Fantasy Baseball Advice

The other day I was feeling tired but not tired like I could sleep but tired like I wanted to lie in bed and have Rudy read me a bedtime story.  So here’s what Rudy read to me, “Once upon a time, a very long time ago now, about last Friday, Neftali Feliz was the best closer in the major leagues.  Then there was a buzzing noise.  This buzzing noise meant something.  You don’t get a buzzing noise like that, just buzzing and buzzing, without it meaning something.  If there’s a buzzing noise, somebody’s making a buzzing noise, and the only reason for making a buzzing noise that I know of is because you’re a save vulture about to pick up Darren Oliver.”  “Rudy, why do the save vultures want Darren Oliver?”  “The  only reason for being a save vulture that I know of is for stealing saves from closer carcasses and right now Neftali is a carcass for the next two weeks.”  “But, Rudy, I own Neftali Feliz in a lot of leagues.  In fact, he’s been my best pitcher in a lot of those leagues.”  Long pause.  “Grey, I’m going to read you a different story.  I call this one, ‘Arthur Rhodes Will Steal Some Situational Saves from Darren Oliver.’”  Anyway, here’s what else I saw in fantasy baseball this weekend:

Ryan Madson – Jose Contreras, the Phillies closer and AARP Man of the Month of April, is headed to the DL.  I’d grab Madson everywhere (shoot, I think I already owned him in some leagues), but keep it in mind that he is a Cuddle Boy.  Speaking of which, can he enter the ninth inning with James Ingram’s Just Once playing?  That would be so awesome.  On the Jumbotron, a montage of the last scenes from The Last American Virgin could be playing, but instead of the kid paying for an abortion and driving home crying, it’s the Philliebot.

Roy Halladay – 8 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 14 Ks.  Sure, but he didn’t have to face the Padres best hitter, Nick Hundley.

Albert Pujols – Left the game with tightness in his hamstring.  Day-to-day as of this writing.  Or D2D, if you like these things to look like R&B groups.

Max Scherzer – 8 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks.  I think I was supposed to draft Max Scherzer, The Nazi Killer, on at least one team.  What happened to that?  Or as Al Capps would say, “WHY DIDN’T THAT HAPPEN?!”

Ryan Raburn – You gave up on him.  Yeah, you did.  Okay, lie to yourself.  Either way, he’s playing every day and he hit 2 homers in the last four games.

Darwin Barney – 2-for-5 yesterday and hitting .329 so far.  He has no homers and 1 steal on the year.  Is he doing more than the middle infielder schmohawk behind door number #1?  Yeah, probably, but don’t get carried away.

Matt Kemp – 2-for-5, batting .402, 5 homers and 8 steals, not in just this game that would’ve been a record, except for a few games there in the early 2000s when Bonds was shooting up.  Kemp is on some kind of mission to prove he doesn’t need Torre, an owner or a woman to get the job done.  Doing work, son.  I like to think right now Kemp is in the locker room talking about himself in third person and wearing a kaftan.  Why?  Because he can!

Andre Ethier – I think he’s hit in every game this season.  So far I’m like 0-for-schmohawks with my overrated posts, but the season is young like Delmon.

John Lackey – 8 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. the Los Angeles Angels of Not-Los Angeles County.  Maybe Lackey was pumped to face his old team, I don’t know.  I wouldn’t own him with your team.

Carl Crawford – 2-for-4 and a home run.  After the game, Crawford said he totally overslept his alarm clock by three and a half weeks.  Oopsie!

Randy Wolf – 8 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks.  I kinda don’t even want to talk about Wolf right now because he’s carrying our supposed-to-be-Gallardo-led LABR staff.

Rickie Weeks – Returned from a hand thingie-ma-whosie and hit a homer.  Appropriate of nothing… For some reason, I see Rickie Weeks singing the lyrics, “Felt on the big fat fanny,” louder than all the other words in It Was A Good Day.

Mike Aviles – Had the AYCE Slam & Legs yesterday when he gobbled down two homers and a steal.  Don’t like Aviles, but this could be the start of a hot streak.  If you’re hurting at middle infield, I’m not above picking up someone I don’t like.

Jeff Francoeur – 1-for-3 with a Freedom Fly.  He was a Buy in Friday’s post that I wrote while burping ulcer bile caused by my family visiting.

Mike Napoli – Now has 5 homers in 32 at-bats.  He now has more homers than games started.

Nelson Cruz – 1-for-4, 3 Ks and hitting .247 on the year.  Wait, wasn’t he supposed to win the MVP after the first week of the season?  Sonavathelastthreeweeks!

Danny Espinosa – He was one of our favorite MI sleepers coming into the season as he’s shown 20/20 potential and solid job security.  The biggest negatives were AVG (over/under at .245) and lineup position (which drives Runs/RBIs).  The AVG concerns aren’t going anywhere but he’s been hitting leadoff this week which should help his Runs and SB attempts.  He finally got his first SB on Sunday and wouldn’t be surprised if he goes on a streak like his MI-mate Ian Desmond.

Michael Morse – 6 for his last 16 with a homer yesterday.  Maybe it just took him a while to step up to the immense sleeper potential put on him.  (<–not sarcastic!)

Ben Zobrist – 2-for-4 with his 5th homer and 2nd homer in two games.  If a mohel in your league circumcised Zobrist from their team a little too quickly, you should grab him.

James Shields – 9 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks.  ERA is now at 2.35 on the year.  Yeah, he’s bouncing back.  I’d start him every time out sans hesitation.  Or sansitation, for those that enjoy a good portmanteau.

Ricky Romero – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks and has an ERA of 3.00.  I feel like I was supposed to own him too.  Why do I not own any of the breakout guys that I wanted that are doing good but own all the potential breakout guys that aren’t doing well?  Why do you make me suffer Fantasy Gods?

Brandon Morrow – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks.  The sun did come out for Morrow.  Bet your bottom dollar!

Brett Cecil – Demoted to Triple-A not because he threw tantrums in the dugout.  But because he threw tantrums in the dugout after not pitching well.  Throw a tantrum after pitching well and you’re labeled eccentric and awesome.

Aaron Hill – Finally goes on DL after almost a whole week of waitin’ and seein’.  Evidently, the Blue Jays are playing in a weekly league vs. a daily league.

Curtis Granderson – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer.  I told you he was a great guy to draft…Only I told you about 13 months too early.  Excuse me if you can’t handle my prescience.

Derek Jeter – 4-for-6 to raise his average .257.  Not a huge fan, but I did almost make Jeter a Buy on Friday.  He’s not done done, just not the Pasta Diving Jeter he once was.

Chipper Jones – Glass Chipper has pain in his right knee.  His left knee said, “Join the club!”

Brandon Beachy – 6 IP, 2 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Beachy didn’t leave many stranded.

Brett Anderson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Another guy I loved in the preseason that I should own everywhere, yet don’t.  Dubya tee eff, doode, dubya tee eff.

Brad Ziegler – Attributes his early success with his new diet that includes drinking soy milk.  Luckily he didn’t start drinking V-8 as that might jeopardize his pitching motion.

Anibal Sanchez – Took a no-hitter into the ninth on Friday.  This was what I wrote to Rudy this weekend over IM.  “Here’s our luck thus far in our leagues.  One pitcher we’ve dropped in all our leagues so far…. The one pitcher we felt we should’ve never drafted and that was expendable… The pitcher we dropped in one league for Phil Effin’ Coke was… Anibal Sanchez.”  Rudy responded with, “I saw.”  There was nothing else to say.  The pain was palpable.

Josh Johnson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Member that Go West “King of Wishful Thinking” thing I said about Marcum starting the All-Star Game?  Yeah, it’s gonna be Johnson.  Be fun to watch his porn star brother Gosh Johnson work the All-Star crowd for groupies.  “We’re gonna have a Johnson signing event in my hotel room from 2 to 3.  That’s 2 PM to 3 AM.”

Scott Rolen – Who had Easter Sunday for the Rolen to DL pool (with strained left shoulder that’s been a persistent issue for him)?  Collect your money.  For now, Cairo is the replacement and is recommended in all Fantasy Razzball league formats (aka you get points for negative performance).  Juan Francisco will get some starts when he returns from the DL.  He’s got serious power but has more holes in his swing than Augusta National.  He’s a good stash in NL-only though.

David Wright – The AYCE slam & legs (2 HR, 1 SB) with 3 runs and 3 RBIs.  Watching the carcass tandem of Jason Bay and Carlos Beltran play so hard must be inspiring him.

Jason Pridie – With Angel Pagan on the DL (did he tag in Jason Bay first?), Terry Collins looked at his corner OFs (Bay and Beltran) and decided he needed better than the average at best defense of Willie Harris and Scott Hairston in CF.  Pridie has a good defensive reputation and has shown speed in the minors (25 SBs a year in two full AAA seasons) but, despite his HR on Sunday, is a below average hitter that’s worthless outside of NL-only leagues.  Or as Larry David would say, “He is (not) pridie pridie good.”

Zack Greinke – He’s still on pace for an early May return.  Only 3 things could derail it:  1) he plays pickup basketball, 2) he has a mental episode, or 3) he has a mental episode about not playing pickup basketball.

Give that dog a bone!  Wait, what?  Yesterday, Nick Blackburn went 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Usually after a team clinches their division, they wake up like it’s Ash Wednesday and they were on Bourbon Street for Fat Tuesday.  Not dem Twinkies, I tell ya! (Well, who else is telling you?  Am I right?  Or am I right right?)  Even with their B lineup, they made the Indians look C.  (Hehe, I said looksie!  Twice now.)  Blackburn was in last week’s borderline starter post twice (a new one comes this afternoon) and he hasn’t had a bad start since July.  You know what you should do with Blackburn?  Powder him in sugar and dunk him in my coffee? Are you drunk, random italicized voice?  *lowers eyes*  No. You should grab him for his next start vs. the Royals, but my enthusiasm for Blackburn doesn’t run deep if you can fathom that.  (pun point!)  Blackburn has around a 3.5 K/9.  To use the parlance of Johnnie Cochran, that’s egregious.  That’s an inning for Carlos Marmol.  Blackburn gets more bat contact than a wannabe-WAG.  When Twins fans go to a Nick Blackburn start, they bring so few K signs that they look racist.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Hanley Ramirez – Sat out yesterday as Hanley wasn’t feeling very manly.  You know what makes me feel manly?  Rubbing banana pudding on my chest and running through the zoo.  The Marlins are hinting Hanley’s gonna be shutdown for the year.  I’ve been hinting that for the last three days.

Carlos Carrasco – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Hasn’t had one bad start since his recall and gets the Tigers next.

Juan Pierre – 2-for-3 and his 60th steal.  I am the King of SAGNOF!  Now get me my mead!  And maybe a crumpet.

Chris Carter – 1-for-3 with his first major league homer.  Oh, it’s on!  Or at least it will be in the offseason when I pimp this guy out with my fantasy bedazzler.

Brett Anderson – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 1 K.  The injuries helped bring his value back to earth for next year’s draft.  It’ll be a nice buy opportunity or my name isn’t Grey “Left Eye” Albright.

Brad Ziegler – Blew the save but that was because Breslow has been used the last few days and Wuertz’ thumb huertz.

Sean Burnett – Got the save as Storen was either out with ‘he threw on Tuesday’ or ‘he wasn’t good on Tuesday or Sunday.’  One’s good, two’s not, three’s company.

Danny Espinosa – 2-for-4 with his 5th homer.  In his short career, he’s had more ups and downs than Mattingly and Morganna in the summer of ’85.  As pointed out whenever that was I pointed it out, Espinosa K’d a lot in the minors and that makes for a hitter that’s streaky like Bret Boone’s hair.

Michael Morse – 1-for-3 with his 2 homer in 4 days.  It’s like the Nats grow Josh Willinghams in the outfield.

Adam Dunn – Left the game after being hit on the elbow by a pitch.  He said it was the “most pain I’ve ever had in baseball.  Even more than that time I slide into home with four cheesesteaks in my back pocket.  Actually that was awesome.”  Dunn said he should be good by tomorrow.

Roy Oswalt – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 Hit, 1 Walk, 8 Ks, No Win.  Bleeping motherbleeper!

Max Scherzer – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks.  I’m not sure yet where he’s going to be drafted next year, but I’m taking a ticket and getting in line.

Ryan Raburn – 2-for-3, hitting over .300 in the last week with 2 homers.  2 more starts at 2nd base and he gets eligibility there for next year.  Somebody kidnap Will Rhymes for two days.  Please and thank you.

Pedro Alvarez – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs.  So far in his career, he’s only hit one homer that wasn’t followed by several more.  It’s a shot in the dark, but Alvarez might be a big play for the next week.

Carlos Beltran – 3-for-5 and his 5th homer.  I doubt I touch him even next year.  Metco, aging guy who was adding value with speed that is now declining and injury-prone.  Belchtran.

Jose Lopez – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and 3 homers.  Nice of you to show up one game this year.

Randy Wells – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. the Giants.  I was thinking this might be a decent start, but Wells has been all over the map this year, so it’s tough to recommend him. With that said, i.e., here comes the opposite, he goes to Petco in his next start, then gets the Astros.

Joey Votto – Out of the lineup again with a sinus infection.  Who is he, Felix Unger?

Johnny Cueto – 1 1/3 IP, 8 ER.  That one’s for LaRue.

Prince Fielder – Brewers scored 13 runs and Fielder went 0-for-2 with one run and RBI.  Ticker tease!  Though it’s been like a ticker season.

Dan Johnson – 1-for-4 with his 4th homer in the last week.  Can he stay hot for another week plus?  Can a pig fly?  Yes, with a catapult.  Guess what I’m saying is it’s possible and worth a shot.

Evan Longoria – 2-for-4 with his 22nd homer to go along with 15 steals.  Wait, I know that impression!  It’s David Wright.  Pretty sad when the big power guys in the league have 22 homers and 15 steals.  Did they start testing for HGH and no one told me?

Carlos Pena – Sounds like he might get some extended rest heading into the ‘offs.  Back date this to the last time he was hot, which was like 3 months ago.

Stephen Drew – 1-for-3 with the always tasty slam & legs.  That’s back-to-back games with steals and he’s hitting over .300 in the last week.  Okay, it’s not much, but for Drew it’s practically MVP numbers.

Kelly Johnson – Now has two homers in two games and 4 homers this week.  In like a lion, out like a lion.

Tim Stauffer – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks.  He gets the Cubs at home and the Giants in San Fran.  Since the Padres are battling for the playoffs, I’d grab Stauffer for next week.

Yadier Molina – Headed home to have his knee examined.  Tough blow for people in leagues that only use Molinas.

Pablo Sandoval – 0-for-2, .263 average on the year with 12 homers.  Kung F.U. Panda is more like it.

Matt Capps got traded and kept his job, Rauch didn’t get traded and lost his job, Octavio Dotel got traded and lost his job, Brian Wilson didn’t get traded but is moping because his shoes are no longer shiny.  It’s the bullpens, ya’ll.  Just yesterday Lindstrom was out with a sore back that he hurt when he tried to get the A’s replacement closer in his fantasy league.  That’s a true story in opposite world.  On the top of the rankings, Wagner made himself a $12 Salad.  On the bottom of the rankings, I wanted to move Chris Perez into the Donkeycorns, but he needs more time in the role first.  He’ll be a Donkeycorn by September.  Mark my words!  But don’t mark them on your computer, that doesn’t come off.  Anyway, here’s all of the closers for your fantasy baseball team, as of right now:

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.

1. Mariano Rivera (Kerry Wood, Joba Chamberlain)
2. Carlos Marmol (+1) (Sean Marshall, Andrew Cashner)
3. Heath Bell (+2) (Luke Gregerson, Ryan Webb)
4. Billy Wagner (+4) (Takashi Saito, Kyle Farnsworth)

Donkeycorns

Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns.

5. Jonathan Broxton (-4) (Octavio Dotel, Hong-Chih Kuo)
6. Francisco Rodriguez (Pedro Feliciano, Bobby Parnell)
7. Jose Valverde (-3) (Ryan Perry, Phil Coke)
8. Joakim Soria (Robinson Tejeda)
9. Rafael Soriano (+1) (Dan Wheeler, Joaquin Benoit)
10. Brian Wilson (-1) (Sergio Romo, Chris Ray)
11. Ryan Franklin (+1) (Jason Motte, Kyle McClellan)
12. Jonathan Papelbon (+1) (Daniel Bard)
13. Neftali Feliz (+1) (Frank Francisco, Darren O’Day)
14. Leo Nunez (+1) (Clay Hensley, Brian Sanches)
15. Francisco Cordero (+1) (Arthur Rhodes, Nick Masset)
16. Matt Capps (+2) (Jon Rauch, Matt Guerrier, Jesse Crain)
17. Brian Fuentes (+3) (Fernando Rodney, Kevin Jepsen)

Brain Freeze

I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Huston Street– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Tulo in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.

18. David Aardsma (+1) (Brandon League)
19. Matt Lindstrom (Brandon Lyon)
20. Chris Perez (+6) (Rafael Perez)
21. Brad Lidge (+2) (Ryan Madson, Jose Contreras)
22. Bobby Jenks (+2) (J.J. Putz, Matt Thornton)
23. Kevin Gregg (+2) (Jason Frasor, Scott Downs)
24. Huston Street (+2) (Matt Belisle, Manny Corpas)
25. John Axford (+2) (Trevor Hoffman, Zach Braddock)
26. Drew Storen/Tyler Clippard/Sean Burnett (-8) (Miguel Batista)
27. Joel Hanrahan/Evan Meek (-7) (Sean Gallagher)
28. Alfredo Simon/Mike Gonzalez (David Hernandez)
29. Aaron Heilman (+1) (Sam Demel, Juan Gutierrez)
30. Michael Wuertz/Craig Breslow (-19) (Brad Ziegler, Andrew Bailey, Lou Ferrigno)

For the first time in over two years, Jonathan Papelbon is no longer a $12 Salad.  I know, call your Congressman.  Pass Prop 12.  There’s been signs for a long time that he wasn’t the same closer from 2007.  I didn’t want to move him because he seemed like the epitome of a $12 Salad.  Overpriced lettuce? Yeah, random italicized voice, sorta.  Cool, now I’m totally confused. I think Papelbon has the name value attached to him that makes him seem more attractive than he really is.  His WHIP is kinda bleh.  His ERA’s kinda ugly.  His dancing is hideous.  For the first time in a while, I can see Papelbon’s cracks.  And, uh, cracks kill.  Anyway, here’s all of the closers for your fantasy baseball team, as of right now:

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.

1. Mariano Rivera (+1) (Joba Chamberlain, Damaso Marte)
2. Jonathan Broxton (-1) (Hong-Chih Kuo, Ramon Troncoso)
3. Carlos Marmol (+1) (Sean Marshall, Andrew Cashner)
4. Jose Valverde (+3) (Phil Coke, Ryan Perry)

Donkeycorns

Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns.

5. Heath Bell (+2) (Luke Gregerson, Mike Adams)
6. Francisco Rodriguez (Pedro Feliciano)
7. Joakim Soria (-2) (Robinson Tejeda, Kyle Farnsworth)
8. Billy Wagner (+5) (Takashi Saito, Peter Moylan)
9. Brian Wilson (Sergio Romo, Chris Ray)
10. Rafael Soriano (Dan Wheeler, Joaquin Benoit)
11. Andrew Bailey (Michael Wuertz, Brad Ziegler)
12. Ryan Franklin (Jason Motte, Kyle McClellan)
13. Jonathan Papelbon (-10) (Daniel Bard, Hideki Okajima)
14. Neftali Feliz (+7) (Frank Francisco, Darren O’Day)
15. Leo Nunez (+2) (Brian Sanches)
16. Francisco Cordero (-2) (Arthur Rhodes, Nick Masset)
17. Jon Rauch (-2) (Matt Guerrier, Jesse Crain)
18. Matt Capps (+1) (Tyler Clippard, Drew Storen)

Brain Freeze

I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Brian Fuentes– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Napoli in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.

19. David Aardsma (-3) (Brandon League)
20. Matt Lindstrom (Brandon Lyon, Jeff Fulchino)
21. Brian Fuentes (-3) (Fernando Rodney, Kevin Jepsen)
22. Octavio Dotel (Evan Meek, Joel Hanrahan)
23. Brad Lidge (+5) (Jose Contreras, Danys Baez, Chad Durbin)
24. Bobby Jenks (-1) (J.J. Putz, Matt Thornton)
25. Kevin Gregg (-1) (Jason Frasor, Scott Downs)
26. Huston Street (-1) (Manny Corpas, Matt Belisle, Rafael Betancourt)
27. John Axford (+2) (Trevor Hoffman, Zach Braddock, Carlos Villanueva)
28. Kerry Wood (-2) (Chris Perez, Tony Sipp, Rafael Perez)
29. Alfredo Simon (+1) (David Hernandez, Jason Berken, Mike Gonzalez)
30. Aaron Heilman (-3) (Chad Qualls, Sam Demel, Juan Gutierrez, R.B.I. Baseball’s Mike Scott)

The Brain Freezes lived up to their names last month.  With Jenks, Hoffman, Gregg, Dotel, Lidge, Funklin Morales, Qualls, Perez, Wood and Simon all putting dry ice on your fantasy baseball team and then shattering it.  No one ever said owning Brain Freezes would be easy, but does it have to be this hard?  Can’t I just Ron Popeil my Jenkses and Hoffmen and let them be?  No, of course, I can’t.  It would be too easy.  I come from the school that if a guy has a chance to earn even one save, I’ll own them.  Sometimes this yields 6 saves from Alfredo Simon, other times this yields 12 earned runs in a third of an inning from Will Ohman. (It’ll happen, don’t you worry about that.)  So they may give you an ulcer, but I’d own them.  Brain Freezes are the nuts and sometimes they crack.  Anyway, here’s all of the closers for your fantasy baseball team, as of right now:

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.

1. Jonathan Broxton (+1) (Hong-Chih Kuo, Ramon Troncoso, George Sherrill)
2. Mariano Rivera (+1) (Joba Chamberlain, Damaso Marte)
3. Jonathan Papelbon (-2) (Daniel Bard, Hideki Okajima)
4. Carlos Marmol (Sean Marshall, Andrew Cashner)

Donkeycorns

Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns.

5. Joakim Soria (Kyle Farnsworth, Josh Rupe)
6. Francisco Rodriguez (Pedro Feliciano, Jenrry Mejia)
7. Heath Bell (Mike Adams, Luke Gregerson)
8. Jose Valverde (Joel Zumaya, Ryan Perry)
9. Brian Wilson (Sergio Romo, Dan Runzler)
10. Rafael Soriano (+2) (Dan Wheeler, Grant Balfour)
11. Andrew Bailey (+5) (Michael Wuertz, Brad Ziegler)
12. Ryan Franklin (+2) (Kyle McClellan, Jason Motte)
13. Billy Wagner (Takashi Saito, Peter Moylan)
14. Francisco Cordero (-3) (Arthur Rhodes, Nick Masset)
15. Jon Rauch (Matt Guerrier, Jesse Crain)
16. David Aardsma (-5) (Brandon League, Shawn Kelley)
17. Leo Nunez (+1) (Clay Hensley, Brian Sanches)
18. Brian Fuentes (-1) (Fernando Rodney, Kevin Jepsen, Scot Shields)
19. Matt Capps (Tyler Clippard, Drew Storen)
20. Matt Lindstrom (Brandon Lyon, Jeff Fulchino)

Brain Freeze

I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Chad Qualls– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit LaRoche in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.

21. Neftali Feliz (+7) (Frank Francisco, Chris Ray)
22. Octavio Dotel (+1) (Evan Meek, Brendan Donnelly, Joel Hanrahan)
23. Manny Corpas (+3) (Rafael Betancourt, Huston Street)
24. Kevin Gregg (-1) (Jason Frasor, Scott Downs)
25. Bobby Jenks (-3) (Matt Thornton, J.J. Putz)
26. Kerry Wood (+2) (Chris Perez, Rafael Perez)
27. Chad Qualls (Aaron Heilman, Juan Gutierrez)
28. Jose Contreras/Brad Lidge (-2) (Danys Baez, Chad Durbin)
29. John Axford (-7) (Trevor Hoffman, Carlos Villanueva, Todd Coffey, LaTroy Hawkins, Polish Sausage Mascot)
30. Will Ohman (Frank Mata, Alfredo Simon, Koji Uehara, Mike Gonzalez, Cal Ripken Jr., Cal Ripken Jr. Jr.)