Fantasy Baseball Advice

The Royals physician diagnosed Danny Duffy with a torn UCL, which would mean Tommy John surgery.  In related news, Dr. James Andrews is filing a trademark lawsuit, saying he’s the only doctor that can shut down pitchers for longer than 60 days.  In sorta related news, Francisco Liriano is still waiting to come back.  In unrelated news, when Dr. James Andrews opens his milk, it goes bad immediately, then is good again in 280 to 360 days.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Dee Gordon – 1-for-4 as he hits .212.  I’m not pointing any fingers, but the ‘perts over at Yahoo owe some of you an apology for how high they ranked Gordon.  Tell them Grey, the ‘pert who told you to avoid Grandy and the .400 hitting Wright, sent you for an apology.  Write it in blood, Pianowski!  Elian Herrera was called up to replace the recently DL’d Juan Uribe.  In the minors, Elian was returned to Cuba to live with his father and now he feeds Castro grapes.  *checking notes*  Totally wrong Elian, mea culpa, my Latin American friends!  Herrera has crazy speed (33 steals in Double-A last year; 9 steals in 28 games this year).  He just ran into your room, tied your shoes together and ran out without you knowing.  Look down.  See?  For now, Herrera will play all around the field, but there’s rumors that he will take some playing time away from Gordon.  Mattingly said he doesn’t think Gordon needs to be sent down to the minors.  Okay, but it’s not good when it’s being discussed that a player might be sent down.  For now, I’d only grab Elian in NL-Only leagues, but it’s worth monitoring.  I’d continue to hold Gordon, but you might have to start figuring out a contingency plan.  Like standing outside of Dale Sveum’s house reciting reasons why Campana should get shortstop eligibility.  That would be one contingency plan.  Here’s your thinking.  Here’s the box.  Your thinking is not in the box, is it?

Matt Kemp – Headed to the DL with a hamstring strain.  Here’s some shorthand for, y’all.  When a player says under no uncertain terms that he will not land on the DL, petition your league manager to make him DL-eligible.  Kemp shouldn’t miss more than 15 days.  Yesterday, Bobby Abreu hit 3rd for the Dodgers in Kemp’s absence.  Lineups don’t get much ethier than that.  Lisper!

Desmond Jennings – On May 6th, he left a game with knee soreness.  The Rays said it wasn’t a big deal.  On May 7th, I said it was a big deal when a player needed to be lifted mid-game.  Now, over a week later, the Rays are putting Jennings on the DL after using him as a pinch hitter on Friday.  So he’ll be out another two weeks.  Is it too much to ask a team to not pinch hit a guy when he might need to go on the DL?  How is this ever a good idea?   Rhetorical!

Jeff Niemann – He’ll be out a few months after a comebacker fractured his fibula.  No lie.

Miguel Batista – 7 shutout innings against the Brewers.  Look who learned something at Dave Duncan sleepaway camp!

Brad Lincoln – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks with his third win as he outpitched Anibal Sanchez (7 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks).  FMFBBL!  Lincoln hasn’t been good for ellipse ever.   His K-rate is inflated because he was working in the bullpen and he’s on the Pirates.  Outside of NL-Only leagues, I wouldn’t go near him.

Daniel Nava – 1-for-2 with a homer.  He’s now 5 for his last 10 with 5 runs, 5 RBIs and a steal.  Here’s a short refresher about Nava.  He didn’t make his college team, worked as their equipment manager, finally played college ball, going undrafted in the major league draft then was cut by the Chico Outlaws, which I believe is the minor league affiliate for Chico’s Bail Bonds.  Maybe it’s all a ruse and Nava is a great prospect, who’s in the Witness Protection Program.  Just to be safe, he should have Marlon Byrd start his car for him.  For now, I’d grab him because he’s swinging a hot bat, but I wouldn’t expect much, even if that would make the perfect Nava script.

Brandon Morrow – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks and 5 unearned runs.  Holy ticker shock!

Bryce Harper – 1-for-4 as he hit his first homer.  After the homer, the Padres skipper tried to get it reversed, arguing there was too much pine tar under Harper’s eyes.

Ross Detwiler – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks vs. the Padres.  Ross, I would’ve been impressed with less runs.  I don’t know why the pitchers I stream can’t put on their big boy pants.  I should’ve went with Brad Lincoln.  It’s all about the Lincolns!

Henry Rodriguez – 1/3 IP, 3 BBs.  Before yesterday’s game, Davey Johnson said HanK-Rod is still the Nats closer.  After the game, Davey didn’t have to say anything.  Clippard could see some saves, Burnett might see a situational save or two, and Rodriguez, well, it was an okay run.

Bryan LaHair – 3-for-4 with a slam (#9) and legs (#1).  Shhh, don’t tell him that this is all a dream.  Just glad someone benefited from the movie, Inception.

Josh Reddick – 1-for-4 with his 9th homer, and 5th homer in the last ten games.  His last name sounds like an STD and he’s burning hot.

Elliot Johnson – 1-for-2 with his 6th steal.  Member how we were all excited about Jed Lowrie a few weeks ago?  Well, here’s your newest MI hot schmotato.

Allen Craig – 2-for-4 as he hit cleanup.  Can we just assume he gets two hits in every game so I don’t have to keep writing about him?  Thank you.

Tim Stauffer – 5 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Returned from the DL after a month plus of a sore elbow.  Someone forgot to read the explicit directions on his elbows.  Don’t feed after midnight.  Don’t get wet and don’t, under any circumstances, pitch in away games.

Yonder Alonso – 2-for-4 to raise his average to .300.  He’s hitting cleanup and he has 7 runs and 10 RBIs and 1 homer on the year, so the average is pretty empty.  At least the average is good though, I’m farting in your general direction Aramis Ramirez.

J.J. Hardy – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs with his 9th homer.  From the comments, I noticed something about Hardy.  People can’t wait for him to cool off so they can drop him.  To the point where they’ll drop him even if he’s still hot.  Just get J.J. off people’s teams!  Sigh.  I wish I had him on all my teams.

David Robertson – Missed out on the save because of sore ribs that have lingered since Friday.  When Fred Flintstone had ‘saur ribs, he was only out of commission for a day (after uprighting his car).

Christian Friedrich – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks.  Okay, it was against the Ain’ts in San Fran, but that would be a great start even against the Mariners.  Speaking of which, he gets them next.  Don’t mind if I do!

Troy Tulowitzki – Dexter Fowler hit a line drive that nailed Tulo in the leg.  Wait until Tulo finds out Dexter was using one of Ubaldo’s old bats.  Tulo stayed in the game, but then was lifted when he seemed to be favoring his leg.  As of this writing, it’s not known how long Tulo will be out.  Once someone tells me in the comments, I will let you all know.

Nelson Cruz – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer in as many games.  Hang on, Cruz owners, because he’s about to go into turbo and hit 10 homers over the next 12 days and then pull a hamstring.

Eric Hosmer – 0-for-4 to lower his average to .174.  I’ll be organizing a pray circle for Hosmer’s owners at 4 PM at the Reseda Kiwanis Club.  After we meet there, we will be tracking down all Adam Dunn owners demanding they give us his stats.

Freddie Freeman – Threw in the towel in the 7th with blurred vision in his right eye.  He needed Bobby Cox in his corner to tell him to piss lightning and crap thunder.

Randall Delgado – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  A few solid starts ago, I said monitor him.  Then a couple of solid starts ago, I said I’d pick him up in deeper mixed leagues.  Now, no more quantifying.  Pick him up.

Drew Smyly – 5 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Uh-oh, this might be the beginning of the end for his fantasy usefulness.  Sad emoticon.

Addison Reed – He got the save yesterday because it was getting too predictable the other way around.

Frank Francisco – 1 IP, 1 ER and the save.  The Mets decided to stick with their beleaguered closer and he rewarded their generosity by closing the door (after allowing a run).  Let’s see if you can guess what owning closers are similar to getting checked for:  Closers are completely nuts and after you grab them, they cough up runs.

David Wright – 1-for-3 with a run.  His average just dipped down below .400.  He’s a very good baseball player and I apologize I didn’t appropriately tout him during draft season.  May your piss and vinegar rain on my head.  Or if you looked at my slightly old draft sheet where I did tout him prior to his injury concerns, you’re welcome.

Yovani Gallardo – Still in the running for the most frustrating SP in the world.  Gives up only 2 hits in 6 IP vs the Mets and loses.  6 BB don’t help.  His ERA is still above 5, but it’ll be down sooner than his owners’ blood pressure.  Stay thirsty, Yovani.

Torii Hunter – Out for an unspecified amount of time as he deals with his son’s alleged sexual assault charges.  His son hopes to get this all cleared up and attend Penn State in the fall.

Yoenis Cespedes homered in yesterday’s second day of kinda real baseball played about six hours before I wake up.  I wonder where Cespedes is being drafted now.  When Rudy and I took our giant beach balls to early March drafts and took Cespedes in a bunch of drafts, he was going cheap.  I wonder if now all those other ‘perts are suddenly stepping up because others are excited about him.  I wonder if everyone else is a Monday morning quarterback with their advice.  I wonder if Yoenis will hit 30 mistake pitch homers.  I wonder if he’ll make adjustments and hit for a decent average too.  I wonder how this would sound read by Morgan Freeman.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in spring training (and real baseball) for 2012 fantasy baseball:

Bartolo Colon – 8 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks. I still wouldn’t go near him with a three foot churro. (Only partly because waving a three foot churro near Bartolo would be similar to going to a grizzly bear observatory wearing nothing, but bikini briefs made of Marshmallow Fluff. Talk about a Fluffernutter — oofa!)

Mike Carp – Mike Sashimi ended up on the DL after one game playing in Japan.  He should’ve never said, “Come on, pal!  Fugu me!”

Jason Vargas – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks.  I think Vargas is gonna have one of those seasons where you think because he’s the Mariners’ number two that he’s gonna take a number two on your stats, but he won’t.  For now, I’ll call him a Marginer with future appeal.

Jesus Montero – 1-for-3 as he started his 2nd straight game at DH.  Uh-oh.  I was hoping to see Montero start at least one of these games at catcher, but now it’s looking like he may only start when Olivo rests, which would mean once or twice a week behind the plate for Montero and mid-May for catcher eligibility.

Dustin Ackley – 0-for-4, knocking his season pace down to 81/81, but will probably come closer to 8/8, which looks like what Dorothy Hamill would put after her signature.

Justin Smoak – 1-for-4 with a homer.  Is there anything more satisfying than a home run for a guy you pick for two games before the season (actually) starts?  It was almost as satisfying to drop him right after.  It was like a one night stand where everyone has the same expectations.  (I promise you when there’s a full slate of games I won’t talk this much about the A’s and M’s.)

Jonathan Broxton – Royals are leaning towards Broxton for the closer role.  Perhaps a see-saw isn’t the fairest way to determine who should get saves.  Broxton is such a wild card at this point that you have to hold onto Holland in most leagues until he shows some level of dominance/health.

Carl Crawford – Looking at returning at the end of April.  With a wrist injury, I’d choose to March.  Valentine said he’ll only need 50 ABs in rehab, I said, “No, no, no.”

Bobby Abreu – The Los Angeles Suburb of Los Angeles Angels almost got rid of the Abreu-tross from around their DH neck last night.  He came inches from being an Indian, but now the chances of it happening have reduced to 50%.  If it happens, it’s better for both clubs.  I’m just not sure how much better it will be for Kendrys’s playing time.  Abreu wasn’t stealing much time from him anyway.  Stealing time from Kendrys is the fact that he missed 273 games in the last two years because he celebrates like a buffoon.  Angels have already said Kendrys will sit vs. lefties because of health.  Not because of the sourpuss with the big contract that they can’t get rid of.  Yeah, I used the word sourpuss.  Now get off my lawn!

Freddy Sanchez – Expected to start the year on the DL.  Welcome to the club, we expected that in October of 2010.  That’s like predicting a fart two years from now will smell.

Jeff Samardzija – Won a spot in the Cubs’ rotation.  He’ll be in the first Buy/Sell of the season later today.  You can hardly wait.  No, you.

Brian Wilson – Bochy said Wilson was never scratched on Wednesday, he wasn’t supposed to pitch.  So Brian Wilson owners can Smile.

Chris Perez – In five pitches, he threw a complete inning.  After the game, he said, “The quicker the inning, the more time for mullet grooming.”  He should be fine for Opening Day (The One Not Starting Between 3 AM and 6 AM.)

Scott Podsednik – Told reporters he’s not making the Phils’ roster with them opting for Juan Pierre.  Can’t him and Juan Pierre get into one pair of Ryan Howard’s pants and be a stealing hybrid that sounds like a French revolutionary, Robspierre.

Adam LaRoche – Returned to the Nats lineup after nursing a foot injury for, like, two weeks.  Is it me or is LaRoche always hurt?  He should change his name to Adam LaOuch.

Carl Pavano – A police search warrant revealed that a classmate of Pavano threatened to reveal a homosexual affair with the pitcher if he didn’t buy him an SUV.  I’ll never look at his porn mustache the same.

In the last installment of the grading process, we have to look at the bad – those guys I, Albert Lang, was totally wrong about. As always, in the comments, feel free to beat your chest about who you were high on relative to the rest of fantasy baseball players! Thanks for reading!

Joe Nathan – After doing some research and talking to some folks, I was pretty sure Nathan was healthy and undervalued. Well, that wasn’t the case. He stumbled out of the gates and has been bogged down by the suckitude of the rest of the Twins. His year would look better if the Twins were capable of doing anything, but 13 saves isn’t going to cut it. It’s the 31^st most at the position and less than Kevin Gregg, Javy Guerra, Frank Francisco and Matt Capps.

Madison Bumgarner– I don’t think I was more off on a player than Bumgarner. I had him as the 76^th best starting pitcher, while consensus had him around 37. I saw Bumgarner as an uninteresting 3.50 ERA pitcher with a WHIP around 1.25 and 130 Ks. I wasn’t totally off on the ERA (3.32) or WHIP (1.24), but man I didn’t think he’d pitch this many innings with this kind of K-rate. Bumgarner sits as the 30^th best SP in fantasy this season. Whoops!

Jair Jurrjens – Like Bumgarner, I was pretty far off on Jurrjens. I had Jurrjens as 99 among starting pitchers, consensus had him around 50. I had him pegged for a 3.90 ERA, 1.33 WHIP and 130 Ks. I was incredibly concerned about his durability. While I nailed his inability to rack up Ks for you (the Braves have shut him down and he has just 90 Ks), his ERA (2.96) and WHIP (1.22) more than make up for those shortcomings. In fact, Jurrjens is the 36^th best pitcher in fantasy this year.

Pablo Sandoval – I didn’t differ with consensus much on Sandoval, but enough to make it really matter. The “royal we” had Sandoval as the 12^th best 3b, I had him as 15. I said he was a .300 hitter (I was right there) but with moderate pop. His 23 HRs (while missing time with an injury) are the opposite of moderate. Sandoval is the 10^th best 3b this season.

Tim Hudson – I was way off on Tim Hudson. While he wasn’t loved in the community (39^th SP), I really hated on him (65^th SP). I pegged Hudson to finish with a 3.40 ERA, 1.23 WHIP, and 140 Ks. Well, Hudson is the 18^th best SP in 2011 with a 3.19 ERA, 1.13 WHIP and 150 Ks. He’s beaten my projections pretty well. He keeps going out there and converting balls in play to outs. Congrats!

Daisuke Matsuzaka – Man, that was a bad call.

Brian Roberts – I don’t know which sleeper call was more laughable, Brian Roberts or Dice-K. Probably Dice-K, because when I wrote the Roberts section he was, supposedly, technically, healthy. God, why wouldn’t the Orioles trade him two years ago?

Logan Morrison – I thought Morrison would be an 80 run threat with a decent average and some moderate pop. Well, the pop has been anything other than moderate (23 HRs in 462 ABs), however he has scored just 54 runs and batted a disappointing .247. He’s gotten on base and the power is a great sign going forward, but he didn’t do what I expected this year.

Bobby Abreu – I had Abreu as a .265-.270 hitter with a .360 OBP, 90 runs, 18-20 HRs and 23-25 SBs. He hit .253 with just 54 runs, eight HRs, but has 21 SBs and a .353 OBP. I’d like to call this one a push, but it isn’t. I was wrong; Abreu is in full on decline now. What a great career, but the lights have clearly gone out.

James McDonald – It should come as no surprise that I love James McDonald. I had him down for an ERA in the 3.00s, a WHIP around 1.30 and 180 Ks. Well, he has 142 Ks, a 4.21 ERA and a 1.49 WHIP. He has shown improvements, but that’s still a swing and a miss. That said, I did like him more than Carlos Carrasco, JA Happ, Mike Pelfrey, Randy Wells, Carl Pavano and Tim Stauffer. With the exception of Stauffer, I was dead on, making this just short of a clear push.

Brett Cecil – It just never came together for Brett Cecil the way I thought it could. I had him as the 62^nd best SP before the year, whereas he went largely unranked/undrafted by the masses. I saw an ERA somewhere between 3.85-4.15, 140 Ks and a WHIP in the 1.30-1.35 range. Well, the ERA (4.73) and WHIP (he’s at 1.33) are far from great. However, he never got the innings I thought he would and is sitting at just 87 Ks. I believe in him long-term, but he didn’t provide much value to teams in 2011.

Ike Davis – I personally blame the medical staff who work for the New York Metropolitans – but, then again, I know they haven’t been too successful lately. Moving forward, Mets players should have a Red Letter attached to their name.

Mike Aviles – I missed badly on Aviles. I ranked him as the 12^th best 2b and 9^th best SS. I believed he was capable of putting up a .290 average, 10-15 HRs and double digit steals. I must have been drunk when making that assessment.  Aviles is the 38^th best 2b, behind such standouts as Robert Andino, Brent Lilibridge and Aaron Miles. He fared a bit better against the shortstop pool, coming in at 30^th, although he is behind all glove, no-hit Brendan Ryan and Willie Bloomquist, who is all-nothing. He did have seven homers and 14 steals, but the .255 batting average and sporadic playing time made him worthless.

Jed Lowrie – It’s hard to say whether I was more incorrect about Lowrie or Aviles – it’s like comparing Bachman Turner Overdrive and Paul McCartney and Wings. I did couch my Lowrie prediction in a lot of qualifiers, but at the end of the day had him as a .274 hitter with 15 HRs and believed he was a likely top 25 player at the position. Sounds like a pretty flimsy projection. And yet, I still whiffed like Mark Reynolds does while batting/fielding. Lowrie, the 41^st ranked SS at the moment, is batting .252 and has tallied just six homers. He can’t stay healthy. I must repeat that to myself.

Daric Barton – Another horrible call. I truly believed Barton’s plate discipline would result in a cheap and easy 85 runs. I also saw him as similar to Gaby Sanchez from a few years ago, with double digit power + upside. It was clearly a deep league play, but I did advocate for Barton over James Loney. As for the tale of the tape: Barton has a .212 average, 27 runs and zero homers and has logged just 236 at bats. While Loney has sort of sucked, he’s been way better than that.

Aaron Hill – While I ranked him lower than where he was going in most drafts, I also thought Hill could bat .260 with 25 HRs and 70 runs/RBIs. The only thing that made his numbers approach my expectations was a trade to the desert. Hill currently sits at .246 with just eight homers. He does have 61 runs and 61 RBIs, so my 70/70 wasn’t too far off. But, yikes, 2009 was a long, long, long time ago.

Mitch Moreland – I thought Moreland would easily hit 20 HR and drive in 80 RBIs and that he could finish top 15 at 1b. Wow, was that wrong. Moreland has 16 HRs and never showed enough skills to get the PT required to reach 80 RBIs (he has just 51). He is not only outside the top 15 1bs, he isn’t even in the top 30.

Brandon Allen – Allen never got the playing time and he was really just a stab in the dark for me. Still, when he has gotten into games, he has done nothing. He has a .200 average and just six homers in 175 ABs.

Juan Miranda – The thought of Miranda having 20+ HR potential is laughable now. Fighting off Xavier Nady and Russell Branyan wasn’t even possible for the slugger who has sluggishly batted just .213 with seven homers in 174 ABs.

Ryan Hanigan, Josh Thole, A.J. Ellis – These guys never got the at bats to do anything. They were decent gambles, but hit just 11 HRs combined.

Mark Ellis, Sean Rodriguez, Eric Young Jr. – Ultimately they didn’t come close to anything resembling a sleeper. Thankfully, you couldn’t have spent much on them. Young did steal some bases, despite having a really hard time actually getting to first base – so there’s that!

Jose Lopez, David Freese – I thought both guys would be cheap enough to make any contributions worthwhile. Freese hasn’t played much because he has been hurt (typical), whereas Lopez hasn’t played much because he sucks (typical). Both have shown signs down the stretch, but were basically worthless throughout the year.

This will be the last time I mention Logan Morrison for some time.  Hashtag that.   Not that I don’t like him, it’s just I’ve given him enough press, assuming the word ‘press’ still makes sense even though I’m dictating this post to a Montessori-taught monkey that I’ll occasionally catch looking at me like he wants to kill me and take over Razzball, which makes dictating that even more awkward.  Imagine in 300 years when they find this post in a time capsule with Snooki’s poof.  They’ll read that monkey sentence and think they’ve figured out the major problem with our society was we had monkeys taking dictation only to be disappointed when they read this sentence.  Sorry, future reader!  We’re more complicated than that!  Whoa, that was a major sidetrack.  So Morrison was sent down because he needed to “work on all aspects of being a Major Leaguer,” which basically meant he used to grab his farts and throw them at Hanley.  If someone dropped Morrison when he was demoted, I’d go ahead and re-add him.  Or have your monkey re-add him for you.  I’m kidding, future reader, our monkeys don’t manage our fantasy teams.  They only give advice which we decide whether or not to follow.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Kyle Seager – The other day I compared him to Omar Infante.  I’ll see that comparison and raise him Martin Prado.  Personally, I don’t like guys like Infante or Prado outside of NL-Only leagues, but I also don’t like people who write personally either, so there’s that.  I’m a contradiction wrapped inside of lazy writing pitfalls.

Kevin Kouzmanoff – Picking up Kouzmanoff leaves a fantasy baseballer (<–my Mom’s term) in a spirited debate with themselves over God, free will, morality and why there aren’t any other 3rd basemen to pick up.

Jose Lopez – Hitting .333 over the last week with 2 homers.  This week’s third basemen pickups remind me of the Bottle Rockets song, “1000 Dollar Car.”  To quote, “If a $1000 car was truly worth a damn, then why would anybody ever spend ten grand?”

Danny Valencia – Hitting .333 over the last week with 2 homers.  Hmm… Just had deja vu.  Weird.

Jimmy Paredes – Leave it to the Astros to promote a guy straight from Double-A who wasn’t even playing that well.  But — and this is a J. Lo-sized but — he’s hitting right now, has speed and good position eligibility.

Eric Young Jr. – I’m unabashedly a fan, if I’m using the word unabashedly right.

Jeremonio Affirezo – That’s a portmanteau of Jeremy Affeldt, Sergio Romo, Santiago Casilla and Ramon Ramirez, i.e. the closerousel in San Fran.  Ram-Ram seemed like the first choice, but he didn’t look good on Wednesday and Casilla got the save.  But II, The Return of But, Romo returns this weekend.  But III, This But Is Gonna Be Huge, Affeldt could see saves if the ninth is mostly lefties.

Bobby Parnell – He’s getting saves for the Mets and he can win you a SpongeBob at a carnival with his 102 MPH fastball.

Steve Cishek – I just went over my Cishek fantasy.  I wrote it while eating the marshmallows out of my Lucky Charms.

Mike Minor – Has 52 Ks in 55 2/3 IP! *whispering fast*  With a 1.49 WHIP and 4.37 ERA.  *loud again*  Next he gets the Mets and the Dodgers.  Not in the same start.  Who is he, Joel Youngblood?

Stephen Strasburg – Set to return on September 6th.  Don’t Washington-area seismologists have enough to do?

Brandon Allen – After his two homer game, Bob Melvin said Allen would be the starter for the foreseeable future.  As long as his foreseeable replacement is Conor Jackson, Allen should play.  Sorry, CoJack, I don’t love you, baby.

John Mayberry Jr. – Charlie Manuel hinted that Mayberry could see everyday playing time even after Ibanez returns, saying, “Time comes when tadpoles gotta frog up.  Now where’s Utley’s pomade?  I gotta slide outta my uniform.”

Lucas Duda – Since August 14th, he has 4 homers.  Terry Collins knows when he’s got a good thing.  Like at 3rd base and shortstop when Reyes returns.  Duda’s a 20 homer guy if he plays all year.  Kinda like a poor man’s Willingham.  Or a Willingspam.

SELL

Gaby Sanchez – No Gaby Gaby!

Trevor Cahill – Has a 7.00 ERA post-All-Star break.  I’m thinking you can probably find that off waivers from someone else.  It’s a hunch, ya’ll!

Bobby Abreu – He’s over 60% owned in ESPN leagues, so he made my imaginary self-imposed cut off that I occasionally ignore.  What good is an imaginary self-imposed cut off that isn’t self-imposed?  Nada, nada, nada damn thing.

Justin Morneau – Right now, it’s kinda sad the way you keep going back to him.  The relationship is hurting both of you.  It reminds me of a line from my upcoming, breakout Middle East rap song, “Why can’t we get together and take it easy… I’ll be your Qaddafi, if you’ll be my Condoleezza.”

Jason Heyward sat again yesterday in favor of Jose Constanza.  I don’t want to shout fire in the theater of Razzball, but this isn’t good.  Constanza is making Heyward look like the best seller at the jerk store.  Actually, Heyward was kinda doing it to himself.  This year he has 12 homers and a .222 average.  Laynce Nix called and said he’s doing better.  I think Heyward’s still dealing with shoulder issues and “You got on the wrong side of Glass Chipper” issues.  Heyward can still be a star as soon as next year, but, for this year in redraft leagues, you need to start thinking like Big Boi and back up the back up plans.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Huston Street – Street’s closed, Rockies used alternative route to save the game with Rafael Betancourt.  Street’s soreness isn’t said to be serious enough for a DL stint, but Street’s been known to laugh in the face of ‘not serious enough for a DL stint.’  Since Lindstrom is out too, I’d grab Betancourt for potential vulturing.  If you need a dinette set, go with Rex Brothers.

Angel Pagan – Now has back-to-back games with a homer as he hits leadoff in Reyes’s stead.  Dan Brown’s newest book, Angel & Pagans, tracking Mr. Met to the Vatican may start to gain some believers.

Kyle Blanks – 2-for-4 yesterday and has two hits in each of the last five games, including two homers.  That all coincides with the Padres being on the road.  Hey, Ray Kroc Jr. Jr., when a 375 lbs. power hitter is intimidated by your home park, it’s time to move in the fences.

Jesus Guzman – 2-for-4 as Jesus continues to do everything but walk on water.  Though it’s only Wednesday.

Orlando Hudson – Left the game with a strained left groin.  Hehe, he has two groins.

J.D. Martinez – Hit his 4th homer in his last six games.  Legally I’m required to tell you I don’t think he’ll keep it up, but now it’s time to give J.D. his trial run.

Adam Dunn – Says he will alter his offseason training for next year.  This obviously means he’ll limit his axe swinging, so rejoice tree huggers!

Justin Morneau – Should return next Monday, which will forever be known as Mornday.

Carlos Beltran – Out a few days with a sprained wrist.  If he had a strained groin with his sprained wrist, I wouldn’t shake his hand.

Madison Bumgarner – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks, moving his record to 7-11.  Oh, thank heaven!

Dee Gordon – Left yesterday’s game with a sore right shoulder.  Here’s hoping his middle initial isn’t L.

Justin Smoak – Out with a jammed thumb.  He’s hitting .179 since the All-Star break.  Smoak’s cooking with liquid nitrogen!

Michael Pineda – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks as he faced Alexi Ogando (2 2/3 IP, 6 ER, 10 baserunners) which was billed by ESPN as The Battle of the Tiring Young Pitcher.  Mark Prior threw out the first pitch.  Well, he rolled the ball to the plate and then shrugged.

Endy Chavez – Hit his 5th homer yesterday or the same amount as Aaron Hill, who has turned my middle infield spot into a Dead Endy.

James Shields – 9 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Since his Oakland A’s start of 4 IP, 10 ER, he seems to have eaten a few power-up pellets and regained his Shields power.

Desmond Jennings – 1-for-3 with his 8th steal.  That’s in 17 games.  Conservatively, I’ll say he’s stealing two hundred next year.

Tsuyoshi Nishioka - 1-for-3, hitting .216.  He looks like Kaz Matsui 2.0.

Francisco Liriano – 6 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners (7 BBs), 4 Ks.  For those who can’t pick up on the context clues, 7 walks in 6 innings is not good.  Some would say it’s bad.  Johnny Cochran would’ve said it’s egregious.

Hanley Ramirez- Has been out since August 2nd as he nurses his shoulder.  He has a nipple on his shoulder?! Five dollars of imaginary money says Hanley will be DL’d in the next day or so.  As Jack McKeon said, “He wants to play, but if it bothers him and he can’t reach for the ball, what good is it?  Can I leave now?  You’re making me miss the early bird.”

John Buck – Has two straight games with a homer.  Or to misquote M.I.A., Bucky Gone Gone.

Brandon Beachy – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks.  Constantly amazed at how many people started asking if they should drop Beachy after his bad game in Coors and haven’t stopped asking.  He’s been that bad?  Not rhetorical!

Dan Uggla – His hitting streak is up to 30 games.  In other news, water is dry.

Zack Cozart – Sounds like he’s headed for season-ending surgery.  Dr. James Andrews, “Not ’til I say so.  Muahahahahaha…”

Dontrelle Willis – 8 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks.  Well, hello there!  Wow.  Where you been hidin’, Willis?  I wouldn’t add him in all leagues, but in some deeper ones or where you need to gamble, I’d look at him.

Esmil Rogers – 6 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks and his third decent start in a row. Rogers works with a mid-90′s fastball, slider, changeup– Wait, who am, Stephen?  Rogers should have a mid to high 7 K-rate and be in the rotation for the rest of the season as long as he doesn’t Mr. Bungle things.  Esmil, “Holy chicken mole, this is enormous pressure!”  In deep mixed leagues and NL-Only leagues, I’d grab Rogers to see if you can ride the lightning in a bottle or whatever that cliche is.

Josh Willingham – Hit his 2nd homer in as many games.  Willingham, that’s just not kosher.  Hasn’t cooled off since I labeled him a Buy on Friday.

Rich Harden – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Has more Ks than innings and finally looked impressive, like the old Harden.  Well, actually, the old Harden would’ve thrown out his back after a teammate high-fived him.

Bobby Abreu – 2-for-5 with two homers.  Abreu has been a good August hitter in the past, but his past goes back.  For instance, you might hear him say things like, “I remember when baseball’s weren’t hit with bats but with steroids.”

Eduardo Nunez – 2-for-3 with his 17th and 18th steals to go along with his 4 homers.  A-Rod has 13 homers and 4 steals.  So Nunez is definitely no flop, but A-Rod’s hole cards of 52 RBIs and 53 runs are obviously better.

Chien-Ming Wang – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners (1 Hit), 1 K.  He’s trying to get you to fall for the old-banana-in-the-tailpipe.  Don’t do it.

Corey Hart – Returned to the lineup (hand) and picked up right where he left off (homer) and hopes to continue (wearing sunglasses at night).

Kyle Gibson – Partial tear of his right elbow.  All those years his dad made him emulate his World Series trot couldn’t have helped.