Fantasy Baseball Advice

One guy you drafted in the 2nd round. The Ethier guy you drafted in the last round just so you’d have someone to draft when Rauch became the closer for the Nots. One guy will get drafted again in the first five rounds next year; the Ethier guy may be grabbed as a fifth outfielder then dropped when he’s doing a blahtoon with some other Dodgers schmohawk. None of this affects what you are doing for the next two weeks of this season. For realz! No, seriously. For realz! Don’t make me get punny…. Fine! Ethier you want to win or you don’t. No one’s going to say in October, “Hey, you came in 2nd, but at least you held onto Doumit. You owed it to him after all the great games he gave you in June.” Throw your loyalty out the window. Vlad was good okay in the summer, but the Angels have clinched and they’re going to rest their big man. Ethier has been the hottest hitter in all of baseball for over a month. Respectively, that’s buy and sell or drop and add at this point in the season, because they mean the same thing. You knew that though, that’s like Econ 101 in the Fantasy Baseball College of Charleston. Anyway, here’s some fantasy baseball players to buy and sell:

BUY

Kelly Johnson - Mentioned him the other day. Where, Grey? My brain hurts! Pickup Kelly Johnson. BTW, you’re lame, random italicized voice in my head.

Asdrubal Cabrera - Batting close to .500 for the last seven games. At this point, I don’t care that he batted .240 on the year or that his first name is a anal leakage diagnosis. This is September! Act like it! (Sorry, for all the exclamation points, but I just bought a new coffee maker and I’ve been going a bit overboard on the caffeine. Speaking of ‘Overboard,’ at least once a year I’ll talk to my Mom and she’ll be watching this Goldie Hawn classic. It never gets old. I think that’s the ultimate mom movie.)

Joey Votto - In the last two weeks, Votto’s been more valuable than Teixeira, Berkman, Atkins, Youuuuuuk, Adrian Gonzalez, Conor Jackson, Casey Kotchman and Prince Fielder. (I don’t endorse dropping Fielder, no matter how good it might feel.) Votto’s the da bomb as they said in high schools back in 2004.

Rajai Davis - It’s with great pause I suggest this schmohawk. But if you need speed, eff it in the cooley and grab Rajai.

Pablo Sandoval - Maybe he won’t slow down until April. Maybe he’ll hit .330 for the next seven years. Who cares? What, you plan on keeping Pudge for next year?

Brandon Wood - For about two weeks now, I’ve been pushing Wood hard. Um… Wait. No, that’s what I meant.

Blake DeWitt - He has 2nd base elgibility. Holy heffin’ hey, are you kidding me?! He’s in Coors this weekend. Why isn’t he on your team? What, you have Polanco? Ugh. I’ll never understand you. Never!

Jesse Litsch - No, I don’t really like the Jays pitcher/slash Rays ex-bat boy, but I do right now. Just be careful against the Sawx next time out.

James Parr - Has yet to give up a run, but that could end in a big way or not. You have to take chances in the final weeks when players like Lackey are being skipped because their club clinched.

Kevin Slowey - I already explained why I think Slowey’s a keeper. Why would you want me to repeat myself?

Bronson Arroyo - I hate this schmohawk as much as the next guy, but he’s pitching well. You have to take some chances in these final weeks.

Taylor Teagarden - 4 HRs in 24 at-bats.

SELL

Gerald Laird - 6 HR in 305 at-bats. See a quarter of an inch above.

John Lackey - Mentioned him above. I know what you’re thinking. His two starts are better than most guy’s three starts. True, but what if they pull him after 5 innings of the 2nd start because they just want him to throw. Or maybe he pitches surrounded by the Angels B offense. Still as appealing?

Victor Martinez - Maybe next year he’ll come back and he’ll be like Resurrection: Tupac, but for right now he looks like Black Sheep’s followup to A Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing.

Rickie Weeks - I gotta say whoever is holding onto him, you show great loyalty. Not the best judgment, but your loyalty is impeccable.

Conor Jackson - Imagine a world where a first baseman gave you a little bit of everything, but that little bit reminds you of a 2nd baseman’s stats. Then you have Conor Jackson attached to play the lead. Would that be something you’d be interested in?

Yesterday, Carlos Zambrano was scheduled for an MRI but failed to show. Possible reasons why: A) He showed up five minutes late and his appointment was given away to Steve Bartman. B) The doctor looked like Michael Barrett. Z was escorted out. C) He decided to check out The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2 instead. Z’s priorities are out of order. If you’re in your H2H playoffs , you need to cut bait and see who else is out there. In some leagues, I’m looking at Randy Wolf (I know, you just threw up a little in your mouth), but his confidence should be sky high after his complete game and he faces the Pirates next. Some other names I like that I’ve seen on various waiver wires include Slowey, Garza, Kuroda, Blackburn, anyone facing the Mariners, Nats or Padres. (BTW, if you’re in H2H playoffs, I think you’ll be able to appreciate one man’s H2H playoff breakdown.) Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jim Johnson - About to have an MRI because his shoulder hurts? No, because Trembley’s an awful manager. Jamie Walker, Fernando Cabrera, Dennis Sarfate and as a dark horse candidate, Radhames Liz. And before the NAACP contacts me, I wasn’t being punny when I wrote dark horse.

Scott McClain - Hit his first HR of his career after 29 HRs in Triple-A. Some day Woody Harrelson will gain 120 lbs. and play him in the movie adaption of his life.

Pablo Sandoval - 2nd HR of the year. Benicio Del Toro will borrow the fat suit Adrian Grenier used in Medellin to play Sandoval.

Dave Bush - 5 IP, 6 ER. You saw Bush just sitting there and you couldn’t keep your hands off. Now you feel used and it burns when you pee. Serves you right.

Lance Cormier/Dennis Sarfate - Outdueled Dice-K but still lost. This is the number one reason why people don’t bet on baseball and why most of the time you’re better off to just go with your top guys. Baseball’s an unpredictable game day-to-day but fairly predictable over 162 games. And I officially sound like some crappy baseball announcer — see Don Sutton.

Dustin Nippert - 7 IP, 0 ER and only seven hits with no walks. Holy heffin’– Oh, it was the Mariners.

Jorge Campillo - 5 IP, 7 Ks. I kinda felt a decent start was coming because the Marlins do enjoy swinging and missing.

Joe Nelson - Got the save yesterday. Guess he’s the number two man behind the recently overworked Matt Lindstrom.

Dustin Pedroia - 17th HR yesterday. David Ortiz, 17 HRs.

Mark Reynolds - 4 Ks as he heads towards 200 Ks. You haven’t heard much about me fingercuffing Reynolds because I dropped him about two months ago in my Razzball league. I just couldn’t stand all of the home runs he was giving me. I still have him in a NL-Only league. In other news, yawn.

Yunel Escobar - Has a sore shoulder, supposedly he’s battled this all year. Yeah, and my excuse is I have a monkey writing these posts.

Troy Percival - Kazaam! More importantly, I wouldn’t pop your Wheelers just yet.

Alex Rodriguez - Hit a meaningless HR yesterday. Wait, Joe Maddon’s throwing his challenge flag! Cut to 2 minutes, 15 seconds later. Yes, it is a meaningless home run!

Dallas McPherson - After hitting 42 home runs in Triple-A, he made his first start yesterday. He walked twice and K’d. McPherson grew up masturbating to Adam Dunn. That’s sincerely a compliment.

Rich Harden - Arm discomfort. He reports it’s “nothing serious.” Yeah, and taco diarrhea doesn’t burn.

Wade LeBlanc - Top Padres pitching prospect made his major league debut and pitched like a Nats prospect, 4 IP, 5 ER. LeBlanc has a HR problem and there’s no way he’ll ever shake the Joey typecasting.

Blake DeWitt - HR yesterday. He’s been starting at 2nd base. If he can get that eligibility, his value goes from one dollar to one Euro.

Chris Dickerson - HR yesterday. Could he get to 10/10 in a month and a half? I wanna have shirts made up that say, “I (heart) Dick…” and on the back, “…erson.” What?

Usually on Friday we do our Buy and Sell feature, but with September 1st knocking on August’s door — August 31st is that you? Uh… No. August 30th? Nope. August 32nd? No, you nitwit! It’s September 1st! – it’s time we looked at September call ups. These are potential September call ups that will, should, could and potentially make or not make a difference in fantasy baseball. So take a drag on that Newport cause Razzball’s Alive With Pleasure with September call ups. Anyway, here’s some potential September call ups to keep your eye on for fantasy baseball:

Max Scherzer and Mat Gamel - Both mentioned in the other day’s fantasy baseball keeper post. Jobacum will get the call; Gamel will more than likely not.

Joe Koshansky - Corner guy for the Rockies. Some pop + Coors = Hall of Fame career? Perhaps. This offseason, Helton (who?) or Atkins or both will be on their way out, which could open some room for Koshansky. NL-Only’ers and keepers should toss a few bucks Koshansky’s way. (BTW, Koshanky, Iannetta and Tulowitzki sounds like an immigration law firm. Or the last surviving immigrants who orginally arrived on Ellis Island.)

Colby Rasmus - LaRussa says Rasmus is not getting the call up. Was he sober when he said this? You make the call!

David Price - A) I don’t think he’s ready to start in the big leagues. B) The Rays staff is filled. C) The Rays are a super-conservative team with prospects. Look for Price in ‘09.

Travis Hafner - Well, there’s a rookie name! If you have room on your DL, you can continue to hold him, but he’s missed three games this week in the minors due to shoulder soreness. Let’s not forget the comatose Indians fan who woke to see the Indians backup catcher with 17HRs and think the team was doing well. You may get Pronk’d!

Shaun Marcum - You’re familiar with his issues. You should avoid until TBD.

Brandon Wood -Here’s someone I really like when he gets called up (it will be a bit late because of playoffs for his minor league team). Scioscia will probably bench his regulars here and there when they clinch so he should be able to wedge Wood into the lineup.

Chris Ray - Soon Tommy John surgery will be an outpatient procedure. Bonkers, I tell ya. Absolutely bonkers.

Jerry Owens - Only seeing playing time late in the year if there’s an injury or the Sox clinch with room to spare. Still SAGNOF.

Adam Jones - Another “not really a call up,” but should be back burning jays by next week.

Jason Pridie - Twins prospect/outfielder who might get called up. Has some speed and power. Decided to drop trou and take a dump on his Triple-A production this year. That’s not an endorsement.

Jay Gibbons - His possible reappearance couldn’t even get Dame Jane Goodall’s nipples hard.

Jordan Schafer - As I mentioned the other day, Wren says the Braves will not call up Schafer. Stay tuned… Or not. Or yacht. Or…huh?

Brad Nelson - Needs to get out of the ginormous shadow of Prince Fielder if he’s going to have any chance for success.

Jeff Larish - Already been called up to replace Carlos Guillen. He has pop, but a liability on average. Should be on AL-Only keeper teams already, and worth the flier if he isn’t. Yo, that shizz is Larish!

Cameron Maybin - If he’s not owned in NL-Only leagues already and keepers, he should be. His floor is Mike Cameron. His ceiling is Derrek, who’s this kid I went to high school with that hit something like .790 with 20 HRs and 40 steals in just under 30 games. It was unreal.

J.R. Towles - Casual Reader of this site, “Hey, I drafted him!” Well, don’t go picking him back up.

Blake DeWitt - Mentioned him the other day, in the Ryan Zimmerman fantasy prediction
post-a-roo-ski.

Jon Niese - Supposedly getting the start for Maine on Sept. 2nd or August 33rd for those that don’t want August to end. If the start goes well, you might see more of Niese (BTW, no relation to Eric Nies).

Phil Hughes - For of youse out there with Bobby Meacham pillow cases and “Kiss Me I Got Jeter’s Autograph” t-shirts don’t do it. Put down that Hughes for this year.

Matt Murton - If he doesn’t get the call then The Federation For Equal Treatment of Gingies may have to step in. (That’s definition #2, btw.)

Steve Pearce - I pimped out my merkin with words of praise for Pearce earlier in the year, but he showed everything that Pittsburgh touches turns to Jack Wilson.

Andrew McCutchen - Can’t someone hire Bobby Bonilla to give an inspiration speech about how the Pirates were once good?

Brandon Morrow - I’ve covered him already. I’ll save you a sidebar search. I’m not buying into him for September.

Nadir Bupkus - The future of the San Diego Padres franchise.

Let’s take a quick stroll down memory lane for what we’ve said about Ryan Zimmerman this season, “Out with a shoulder injury. Recovering from a wrist injury. We recommend that they just amputate the arm, put on a new one, and call him Ryan Zimmerhands,” “Being outslugged by Aaron Boone. Awesome!” “A man with a ’stache drafts Ryan Zimmerman and then drops him just after the draft — Just. To. Prove. A. Point. That’s what a man with a ’stache does.” Yesterday, Zimmerman hit his 1st homer since returning in July. That’s right, he has one home run since the All-Star break. He has nine homers on the year. With a three hole hitter like this, any wonder why the Nats are terrible? Zimmerman should’ve had surgery for this shoulder issue. The Nats should’ve forced it. Now they’re risking ‘09. Really bad decision making on all parties involved. Probably wait to hear about offseason surgery or how he looks in spring training, but as of right now, I’m not a fan for ‘09 either. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jordan Schafer - To update my excitement from yesterday’s post where I mentioned Schafer. Baby’s black balloon deflates. Wren, Braves GM, says Schafer’s not being called up in September.

Johan Santana - Was he outdueled by Kyle Kendrick? C’mon, seriously?

Josh Hamilton - Out with an abscessed tooth. If he needs oral surgery, can he have painkillers? That’s a serious question. I’m curious.

Dan Wheeler - Picked up his fifth save in the last week and a half. Didn’t I say he was going to be the closer? Even when everyone was saying Balfour would get the saves? Whatever. I don’t understand how everyone can still listen to those schmohawks over at Yahoo when they say shizz like, “Carlos Gomez is not in the lineup according to the Twins.” These things are effin’ automated. No one’s behind the wheel of that jalopy of a fantasy site. Honestly, I’m still trying to figure out why people use Yahoo instead of ESPN. There will be more on this subject in the winter and going into the spring. I don’t like the ESPN fantasy ‘perts, but at least their player news makes sense. “Yahoo Fantasy News doesn’t make sense according to Yahoo Fantasy News.”

Juan Rivera - Got into the game at 2nd base. It was a fluky thing and he won’t see any more time there, but, if your league has one game elgibility, this could be huge.

Gio Gonzalez - 3 IP, 4 ER. Just doesn’t seem ready yet outside of matchups. Drizz-opped.

Josh Johnson - CG, 1 ER, 8 K. Been terrific since returning and I’ll be the first one to tell you I didn’t want any part of him this year. It’s fine, I was just erring on the side of caution. At this point, even I would pick him up. Of course, now I’ve just jinxed him.

Matt Harrison - 6 2/3 innings and 1 ER for the victory. He’s starting against the Mariners next week and I’m still not looking at him unless the league is, as the kids say, hella deep.

Pablo Sandoval - HR yesterday as he got the start at third base then was moved to 1st. Unfortunately, I went out and missed this game. Would’ve loved to see someone lay down a bunt and watch Bengie and Sandoval converge. Lincecum, “Nooooooo!!!”

Tim Lincecum - Speaking of “Nooooooo!!!” Member how people were worried Lincecum’s innings were piling up? Yesterday, Bochy Dustied Lincecum for 132 pitches.

Matt Garza - I spotted him in a ten team league and was rewarded. Will not start him next time out against the Yanks, then I’ll start him the next time out against the Jays. As Montell Jordan sang, “This is how we do it…”

Jensen Lewis - Kazaam!

Luis Ayala - Well, it’s about freakin’ time! We officially have a Mets closer. (This will change by this weekend.)

Randy Johnson - 7 IP, 3 ER, 9 Ks. In a ten team league, he’s more than replaced Maine. I don’t think Pedro’s going to be pitching this well, or at all at the age of 44. It’s probably unfair to say that because of their body types are so completely different, but why do I have to be fair? Who said, “Grey, be fair.”  I’m not cutting up cake to share with my sister while she screams, “Mom, Grey’s not being fair!” No, that’s not what’s going on at all. In fact, I don’t have a sister. Geez.

Kelly Shoppach - 17th HR yesterday. Victor Martinez is in the minors. Waking comatose Indians fan, “Huh? Shoppach what?”

Blake DeWitt - Recalled from Vegas and will cut into Casey Blake’s time against right-handers. According to Elias Sports Bureau, this is the first time in the history of baseball that a player by the first name of Blake will be platooning with a player by the last name of Blake. Actually, they never said that, to my knowledge, but they could have. Here’s some more things Elias Sports Bureau could have said yesterday, “For the third time since ‘98, Leandro couldn’t fix the soft drink machine,” “For the fifth time since Monday, Gus has attempted to flirt with Rachel and she’s taken it as him being friendly,” and “For the first time ever, Bob, in Accounting, died.”

Across all of my deeper leagues, invariably Chipper Jones is on one of the top teams. In the shallow leagues, Chipper is buoying teams above fifth place all by myself. Heard the Braves announcers talk about Chipper’s chances at .400. A question that would make more sense is, “What’s Chipper’s chance to get 400 at-bats?” I think he gets there, at-bats that is, not average. He’s a .309 career hitter, but his average has been steadily climbing as he gets older (which is a normal occurrence, batters just get better at knowing what they can and cannot hit). So he could hit .350. But unless you’re struggling with a lot of low average guys, average is, well, average. Chipper’s home runs have been declining. He hit 29 home runs last year, but 12 in April/May, so his early season outburst this season isn’t necessarily a sign of great things.  Of course, everyone’s main concern is his games played. I think you have a better chance of guessing what Joey from The Real World: Hollywood is going to say next than how many games Chipper is going to play. (Sober Joey, “I’m an alcoholic! And I love the albino stripper.” Drunk Joey, “I love everyone, but really love the albino stripper!” Drunker Joey, “I will rip off the albino stripper’s head and toss it into the eight foot aquarium!” Sober Joey, “I wasn’t like this when I came into this house!” Actually, now that I write it out, that’s much more predictable than Chipper Jones’s injury history. But I digress.) So going forward with Chipper, what did we learn from this exercise? The home runs are not going to get into the forties. He will miss some games. He won’t bat .400, but should get to 400 at-bats. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday:

Claudio Vargas - Should be owned in all NL-Only leagues. (And all leagues that require you have a Vargas on your team. But then, Claudio Vargas was probably already on a team.)

Carlos Beltran - The Mets pitching staff and I often sat in the dugout sipping espresso, then afterwards would talk baseball. During batting practice, I discussed open and closed stances with Howard Johnson. We laughed about “high hard ones” and Carlos Beltran punched me in the nose.

Scott Feldman - Looked tremendous today, giving up only one earned run. He was about to be featured in the opening, until I realized he was facing the Mariners. Right now, he’s not that great looking forward. (I mean, he is capable of looking forward, just his stats may not be that good in the future.)

Jeff Clement - He’s one game away from qualifying at catcher in five game leagues. (That means he just caught his fourth game, Einstein.)

Gary Sheffield - He’s moving back to DH. The same DH spot that he said was the reason why he was hitting poorly. I think he’s hurting and just playing around with excuses. He shouldn’t be on any teams at this point.

Nick Johnson - He has a sore wrist. In other news, taco diarrhea burns.

Jim Edmonds - He will force Felix Pie back to Triple-A. Matt Murton better clean off his couch.

Manny Parra - Thank God for the Dodgers’s offense.

Guillermo Mota - Let’s try Torres.

Blake DeWitt - Has the highest average amongst rookies and he just hit his third home run.

Jeff Kent - You know how you can tell when a baseball player is suddenly old, when they look like Luis Gonzalez, but not as agile.

Brett Myers - I mentioned before that Brett Myers and I went to poetry night at The Turtleneck on Philly’s South Side. It was April. Brett had just thrown an eight K performance at the Bank. He said he could have struckout nine. I said it was a good outing, though not a great outing and that’s the way it was for future middle relievers. We laughed over this and Brett Myers punched me in the nose.

Ryan Howard - Barring injury, still looking at 40 home runs as he now sits on 8 after a home run yesterday.

Blaine Boyer - Got the Atlanta save. Just another member of the committee.

Ian Stewart - So far I’ve picked him up and dropped him three times in the last two weeks. (Yes, I am that annoying owner.) My thought process is, I pick him up and hold him for a couple of days. When I need another hitter for a short schedule day, I drop him. If I have him when he is called up, I’m golden. If I don’t have him, then chances are he’s on waivers and at least someone has to use their claim for him. Win-win, in my book. (BTW, that book is titled, “Annoying the Crap Out of Your Opponents When They Don’t Restrict the Amount of Adds and Drops, 7th Edition”)

Scott Downs - Just got his fifth save.

C.C. Sabathia - I think this is closer to the Sabathia you’re going to get this year. I also don’t have him on any teams. Just when you think I’m going right, I go left! Or maybe left-right!

John Lackey - Looked solid in his return with 7 IP, 1.29 ERA, 1.00 WHIP and 4 Ks. Pretty far off in the pick the line game.

James Shields - Very solid game in the loss.

Robinson Cano - 4-for-4. His buy low time quickly evaporates as he’s batting .350 with two home runs in May.

Mike Mussina - I mentioned before that I was in St. Petersburg. It wasn’t the first time I had been to Florida. I was there many years ago with Mike Mussina. Mussina had just finished second in the Cy Young voting and we were competing in a Scrabble tournament. He had just pulled the tiles t-h-k-k-o-y-a and I said there was no way he could make a seven letter word from that. He said this is the first time I’ve had two Ks all year. We laughed over this and Mike Mussina punched me in the face.