Fantasy Baseball Advice

The Mets doctors said Johan Santana would miss a start or two.  That was a year ago.  He’s still working his way back.  The Mets doctors said Jose Reyes would miss a weekend series in 2009, he missed three months.  The Mets doctors said Carlos Beltran would miss a game in 2009; it took him two years to come back.  The other day someone asked me for money for Doctors Without Borders so they could help people in The Congo.  Why isn’t there a lady in front of Whole Foods asking me to donate to find a cure for David Wright?  Because I sure don’t trust the Mets doctors.  Film a PSA with Chipper Jones and Julie Andrews and show that shizz before movies.  “I’m Julie Andrews.”  “And I’m Chipper Jones”  Both, “And David Wright needs our help.”  The Mets are saying Wright has a tear in his left side and Mets fans have a tear in their eyes.  Word on the street is Wright has a similar injury to Ryan Zimmerman’s last year when he missed two months.  The prognosis, if prognosis is the right word, is not good.  Wright is saying he can be ready by Opening Day.  I say great, terrific, other sarcastic word, I don’t want to draft him anywhere.  If Della Reese touches his bat while dressed as an angel and Wright gets 500 ABs this year, how good do you think those 500 ABs are gonna be?  Do you think he’s going to show power?  If 22 homers were the low end for his projections, I’d be surprised if he breaks 17 homers now.  What if when he slides, he feels pain in his side?  He’s not going to be stealing bases.  You see Wright there in the 5th round now, I say pass.  Yes, third base just got shallower.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw in spring training for 2012 fantasy baseball:

Salvador Perez – Tweaked his knee badly and the Royals sent him for an MRI.  I liked Perez late in drafts, so I went looking around for updates on this injury and ended up at the Kansas City Star.  Their article started with this line, “The Royals awaited word Tuesday night on the status of their $7 million catcher.”  It was funny — and by funny I mean not funny at all — to me how that was the attention grabber in KC.  KC is fretting over seven million dollars that is over five years.  Yeah, parity is alive and well.   Well, whatever the case is, it’s bad news for Perez.  He has a meniscus tear and will need surgery.  As of this writing, there was no timetable for his return, but I’m guessing six to eight weeks.  I’d avoid him in all leagues.  Too bad, so sad.

Desmond Jennings – Collided with B.J. Upton and both needed to be carted off the field.  This is the worst B.J. related news since that girl with the braces… Well, you remember.  Jennings says he’s fine and should be back on the field in a day or two.

B.J. Upton – On the other side of that collision, Fellatio Upton took the worse of it.  Yet, he too says he’ll be fine after a couple of days.  He’s just dealing with general soreness.  General Soreness is his bodyguard.

Freddy Garcia – Hit with a comebacker.  He told A-Rod he slept with his ex, and A-Rod said, “Yeah, well, that ex was really a man!”  *checking notes*  Hmm, seems like he was hit with a different kind of comebacker, one off a bat.  The X-rays came back negative, which is actually bad news because it means he can keep pitching.

Tim Hudson – Cleared to throw a bullpen session, but will still be out until at least the first few weeks of the season.  Bring on Randall Delgado!

Bryce Harper – Told reporters that he doesn’t expect to make the club.  Then the next day, Nats GM Rizzo (not Anthony) told reporters Harper could still have a shot.  We have a Razzball exclusive as to what really went down.  Harper to reporters, “I’m not making the club.”  Rizzo to Harper, “We’re trying to sell frickin’ tickets to frickin’ fans to see frickin’ Nats games and you’re telling them you’re not playing?!  Shut your pie hole!”  Rizzo to reporters, “He’s still in the picture. We’re still early in the decision-making process.”  Riiiiiiight.  That’s seven I’s.

John Lannan – Mike Rizzo said he’s fielded several calls on Lannan, but are not shopping him.  He must’ve learned how to neg from The Game.

Chris Perez – Threw from 150 feet yesterday.  Looks like the Indians found a Grady Sizemore replacement.  It’s sounding more and more likely that Perez will be ready to go for Opening Day.

Lance Lynn – With Carpenter almost definitely maybe heading to the DL to start the season, Lynn looks to move his way into the rotation.  Out of the bullpen last year, Lynn’s fastball regularly touched the high-90′s as he put up a 2.22 ERA and 32 Ks in 24 1/3 IP.  As a starter, he was much less exciting (5.23 ERA, 8 Ks), but like a man who needs prunes that was in limited duty (10 1/3 IP).  From his minor league track record, we see a guy who has a 7+ K-rate and moderate control.  In NL-Only and very deep mixed leagues, I’d grab Lynn late to see if he can surprise in an early season role with the Cards.  There’s a chance for some sweet, sweet upside here.

Tyler Greene – Battling right now for the Cardinals’ 2nd base job with Daniel Descalso and Skip Schumaker.  Obviously, unless you’re in a deep NL-Only league, you stopped reading this blurb already.  Nothing gets people excited like the mention of Skip Schumaker!  Greene did well in Triple-A last year (14 homers, 19 steals in 66 games), but that’s probably because he was 27 years old, i.e., he was old to still be in the minors.  In 150 major league games, he’s hit .218 with 5 homers and 16 steals.  Best case scenario, we get a Baha Man year.  Most realistic scenario, there’s a three-way time share at 2nd.

Josh Hamilton – Jammed his heel.  For those that like things delivered in comic book form, Texas hero deals with wounded heel.  Rangers are saying this is the first of five dozen minor injuries Hamilton will endure this year, but he should be fine.

Aroldis Chapman – Pitched well yesterday in his bid to become a starter.  There’s only one catch, the Reds have five starters already.  They would need an injury to someone on their staff.  Popping his head in, Dusty says, “Did someone say we need a pitching injury?”  Okay, but if you’re drafting today, you’re drafting Chapman as a middle reliever.

Anibal Sanchez – Maybe you’ve heard me mention this brother with the name of a mother before.  Yeah, I love him and guess what?  He struck out 4 yesterday through two innings with no problems from his previously sore shoulder.  When I say boo, you say ya.  Boo…Ya…  (By the way, I think the Marlins might be watching a bit too much of The Voice.)

Juan Carlos Oviedo – Will report to camp this week.  No word yet when Leo Nunez is reporting.

Ryan Howard – Yesterday, Jimmy Rollins said he’d be surprised if Howard plays this year.  In related news, the team announced Rollins is out of the running for Director of Phillies Public Relations.

Brett Jackson – As expected, the Cubs announced that Jackson will start the year in the minors.  There’s no way Byrd, Soriano and DeJesus are all still starting in the outfield by July.  Worth noting in keeper and deep NL-Only leagues.  Earlier in the offseason, I went over my Brett Jackson fantasy.  I wrote it while watching Luck with the closed captioning on, so I could read what the hell Nick Nolte was saying.

Garrett Jones – Looks like he will be the starting 1st baseman for the Pirates vs. righties.  As I mentioned in the 1st basemen to target post, in deep, daily leagues, you can get some value there.  Or not.  For instance, “Hey, horse, here’s water.”  Horse, “Neigh.”

Jacob Turner – Going through a dead arm period.  The doctors weren’t sure what the problem was at first, then Haley Joel Osment said he saw Turner’s arm.

The other day we went over the top 20 third basemen for 2012 fantasy baseball for our 2012 fantasy baseball rankings.  Today, we turn our bejeweled eyeglasses to the top 20 outfielders for 2012 fantasy baseball.  The top twenty outfielders will need to go to a top 40 then a top 60 then a top 80.  Unfortunately, outfield is pretty shallow.  Guess outfielders come in waves… much like sperm whales.  Oofa!  For five outfielder leagues, this really blows, which is only a positive if you’re a sperm whale.  Zadow!  As always, these top 20 outfielders are broken up into tiers with my projections.  Anyway, here’s the top 20 outfielders for 2012 fantasy baseball:

1. Ryan Braun – Went over his projections in the top 10 for 2012 fantasy baseball.

2. Jose Bautista – Went over his projections in the top 10 for 2012 fantasy baseball.

3. Matt Kemp – Went over his projections in the top 10 for 2012 fantasy baseball.

4. Justin Upton – Went over his projections in the top 10 for 2012 fantasy baseball.

5. Jacoby Ellsbury – Went over his projections in the top 20 for 2012 fantasy baseball.

6. Carlos Gonzalez – Went over his projections in the top 20 for 2012 fantasy baseball.

7. Andrew McCutchen – Went over his projections in the top 20 for 2012 fantasy baseball.  This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Pence.  I call this tier, “These players.  ‘What Grey wants in every league, Alex?’”  The outfield isn’t quite as deep as it should be considering there’s three of these suckers playing at any given moment on all teams and the Reds have four.

8. Mike Stanton – Went over his projections in the top 20 for 2012 fantasy baseball.

9. Jay Bruce – What we got from Bruce last year may not have been totally Boss, but a guy that can give you a 30+ homer and 8+ steal season is valuable nowadays.  If Bruce manages to pull a rabbit out of his hat, he could improve in all five categories and there will be a magician somewhere wondering why Jay Bruce has his rabbit.  2012 Projections:  90/34/100/.270/10

10. Josh Hamilton – I think the market has finally figured out Hamilton.  No longer is everyone expecting a MVP season every time out.  People have realized he’s Mr. Glass.  When healthy, Hamilton hits homers and a solid average, runs and RBIs.  When he’s not healthy, you plug in someone else.  In 12 team mixed leagues, it’s much easier to do that than in deep AL-Only ones so keep that in mind when drafting.  (In AL-Only leagues or any leagues with less waiver wire options, I’d move Hamilton down to the next tier.)  2012 Projections:  75/27/85/.295/7

12. Nelson Cruz – Take the above and just “find” Hamilton and “replace” with Cruz.  I think the market has finally figured out Cruz.  No longer is everyone–Well, you can do it on your own.  2012 Projections:  70/30/85/.260/10

12. Hunter Pence – He’s a square peg in this round tier.  Everyone else in this tier has crazy upside and some potential pitfalls.  Pence is steady as she goes, Raconteurs.  Last year he hit a few less homers, but I could see him actually hitting a few more homers this year because he won’t be playing under the tyranny of the recently-exiled Ed Wade’s Toupee.  (Was actually surprised Astros fans weren’t more excited about the disposal of the Toupee, but, then again, I don’t think there are Astros fans.)  2012 Projections:  95/25/100/.280/10

13. Curtis Granderson – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Victorino.  I call this tier, “How is this tier different than all other tiers?  This tier I’m going to pass over.”  Went over his projections in the top 20 for 2012 fantasy baseball.

14. Matt Holliday – I’m done with Holliday until next year or the year after when he falls into the tier of outfielders with guys like Vernon Wells.  He’s still too coveted for what he used to do rather than what he’s about to do.  Oh, and please don’t ask in the comments if this means I would never draft Holliday.  I would take Pence, Cruz and Bruce before him and I’ve seen Holliday taken before them, so how am I drafting Holliday?  I’m not taking four outfielders in the course of one pick, i.e., I’m not drafting Holliday before others so I’m not getting him.  Sorry to longtime readers who had to read that, but I feel like I always get these questions around the time of rankings.  2012 Projections:  85/24/90/.305/5

15. Lance Berkman -  Went over Berkman’s projections at the top 20 1st basemen for 2012 fantasy baseball post.

16. Shane Victorino – We had a good run.  Victorino and I.  It’s come to an end.  Howard’s banged up, Utley’s a nail clipping incident away from the 15-day DL and Rollins has more miles on him than your Chrysler LeBaron.  Victorino’s runs and RBIs will be affected.  His speed is affected by his age, and he’s not a big power threat.  If he falls far enough I could see maybe taking him, but it’s time to bid him aloha.  The goodbye version of aloha, that is.  2012 Projections:  85/15/55/.275/20

17. Michael Morse – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here into the top 40 outfielders for 2012 fantasy baseball.  I call this tier, “I’ll happily reach for one of these guys if I have to, in the non-sexual way.  Though it’s kinda sad this is the third tier of outfielders that I’m excited about.  Times is tough, yo.”  Went over Morse’s projections at the top 20 1st basemen for 2012 fantasy baseball post.

18. Desmond Jennings – I already went over my Desmond Jennings 2012 fantasy.  While I wrote it, a leprechaun with a broken GPS looking for a rainbow appeared out my window.  2012 Projections:  80/16/65/.275/35

19. B.J. Upton – Honestly, I might be the only fantasy baseball ‘pert who doesn’t mind Fellatio Upton.  Sure, he hits for a wonky average, but so does your mom.  (Actually, I don’t know how well your mom hits for average.  Though she looks like she can’t leg out many infield hits on those cankles.)  Upton hits for power and steals bases.  I’m willing to go out on a limb that he can luck into a .260 average one of these years with his wheels and still go 20/40.  At 27 years of age, this is the year I’m betting on.  2012 Projections:  80/20/85/.250/40

20. Adam Jones – He has a few strikes against him.  But games haven’t started yet?!  Strikes against him was a figure of speech, Random Italicized Voice.  Jones’s ground ball rate isn’t great, which makes me think we’ll need to be lucky to get over 25 homers and his walk rate is near abysmal.  A guy that can give 25/12/.285 is valuable though in today’s bear market, which only sounds like a grocery store in The Castro.  2012 Projections:  80/25/90/.285/12

Went over the catchers, 1st basemen, 2nd basemen and shortstops and top 20 3rd basemen for 2011. Guess what’s next!  No, not pitchers. Read the title, man.  In 2010, there were only 5 outfielders that hit 30 homers, this year there were 9.  It isn’t exactly like a bleached Sammy Sosa is sticking players with needles, but at least the rich got a little richer — yay, capitalism!  Steals were still in abundance, and that doesn’t seem like it’s going anywhere any time soon.  There were 14 outfielders who stole 30 bases with Michael Bourn still eating the baby out of the king cake.  Since outfield is a deep position, I’m going to turn this one to 40.  Anyway, here’s the top 20 outfielders for 2011 fantasy baseball and how they compare to where I originally ranked them:

1. Matt Kemp – In the preseason, I ranked him 12th overall for all players.  Find another ‘pert who ranked him that high last year.  You’re wasting your time, you won’t find them.  I ranked him as the 2nd outfielder overall.  Just off Ryan Braun.  He was drafted on average 26th overall and some ‘perts had him in the 40′s.  He wasn’t an obvious pick.  2010 was not a good year, but he dropped his ball and anchor — or is it whips and chains? — and asked you to say his name.  In the preseason, I said, “A total off year in 2010.  That’s clear.  He still hit 28 home runs and stole 19 bases.  Sure, he hit .249, but he’s a career .285 hitter and his BABIP shows he was horribly unlucky last year.  Yes, his Ks went up, but what happens when someone is unlucky?  They press and start swinging at more pitches outside the strike zone.  At 26 years old for the majority of 2011, now is not the time to give up on Kemp.”  You can’t make that shizz up.  Okay, you can, but it would be pretty easy to double-check it.  Preseason Rank #2, 2011 Projections:  100/30/105/.285/22, Final Numbers: 115/39/126/.324/40

2. Jacoby Ellsbury – And as right as I was on Kemp, I didn’t see any of this Ellsbury season coming.  About a month into the season I even compared Ellsbury to Gardner.  While Gardner didn’t have a bad season, Ellsbury came out of nowhere with power that made him way more valuable.  But the whole “came out of nowhere” thing makes me think we’re looking at a career year for Ellsbury.  Preseason Rank #21, 2011 Projections:  90/7/70/.290/45, Final Numbers: 119/32/105/.321/39

3. Ryan Braun – In honor of The Hebrew Hammer, I wrote this about three weeks ago on Yom Kippur so I’ll make this fast.  Zing!  BTW, what’s the only thing you’re allowed to eat during Yom Kippur?  Atone-mints.  Zadow!  The fact that Braun wasn’t the number one outfielder with the year he had is more an (old) testament to the guys above him.  Preseason Rank #1, 2011 Projections:  105/32/120/.295/15, Final Numbers:  109/33/111/.332/33

4. Curtis Granderson – It sure was fun while it was going on, but now that Grandy’s 2011 is over it’s time to get real, I mean, was he for real?  God, no.  Will depend on where he gets drafted next year, but off the top of my head I’ll say he will be overrated next year.  Preseason Rank #27, 2011 Projections:  70/25/80/.260/15, Final Numbers:  136/41/119/.262/25

5. Jose Bautista – Went over him in the top 20 3rd basemen post.

6. Justin Upton – There’s guys that will repeat 2011 for a few years if they can avoid injury like Braun and there’s guys like Grandy and Melky.  Upton’s not a Melky or Grandy.  He’s a Braun.  Though Upton’s a lot more the Upton we saw this year than Braun was the Braun that we saw this year.  And that sentence wasn’t half as confusing in my head.  Preseason Rank #7, 2011 Projections:  85/26/95/.270/20, Final Numbers:  105/31/88/.289/21

7. Michael Bourn – There’s a few Razzball concepts that just work perfectly, if I can be so immodest.  SAGNOF is one.  It becomes apparent when you see ESPN rank someone like Bourn 7th overall.  Imagine on April 15th you were to trade Bourn straight up for Justin Upton then grab someone off waivers like Coco Crisp.  Your league would’ve had a conniption.  People would’ve immediately started sending notarized letters to your commissioner, using synonyms for unfair that they found in the thesaurus.  Preseason Rank #40 1/2, 2011 Projections:  80/3/40/.265/45, Final Numbers: 94/2/50/.294/61

8. Melky Cabrera – First player to come out of nowhere, but I don’t think he was the 8th ranked outfielder.  (I know it seems like I recap the players according to the ESPN Player Rater then disagree with it every step of the way, but c’est la vie, as Francouer would say.)  Melky’s stats made him a great third outfielder, solid across the board production.  As for where this season from Melky came from, he’s being seriously aided by plate appearances.  706 PA’s last year for 18 homers and 20 steals?  If his PA’s fall into the 550 range as they had most years prior to 2011, his stats are gonna look like Mike Aviles.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  102/18/87/.305/20

9. Alex Gordon – I recapped Alex Gordon’s season already.  I wrote that while stuffing a duck’s gullet for some foie gras.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  101/23/87/.303/17

10. Carlos Gonzalez – I knew CarGo wasn’t repeating his 2010, gave you preseason projections that were almost perfect and told you he was overrated.  Yet, I feel like he didn’t disappoint as much as he could have.  How dare you overperform your underperformance!  Preseason Rank #5, 2011 Projections:  90/24/95/.285/20, Final Numbers:  92/26/92/.295/20

11. Hunter Pence – Here’s a guy that is cast in the Braun/Upton mold.  You can set your watch to a decent year from Pence.  Give or take some power, some speed, some average… Well, his stats are always there…thereabouts.  Preseason Rank #10, 2011 Projections:  90/25/90/.290/15, Final Numbers:  84/22/97/.314/8

12. Lance Berkman – Went over him in the top 20 1st basemen post.

13. Jeff Francoeur – Imagine if the peasant Royals would’ve actually had some pitching in 2011.  They would’ve easily made the postseason only to be bounced by the Rangers.  The Royals had more runs scored than the Phillies, Brewers and Rays.  As for fantasy, guys that surprise by overproducing are terrific.  But — and unless you’re an alien, there’s always a but — how many fantasy owners actually got these seasons in their entirety?  In deep leagues?  Sure.  You draft a guy like Frenchy and pray, then thank your deity of choice when he pans out.  But in shallow leagues, you look at a guy like Frenchy and maybe pick him up after he does some hitting, then maybe drop him when he stops for a few weeks then maybe you grab him again, but you don’t have these players for the whole season.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  77/20/87/.285/22

14. Michael Morse – Went over him in the top 20 1st basemen post.

15. Josh Hamilton – Ellsbury threw me for a loop, Grandy exceeded my expectations by a shizzton and Melky did what no one thought he could with a bunch of plate appearances, but Hamilton once again did exactly what I thought he would.  Good while healthy with “while healthy” having its own solar system.  Preseason Rank #6, 2011 Projections:  85/27/100/.305/7, Final Numbers: 80/25/94/.298/8

16. B.J. Upton – People seem to hate B.J.  I think it’s the low average bias that permeates fantasy.  It’s odd that there’s such a bias when average is the hardest thing to predict.  Hate on low power or low speed, but low average?  It’s a horn bet.  Preseason Rank #19, 2011 Projections:  95/17/75/.250/40, Final Numbers: 82/23/81/.243/36

17. Ben Zobrist – Went over him in the top 20 2nd basemen post.

18. Andrew McCutchen – Last year we found out that The Dread Pirate wasn’t quite ready to take the next step like I thought he would.  He didn’t come up that short, but short enough as they say at dwarf bowling.  I really try to focus on making these blurbs about what the players did last year rather than looking ahead, but that’s easier said than done.  The Dread Pirate is gonna be my 2012 Matt Kemp.  There’s no one more exciting to me for next year that had a slightly down year.  Preseason Rank #2, 2011 Projections:  100/18/60/.290/38, Final Numbers: 87/23/89/.259/23

19. Coco Crisp – At 31 years old, he had his best season.  Coco Crisp must’ve been eating his Lucky Charms.  All of these steals came from a Billy Beane-GM’d team.  I guess there’s market efficiencies with steals now.  You’re probably not asking yourself what I thought of Moneyball, but I’ll tell you anyway.  SPOILER ALERT (but the movie has been out for over a month, you really have that much to do?)  I was kinda disappointed.  To go all EW on you, I’d give it a B, but I was hoping for an A.  Damn you, expectations.  I know Michael Lewis glossed over the fact Zito, Mulder, Hudson and the steroid-fueled Chavez and Tejada were actually a big part of the A’s success so I figured the movie would do the same.  It did.  They want a fairy tale about how some unknowns carried the team to glory.  Yay, Scott Hatteberg is undervalued and he uses a bat carved from a tree that lightning struck!  Not really, but whatever.  I was more disappointed because I was bored during stretches and I didn’t like Jonah Hill at all.  Hey, let’s get the Jew to find value where others are missing it!  Finally, I wanted some unintentional comedy with Royce Clayton playing Tejada.  “Hey, Miggy, do you have diabetes?”  Cut to:  Tejada holding a syringe.  Tejada, “Yes.  Blood sugar low.”  Though that song the daughter sings is hella (do the kids still say this?) catchy.  Should’ve changed the lyrics though:  I’m just a GM stuck in Oakland… I’m kind of sick of being so broke and having my team get to the playoffs only to choke.  Slow it down, make it stop… Miguel Tejada’s arms look like their gonna pop… BTW, if you wanna read movie reviews, my friend has a movie review blog.  Preseason Rank #62, 2011 Projections:  50/6/35/.260/22, Final Numbers:  69/8/54/.264/49

20. Emilio Bonifacio – Went over him in the top 20 3rd basemen post.

What a ridonkulous season from Melky Cabrera.  Most of youse didn’t even draft him and here he is in September going 4-for-5 with his 18th homer, raising his average to .303 to go along with 18 steals.  As they used to say in 14th century China, “Damn, Ming.”  The spilled coffee on the saucer that then drips onto your dress shirt is I don’t trust this guy at all for next year.  18/18/.300 becomes 12/15/.275 very fast.  Ask anyone that’s drafted The Big FraGu in the past.  And 12/15/.275 is pretty much unusable in most mixed leagues.  It’s the first guy off the team when there’s a hot pickup.  So enjoy your Melk for now, but don’t throw away the non-dairy creamer.  Hmm… That sounded better in my head.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Randy Wells -  4 1/3 IP, 5 ER.  If you’re new to the site, you probably have no idea when I say donkeycorn, cyclops with a monocle, Cust kayin’, Sparky Anklebiter or a whole array of other gibberish.  But, more importantly for this, you don’t know about my previous love affair with Randy Wells.  During my Blue Period, I drank nothing but blueberry milkshakes and talked of nothing but Randy Wells’s eventual turn around.  The same mood can also be found in some of my early Jeremy Guthrie posts.  Then Randy Wells started pitching well recently.  I grew excited.  Not in that way.  Then I thought about picking him up.  Luckily, I didn’t.  He’s the devil.

Logan Morrison – First game back in the lineup and he went yard for his 20th.  He filed a grievance against the Miami Marlins yesterday.  Or is it still Florida?  How can they change their name?  There’s so much history!  This grievance is because Morrison said he was disciplined without “just cause.”  Love to hear the Marlins say, “No, you were disciplined “just cause” we can.”

Hanley Ramirez – Dr. Freeze performed shoulder surgery on Hanley and he should be good to go for the 2012 season.  Will be interesting to see where he’s drafted.  Out of the gate, I’m guessing he’ll go around the 4th round and then will bump up when good news comes out of Spring Training or bump down if a setback happens.  These are the kind of things that interest me.  I can’t imagine why these things don’t interest the girls I’m talking to at a bar.

Mike Stanton – 0-for-3 as he returned from the DL.  I’m holding my hands in the shape of a heart over my actual heart.

Jhoulys Chacin – 5 2/3 IP, 4ER, 13 baserunners, 1 K.  For what it’s Wuertz, I’m gonna like Chacin again next year.

B.J. Upton – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 21st homer.  I like Upton a lot.  I don’t think it’s subconsciously because of his first name.  Why don’t others like him?  Do I sound needy?

Brandon Phillips – 2-for-5, 1 RBI and his 16th homer and fourth in the last four games.  BP is doing work, son.  On a related note, the people who bought tickets for this Cubs and Reds game back in March must’ve been bummed this game meant nothing, but then they ended up seeing a good game.  September Grey is so empathic.

Chris Heisey – 2-for-5, his 17th homer and 2nd in as many games.  Too much talent on this team at the dish, I like everyone except Paul Janish.  I just freestyled that.

Alexi Ogando – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Number one reason I don’t bet on sports.  Would’ve never guessed Ogando had this bounce back start in him.

Homer Bailey – 6 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 9 Ks and 2 homers allowed.  It’s a lot of pressure dealing with an aptronym.

Mark Buehrle – 6 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 17 baserunners(!!!), 1 K.  That was karmic retribution for the no-hitter and perfect game.

Pablo Sandoval – 4-for-4 and his 20th homer as he yelled at each pitch to get in his belly.

Kyle Weiland – 3 IP, 4 ER.  When a big game is on the line the one guy the Red Sox want on the mound is Jon Lester or maybe Josh Beckett, so they threw Weiland yesterday and he should go back to singing “Plush.”

Adrian Gonzalez – 0-for-3 with his 111th RBI.  Make a wish.  Like, maybe, don’t lose the Wild Card.

Shin-Soo Choo – Was activated then reaggravated his oblique and is done for the year.  Hey, Shin-Soo, FU.

Kyle Kendrick – 5 IP, 1 ER, 2 baserunners, 6 Ks.  I’m beginning to think I could have an under-3.50 ERA if I pitched for the Phils.

Cliff Lee – 9 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 12 Ks.  Whatever, Kendrick was able to get the win.  That’s what Cy Young voters look at.

Ian Desmond – 5-for-6, 3 RBIs and one run.  Without looking it up, I’m guessing this was the biggest game of his career.  Where else do you get such insight?  I ask you, where else?!

Wilson Ramos – 3-for-5, 3 runs.  He could have a breakout season next year too.  It’s all about catcher depth this week at Razzball.  Aren’t you glad the week’s over?

Tom Milone – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  First start of three where he’s looked competent.  He should compete for a rotation spot next year, but outside of very deep keepers, he’s not worth your time yet.

Jayson Werth – 0-for-5 as he talked his way into the lineup yesterday.  Here’s what Davey Johnson said, “(Werth) is getting treatment on it every day.  He had some strange looking blue tape on it (Wednesday) night.  I texted him early this morning and asked if he needed a blow….  He texted me back and said, ‘I’m fine. I felt stiff yesterday, but I feel good.’”  What on earth is going on in the Nats’ clubhouse?  Is this why Davey Johnson is so popular with his players?

Scott Rolen is out for the season.  It’s time to go gorilla!  I don’t even know what that means.  Random Italicized Voice, no one knows what it means, but it’s provocative!  If you got some risk to burn in deeper leagues at corner infidel, get in on Juan Francisco.  I talked a bit yesterday about how I’m gonna go caca-cuckoo on Francisco next year if he has a starting job.  I’m gonna be like a cyclops wearing a monocle.  Why a cyclops wearing a monocle?  Good question.  A cyclops only has one eye so it’s particularly sharp.  Like how a blind person’s hearing is enhanced.  So you put a monocle on a cyclops and you have creature that sees everything.  That’ll be me.  BTW, Yonder and Francisco have complementary hat tilts.  Just something I thought you should know.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Logan Morrison – Could return on Thursday after being diagnosed with patella tendinitis.  Oh, wait, is Patella the doctor’s name?

Alexi Ogando – Rangers are considering moving Ogando to the bullpen.  Earth to the Rangers, come in Rangers.  Considering?  He should’ve been moved two months ago.  Check yo’ self, before you wreck yo’ self… Too many innings is bad for his health.

Nelson Cruz – Activated from the DL, but will be used as a pinch-hitter initially.  Belch.

David Murphy – Hit two homers as I benched him on my fantasy teams for Cruz because I thought that’s what Washington would do.  Belch, fart.

Jim Johnson – He’s now converted back-to-back-to-back saves with the Teflon Closer, Gregg, on the sidelines.  Meanwhile, Gregg blew his only save opp in the last week.  If you need saves, Johnson’s the way to go.  As for a strange but true fact, Jim Johnson is from Johnson City, NY.  Kevin Gregg isn’t from Crap City, NY.

Matt Wieters – 1-for-3 with his 2nd homer in as many games.  Now has 19 homers and 61 RBIs while batting .260.  If he takes a step forward next year, he could be a top three catcher.

Jeff Karstens – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER.  Karstens obviously needs Jack Hannahan and his monkeys.

Derrek Lee – 2-for-4 with a homer.  I haven’t seen any consistent streaks from this schmohawk this year.  Hits a homer or two then goes into a two week “I’m old.  My back’s sore.  Somebody call a wambulance” free fall.

Zack Greinke – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks.  I think the Brewers win it all.  As I said back in March.

Justin Morneau – Still feeling concussion symptoms and doesn’t think he’ll return this year.  That’s his concussion concession speech.

Mike Minor – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners (4 BBs), 5 Ks.  Ugh, so inefficient.  Pretty disappointing stuff from Minor this year.  I know, I know.  A 4.11 ERA and a K per inning isn’t terrible.  But I’m like Veruca Salt up in here and I want more!

Chipper Jones – 2-for-5 as he continues to swing a hot bat.  That’s what she said!  He’s hitting .375 over the last week with 2 homers.

Brian McCann – Hit his 24th homer as he hit out of the six hole yesterday.  He’s hitting under .200 in September, so I get it, but, wow, Fredi is reactionary.  Next thing you know Jose Constanza is gonna be catching.

Brandon Phillips – 1-for-2 with a homer.  I mentioned Phillips yesterday after he homered twice regarding his disappointing season, but, I guess, if you have to get hot at any time during the season, now’s a good time.  About time BP starting giving back.

Dillon Gee – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks.  I tried to steer people away from Gee for this start.  Looked favorable, but he was alternating good starts with bad and he was due for a bad one.  And that theory goes out the window with my socks.  I don’t wash them; I just throw them outside for the homeless.  I give back.  Did I ever mention I once answered phones for the Chabad Telethon?  True story.  And I’m not even officially Jewish.  Eat it, Itzhak Perlman!

Troy Tulowitzki – Left yesterday’s game with more hip issues.  He’s too hip to be sore!  I imagine he’s gonna sit out at least a few more days.

Bruce Chen – 8 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks.  They call him Bruce (because that’s his name)!  Sure, it was against the Twins, but still he was coming off two straight games giving up 5 earned, so it took some cojones to start him here.

Mike Moustakas – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer as he bats .231.  Hosmer is blowing him out of the water for fantasy value this year, but I have this gut feeling that it’s gonna be reversed next year.  I don’t have anything to back that up.  It’s my gut.  It might be the chicken shawarma I had for dinner.

Brandon Morrow – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER.  Don’t worry, there’s always next year when I get unreasonably happy for Morrow and his 5+ ERA.

J.P. Arencibia – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs with his 23rd homer.  Someone asked yesterday where Arencibia was gonna be drafted next year.  Good question.  I think people will see the under .230 average and get scared off.  Not I, friend.  He’ll definitely be more than a blip on my radars.

Carlos Santana – Hit his 22nd homer yesterday.  You know what?  There’s actually gonna be decent depth next year for catchers.  The catcher position slept at a Holiday Inn last night.

Dustin Pedroia – 4-for-5, 2 homers, 4 runs, 5 RBIs.  Sparky Anklebiters are so cute when they get all rambunctious and yappy.

David Ortiz – Left the game with back spasms.  In elementary school, they used to say to me, “Back, spazz.”  That’s probably unrelated.

Cole Hamels – 5 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. the Astros.  This coming a day after the Astros beat up on Oswalt.  The Braves should’ve made a deadline deal for J.D. Martinez, Clint Barmes and J.B. Shuck.

Jason Bourgeois – 2-for-5 with a steal.  He’s not playing every day, but when he does play, he’s hitting and stealing (.467 with 3 steals in the last week).

Gavin Floyd – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER.  I’m pretty sure Danks and Floyd pitch simply to upset fantasy owners.

David Price – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. the Suckie-O’s.  I expected more from Price in this start.  Am I asking too much?  Maybe I’m just like my mother, she’s never satisfied.  Wait, that’s not Price, that’s Prince.

B.J. Upton – 1-for-3 with 2 steals.  *big voice*  He’s one steal away from a 20/30 year!  *small voice*  He’s batting .235.

Pablo Sandoval – Bochy said Pablo has regained the weight he lost last winter.  He’s now back to being Pablo Sandsphere.