Fantasy Baseball Advice

On the heels of the top 20 closers for 2012 fantasy baseball — or heals if you’re talking strictly about Huston Street and Andrew Bailey — comes every closer for 2012 fantasy baseball.  This is the post you’ve all been waiting for since earlier this morning!  Sorry to put you through that hour and a half of anguish/anticipation or anguishipation.  You were a melancholy soul.  But now you’re happy — yay.  It’s still Monday funday!  There were quite a few moves this offseason with closers relocating to greener pastures, or in some case, just different pastures.  Maybe that’s best expressed through the cliché mash-up — the grass isn’t always greener pastures.  Andrew Bailey moved, Mark Melancon moved, Ryan Madson moved, Huston Street moved, Heath Bell moved, Rafael Betancourt moved into the closer role, Sergio Santos moved and Joe Nathan moved.  A regular ol’ closerousel that we haven’t see the likes of since Tony La Russa retired (technically, that’s correct; though not exactly that long ago).  Anyway, here’s all the closers for 2012 fantasy baseball:

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.

1. Craig Kimbrel (Jonny Venters)
2. John Axford (Francisco Rodriguez)
3. Drew Storen (Tyler Clippard, Brad Lidge)
4. Mariano Rivera (David Robertson, Rafael Soriano)
5. Jonathon Papelbon (Antonio Bastardo)

Donkeycorns

Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns.

6. Jose Valverde (Joaquin Benoit, Octavio Dotel)
7. Brian Wilson (Sergio Romo, Santiago Casilla)
8. J.J. Putz (David Hernandez, Takashi Saito)
9. Heath Bell (Juan Leo Carlos Nunez Oviedo, Mike Dunn)
10. Carlos Marmol (Kerry Wood, Jeff Samardzija)
11. Joakim Soria (Jonathon Broxton, Greg Holland)
12. Joel Hanrahan (Evan Meek)
13. Ryan Madson (Sean Marshall, Nick Masset)
14. Kenley Jansen (Javy Guerra, Todd Coffey)
15. Jason Motte (Eduardo Sanchez)
16. Huston Street (Luke Gregerson)
17. Andrew Bailey (Mark Melancon, Bobby Jenks)
18. Sergio Santos (Francisco Cordero)
19. Jordan Walden (Scott Downs, LaTroy Hawkins)
20. Kyle Farnsworth (Joel Peralta, Jake McGee)

Brain Freeze

I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Chris Perez– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Asdrubal in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.

21. Frank Francisco (Jon Rauch, Ramon Ramirez)
22. Rafael Betancourt (Rex Brothers)
23. Matt Thornton (Jesse Crain, Addison Reed)
24. Joe Nathan (Mike Adams, Alexi Ogando)
25. Brandon League (Shawn Kelley, Hong-Chih Kuo)
26. Chris Perez (Vinnie Pestano, Tony Sipp)
27. Jim Johnson (Kevin Gregg, Matt Lindstrom)
28. Matt Capps (Joel Zumaya, Glen Perkins)
29. Brian Fuentes (Grant Balfour, Joey Devine)
30. Juan Abreu (Wilton Lopez, David Carpenter, Fernando Rodriguez, The Ghost of Ed Wade’s Toupee)

Friends, neighbors and Razzballians, this is the last Closer Look of the season.  Sure, I’ll talk about closers during the roundups in the last month, but no more rankings that become dated usually about an hour after I post them.  The sadness!  The grief!  The inconsequence of it all!  Since our last look at all the closers, the loss of Brian Wilson — not The Beach Boy, we lost him 25 years ago to the purple pills — is the biggest news from last month to now that isn’t weather related.  I’d say we also lost Jon Rauch, but I’m not sure he was ever the closer and he’s seven-three so you can’t really lose him.  Just look up.  Bobby Parnell finally took over for Izzy after his momentous 300th save that was reported all across the globe (in a small blurb under a classified ad for a used couch.)  Jason Motte got a vote of confidence from his manager then a vote of no confidence, which I’m sure will flip-slop at least five more times in September.  Jordan Walden fatigued, needs a nap.  Huston Street got hurt — shocker!  Leo Nunez did his usual late-season dive.  Finally, Gregg gaggs yet aggain, but he’s been like that for years and it’s never changed his job security.  He’s the Teflon Closer.  Anyway, here’s all of the closers for your fantasy baseball team, as of right now:

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.

1. Mariano Rivera (David Robertson, Rafael Soriano)
2. Craig Kimbrel (+6) (Jonny Venters, Scott Linebrink)
3. Heath Bell (-1) (Chad Qualls, Luke Gregerson, Ernesto Frieri)
4. Jonathan Papelbon (-1) (Daniel Bard)
5. Jose Valverde (-1) (Joaquin Benoit, Ryan Perry)

Donkeycorns

Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns.

6. Carlos Marmol (Kerry Wood, Sean Marshall)
7. John Axford (+5) (Francisco Rodriguez)
8. Joel Hanrahan (-1)(Jose Veras, Chris Resop)
9. Francisco Cordero (Aroldis Chapman)
10. J.J. Putz (+4) (David Hernandez)
11. Kyle Farnsworth (+5) (Joel Peralta, J.P.Howell)
12. Neftali Feliz (+11) (Mike Adams, Koji Uehara, Mike Gonzalez)
13. Drew Storen (+5) (Tyler Clippard, Sean Burnett)
14. Sergio Santos (-3) (Matt Thornton, Chris Sale)
15. Chris Perez (+10) (Vinnie Pestano, Tony Sipp, Rafael Perez)
16. Ryan Madson (+3) (Brad Lidge, Antonio Bastardo)
17. Joe Nathan (+1) (Matt Capps, Glen Perkins)
18. Joakim Soria (Aaron Crow)
19. Brandon League (+1) (Jamey Wright)
20. Andrew Bailey (-5) (Brian Fuentes, Grant Balfour)
21. Javy Guerra (+5) (Kenley Jansen, Matt Guerrier)

Brain Freeze

I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Kevin Gregg– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Brian Roberts in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.

22. Jordan Walden (-1) (Scott Downs, Hisanori Takahashi)
23. Kevin Gregg (Jim Johnson)
24. Mark Melancon (Wilton Lopez)
25. Fernando Salas/Jason Motte (-4) (Octavio Dotel)
26. Bobby Parnell (+2) (Jason Isringhausen, Pedro Beato)
27. Frank Francisco (+3) (Casey Janssen, Jon Rauch)
28. Rafael Betancourt (-18) (Huston Street, Rex Brothers)
29. Steve Cishek/Leo Nunez/Edward Mujica (-17) (Mike Dunn)
30. Sergio Romo/Jeremy Affeldt/Ramon Ramirez/Santiago Casilla (-25) (Brian Wilson, Mike Love, John Stamos)

I was like, “Yo, Grey, you gotta do a Closer Look, like, last week so everyone knows what is the haps on closers!”  Then I was like, “After the trading deadline, which I went over in Toto, not a whole lot changes.”  Then I was like, “What is “the haps?”  The happenings?  Then say that.  And ‘in Toto?’  Are you talking in code for ‘in Total Douchebag?’”  It’s a constant struggle with myself to give you the best product, and, when I don’t give you the best product, it’s usually me blabbering about how it’s a constant struggle to give you the best product.  Incredibly, in the last month there’s only been three closer changes.  Capps to Nathan, Bastardo to Madson, which only happened because Madson was briefly injured last month when I did the last Closer Look, and D-ork to the Brewers, making Izzy the closer, which has been well documented on this site, and by ‘this site’ I mean the one you’re reading right now, not the porn window you have open underneath it.  Anyway, here’s all of the closers for your fantasy baseball team, as of right now:

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.

1. Mariano Rivera (David Robertson, Rafael Soriano)
2. Heath Bell (+3) (Chad Qualls, Ernesto Frieri)
3. Jonathan Papelbon (+1) (Daniel Bard)
4. Jose Valverde  (Joaquin Benoit, Al Alburquerque)
5. Brian Wilson (+1) (Sergio Romo, Jeremy Affeldt)

Donkeycorns

Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns.

6. Carlos Marmol (-3) (Sean Marshall)
7. Joel Hanrahan (Jose Veras, Chris Resop)
8. Craig Kimbrel (+3) (Jonny Venters, Scott Linebrink)
9. Francisco Cordero (Aroldis Chapman)
10. Huston Street (Matt Lindstrom)
11. Sergio Santos (+8) (Matt Thornton, Chris Sale)
12. John Axford (Francisco Rodriguez)
13. Leo Nunez (Edward Mujica, Mike Dunn)
14. J.J. Putz (+1) (David Hernandez)
15. Andrew Bailey (+3) (Brian Fuentes, Grant Balfour)
16. Kyle Farnsworth (+1) (Joel Peralta, J.P.Howell)
17. Joe Nathan (+5) (Matt Capps, Glen Perkins)
18. Drew Storen (-2) (Tyler Clippard, Sean Burnett)
19. Ryan Madson (+11) (Brad Lidge, Antonio Bastardo) 
20. Joakim Soria (Aaron Crow)
21. Brandon League (+2) (Jamey Wright)
22. Jordan Walden (+2) (Scott Downs, Fernando Rodney)
23. Fernando Salas (+3) (Jason Motte, Octavio Dotel)

Brain Freeze

I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Kevin Gregg– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Brian Roberts in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.

24. Neftali Feliz (-3) (Mike Adams, Koji Uehara)
25. Chris Perez (-17) (Vinnie Pestano, Tony Sipp, Rafael Perez)
26. Kevin Gregg (-2) (Jim Johnson, Mike Gonzalez)
27. Mark Melancon (Wilton Lopez)
28. Javy Guerra (+1) (Hong-Chih Kuo, Matt Guerrier) 
29. Jason Isringhausen (-15) (Bobby Parnell, Pedro Beato)
30. Jon Rauch (-1) (Frank Francisco, The Ghost of the Seagull that Dave Winfield Killed)

As Alex Rodriguez rehabs down in Miami, the heat (oofa!) is on his gambling habits.  “According to the baseball executive, MLB has yet to positively determine that Rodriguez took part in the (poker) games, which reportedly included actors Ben Affleck, Matt Damon, John Malkovich and that guy in that movie starring that other guy.”  Poker is a game played by men or women who will beat your ass, so you know A-Rod is only getting invited to these games because he’s probably the world’s worst poker player.  A-Rod’s favorite hand?  Jacks over Queens.  If A-Rod wants to avoid a suspension, he better take a long hard look in the mirror.  A-Rod, “I’m talking to the man in the mirror.  I’m asking him to make love to me.”  Man, A-Rod is so lame I almost feel bad making fun of him.  Then I think about his two trillion dollar contract and I wanna punch myself in the face.  Maybe this is how A-Rod hurt himself.  Favorite part, “This is no bluff.”  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Scott Rolen – Out for 4-6 weeks.  Or as they call it in the Rolen household, “Just another day not at the park.”

Yonder Alonso – Taking grounders at 3rd.  “Hey, this is Dusty Baker’s voicemail.  Sorry I couldn’t get your call but I was making out the lineup card without Yonder Alonso in it.”

Dontrelle Willis – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Some of you might remember this, but I had this hypothesis that Dontrelle was a herbathrowdite — you know a hitter trapped in a pitcher’s body — and when he was in the AL he never felt comfortable because he couldn’t hit.  Yesterday, he hit a homer and has a 3.41 ERA so far.  It’s a theory worth noting, not a reason to pick him up.

Casey McGehee – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs and 3 homers.  Did they throw out green top hats after he hit the 3rd?

Randy Wolf – 6 IP, 5 ER, 11 baserunners, 2 Ks.  After the game, Wolf announced he was Team Jacob.  So predictable.

Corey Hart – 2-for-5 with the slam and legs.  With a little ingenuity and three point font, I squeezed Hart into my top 100 for the 2nd half.  Well, whoop dee doo, Grey!  Okay, Random Italicized Voice, but he is hitting over .400 in the last week with two homers and a steal.  Well, la di da!

Edwin Jackson – 7 IP, 8 ER, 15 baserunners, 6 Ks as he tied his owners to the WHIPping post then cat o’ nine tailed them to death with earned runs.  When one player hits a homer off you, pitch around him next time.  When one player hits two homers off you, hit him in the square of the back next time.  If he jumps a jack, then you make him wail.  Listen to Brian Seltzer, or whatever his name is, he has all the answers!

Charlie Furbush – 5 IP, 1 ER, 2 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Impressive first start against Billy Beane’s A’s.  If the A’s were any more impotent against Furbush, you’d think Billy Bean was the GM.

Gio Gonzalez – 6 1/3 IP, 6 ER.  Now has given up 16 runs in the last 16 1/3 innings.  Um, not so good.  He gets the Jays next time out.  That’s not so good either.  Two negatives aren’t making a positive here either.

Josh Wilingham – 1-for-4 with his 16th homer as he hits over .320 in the last week with 3 homers.  It’s against my better judgment to recommend an A’s hitter, but The Other White Meat has been hitting.

Ryan Vogelsong – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks.  After a couple of just mediocre starts, guess he got his swagger back.  Truth.

Delmon Young – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and 2 homers.  Wednesday is Delmon’s thump day.  I’d say he hasn’t done much this year, but he really hasn’t done much in his career.  He had an okay 2nd half last year, so if you’re juggling 5th outfielders like a drunk clown, give him a shot.

J.D. Martinez – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 1st homer.  He’s playing every day now that the Astros are Pence-less.  In Double-A, he had 13 homers and a .338 average in 88 games.  He looks like a lock to hit for a good average (~.290) in the majors, but the homers may top out at 20.  He has little to no speed.  Stephen also gave him some love recently.  He wrote it while popping a bubble.

Billy Butler – 1-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 13th homer.  You can’t stop him, you can only hope to contain him, which is the motto for his line of manssieres.

Gavin Floyd – 2 1/3 IP, 10 ER.  Say uncle, Floyd.

Jason Marquis – **Writing this before the game**  5 IP, 4 ER.  **Back after the game** Okay, turned out I was a little too optimistic with the Marquis de Shat as he went 4 IP, 7 ER.

Eric Young Jr. – 1-for-4 with his 2nd steal in as many games.  I feel like a beat dog when I look at EY Jr. because of how many times I’ve been excited by him only to watch him disappoint.  He’s now started every day for a week and has 4 steals.  He’s capable of 15 steals in a month.  For what it’s Wuertz, I grabbed him in every league where he was available.  May you stay, Eric Young.

Dexter Fowler – 1-for-3, 3 runs and a steal.  You know the drill.  It’s SAGNOF, all day and night.

Chien-Ming Wang – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 0 Ks.  If you feel the need to grab Wang after this start, you might have some Freudian thing going on.

Jayson Werth – 1-for-4 with a homer.  Has now hit in every game in the last week with two homers and two steals.  When the guaranteed contract is in the bag and nothing is on the line, Werth is your man!

Jason Heyward – Sat again for Jose Constanza.  Who put Jason Heyward in the doghouse?  Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof.

Jason Kipnis – Sticking with the Jason theme, Kipnis now has 4 straight games with a homer.  If you want, leave your password in the comments.  I’ll take it from there.

Matt Stairs – In honor of his retirement, we go to a Razzball greatest hit from two years ago, “Bud Black said Stairs isn’t ready to return from the DL because “he hasn’t been able to run with intensity.”  Stairs can drink a beer with intensity.  He can grow a mustache with intensity.  He can probably take a crap with intensity.  If you’re waiting for Stairs to run with intensity, my guess is it will be a long wait.”  Fairly well, Stairs.

Charlie Morton – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, but got the no decision when the Pirates couldn’t score a run.  But what about Ryan Ludwick?!

Mike Napoli – 1-for-4 with his 17th homer and is now batting .293.  Seriously, take a moment and think about how you couldn’t keep Napoli on your team and then look again at a .293 average with 17 homers.  Who’s the schmohawk in this scenario?  It’s not me.  It’s definitely not Mike Napoli.  Go put your face up to the mirror like A-Rod.

Alex Avila – 2-for-3 with a homer.  He was mentioned somewhere… Oh, yeah!  Here.  Yesterday.  (Yeah, I busted out the one word douchey sentences.)  Now use your finger and scroll down.

Doug Fister – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 0 Ks.  I had a total brain fart when I saw his record was 4-12 with a 3.29 ERA and I saw he was pitching for the Tigers.  I was like, “How on earth is his record so bad– Oh, that’s right, he was on the M’s.”  Fister, you make me punchy.

James Shields – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks.  In his postgame interview, he said he couldn’t do it without Desmond Jennings.  Or he should’ve said that.  Tomato, tomahto.

J.P. Arencibia – Hit his 18th homer yesterday to go along with his .220 average.  Napoli’s hitting .293.

Brad Lidge – Got the save because Madson’s wife is having a baby.  I bet it’s Paul Giamatti’s baby.

Stephen Drew to postpone all ballroom dancing classes for six to nine months with a fractured ankle.  His wife Nancy isn’t gonna be happy.  More time for mystery solving!  If you haven’t seen the video of Stephen Drew, I’d wait for it on the big screen in Faces of Death:  The Drew Edition, which will also feature J.D. throwing out his back, knee, shoulder, back again and ‘pulling up short.’  We probably won’t see Stephen again this year, so it’s fine to drop him.  In his place, Cody Ransom, Quad-A/futility infielder.  He has 25 homers in Triple-A this year, and 9 homers in about ten years of on again/off again major league service.  You can probably do better.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Wilson Betemit – Castaway Wilson got volleyed to the Tigers yesterday.  Betemit has never received any modicum of respect in his major league career, if I’m using the word modicum correctly.  For the longest time, the Royals would drop the boom with prospect after prospect and Betemit would be MOS — ‘Mit Out Starting job — but now Betemit will take over 3rd base.  Brandon Inge must feel Blind Sided by this.  Maybe he should call Sandra Bullock or Big Mike to campaign for him.  Every bone in your body tells you you shouldn’t own Betemit, but why are you listening to bones?  Is that some voodoo shizz?  If you’re struggling with your corner infidel in deep mixed leagues, Betemit could provide some pop and average.  Of course, don’t drop anyone too worthwhile for him.  Still no respect!

Casper Wells – This was what Leyland said when he sent Wells down, “It’s a crying shame.  He doesn’t deserve to go down.  This one hurts because the kid has done a hell of a job.”  Apparently, the only thing harder than giving up Casper is giving up tobacco.  If only there was a Casper Wells patch!

Duane Below – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks.  He’s a pretty mediocre AL-Only option with a bleh K-rate in the minors.  Plus, Duane Below sounds like a What’s Happening episode where Raj and Rerun lost their friend’s hair pick.  Hey HEY….sob….hey.

Carlos Gomez – Broke his collar bone and will be out for a while.  Maybe Lastings Milledge can work “poppin’ collars like Carlos Gomez” into a song.

Dan Haren – 4 1/3 IP, 7 ER.  I thought we had a deal that someone was going to sneak into Haren’s room and turn the calender back to June?

Clayton Kershaw – 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 12 Ks.  He looked better than Lincecum, in both a straight and gay way.

Javy Guerra – Has six straight saves, an ERA of 2.18 and a perma-smile like the Joker.

Andre Ethier – Has 9 homers, zero steals and a .299 average.  Johnny Damon would be embarrassed by that line.

Dustin Ackley – 2-for-4 with his 4th homer in 26 games since he’s been called up.  He’s almost surely going to be overrated next year.  Damn you, half empty glass.

Chris Narveson – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Next, he gets the Cubs, then the Astros twice.  That’s a yes, please and thank you.

Jason Vargas – 3 IP, 5 ER.  How very JV of him.  Two straight bad starts, two reasons he should no longer be on your team.

Adam Dunn – Out with knee problems.  Ironically, this year his fantasy owners were forced to take a knee.

John Danks – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Solid start in his return from the Disabled List.  Or as Ozzie calls it, the Puta List.

Brad Lidge – Due back from rehab on Friday.  I’d make sure he comes with return postage for when he gets hurt again.  He won’t be the closer immediately, but the Phils merry-go-round closerousel could pick up in August.

Antonio Bastardo – Charlie Manuel hinted that Bastardo could remain the closer.  I hope Madson enjoyed screwing Charlie Manuel’s daughter (I imagine she looks like Cletus from The Simpsons with boobs) because for some reason he’s in the dog house again.  Or maybe Manuel was saying Madson would be the closer, but calling him a bastardo.

Vance Worley – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks.  He’d be cooler if his name was Van Swirley.  Last time Worley pitched well, I said he shouldn’t be pitching this well, but you should pick him up until he stops pitching this well.  Well, well, well…

Jimmy Rollins – 3-for-5, 4 runs, 3 RBIs and 2 homers.  The Cubs were mowed down by Philly — back again! — with a little east coast swing by the J, the I, the M, the M, the Y, y’all!

Michael Martinez – 2-for-5 with 2 steals.  Probably won’t hit over .240 but he has some speed and is playing while Polanco receives an epidural.  Betcha Polanco wishes he chose natural childbirth.

Ryan Dempster – 3 IP, 6 ER as Dempster goes back to the dumpster.

Edwin Encarnacion – 3-for-5, 4 runs, a home run and two steals.  Encarnacion goes through stretches where he gets crazy hot.  Right now, hitting near .450 in the last week with three steals and a homer and 17 for his last 40.  He’s a hot schmotato, ya’ll.

Travis Snider – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs and a home run.  Really shouldn’t be on waivers in any leagues at this point.

Jayson Werth – 3-for-5, and his 11th home run.  According to RCL updater, VinWins, Duffy’s Irish Pub in Washington, D.C. is matching beer prices to Jayson Werth’s average.  3 hits yesterday raised the price to $2.18.  For where I live (Los Angeles), a bar could match Ruth’s lifetime slugging percentage and be a good deal.

Lonnie Chisenhall – 2-for-4 and a home run.  Or as someone on Sportscenter probably said, Lonnie went gonnie.

Freddy Garcia – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks.  When I see Garcia’s season ERA at 3.21, I get as incredulous as De Niro when Spider talks back to Pesci.

Eduardo Nunez – 1-for-3 with 2 steals.  Now has 13 steals on the year (and 13 errors and 13 strikeouts and 13 times he’s name dropped Jeter to try and get laid).

Joe Nathan – 1 IP, 1 ER.  Still recorded the save, but it’s worth noting he gave up a run.  And noted.

Johnny Cueto – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Now has a season ERA of 1.98 as he went against Jeff Karstens (7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 1 K) and his 2.28 ERA.  To think we paid 20-something dollars for Gallardo in March… Cust frustrated.

Chase D’Arnaud – Now has 7 errors in 21 games played.  More like Chase D’Ball.

Jacoby Ellsbury – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs with his 14th and 15th home runs.  Member when I said in April Ellsbury and Gardner were the same player?  I kill myself sometimes.  Literally, I’m sticking my head in the oven.

Ricky Nolasco – 1 1/3 IP, 9 ER vs. the Padres.  San Diego bats haven’t been used this much since Cinco de Mayo.  Not sure if candy came out of Nolasco.

Will Venable – 2-for-4 with his 3rd homer as every hitter on the Padres got into the action.  San Diego’s offense yesterday was like Ralphie beating up Farkus.  Months of futility boiling up into an uncontrollable rage.  I just picture Jason Bartlett kicking and screaming, “Fickin’, shmikin…”