to where you are drafting that slot from. Up until last year, I usually gave shortstops the short end of the stick with my drafting. I’d grab one late and that was that. I still don’t see any way I’m drafting a top shortstop. I honestly can’t remember the last time I drafted a 1st or 2nd round shortstop, and I play in about ten leagues per year. I could see grabbing one or even two from the 4th ranked guy here until the 19th ranked guy, where I’ll probably only have one 2nd baseman. Last year it was the opposite. As with the other top 20 rankings, I point out where I think tiers start and stop and my projections. All the 2013 fantasy baseball rankings can be found under that thing that says 2013 fantasy baseball rankings. Unsuccinct! Anyway, here’s the top 20 shortstops for 2013 fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Sometimes there’s a game with so much fantasy goodness, a game with so many notable nights for so many fantasy-relevant stars, that it’s almost overwhelming to choose which players to single out. Last night, the Braves came back from 9 runs down to complete their biggest comeback since 1987 and pull within 2 1/2 of the first place Nats, winning the game 11-10.Please, blog, may I have some more?
News comes that Dustin Pedroia might need surgery on his knee that could sideline him for at least a month. Knee surgery sounds like something that sidelines people for multiple months, even Sparky Anklebiters. Though sometimes Sparky Anklebiters can get so amped with leave-it-all-on-the-fieldness that they lose sight of the big picture and rush back too soon. You know, they try to chew through the cone around their head and don’t heal properly. We know you’re scrappy, Dustin, stop biting on your paw! If he rushes and comes back in July, then he could miss a few more weeks with a setback. Basically, what I’m saying is, you want him to just get sidelined for two months and come back healthy in August. It’s not like what he was giving you now can’t be replaced. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Anthony Rizzo – The San Diego Padres have something to be excited about. No, Tony Gwynn didn’t announce he’s becoming a competitive eater. No, they didn’t put a giant afro on the Western Metal Supply Co.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Matt Joyce a sell? Now I will bite my lip and try not to sob. Quiet, gentle sobs that Joyce used to assuage. Joyce and I had something together that no one else can understand. Well, maybe some of you that also own him can understand it, but the rest of you never will. We shared moments that can only be explained by watching an Ecuadorian couple that has been married for 60 years sharing a mango on a park bench. That’s what we had! Picture, if you will, a giant mustache wrapped like a shawl around Matt Joyce’s shoulders. We were that inseparable for about six weeks. I own Joyce all over the place and he’s about the only hitter I have playing over his head. Alas, playing over his head is the problem with Joyce, to DeWitt. His BABIP is absurd; he’s a .270 hitter currently hitting .360. He’s sandwiched between Votto and Miguel Cabrera on ESPN’s Player Rater. That’s crazy. I know I told everyone to grab him back in April, but he’s not this good. Humble brag! He’s never had more than 5 hits vs.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Yesterday, Joakim Soria lost the closer job yesterday to Aaron Crow. Yeah, and pigeons fly. Wait, they do. Wait II, The Return of Wait, maybe that makes sense. Yeah, I think it does. Thank you, left side of the brain for working with the right side. Glad you’re talking again. You guys rock! The ax falling on The Mexicutioner was a long time coming. He only had one save in May and had given up 7 runs in 9 1/3 IP. He wasn’t much better in April. In June, he could get the job back. Your deity of choice knows that Aaron Crow isn’t really all that great but he is the guy for right now. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Alfonso Soriano – With yesterday’s game with a strained quad. He’ll probably go to the DL by the time you read this, assuming you dinnit stay up to read this at 12:26 AM PST when it was posted. (BTW, Didn’t and I went our separate ways. It’s now dinnit or bust. Don’t, you’re on notice!)
Tony Campana – Yesterday, he had 4 steals (on only one hit!). I’d like to introduce Campana to my right clickie finger that picks players off waivers. In the minors, he showed bonkers speed.Please, blog, may I have some more?