Fantasy Baseball Advice

Master Standings are here.

The tight battle continues at the top of the standings, with 6 teams totaling 105 or more points. The Pesky Pole Dancers (Trippin’ Baseballs) held on to first place, gaining 3 points to 112. The Dancers made 2 moves, replacing Jose Tabata and Ike Davis with Jason Kubel and Cory Luebke.  Luebke was added in most leagues, and provided 6 scoreless innings and a win. He is currently owned in 31 of the 38 RCLs.

Buchz and Dunn (Too Drunk To Call a Cabrera) jumped 4 points to 110, and moved into second. Better Lucky Than Good (Partially Torn RCL) also gained 4, and now sits in 3rd place with 107 points. Random ItalicizedVoice (RCL 5), THE VILLE AL KOHOLIC A (ECFBL), That’s a shame (The Dread Pirate Rides Again), Buc Lover (Sonic Death Monkey), and Cooperstown SchMohawks (Slam and Legs Special) round out the teams that have at least 100 points.

Ham Porter (RCL 17) jumped from 57 points to 70, and moved up from 304th to 185th in the standings.

The ECFBL joins The Dread Pirate Rides Again and RCL 5 as the most competitive leagues with an index of 103.

In individual leagues, the average lead atop the standings is just under 10 points. There are 13 leagues where the lead is under 5, and 9 more under 10. There are 4 leagues where the lead is at least 20, with Buc Lover (Sonic Death Monkey) having the biggest lead at 26. In Razzy Number 13, there are 6 teams within 9 points of Casey Crotchman, who lead with 77 points.

Here are the category leaders (average) for the season:

Runs:  Pesky Pole Dancers (1st) 648 (515)
HR:  Lazy Sunday (26th) 173 (122)
RBI:  Bloomington Psychotoad (48th) 601 (493)
SB:  Team Musz (334th) 142 (89)
Ave:  Roid Rage (94th) .288 (.263)
K: Mister Met (268th) 899 (662)
Wins:  Baltimore Domination (67th) 72 (47)
Saves:  Better Lucky Than Good (3rd) 108 (49)
ERA:  Team ryanshea (91st) 2.70 (3.58)
WHIP: Broth’s Bombers (137th) 1.06 (1.23)

The strikeout leader, Mister Met (RCL 33) has used 163 of the 180 allowable pitching starts. Baltimore Domination (Matthew Berry is a Tool), the Wins leader, has 53 starts left.  The season is 52.7% complete, which would equate to around 95 starts used and 85 left. Currently, the team average is 104 starts used.

There was a big trade in the ECFBL Sunday. Evil Evies sent Justin Upton to Retro Vertigo for Albert Pujols and Daniel Hudson. With rumors that Pujols will return today, this could turn out to be a major coup for the Evies. In all, there were 8 trades in the past week, including Shane Victorino for Cole Hamels, Carlos Pena for Heath Bell, and Zack Greinke for Jaime Garcia.

Jose Reyes – He was the 3rd SS taken in most drafts, but he has been 1 of the top fantasy performers. In the RCLs his ADP was 28.6. Irish Whiskey (RCL 5) took him the earliest, at number 18. LOBSTER COLA (Razzbawl 36) was lucky enough to get him with the 40th pick. He is currently hitting .354 with 30 steals. He has 3 home runs and 32 RBI with 65 runs scored.

Troy Tulowitzki – Tulo has provided decent numbers with 17 home runs and 57 RBI. He is hitting .271 with 44 runs and 6 stolen bases. With an ADP of 7.9 though, owners are hoping for another monster finish.

Eric Thames – Off to a great start(14 for 38, 9 runs, 3 home runs) in his second stint in the majors, he is currently owned in 4.9% of ESPN leagues and 22 of 38 (57.9) RCLs.

Travis Snider – Hit 3 doubles with 2 RBI in his first game back from the minors, and has been scooped up by 30 RCL teams.

Phil Hughes – Due to return from the DL on Wednesday, he is currently on 26 RCL rosters.

Vance Worley – In the last couple weeks, he has 2 wins with 15 Ks in 20 innings and an ERA of 0.45, but is owned in only 5 RCLs.

Barry Zito – With 4 Ks in 13 IP, he is not exciting anyone despite 2 wins and a 1.38 ERA. He is on 1 RCL roster.

Brian Duensing – Also on 1 RCL team, Duensing has 2 wins and 15 strikeouts in his last 3 starts with an ERA of 2.18.

Mark Ellis – Hitting .444 with 2 home runs in 4 games with Colorado, and has 2B eligibility. He is available in 26 RCLs.

Joe Nathan reclaimed his closer job this year but was missing something, consistently putting his team behind the 8-ball, so the Twins shifted to CAPPS.  On March 25th, I said this about the Matt Capps and Taipei Slinko shituation, “Here’s what I see happening.  Nathan gets torched and Capps saves a few games while Nathan works things out.  Then Nathan returns, gets torched again and, finally, the Twins send him to the Disgraceful List.”  And that’s me quoting me!  Right now, we’re at the point where Nathan’s off to work things out.  I don’t think this ends well for Nathan.  Someone in the Twins organization should’ve stepped forward and said, “Hey, Taipei, you’re a gamer in the non-nerd way, we appreciate that.  No one likes nerds — the candy or otherwise.  But, listen to me, you’re rushing yourself back.  Chillax!  Go get a Jamba Juice, enjoy some me time and let’s take it slow with your recovery.”  But, well, that didn’t happen.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Brian Duensing – 7 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks.  He’s a Duensing machine!  Would I pick him up in certain deep leagues?  Yes, but I don’t trust him.

Chris Young – To the DL.  He’d be a Bennis Carpensheeter if he had better game or less gams.

Grady Sizemore – Member in 2009 when his injuries started?  Of course you don’t, that’s why I’m here.  He hit a home run the day before he went to the DL.  Then returned and hit a homer in his 2nd game back.  Then variations of bupkis for two years, so don’t overrate his homer in his first game back.  It’s nice and all but if you think he’s back for good, you’re only fooling yourself.  And when you’re fooling yourself, you make a fool out of ING, or whatever that cliche is.

Carlos Santana – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer as he bats .196.  Might be a day late and a dollar short for this, but, even though I wasn’t a huge fan of Supernatural in the preseason, he’s only going to get better.  I.e., Buy low.  (BTW, Santana’s been crizzap, Choo is batting .214 and Sizemore just returned to the lineup, yet the Indians are 11-4.  Quick, someone wake up the Comatose Indians Fan.)

Travis Hafner – 2-for-3 and his 4th homer.  I don’t buy a resurgence here.  If you pick him up, you’re getting Pronk’d.

Fausto Carmona – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Control-Alt-Ignore.

Jhoulys Chacin – Complete game shutout on Friday.  I kinda love Chacin and his 150-point-in-Scrabble first name.  To misquote the most overrated group of all-time, don’t hide your love of Chacin away.

Roy Oswalt – Good news from the Oswalt camp, which is group of twelve guys who look like Ralph from Survivor living in the Ozarks without running water, he should make his next start.

Charlie Morton – Sonavabench!  Complete game on Friday with the only blemish being Jay Bruce’s homer.  Double sonavabench!  It’s raining sonavabenches!  Someone make the sonavabenches stop.  Please!

Andrew McCutchen – 3-for-3 with his 3rd homer.  I said in the preseason that The Dread Pirate was Crawford two rounds later.  Luckily, he’s been nothing like Crawford.

Jose Tabata – I’ll take a coffee with three creamers, tomahto juice, but I don’t want just any tomahto juice, I want Mr and Mrs. T’s Bloody Mary mix and, finally, a slam and legs.  Thank you.

Edinson Volquez – 5 2/3 IP, 6 ER, 11 baserunners, 6 Ks with four first inning runs.  Seriously, have Cordero start Edinson’s games.

Jay Bruce – 4-for-5 yesterday and his 2nd homer since I told you on Friday to buy him.

Jonny Gomes – Yesterday, hit his 6th homer, third this weekend and a lot more homers than that other guy you have on your team.  Yeah, him.  And him too.

Phil Hughes – In what I believe is our first case of the Disgraceful List this year.  You gotta be pretty terrible to get put on the Disgraceful List this quickly.  Let’s see what I said in January about Hughes, “Know when I’m going to draft Phil Hughes?  After he’s traded away from the Yankees.  Nothing personal.  He just had the 2nd worst fly ball rate in the majors and he plays in The House They Built Next To The House That Ruth Built.  Just can’t draft that headache.”  And that’s me copying and pasting me!  So who you blaming for drafting Hughes?  You ain’t blaming me.  Blame that Best Buy salesman that knew nothing about the TV you wanted to purchase.  Blame the barista that left no room for milk.  Blame your 7th grade teacher for making you stay after and saying that you and him had chemistry.  Just don’t blame me.  Know who else you can’t blame?  Rudy.  He put him on his risky pitcher list.  If you drafted Hughes, to quote the airplane version of one of the best movies of all time, Menace II Society, “You done messed up. You know that, right?”  To quote the TV-edited version of yourself, “I HAVE HAD IT WITH THIS MONKEY FIGHTIN’ HUGHES!”

Chad Billingsley – 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 11 Ks.  I really needed this start from Bills on so many teams.  I love you, Bills.  Write back soon!

Ryan Franklin – 4th blown save and has an ERA of 11.57.  Can’t spell Franklin without FAIL.  La Russa should replace Franklin with Motte or Mitchell Boggs, CPA.  Probably in reverse order.  Now whether La Russa does this is anyone’s guess.  On Saturday, La Russa said, Franklin is our closer and now excuse me while I go feed my scarf.

Andres Torres – To the DL.  In a day when I feel the need to bathe myself in my prescience, here’s what I said about Torres in January, “On one hand, you want to believe Torres’ 2010 was fluke.  On the other hand, you think he can repeat.  On a third hand that is actually just a foot wearing a mitten, you don’t know what to make of Torres’ last year.  I hear you, loyal Razzball reader.  It’s a pickle, I tell ya.  Here’s my take, Torres has 10+ homer power and 25+ steal speed but he’s also injury prone.  It’s one of the reasons why he’s so old and just now bursting on the scene.  I’d pay for Torres as a fourth outfielder, then pray he stays healthy.”  And that’s me stroking me!  Yeah, Torres didn’t stay healthy and there’s no guarantee he will when he returns.  That’s his problem…And yours if you drafted him.

Barry Zito – Headed to the DL.  That’s a baked Zito.

Brandon Belt – Andrew Baggarly, the San Jose Mercury reporter that sounds like a Charles Dickens character, thinks Belt has until April 26th to do something.  With Belt’s talent, I’m willing to hold him for another week plus to see if he can get comfortable in the majors.  Loosen up, Belt!

Alex Rodriguez – Scratched on Sunday due to back tightness.  See, I usually do that for back itchiness.

Jake Peavy – Will return in about a week and a half.  If he’s unowned in your league, pick him up and then pray to your deity of choice he stays healthy.

Michael Pineda – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Now has a 2.33 ERA.  Guess I should’ve went with him instead of F-Her.  Sweet.

Dallas Braden – Has a shoulder issue and thinks he’ll miss his next start.  I look forward to not seeing that.

Frank Francisco – Will return on Tuesday, but it sounds like Frank² won’t get the job back immediately.  We saw Frank² not get the closer job back immediately last year and he never got it back.  I’d hold Rauch and Francisco for now.

Johnny Damon – His bruised finger is very sore.  Sounds like he might be throwing a *pinkie to mouth* splint finger.

Starlin Castro – 7 for his last 9.  I lurve him.

Jair Jurrjens – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks on Saturday.  Meesa tinks Jar-Jar pitched well.  Meesa does not anticipate that’s foreshadowing for future performance.

Tommy Hanson – 5 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks.  I’m such a K whore I’d take one of these Hanson starts over two of his 7 IP, 2 ER, 3 K ones.

Jason Heyward – 2-for-4, his 4th homer and he batted 2nd while McLouth phoned 2008 to find out where his talent went.

Yovani Gallardo – 5 1/3 IP, 7 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks.  I’m not gonna freak out unless his next start is poor, as well.  Now let me go cry into a pint of Clusterfluff ice cream.

Carl Crawford – 0-for-4, batting .127 with 3 runs and 1 RBI on the year.  After the game, he burned over your wedding video with a sex tape of your sister, just to make his season stats seem better by comparison.

Hold on one second, I’m breathing in that New Season Smell.  Hmm, actually I just smell a small gas leak.  Here’s hoping I make it through this post!  Baseball:  you make me feel like the only girl in the world!  Sticks and stones may break my bones but Ks and WHIPs excite me!  Okay, I lost my shizz there for a second.  I’m as excited as you, see?  Of course you do, unless you’re having your old lady read this to you.  Still, don’t overrate one day of stats.  Jeff Mathis will not bat .500 with 162 homers, Matt Holliday will not knock in 324 runs while helping Tony La Russa save stray kittens and Alex Gordon, who went 0-for-5, will not hit .000… Well, actually that might happen.  We’re only one game in.  Please keep shizz in perspective.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Matt Capps – Twins announced that Matt Capps will share in the save opportunities.  Or Capportunities.

Russell Martin – 1-for-3 and a steal of third.  He hadn’t exerted so much effort getting to 3rd base since he caught Alyssa Milano on the rebound.

Curtis Granderson – 1-for-3, HR and he robbed a double by Brandon Inge aka Big Mike’s brother.

Tim Stauffer - 6 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Is that a Hodgepadre acting like a Road Scholar?  Not entirely.  Don’t take this the wrong way because I do like Stauffer a lot, but this wasn’t as nice a start as his ERA shows.  I’d still only start him at home for now.

Orlando Hudson – 0-for-2, Hit third for the Padres.  That’s not a compliment for Hudson, that’s an indictment of the Padres.

Justin Verlander – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks.  I think this might’ve been Verlander’s best game ever for the first month of the season.  Not even being sarcastic.

Austin Jackson – 1-for-4, 3 Ks.  Wouldn’t surprise me to see him K 170 times and hit .250.  Take from that what you will.

Yovani Gallardo – 6 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks.  More than happy with this start.  @CIN is probably the third worst start after @COL and @PHI.  Assuming there’s no games @MOON.

Carlos Gomez – 1-for-4, and the first slam & legs of the season.  Message to all teams with underperforming CFs.  Pick up Nyjer Morgan and it’ll scare them straight.

Rickie Weeks – 2-for-5, HR.  He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell, but he could be.  Wink, wink, nudge, nudge, turkey gobble.

John Axford – Blows a save in as painful a way as possible — 4 runs including a 3-run dinger to Ramon ‘The Prospblock’ Hernandez.  Trevor Hoffman is probably experiencing flashbacks from last year.  Takashi Saito would be the speculative handcuff.

Edinson Volquez – 6 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks.  More like Volqueef.  Gotta stay patient here.  One game.  Yadda³.

Drew Stubbs – 2-for-5, HR.  The King of the Slam & Legs went without a steal yesterday, but those things will come.  Doode’s fast.  (<–illuminating!)  BTW, Stubbs went to UT and Rudy is living in Austin so at a Reds spring training game we were at, Rudy screamed to Stubbs, who was three feet away, “Hook ‘em horns!”  Stubbs didn’t even look.  Then Rudy yelled it again.  Still nothing.  Was like that Tom Hanks/Jon Lovitz SNL sketch.  Rudy’s eyebrows do come together in the most unappealing way.

Pablo Sandoval – 1-for-3.  Sandoval’s dropped a few pant sizes and lineup spots.  Honestly, I’d rather a fat Panda hitting 3rd-5th than a skinny one hitting 8th.  He’ll be hungry…..for Runs and RBIs!

Clayton Kershaw – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks.  He looks so much better than Lincecum, in both a straight and gay way.

Ryan Franklin – Blew the save as he gave up a homer to Cameron Maybin.  I’ve gone on the record as saying that Motte will be closing games by the end of the year.

Albert Pujols – 3 GIDPs and a pop-up with a man on 3rd and one out.  That’s it.  We waited 10 years to get him in a draft (NL LABR) and this is what we get.  Poo-holes!

Cameron Maybin – 2-for-5 with a homer then he hurt his leg.  The universe just won’t let him break out.

Erick Aybar – 1-for-4 as he hit 6th, which makes sense if you’re a Sciosciapath.

Fernando Rodney – Got the ugly save.  The Angels pen didn’t look so hot and that was before they even got to the closer that deserves no respect.

Jeff Francoeur – Frenchy homered and threw out a man at home.  It’s Bastille Day!

Darwin Barney – Won the 2nd base job in Chicago.  I grabbed him in one NL-Only league, but there I’m really just hoping for everyday ABs.  I’d expect numbers that make Crapolanco look spectaculanco.  BTW, could anyone love dinosaurs more than Darwin Barney?

Mike Morse – 0-for-4.  Wanna say, “Okay, it’s one game.  Don’t overreact.  Stroke your ‘stache and calm yourself.”  But, guys (and three girl readers), righty pitchers look like they’ve already decoded Morse.

Melky Cabrera – 3-for-4, but as frequent commenter GopherDay said yesterday in the comments, “I’ve figured out why the Royals picked Melky over Cain for the CF job.  They want to fill M. Cabrera into their scorecard and dream.”

Craig Kimbrel – Member all that talk about a Venters timeshare?  Kimbrel faced two lefties in the ninth for the save.  Oh, and he was nasty.  Sorry, need the hyphen.  Nas-tee.  Will be this year’s Marmol.

Nate McLouth – 0-for-4.  Good to see McLousy pick up where he left off.  I give him until May until he’s in a blahtoon.

Jason Heyward – 1-for-2 and the first player to hit a homer in his first at-bat two seasons in a row, according to Elias Sports Bureau.  Actually, they didn’t say that, but here’s something that was overheard at the Elias compound on Opening Day.  Bob in Human Resources, “This is the 20th year I’ve worked with all of you nerds and I hate every single one of you.”

Barry Zito – Was in a car accident.  Ironically, watching him pitch is like a car wreck.  Zito must’ve had the Jack Johnson music too loud.  I’m so mellow…I see the red light as yellow.

Here’s what my crystal ball said on March 5th, “(Medlen) averaged over a K an inning last year.  Will start the year as an MR, barring an injury to someone… *cough* Jar Jar *cough*.  Medlen will get into the rotation shortly.  Meesa tinks Jar Jar won’t make it the whole year healthy.”  And that’s me quoting me!  Kris Medlen is now the starter as the Braves wash Jurrjens out of their hair for at least three weeks while he deals with a strained hamstring.  I grabbed Medlen in one league where it made sense.  He gets a tough first matchup going against the Phillies at Citizens Flank.  If Medlen pitches well in his first start, he’ll be added everywhere.  So depending how bad you need him, you add him now or prepare to rush to grab him on Saturday.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jason Heyward – Left yesterday’s game with a sore groin, which would be a good name for a Viagra-type drug, but spelled “soar” and with an exclamation mark.  Oh, and speaking of groins…

Bobby Cox – The congratulatory cake made by the Senate for Bobby Cox had an unfortunate misspelling.  Maybe Jim Eisenreich was the baker.

Andy Pettitte – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks and left with elbow inflammation.  That’s now three of the core four that are sore.  Jeter better take it easy on the pasta diving.

Nick Johnson – 3-for-3 with a homer.  He has a .171 average and a .396 OBP.  That almost seems impossible, right?  Seriously, no joke.  Batting in front of Tex and A-Rod and he leads the league in walks.  Incredible.

Alfredo Aceves – Got the save since Joba was used the last two days.  This was after the Orioles pitched Alfredo Simon.  According to Elias Sports Bureau, this was the first time two guys named after pasta sauce appeared in the same game since Alfredo Griffin and Bolognese Penne squared off in 1982.  Actually, they didn’t say that.  But something that was overheard this week at the Elias Sports Bureau compound, “Thomas, in accounting, broke his own record of 37 minutes when he took 45 minutes to sign a birthday card with ‘Your (sic) the best.’”

Adam Jones – Missed the game with dreckitude, I mean, a hip strain.  He’s supposed to play on Thursday.  Yay.

Ty Wigginton – Hit his 9th homer yesterday.  Or the same amount of homers as Andruw Jones.  That’s only 7 more homers than Teixeira.  Pardon me as I go stick my head in the oven.

Aramis Ramirez – Hey, the power of persuasion worked!  Aramis was moved down the order.  Now how about my Powerball numbers coming in!

Kevin Slowey – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks and lucky to get out with the Win.  Last year, Slowey had screws put in his wrist and now he’s putting the screws to his owners.  The screws seem to be effecting his pinpoint control that made him the pitcher that he was.  In 2009, through 90+ innings, he had 15 walks.  He has 11 through 34+ innings this year.

Denard Span – 11 for his last 22 and has 7 Steals and 19 Runs on the season.  Heading for exactly the type of season I thought he would when I put him down for 100/10/70/.300/22.

David Ortiz – Hit his third homer in four games, while he bats .171.  Yeah, he’s “not done,” he’s just a “very poor imitation of his younger self.”

Huston Street – Supposed to start a rehab assignment on Monday which will put him on schedule to return in about two weeks.

Franklin Morales – His leash got even shorter last night.  If you’re looking for vulture saves, grab Corpas.

Johnny Damon – Left yesterday’s game with a right calf spasm.  Damon is day-to-day, man. (<–almost a palindrome!)

Miguel Cabrera – 2 homers as he took a double shot off the Slow Twin Fizz.

Alex Avila – Hit his first two homers of the season yesterday.  I grabbed him in a deep 2 catcher league hoping this is a sign of a potential breakout.  He does need to do battle with Laird for the starting job, but Laird’s hitting .141 with one homer and a bruised shin.  Not a braised shin though, which is delicious!

Manny Ramirez – Returns on Saturday after playing today for the Inland Empire, which is on the planet Naboo.

Ian Desmond – 1-for-4 with his third homer.  Now has 3 homers and 3 steals, which is yawnstipating while it’s happening, but it’s still 12/12 at the end of the year.  Now someone just needs to convince Riggleman Desmond should be in the two hole and not the crap that is usually there.

Barry Zito – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  His ERA now stands at 1.49.  His xFIP is 4.09, which means he’s getting very lucky, but no one thought Zito was a sub-2 ERA pitcher anyway, right?

Shane Victorino – 2-for-4 with his 6th homer.  Or one more homer than Ryan Howard.  Zoinks!

Carlos Lee – Home run.  Final Lee.

Brandon Morrow – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Frequent commenter, penpen, brought up a good point.  With Romero, Morrow and Cecil, the Jays are like the high risk/high reward hodgepadres.  The hodgepodjays:  They’ll give you Ks and solid games against bad teams.  Then tie you to the WHIPping post and get beat in what should be good matchups.

Adam Lind – 2-for-4, and his fourth homer.  He’s one hot streak away from being exactly where he was last year.  Recognize!  Or don’t.  Your call.

Fred Lewis – 5 for his last 10.  So far in his career he’s had “Grandpa” Al Lewis levels of production, but the Jays are pushing the issue with him as their leadoff man, so maybe the stability can produce the 15/15 season he’s hinted at in the past.

Johnny Cueto – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Now has back-to-back decent starts.  Yes, I’m a glutton for punishment, but Cueto can pitch well if he finds his groove.

Jose Reyes – 0-for-5 as his average falls to .225.  I’m kinda at the point where I’m glad he’s not batting leadoff so maybe he gets one less at-bat.

Chris Perez – 1 2/3 IP, 3 unearned as he blew the save with the Ticker Shock.

Milton Bradley – Left in the middle of Tuesday’s game telling the manager, “I’m out of here.”  Ironically, Milton Bradley produces Sorry and not Risk.

You’ll have to excuse me; I’m a bit hoarse after a weekend in Vegas, so don’t ask me to yell.  All caps are just too much right now.  I’m not sure where I lost my voice.  May have been during our spirited game of Pai Gow Poker.  What was I doing playing $15 hands of a game where I literally just turned my cards over so the dealer could tell me how to play them?  It’s the free drinks, ya’ll!  About eighty dollars worth a free drinks to be exact.  Oh, and Ubaldo was pitching a no-hitter and Pai Gow Poker had the best seats in the house.  I think even the three 70-year-old Asian ladies at the table with us were into it by the ninth.  Hair’s to you, Ubaldo!  Either way, I’m spent so I’ll have to keep my enthusiasm on simmer for now about Ike Davis.  Let’s start this mofo with what Stephen said in the Mets’ Minor League Review, “After hitting zero home runs in 215 at-bats in 2008, doubters began questioning his “raw power,” but failed to consider an oblique injury.  Splitting time between High-A and Double-A, Davis flat-out raked.  Not necessarily the most polished hitter, he still has some work to do with his swing and strikeout rate, but he should continue to hit for power as he keeps a decent rate of balls in the air (42.8 FB%).”  And that’s me quoting Stephen!  In nine games in Triple-A Buffalo, Davis has two homers as he hits a robust .357.  Not to be confused with the girls in Vegas, who are mo’bust.  The Mets are calling up Davis in the next week.  Do I take a flier on him in 12 team or deeper mixed leagues?  Certainly.  Do I expect the 2nd coming of Hayzeus Cristo?  Nope.  But if he hits in first few games, his value will go sky high and you’ll be able to trade him for more than he’s worth.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Mike Jacobs – Designated for assignment.  That assignment is to “stop sucking.”

Derek Jeter – Will return on Tuesday after missing yesterday’s game with a head cold.  Good to see he’s quickly on the mend because a head cold sidelined Greinke for a year.

Aaron Rowand – On the DL with three fractures in his cheekbones that he sustained from a Padilla fastball.  In related news, Charlie Haeger’s fastball plunked a mosquito.  The mosquito’s day-to-day.

Eugenio Velez – Guess who now has a new every day job?  Conan O’Brien? Um, yeah, but also Velez.  He’s terrible at everything, except speed.  Oh, what glorious burners he has.  So, as always, SAGNOF.

Barry Zito – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks and was Alexander Hamilton to Clayton Kershaw’s Aaron Burr (7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks).  I’d avoid tough matchups with Zito, but he was ownable last year in most mixed leagues and now through three starts his ERA is below 2.

Franklin Morales – 2/3 IP, 2 ER.  Now has back-to-back blown saves.  Rafael Betancourt, cuddle boy extraordinaire, would be next in line, but I don’t think we’ve reached that point yet.  If Morales blows his next one, then commence vulturing.

Jair Jurrjens – 8 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Jar-Jar was hit hard hard by the Padres in his last start, then held an actual major league offense in check.  Next time, he gets the Mets.  Uh-oh.

Max Scherzer – 6 IP, 2 ER, 4 Ks.  Now has an ERA of 2.12 on the year.  Amongst other reasons, his move to the AL scared me off of him this year.  But so far– Wait, he’s faced the Royals twice and the M’s at Safeco.  Very sneaky, Scherzer.

Wade LeBlanc – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 Ks.  But if a monkey were playing third, that would’ve been hilarious!

Everth Cabrera – 2-for-4 with his third steal as he continues to bat leadoff.  Potatoes to chips, his OBP, which is currently at .280, should shoot up at least 40 points.

Mark Reynolds – 3-for-4 and his fourth homer yesterday.  Reynolds is hitting .182 on the year and hasn’t attempted a steal.  It’s not cherrypicking negativity for Mini Donkey.  It’s a goad.  Donkeys, mini or otherwise, need goading.

Juan Gutierrez – Sure has been one sweet pickup for me since Thursday.  2 appearances, 1 IP and 5 ER.  Maybe tomorrow he can defecate on my Reggie Jackson rookie card.

Ian Kennedy – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Padres in Petco.  A’la Guy Fieri, “Was a meatball of an appearance.  And meatballs are good!”

Ty Wigginton – Has 4 homers in the last week.  Might hit 4 more this week, then not hit another one for a month.  Grab while hot, friend.

Marlon Byrd – 3-for-5 yesterday and will now hit leadoff vs. lefties with Theriot dropping to the eight hole, also known as the don’t steal so the pitcher can bunt you over hole.

Lance Berkman – He’s ready to return for Tuesday’s game.  Him and Carlos Lee should be able to fix the Astros’ offense, assuming you’re playing in a 2006 throwback league.  I have my doubts that Berkman will be the old Berkman.  Actually, let me rephrase that because he will indeed be the old Berkman.  He just won’t be the Berkman that we used to see.

Aaron Hill – Should be ready to go by Friday.  I’ll be impressed if he returns and stays healthy the rest of the year.  Member how excited you were in March to own him?  How ya feeling now?

Alberto Callaspo – 3-for-5, 6 RBIs with 2 homers yesterday.  He’s a .300 hitter with little to no speed and very minimal power.  I will call you, Polancallaspo.

Scott Podsednik – 3-for-5 with his 7th steal.  If you were an alien and this were your first day on Earth and you saw Podsednik’s stats so far this season and his wife, you’d probably think he was the best player in the major leagues.

Luke Hochevar – 6 IP, 2 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks.  He got lucky last time, too.  The time before, I said, “He looked sharp last night and I’m ready to leap if he pitches this well again.”  These starts since then have made it real hard to buy into him totally, but I’d rather own him at this point than not.

Carl Pavano – 3 1/3 IP, 7 ER.  I talked him up last week.  Finally putting years of dreckitude behind me.  So I picked him up and he got shelled.  Did he do this to spite me?  Probably.  But guess what?  It was a weekly league, so I didn’t have him in my active lineup yet.  In your face, Pavano!

Jason Marquis – Didn’t record an out as he gave up 7 runs.  Now that’s Razztastic!

Mark Teixeira – HR yesterday as his average buoys around .115.  Someone turn this guy’s calender to June.

Jay Bruce – 2 solo homers yesterday.  After the game, he cured death, then reversed the cure because of all the people who doubted him the first two weeks.

Matt Garza – 8 IP, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks has a 0.75 ERA on the year.  Have I mentioned that I traded Rafael Soriano to get Garza in one league?

Ricky Romero – 8 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Stop the press!  Who’s that?  Ricky Romero!

Ervin Santana – 9 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks.  As the Black Eyed Peas would say, “Mazel tov.”

Rich Harden – 3 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners, 6 BBs.  Weird how his stuff has gone from filthy to sloppy.