We fill out the 2012 fantasy baseball rankings with the last few hitters, the top 5 utility players for 2012 fantasy baseball. Tomorrow we take this mother to one hundred! Not one hundred utility men. The top 100 overall. Then we take this to 300! Again, not 300 utility men. Okay, these players are only eligible at DH aka Utility. Frankly, I don’t think you should draft any of these designated hitters. They don’t allow enough flexibility. For example, what if you had Vladimir Guerrero clogging up your Utility spot last year and you really wanted to pick up Desmond Jennings? You would’ve been wretched, retching on all fours to borrow from The Decemberists. These guys have no position eligibility for fantasy baseball. As with past rankings posts, this top 5 for 2012 will be broken up into tiers, and their 2012 projections will be included. Anyway, here’s the top 5 utility players for 2012 fantasy baseball (they suck, enjoy!):
1. Billy Butler – This is the first tier. This tier goes from here until here. I call this tier, “Look at dem cans!” (Butler had 11 games at 1st base so he might have eligibility for you there.) To see Butler’s 2012 projections go to the top 20 1st basemen for 2012 fantasy baseball.
2. David Ortiz – This is a new tier. This tier goes from here until here. I call this tier, “And now you’re hamstrung.” By the tier name I mean this, Ortiz seems like the only Utility-only player that anyone considers drafting. People draft Butler, but as a 1st baseman. So when people draft Ortiz, they really are only getting a Utility-only player. With no hope of getting a 1st baseman from games played during the season. Now they have no flexibility. If you have a guy in your Utility spot all year, you’re hamstrung. BTW, isn’t it interesting how the word utility means something useful, but for fantasy it’s not? I swear that sounded interesting in my head before I typed it. Anyhoo! 2012 Projections: 75/27/90/.270
3. Johnny Damon – (Has 16 games in the outfield, so he might have eligibility there.) This is a new tier. This tier goes from here until the end of the post. I call this tier, “You are a damn fool if you draft one of these guys.” Actually, I can see a scenario where drafting one these guys makes sense. You join a ten team league with you and nine other teams that are just you using different aliases. I’d then draft Damon for one of the other teams that you’re sandbagging. When you beat the nine alias sandbagging teams, the girls will be throwing themselves at your feet. 2012 Projections: 50/12/40/.265/12
4. Vladimir Guerrero – It’s definitely not the age of the DH, huh? Somewhere Ron Blomberg is rolling over in his grave. Assuming he’s dead. If he’s not, looking at the current DHs will kill him. I hope you’re happy, Vlad! 2012 Projections: 35/15/45/.270
5. Hideki Matsui – “Does he have outfield eligibility? Does he have a current major league team that is going to play him?” That could also be this tier’s name. 2012 Projections: crap/that/smells/nasty
The top 10 and top 20 for 2012 fantasy baseball are in the bag, along with the top 20 catchers and your receipt for a $30 massage valued at $50. Thanks, Groupon! Today, Razzhands, we look at the top 20 1st basemen for 2012 fantasy baseball. All this shizz can be found under the 2012 fantasy baseball rankings. Don’t believe me? Click the link. This top 20 list of 1st basemen is bursting at the seams like you at a Hometown Buffet. Speaking of gorging yourself, I’d like a top 1st baseman on my team in 2012, but it’s a little different year than last year. There’s actually only 5 top first basemen then caveats on number 6 (Te(i)x) through 9, then there’s some interesting flyers a bit later. I have a feeling 2013′s rankings are going to see major shifts with some guys that are lower on this ranking sheet moving up. Should be a fun year for first basemen and one where you can take a bit more risk than previous years. This list will get additional 1st basemen added to it in the way of sleeper posts. As with the other rankings, the first basemen are broken up into tiers with my projections included. Anyway, here’s the top 20 1st basemen for 2012 fantasy baseball:
6. Mark Teixeira – See top 20 for 2012 fantasy baseball for Mark Teixeira’s projections. This is actually a new tier. This tier goes from here until Michael Young. I call this tier, “Caterpillars. Tier name will be explained in the Young blurb. Feel free to read Young’s blurb then return here. Hey, back already?! Awesome! I missed you. Do you enjoy cuddling?”
7. Paul Konerko – He’s been wildly consistent. In 2008 when he hit only 22 homers, it looks like the anomaly. If I were to say 2012 is the year he gets old and it all falls apart, I’d just be guessing. Last year he hit hardly any doubles, more line drives and singles, but he’s also getting smarter cutting his K-rate and increasing his walk rate. The biggest hurdle Konerko is going to have this year is keeping his will to play as the team folds on Opening Day. Maybe Hawk can work in some of his positivism in the negativity. “This is the fastest a team has ever been out of contention! You can put it on the board… We gone!” 2012 Projections: 85/29/100/.290
8. Lance Berkman – Let’s see if you can pick out the number that doesn’t belong, these are his homer totals from 2009 to 2011 — 25, 14, 31. If you said 14, you’re a believer. Feel free to draft Berkman. If you said 31, you’re in my camp. We will not be drafting Berkman. If you said 27, that wasn’t a choice. Berkman didn’t necessarily have an odd year for homers per fly balls. He made solid contact, reducing his ground balls, but he’s 36 years old and missing Pujols. That’s enough for me to avoid. 2012 Projections: 80/24/95/.275/3
9. Michael Young – This tier is filled with some older shorties, huh? Go, shorty, it’s your 35th birthday; we gonna party like it’s your 35th birthday! As I kinda said in the opening paragraph, the 1st basemen in 2012 are about to go caterpillar up in here and morph into a butterfly, but with that butterfly emerging from its cocoon Don Ameche-style, it needs to shed its caterpillar skin (can you tell I did well in my college science courses?). This tier is gonna leave behind some caterpillar skin that will be released into the garden and turn into a new plant and/or Eric Hosmer. (Again, not a science major.) To explain all of this without the confusing metaphor, guys in this tier are getting old and will make way for guys in the next tier for next year. As for Young, I don’t like him because he only gives average, and, while that’s been consistently solid in his career, he still got lucky last year and he’s due to hit a lot closer to .300 than .340. Projections: 75/15/90/.310/5
10. Carlos Santana – Here comes the fun! Can you feel the excitement? It’s like that time we got together and did the crab circle dance in the pool in Cabo San Lucas and all our roommates were there except Zach and Ashley — but who needs them anyway?! This is a new tier. This tier goes from here until Butler. I call this tier, “The crab circle in Cabo San Lucas.” Is that too specific a reference? You guys and three girl readers get it. See the top 20 catchers for 2012 fantasy baseball to see Carlos Santana’s projections.
11. Eric Hosmer – I’m ignoring sophomore jinxes like I ignored when my whole sophomore class saw me get depantsed and I had on dirty tightie-whities. I continue to stress that they were once all brown underwear that got bleached. Hosmer is going to be special, and even if it’s not this year, he’s going to hold trade value through the season unless his bottom really falls out, which I don’t envision happening. His commitment to stealing around ten bases will keep him from totally flopping. He will be Joey Votto-lite this year. How lite is the only question. I don’t think it’ll be that lite. BTW, you know who’s Billy Butler-lite? Kirstie Alley. 2012 Projections: 85/25/95/.280/10
12. Michael Morse – I think Morse just had his best season, but I also don’t think he’s gonna fall like, say, Ryan Ludwick of a few years ago, to mention a player that was old for a prospect, broke out then went back to obscurity. Speaking of which, when you get robbed in a parking garage and the security guard tells the police they didn’t hear anything, you tell them they’re more like obscurity! Store it away for when it’s applicable. Morse had the trappings* of a breakout but his health always got in the way. I’m excited to watch the Nats this year and Morse should be smack dab in the middle of it. *I have no idea if I used trappings right but it sounded pretty cool the way I just threw it out there, right? 2012 Projections: 80/27/90/.275/3
13. Michael Cuddyer – Gets away from Hubert H. Homerfree Dome and goes to Coors. Boom goes the dynamite! Or does it? Cuddyer just had a solid season, and terrific when compared to the team around him. Jack Wilson would’ve looked good in that Minnesota mucky muck last year. Cuddyer hits a ton of ground balls and he’s not a huge homer threat. I’d say if he repeats his 2011, it’s a win for him and his fantasy owners, especially since he has 2nd base eligibility in some leagues (17 games). Check your rules first before you draft him for 2nd, then think about how you’re checking rules for fantasy baseball. And you wonder why you have no success with the ladies. 2012 Projections: 75/22/85/.275/5
14. Mark Reynolds – His K-rate is kinda comical. He’s a terrible real baseball player. But real baseball is for real athletes. What kind of crap is that?! Give me a computer, an ergonomic chair and some Doritos, I’m playing fantasy baseball! As long as Mini Donkey continues to hit 35 homers and steal 7-10 bases, he has solid fantasy value, just don’t draft Krispie Young, Adam Dunn or any other low average guys with him. Actually, don’t draft Adam Dunn at all. 2012 Projections: 75/35/90/.230/7
15. Adam Lind – The reason why I still go back to Lind no matter how many times he kicks my metaphorical puppy is because he’s capable of 35+ homers. Also, he got a bad rap in 2010 for being a guy that comes with a poor average, but he’s not that, y’all! He’s around a .260 guy with neutral luck. That’s a’ight, and a’ight is better than just a’ight but not quite a’ight a’ight. Want a silly prediction that has no basis in science or fact? Lind’s gonna be a top three finisher in 2012 for MVP. 2012 Projections: 90/32/105/.270 (<–crazy optimistic, but whatevs)
15 1/2. Billy Butler – I gave Butler a half ranking because he only has 11 games at 1st base. In Yahoo leagues, you can place The Moob Man at 1st. I’d use two hands so one moob doesn’t feel neglected. Yes, Butler’s in the exciting tier, but I worry that Butler will only get 17 or less homers with a bad case of blimpotence. But II, The Return of But, at 26 years old I think we can trust he’ll hover closer to 20 ding dongs. Butler, “Did someone say ding dongs?!” 2012 Projections: 90/20/100/.300
16. Ryan Howard – This is a new tier. This tier goes from here until the end of the list. I call this tier, “Some major question marks, but a chance for nice dividends.” Howard will move in the rankings at some point in the preseason when we know exactly when he’s gonna return. If he’s back by the end of April, he hits 25-30 homers and is worth stashing. If he’s not due back until midseason, I wouldn’t even bother drafting him and would drop him off this list completely. I don’t believe in DL’ing players for months in redraft leagues. For example, think about how many years you drafted Brandon Webb waiting for him to return from injury. Yeah, that worked out well. 2012 Projections: 70/28/100/.260 (returning on May 1st)
18. Ike Davis – Last year, Ike took so many hits on the DL; somewhere Tina Turner was smiling. Davis says his ankle will be good to go for Spring Training. I say, just keep him away from the Mets doctors. From this tier, I’d say Davis has the biggest chance to shoot up the rankings for next year. Or he could have one setback and miss another three months. 2012 Projections: 85/22/90/.280
19. Mark Trumbo – When I went over Albert Pujols’s signing, I also covered Trumbo’s question mark. As long as Abreu, Double I and Kendrys are shooting the shizz and talking about the good old times, Trumbo’s either playing 3rd or in trouble of losing playing time. 3rd base would be great, but his defense might give Scioscia the gas face. I really can’t see someone who gave Jeff Mathis 1360 plate appearances in 5 years playing Trumbo at third. That’s a huge question mark. If Trumbo can get 500 plate appearances, then I’d happily draft him. Remember a platoon player at catcher is doable for fantasy, but at 1st or even at corner you need stats. Projections: 60/25/75/.260/7 (500 PAs)
20. Paul Goldschmidt – I already went over my Paul Goldschmidt fantasy. I wrote it while rooting for Garfield from Parking Wars to boot a car. 2012 Projections: 75/27/85/.245/7
After the top 20 1st basemen, there’s a lot of names but these stand out:
Kendrys Morales – Might not be a bigger question mark on this entire list. Ryan Howard could be out for a while, but if he returns, you should get decent production. Kendrys might return and still be crizzap. Or he might return and platoon with Abreu or Trumbo or Wells. Or he might return and be valuable. You got more variables than an episode of Mythbusters. Boom! I’m bigger on basic cable than Chumlee! 2012 Projections: 65/22/75/.290
Justin Morneau – This is one question mark that I’m not drafting anywhere. This schmohawk can come to my house and make me a perfectly medium-rare steak with the most amazing compound butter and I won’t go near him because, after last year, his steak will probably give me an immediate heart attack. 2012 Projections: 60/17/75/.285
Gaby Sanchez – He (she?) can give you modest power and solid counting stats. Plus, you can pretend you have a girl on your team. You ask why he’s not ranked and I answer that he is. He’s ranked just after Morneau. Him and Morneau are a bit of a toss-up, but Morneau has an outside chance at bigger power numbers. Gaby has a better chance of actually playing a full season. 2012 Projections: 65/20/85/.265/3
Freddie Freeman – I don’t look forward to drafting Freeman. So much so, I won’t draft him. So much so much so, I didn’t even rank him. He’s not ranked. He’s just blurbed here. He’s too much James Loney for my taste. He has a slightly off year on power and you’re gonna be lucky to get 17 homers. Belch called and said burp. 2012 Projections: 60/19/75/.280/3
Yonder Alonso – I took all the prospect reports on Alonso and put through my supercomputer and out came, “Should develop into a 20+ homer hitter with a great eye. Padres TV can save time by eliminating instant replay because he runs like he’s in slow mo.” I liked Yonder a lot more when he was on the Reds with no starting job than on the Padres with a starting job. It’s just so hard to get excited about a hitter’s upside in Petco. 2012 Projections: 55/16/70/.280
Justin Smoak – I’m letting someone else take the Smoak gamble this year. Until he hits 25+ homers, I don’t want to mess with his .240-ish average. Call me crazy. You, “Crazy.” 2012 Projections: 55/18/65/.245
Carlos Pena – Looking for someone this year that can do what Adam Dunn did last year? Look no further! He signed with the Rays, but it doesn’t matter. He is what he is everywhere he plays. I will now slap myself hard across the face for saying a variation of “it is what it is.” 2012 Projections: 55/25/75/.210
Adam Dunn – Everyone seems to think Dunn is not, um, done. Correction: Everyone that did not own him last year. I guess they want a piece of the frustration that others felt last year. That’s like standing at the craps table and watching roll after roll where people lose and you’re like, “Now is the time to get in!” No, it’s not. There’s no reason why the table is going to turn for the better. The big-bellied age quickly and poorly. Don’t go near Dunn just because you lucked out not owning him last year. And, if you did own him last year and want more, then you’re like Homer grabbing the donut no matter how many times the electrical current shocks him. 2012 Projections: 55/22/80/.220 (<–actually optimistic)
Anthony Rizzo – Because I couldn’t end the post on a sour note with Adam Dunn, here’s R to the izzo. I already went over my Anthony Rizzo 2012 fantasy. I wrote it while huffing. It was also written before the trade to the Cubs, so the end about how I wanna take a chainsaw to Petco is irrelevant. I don’t think we’ll see Rizzo until June at the earliest so in redraft leagues, I’d ignore him, but in keeper leagues I’d stash him. He could hit 25 homers as soon as next year. If he breaks camp with the Cubs, then it’s on like Steve Wiebe playing Donkey Kong. 2012 Projections: 30/10/45/.250/4 (in 300 ABs)
Brandon Belt – Okay, one more! This is it though. If Belt were guaranteed everyday playing time, I’d place him between Napoli and Davis. Around 16 and a half. Belt is capable of 25/10/.280, which would have him poised to be a top 5 1st baseman next year. The problem is Bruce Bochy has a gigantic head, but a very small brain. Hopefully he realizes Belt ties the entire Giants outfit together. 2012 Projections: 70/24/80/.280/10 (in 500 ABs)
After drudging through an Andy Dufresne-type tunnel for the top 20 catchers for 2011, I find myself with a group that actually really hurt or helped your team depending on how you drafted. If you went wrong with your 1st baseman, it could kill your season. Hey, Justin Morneau, no hard feelings from me. We are totally fine. Please enjoy these cyanide pills I made special for you. If you went right, you might’ve won your league. To recap, this final ranking is from ESPN Player Rater with my comments. The Player Rater allows me to be impartial while looking at how I ranked them in the preseason. Anyway, here’s the top 20 1st basemen for 2011 fantasy baseball and how they compared to where I originally ranked them:
1. Miguel Cabrera – Member when people were moving away from Swiggy Cabrera in the preseason and I said stop paying attention to preseason nonsense? You need to turn down the treble and remove the noise. I’m not sure if people run with these nonsense stories to sell pageviews or they really believe the tripe their slinging. Either way, it made no difference. Miguel’s breathalyzer never dips below .320, but his power was a bit down. But II, The Return of But, he still gave you all that and a bag of breath mints for the long ride home. Preseason Rank #2, 2011 Projections: 110/37/120/.320/5, Final Numbers: 111/30/105/.344/2
2. Adrian Gonzalez – Sure, I ranked him 5th for all 1st basemen in the preseason, but he was also ranked 10th overall with five first basemen in my preseason top 10. People said I was crazy to stack my top 10 with 1st basemen and power hitters. People said you can get 1st basemen later. Grab Youkilis, people said. Or Aubrey Huff. Or Morneau. Oh, wait, I was one of those people that said to grab Morneau. Oh, well. They ain’t all gems. Hopefully that’s my last comment about Morneau for at least three blurbs. Okay, one more Morneau comment. In the preseason, I said, “Morneau’s more valuable than Youuuuuk if he can stay healthy, but put Morneau staying healthy in one hand and a fortune cookie that says, “Morneau never stays healthy” in the other hand and what do you have? Exactly!” And that’s me foreseeing crap and not even getting out of the way when Morneau started flinging it! Preseason Rank #5, 2011 Projections: 100/37/110/.280, Final Numbers: 108/27/117/.338/1
3. Albert Pujols – I’m beginning to think that he could miss five of six months and still get 100/35/100/.300. On a side note, he should open a bar in West Hollywood named Pujols. It would give The Manhole a run for its money. Preseason Rank #1, 2011 Projections: 105/37/115/.315/10, Final Numbers: 105/37/99/.299/9
4. Joey Votto – Another reason to take a first baseman very early in a draft. How many of them flopped from my first 20 overall picks? None. There were shortstops that flopped. Outfielders that flopped. No 1st basemen. Sure, Ryan Howard didn’t hit for a great average, but he still got 110+ RBIs and 30+ homers. Preseason Rank #3, 2011 Projections: 95/32/110/.310/10, Final Numbers: 101/29/103/.309/8
5. Prince Fielder – Just another huge year on an odd-numbered year. Making us saberhagenmetricians look smart. Preseason Rank #4, 2011 Projections: 100/38/115/.280, Final Numbers: 95/38/115/.299/1
6. Michael Young – Another guy that had a ton of noise around him in the preseason. “Ooh, Grey, your mustache is full and beautiful but don’t you think Young will be hurt by all of this trade talk.” That’s you. Me, “Stop listening to all this superfluous stuff.” Only I didn’t say stuff. I said shizz. Preseason Rank #8 for 3rd basemen, 2011 Projections: 85/17/80/.280/5, Final Numbers: 88/11/106/.338/6
7. Lance Berkman – Said in the preseason that maybe Lance Berkman can give you a 2010 Konerko-type year (a big bounce back for a vet), but I really didn’t believe Berkman could do it. Then for almost two months I continued to tell you he’d stop doing it or get injured while he was actually doing it. Yeah, Berkman and I had our differences this year. I don’t believe in Berkman for next year either, if you were wondering how obstinate I can be. Preseason Rank #17, 2011 Projections: 65/20/75/.270/5, Final Numbers: 90/31/94/.301/2
8. Paul Konerko – For Konerko, I’m sick of predicting the end when the end just keeps running into the here and now. That is not a line from Air Supply, but could be. Preseason Rank #15, 2011 Projections: 70/24/85/.265, Final Numbers: 69/31/105/.300/1
9. Michael Morse – First totally out of nowhere name, which means if you decided to punt 1st base early in your draft, you had to get Morse or you were screwed. BTW, his photo makes him look like the biggest doofus. And, really, I don’t use the word doofus too much, except when it’s totally applicable like right now. Looks like he should be saying, “Which way did he go, George; which way did he go?” Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers: 73/31/95/.303/2
10. Mark Teixeira – The average has really dipped recently (.256 in 2009), which I no longer think is an aberration, but three times in a row is a better pattern. The rule of three yadda3. As long as he’s on the Yanks and hitting in The House They Built In The Parking Lot Next To The House That Ruth Built, it’s gonna be hard to fault all the other stats. Preseason Rank #6, 2011 Projections: 105/35/115/.280, Final Numbers: 90/39/111/.248/4
12. Ryan Howard – I don’t buy that he was actually this low in value. Again, this is somewhere the ESPN Player Rater and I don’t see eye to eye. They overrate average and steals. As for everyone who agrees that Ryan Howard wasn’t good this year and I’m crazy, I like to point you to a picture of my long-lost son. Preseason Rank #7, 2011 Projections: 85/38/100/.265, Final Numbers: 81/33/116/.253/1
13. Eric Hosmer – Not bad for two-thirds of a season. Not to scream fire in the theater of Razzball, but he kinda looks like the 2nd coming of Votto. No, I don’t use those words lightly. Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers: 66/19/78/.293/11
14. Howie Kendrick – Kendrick is such a cusp player. I’ll explain. If he gets 5 less homers or steals, he loses so much of his value. It tends to be the case with guys who get a lot of value from average. See Michael Young as another example. Preseason Rank #14 for 2nd basemen, 2011 Projections: 65/12/85/.305/15, Final Numbers: 86/18/63/.285/14
15. Billy Butler – His season was decent, about what I’d expect (as you see from my preseason projections), but I’m not exactly altering my copy of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo to a picture book with Butler titled, The Man with the Luscious Cans, because his cans were only saved by a 2nd half that was big like his badonkadonk. Preseason Rank #13, 2011 Projections: 80/20/90/.310, Final Numbers: 74/19/95/.291/2
16. Michael Cuddyer – His real value came when he gained 2nd base eligibility. Also, I do these top 20 listings in the order you read them, so I’ve only done the catchers and 1st basemen thus far. I tell you this because I was just thinking that I bet Cuddyer is the only Twins hitter or pitcher to rank anywhere in these end of the season lists. What a shizzshow in Minny. At the end of the year, they should have a Worst Series, where the two worst teams square off in a best of seven. Like you wouldn’t watch the Astros take on the Twins. Preseason Rank #51 for outfielders, 2011 Projections: 85/20/80/.275/5, Final Numbers: 70/20/70/.284/11
17. Mark Trumbo – It’s a little weird how much I ignore average. I looked at Trumbo and Hosmer’s season and really had no idea how Trumbo was below him in ranking. Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers: 65/29/87/.254/9
18. Freddie Freeman – Having a hard time figuring out how his season was worse than Mr. Grapefruit, Billy Butler. Feel free to share if you figure it out. Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers: 67/21/76/.282/4
19. Carlos Lee – The one nice thing I can say about Carlos Lee is you didn’t expect anything and he didn’t disappoint. Preseason Rank #18, 2011 Projections: 65/24/75/.260/3, Final Numbers: 66/18/94/.275/4
20. Mark Reynolds – After Bautista, Mini Donkey caused probably the biggest uproar in the preseason due to my ranking. I ranked him 6th overall for 3rd basemen and he finished the year 8th overall. Out of all the preseason projections for 3rd basemen (which will be up in a few days), Reynolds ended up coming in closest to where I thought he would. Terrible average, good power and some light speed. So far I’ve been more right about Reynolds than any other player through the course of his career. It’s like I’m wearing Birkenstocks, loose-fitting sweats, doing Downward Facing Donkey pose and looking right through Reynolds’ third chakra. Or something. Preseason Rank #6 for 3rd basemen, 2011 Projections: 80/35/95/.235/12, Final Numbers: 84/37/86/.221/6
Asdrubal Cabrera strains his back, and, no “Asdrubal Strains Back” is not a sequel to a sci-fi porn movie. At this time of the year, any little thing can knock people for the remainder of the year. To help you picture what I’m saying, imagine this is April and we’re talking about Morneau. That’s how easily players can get knocked out. This injury comes on a day where Asdrubal hit his 24th homer. Even if Da ‘drubal doesn’t return, he gave you everything he had this year. Drubal took ’11 to 11. For next year, I’m pretty sure he’s going to be a tad overrated. He never hit more than 10 homers in any professional. He’s been consistent with power this year from month to month, but his HR/FB% soared away above anywhere it had ever been before. He should still be able to get around 15 homers next year, but if you get a 15/15 season, you’re suddenly wondering if a sure-to-be-underrated Jimmy Rollins isn’t a safer way to go. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Billy Butler – Missed yesterday’s game with the flu. Someone dump a Gatorade cooler of chicken soup over Butler’s head.
Yunel Escobar – To the DL with an elbow injury. Bobby Cox just wishes he injured it on Kelly Johnson’s face.
Brett Cecil – 3 IP, 4 ER which was followed by Kyle Drabek’s 2 IP, 6 ER as unrealized potential met yet-to-be-unrealized potential.
Doug Fister – Will be pitching in relief of Scherzer on Wednesday rather than starting as the Tigers get ready for the playoffs. If Fister is the relief, I don’t even want to know what Scherzer translates to.
Randall Delgado – 5 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 1 K. Freakin’ Braves with all the sexy young pitching, huh? Freakin’ Braves. I love them. Beachy, Minor, Delgado, Vizcaino, all of them. Now I know how Bill James feels when looking at Chris Davis. Shoot that poisoned arrow through my heart, Braves pitching staff minus Jurrjens, Lowe and anyone else I’m forgetting that I don’t like!
Alex Gonzalez – 2-for-3 with his 15th homer, then left with a foot injury. Comes a bad time because he was putting the coals in the fire, which isn’t an expression but should be.
Jason Heyward – 1-for-3 with a steal. 5 for his last 10 with a homer while batting in the 8 hole. Maybe he just needed to be in the 8 hole to be comfortable, or maybe he’s just really too good to be batting in the 8 hole. Hmm, wonder which one it is.
Pablo Sandoval – Hasn’t been able to bat right-handed because of a shoulder injury and might have offseason surgery to correct the issue. Or that’s a cover for Lap-Band.
Ben Zobrist – Returns to the lineup on Wednesday after taking time off for the birth of his daughter. No word on how many positions Mrs. Zobrist utilized for the birth, but – based on her profession – I’m guessing missionary on the conception.
Wade Davis – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER. Too bad he doesn’t play for the Jays, he could’ve relieved Drabek with his potentially-yet-to-be-unrealized-potential-that-might-not-be-potential-anymore potential.
Manny Ramirez – It’s being reported he’s going to play in the Dominican Winter League. He’s hoping to meet up with Miguel Tejada down there to reminisce about the salad days of the 90s. Maybe even start up a band, Man-Ram and the B-12 with their lead single, “Just Give Me A Shot (Of Your Sweet Sweet Estrogen Therapy).”
Adam Dunn – 2-for-6 as he doubled his season hit total. No, wait, he doubled twice. Sorry, honest mistake.
Dylan Axelford – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners, 3 Ks. He was coming off a decent start vs. the Tigers but you shouldn’t have went anywhere near him for this start. Though I can understand how you could get seduced by his conglomeration of cool names.
Bud Norris – Left his start with a sore shoulder. He’s done for the year. Or as they say in Spanish ‘ano completo.’
Kyle Blanks – Left the game with a right quad strain. Seventeen men helped him off the field.
Jason Kipnis – 2-for-4 with a steal in the first game, and didn’t start the 2nd game. He should’ve though because he’s seeing the ball well. He’s hit in every game he’s started but three since August 1st. (Sure, he’s missed about 20 games in there, but whatevs.)
Alex Liddi – His 2nd game in a row with a homer. In broken English, he told reporters, “I drink your pizza! I drink it up!”
Tom Milone – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 2 Ks. Second start solid start for Milone. He looks to be in the Slowey mold back before Slowey got screws put in his wrist and then put the screws to his fantasy owners. Once upon a midnight dweawy, Slowey pondewed weak and weawy what could’ve been. I still wouldn’t trust Milone if he gets one more start, but he’s now on the radar for deeper leagues in Twenty-Twelve. Or as I’m gonna call it twelve past twenty.
Ross Detwiler – 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks. Phils are in serious coast mode.
Danny Espinosa – 3-for-4 with his 20th homer. You’re probably thinking to yourself, I don’t have the profiteroles to go with the cannoli to like Espinosa again next year. You, sir, don’t know my pastry prowess.
Erik Bedard – 2 2/3 IP, 1 ER (3 unearned). Of course the Sawx want to get to the playoffs, but has anyone seen their last four starters? Wakefield, Weiland, Lackey, Bedard… So, they gonna pitch Lester and Beckett on one day rest throughout the playoffs?
Clay Buchholz – Threw a simulated game. Unfortunately, he gave up 7 runs, but the 1976 Cincinnati Reds are a tough Strat-o-Matic matchup. Damn you, George Foster!
This year Doug Fister has been a revelation like a Dorito in the shape of the Virgin Mary telling you it’s time to change your underwear. Mystically, making something out of nothing and turning it into a little something-something. 13 strikeouts yesterday?! Doode has never struck out more than 6 prior to this year. I never thought I’d say this, but I really like Fister and it hurts so good. Sure, I’m pretty easy. Strikeout some guys and I get all googly-eyed, but he now has a 2.64 ERA on the Tigers and a 3.17 ERA on the year with a 1.14 WHIP. Fister?! I hardly knew her! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Carlos Beltran – Missed yesterday’s game with food poisoning. You can call him Upchuck Beltran.
Dexter Fowler – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and 2 homers. Now has four homers in the past week. Pick him up in all leagues. For a while I’ve been saying he’s capable of being a poor man’s Shane Victorino. You know, Feign Victorino. So the power isn’t totally coming out of left field, um, center field.
Mike Stanton – Missed yesterday’s game and could miss several more. I’m pouring some of my forty out for you.
Jair Jurrjens – Will be out at least two more weeks. If you don’t have the DL room, wash that Jurrjens right outta your team.
Brian Dinkelman – 3-for-7 as he was recalled and started in both games of the doubleheader. Take that, Ryan Seacrest!
Sergio Santos – In first game of the doubleheader, he didn’t start the ninth in a save situation then came on, gave up a run and was pulled for Chris Sale. Santos is the closer still, but Ozzie’s been known to flip the script on sanity occasionally.
Zach Stewart – 9 IP, 0 ER, 1 Hit, 0 Walks, 9 Ks. Brilliant start, obviously, but in his last game vs. the Twins he gave up 6 earned in 4 2/3 innings and that’s just as likely to happen again next time. Too late in the year to trust a rookie pitcher. BTW, in Chicago, Zach Stewart’s fans should dress up like bears and they can be known as the Stewart root bears.
Jason Bay – 2-for-4 with a homer. I feel dirty even saying this, but he has two homers in the last three games. He’s obviously not a spectacular option, but he might be okay for a week or so.
Grady Sizemore – 0-for-4 as he returned from the DL and hit leadoff. Just in time for the Indians to pretend they still have hope for the playoffs. Crazy the only real race in baseball is the Rangers and Angels and I don’t really buy the Bobby Grichville Angels have much of a shot for the playoffs. Maybe Selig will cook up some new crackpot way to get more playoff races. Bud Selig, “We’re gonna have a Wilder Card team next year and that team will play the All-Star game winner and then the winner of that will be an automatic World Series team. Yes, that could mean the National League All-Star team might play the Brewers in the World Series, which will mean Prince Fielder’s on both teams. It’ll mean ratings. Die, football, die! My toupee will now take questions.”
Henderson Alvarez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks. He’s been solid in three of his last four starts, but with H2H playoffs and roto championships on the line, I wouldn’t risk it with Alvarez this year. Of course it depends on how much risk you need to take on.
Brett Lawrie – 1-for-3 with a steal and a walk-off homer. Desmond Jennings who? OH, NO, YOU DIDN’T. I did, Al Caps. NO, YOU DIDN’T. I did. DAMN.
Tim Stauffer – 6 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 1 K. He totally roped me in again. I saw Petco and the weak Giants lineup and I gave him another whirl and he defecated on my teams. He’s probably just tired, but if he can’t be counted on in Petco vs. the Giants he’s so done.
Billy Butler – Yesterday, he hit two homers. One for each of his oversized areolas.
John Axford – Threw a clean inning for his 41st save. Now has a 2.23 ERA, 1.21 WHIP and 75 Ks in 64 2/3 innings. His face is a bit too over-adorned with a soul patch, but he’s having a great season. Too bad he’ll probably end up being drafted too high next year.
Robert Andino – 2-for-5 with his 3rd homer. After his big game, he posed for his CBS profile pic.
Mark Reynolds – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 32nd homer and 6th steal for the slam & legs. It’s been almost 10 days since the last time I said if only he’d hit .260. If only he’d hit .260…
Erik Bedard – Next start is getting skipped because he’s Erik Bedard and he’s never healthy.
Josh Beckett – Left yesterday’s game with a sprained ankle. His next start will probably be pushed back a few days as a precaution. Or maybe they’ll just wrap it in police caution tape.
Bobby Jenks – After undergoing a colonoscopy, Jenks has been ruled done for the year. The colonoscopy camera has been ruled done forever.
Mike Morse – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 25th and 26th home runs. Slash slash dot dot.
Derrek Lee – 1-for-3 with a homer. Is now 7 for his last 12 with two homers. On Friday, someone in our fantasy sports forums asked who to drop between someone, someone, someone and Lee. I told them to lose Lee. I’m sorry, friend. DL’s return from the DL has been bombastic, very fantastic.
Ubaldo Jimenez – 7 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks. Looks like he’s fixed whatever problem was bothering him… Actually, I’m not sure that’s the case, but it seems that way.
Madison Bumgarner – 8 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 13 Ks. How about You Can’t Get More Than Two In On This Bumgarner? How about that name, ‘son?
Pablo Sandoval – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and 2 homers. Elias Sports Bureau reported that with Butler and Sandoval’s 4 combined homers, there was more home run trot moob jiggling yesterday than ever in the history of baseball.
Scott Sizemore – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer in 3 games. At least one Sizemore is performing this year. If you need a middle infidel with some pop, I’d go with Sizemore.
James Shields – 9 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 KS. Here’s a riddle for you: What do James Shields and George W. Bush have in common? If you answered, they both hit rock bottom when they were criticized by Kanye, you’re wrong, but I appreciate you trying.
Evan Longoria – 1-for-2 with his 25th homer and 2nd steal for the slam & legs, which is also a special at a Tampa area strip club. Longoria’s hitting .236 on the year, which is because of a ridiculous amount of bad luck. I’ll take him in the 2nd round of next year’s drafts without thinking twice about it.
Carlos Marmol – Threw a perfect inning for the save yesterday. Cubs say we are (not) Marshall.
Mark Trumbo – 2-for-4 with his 2nd homer in three games. He’s having a great year (26 homers, 8 steals). No doubt, Stefani. But his OBP is .297. Um, burp?
Dellin Betances – Yankees are considering bringing up their best pitching prospect for the stretch run as a bullpen arm. See Joba and Hughes for how I feel about Yankee pitching prospects, i.e. more hype than they’re worth. Stephen went over his Dellin Betances fantasy not that long ago. He wrote it while setting fire to a picture of me.
Jesus Montero – 2-for-3 with his first 2 major league homers. The lucky fan who caught Jesus’s first homer returned it in exchange for a piece of the Shroud of Turin.
