Fantasy Baseball Advice

I’m beginning to think with Billy Beane that the emperor’s wearing no clothes.  Moneyball is still a great book, Joe Morgan is still a moron and Chad Bradford is still an underhander.  Those things are true.  But the A’s were 4th in the Majors last year in steals — what happened to steals cost outs?  Not to mention, Beane’s team hasn’t been competitive in three seasons.  Was Moneyball just a symptom of the era?  Was it simply fortuitous that Beane’s coronation came during the era of the three run homer?  Was Moneyball a by-product of steroids?  Would Moneyball be written today?  Hard to imagine Michael Lewis sitting down with a GM of a sub-.500 club and polishing his pedestal, right?  And none of this has to do with fantasy baseball or Ben Sheets.  (I wrote the preceding the other day, then right before I posted this I saw Sky Andrecheck wrote an SI piece in the similar ballpark.  Literally.)

If Sheets can stay healthy, he’s liable to return more than his ADP.  That “if” is ginormous.  That “if” sits next to you on a plane and you can’t put down the armrest.  You show up at a party of 500 Tongans and that “if” is the second biggest thing in the room after the buffet table.  You hook up with that “if” at a bar and people will think you’re beer goggling.  Okay, I think I made my point.  The other issue with Sheets is his falling K-rate.  Back in 2005, if Sheets was healthy, he was a Cy Young-type performer.  Regularly posting 200+ Ks and next to no walks. (Sounds a bit like Nolasco now.)  But lately Sheets hasn’t come near these numbers when healthy.  In 2007, he started 24 games and had a K-rate of 6.75.  That would’ve put him on par with Jason Hammel last year.  He also gained a walk per nine on his walk rate.  In 2008, Sheets had a 7.17 K/9.  Better, but that would’ve had him on par with Zito.  The days of the 9+ K/9 and sub-3 ERA are over.  He’s only a number 3 fantasy starter if he can start 30 games.  It’s okay, but not worth the ulcer when considering his health.  Anyway, here’s some more deals and signings since the last time we checked in and what they mean for fantasy baseball:

Octavio Dotel – Signed on to be the Pirates closer.  Bummer.  Was hoping to see Joel Hanrahanananan and Brendan Donnelly battle it out.  Would’ve been like a match between Steve Lombardi and Salvatore Bellomo.  I will own Dotel on multiple teams.  He’s a K machine (regularly 10+ K/9) and he has no competition even if he falters. With The Dread Pirate, Robot Jones and Dotel, I’m going to be watching a lot of Pirate games this year.  Pray for me.

Xavier Nady – Signed with the Cubs. What a long strange trip it’s been for Nady. Goes from Tommy John surgery to being a fourth outfielder that can’t catch a break to putting up a career year to having his second Tommy John surgery and returning to fourth outfielder duty.  Nady will need Soriano to hop onto the DL to have any real value.

Miguel Tejada – Signs with the Orioles.  In the top 20 shortstops for 2010 fantasy baseball, I gave Tejada projections of 70/15/85/.295/4.  In Houston, he hit second and fifth, helping balance his Runs and RBIs.  Now he’ll probably bat primarily fifth.  So if you want to argue Tejada’s Runs will decrease slightly and his RBIs will go up a tick, go for it.  But remember you’re arguing about an average at best, 35 year old shortstop.

Jon Garland – Signs with the Padres, or as I like to call them, The Team With Five Number Five Starters.  Garland can be a solid HodgePadre during the season.  But it’s hard to draft a HodgePadre, especially one with no Ks.  First long road trip and you wanna drop him.  I would slot him in as my 5th starter in NL-Only leagues.

Rick Ankiel – Signs with the peasant Royals.  For s’s and g’s, I went to look at Baseball-Reference’s most comparable players to Ankiel. Came back with Pedro Feliz.  Sounds about right.  Both are good for 20 homers and a .250 average.  Feliz at least has position eligibility going for him in fantasy baseball.  Ankiel’s a good story (minus that HGH story), but he’s not worth much outside of AL-Only leagues.

Randy Winn – Signed with the Yanks.  This signing for fantasy baseball has all the makings of a headache for yours truly.  No one wants to own Winn, but now that he’s on the Yanks he’ll be at the top of waiver wires all year, so I’m going to field six months of “Hey, Grey, Winn’s available, should I pick him up?”  On the bright side for schadenfreude purposes, this is a bigger headache for Brett Gardner.  As Nelson would say, “Ha-HA!”

Jim Thome – Signs with the Twins.  It’s his 3rd AL Central team.  Dayton Moore must be pissed he spent all his milk money on Podsednik and Ankiel.  Twin fans have been waiting for another Harmon Killebrew for 30 years.  In Thome, they found one, albeit closer to Killebrew today vs. during his career.  Thome could hit 30 homers with a full season of DH ABs, but the Twins have Mauer, Kubel and Cuddyer that could also take some ABs away.  I’d conservatively project Thome for 60/22/75/.240.

Chris Davis was sent to the minors last night to make room for Josh Hamilton.  In the preseason, Bill James’s projections for Chris Davis were 107/40/118/.302/8.  I thought that was a tad optimistic.  And “tad optimistic” there is like saying, “Hey, this Ben Affleck movie might be okay.”  Those predictions and the proceeding hype sent Davis’s ADP through the roof.  To the point where I decided to punt 3rd base in all of my drafts and take Mark Reynolds.  I went over why in this preseason post.  Now I’m not saying I wasn’t at fault either.  Back in December, I said Davis was a sleeper when he was going after Zimmerman, Huff and Atkins.  When the hype picked up, I backed off.  Though I did give Davis pretty generous preseason numbers too at 75/30/95/.275/3.  But I have a fantasy baseball blog; I’m not Bill James.  I think someone should ping Bill James (the kids say ping, ask one what it means) and say, “Hey, Bill, big fan.  Lots of great stuff through the years.  Sorry to ping you this late, but a few quick rhetorical questions.  Chris Davis?  Seriously?  Did you not follow the ruler across the paper correctly on Pujols’s name?”  In the Better News Dept., David Murphy should get more time now that Davis is gone as Blalock moves to first.  Though I’m not sure how long Blalock can stay healthy playing that demanding of a position.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Psyche! Before we get into today’s roundup, I just wanted to say we have an announcement coming later in the 2nd post of the day.  Around 11:30 AM PST.  Make sure to check back later.  Some of you might enjoy it.  While others may say, “Meh.”  Okay, now for the roundup:

Scott Hairston – Traded to the A’s.  Not sure there could be more of a lateral movement for Hairston’s value.  Unless you’re in an NL-Only league and you lose his services to the best available option off waivers.  Then again, maybe that’s lateral too. The Padres got Craig Italiano — I hear he makes a great chicken parm — and Ryan Webb, no relation to Brandon.  If you’re not following, the Padres traded away their number three hitter for the stuff you find under your couch.

Will Venable – Will see more ABs with Hairston out of town.  This could actually hurt Venable’s value.

Kyle Blanks – Rudy Gamble’s brother from the same mother could also see more time.  Be nice to see The Pillsbury Fro Boy do something other than strikeout.  As far as his fantasy value, we already filled in the *pinkie to mouth* Blanks.

Scott Downs – Should be back any day now.  As always, I’d hold Frasor for the time being until Downs has shown he’s healthy.

Chien-Ming Wang - Something’s Wang.  Hehe.  Hit the DL.  Peace out, Wang.  Don’t let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya.

Ben Sheets – May not pitch this year.  No way!  C’mon!  Are you serious?  Crazy!

Dan Haren – 6 IP, 1 ER.  A good game and the Diamondbacks gave him runnage?  Wow.  Talk about a good day.  And I didn’t have any hodgepadres ruining my ERA yesterday.  Nice.

Joba Chamberlain – 3 2/3 IP, 3 ER and 8 unearned as he tied his owners to a WHIPing Post.  “Joba Rules” this year are a bunch of walks, unreliable from start to start no matter the matchup and unfulfilled promise.  Maybe that’s why he drinks and not, “Owen, you stupid poop!”

Ricky Nolasco – 8 IP, 0 ER, 12 Ks.  When I gave you the advice in mid-May to Buy Nolasco, I sure hope some of youse listened.

Derrek Lee – Another homer yesterday.  How dare you call me Lyle Overbay? But you kinda are just a rich man’s Lyle Overbay.  I’ll call you Thurston Overbay, the Third.

Jake Fox – HR yesterday.  Will be interesting to see how Sweet Lou flips the craft services table when Aramis returns today.

Randy Johnson – Left the game with a shoulder injury.  I foresee an abbreviated spring training comeback in 2010 and then he retires.

Rich Aurilla – HR yesterday.  I really thought he was retired.  I’m not even joking.  I’m not sure which is more despicable.  That Aurilla is holding the Giants hostage by not retiring or that the Giants don’t just release him.

Miguel Olivo – Hit his 13th homer.  Matt Wieters hit a homer too.  Natch!  Or is it reverse natch since I’m the one always cracking on his output?  Hmm… I got lost in my own natchs.

Grady Sizemore – 2 homers and one steal since his return as he bats .270.  Eh.

Cliff Lee – 6 IP, 3 ER.  Has a 3.45 ERA on the year.  That seems more in line with Lee than what we saw last year.

Gio Gonzalez – 6 IP, 2 ER. Doesn’t he sound like a haute couture jeans designer?  I wouldn’t bother with Gio Gonzalez in an 18-team league that only uses Oakland A’s players.

Adam Lind/Aaron Hill – Hit their 18th and 20th homers, respectively.  Lind bats .310 while Hill bats .299.  Still don’t see either as a sell high candidate, but that shizz is relative.  If you get the right deal, by all means.

Colby Rasmus – Hit his 10th homer as he bats .282.  Little late to the party now if you pick him up, but you could be doing a lot worst for your fourth or fifth outfielder.  I’m looking at you, Fred Lewis.

Chris Carpenter – 7 IP, 1 ER.  This is not to say Carp isn’t solid, but right now the Reds look like they’re facing the House Committee on Un-American Activities every time out.

Ross Ohlendorf – 5 IP, 5 ER.  Dorf!

Garrett Jones – Two Pirates mentioned in the same roundup.  Arghh, it’s raining doubloons!  Jones hit two homers in his last four games.  I don’t know where this schmohawk is headed, but right now he’s on one of my teams.  He may not last, but better to take the flier if you have room than to let someone else grab the hot rookie.  Remember, I gave you the same advice for The Dread Pirate about a month ago.  I’m still rocking him on one team. (He stole his 6th base yesterday as he bats .300).

Brandon Morrow – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 Ks.  Finally, six innings!  I picked him up in a 12 team league last week, but haven’t start him yet.  I’ll start him now.

Martin Prado – 4-for-4 as he starts every day.  If you owned Kelly Johnson, then I’m sure the Cox yanking was suprisingly unpleasant, but Prado can ease your pain.

Derek Lowe – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER.  Right now, he’s alternating between decent start and terrible.  Luckily, he gets the Rockies in Colorado next time out, so that’s an easy call to sit him.  Hopefully he’s back to a reliable starter after the ASB.

Jimmy Rollins – HR yesterday and is 7 for his last 15.  If he hits .400 over the next month, you’ll be glad you remained patient.

Joe Blanton – 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 Ks.  He gets Pittsburgh next.  All aboard!

Nick Blackburn – 9 IP, 1 ER, 6 Ks.  With a name only one letter off from a porn star with chlamydia, it’s easy to stay away, right?  I look at it this way.  There’s so many pitchers each week that are potential spot starters, even in deep leagues, that I just don’t want any part of a guy that has 51 Ks in just over 116 innings.

Casey McGehee – 3-for-4 yesterday.  On Saturday, he went 4-for-5 with a homer.  Okay, this is the last I’m mentioning him.  Fo realz.

Vladimir Guerrero – Two days, two homers.  Was he prematurely shipped off to the glue factory?  I don’t think so.  I’d still be looking to sell him.  Now you might actually find someone who believes he still has some giddy-up left.  In related news, Brian Roberts still has twice as many homers as Vlad the ‘97 Impala.

Howie Kendrick – Recalled and stole a base yesterday.  Here’s what I said two weeks before Kendrick was sent down to the minors, “What do the Angels do with a 2nd baseman who has 18 homers in 179 ABs in Triple-A?  Promote him and demote Howie Kendrick?  Or do the Angels promote Rodriguez, demote Kendrick, wait two weeks until Kendrick starts hitting in the Coors-like PCL and then promote Kendrick right back and demote Rodriguez again like they’ve been doing with Brandon Wood for the last three years?”  And that’s me blowing your mind!  Let me answer 15 comments right off the bat — Beckham, McGehee, Prado, Everth then Kendrick, in that order.

Andre Ethier – HR yesterday.  See, preggers Manny doesn’t even need to be in the lineup for Ethier to start hitting.  I’m half-joking.  This year Ethier’s been better in the power department than I thought he’d be, but I don’t buy that he’s suddenly going to be the .400 hitter we saw in the 2nd half last year just because Manny’s back.

Mark Reynolds – HR yesterday.  What else is new?  If any of you are fifteen-years-old, don’t vote for him for the All-Star Game.  We want him to be mad in the 2nd half.  Adrian slept with Clubber mad.  Eye of the Tiger!  Oh, and if you’re fifteen, don’t listen to your parents.  You won’t need geometry.  Though you may need to know how to say, “I don’t know how a dead prostitute got in my bed,” in Spanish.

In our seemingly interminable lists of 2009 fantasy baseball rankings, we’re covering the last of the top 40 starters for 2009 fantasy baseball.  ¡Muy excitemento!  The other day we did the top 20 starters for 2009.  Check them out, you know you wanna.  This list could go another sixty deep and maybe I’ll go through the next sixty without all the hazarai.  I talked about how I don’t draft many guys from the very top starters, instead I wait.  Well, the starters on this list are the ones I choose from.  I wouldn’t mind Vazquez, Cain and Wainwright on my fantasy team.  Or Garza, Weaver and Young.  Or… Well, you get the picture.  I like just about all of the guys on the bottom of this top 40 list.  For a more general idea of where people are falling, look at this 2009 Fantasy Baseball Player Rater.  Also, to help with drafting, here’s a list of players with multiple position eligibility.  Or read how previous year’s pitch counts make for risky pitchers.  Anyway, here’s the rest of the top 40 starters for 2009 fantasy baseball:

21. Felix Hernandez – This is a new tier. This tier goes from here to Joba.  I like to call this tier, “Guys I’m Kinda Gay For.”  If I could have a 12-team staff of F-Her, Liriano and Wainwright in every league, I’d take it.  How’s dem apples?  Delicious!  You know what’s weird about Felix Hernandez?  He’s like twelve.  Still.  He has to be the oldest 22 year old ever.  If you told me he had grandkids, I wouldn’t blink an eye.  I still love him.  2009 Projections:  13-9/3.85/1.33/190

22. Francisco Liriano – Now’s the season to get on the Liriano train.  Next stop, Fantasy Worth.  As the case is with Frank Jobe surgery, it usually takes a year of pitching to get back up to speed.  The year’s up, snitches!  To paraphrase Fiddy, “Get Liriano or Die Tryin’.”  2009 Projections:  11-5/3.25/1.25/160

23. Adam Wainwright – It’s no shock to those who have read Razzball for longer than a millisecond — Ooh, so I, like, just found Razzball from doing a Google search and, like, hey, glad to be here. Thanks, random italicized voice. — that Wainwright is higher on my list than on some ‘perts’ lists.  I’ve been a fan of Wainwright even when he Wentwrong last year.  I should’ve known after the bullpen experiment in ‘06 that he’d breakdown in ‘08 in unforeseen ways.  Live and learn, dawg.  Live and… You finish it.  2009 Projections:  13-7/3.60/1.20/150

24. Joba Chamberlain – Member in 1987 when everyone wanted to lay on the hood of that Jaguar with Tawny Kitaen?  Joba’s Tawny Kitaen.  2009 Projections:  12-3/3.00/1.18/130 in 20 starts.

25. Ricky Nolasco – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here to Bedard.  I call this tier, “Um, Reservations.”  This tier is a group of guys I’d draft but I’m not as excited about these guys within this list’s contexts.  If Joba’s Tawny Kitaen on Whitesnake’s car, Nolasco’s Tawny Kitaen beating up Chuck Finley.  That’s not quite the compliment that it sounds like.  2009 Projections:  11-8/4.00/1.15/160 in 25 starts.

26. A.J. Burnett – Before everyone has a conniption about how low I ranked Burnett, let’s look at a few things.  A) He had a healthy year in 2008, where he pitched over 200 innings and he came in only 24th on the top starters of 2008.  B) He’s never pitched 200 innings in back-to-back seasons.  C) There is no C.  Deal with it.  2009 Projections:  13-9/4.15/1.30/140 in 20 starts.

27. Jon Lester – His WHIP scares me.  His lack of Ks scares me even more.  He cut his walks in 2008, which is a solid sign.  I’m just not sure if 2008 was something concocted for Lester by Make-A-Wish or if he’s the real deal.  2009 Projections:  15-7/4.00/1.30/150

28. Ben Sheets – (UPDATE: With elbow surgery in Sheets’s immediate future, punt.) For a long time I’ve stated that if Sheets can stay healthy, he’ll win a Cy Young.  Frankly, I don’t think that’s true anymore.  His K/9 wasn’t that great over a full season last year and he left quite a few on base.  Then you throw in his injury history and he’s not really worth the headache.  2009 Projections:  10-4/3.50/1.17/140 in 20 starts

29. Chien-Ming Wang – All he does is win games!  No, seriously, that’s all he does.  In addition to the All-Star Break Home Run Derby, MLB should have a strikeout contest where a non-strikeout pitcher faces off against a strikeout hitter.  Like you wouldn’t watch Chien-Ming Wang face off against Mark Reynolds.  May the slightly more fit survive!  2009 Projections:  17-7/4.00/1.30/120

30. Aaron Harang – I blame Dusty.  Dusty ruins careers.  Ask Prior.  Ask Wood.  Ask Dusty Jr.  Go ahead, be the bat boy in the World Series and trip players. Harang was going along nicely with a mid-3 ERA until the relief appearance on May 25th when he blew away nine hitters in 4 innings.  You know what Harang did for a few months after that?  You know exactly if you owned him.  He shit your fantasy house for three months.  Then had an ERA of 3.07 in September.  Cust kayin’.  2009 Projections:  12-9/4.00/1.25/155

31. Erik Bedard – I do think he could jump into the top 10 if he stays healthy, but that “if” seems Milky Way Galaxy-sized.  2009 Projections:  9-6/3.35/1.15/140 in 20 starts

32. Matt Cain – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here to the end of this list.  I call this tier, “I’m targeting these guys, boi!”  This might sound crazy to you but Cain could out pitch Lincecum in 2009.  Or they both could meet somewhere in the middle.  A very solid, productive middle.  2009 Projections:  14-10/3.35/1.26/200

33. Yovani Gallardo – His injury shouldn’t stop him from being productive in 2009.  The only thing that makes me reluctant to rank him higher is all the time he missed in 2008.  2009 Projections:  12-6/3.50/1.25/150 in 170 IP.  If he can go more, the numbers get more delicious.

34. Javier Vazquez -  When Vazquez was traded to the Braves, I went over Vazquez for 2009.   The abridged version of that post is, “Besides having a last name that would be great for Scrabble, I like him.”  2009 Projections:  15-8/4.15/1.25/200

35. David Price – I like Price, too.  I do, boo.  I just think the Rays are going to play it smart and rest him here and there, bump him here and there, and sit him late in the season.  So he might only get about 140 innings.  He can be valuable, but I’d keep expectations in check.  2009 Projections:  10-4/3.50/1.10/120 in 20 starts.

36. Max Scherzer – I went over this shizz in a Scherzer keeper post-a-ma-thing-a-ma-jiggy-wit-it.  Fact or fiction, I’m going to take a flier on Jobacum in some leagues no matter what the Baby Backs say his role will be in the spring.  Fact!  2009 Projections:  9-3/3.25/1.20/100 in 15 starts

37. Jered Weaver – Ryan Dempster was originally ranked here, but I removed him for Weaver.  I imagine the only people who will have a serious problem with this will be Cubs fans and we all know they’re not at all vocal.  2009 Projections:  14-9/3.75/1.25/160

38. Matt Garza – What if I told you Garza could have an ERA below 3.50, would that be something you’d be interested in?  2009 Projections:  14-10/3.50/1.25/140

39.  Josh Johnson – Momma Grey once said, “When in doubt, go for a nice K rate.”  Johnson’s only this low because of the injury history.  2009 Projections:  13-6/3.75/1.32/140

40. Johnny Cueto – I ended the top 20 with Edinson/Edison/Julio Volquez and I’ll end this list with Cueto.  Cueto’s entire 2008 was to guile your dopey ass into forgetting about him in 2009.  Don’t fall for it.  He’s the mothereffin’ butterfly and he just flapped his wings in Indochina.  2009 Projections:  14-10/3.75/1.25/165 (<–optimistic, but whatevs)

After the top 40 starters for 2009 fantasy baseball, there’s lots of guys, but these four stand out:

Chris Young – After going so downbeat at the end of the top 20 starters post, I felt the need to end upbeat on this one.  So these four guys I’m all cheery on.  Young was covered already in a 2009 fantasy sleeper post.  2009 Projections:  11-7/3.50/1.22/160

Brandon Morrow – As long as he comes at a decent price.  Please don’t go after him too early.  He still could end up the closer of the M’s and let’s not forget it’s the M’s.  How many games do you think he’s going to win?  8?  9?  2009 Projections:  8-4/3.45/1.20/120 in 20 starts.

Kevin Slowey/John Danks – So many pitchers, so little room.  I almost listed Greinke/Myers here instead.  I imagine the only people who will have a serious problem with their absence will be crazy wife beaters.  2009 Slowey Projections:  14-10/3.90/1.17/130  2009 Danks Projections:  14-10/3.90/1.28/160

Ervin Santana – ERVIN SANTANA INJURY UPDATE.  2009 Projections:  11-6/3.75/1.20/125 in 20 starts

With visions of a goat, Bartman and a fat man, the Cubs traded for Rich Harden. The Cubs are so my neighbor that bought a Prius after I bought my Saab. Seriously, Cubbies, why don’t you build a bigger extension onto the side of your house too? Then when I have a Fourth of July party, I can urinate in your tomatoes. Wait, what was I saying? Oh, yeah, Rich Harden! Harden’s never pitched 200 IP in a season. He came close four years ago with 189.2. Since then Harden’s innings pitched look like this: 128, 46.2, 25.2 and 77 thus far this year. I guess it’s a good sign that he got over that 46.2 hump. If the Cubs plan to play late into October, then he’ll be way over 200. From a fantasy baseball prospective, this all means little. Harden goes to a less-friendly park, but a new league that isn’t familiar with him. That’s a push. His stuff is certifiably nasty, but he still can hurt himself sneezing. You know what Harden is? He’s untradeable. I just wrote this last Friday when I said Harden was a Sell, “Not sure who you’re selling (Harden) to…” The Cubs, I suppose. How do the Cubs make this move? They traded for a guy my 12 year old cousin, Little Stevie, wouldn’t touch and Aunt Caroline used to drink while pregnant with him! I like Gaudin and Gallagher better and I will be bidding a few dollars on them in deep leagues. I even like Murton better. If the Cubs waited two weeks to make this trade, it probably wouldn’t have happened because Harden will probably be on the DL. I’m going to make a prediction, Harden hits the DL and the Cubs end up slotting in Gaudin who turns into a quality pitcher and ends up starting in the playoffs. Anyway, here’s what I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Ben Sheets/CC Sabathia – Now that the Cubs can match their frail righty (Harden) and tubby flamethrower (Zambrano), will the Cardinals ask the Yanks for Ponson back to team up with Carpenter later this year?

Bobby Jenks – Hater Bell was mystified last week when Karabell told everyone (who pays for ESPN’s Hindsighter™) to bank on Jenks. Jenks has been reporting back pain for over a week. Linebrink (or Thornton or Dotel) will step in and get some saves. This didn’t seem like rocket science to me, but maybe it was for Karabell. Now Jenks heads to the DL. Well, dur.

Miguel Cabrera – 2 HRs yesterday. In three years, you’ll be telling someone about how Cabrera wasn’t good for you back in ‘08 and they’ll look at his stats and say, “Nuh-uh.” And then you’ll say, “Didn’t the Martians say we couldn’t use the phrase, ‘Nuh-uh? Busted!’”

Mike Pelfrey – Another quality start (7 IP, 3H, no ER).  Granted, it was against the Giants, but still…. Actually, I’m still not buying into Pelfrey.

Mike Aviles – 4-for-7 or as I like to say, “Khalil Greene has only had two 3 hit nights all year.” What I also could’ve said, “Greene is 3-for-22 in July.” Which means, “I hate Tulo for making me play Greene in a deep league.”

Aubrey Huff/Joe Crede – How do these guys have 34 HRs between them (18 for Huff, 16 for Crede)?  Those would’ve been our over/unders for their full season totals.  Maybe ex-Devil Ray Huff is getting some of the good fortune befitting his old team.  Wait…Jorge Cantu is having a hell of a season.  How come Delmon hasn’t gotten the memo?  As for Crede, we give up.  He’s like the younger Mike Lowell.  He can hit .250 or .300.  15 HR or 35 HR.  Play 150 games.  Play 60 games.  Nothing surprises anymore.  Hear that.  You can’t surprise us any more.

Randy Wolf – Another quality Petco start with 7 IP of 1 ER ball.  He’s like a wolf when he pitches at home and like Randy Wolf when he pitches away.

Alexis Rios – I missed the Jays last night because I was watching “I Love Money.” (Bee tee dubya, it’s a new reality show high. They’ve brought back 15 of the “best” reality show contestants who were looking for money while they were supposedly looking for love. Only now they are being open about it being all for money, but it looks like some inadverently fall in love. However, the first time it was obvious they were only interested in money and some fell in love anyway. It’s like a Möbius strip of nonsense. But I digress.) So all I saw of the Jays was this scroll, “Rios scored the game-winning run in the bottom of the ninth…” I was like, “Aw, sookie. Triple, Double? Single?” It was a walk.

Jair Jurrjens – 6 IP, 6 Ks, 1 ER, the win and the saving grace for the proud people of Curaçao.

Brian McCann/Geovany Soto – They are having nearly identical seasons. Brianvany SotoCann should totally switch Varsity jackets and see if their dates notice.

Dustin McGowan – I warned people about McGowan’s overuse last season. Yesterday, he exited early for an MRI. Quick math problem: An MRI + Overuse = 15-day DL that gets extended to 30 days.

Chase Headley – 24 Ks/0 walks. He’s really not much better than Bruce, it just seems it because it’s a little less feast or famine (which is, like, soooooo American of you to like Headley more. It’s the middle class.)

Ryan Dempster/Justin Duchscherer – 16 IP, 4 hits allowed and 1 ER. Combined. If you made us GM for a year, we’d turn all the relievers into starters.  Except Gagne.  We’d turn him into a team mascot like the Quazy Quebecois.

Aaron Harang – Fuck you.

A few innings before Felix Hernandez was spiked pretty bad by Ricky from My So Called Life, he hit a grand slam off Johan Santana. (Grey, insert profound comment on how you can be on top of the world one moment and the next moment you’re limping off the field. Also lookup “profound” so you know what it means. –Rudy) The spiking looked like he also hurt his ankle, twisting it. I’d be very surprised if Hernandez avoids the DL. When Felix tried to take a warm up pitch after the incident, he nearly collapsed, then was helped off the field. Tough break for Felix Hernandez and his owners. I’d hope for only a 15-DL stint, I’d expect more. Also, prior to complaining, just think of the Mariners fans who now have no reason to watch any game. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Brandon Morrow – Will supposedly be available tomorrow. Yesterday Arthur Rhodes got the save. Don’t run out and sign Rhodes. Tomorrow’s Morrow. I love ya…nah, he isn’t worth quoting Annie.

Jeff Clement – (Another Mariners blurp! This is the biggest day in Seattle news since Stephen slapped Irene.) Stayed in really well against Johan. Not an easy task for a lefty. Almost had a double down the 1st base line, but he was robbed by Carlos Delgado.

J.J. Putz – (4 Mariners items! Can you tell it was a slow day in fantasy baseball?) It was announced that Putz would be back sometime in late July. Prediction, he’ll return to pitch poorly then he’ll complain of soreness and the Mariners, hoping he can come back in ‘09, will DL him for the remainder of the year.

Jo-Jo Reyes – Bobby Cox gave Jo-Jo a quick hook in the 3rd inning, perhaps suffering from bad flashbacks of Horacio Ramirez or the Alamo. As I mentioned yesterday about fifth starters, sometimes you gotta take some lumps. Also, Prince Fielder nearly went deep, which, obviously, would’ve made this much worse.

Ben Sheets – Threw his third complete game of the season. It’s as if the Brewers think that he’s predestined to be hurt by a certain date so they want to get everything they can get out of him before it happens. “Ben Sheets has only 6 more weeks to pitch.  Let’s make it count!”

Mike Cameron – I just traded him away, so of course he hit a home run yesterday.

Adam Dunn – Call it a hunch, but never underestimate the will of a player going against the team that traded him or, in this case, a GM who crapped all over him on local radio. Dunn’s about to go country crazy!

Eric Byrnes – Prior to the Red Sox game, the Diamondbacks activated Eric Byrnes from the DL.  This entailed letting him out of his body splint and dog cone that prevented Byrnes from reinjuring himself.  After 30 minutes of stop-and-start sprints and pats on the heads from teammates, he was ready to go.

Dan Haren – Meet the best pitcher (at least so far) for the Diamondbacks.  3 base runners in 7 IP now moves his ERA below 3.00 and his WHIP below 1.00.  We’ll see if Webb regains his throne by overcoming the dead arm and having his typically strong 2nd half or if Haren just has his normal subpar 2nd half.

Emmanuel Burriss – With Omar Vizquel hitting .171, there are reports out of the Bay Area that Burriss might take the starting job.  Mr. and Mrs. Poppadopolous are going to be so proud. Burriss is really fast so maybe he could deliver what Eugenio Velez promised this spring. Or not. You make the call!