Fantasy Baseball Advice

Washington Nationals: Another turn on the closerousel for the Nationals, as Henry Rodriguez is no longer taking the ball in the 9th. BiBi showed the world on Wednesday that Davey Johnson was wrong for demoting him by allowing a homerun and walking a batter without recording a K. Tyler Clippard locked the door Tuesday with a clean outing and a K, picking up the save. He’s in the pole position for the job and has the skills (13.2% career swinging strike rate, 2.97 career ERA) to keep it until Drew Storen or Brad Lidge return. Sean Burnett has had slight issues with right-handed bats in his career – a near even walk-to-strikeout rate and a FIP/xFIP a full run higher than against LHB – and may grab the odd save based on matchups or if Clippard is used on consecutive days. Craig Stammen has flourished in his transition to the bullpen, but hasn’t been used in many late-inning situations as of yet and is likely third in the pecking order.

Cincinnati Reds: Sean Marshall continues his 2+ years of dominance by putting up career bests in K (31.4%), BB (4.4%), and GB (59.1%)… oh, and his .476 BABIP led to several blown leads and Aroldis Chapman inheriting Marshall’s post in the Red regime. Viva La Revolution! Chapman has struck out 43 of 91 batters faced and owns a 0.42 FIP this season. Those are not typos. He struggled throwing strikes last season and still put up a 3.60 ERA with a 1.30 WHIP. He may well end this season with an ERA under 1.50 and a sub-1.00 WHIP. Word is that Chapman doesn’t like pitching in back-to-back games; Marshall will get a save opportunity in such a situation.

Chicago White Sox: Robin Ventura has officially named Addison Reed the closer for the Pale Hose. Reed’s lowest K% in the minors was 34.2% – he’s the best pitcher in the White Sox bullpen and will package his saves in a bundle of strikeouts. Expect his walk rate to drop a little as an added bonus. Jesse Crain looks to be the add if Reed falters.

New York Yankees: Joe Girardi indicated Wednesday that Rafael Soriano will be the closer even when David Robertson returns from the DL. Soriano is missing fewer bats and throwing fewer strikes than last season, so if you own Robertson, enjoy the Ks and wait until Soriano lights himself on fire.

Los Angeles California Angels of Anaheim Orange County: Ernesto Frieri has struck out 37 of his 82 batters faced this season, and 19 of 32 since joining the Angels. Scott Downs has sat down 7 of 50 batters on strikes. I did the math, it says Frieri should be owned. He obviously won’t continue to strike out 3 of every 5 batters he faces, but he’s a better pitcher than Downs and as soon as Downs has a rough inning I think Frieri officially gets the nod.

Chicago Cubs: Rafael Dolis farted liquid from the mound again Wednesday, allowing 3 runs on 3 hits and 2 walks before getting pulled. Kazaam! He throws his fastball 90% of the time and sports a K/BB ratio of 10/13. I’m amazed he’s even in the big leagues. James Russell is next in line for saves for now, and he possesses a 15/10 K/BB mark in 21 innings. That counts as sparkling on the Cubs. I honestly think Carlos Marmol falls back into the job when he comes back from the DL, and would be the only Cub I’d own at gunpoint. The entire Cubs bullpen is an unmitigated disaster.

Arizona Diamondbacks: J.J. Putz was hosed on what should have been a called second strike and a thrown out runner at second base, but alas, he surrendered two walks and a double, blowing his third save of the season Tuesday night. His velocity was 90/91 MPH for the night, and he’s had trouble with first pitch strikes this season (51.5%, down from 65.9% last season). He’s throwing total strikes at near career rates, and batters are chasing more of his pitches out of the zone than ever before; Putz’s problem is that hitters are teeing off on pitches in the zone, making contact at a 92.2% clip (86.5% last season). Assuming his velocity drop was a one night issue, I think he’ll regain his command and be fine. His struggles seem like statistical noise at this juncture.

San Francisco Giants: Brandon Crawford cost Madison Bumgarner (and me) a win by booting a groundball, and Santiago Casilla (and my opponent) picked up the win in extra innings. No breaking news here, just wanted to reveal how petty I am. Sergio Romo is a better pitcher, but arm issues prevent him from handling an every day workload, thus Casilla is the man for the Giants.

Well, not much has changed for closers since last month when we did a run down of all of them.  Kimbrel got a save, Axford got a save, and everyone else sucks.  Holly Robinson Peete closers are a mess!  I don’t think there’s ever been so many Brain Freezes before.  I almost feel like adding an extra category below the Brain Freezes called, “The Legend of Gloom.”  Wha’ happened?  Did someone poison the bullpen water?  Has Mariano Rivera made it so when he retires there won’t be any more closers?  There will only be starters and “Those Other Guys.”  To recap this month in closing quickly:  Valverde has been less than stellar, Putz and Street just don’t close games, Motte hasn’t been good, Brian Wilson became Casilla who Bochy pulled after one batter during one game, Joel Hanrahananananan gave fantasy owners the question, “Who’s Juan Cruz?”, Sergio Santos may start throwing at some point in the next few weeks, the Red Sox gave the job to someone who has an over 10 ERA, Frank-Frank hasn’t had a blank-blank inning in forever, Kyle Farnsworth left stage right and Rodney, who couldn’t get saves last year, entered stage “I can’t believe Rodney’s closing games,” Guerra’s been about as bad as expected, Walden blew one save and lost the job, What the H. Santiago?, What the H. Bell?, Grant Balfour might get traded, Jim Johnson gave fantasy owners the question, “Juan Cruz or Pedro Strop?  Wait, who?”, the closers on terrible teams have looked good so they’ll probably be traded or just not save games, and Brad Lidge is afraid of heights and the mound is above the field so he went to the DL which is on sea level.  Got all of that?  Yeah, I’m not sure I did either.  Anyway, here’s all the closers for 2012 fantasy baseball:

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.

1. Craig Kimbrel (Jonny Venters, Kris Medlen)
2. John Axford (Francisco Rodriguez)
3. Mariano Rivera (David Robertson, Rafael Soriano)
4. Jonathon Papelbon (Antonio Bastardo, Chad Qualls)

Donkeycorns

Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns.

5. Huston Street (+3) (Luke Gregerson, Andrew Cashner)
6. Jim Johnson (+15) (Pedro Strop, Matt Lindstrom)
7. Joel Hanrahan (+4) (Juan Cruz, Jason Grilli)
8. J.J. Putz (-2) (David Hernandez, Bryan Shaw)
9. Jason Motte (-1) (Fernando Salas, Mitchell Boggs)
10. Jose Valverde (-6) (Joaquin Benoit, Octavio Dotel)
11. Rafael Betancourt (+7) (Rex Brothers)
12. Brandon League (+6) (Tom Wilhelmsen)
13. Fernando Rodney (Joel Peralta, Jake McGee)
14. Grant Balfour (+6) (Brian Fuentes, Ryan Cook)
15. Brett Myers (+8) (David Carpenter, Brandon Lyon)
16. Joe Nathan (+6) (Mike Adams, Alexi Ogando)
17. Kenley Jansen/Javy Guerra (+2) (Matt Guerrier)

Brain Freeze

I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Matt Capps– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Valencia in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.

18. Sean Marshall (+3) (Aroldis Chapman, Jose Arredondo)
19. Santiago Casilla (-10) (Sergio Romo, Jeremy Affeldt)
20. Chris Perez (+4) (Vinnie Pestano, Tony Sipp)
21. Matt Capps (+6) (Glen Perkins, Jared Burton)
22. Jonathan Broxton (+6) (Aaron Crow)
23. Henry Rodriguez (+6) (Tyler Clippard, Brad Lidge)
24. Frank Francisco (-8) (Jon Rauch, Bobby Parnell, Ramon Ramirez)
25. Alfredo Aceves (-13) (Franklin Morales, Daniel Bard)
26. Carlos Marmol (-11) (Rafael Dolis, Kerry Wood)
27. Heath Bell (-19) (Steve Cishek, Edward Mujica)
28. Scott Downs (-11) (Jordan Walden, LaTroy Hawkins)
29. Matt Thornton/Hector Santiago (-1) (Addison Reed, Jesse Crain)
30. Francisco Cordero (-15) (Casey Janssen, Luis Perez, Sergio Santos, Lloyd Moseby)

Heath Bell is giving out two run innings like he’s Daryl Hannah giving out crazy vibes. Yesterday, was the fourth time in 8 appearances this year he’s allowed 2 runs.  His WHIP (2.70) looks like an ERA, his ERA looks a perfect score from a corrupt figure skater judge (10.80) and the Red Sox are wondering if he can be their closer.  At some point, Bell should be replaced as closer, and, with the way he’s been pitching, that point was about three weeks ago.  Astute Razzball reader, “Is Cishek or Mujica the replacement?”  I thought you were the astute one.  Mujica looks to be the set-up man, but I think Cishek gets first crack.  It’s called a hunch, like how Guy Fieri eats a sandwich.  As of right now, I wouldn’t drop Bell, but I also wouldn’t put him in my active roster.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Juan Carlos Oviedo – MLB suspended Juan Carlos Ovideo (Leo Nunez) for eight weeks for using a fake identity.  No plan to suspend Heath Bell for impersonating Kevin Gregg.  In his time off, Leo the Lyin’ plans on snorkeling through Atlantis, talking to his giant rabbit Harvey and hunting Sasquatch.

Yu Darvish – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Looking like a true sterling Darvish.

Evan Longoria – Left yesterday’s game with a knee injury after trying to steal 2nd.  The Rays are calling it “knee soreness.”  I’m calling it “it better be just soreness.”

Miguel Olivo – Homered, but whatever he also left yesterday’s game because his groin got injury duty, leaving the M’s summonsing Montero (who also homered)!  Olivo’s headed to the 15-day DL, so guess who will get 10 games played at catcher just a tad quicker now?  Hey, I’m smiling.  That feels weird.

Edwin Encarnacion – 2-for-3 with his 8th homer and 4th game in a row with one.  His hot hitting has my heart stopped…. captured…. arrested… It’s a case of Edwin Incarceration.

Allen Craig – Look at Allen Craig strutting around with two first names while R. Kelly’s only got an initial.  Craig is set to return from the DL.  Probably won’t play 2nd base, but whatever, that’s real baseball talk.  He’s eligible there in most fantasy leagues.  He could get teen homers and a handful of steals with everyday playing time, which he should have.

Kyle Drabek – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, as he lowers his ERA to 2.40 while striking out nearly a batter per inning.  I’ve told just about anyone who’s asked in the comments that they should pick up Drabek, friend.

Brad Lidge – He’s gonna miss May with hernia surgery.  So he went from Vertigo to Nads on a Strain.

Tom Milone – 4 2/3 IP, 7 ER in Fenway.  Eh, even in our deep leagues we benched Milone here.  Don’t hate the playa (not Spanish for beach), hate the game.

Kevin Youkilis – Was scratched with a sore back.  Weird, that usually happens to me with an itchy back.

David Ortiz – 2-for-3 with his 5th and 6th homers as he bats .405 with 20 RBIs.  Of course I should’ve just drafted Ortiz in the 2nd round instead of Giancarlo Stanton.  I will now lock myself in my cry closet.

Jason Hammel – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  His ERA is now at 1.97.  Good thing Matusz was the Orioles starter to watch coming out of Spring Training.  Sideways emoticon with an elbow nudge.

Ryan Braun – 3 homers in Petco with the 2nd one being airmailed, but it still counted.

David Robertson – 1 IP, 3 Ks.  K-Rob’s ERA is 0.00 and WHIP is 0.91, having allowed 7 baserunners in 11 IP to go with his 18 Ks.  He’s owned in 12% of ESPN leagues and he’s headed for a better year than probably at least two of the starters on your fantasy team.

Patrick Corbin – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Isn’t this Patrick Corbin guy the one Carrie bides her time with while she waits for Mr. Big to come to his senses?  She looks like a horse; horses are hot; what else do you need, Mr. Big?  Any the hoo!  In mixed leagues, wake me when Trevor Bauer’s called up.  Or even Tyler Skaggs.  Or Boz Scaggs.

Justin Upton – 2-for-5 with his 2nd homer and the Desmond Jennings Special, a slam & legs.  Call a fireplace cause Upton looks like he’s starting to swing some hot lumber!  Can someone give me an AM radio-style bassoon, triangle, horn?

Paul Goldschmidt – 1-for-3 with a steal as he bats .193 and hit cleanup. Pretty appropriate since he’s been dirtying fantasy lineups all year.

Justin Morneau – Left yesterday’s game with a sore wrist.  This Justin, Morneau’s an injury waiting to happen.

Bryan LaHair – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer.  For those who are like, “LaWhere did this come from?”  He hit 38 homers last year in the PCL.  Granted the PCL fills their baseballs with helium, but he’s still got power to spare.

Tony Campana – 0-for-4 with a run and a steal.  When he’s in the dugout, the Cubs hang him from a coat hanger and his legs continue to run.

Matt Kemp – Hit his 12th homer yesterday.  The Padres collectively have 11, Cubs have 8 and Infante has 5.

Juan Nicasio – 6 IP, 2 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks.  That looks about right for the line you can expect from Nicasio.  Maybe a touch more K and a tad less LOB.

Vance Worley – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks as he was done wrong by his bullpen that gave up his win.  He’s probably suffering from Münchausen Syndrome because of the rest of the starters in the majors.

Pedro Alvarez – 1-for-4 with his 5th homer.  Fine, I picked him up.  I had a gaping hole left by Zimmerman, so, with a heavy heart, I went back to the Pedro Alvarez well.  The worst thing that could’ve happened was I ended up ignoring Alvarez this year because of how burnt I got last year.  The 2nd worst thing that could happen is I get burnt again this year.  Yay.

James McDonald – 7 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 10 Ks.  There’s the old (once-hyped) McDonald.  Has now strung together back-to-back solid starts with excellent Ks.  I don’t think he’s going to be without his hiccups.

Mike Minor – 6 1/3 IP, 7 ER, 11 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Speaking of hiccups, looking at Minor’s start would cure his owners of them.  I’m guessing with 11 baserunners, seven earned and 9 Ks through 6 and a third, he was pretty unlucky.  Too bad I don’t play in any FIPpin’ leagues that care about luck.

Delmon Young – Suspended for 7 days after an incident where he was allegedly yelling anti-Semitic remarks.  Delmon said he was just playing Words With Friends.

I watched Mat Latos yesterday.   Now I want an eye transplant with someone that watched Jamie Moyer pitch (not when he was first called up because that eye transplant would have cataracts).  I wish I could pinpoint what the problem is with Latos, besides looking terrible.  He was hitting 95 MPH on the maybe-a-tad-Reds-friendly radar gun for three straight pitches to Beltran.  Unfortunately, he threw all three friggin’ pitches in the exact same spot, so, of course, Beltran turned on one.  Then he made the next hitter, Holliday, look terrible with offspeed stuff.  Like a bachelorette order form, is there somewhere I can check for him to mix in the junk?  Does Mesoraco only have one finger on his pitch-calling hand?  Is Latos giving up early runs so Dusty can’t throw him into the 11th inning?  How do you even give up 5 earned runs in the first two innings on only 6 baserunners?  Is that even mathematically possible with only one two-run homer?  Why are you making me wrack my brain?  And why are you giving up a two out triples to the opposing pitcher?!  Latos gets the Giants next.  If he can’t make them look like a team that has only three hitters, and one of which they bench, then Latos is going to my bench for the foreseeable future.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Krispie Young – The MRI revealed a ligament tear and who wins this year’s Biggest Loser.  Damn you, MRI, and your spoilers!  Krispie’s headed to the 15-day DL and the Diamondbacks say he should be fine after a couple of weeks of rest.  With a ligament tear in his shoulder?  Sounds like they have a ligament tear in their silver lining.  This sounds like something that won’t only sideline Krispie for longer than 15 days but also leave him at less than 100% for the rest of the season until an offseason of rest.  It’s pretty terrible news.  Rico Suave should see the majority of the time in the outfield while Krispie gets himself right.  Parra’s pretty yawnstipating from a fantasy perspective for mixed leagues.  In NL-Only leagues, he should get you some counting stats.   (Wanna hear something that says so much?  I added yawnstipating to my computer dictionary.  It’s right there in my virtual dictionary next to dork.)

Justin Upton – Where is thumbkin?  Back from the MRI to say Upton needs a few days of rest with a bone bruise on his thumb.  He did get into yesterday’s game as a pinch runner.  Would be just wonderful if he had to slide head first.  Hope Kirk Gibson didn’t slo-mo arm pump that in-game move.

A.J. Pollock – 0-for-3 with a caught stealing.  How many players does it take to fill-in Krispie’s roster spot?  One Pollock.  He has good speed (36 SBs last year in the minors), but it’s not clear how much he’ll actually play.  Might just be a bat for a few days until Justin’s thumb stops being Upton no good.

Brett Gardner – To the DL with a strained elbow.  Huh?  What’s he running on his hands like Encino Man?  You don’t need an elbow to bunt and run.  Put your elbow in a sling and call it macaroni!  This kills my RCL team (well, Krispie’s loss kinda hurt that too), but how is there only one DL spot in the RCLs?  What were we thinking?  Guys (and 4 girls), talk some sense into me Charlotte sometimes, would cha please?

Hiroki Kuroda – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Starts like these in The House They Built Across The Street From The House Ruth Built is the reason why I told people to not draft him.

Lance Berkman – Puma reaggravated his calf injury and might hit the DL.  Coincidentally, my Cougar’s out for a day or two with shingles.

Carlos Beltran – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam & legs.  That’s 5 homers and 3 steals.  Maybe he’s this year’s old player who comes out of nowhere and has a renaissance year.  How do we not have a term for this in the glossary?  Please suggest in the comments.  Thank you.

Brad Lidge – Davey Johnson revealed that Lidge suffers from vertigo.  Still waiting for Davey to choose a closer, or more accurately, to explain The Trouble With Henry.

Ivan Rodriguez – Announced his retirement.  Let’s remember the days when his nickname Pudge wasn’t ironic due to the banning of illegal substances that caused him to lose all muscle mass.  Pour some andro out for him.

Cliff Lee – 10 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks.  I feel like a ten inning game is more rare than a no hitter. (I probably could find out if that was true at the ol’ Google.)  Through 10 innings, he threw 102 pitches and 81 of those were strikes.  Let’s just say, The Adverb was more than suffixient.

Bartolo Colon – 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Lincecum who?

Matt Cain – 9 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Bartolo Colon who?

Brian Wilson – Undergoing Tommy John surgery today.  They’re still evaluating whether they hairnet his beard or if they have to shave it.  If they shave it, the surgery is due to end on Sunday and the homeless family of Lilliputians will need to be relocated.

Brandon Morrow – 6 IP, 6 ER, 11 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Walks really got him in this game…and the hits…and the runs…and the lack of Ks.

Mark Buehrle – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Of course he pitched a gem.  Why wouldn’t he?!  Why would I want this kind of start from Latos?!  I must be crazy!  Yeah, still a little annoyed at Latos.  And another thing, if Latos didn’t seem so detestable of a personality, I might be able to let it go!

Joel Hanrahan – Tweaked his Hanrahammy.  Should be good to go by the weekend.  In his place…

Juan Cruz – Guess who has more saves than Jordan Walden and Heath Bell combined?  I grabbed Cruz in one league, then dropped him when I had to fill in for Gardner.  Cruz may not see another save all year.  If you’re very desperate, then specloselate.  (On a related note, I thought of what we can call a top closer’s set-up man, a side salad.)

Grady Sizemore – Cleared for baseball activities.  He’ll probably pull his groin scratching himself.  I’m only half-punning.

Juan Francisco – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer in as many games.  The Braves are committed to Glass Chipper like Aguilera should be committed for eliminating Jesse Campbell, but Francisco’s a good name to watch in deep leagues in case he can get more playing time.

Jair Jurrjens – 4 IP, 4 ER.  Can the editor who recut Star Wars take Jar-Jar out of the Braves rotation too?

Dan Uggla – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs with his first homer.  Still wanna sell him for Skip Schumaker and a bag of Fritos?

Luke Scott – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 3rd homer.  Member I said last week to pick him up?  Yeah, nothing’s changed yet.

Matt Joyce – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 1 RBI and his 2nd game in a row with a homer.  If he’s gonna hit, it will be in the first half.  It’s Joyce to wit.

Justin Morneau – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs with his 3rd and 4th homers.  Only cussword his fantasy owners are hearing this year is refocused.

Matt Capps – 1 IP, 1 ER and the save.  Could he save a game without giving up a run?  Just a question.

Kevin Youkilis – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs with his first homer.  Youuuuuuuk, speaking through his agent, said, “Tell Valentine there’s his motivation.  And Sugarhill Gang invented the rap.  So there!”

Lucas Harrell – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Anyone with a rotation spot, you own in NL- or AL-Only leagues, so I grabbed Harrell in an NL-Only league.  Never looked at his stats.  Just grabbed him.  Then he pitched well yesterday for the second time in three starts and I was like, “Hey, this guy’s awesome!  I wanna see his minor league stats.”  So I Googled his name to see his minor league stats, and Googled asked me, “Are you sure you want to see his minor league stats?”  Yes, Google!  Give ‘em to me!  “Oh.”  That was my reaction after seeing his stats.  Um, yeah, I wouldn’t touch him in mixed leagues.

Aramis Ramirez – 2-for-4 with his first homer.  He’s alive!  I think.

Omar Infante – Out until Friday with a groin strain.  It happened when he was running away from Hanley carrying a bottle of hair dye.

Pedro Alvarez – 1-for-3 with his 2nd homer.  He’s batting .074 on the year.  To get results from Alvarez, the Pirates threatened him with a demotion to Triple-A or worse a trade to the Orioles.

Jake Peavy – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Yes, you should own him.  No, I’m not joking.

A.J. Pierzynski – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer.  When I say hot, you say schmotato.

Doug Fister – Felt renewed discomfort in his abdomen.  For Fister owners, that’s a punch to the gut.

Prince Fielder – 2-f0r-4, 2 RBIs and a steal as Major League Baseball tried to increase offense by moving 2nd base five feet from 1st.

Chase Headley – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and TWO HOMERS?  He had two homers the entire 1st half last year, and two homers the entire 2nd half for four (stutterer!) total.

Michael Cuddyer – Homered then left Wednesday’s game with a bruised toe.  If Cuddyer needs to miss time, guess who gets some time?  No, not Eric Young Jr.  Tyler Colvin.  Could be some pop there.  Keep your eyes peeled in deep leagues.

Juan Nicasio – 6 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Eh, I’ve seen better starts.  Buehrle, for instance, that was better, but I’d continue to roll with Nicasio in most leagues.

Derek Holland – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Kinda wish I had Holland instead of Latos right now.  Okay, I’ll let it go.

Kirk Nieuwenhuis – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 1 RBI and a steal.  I’ve seen some people in the comments ask if they should pick up Kirk.  Don’t cheat, Razzballers.  Ask if you should pick up Nieuwenhuis.  If I gotta spell that shizz, so do you.  And, yeah, you should pick him up.  Kinda like how I’ve been saying that in the last two weeks of Buys.  Yesterday, he hit leadoff.  That probably won’t hold, but Bay’s name is short for Sickbay, as in he hasn’t been good in years, and Duda hasn’t had much zippity, doo or dah recently.

R.A. Dickey – 4 1/3 IP, 8 ER.  More like U.R.A. Dickey.

There’s a saying in Arizona, “Just when you get really good at your job, your career hits a wall and a Mexican comes along and takes the job from you.”  The only difference in Krispie Young‘s case is that Gerardo Parra is Venezuelan.  Krispie was literally the only one hitting on one of my teams and now… I’m crying into my soup, because the soup was bland and my tears are salty.  I’m resourceful.  But that’s one sonavawrench thrown into my team’s plans!  As of press (post? blog? this shizz?) time, details were scant and info was un-nigh and far between.  The D-Backs are saying it’s a shoulder bruise, but he’s going for an MRI.  Hopefully, the MRI doesn’t reveal any structural damage or structurel demega on a typewriter with keys transposed.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday for fantasy baseball:

SIKE!  Before we get into today’s roundup, we have a double SIKE!  First, “SIKE” is for a huge announcement we have coming later today.  The second “SIKE!” is the podcast is up for download.  The announcement is actually talked about a bit on the podcast.  So you get a sneak peek (a sneak listen?) if you so choose to… It’s something I’m proud of that isn’t mustache related.  I think you guys (4 girls) are gonna love it too.  Anyway II, here’s the roundup and podcast:

Download from iTunes

Download directly the Razzball Podcast.

Justin Upton – Has no home runs and no RBIs and is batting .212.  Don’t worry though, it’s only a jammed thumb he’s been nursing.  Nursing a thumb?  Thumb sucker!  The injury to his thumb was rumored to happen when Kirk Gibson missed a meeting and a substitute coach let Justin lead a rousing game of 7-up.  Little did he realize the strength of Paul Goldschmidt would injure his thumb.  Upton sat yesterday and he’s going for an MRI today, too.  Hey, if Diamondbacks send a pitcher for an MRI, they can get a pickup game in the waiting room!  I’m sure one day of rest will fix something that’s been bothering Upton for a week.  For those without the sarcasm gene — or sanscasm — I’m concerned about Upton.  Too soon to panic.  Sit tight.  Simon didn’t say sit tight.  Gotcha.

Santiago Casilla – Got the save yesterday and backing up what Bochy had said earlier about Casilla being first in line, which backs up what I said last week when I grabbed Casilla only to drop him the next day and watch Rudy pick him up.  FMFBBL.

Gio Gonzalez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Yum-yum.

Brad Lidge – Got the save yesterday as Johnson keeps Eeny Meeny Miney and Moe’ing his closers.  So friggin’ stupid.  HanK-Rod has a zero ERA and strikes out everyone; Lidge puts runners on every game and it gets harrowing!  (Gets harrowing?  It sounds like I’m writing crappy Buffy fan-fiction.)

Colby Lewis – Mr. Popular on Razzball’s 2012 expert leagues overcame a Sparky Anklebiter 2-run HR in the 1st inning to deliver a very solid win in Boston (7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks).  The jeers in Boston started with “Hey Colby — you stink like cheese” and “Hey Colby — go back to your college in Maine with your frigin’ liberal ahtsy fahtsies” to “Hold me, Colby” by the fat drunk girl in the Nomah jersey.

Josh Hamilton – 3-for-5 with a HR and 5 RBIs.  Now at 5 HRs and 11 RBIs with a .413 AVG.  Someone’s got his eye on the MVNK award (Most Valuable Non-Kemp).

Mike Napoli – 3 for 5, 4 RBIs, 3 runs, 2 homers and a 1B with catcher eligibility.

Giancarlo Stanton – 1-for-3 as he was moved to 6th in the order.  This is what Ozzie was thinking about for the last 5 games during his exile.  So that means Stanton’s gonna have to hit, like, 40 homers in a game to convince Ozzie he was wrong.  You gotta better chance of Ozzie being named Little Havana’s Man of the Year.  Andy Garcia’s got that shizz on lock for a decade anyway.

Heath Bell – Throws a scoreless 9th for his first save.  Now down to a 9.00 ERA.  It says something when that’s actually pretty good considering all the drafted closers this year.

Hanley Ramirez – Game winning 3-run HR at Crayola Canyon.  No es mal contente!

Starlin Castro – 2-for-4 with his 7th steal.  You know who loves Castro (the non-killing people one)?  This guy with two thumbs, a mustache, two eyes, a terrible Jersey accent and a cougar girlfriend.  That’s who!  (But doesn’t own him anywhere.  Sad trombone.)

Ryan Dempster – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Whenever I see his name I can’t help singing, “Demps and a bump, Demps and a bump, we like the starters that go Demps and a bump!”  Maybe it’s just me.

Asdrubal Cabrera – Could miss a few days with a death in his family.  It wasn’t Miggy or Melky.  Anyone hear from Everth Cabrera recently?

Kyle Lohse – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Mr. April throws another beaut.  His ERA is sub-1.00.  Maybe he can give some pointers to Lincecum.

Austin Jackson – Just when you want to believe he’s turned a corner, he goes 0-for-4 with 3 Ks…..against the Royals….with Bruce Chen pitching (for the first 2 Ks).

Adam Lind – 3-for-3, 3 RBIs with his 1st homer.  I’m not going to mention how you wanted to drop him so bad because he had 9 bad games in a 162 game season, but I’m warning you now.  If he goes on a tear, I’m gonna take off the gloves and not only mention it by saying I’m not mentioning it, but I’m going to actually mention it.

Jose Bautista – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer.  Maybe he doesn’t want to spite me by having his first bad season after it took two years for me to like him.

Brett Lawrie – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer.  #outofthe7hole

Javy Guerra – Blew yesterday’s save.  Over/under that Jansen is the closer by July moves to June.

Jason Heyward – 1-for-4 with his 4th steal.  Did someone buy him for Christmas a ticket to the Davey Lopes SAGNOF seminar?

Drew Smyly – 6 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. the Royals.  Obviously a solid start, but I haven’t changed my opinion on him from last time.  Outside of deep leagues, it’s tough to own him.

Yovani Gallardo – Nice home start against Dodgers (7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks).  Even better — just one BB after 7 BBs in his first two starts.  Then K-Rod comes in and lets Ethier go-yardo to blow the lead.  At least he got the quality start, right QSers!

Mat Gamel – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 1 RBI and a slam & legs.  1st homer of the year, but his 3rd steal.  Guess if you’re trying to replace Prince, it’s best to start at steals and work your way up from there.

Brett Gardner – 2-for-2, 3 runs, 1 RBI and a steal.  Here’s an idea for those that lost Ellsbury.  After Gardner is sitting out a game and his owners are frustrated, try to trade a small piece for him.  I think he gets 50 steals.

Mark Teixeira – Out a few days with influenza.  A-Rod said, “Don’t look at me.  I only have herpes.  No flu.”

Johan Santana – 1 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 5 baserunners.  Left after having throwing 55 pitches.  He should have to donate this game’s salary to the victims of Bernie Madoff.

Wei-Yin Chen – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  First game: 5 2/3 IP; 2nd game: 5 1/3 IP, and by the 6th inning the Orioles are hungry again for another pitcher.

Wandy Rodriguez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks.  You’d take that start from Wandy every day and twice on Muesday.

Johnny Damon – Should be ready in a week.  Those with a “Good Hair” category in their league should be pumped.

Gordon Beckham – 0-for-3.  Now hitting .103.  It’s getting so bad that they pinch hit Fukudome for him.  Or maybe Fukudome thought he heard his name when Ventura realized that Beckham was coming up for a critical 9th inning AB.

Jesus Montero – 1-for-4 as the Mariners gave him the start at catcher (3rd of year!) and DH’d John Jaso.  That’s how much they didn’t want to start Miguel Olivo.

Jamie Moyer – 7 IP with no ER at Coors.  Granted, only 1 K and against the Padres but still.  Hope they have tapioca pudding at the post-game buffet.

Jon Lester – 2 IP, 7 ER, 12 baserunners.  Fickin’ ay.  Give ‘em some chicken and beer if it’ll stop him from throwing a crappy start like this again.

Cincinnati Reds – Their 4th through 8th hitters last night (Rolen, Bruce, Ludwick, Stubbs, and Hanigan) are all hitting .200 or less.  At least they’re not clogging up the bases right, Dusty?

Chase Utley – Phils’ GM said Utley’s knee “seems to be improving.”  Last week the GM said Utley’s knee “seems to be improving.”  So Utley isn’t the only thing that’s broken.