Fantasy Baseball Advice

No, there’s probably no cast in Andre’s future.  I’m not even sure they make casts small enough for the pinkie finger.  That was Pingping‘s downfall, that and the chain smoking.  After Andre Ethier broke a bone in his pinkie, he said something was seriously wrong.  Seriously?  You got a boo-boo on your pinkie!  What, you can’t make shadow animals now?  When he found out what it was, he said that it’s the leverage point of his swing and it would prevent him from holding the bat the way he normally does.  Who’s leverage point is their freakin’ pinkie?!  This is like the pea under the princess’s mattress.  His biggest concern is probably how he can stick his pinkie out while drinking tea.  Ethier could be out for a few weeks or he can play through it.  So he’s damned if he does or a half dozen of the other… Or however that cliché goes.  If it is his leverage point, you don’t want him playing through it.  If he doesn’t play through it, he could be out at least a few weeks.  And here I thought the only time Ethier and the word pinkie would be associated would be from this picture.  Draw your own conclusions, but I’m guessing he’s in Key West.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Chad Billingsley – 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  What every pitcher needs, a trip to Petco.

Huston Street – Huston, we have a setback.  We should just call them streetbacks.  This time he strained his groin.  Straining your groin is so adolescent!  Corpas stays the number one option for saves.  He’s by no means safe, but he’s safer than the other options.  Those really hurting for saves can look at Cuddle Boy, Rafael Betancourt.

Jeff Francis – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Definitely worth grabbing in NL-Only and deeper mixed leagues, but, in the end, he’s a mid-4 ERA, 6 K/9 pitcher.  It’s just a’ight.

Brad Lidge – You know those signs that say, “If you lived here, you’d be home right now?”  How about the sign, “If you were Brad Lidge, you’d be injured right now?” Lidge returns to the DL and Jose Contreras continues to fill in the closer role.  Those is desperate need of saves can look at Danys Baez and J.C. Romero too.

J.C. Romero – And J.C. turns a close game into a save.  There were lefties batting and Contreras had pitched two days in a row, so that’s what went on here.  Though it does give you an idea of the pecking order when you’re vulturing.

Jimmy Rollins – To return on Monday.  Assuming he doesn’t share a doctor with Brad Lidge.

Kila Ka’aihue – Was sent back down.  Too bad he couldn’t make the best of his time.  Then again, he was only given 4 at-bats in almost two weeks.  Here’s a prospect, here’s the Royals stunting a prospect’s growth.

Justin Duchscherer – This Justin, probably out for the season with his grandma hip.

Jack Cust – 2-for-3 as he returns to the A’s.  He missed almost 40 games, so how long until you think he leads the club in homers?  Week and a half?  2 weeks?  If you need power, I’d grab him.  Also, everyone in OBP leagues should obviously pick him up.

Scott Hairston – Looks to be headed to the DL with the dreaded strained hamstring.  This will free up playing time for Venable and Gwynn.  Though I’m not sure that’s a good thing.

Carlos Guillen – As reported here first after reading it elsewhere, Guillen will play 2nd base when he returns next week.  Scott Sizemore is no more as he was optioned to the minors.

Brennan Boesch – Now batting .380 over 71 ABs.  Member when I effused praise, but hedged that Boesch had no playing time when Guillen returned?  Yeah, that’s old news, friend.  Boesch should play every day as long as he continues to hit.  I’d grab him in most 12 team leagues and deeper.

Max Scherzer – The Tigers weatherman called for a flurry of moves this weekend, huh?  Scherzer was sent to the minors.  If you owned him, it’s your own fault.  I couldn’t have been more vocal about why I was avoiding him this year.  At least now he’s done Pwnsoning you.  Replacing him…

Armando Galarraga – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  He’s a 4.50+ ERA pitcher with a bleh K-rate.  I’d ignore in all leagues, except AL-Only ones.

Scott Olsen – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Very respectable start against a team that is good vs. lefties and even better at home.  I’d own Olsen in the shallowest of leagues.

Tyler Clippard – 1 1/3 IP, 1 ER as he got the loss.  What a decision hog!

Willy Taveras – The Nats DFA’d, which is baseball’s acronym for “You don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here.”

Drew Storen – Called up to the majors.  Storen won’t see any saves unless there’s a total collCapps.  Not if there’s just some hicCapps.

Carlos Quentin – I don’t know what’s worst, that Quentin missed his third straight game with a stomach problem or that I was glad Quentin missed three straight.

Gavin Floyd – 6 IP, 5 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks and now has a 7.00 ERA on the year.  I think change gonna come, nephew, but I wouldn’t wait for it with him on my team.  Let him correct himself on waivers.

Alex Rios – 3-for-4, and his 7th homer while he has 12 steals.  It is my belief that James Shields and Alex Rios are conspiring to drive me crazy.

Alexei Ramirez – Now 5 for his last 7.  It took him until around this time last year to get hot.  Cust kayin’.

Grady Sizemore – Should be day-to-day after he left the game with a left knee contusion.  No word on how he suffered it, but my guess is one of his fantasy baseball owners Tonya Harding’d him.

Russell Branyan – Hit his 4th homer on the year yesterday and his 3rd this week.  Trust me, I wouldn’t mention some of these guys if they weren’t worth owning immediately.  I grabbed Branyan in a few leagues last Thursday, if that helps the medicine go down.

Jake Westbrook – 9 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Before this start, he had a 23:19 K:BB rate, which is bad.  His WHIP is 1.51.  I wouldn’t own him with your team.

Luke Scott – 3-for-4, as he hit his 7th homer yesterday and his 4th homer in his last 7 games.  Another guy who is only worth owning while he’s hitting.  Currently, he’s hitting.

Brad Penny – 5 IP, 7 ER, 14 baserunners, 7 Ks.  That’s not a pretty Penny.

Jonny Gomes – 2-for-3 and batting .350 on the week.  He’s been playing every day and, even if he wasn’t, interleague is coming up so he’d play then.  (BTW, a interleague post is coming this week about guys to start and sit.)

Bronson Arroyo – 9 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. a slumping Cards team.  I’d continue to avoid Arroyo until after the All-Star Break.

Brandon Morrow – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks.  His WHIP is hideous (1.68), but I’d grab him in leagues where you need Ks.  Right now, 54 Ks in 41 innings.  For you noobs, that’s really good.  In fact, it’s the best K-rate in the major leagues.  Yes, better than Lincecum.

Mariano Rivera – 1/3 IP, 2 ER.  Oh, Mo.  Hasn’t saved a game in May then this dreckitude.  Joba wasn’t much better in this game, but continue to hold Joba just in case Rivera’s hurt.  On an amusing side note, my grandfather’s real name is Mariano.  Not Panamanian, but Italian.  Hey, paisan!  But he hasn’t gone by Mariano since he was a kid, opting for Joe.  He says Mariano sounds too Italian, even though he has no problem wearing self-tanning lotion to “darken his complexion.”  Yes, my grandfather is C. Thomas Howell from Soul Man.

Gaby Sanchez – Went 9-for-17 this weekend, Maybin went 5-for-12 with 6 RBIs.  As I told someone in the comments this weekend, I have no idea if this is a good sign for the Marlin youngsters or a bad sign for the Mets pitching.  And that’s me paraphrasing me!

Dan Haren – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 11 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Did he see his shadow and think it was after the All-Star Break?

Martin Prado – 4-for-6, 2 Runs, 3 RBIs and 2 Homers.  I wouldn’t own Prado just because of the complete lack of speed, but if you need average or Runs, that’s what Prado gives you.  Pretty yawnstipating, but he is what he is.

Troy Glaus – 3-for-5, 2 Runs, 2 RBIs as he was another guy who homered that showed up in Friday’s Buy/Sell.

Jon Niese – Left the game yesterday after getting hamstrung.

Jose Reyes – Moved back to the leadoff spot, which left a void in the heart of the lineup.  Batting 4th for the Mets?  It’s a sci-fi mystery scripted by Chris Carter.

Derek Holland is not officially a rookie, but that doesn’t mean he might not roofie you.  Pitching in and out of the rotation last year, he had some real ulcer-inducing starts.   I know, I have the internal scars to prove it.  Oh, Mylanta!  Though his xFIP was better than his actual ERA.  I know, too bad your league isn’t all fussy with an xFIP category.  Holland’s a plus-plus strikeout guy.  In the hitter-friendly PCL, he had a 37:7 K:BB rate and a 0.93 ERA.  He’s homer-prone and in Arlington that is a recipe for turd nuggets.  I’m much more aggressive about grabbing young hitters than young pitchers.  Hitters give you an 0-for-34 and you punt.  A pitcher gives you a 2 IP, 7 ER start and that causes you to punch a random stranger and then next thing you know some guy named Bubba is fitting you for a teardrop tattoo.  See how quickly that spiral spun downward?  Ask Lawrence Taylor, he’ll tell you.  So I didn’t grab Holland anywhere, but I would in the right circumstances, as long as you monitor where you start him.  His first two outings are set for the A’s and Angels.  That’s a “Yes, please” and “Don’t mind if I do.”  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Johnny Cueto – 9 IP, 1 hit shutout with 8 Ks as he dropped his ERA to 4.07 on the season.  And there’s why I liked him so much in the preseason.  If he’s out there in your league, own him, in the non-biblical sense.

Chris Heisey – Got his first major league hit and homer.  He’s a 15/15 type that needs to have everyday at-bats to have mixed league value.  I think he’s better than Drew Stubbs, but WWDD?  My guess is Dusty will continue to play Stubbs.

J.J. Hardy – Headed for the DL with a bruised left wrist.  If you don’t have DL room, move on/look elsewhere.  Brendan Harris should see most of the time at short.  Harris is good… To avoid.  Twins also called up Matt Tolbert.  And that’s The Tolbert Report.

Kevin Slowey – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER.  Yeah, Charlie Morton pitched better than Slowey last night.  I’m not dropping Slowey, but that’s only because I don’t own him in 12 team leagues or shallower.  If I did, he’d be done-zo.  In deeper leagues, I’m holding him but I’m not starting him next time out.  I’m kinda just hoping for a trip to the Disgraceful List.  How dare you betray my trust, Slowey?  You’re about to get filed away with 2009 James Shields, which might be the best thing for your career.

Bobby Jenks – Got the save yesterday, but Ozzie said they could go to a closer by situation, which is closer by committee for those who have used all of their blanks and M tiles.

Franklin Morales – To the DL.  Manny Corpas and/or Rafael Betancourt should get the saves, in that order.  I’d own both, if I had the room.  Unfortunately, I had a big meal of Blown Save Suckage recently, so no room.

Neftali Feliz – Blew a save.  You ever own the setup man and hope the closer doesn’t blow it because you don’t trust the setup man?  That’s how I feel with Frank Francisco.  I own him, but am petrified of him getting save opportunities.  Sorta how I feel about Juan Gutierrez too.

Mark DeRosa – Called offseason wrist surgery a total failure and he may need another procedure.  The doctor who operated called DeRosa the worst patient ever and said he wants his lollipop back.

Gordon Beckham – 0-for-3 as he hit 8th in the lineup because, well, he sucks.  I did have some concerns about him in the preseason.  Click it, you know you wanna.

Fred Lewis – 2-for-4, now batting .309 on the year with two homers and 3 steals.  Not flashy like my dookie fat gold chain that is just below the frame of my user photo, but Lewis will tortoise you to a 10/17 year.

Russell Branyan – 2 homers yesterday.  Could be the start of something if you need power.  He did hit 22 homers pre-All-Star Break last year.

Carlos Beltran – Ricky from My So Called Life was cleared to jog and do some baseball activities.  You know, like spitting and grabbing his junk.  Considering Beltran was only supposed to miss a few games last June, I’ll believe he’s playing baseball again when I see it in Metco.

Scott Olsen – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Only one of those baserunners was a walk and a few of those singles were of the “Excuse me” variety.  So hold S.O. (<–not a palindrome)

Gaby Sanchez – 1-for-4 with a homer.  Yo Gaby Gaby!  Yeah, he’s been yawnstipating as all get out.

Randy Wells – 8 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Without doing the complex math, I’m going to say he was unlucky here too since he only had 5 baserunners and 3 earned.  I’m buying into Wells getting, um, well.

Tim Hudson – 6 IP, 12 baserunners (6 BBs), 1 K.  Read Wells’ blurb in a mirror.

Troy Glaus – 17 for his last 38 with two homers in two straight games.  Should be owned in all leagues while he’s hot.

Tim Stauffer – Added DL to his RP/SP eligibility as he’s out for 6 weeks with an appendectomy.

Brad Lidge – Said he didn’t like how his arm felt when he threw yesterday.  That’s usually not a good sign.  The Latin 38, Jose Contreras, is the pickup for saves.  Everyone seems fine with grabbing Contreras and maybe he’ll be okay, but he seems to be pitching so far over his head I’m surprised he hasn’t been bringing a ladder out to the mound.

Jimmy Rollins – Expects to be back by next week.  Maybe he can close.

John Ely – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Said I’d look at him in NL-Only leagues before this start.  Now I’d start to look at him in mixed leagues.  In his division and park, he should get some decent matchups.

Josh Beckett – Will miss Friday’s start because of back spasms that were a result of taking swings in the batting cage.  What, was he reading Rick Ankiel’s Wikipedia page?

Daisuke Matsuzaka – 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 9 Ks.  That’s nice, I’m not buying it.

Jason Varitek – You might want to stay away from sharp objects as you read the next two sentences.  Varitek hit his 6th homer on the year yesterday.  Victor Martinez has 3 homers.

Ben Zobrist – 1-for-3 as he bats .268 on the year.  He still hasn’t hit a homer.  Wha’ happened?  The ‘brist have his power circumcised?  It’s not completely surprising to me.  As I said in the rankings, “(Zobrist) was a utility man coming into 2009 and I wouldn’t be surprised if he left 2010 back in that role.”  And that’s me quoting me!

Brad Penny – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks as his defense let him down with 4 unearned runs.  Penny has a 1.70 ERA on the year.  You know when you have one guy who is carrying your whole staff and you just know the bottom is going to fall out but you want to believe so bad.  Yeah, Penny’s that guy for me on multiple teams.

Brett Myers – 6 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks.  So far this year, he’s been consistently better than average.  He seems like a safe bet to get some Ks, keep his team close and at some point beat up a girl.

Hunter Pence – 2-for-4 as he hit his 2nd homer in as many games.  Instead of fireworks, the Astros showcased their new way to celebrate a home run.  A giant dummy in the outfield that bears a striking resemblance to Ed Wade has its eyes pop out and toupee shoots off its head after a homer.

Eric Chavez – Hit his first homer of the year.  It was a called shot.  He called it, “I can’t believe I’m not on the DL.”

Making Eric Young Jr.’s return possible, Brad Hawpe heads to the 15-day DL as he loses his hop.  In the last four years of the minors, Eric Young Jr. has 87, 73, 46 and 58 steals, respectively.  Or disrespectfully, holy effin’ hey, are you kidding me?  That’s so good, Rickey Henderson talks about Eric Young Jr. in the third person.  Young could play in the outfield for a few days and will occasionally spell Barmes — B-A-R-M-E-S.  I think Young will see four to five days a week, but for those needing steals, you know the drill.  I grabbed him in one league and dropped Priscilla Barmes. (How awesome would it be if DeWitt played on the same team as Barmes?  Then Todd Helton would have to pretend he was gay to get playing time.)  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Miguel Olivo – Now leads all catchers with 5 homers.  Ain’t that a nicker in the kads.

Seth Smith – 2 homers yesterday.  Sure, go and get hot right when Eric Young Jr. gets called up.  Smith will see extra starts with Hawpe out, but he’ll still sit vs. lefties, which the Rockies get two of this week.

Chad Billingsley – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks and only one walk that wasn’t intentional in his last two games.  Right now, his FIP is over a run below his ERA.  I don’t think we’re out of the woods completely, but his next start vs. the Pirates can’t hurt.

Manny Ramirez – Hits the DL.  Garrett Anderson filled in for him yesterday.  Manny’s birthday is 5/30/72.  Garrett Anderson’s birthday is 6/30/72.  Nice that the Dodgers can fill Manny’s spot with youth.

Vicente Padilla – Heads to the DL.  Before the DL, after the DL.

Ryan Zimmerman – Wants to avoid the DL, but is still having moans over his hammy.

Scott Olsen – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Keep moving, nothing to see here.

Kelly Johnson – Hit his 7th homer yesterday.  No, that’s not a typo.  Aren’t you glad you drafted Aaron Hill in the 5th round?

Mark Reynolds – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs as he hit his 7th homer too.  Sure, I wrote a schmohawk post about Reynolds, but you can’t stay mad at a Mini Donkey.  They’re too lovable.

Krispie Young – 7 for his last 13.  If you’re hoping for the breakout, you have to accept that there will be stretches of 0-for-22′s.

Chad Qualls – After he completed his 1-2-3 save, his owners threw their gloves into the air and fell to their knees like Jesse Orosco.

Ryan Doumit – Going into the game, the Astros had stolen 6 bases.  Now, the Astros have 12 steals.  4 were stolen off of Morton and Doumit.  Which is also known as *pinkie to mouth* a salt and battery.

David Price – 9 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks.  There ya go.

John Jaso – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs.  Anyone see this guy’s name in the box score and think there’s a typo?  Maybe it’s just me.  So get out your revolver, because it’s time for another round of Catcher Russian Roulette.  Jaso sported a solid OBP in the minors and pretty limited power.  So far, he has 5 walks, only one strikeout and a homer.  He’s immediately more valuable than Dioner, but that’s like saying your feet smell better than your socks.  In AL-Only leagues or deep mixed, 2 catcher leagues, I’d grab him and see if he can keep up his hot hitting.

Colby Lewis – 6 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 10 Ks as he battled for the Win.  Colby’s a Survivor!  I feel bad penalizing the people who are paying attention for the ones that aren’t, but here’s what I said previously about Lewis, “No one’s career has seen a bigger boost after going to Japan since Cheap Trick.  Feels like every year the Rangers have someone who’s way overhyped.  Has everyone forgotten that Lewis had a 6.71 ERA in his major league career before being rejuvenated in the Japanese Bubbling Spring of Soba Noodles?” And that’s me quoting me!  I also went on to talk about how I like strikeout pitchers, but Colby Lewis is prone to walks and his home park is hitter-friendly.  And that’s me paraphrasing me!  On certain teams, I could see grabbing Colby Lewis if you need Ks or upside.  I do not own Colby Lewis anywhere and don’t plan on it.  I also don’t like how his name only sounds right if you say the whole thing.  Really slows things up for someone whose WPM is 17.

Brennan Boesch – 0-for-4 as he hit 5th.  Well, with Guillen out of the lineup it’s only natural that Leyland, who doesn’t believe in new lineup cards or Liquid Paper, would hit Boesch 5th.  (BTW, Poor Ryan Raburn.  Him and every prospect Scioscia ignored for an Izturii should start a support group.)  Boesch has 20 homer power and decent speed, but there’s no indication that he’ll stick once Guillen returns.  He also likes to swing and miss.  In AL-Only leagues, I’d grab Boesch, but, unless he gets hot, I’m not touching him in mixed leagues.

Rhyne Hughes – Hughes has moderate power and the penchant for the strikeout.  Unless the O’s are benching Atkins completely, which I don’t think they are (though I’m not against it), Hughes doesn’t have value outside of AL-Only leagues.  Could be mixed league worthy if he gets every day ABs.

Nolan Reimold – 2-for-5, as he hit leadoff.  Wait, what?  Leadoff?  You know that guy in your league who drafted terribly and is now scrambling to kick start his team?  Yeah, that’s the Orioles.

Lou Montanez – Sounds like someone working for Miami Vice.

Geovany Soto – 2-for-4, as he hit his 2nd homer yesterday.  This is a question for everyone that doesn’t own Soto but who has seen how many times people have asked in the comments if they should drop him.  Soto is now batting:  A) .366 B) 100 points higher than .266 C) Almost two hundred points better than Clement.  D) All of the above.  If you answered D, you’re right.  If you refused to answer, you probably dropped him and were hoping for the best.

Kosuke Fukudome – 3-for-4, 3 Runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer.  He’s what Matt Diaz sees when he looks in the mirror.  If you can afford to bench Fukudome vs. all lefties, you could have yourself a valuable 5th outfielder.

Jeff Suppan – Suppan’s being sent to the bullpen.  There’s a fly in The Soup’s ointment.

Dave Bush – 3 2/3 IP, 7 ER, 12 baserunners.  Some people who were pushing their luck in their H2H league, got a Cleveland Streamer.

Justin Masterson – 4 IP, 7 ER, 12 baserunners.  Speaking of Cleveland Streamers.  Blech.  This is the kind of soul-crushing loss that forces you to either bench him for his next start or drop him.

Gio Gonzalez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks and he only threw two walks.  If he can keep his walks in check, he could be in for huge uptick in value.

Brett Anderson – Lifted from Saturday’s game with elbow tightness.  I steered away from Anderson in all my leagues because of his IP jump from 2008 to 2009.  I will say that when/if healthy, he has nasty stuff.  As of right now, they’re reporting Anderson will make his next start.  No idea who they are, but they’re usually right.

Javier Vazquez – 3 2/3 IP, 5 ER.  I predicted rough times ahead when he moved to the AL, but wow.  Someone in our fantasy baseball forums, mentioned there should be a glossary term for a pitcher going from the AL to the NL or vice versa.  I agree.  Anyone have any ideas?

Everth Cabrera – Cueto hit him on the knee with a pitch, which forced him to the bench for Sunday’s game, but EverCab did get in late and stole a base.  Cueto should stick to screwing Cueto owners, and not EverCab ones.

Brad Penny – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 0 Walks, 2 Ks.  I have this strange feeling that Penny’s going to get named to the All-Star Game then get pummeled by the AL because Duncan won’t be on the staff.

Paul Konerko – Hit his 8th homer yesterday as he takes the lead in The Battle For Best Value From A Draft Pick That Everyone Yawned At.  Vernon Wells is a close 2nd.

John Danks – 8 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks as Jenks finished the game.   According to the Elias Sports Bureau, this was the first time a team’s game pitchers shared their last three letters since teammates, Rollie Fingers/Hans Wringers.  Actually, they didn’t say that, but something that was overheard this week at the Elias Sports Bureau compound, “Billy, from Accounting, said, ‘I’ve had it with these monkey-fighting snakes on this Monday to Friday plane!’ over a hundred times, beating his old record by 37.”

I picked up Doug Fister in every league I could.  So, that’s out of the way.  I won’t start him the next time out though and I’m not sure I’ll start him ever.  I may just drop him if I never get a good matchup at home.  At home’s key.  That’s the only place I’d start him.  Last night, his 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks performance is his peak.  He pitches to contact and doesn’t K anyone.  He’s similar to Joel Pineiro.  Call him Jo-eh.  If you were the firster to get him off waivers, chuck him into a package trade for someone much more reliable or exciting.  His appeal is limited.  So, yes, I grabbed him to chuck him.  My apologies, Mister Fister.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Casey Kotchman – Hit his 2nd homer in as many days.  Going mono y mano with Soriole, Bradley Bergesen.

Franklin Gutierrez – The Big FraGu left the game in the 7th with tightness in his groin.  Ugh-arf!  That’s FraGu backwards (almost).

Conor Jackson – To the DL with a hamstring.  This is probably the best thing to happen to his owners all year.  If you’re struggling to find room for him on the DL, I’ll save you the time.  Drop him in most mixed leagues.

Kelly Johnson – 1-for-4, but Conor Jackson’s hamfret pushes Johnson into the leadoff role.  I like me some Johnson!  Not like that.  C’mon, that’s juvenile.

Gerardo Parra – 1-for-3, and now has a starting job because Conor Jackson’s injury is paying it forward.  Parra has little value outside of NL-Only leagues.  There, he’ll give you very little power and little speed.

Ty Wigginton – I mentioned grabbing him yesterday when he had four homers in the last week.  Today, he has 5.

David Eckstein – He hit a walk-off HR for San Diego.  When pressed for comment, Eckstein said it was his biggest hit since knocking out Soda Popinski.

Clayton Richard – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks.  He’s not really bad on Ks and he will have an under-4 ERA at home this year.

Brian Fuentes – Scheduled to return from the DL on Wednesday.  He should get the closer role right back.  At least I hope so since I own this doode.

John Lackey – 3 1/3 IP, 8 ER.  A’la Superintendent Chalmers, “Lack-eee!”  Honestly, this might have been Lackey’s alter ego pitching, Lon Jackey.  He pitches like he’s in a horror film.

Mike Cameron – Could miss a few games because he’s got some stones below the belt in the literal instead of colloquial sense.

Jacoby Ellsbury – May end up D’ellsburied after all.  The Sawx played Bill Hall in center yesterday.  How’s that for depth?

Jeremy Hermida – HR yesterday.  Hermida couldn’t get to a ball he should’ve, which started the scoring on Lackey.  Hermida is a poor-man’s Trot Nixon.  Call him Mosey Agnew.

Brad Penny – 7 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks.  He’s actually been one of my best pitchers so far.  Scary, yet true.

Aaron Rowand – Reports are good that Rowand won’t need surgery on his face.  Too bad Willie McGee never received the same good news.

Juan Uribe – Has two homers in the last two games.  He’s one of the streakiest hitters.  Bet he hits at least two more homers this week.

Dontrelle Willis – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks.  He seems like a good guy.  I wish him the best.  I wouldn’t touch him.

Felix Pie – Will miss up to three months with latissimus dorsi muscle injury.  I thought only dolphins had dorsi muscles.  Anyone ever see Felix Pie flinch around a can of tuna?  Eh, guess it’s not important.  I imagine Reimold’s still nursing his Achilles’ because he’s pulling a Kotchman with that thing, but he’s got one less schmohawk to deal with for playing time and he has been hitting cleanup.

Kelly Shoppach – Out for 4-6 weeks with knee surgery.  I had knee surgery once and I wasn’t able to catch for almost two months later.  Actually, that’s a complete lie, but my English Comp teacher once told me to personalize.

Brandon Morrow – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks vs. the Royals.  Now they should make him a closer!  I keed.  Morrow should be capable of more performances like this one, but he gets the Rays next and I’m officially more worried about the Rays’ offense than the Sawx’s.

Mike McCoy – 3-for-4, 2 steals.  Hill’s due back soon which will push McCoy to, well, wherever McCoys go when they’re not playing.  In the meantime, McCoy stole 40 bases in Triple-A.  As they say at Razzball, SAGNOF!

Travis Snider – 2-for-5 as he hit his 2nd homer in four games.  I think he might be a year away still, but he could be coming around; don’t sleep on him if he’s out there.

Cliff Lee – Will throw a simulated game on Tuesday.  They should use a Wii for that.

Ike Davis – 2-for-4, 1 RBI and a million New Yawkers thinking this Davis has an idear up der at bat.  If you scroll down, you’ll see a post about him.  Want more, greedy?  Okay.  The Mets announcers (I heart Keith Hernandez) were comparing Davis to John Olerud.  Davis was wearing a batting helmet at the time, but they meant it about his hitting.  Also, they meant it as a compliment, but I took it as insult.  20 homers and a good average?  I’m hoping he develops more power than that.  Either way, you should own Davis for the chance at a breakout.

Jose Reyes – Wanted the day off because of fatigue.  It’s fair after playing three plus games in two days.  Then he got in the game late and continued to do nothing.  We need to remain calm.  He had no time to ramp up to the season.  The thyroid shorted him his Spring Training.  I’m not worried.  If Reyes gets hot, he could carry you for a month.

Craig Stammen – 8 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  That Stammen is a real pistil!  What, flower jokes ain’t your thing?  Whatever.  Oh, and Stammen’s a terrible pitcher, nothing’s changed.

Kevin Mench – The Nationals gave him a minor league deal and he’s hitting so far.  If the Nats call him up, I’m booking tickets for Kevin Mench Fathead Poster day when the first 10,000 guests get life-sized posters of Kevin Mench’s head that one can affix to their wall like a giant tapestry or fresco.

Scott Podsednik – Left the team for a family emergency.  The emergency:  give his hot wife a royal f***in’ vs. playing for the f***in’ Royals.

So how is everyone doing, fantasy wise?  NBA playoffs, slimming down to fit into that banana hammock and early fantasy baseball blues is what April has in store.  I was recently asked by a friend how many leagues I am in, and the answer without hesitation or lie is 21.  I don’t know how I do them all and keep sanity.  Everyone has a passion, mine is baseball.  Here are the most unowned options for this week for purposes of 2 start pickups in fantasy baseball:

Joel Pineiro (Tigers vs. Willis) (Yankees vs. Pettitte)
Not going to WOW you with his stats, has done great so far in 3 starts. Pitched great against the Yankees in week 2. Look for a 1-1 week as the Yanks are the Yanks. Favorable for start one against The D Train.

Brian Bannister (@Tor vs. Morrow) (Minn vs. Slowey)
I know he pitches for KC.  Starters for KC have been fairly effective; it’s the bridge to Soria that is horrendous.  I like both starts here as Slowey hasn’t found “it” yet, and Morrow is good for 3 innings and than goes to bed.  High ERA but great chance for 2 wins.

Doug Fister (Balt vs. Bergesen) (@ CHW vs. Danks)
I saw he pitched really effective on Tues. vs. Oak as I sped through it on DVR, was locating nicely and was putting ball in play.  A must start for the fledging O’s, may struggle start 2 as Danks has looked fantastic so far.  Grab for start one and if you’re in the lead in pitching he grabs the pine vs. the pale hoes.

Jeff Niemann (@ Bos vs. Lackey) (Tor vs. Romero)
Big buyer beware for this week as Boston has owned Niemann before then he goes up against Romero.  Has looked decent in 2 starts one was brief.  Can be effective when he is keeping the ball down in the zone, Red Sox take a lot of pitches and Toronto is mashing right now.

Justin Masterson (@ MINN vs. Slowey) (@ Oak vs. Gonzalez)
Got robbed last time out as defense blew it for him. Threw 6 strong innings vs. Tex. 9 k’s. Minnesota park is playing a little like a pitchers’ park. I like this kid as I have stated before, great moxy for a young gun on a 90 loss team. Pick him up now and you prolly won’t drop him for awhile.

Colby Lewis (@ Bos vs. Wakefield) ( Det vs. Porcello)
Both starts are going to be slugfests, has great chance to win both. If you can stomach a 8 era for the week with 12-14 k’s than grab him. I love guys named after cheese.

Brad Penny (@ Ari vs. Lopez) (@ SF vs. Cain)
Duncan is reclamation projects, not just yo-yos.  I don’t buy that he is great by any stretch, will be a rollercoaster, but they have Pujols. ‘Nuff said.  First start must add.  The second is a maybe if you need a good effort to win the week in H2H.

Clayton Richard ( SF vs. Cain) (@ Cin vs. Bailey)
On here for a little of start one and a lil of start 2; it’s home cooking and a favorable matchup.  Should hold his own at Petco vs. the army ants.  Call me crazy but by year’s end he will be on most teams as a rosterable pitcher.

Brett Myers (Fla vs. Volstad) (Pitt vs. Morton)
My add of the week 2 favorable home starts.  Perfect recipe.  Houston is a bad team and the dismantling is coming.  Great 2 win 10-12k promise. Grab him for the week and then set him free.

Mike Pelfrey (CHC vs. Zambrano) (Atl vs. Hanson)
Showed signs last outing.  Mets need someone else with an ERA under 5 to pitch behind Santana.  I like him moving forward.  Borderline rosterable in most formats.