Fantasy Baseball Advice

George Sherrill gave you a whole lot more than you should’ve expected. In fact, he gave you more than you should’ve expected by May. The rest? Icing. But that kind of rational and perspective-laden thinking can get you in trouble. Assuming you had him and need saves, you’ll need someone.  Grab Jim Johnson. (Yes, he does sound like a guy that would hold 30 people hostage and organize a mass suicide.) If you’re set on saves, you still pick up the closer to spite your league! Anyway, here’s what else we saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Billy Wagner - Out indefinitely.  Ayala, Feliciano, Heilman, Sanchez then Smith, that’s not the order I see them getting saves. That’s alphabetical order. As far as Manuel’s concerned, that might be the order they get saves. What’s the difference between Jesus and the Mets’ current bullpen? At least some people have faith that Jesus saves.

Rich Harden - Forever injured in Oakland, Harden has been amazing for the Cubs (and fantasy owners).  Another 10K game.  I wonder if Cubs fans accidentally call him Mark Prior during their masturbatory fantasies.  Billy Beane should sign Mark Prior and hope it is a lucky break in the DL/time continuum.

Ian Kinsler - Might come back from a slight hernia to play the last week or two of the season. Texas ain’t making the playoffs. Don’t strain yourself, Ian!

Kevin Youkilis - HR yesterday. Youuuuuuuk’s been on fire. .414/6/16 in August.

Josh Beckett - Will have his start pushed as he reported tingling in his arm after sleeping on it wrong.  The way the Blue Jays hit him last outing, that’s probably not the only part of his body that’s tingling right now.

Braden Looper - 7 IP, 1 ER. I told you two weeks ago Looper would be lights out in August. So far, he has a 1.93 ERA. Are you waiting until September to pick him up when he’s not good anymore?

Kevin Slowey - Snow White’s K-challenged dwarf somehow struck out 12 A’s in a rout.  As Billy Beane considers whether to trade some of his young prospects for some promising zygotes.

Brandon Lyon - Came into a 4 run game and gave up 3 earned in a third of an inning. Kazaam!

Ricky Nolasco - Two hit shutout with 11 Ks. Against the Giants, but still. This dooode’s been money. N to the Izz-O, L to the Izz-A.  Fo shizzle, my Nolasco.

Clayton Richard - 6 shutout innings against the Mariners.  The only pitchers I wouldn’t spot start against the Mariners pitch for the Mariners.

Aaron Harang - Start pushed back with neck spasms. “He couldn’t turn his head,” said Reds pitching coach Dick Pole. Funny that’s the coach’s name, cause this year Harang’s been a Cock Punch.

Adam Lind - HR yesterday. 4 homers in the last 6 games. Fans up Toronto probably missed it as they were off celebrating Carol Huynh’s Freestyle Wrestling Gold Medal. Okay, but let’s see her take on the Farmer’s Daughter from GLOW.

Yesterday, Luis Ayala was acquired by Mets. You know that thing about the girl you don’t know is better than the one you’re with? The grass is greener thing. Yeah, the Mets just got themselves a new girl. Why? Wagner’s old and he just had a setback (of course) so he’s not coming back as soon as thought. I’d peg mid-September as a fair timetable his for return. For now, it’s still anyone’s game for saves. Heilman, Kunz, Feliciano, Orosco, Mr. Met, Ralph Kiner, et al. They might all be better options than Ayala, but they’re not the new girl. The only reason why we’re concerned with this is because the Mets will win a lot of games. If someone can separate themselves from the pack, they could get a decent amount of saves while Wagner’s on the mend. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Hideki Matsui - Set to return on Tuesday. I’d prefer a hot hand, then a vet who’s just returning from injury. Especially a vet that has averaged a HR every 25 at-bats for his career. Not sure what the excitement is, but I guess it’s a Yankee thing. How’s Jeter treating you, Yankee fans?

Clayton Kershaw - 6 IP, 6 Ks, 1 ER. Should’ve had a win, but Braun took Chan Ho out of the Park.

Chris Dickerson - Hit a homer the other day. Went 3-for-5 yesterday. I think I’ve officially beat Dickerson into the ground.

Chris Davis - About to get third base eligibility if Hank Blalock can return and stay healthy at first. Yes, it’s an if the size of the Grand Canyon.

Andre Ethier - 2 HRs yesterday. He’s been starting over Juan Pierre on most days and has 4 HRs in his last four starts.  Torre sits him against lefties, which makes your job easy for when to start him.

Carlos Pena - HR yesterday. Four HRs last week. When I ranked him 46th in the top 100 for fantasy baseball’s 2nd half, here’s what I said, “For those looking for someone who can hit 20 HRs in the 2nd half. Here’s one.” And that’s me cutting and pasting me!

Javier Vazquez - 8 IP, 1 ER, 8 Ks. June, 7.48 ERA; July, 5.65; August, you dropped him. Hey, Vazquez, how about you buy me dinner first?

Melvin Mora - 5-for-6 with 2 HRs. As I mentioned, in this week’s Buy/Sell, Mora’s feces has been smelling like Reese’s Pieces.

Edinson Volquez - 7 IP, 0 ER. This doesn’t mean he’ll go on another run like in the beginning of the year, he’s just trying to find his way to a 3.50 ERA. He’s currently at 2.73.

Rickie Weeks - Left with a thumb injury. Nomar, “I feel ya, man!” If Weeks is hitting the DL is the point, you play the Pass Line.

Alexis Rios - 5-for-6, there will be a point during this offseason when I’ll write a post making a case for Rios being a sleeper for next year. Just comment, “No.”

Roy Oswalt - Threw a one hitter over 8 IP. Looks like he put his hip injury behind him (or beside him).

Ty Wiggington - Accounted for all three of the Astros’s runs yesterday and this week he went 9/3/9/.560. There was a bit of a Wiggington Fan Club forming yesterday in the comments. I’m assuming future meetings of the WFC will be taking place in the octagon.

B.J. Upton - HR yesterday. May all your pitchers pitch at Petco and all your hitters hit at Arlington. Amen.

Jensen Lewis - Got the save yesterday as Perez entered the game in the seventh. Lewis is being viewed as the closer, whether he’s the best guy for the job is irrelevant. If you’re holding Perez for saves, you’re only going to get the very rare situational ones.

Adam Lind - HR, 3-for-6. Averaging a HR in just over five games since his recall and hitting .330.

Todd Jones - Went back to the DL, but it looks like Rodney is the closer now anyway. (Rodney is now sure to give up five runs just because I wrote he’s the closer.)

Brandon Moss - Left the game with an ankle injury. Now he may gather some moss.

Dan Wheeler - Got the save on Sunday when Balfour couldn’t get the job done. (Balfour did intentionally walk Hamilton with the bases loaded. This is the only time this has happened to anyone, except Barry Bonds in the last 60 years, according to the Elias Sports Bureau. Actually, they didn’t say it, but they could’ve. Here’s some other things Elias Sports Bureau could’ve said this week around the office, “Tuesday was the first time Jim in Accounting didn’t call his wife three times before noon,” “Thursday marked the seventeenth time since March that Sally, Burt’s secretary, dropped a call” and “Fridays will no longer be Casual Fridays for Peter because he can’t tell the difference between pants and sweatpants.”

Hello, friends and countrymen. Welcome to the number one place for your daily fantasy baseball roundup. Without further ado, as if that’s not ado enough, let’s get right to it. I figured it was about time to dedicate a lead to Jeremy Guthrie. Not exciting for you? How about this, all he does is throw quality starts. Seriously. That’s it. What else? Nothing. Quality starts. Get it yet? Quality. Starts. Quality Inn? No! Starts, of the quality variety. He’s tied for 2nd for the most quality starts in the majors. Those tied for first: Lincecum, Johan, Webb and Haren. I told you to pickup Guthrie on May 4th when Gallardo went down. Since then, 125 innings with a 2.92 ERA. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

John Maine - 5 IP, 6 Ks to beat the Nats. (BTW, can we start calling the Nats home, The Peach Pit? Thank you.)

Mike Lowell - To the DL. Oblique strain, but I think they’ve narrowed it down to somewhere in his stomach.

Joel Zumaya - To the DL with a sore right shoulder. Someone must have challenged him to a marathon session of Mario Kart and now this happens. Fernando Rodney should get the first look for saves now (as I write this, Farnsworth is probably saving a game. I keed.). Then guess who returns on Friday, Todd “Your Mother Throws Harder Than Me” Jones. You’re not jonesing for any of that, I tell ya!

Tom Gordon - Out for the season. Back date this to some time in April. Sorry, TG, but you’ve done nothing for a while. Cleats meet hook on the back of closet door. Closet door hook meet cleats.

Chipper Jones - Out of Wednesday lineup with a tummy ache. That whole “I’m playing every game this year” thing he said in April lasted a lot longer than either of us thought it would. The “us” being you and I. Hey you!

Braden Looper - I told you he’d be good this month. Dare I say, Looper’s been super.

Billy Wagner - Due back on Monday. The Mets pitching staff lets out a collective breath. Then Johan, “Wait, Wagner was crappy too.” The Mets pitchers sullenly nod their heads then Pedro Feliciano, “Johan, be happy. Like me.”

Delmon Young - HR yesterday for the second straight game. Somebody’s hot. Who? Delmon, ya’ll.

Jeff Samardzija - Word out of Wrigleyville is the Shark’s starting on Sunday.

Mike Gonzalez - Kazaam! Oh, wait, you kinda have to get the occassional saves to be considered a closer and to get Kazaam’d.

John Grabow - Got his third save. As I said the day before Marte was traded (Ms. Cleo, bitches!), Grabow would get the bulk of the saves. Yates-Schmates.

Tim Lincecum - Said he’ll make his next start. Guess we gotta believe him, though my first inclination is not to.

Chris Perez - Got the save. I try to watch all teams, but sometimes I miss certain players while I flip around Direct TV. Anyway, I saw Perez last night for the first time. Wild at times, but he’s a major league closer.

Ryan Braun - The Hebrew Hammer (BTW, can you imagine Prince Fielder calling Ryan Braun that? About as likely as Bill Gates calling Warren Buffett, “T-Bone.”) says he’s feeling better and should be back by the weekend.

Vernon Wells - Grand slam yesterday. Could have a solid final month and a half, but keep in mind his last huge month was two years ago.

Jorge Campillo - FYI, just so you know, for what it’s worth, I’m bailing. It was good while it lasted, but you gotta know when to hold them and know when to…

CC Sabathia - 114 pitches in 7 innings. All that work Dusty Baker did mentoring Yost and he pulls him after seven?! What happened with changing his name to CG?!

Russell Martin - As his slump drags on, he’s dropped to the 8 hole.  Torre batted Posada 6th through thick and thin. Guess we know which restaurant Torre eats at in the food court — Sbarro!

It was just yesterday I wrote up my closer look for August and wouldn’t you know it, Wagner’s gone already. Sent to the DL. Official word puts Wagner with a forearm strain. Not a good sign at all. If the fluid in my knee is half full, I say at least he isn’t going to see Dr. Freeze. Yet. This was overheard at The Lemon Ice King of Corona (which is a stone’s throw from Shea and it’s delicious). “Heard Wagner’s down.” “Fawk ‘em, Jimmy. Fawk that fawkin’ fawk face fawker.” Supposedly Heilman’s next in line. It will be between him, “Not So Dirty” Sanchez, “Why Are You Happy” Feliciano, “Uter Tolberone’s Neighbor’s Name Is” Schoeneweis and their recently called up minor league closer, Eddie Kunz, whose nickname may end up “Just Don’t Suck As Much As The Next Guy.” If Wagner’s back by September, I’d be surprised. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Joba Chamberlain - Okay, like the Real World kids at the Improv Olympics, I’m going to, like, free associate. Harrison Ford was put on ice by Jabba the Hut. Then he went on to play Dr. Jones. Now Joba’s off to see Dr. Freeze. Scuba! And… scene!

Adam Jones - Fractured foot. Like Wyclef almost sang, he’ll be gone ’til September. Jones was hitting pretty well too, so this is a tough… wait for it… Here it comes… Eh, now it’s too built up. It’s not that good anyway. Forget it… Aw, I’m just playing. Tough… break! Oofa!

Jody Gerut - I know this is gonna make me sound like a stunod, but I just picked up Gerut in an NL-Only league. In his last seven, 2 HRs and over .300. And, no, you don’t want him in a ten team league. Only for deep-sea fishing.

Jose Vidro - Put out to pasture. If the Expos were still around, I’d put five dollars down that Vidro would be hired as the Expos Spanish Language Announcer for their radio games. Assuming the Expos had a radio deal and that the French-Canadians spoke Spanish.

Livan Hernandez - Rockies claimed him. All I ask is you look at the comments here. Not only am I psychic, but I can predict the future. (Speaking of these charlatans (Word of the Day), if they were psychic, wouldn’t they only go into work when there was going to be customers? Your empty red velour couch gives you away, faker!)

David Ortiz - He’s hearing a click in his wrist. Sell, Mortimer!

Jason Isringhausen - It was good to see Izzy come into a three run game. I mean, anyone should be able to get a save in that situat–Brain Freeze!

Eddie Guardado - Got the save after Wilson came into the game in the eighth and gave up four earned runs. Um… Wilson’s headed to the Disgraceful List. I mean, there’s nothing official, but he’s headed there. Cust kayin’.

Placido Polanco/Jason Kubel - 2 HRs apiece. There’s nothing else to say about either of these two schmohawks.

Fernando Rodney/Joel Zumaya - Leyland officially removes Rodney from the role of closer and inserts Zumaya. *wipes hand, lights cigarette, whistles* Then Rodney throws three innings of no-hit baseball while K’ing 5. Meanwhile, Zumaya gives up 4 runs, three unearned, to blow the save and take the loss. Bad week to quit sniffing glue.

Chris Carpenter - 5 IP, 2 Ks, 0 ER. Solid start, but Ks are low. He gets the Cubs next. That will be when we find out if his fantasy baseball owners have coconuts or marbles.

Shane Victorino - 11th homer yesterday. Rios still has 8.

Mike Hampton - 7 IP, 2 ER and his first win since God knows when. If you think this is a sign to pick him up, get your head examined.

Edinson Volquez - 5 IP, 5 ER. Take out the Liquid Paper cause we’re making corrections.

Alfonso Soriano - HR yesterday. I never have him on any team. Haven’t in a few years. I think I’m drafting Soriano next year. The more injury prone he is, the better. If you would’ve had… *pulls name from hat* Cody Ross while Soriano was down, your overall numbers would look pretty good right now.

Brandon Morrow - GM What’s His Face, “Okay, guys, we’ve made some seemingly intelligent decisions lately so that allows us the chance to slide a stupid move through. Any suggestions?” Yes Man, “Have the cable company charge extra money to watch Ichiro bat!” Yes Man 2, “Bring back Jose Guillen for Fan Appreciation Day.” Yes Man 3, “Curse at the elderly!” GM What’s His Face, “No, I need something just plain dopey.” In the back of the room, the Janitor pipes in, “Make the best reliever a starter.” “Well, it did work for the A’s…. And either way, we’ll still suck. Give that Janitor Sunday nights off!”

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for $10 schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.

1. Joe Nathan, MIN (Matt Guerrier, Dennys Reyes, Jesse Crain)
2. Jonathan Papelbon, BOS (Hideki Okajima)
3. Francisco Rodriguez, LAA (Scot Shields, Jose Arredondo, Justin Speier)
4. Mariano Rivera, NYY (Jose Veras, Damaso Marte)
5. Brad Lidge, PHI (Chad Durbin, Ryan Madson)
6. Joakim Soria, KAN (Ramon Ramirez)

Donkey-corns

Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkey-corns.

7. Kevin Gregg, FLA (Renyel Pinto, Matt Lindstrom)
8. Francisco Cordero, CIN (Jared Burton, David Weathers)
9. Salomon Torres, MIL (Eric Gagne, Guillermo Mota)
10. Brian Wilson, SAN (Tyler Walker)
11. Brandon Lyon, ARI (Jon Rauch, Tony Pena, Chad Qualls)
12. Jonathan Broxton, LAD (Hong-Chih Kuo)
13. Jose Valverde, HOU (Doug Brocail)
14. George Sherrill, BAL (Fernando Cabrera/Jamie Walker/Jim Johnson)
15. Brian Fuentes, COL (Manny Corpas, Taylor Buchholz)
16. B.J. Ryan, TOR (Scott Downs)
17. Bobby Jenks, CHW (Octavio Dotel, Scott Linebrink, Matt Thornton)
18. Trevor Hoffman, SDG (Heath Bell)

BRAIN FREEZE

I’m going to a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and C.J. Wilson– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Kinsler in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.

19. Carlos Marmol/Kerry Wood, CHI (Bob Howry, Jeff Samardzija)
20. Billy Wagner, NYM (Eddie Kunz, Aaron Heilman, Duaner Sanchez)
21. Huston Street, OAK (Santiago Casilla, Brad Ziegler, Alan Embree, Joey Devine)
22. Troy Percival, TAM (Dan Wheeler, Grant Balfour, J.P. Howell, Al Reyes)
23. Mike Gonzalez, ATL (Rafael Soriano, Blaine Boyer, Will Ohman)
24. Brandon Morrow/J.J. Putz, SEA (Sean Green)
25. Fernando Rodney, DET (Kyle Farnsworth, Joel Zumaya)
26. Masa Kobayashi/Rafael Perez, CLE (Rafael Betancourt)
27. Chris Perez, STL (Kyle McClellan, Ryan Franklin)
28. Joel Hanrahan, WAS (Luis Ayala, Saul Rivera)
29. C.J. Wilson/Eddie Guardado, TEX (Joaquin Benoit)
30. Tyler Yates/John Grabow/Denny Bautista/Corky Thatcher, PIT