Fantasy baseball is a fickle beast. It will lure you in with chocolates and fine smelling perfume. Then leave you heartbroken, mad as hell and unable to watch regular baseball. Twelve after 20 is becoming the year of the Aflac for closers. It is just not safe to be a ninth inning pitcher. It’s like someone is hunting them down one by one, and systematically destroying everyone’s hopes at accumulating points in saves. Wait, is that a laser pointer on Huston Street? Watching guys that I usually opine about in my holds posts finally getting some burn in the limelight. It is a strong week for streaming low end two start pitchers. Lots of decent matchup type guys and some guys that are under the radar who should be rostered in most formats soon. So enjoy the week to come and have a very wobbly and not very up-right Cinco De Mayo. Here’s some two start starters for this week in fantasy baseball: (Please keep in mind that pitchers and matchups change.)
ONE START OPTIONS:
5/9
Anthony Bass @ Col – Moscoso
Ross Detwiler @ Pit – Bedard
Drew Smyly @ Sea – Vargas
5/10
Henderson Alvarez @ Min – Marquis
Derek Lowe @ Bos – Beckett
5/11
Kyle Drabek @ Min – Blackburn
James McDonald vs Hou – Norris
5/12
R.A. Dickey @ Mia – Nolasco
TWO START OPTIONS:
J.A. Happ (Mia vs Zambrano, @Pit vs Morton) After watching him pitch against the Mets, I said to myself, “Self, we should keep an eye on him for future starts.” For a deeper league with fringe options, the stale fish and the sinking pirate ship seem tantalizing to me.
Bronson Arroyo (@Mil vs Marcum, Was vs Jackson) Because of rain you get him twice this week, ain’t that special? Likes to use the method of one good/one bad start. His last one was bad, so there is your heads up.
Josh Tomlin (CHW vs Humber, @Bos vs Doubront) ERA says 5, but the other numbers say something different. And if numbers talk we have a bigger problem. Like what else talks to you? Lunch meat?
Duane Below (@Sea vs Millwood, @Oak vs Parker) I don’t wanna jinx him, but he is unscored upon this year. I bet someone a shiny new quarter that no longer exists by the fourth inning Monday. Still all things considered, it is Seattle and that is Millwood, so it could be an easy W.
Joe Saunders (STL vs Lynn, SF vs Zito) I don’t know how he is doing it either, so don’t ask. Luck is the best thing I can think of, LOB rate of 84% and a FIP in the high 2′s makes him look more realistic and not like the boogieman sleeping in my closet.
Marco Estrada (Cin vs Arroyo, CHC vs Volstad) I see his name and the CHiPs theme song jumps in my head. Now that we are on the same page enjoy the classic fade out to that song. Without the Ks, I’d wanna watch TJ Hooker instead.
A.J. Burnett ( Was vs Jackson, Hou vs Happ) A dozen of anything sounds delicious. Oh… they were earned runs. Yikes. Anything worth doing, A.J does it.
Barry Zito (@LAD vs Lilly, @Ari vs Saunders) His matchup looks like a retread meeting of guys over 30 who no longer throw hard. 7 walks last start as he was in a hurry to get to the Perfect Strangers reunion show. Big Cousin Larry fan.
Jarrod Parker (Tor vs Romero, Det vs Below) Good job, youngin’,, now go do it again and make yourself completely fantasy useful. While you’re at it, give me your sandwich….I said give me your sandwich!
Jonathan Sanchez (Bos vs Doubront, @CHW vs Danks) Filthy, dirty. I don’t know what his nickname is anymore, but it should start with “in” and end with “consistent.” Throws away too many pitches to go deep in a game and, for that reason, he is just poo.
Another week in the books, my fellow pretend baseball heads. The chase for wins continues this week with a stellar group of entries comprised of 9 guys whose combined career starts don’t even equal the other person’s. I can’t even remember what I was doing in 1986 when Jamie Moyer started his first game. Oh… I remember now it was called being a kid and getting dirty and stealing cars. Stuff we all did and never got caught for, boys being boys type stuff. It is kind of weird to imagine the same player being in the fantasy pool from my year one start into fantasy in 1989, til this year. Crazy stuff. He needs to get out of that pool ‘cuz he is going to be all wrinkly. Even if you hate the Rockies, you have to root for Jamie a little, just don’t do it too loud; he frightens easily. So enjoy the week to come and happy fantasy scavenging. (Pitchers and matchups change so please be aware.)
One Start Streamers :
4/25
Kyle Drabek @Bal – Hammel
Luke Hochevar @Cle – Tomlin
Barry Zito @Cin – Arroyo
4/26
Philip Humber vs Bos – Doubront
Rick Porcello vs Sea – Noesi
4/27
Danny Duffy @MIN – Pavano
Jake Westbrook @Mil – TBD
4/28
Randall Delgado vs Pit – Bedard
Two Star Options:
Jamie Moyer (@Pit vs McDonald, NYM vs Dickey) – Moyer will be in Pittsburgh and Denver this week throwing a baseball unfast. I hope he doesn’t wear out his feet peddling his car to the games, he needs his strength.
Lucas Harrell (@Mil vs Greinke, @Cin vs Latos) – I personally think it’s great that the ‘Stros are giving the kid from ET a chance. No word on if they gave his bike with a basket a job in the transportation department.
Bartolo Colon (CHW vs Peavy, @Bal vs Hunter) – 15 straight scoreless innings, and he threw 38 consecutive strikes in his start on Wednesday. That to me is crazy. I can’t do anything 38 times in a row with out the help of visual aides. This is the only piece of actual stat in this article, so you’re welcome.
Henderson Alvarez (@Bal vs Hunter, Sea vs Vargas) – Remember 2 weeks ago when I said it would be his only appearance on this weekly format. Well, the gist of it is I lied, because people still don’t have this guy rostered enough so your stuck listening about him.
Chris Capuano (ATL vs Jurrjens, WAS vs Zimmermann) – Oooh, 2 starts at home, I still think I would take Paul Lynde to block. We come for the K’s and stay for the apuano. Oh wait, damn you phonetics. Somewhere in heaven, Charles Nelson Reilly is jealous of Paul Lynde being mentioned.
Bruce Chen (Tor vs Morrow, @Min vs Liriano) – To me Bruce Chen is like the guy who still buys Zima at the liquor store. You see it as being available in the store, but wonder who ever buys it. Now you know, but you really shouldn’t.
Jason Marquis (Bos vs Lester, KC vs Sanchez) – I ran into Marquis at the Wawa ordering a quesadilla after his start against the Yankees and asked about his 2 start week. He said, “You know me as the b-i-z-m-a-r-q-u-i-s, I go for what I know doin’ a show for human beings, I’m guaranteed to roc,k I make the ladies scream and shout.” “Nobody beats the bizzzz.” Floored, he autographed my 6″ sub in oil and vinegar.
R.A. Dickey (Mia vs Buerhle, @COL vs Moyer) – A knuckleballing New York guy named Dickey, I thought Rudy did away with all that type of riff-raff. If he can keep the ball in the park he will be successful. That dynamite piece of advice brought to you by obviousness and wig-wam socks.
Clayton Richard (Was vs Zimmermann, @SF vs Cain) – My first rule of fantasy streaming is don’t trust a guy with 2 first names. Second rule is always check for an Adam’s apples. Cuz, you never can tell with the advancements in modern medicine. Wait, are we still talking about streaming pitchers?
Jason Vargas (@Det vs Scherzer, @Tor vs Alvarez) – The Hawk and Animal special of the week. This guy is pitching better than I think anyone is giving him credit for. Yeah, he’s a Marginer and is away from home this week, but I say fiddle faddle. Trends come and go, that’s why I am still hanging onto my Jordache jeans.
Drew Storen is headed to see Dr. Freeze. Here’s what I said about three weeks ago, “Drew Storen had arm discomfort… About two weeks ago (so that was about five weeks ago now; this is me adding an addendum — Hey! Okay, back to the quote). He hasn’t pitched in a game since March 7th (that’s more than a month ago; okay, maybe I didn’t need to clarify that) and had soreness in his biceps playing catch yesterday (that’s less than a month ago, but more than three weeks ago… Oh, forget. I’m coming out of this quote.)” And that’s me coming out of my quote prematurely! That’s what she said! Wait, huh? My guess is Storen will probably be out for a few months. You don’t go see Dr. Freeze for the lollipops. Unless he’s removing your arm and giving you lollipop appendages. “Hey, guys, stop calling me a Dum-Dum and I’m serious!” We shall see on when Storen will return. I’ve been preaching about Henry Rodriguez for about three weeks too. He’s a wild cat. Yesterday, he came in and seduced me with his filth, but left me sad and alone with the wild. (The preceding was not an excerpt from my soon to be released western novel, “Saddle Up To My Stache.”) If HanK-Rod is still out there, I’d grab him. If Lidge is out there, I’d grab him too. I’m pretty sure Davey will decide on one closer within the next week or so and you’ll be able to drop the guy not getting saves. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Anibal Sanchez – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks. It’s a solid start, so I’m not gonna complain too much, which is obviously leading into me complaining. Now, it’s the first start of the year for Anibal, couldn’t we have been happy with 6 strong innings and not sent him out there to give up two runs in the 7th? Stupid Ozzie! (By the way, I made “Stupid Ozzie” a shortcut on my computer. Now whenever I type “St” it fills in the rest with Stupid Ozzie.)
Giancarlo Stupid Ozzie – Was scratched with knee pain. The Marlins aren’t that concerned, but the Marlins also decided to put a giant sculpture of unicorn vomit in their outfield, so I’m not sure how much we should trust them.
Omar Infante – 2-for-4 with 2 homers, and now has 3 homers on the year. Look at the Infante getting all grown up. Who’s the big boy? You’re the big boy.
Emilio Bonifacio – 3-for-4 with his 4th steal in 5 games. Was actually kinda bummed I didn’t draft Bonifacio on any teams. I was like three Phillie Blunts high on him when I did my rankings. Oh, well, can’t get everyone I suppose, especially when Rudy refused to draft him on any of our teams. *shakes fist* Rudy!
Brandon Phillips – Left yesterday’s game with a hamstring cramp. Doesn’t Midol make something for that?
Jhoulys Chacin – 4 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks. Worst thing you can do is overreact early on to one start or a few oh-fer’s. With that said, Yo-Lease is a mess. His velocity’s down, his walks are up, he’s probably dealing with an injury…. It’s what got Khalil Greene in the end, the Silent H is too much of a burden! Yo-lease is up, move out!
Dexter Fowler – 0-for-4 yesterday as he was dropped from leadoff to the two hole. The way he’s hitting the two hole may be appropriate figuratively, but he’s literally going to be in the eight hole soon.
Barry Zito – 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks as he threw his first shutout since 2003. After the game, Zito celebrated with a dip in the jay-couz. (<–PNSFWUYWAAPPC — Potentially Not Safe For Work Unless You Work At A Porn Production Company)
Daniel Bard – Red Sox reiterated that they want Bard as a starter. We shall see how they feel after Bard’s start on Tuesday vs. the Blue Jays. I’m putting the over/under for runs at 5 and the walks at 4. Anyone want any action?
Alfredo Aceves – Threw a perfect inning to get the save. For now, Red Sox Nation delayed their trip to Lake Tahoe with ‘fredo.
Chipper Jones – Glass Chipper could be activated for Tuesday. He’s probably hoping to get in the lineup immediately, so he can get injured again by the weekend.
C.J. Wilson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks as he held the heart of the Twins order to… Hmm, where is the heart of the Twins order?
Hector Noesi – 3 IP, 7ER and Yu Darvish (5 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 12 baserunners, 5 Ks) as they combined to throw more hangers than Joan Crawford.
Brett Gardner – 1-for-1 with a steal. Since he wasn’t very good against lefties, Girardi is using a platoon with Andruw Jones and a Waterpik to get between his braces. Firstly, Gardner still gets in the game and steals a base (the reason you have him). Secondly, this platoon sticks if Gardner doesn’t hit. Last year, he hit .194 in April and .233 vs. lefties, so maybe he’s doing us a favor. Thirdly, the platoon only sticks if the Yankees’ old and wonky lineup stays healthy. Fourthly, there’s no fourthly.
Jake Westbrook – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks. Zoinks! The Ghost of Dave Duncan left a walkthrough for Jake and his friends to Escape from Great American Ballpark.
David Freese – 2-for-5 and his 2nd homer. I’ll admit that I’m surprised by Freese’s fast start. I thought he was an Ecksteinian (which looks odd, but Ecksteinesque sounded weird in my head) type MVP and he’d go back to being a role player. Now, he’s just looking like he’s on a roll, player!
Chris Sale – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks. If you’re joining us late — where you been?! You missed about 20,000 offseason words. I’ll summarize. Yadda Anibal yadda Bruce yadda Anibal yadda Bruce yadda Bumgarner yadda ouch my Bum yadda Anibal and my Chris Sale fantasy.
Hector Santiago – 1 IP, 1 ER and the save. Honestly, how long you think this Santiago thing is gonna last? Two weeks? Three weeks? A month? I’m thinking maybe three weeks.
Henderson Alvarez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks. Here’s what I said in the past about Alvarez, “Ground ball, pitch-to-contact pitcher who doesn’t strike out a whole lot of hitters. In other words, the complete antithesis to every other Blue Jay pitcher. Not wild, low Ks, kinda boring.” And that’s me quoting me! I’m not a big fan, but he could have match-up potential.
Sergio Santos – 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners and the blown save. Red light, Chinese fire drill, pick up Francisco Cordero, get back in the car, buckle up, it’s gonna be a bumpy ride.
Tommy Milone – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 0 Ks. He won’t have any Ks ever, which is usually a than, but no thans. But he will help you with your ratios. Yes, I’d grab him. Yes, right now.
Darwin Barney – 1-for-3 with a homer for The Purple Evolutionist. His best month last year was April. As Darwin will tell you, April is the beginning of all things (or at least baseball).
Bryan LaHair – 2-for-4 and a homer. When you put ‘power upside’ into Google translator, it spits back “Anything but James Loney. God, he annoys me. You should try LaHair in deep leagues. Now where’s my scotch?!” Geez, Google translator sounds a bit testy.
Brian Matusz – 4 IP, 4 ER. How’s that momentum from his spring training going?
Matt Wieters – 4-for-4 with his 2nd home run of the year. Matt Wieters Fact Number #367: He once porked Boog Powell’s daughter while singing “Ironic” by Alanis Morissette.
Frank Francisco – Terry Collins said that Francisco is still dealing with some knee inflammation, but he should be fine. If they need to rest him as the Mets go 162-0, they could turn to Jon Rauch or Miguel Batista, the poet laureate of baseball. When Miguel Batista heard the news, he said, “Francisco’s on an un-mended knee… When Terry needs help, he’ll call me, sí… If Francisco’s on the shelf for a while and not feeling spry, then they’ll call Rauch, especially if that shelf’s high,” then Batista took off his Mets hat that had a feather in it and bowed.
Derrek Lee went 2-for-4 with 3 RBIs and two homers as he continues to get medieval on pitching, which isn’t an old crack, though it could be. I appreciate the Pirates trying to make moves at the trading deadline, but their moves were kinda of the “We’re gonna make moves so it seems like we’re doing something, but we’re just gonna grab guys like Ludwick” variety. No one really thinks Ludwick and Lee were the vital pieces, right? As for the Indians, I thought they’d go the Ludwick-type trade route too, but they actually made much stronger moves. No, this doesn’t have much to do with fantasy, but we do still actually watch baseball, right? It’s not just a game played between the fantasy lines on your computer screen, is it? Now to begin the slideshow — sorry, thought I was writing that crizzap for Bleacher Report. What a POS content farm. Seriously, if I ever see Bleacher Report hanging out with eHow one night after a few daiquiris, it could get ugly. Wow, that was a huge aside. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Rubby de la Rosa – To the DL with a sprained ulnar collateral ligament. Oh no, collateral damage! Yeah, that’s not good. Overall, it’s been a bad year to be a de la Rosa. Wilkin, you better watch your back. Or Dane de la Rosa. Or Ruben de la Rosa. Or Rafael, Carlos, Alexis, Maikel and Yunior de la Rosa, to name only the first nine I found at baseball-reference. Quite the de la Rosa renaissance. I’m beginning to think that scouts in Latin America are getting paid off by matriarch, Esmeralda de la Rosa. “Have you seen my boy, Tomas de la Rosa? No? Okay, first you have dessert then we go see him.”
Asdrubal Cabrera – 3-for-5 with 2 homers. A’la Cher from Clueless, “AS-drubal!” Speaking of surnames, it’s quite a battle for the most productive Cabrera between Miggy, Asdrubal and Melky. If you took the 5 million to 1 Vegas odds for Melky being the best Cabrera this year, you’re a lot closer than anyone could’ve thought in March.
Barry Zito – Back to the DL. I.e., baked Zito.
Freddy Sanchez – Undergoing season-ending season to repair his labrum. You can only lose your virginity once, Freddy. Sorry…
Jonathan Sanchez – Filthy Sanchez is set to start on Friday vs. the Phils. If he can work around Phil Jackson, Donahue and Spector, he should be safe to start. I’d grab Filthy if someone dropped him while he was rehabbing for what felt like four months. He’s always good for those delicious Ks (and tying his owners to the WHIPping post).
Matt Cain – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 11 baserunners, 5 Ks. I liked him better when he was outperforming his FIP. That’s what she said! No, she probably didn’t because only three nerdheads in The Missouri Bootheel even know what FIP is and they don’t talk to girls.
Cory Luebke – 7 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks. He should’ve chewed up the Dodgers and spit out a 7 IP, 3 ER start. This is coming after a most unimpressive 6 IP, 4 ER. But — and unless you’re an alien there’s also a but — his WHIP is below one still. You have to remain patient for at least one more start.
Jesus Guzman – 6 for his last 11. Kyle Blanks — hype! Anthony Rizzo — hype! Yet, Jesus is the only one doing work (though not carpentry).
Paul Goldschmidt – 1-for-4 with a single. Now you must be happy you stashed him in June.
Trevor Cahill – 4 IP, 7 ER. When pitchers I don’t like perform badly, it actually doesn’t make me the least bit happy. Of course, I’m joking. Schadenfreude!
Coco Crisp – 2-for-4 with, like, his 12th steal in the past three days. I’m only sorta joking. He has 6 steals in 3 days. Now I’m being cerealious.
Shin-Soo Choo – Will take BP this week. Where is he taking them? To the Gulf to see what they did… Oh, batting practice! Gotcha.
Bud Norris – Left yesterday’s start with a blister on his finger. It’s something to watch. Not literally, unless you’re in the same room as him. And, even if you are, it’s impolite to stare.
Mark Melancon – 2 IP lowering his ERA to 2.98 and the win because the Astros don’t need that albatross Hunter Pence!
Matt Holliday – 2-for-3 with a homer. I’ve been so busy underreporting Lance Berkman and Justin Verlander that I think I actually have underreported Matt Holliday. He hit his 15th homer yesterday to go along with his zero steals. Who are you, Andre Ethier? That’s a whole lot of name value right now and not so much fantasy.
Jhoulys Chacin – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks. Sonavabench! Sure, can’t throw a good start for weeks then you get murderer’s row plus Pence and hold them to one run. Of course you do.
Clay Buchholz – Shut it down, ‘holz. He’s about to. Sounds like Buchhurtz is done for the year.
Jason Kipnis – 3-for-5 with his 2nd homer in as many games. You, “Grey, Schumaker or Kipnis?” What I read, “Hmm… Should you pick up the old guy who’s hitting or the young guy with all the upside that’s hitting?” I tell you Kipnis. You, “Thanks!” What I read, “Nice ‘stache.”
Lucas Duda – 1-for-4 with a homer. Duda’s done doodie since I put him in Friday’s Buy, but this could be the start of something.
Omar Infante – 3-for-5, Bonifacio must’ve passed the conch shell to his teammate because Infante has now hit in nine of ten games and is hitting near .375 in that span.
Mike Stanton – 2-for-5 with the grand slam off Izzy. Anyone who hasn’t seen Stanton hit a ball, they should watch it some time. He looks like the superhero, Blok.
Javier Vazquez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks. I’m pretty sure Vazquez and Liriano are conspiring against me like they’re Sean Penn in The Game.
Josh Johnson – Will resume throwing on Tuesday because he was shutdown last week and that’s what pitchers who like getting repeatedly hurt do. They throw after they’re shutdown. This should end well.
Jarrod Saltalamacchia – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs. Hit a broken bat homer yesterday, which would be impressive for most, but his bat is an extra 18 letters long.
It’s a confusing week for me to grasp. Some formats are a short week, others role on until literally the middle (or end) of next week. So first things first, I will tackle the short 4 game week and give you some unbridled gems of the streaming variety. Stay tuned on Saturday for the following week’s two start thinga-ma-bobbers. If this is a short week for you, it’s prolly best to grab as many of these guys as possible, longer week not so much as you may want to call Laurel and tell him to take a breather. So enjoy the short week or long and I will give you an update later this week for week 15 ½ or 16. (Please keep in mind that pitchers and matchups change.)
7/14 Bruce Chen @ Min (Liriano) – 2.50 ERA since DL stint return. Is the definition of a streaky low end good/bad pitcher.
Jason Vargas vs. Tex (Holland) – Basically needs to go the distance to have a chance at a win. 1.70 ERA in last 4 starts.
Aaron Harang vs. SF (Bumgarner) – The primate in the zoo, Hodgepadre indeed.
7/15 Andrew Miller @ TB (Price) – 4 starts, 3 wins plays for the best lineup in baseball. That is all.
Doug Fister vs. Tex (Lewis) – Gets zero run support. I really feel bad for him because if you haven’t seen him pitch, he is very unheralded and unrewarded.
Jeff Karstens @ Hou (Myers) – Is he awesome, no. Effective lately yes. Regression will ensue.
Josh Tomlin @ Bal (Arrieta) – Sneaky 10 win pitcher, other numbers say he is pitching exactly the way he should be.
Vance Worley @ NYM (Dickey) – Awesome since mid-June. If he isn’t owned, your league is dull.
7/16 Paul Maholm @ Hou (Norris) – 4-2 with a 1.75 ERA in last 7 starts. For the soon to be first place Pirates.
Barry Zito @ SD (Luebke) – 3 wins, tiny ERA since DL return.
Edwin Jackson @ Det (Scherzer) – Huh, yeah I wanted to highlight that this will be his last start in Chi-town. That’s me predicting me!
Carlos Zambrano vs. Fla (Vazquez) – Fresh from the DL, seems like a trend for this post. Pitches just effectively enough to be added/dropped about 10 times a year. Ah, but look closer, he has RP elig, sneaky play for a Saturday.
7/17 Chris Volstad @CHC (Wells) – Stop trying to strike everyone out, you’re a groundball pitcher.
Matt Harrison @ Sea (Beavan) – Seattle O is good twice a week. Coincidentally, that’s how much my garbage is picked up.
Brian Duensing vs. KC (Paulino) – Sneaky good lately, here for the added eligibility.
Kevin Correia @ Hou (Rodriquez) – Is money on the road.
