Fantasy Baseball Advice

With the the top 20 closers for 2010 fantasy baseball, we’ve finished our recap of the 2010 fantasy baseball rankings.  Some will feel like it came too soon, others will think let’s get 2011 under way already!  Whichever camp you fall in, don’t eat cherimoya seeds, they are poisonous.  This is our final look back.  This is still a look back.  It is not how I’d rank them for 2011 aka next year.  As with the other rankings, the final rankings come from ESPN’s Player Rater.  I did this so I could objectively critique MY preseason rankings to THEIRS.  Their rankings for closers weigh wins when I’d just want saves, but whatevs.  At least it’s unbiased.  Anyway, here’s the top 20 closers for 2010 fantasy baseball and how they compare to where I originally ranked them:

1. Billy Wagner – There’s a theme in the top 20 closers we need to address.  Where I ranked them (or didn’t rank them at all) compared to where they ended up is all over the place.  Now you can either think I’m a jerkoff or you can realize how unpredictable closers are.  This is why you never pay for closers.  The ones that you think will do good end up disappointing (Broxton) or flat-out suck (Frank Francisco).  Then there’s the ones that just come out of nowhere.  It all comes back to SAGNOF!  Preseason Rank #15, 2010 Projections:  4-3/3.00/1.15/60, 30 saves, Final Numbers: 7-2/1.43/0.87/104, 34 saves

2. Rafael Soriano – Never doubted Soriano’s ability… Well, I doubted his ability to stay healthy.  This year is Soriano staying healthy.  Maybe it was Soriano pitching more to contact this year that helped.  He definitely didn’t put up his best K season, but it was easily his best save season.  Preseason Rank #14, 2010 Projections:  2-4/2.95/1.05/70, 25 saves, Final Numbers:  3-2/1.73/0.80/57, 45 saves

3. Heath Bell – Wavy lines appear and we’re back in the 2010 preseason.  You, “I’m not touching Bell, he’s getting traded.”  Me, “Don’t worry about trade rumors in March.  Lots of hoops to jump though before a trade happens and maybe he’s the closer on the new team if he is traded.”  You, “Hoopz is spelled with a Z, I saw it on Flavor of Love.  Now shut your mustache!”  Preseason Rank #5, 2010 Projections:  2-3/2.85/1.10/75, 40 saves, Final Numbers:  6-1/1.93/1.20/86, 47 saves

4. Brian Wilson – This year he was The Machine.  Preseason Rank #11, 2010 Projections:  4-4/3.35/1.20/75, 37 saves, Final Numbers:  3-3/1.81/1.18/93, 48 saves

5. Neftali Feliz – He was ranked last January… For starters.  Since this is really just about me, Feliz hurt me more than any other closer because I A) Owned Frank² in many leagues. B) Didn’t own Feliz.  C) Aren’t the first two enough hurt for one man?  Preseason Unranked for Closers, Final Numbers: 4-3/2.73/0.88/71, 40 saves

6. Joakim Soria – Here’s one of those places where ESPN is giving too much weight to wins.  Soria is being docked for only one win, but you don’t own closers for wins.  Are the vulture wins nice?  Sure, and so is an extra scoop in your Fribble™, but you don’t need it, you glutton.  Preseason Rank #8, 2010 Projections:  4-3/2.75/1.12/75, 32 saves, Final Numbers: 1-2/1.78/1.05/71, 41 saves

7. Carlos Marmol – In the comments on the preseason rankings for closers, there were variations of the same comment.  “You’re being silly with your Marmol projections and where you’re ranking him.  He’s too wild.”  Looking at my preseason projections compared to his final stats, I wasn’t being silly enough.  Preseason Rank #6, 2010 Projections:  4-3/3.15/1.30/100, 38 saves, Final Numbers:  2-3/2.55/1.18/138, 38 saves

8. Matt Capps – Capps really should’ve won the Razzballie for top SAGNOF closer.  He wasn’t the best closer (obviously).  He wasn’t as cheap as Feliz, but, I’d contend that once Feliz got the job people respected what he could do.  No one really wanted the Nats closer in the preseason and assumed during the season that Storen would take over at any moment.  Then Capps ran with the job and the Twins job too.  Preseason Rank #21, Final Numbers:  5-3/2.47/1.26/59, 42 saves

9. Mariano Rivera – The ratios look fine, but this is the beginning of the end for Rivera.  He had the most blown saves in 7 years, he had by his worst K-rate in four years and he’s turning 41 in November.  Preseason Rank #3, 2010 Projections:  4-1/2.15/1.00/70, 42 saves, Final Numbers:  3-3/1.80/0.83/45, 33 saves

10. John Axford – After Feliz, Axford was the best pickup for relievers.  The crazy thing is he was probably available to everyone for longer than most because no one expected him to replace Hoffman for as long as he did and, even as his reign seemed to be going well, people were still concerned Hoffman would return to the role.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  8-2/2.48/1.19/76, 24 saves

11. Jonathan Papelbon – For the first time in his career, his dancing wasn’t the ugliest part of his game.  He gave up more than twice the amount of runs from 2008 to 2009.  The most homers and walks allowed of his career.  And his 2nd lowest save total.  It couldn’t happen to a douchier seeming guy.  Preseason Rank #2, 2010 Projections:  2-1/2.05/1.00/75, 45 saves, Final Numbers:  5-7/3.90/1.27/76, 37 saves

12. Hong-Chih Kuo – Kinda unfair ranking him this high because, outside of deep leagues, you probably didn’t own him for most of these stats even if you did own him.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  3-2/1.20/0.78/73, 12 saves

13. Francisco Cordero – He seems like one of the few relievers who blows saves and doesn’t look pretty even when he converts but there’s never any talk about him losing his job.  That’s Dusty ball!  Preseason Rank #12, 2010 Projections:  3-5/3.45/1.32/60, 35 saves, Final Numbers:  6-5/3.84/1.43/59, 40 saves

14. Ryan Franklin – Another one of those ESPN glitches.  Franklin was fine last year, but his six wins are artificially boosting his value.  For instance, Aardsma was just as good with more saves, but had an 0-6 record.  Preseason Rank #18, 2010 Projections:  4-2/3.75/1.25/40, 30 saves, Final Numbers:  6-2/3.46/1.03/42, 27 saves

15. Chris Perez - Again, there’s probably a good chance you didn’t own him for this whole season’s stats.  If you did, well played.  If you didn’t and are saying you did, why lie?  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers: 2-2/1.71/1.08/61, 23 saves

16. Francisco Rodriguez – In 2009, the Mets had an incident when a shirtless VP, Tony Bernazard, challenged players to a fight.  In 2010, K-Rod made every Thanksgiving very awkward for as long as he’s married to his wife.  My prediction for 2011 is Mr. Met gets a DUI.  He just looks like a rummy.  Preseason Rank #7, 2010 Projections:  5-2/3.10/1.30/70, 40 saves, Final Numbers:  4-2/2.20/1.15/67, 25 saves

17. Andrew Bailey – In the preseason, I said, “Yes, I have Bailey ranked lower than most other ‘perts.”  I also ranked him 17th and that’s where he ended up.  Natch that!  Preseason Rank #17, 2010 Projections:  2-3/3.20/1.14/70, 25 saves, Final Numbers:  1-3/1.47/0.96/42, 25 saves

18. Leo Nunez – Ranked here and he barely got into September with the closing job.  Remember, into the month of August, he had an ERA of 2.64.  He’ll be one of my favorite closer sleepers next year, assuming he’s the closer next year, which I think he will be, and, yes, this sentence ran away from me and I just started throwing in commas, but whatevs.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  4-3/3.46/1.28/71, 30 saves

19. Kevin Gregg – Anyone think Gregg will get any kind of respect next year in drafts?  Yeah, me neither.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  2-6/3.51/1.39/58, 37 saves

20. Jose Valverde – Had a perfectly respectable season that was only hurt because the Tigers either won by more than 4 runs or lost.  Don’t hate the player, hate the unpredictability of the save stat.  Preseason Rank #10, 2010 Projections:  4-4/3.15/1.10/70, 35 saves, Final Numbers: 2-4/3.00/1.16/63, 26 saves

In September, closers either mean everything or they mean nothing.  You either really need closers to catch the next nearest guy in saves or you have too much ground to make up and you’re secure in your standings.  If you fall into the former category, I’d grab anyone I could to get saves.  Hello, Juan Gutierrez, would you like to dance?  If you fall into the latter category, you can either start dropping brain freezes –  Joel Hanarahananananan, we had a terrible time together and now I will drop you.  Goodbye.  –  or just bench your lower tier closers to avoid getting Kazaam’d.  I’d only drop a closer if I knew no one could catch me in saves or if it were strategic.  For instance, I’ve been known to drop a closer because I know the guy with the high waiver claim can get him and catch the guy in front of him in saves, which will help me in the overall standings.  Anyway, here’s all of the closers for your fantasy baseball team, as of right now:

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.

1. Mariano Rivera (Kerry Wood, David Robertson, Joba Chamberlain)
2. Heath Bell (+1) (Mike Adams, Luke Gregerson)
3. Billy Wagner (+1) (Takashi Saito, Jonny Venters)
4. Rafael Soriano (+5) (Dan Wheeler, Joaquin Benoit)

Donkeycorns

Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns.

5. Carlos Marmol (-3) (Sean Marshall, Andrew Cashner)
6. Joakim Soria (+2) (Blake Wood, Dusty Hughes)
7. Brian Wilson (+3) (Sergio Romo, Jeremy Affeldt)
8. Jonathan Papelbon (+4) (Daniel Bard)
9. Neftali Feliz (+4) (Darren O’Day, Darren Oliver)
10. Jose Valverde (-2) (Ryan Perry, Phil Coke)
11. Ryan Franklin (Kyle McClellan, Jason Motte)
12. Chris Perez (+6) (Rafael Perez)
13. Francisco Cordero (+1) (Arthur Rhodes, Nick Masset)
14. Andrew Bailey (+16) (Michael Wuertz, Craig Breslow)
15. Matt Capps (Brian Fuentes, Jon Rauch)
16. Kevin Gregg (+7) (Jason Frasor, Scott Downs)
17. Brad Lidge (+4) (Ryan Madson, Jose Contreras)

Brain Freeze

I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Bobby Jenks– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Konerko in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.

18. Huston Street (+5) (Matt Belisle, Rafael Betancourt)
19. David Aardsma (-1) (Brandon League)
20. Fernando Rodney (-3) (Kevin Jepsen)
21. Drew Storen (+5) (Tyler Clippard, Sean Burnett, Miguel Batista)
22. Bobby Jenks (Scott Linebrink, J.J. Putz, Matt Thornton)
23. Hong-Chih Kuo (-18) (Jonathan Broxton, Octavio Dotel)
24. Brandon Lyon (-5) (Wilton Lopez, Matt Lindstrom)
25. Leo Nunez (-10) (Clay Hensley, Jose Veras, Brian Sanches)
26. Hisanori Takahashi (-20) (Bobby Parnell, Pedro Feliciano)
27. John Axford/Trevor Hoffman (-2) (Zach Braddock)
28. Joel Hanrahan (-1) (Evan Meek, Sean Gallagher)
29. Koji Uehara (-1) (Mike Gonzalez, Alfredo Simon)
30. Juan Gutierrez/Aaron Heilman (-1) (Sam Demel, A pitching machine disguised with a handlebar mustache)

Matt Capps got traded and kept his job, Rauch didn’t get traded and lost his job, Octavio Dotel got traded and lost his job, Brian Wilson didn’t get traded but is moping because his shoes are no longer shiny.  It’s the bullpens, ya’ll.  Just yesterday Lindstrom was out with a sore back that he hurt when he tried to get the A’s replacement closer in his fantasy league.  That’s a true story in opposite world.  On the top of the rankings, Wagner made himself a $12 Salad.  On the bottom of the rankings, I wanted to move Chris Perez into the Donkeycorns, but he needs more time in the role first.  He’ll be a Donkeycorn by September.  Mark my words!  But don’t mark them on your computer, that doesn’t come off.  Anyway, here’s all of the closers for your fantasy baseball team, as of right now:

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.

1. Mariano Rivera (Kerry Wood, Joba Chamberlain)
2. Carlos Marmol (+1) (Sean Marshall, Andrew Cashner)
3. Heath Bell (+2) (Luke Gregerson, Ryan Webb)
4. Billy Wagner (+4) (Takashi Saito, Kyle Farnsworth)

Donkeycorns

Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns.

5. Jonathan Broxton (-4) (Octavio Dotel, Hong-Chih Kuo)
6. Francisco Rodriguez (Pedro Feliciano, Bobby Parnell)
7. Jose Valverde (-3) (Ryan Perry, Phil Coke)
8. Joakim Soria (Robinson Tejeda)
9. Rafael Soriano (+1) (Dan Wheeler, Joaquin Benoit)
10. Brian Wilson (-1) (Sergio Romo, Chris Ray)
11. Ryan Franklin (+1) (Jason Motte, Kyle McClellan)
12. Jonathan Papelbon (+1) (Daniel Bard)
13. Neftali Feliz (+1) (Frank Francisco, Darren O’Day)
14. Leo Nunez (+1) (Clay Hensley, Brian Sanches)
15. Francisco Cordero (+1) (Arthur Rhodes, Nick Masset)
16. Matt Capps (+2) (Jon Rauch, Matt Guerrier, Jesse Crain)
17. Brian Fuentes (+3) (Fernando Rodney, Kevin Jepsen)

Brain Freeze

I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Huston Street– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Tulo in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.

18. David Aardsma (+1) (Brandon League)
19. Matt Lindstrom (Brandon Lyon)
20. Chris Perez (+6) (Rafael Perez)
21. Brad Lidge (+2) (Ryan Madson, Jose Contreras)
22. Bobby Jenks (+2) (J.J. Putz, Matt Thornton)
23. Kevin Gregg (+2) (Jason Frasor, Scott Downs)
24. Huston Street (+2) (Matt Belisle, Manny Corpas)
25. John Axford (+2) (Trevor Hoffman, Zach Braddock)
26. Drew Storen/Tyler Clippard/Sean Burnett (-8) (Miguel Batista)
27. Joel Hanrahan/Evan Meek (-7) (Sean Gallagher)
28. Alfredo Simon/Mike Gonzalez (David Hernandez)
29. Aaron Heilman (+1) (Sam Demel, Juan Gutierrez)
30. Michael Wuertz/Craig Breslow (-19) (Brad Ziegler, Andrew Bailey, Lou Ferrigno)

For the first time in over two years, Jonathan Papelbon is no longer a $12 Salad.  I know, call your Congressman.  Pass Prop 12.  There’s been signs for a long time that he wasn’t the same closer from 2007.  I didn’t want to move him because he seemed like the epitome of a $12 Salad.  Overpriced lettuce? Yeah, random italicized voice, sorta.  Cool, now I’m totally confused. I think Papelbon has the name value attached to him that makes him seem more attractive than he really is.  His WHIP is kinda bleh.  His ERA’s kinda ugly.  His dancing is hideous.  For the first time in a while, I can see Papelbon’s cracks.  And, uh, cracks kill.  Anyway, here’s all of the closers for your fantasy baseball team, as of right now:

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.

1. Mariano Rivera (+1) (Joba Chamberlain, Damaso Marte)
2. Jonathan Broxton (-1) (Hong-Chih Kuo, Ramon Troncoso)
3. Carlos Marmol (+1) (Sean Marshall, Andrew Cashner)
4. Jose Valverde (+3) (Phil Coke, Ryan Perry)

Donkeycorns

Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns.

5. Heath Bell (+2) (Luke Gregerson, Mike Adams)
6. Francisco Rodriguez (Pedro Feliciano)
7. Joakim Soria (-2) (Robinson Tejeda, Kyle Farnsworth)
8. Billy Wagner (+5) (Takashi Saito, Peter Moylan)
9. Brian Wilson (Sergio Romo, Chris Ray)
10. Rafael Soriano (Dan Wheeler, Joaquin Benoit)
11. Andrew Bailey (Michael Wuertz, Brad Ziegler)
12. Ryan Franklin (Jason Motte, Kyle McClellan)
13. Jonathan Papelbon (-10) (Daniel Bard, Hideki Okajima)
14. Neftali Feliz (+7) (Frank Francisco, Darren O’Day)
15. Leo Nunez (+2) (Brian Sanches)
16. Francisco Cordero (-2) (Arthur Rhodes, Nick Masset)
17. Jon Rauch (-2) (Matt Guerrier, Jesse Crain)
18. Matt Capps (+1) (Tyler Clippard, Drew Storen)

Brain Freeze

I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Brian Fuentes– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Napoli in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.

19. David Aardsma (-3) (Brandon League)
20. Matt Lindstrom (Brandon Lyon, Jeff Fulchino)
21. Brian Fuentes (-3) (Fernando Rodney, Kevin Jepsen)
22. Octavio Dotel (Evan Meek, Joel Hanrahan)
23. Brad Lidge (+5) (Jose Contreras, Danys Baez, Chad Durbin)
24. Bobby Jenks (-1) (J.J. Putz, Matt Thornton)
25. Kevin Gregg (-1) (Jason Frasor, Scott Downs)
26. Huston Street (-1) (Manny Corpas, Matt Belisle, Rafael Betancourt)
27. John Axford (+2) (Trevor Hoffman, Zach Braddock, Carlos Villanueva)
28. Kerry Wood (-2) (Chris Perez, Tony Sipp, Rafael Perez)
29. Alfredo Simon (+1) (David Hernandez, Jason Berken, Mike Gonzalez)
30. Aaron Heilman (-3) (Chad Qualls, Sam Demel, Juan Gutierrez, R.B.I. Baseball’s Mike Scott)

If there’s one guy who can’t afford to lose a foot, it’s the five-three Dustin Pedroia.  As of post time, it’s not clear how long Pedroia will be out with his fractured foot.  My guess is 4 to 6 weeks.  One thing Scrappy Doo does is fight.  It’s a wonder he can carry around the over-sized baboon heart he’s got.  One thing Scrappy Doo doesn’t do (say that fast 117 times) is sit on the sidelines, but to paraphrase the Christian Slater/Marisa Tomei classic, Untamed Heart, “You love with your mind and soul, not your heart.  But you don’t hit with your mind and soul when you have a fractured foot.”  So while Dusty’s shelved, you need to find a replacement.  Some ways you can look for average?  Aviles or Kendrick.  Steals?  Figgy or Theriot.  RBIs?  Barmes or Guillen.  Runs?  Walker or Polanco.  All of these options depend on your league depth, obviously.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Clay Buchholz – Hyperextended his knee on Saturday, but the word on Lansdowne Street is he will avoid the DL and shouldn’t miss more than one start, even if that.  Good news indeed, he’s Clay aching but he should be back to filling your fantasy gloryhole soon.

Victor Martinez – Fractured his left thumb.  Yeah, that’s bad news.  Right now, the team is saying he might not need a DL stint.  DL stint or not, I can’t imagine this won’t effect his hitting.  You know, the, uh, reason you own him in fantasy.  Red Sox should borrow some steel-toed boots and body armor from The Rathskeller bouncers.

Carlos Zambrano – Big Z mad!  Big Z and Derrek Lee were seen going at in the dugout after Lee defended the Gatorade cooler’s honor.  Big Z suspended!  When he returns, he’ll be pitching out of the bullpen.  Maybe the Cubs can work out some kind of in-game nursery where Big Z nannies while on the bullpen bench.  Big Z nurtures!

Tyler Colvin – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs with his 10th homer as he hit leadoff.  I don’t think it continues, but there’s no reason why you shouldn’t own him now.

Carlos Marmol – 1 IP, 3 ER.  Kazaam!

Paul Konerko – Hit his 20th homer while Vernon Wells hit his 19th as the Battle For Best Value From A Draft Pick That Everyone Yawned At continues.

Bobby Jenks – Left the club for a family emergency.  Thornton or Putz will fill in for him.  Or it could be Putz, Thornton.  Or maybe Thornton Putz the III.

Chris Narveson – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Wow, this was a spectac–  Oh, this was vs. the Mariners.

John Axford – Recorded his 7th save.  Hoffman’s actually done enough to warrant the closer role again, but Axford hasn’t done anything to lose it.  That’s the pickle between the rock and the hard place.

Rickie Weeks – 4-for-5 as he hit his 13th homer.  All you Weeks owners out there, you’re playing with house money and I hope the Injury Reaper comes to collect soon.

Chone Figgins – Not sure if his shipment of Red Bull just came in, but he has 7 steals in his last 5 games.  Figgy Smalls is the stealie-est.

Russell Branyan – Acquired by the Mariners.  First, the Orioles acquire Jake Fox, now the M’s get Branyan.  Maybe the Pirates can get Xavier Nady next.  As for Branyan, his value stays the same.  He hits homers (10 in 171 ABs) and that’s about it.

Evan Longoria – Longoria and Upton went at it yesterday for Upton’s lack of hustle and the pass he made at Tony Parker.  I heard about the fight before seeing the replay (Upton was lollygagging), but it didn’t surprise me at all.  I was watching the Rays the other day and Upton hit a grounder that he wouldn’t have beat out, but he still could’ve ran down the line.  Someone should smack a 44-cent stamp on Eckstein’s forehead and ship him to Tampa so he can have an instructional seminar about running to first.  Or maybe we can have a three inning exhibition held during All-Star Game weekend with the All-Effort Team taking on the Effortless Team.

Brennan Boesch – 2-for-5 with his 12th homer.  Where have I heard his name before?  Oh, I know!  Every Razzball roundup for the last month.  Geez, you’d think I’d know since I’m the one in charge of cracking the whip at the 100 monkeys who write this shizz.

Tommy Hanson – 3 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Kinda sucks if you own him, but I don’t so… Schadenfreude, snitches!

Johnny Damon – 1-for-4 with two steals.  Did Jules stab him in the heart with some adrenaline?  Man, did Damon get old fast.  He reminds me of Randy Winn.  You are not a better man than I, Jandy Dinn.

Brett Cecil – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 11 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Last time I talked about how Cecil could have a tired arm.  This time I’d like to say he’s unstartable.

Scott Baker – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 11 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Through 96 IP, he has 83 Ks to 19 BBs and his home games are in a pitcher’s park.  His 4.97 ERA just isn’t computing, but unless you and your leaguemates get together at the end of the year and discuss what your ERA should really be, you can’t afford to keep running Baker out there.

Jonathon Niese – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks and calmly explained to Julie why she shouldn’t call Heather B. “her sista.”

Shin-Soo Choo – 2-for-4 with 2 homers.  If loving Choo’s wrong, I don’t want to be right.

Kerry Wood – Wood will be traded to someone, who will regret it, and Chris Perez will take over.  That’s your cue to grab Perez.

Matt LaPorta – Will take over for Branyan and play every day.  Decent flyer for AL-Only leagues and 20 team leagues that use only Cleveland Indian players.

Mitch Talbot – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks and a 3.88 ERA on the year.  That’s nice, I wouldn’t pick him up with your team.

Jaime Garcia – 2 IP, 5 ER, 6 baserunners, 0 Ks.  It’s a bird, it’s a plane… Oh, crap, it’s Jaime Garcia falling back to earth.  Watch out!

Colby Rasmus – 2nd homer in two games and now has 16 homers on the year.  Okay, I get it.  You’re breaking out, I was wrong to say to sell you.  Message received, loud and clear.  I won’t even bother reiterating how your HR/FB is too high.

Will Venable – 3 homers and 2 steals in the last week while batting near .350.  Sure, grab him while hot, but next week it could be back to Will Unable.

Luke Gregerson – Got the save yesterday as Bell had the day off.  I wonder if he went to Sea World.

Billy Wagner – Had a cortisone shot on his ankle on Saturday, but says he’ll be good to go for the next save opp.  Peter Moylan or Saito, in reverse order, would fill in if need be.

Lastings Milledge – Hit his first homer of the year yesterday.  Yes, like first first.  That’s pretty gangsta, Lastings.  You should write a rap song about how Jody Gerut is outhomering you in 150 less at-bats.

Ian Stewart – Now has two homers in the last five games.  It’s not quite the Mini Mini Donkey punch we all want, but it’s a start.

Jhoulys Chacin – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 12 Ks.   It’s pronounced Yo-lease and 12 Ks is “Yo, nice!”  Now has 71 Ks in 66 2/3 IP, while making it look yo-leasy.  Coors is terrifying in mixed leagues, but Jhoulys is out pitching a bunch of better bets right now.  Member the courage you didn’t have to draft Ubaldo?  Here’s your chance for redemption.

Mike Napoli – Hit a homer yesterday.  Word out of Bobby Grichville is the Angels are shopping Napoli.  Napoli should’ve seen it coming when Scioscia kissed Napoli on the lips at the Angels New Year’s Eve party and told him he broke his heart.

Edwin Jackson – Good for Edwin, though this was the ugliest no-hitter since Bob Forsch threw one in 1983.  And that was only ugly because Willie McGee was on the field.