Fantasy Baseball Advice

A right to the jaw, Gallardo goes down. Left to the jaw, Rich Hill sucks. Go to throw in the towel and Guthrie grabs your hand. Uppercut to the chin, Harang sucks. Aaron Cook takes a few body blows and rights the ship. Body blow and Franceour hits the canvas. You prepare to throw in the towel, but Hamilton grabs your hand and you’re feeling a second wind, then, out of nowhere, right, left, right — you’re toothless. Damn, these fantasy baseball injuries are ruthless. You’re stammering, “Momma?” as you hobble around the ring. You see three of your opponent because your eye needs to be cut and then Kinsler hits the DL. Like Saddam’s gold-ish statue, you topple to the ground. Kinsler may be out for the season. I have nothing else to say, but this totally sucky-suck-sucks. Some guys I’m looking at grabbing, Wigginton, Kent, Cesar Izturis, Sanchez or Polanco. I say “or,” because God help you if you need more than one of those. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Ryan Braun - Ugh, Part II. He left the game after swinging and missing. I’m pretty sure he’s headed to the DL. I wish he would’ve just sat out the last two games so he wouldn’t now need another 15 games, but when it hurts to swing, it’s not a good sign.

Justin Duchscherer - And the hits keep coming. He reinjured the same hip that shut him down last season. He’s thrown nearly as many innings this year as he’s thrown in the last three years combined. You guys had a good run. When Dook-sher goes in for the MRI and CornNuts, leave him by the side of the road.

Greg Maddux - Looks like he’s being traded to the Dodgers. This is the one place where Maddux may have slightly more value than Petco. Dodgers Stadium is also a pitcher’s park, it’s in the same crap division (now he can face the Padres!) and the Dodgers score a few more runs. That is a win, win, win! Though, he’s still a questionable starter depending on matchups.

Barry Zito - 7 scoreless innings against the Braves. After the game, Bobby Cox said, “I’d give back ‘95 if someone could make this end.”

Jorge Campillo - 6 2/3 innings, 5 ER. As I mentioned last week, I quit Campillo in all of my leagues. There’s an addendum to that, I picked up Campillo for my Razzball team, so now Campillo’s job is to become the worst pitcher ever.

Matt LaPorta - Was hit on the head during the Olympics and taken to the hospital where Michael Phelps performed open head surgery and now LaPorta will be fine. Phelps also made a the most delicious Dum-Dum Lollipop for LaPorta to suck on while he heals. The ingredients were two parts corn syrup, one part lepruchuan.

Evan Longoria - Rays are still saying September 1st is Longoria’s return date. On a real baseball note, the Rays seem like they’re having one of those special seasons where it doesn’t matter who gets hurt. They could fill Willy Aybar in for their 1 thru 9 hitters and it wouldn’t matter.

Al Reyes - Declined his minor league assignment and is now a free agent. Here’s some obvious speculation, Al Reyes’s new home will be with the New York Mets.

Troy Percival - Supposedly Percival will be able to return without surgery. He’s still due to miss 2-4 weeks, which in old man weeks is 4 weeks. I still like Wheeler to be the Rays closer.

John Maine - 5 scoreless innings only to have the bullpen give it away. He walked four through five innings. Against a better offense, this line may not look as good.

Jason Bay - 2 HRs and a steal. Manny who? The guy who hits a home run every game for the Dodgers. Oh, right!

Adam LaRoche - HR yesterday. 6-for-20 since returning, which for him is hot.

B.J. Upton - After being reprimanded two times prior for lack of hustle, he jogged to 2nd yesterday and was tagged out. Well, everyone knows you shouldn’t rush a B.J.

Mike Gonzalez is now the closer of the Braves. Right? Right…. Kinda. He’s going to be closing games when he’s available. Cox may take it easy on him since he’s coming back from Tommy John surgery. Gonzalez was not rushed through rehab, so that’s a good thing. Barring an injury, there’s no reason why Gonzalez can’t save 20 games this year. (<—– That’s my projections for Gonzalez.) Soriano might grab another couple and Acosta might snatch a few more. Mike Gonzalez is not some schmohawk that just turned up on the Braves roster. He was an effective closer on the Pirates. He can be again. If Ryan Franklin and Salomon Torres can earn saves, then goddamnit, so can Mike Gonzalez. Okay, now go pick him up. As if he’s still on waivers in any league.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw in fantasy baseball yesterday:

Carlos Zambrano - Left the game with an apparent injury to his shoulder. Maybe it was the 3.7 million pitches he’s thrown in the last year or two.

Jeremy Guthrie - Guess his line. Seriously. I’ll wait. *taps foot* Okay, I’ll tell you. 8 IP, 1 ER, 3 H, 1 BB, 8 Ks, no decision.

Russell Branyan - Do I have to mention him? People know what’s here, right? Three Outcome Dude — HR/K/BB.

Oliver Perez - **Writing this before the game** 6 IP, 7 Ks, 2.00 WHIP, 6.00 ERA **okay, back** I was high on Ks, but right on for IP, WHIP and ERA. I have to say, I didn’t feel confident about this one because he’s so erratic. I started him in one league where I’m hurting for pitching and now I’ve dropped him for Campillo (whose next start is against the M’s).

James Loney - Hit HR yesterday, now hitting over .390 for June. He still yawnstipates me.

Kevin Kouzmanoff - Sore back that could land him on the DL. Headley started at 3rd and hit a HR. Yo, Kouz, you’ve been Pipp’d. (Now Headley just needs to start another 2129 straight games. Just in case, we should call him Biscuit Pants.)

Barry Zito - 5 R in 2 IP.  SI.com informs us he’s not provided adequate value for his large free agent contract.  Thanks, SI.com.  I guess it could be worse - they could’ve put him on the cover and jinxed him.  That prevented a maple bat from shattering and slicing his guitar strumming hand. Hey, Zito — stubble is for winners!

Johnny Damon - He’s hitting .433 in 67 AB since June 1st. Cust kayin’.

Homer Bailey - Back to the minors. I have a vision of what I’m going to write in March of ‘09, “Don’t draft Homer Bailey. Way too risky. BTW, I love these new flying cars.”

Chase Utley - He is 0 for his last 20.  Just as disturbing, a cat in Philadelphia was left stranded in a tree as a little girl cried for help.   We still believe in ya, Chase.  It’s just a bad week, Champ, right?

Nomar Garciaparra - Hit a home run and is due to be back next week as the Dodgers SS. Sounds like everything’s going right for Nomar, but he looked glum after the game. When asked why, he said, “I forgot to make Mia lunch. She’s gonna kill me.” Aw, Nomar. That’s a sad emoticon for you.

Geovany Soto - Hitting .213 since June 1.  Next thing you know he’ll be picking a fight with Carlos Zambrano.

Hard Rock Cafe - It was announced that a Hard Rock Cafe will run a restaurant in the Yankee outfield.  Can’t wait to hear this guy jam there.

Sidney Ponson - The Yanks just signed him.  Hey Bawston, I got your Colon right here!

Cliff Lee threw nine innings of shutout ball to lower his ERA to 0.67. Seriously, he’s not Bob Gibson. He wasn’t even the best pitcher in his game last night. Shaun Marcum got him there. If someone’s buying into Lee’s early season performance, can you command a high offensive guy in a trade? You can try. His brother from another mother, Carlos Lee? Maybe. Markakis? Rios? Tex? Possibilities. This is why you have to send out feelers. Cliff Lee will be untradeable at the first sign of trouble. He doesn’t have a track record to instill much confidence. If you can’t get someone to trade Lee to right now, you have to hope he has a career year and doesn’t regress to his career norms. His peripherals all look solid, but history tells us he’s not what he’s been thus far. I would not trade for Cliff Lee (unless the owner is worried the correction is coming and wants to undersell him). Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday:

Erik Bedard - Gave up 6 ER in 2 IP. Blowing a 5 run cushion after the top half of the 1st inning. In fairness, Texas has a really deep lineup: Kinsler, Young, Hamilton, Bradley…. Um… Toby Harrah, a guy named Murphy, a Boggs that only plays like he drank 70 beers and Chuck Norris.

Eric Gagne - He pronounced himself fit to close. Other fifteen NL teams agree with him.

Alexis Rios - With Wells’s injury, he’s now batting third. But in one game yesterday, Wilkerson led off. Wilkerson was cut by a team that is starting Jose Vidro at DH.

Adam Wainwright - Co-Chief Officer of Razzball saw a blip on the radar.

Clay Buchholz - The argument over who’s better — Buchholz or Philip Hughes — rages on. Phil Hughes might take the lead soon buoyed by a stint on the DL for a fractured ERA.

John Van Benschoten - Rudy picked him up for his Razzball team. How could he not take a flier on a Pittsburgh starter with Bench in his last name? His 4 IP with 6 ER and 11 base runners were all he could’ve hoped for. Can’t wait for San Francisco to bring up their 1B prospect Bobby Easyout.

Adam Dunn - He has to be the worst RBI guy ever for a 40 HR player. Best case scenario with men in scoring position - sac fly. 5 for 29 with men in scoring position — 11Ks. Last 3 years (2005-2007), he’s hitting .236 with runners in scoring position. Someone tell Dusty that Dunn should be hitting 1st or 2nd. He’s great for OBP. Keep him out of the middle of the lineup.

Barry Zito - He got a victory against the Astros last night. A moral victory. Get the man some orange slices.

Adam LaRoche - He slumped in April like he does every year. 4 HR in last 9 games. He’s got to be available in some leagues.

Livan Hernandez - He’s 6-1. Johan Santana is 4-2. Silva and Lohse continue to get rocked. The Twins are geniuses! (It’s just a matter of time before Nick Punto explodes like Pat Neshek’s elbow.)

Dioner Navarro - Okay, I promised not to say his name again, but I keep getting questions about Johjima and Pudge. Those schmohawks should not be on a team, except in the deepest of leagues. DNV (<—-forced nickname) went three-for-three with 2 RBIs. He’s now batting .363 over 72 at-bats. Last year’s post-All-Star break numbers were 30/8/31/.285/2 in 179 at-bats. He’s only 24.

Wladimir Balentien - Mentioned two weeks ago how Rudy grabbed Wlady while I grabbed Lind, just to spread the Razzball love even though I liked Balentien more. Yeah, I should’ve just grabbed Wlad the Impaler.

Jair Jurrjens - With two outs, Freddy Sanchez got a double that scored three. It was a clutch hit, but Jurrjens looked just fine. I’m still buying.

Aaron Harang - He didn’t pitch that well, but won. See what I mean about wins. Yeah, he’s 70th and Webb’s 10th overall.

Rafael Furcal - Lands on the 15-day DL with a strained lower back. Hope Mia Hamm has a cute friend for him.

Fausto Carmona - Another guy I’m not sold on. His 18/35 K/BB is a disaster waiting to happen.

Mike Jacobs - He was supposed to be back in the lineup last Friday. Not according to me — according to the Marlins. Seriously, teams should be required to release accurate injury reports. I’m having trust issues!

Luis Castillo - Looks like he might be headed to the DL with a strained quad. Castillo has had strained quads for 6 years. That’s like putting Willie McGee on the DL for ugliness.

Josh Hamilton - He is the only player in the majors who has gotten better since he’s been off drugs.

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To help remedy this, we will try to occasionally feature locally blogged advice/insights/humor/etc. that will be fresher, more sustainable, and require less energy consumption (for us anyway).

Send tips to info@razzball.com. Enjoy…

Drunk Jays Fans and Tao of Stieb - Did you think that Yanks and Sawx blogs had the monopoly on AL East expletive-laded rants about their team? Think again, you fuckin’ hoser! Local POV on Wells’ injury, J.P. the GM, David Eckstein (Tao has some great nicknames for him), the resurrection of Eric Hinske, and the 2008 Jays season.

The Nationals Enquirer - Looks like Ryan Zimmerman has joined us and Philip Hughes in the blog world. According to Nationals Enquirer, his hitting has improved since he started the blog. I’m not surprised as I’m having a career softball season this Spring after starting to write for this blog. (Someone send a memo to Barry Zito). I just hope blogging doesn’t hurt Ryan’s wrist like Guitar Hero hurt Joel Zumaya’s forearm.

Sons of Steve Garvey - This well-manned Dodger blog calls out the dead weight in the LA Dodger outfield. Hint: it’s not the one with the Frenchy last name…

Sliding Into Home - Does it make you an old fart if you think Joba Chamberlain shouldn’t celebrate after striking out a schlub like David Delucci? Sure feels like it. FYI, Grey and I like to chest bump after a particularly good blog post.

Sox Machine - A White Sox fan ponders the future of Gavin Floyd - unstoppable force for good or unsustainable good fortune?