Fantasy Baseball Advice

Derrek Lee went 2-for-4 with 3 RBIs and two homers as he continues to get medieval on pitching, which isn’t an old crack, though it could be.  I appreciate the Pirates trying to make moves at the trading deadline, but their moves were kinda of the “We’re gonna make moves so it seems like we’re doing something, but we’re just gonna grab guys like Ludwick” variety.  No one really thinks Ludwick and Lee were the vital pieces, right?  As for the Indians, I thought they’d go the Ludwick-type trade route too, but they actually made much stronger moves.  No, this doesn’t have much to do with fantasy, but we do still actually watch baseball, right?  It’s not just a game played between the fantasy lines on your computer screen, is it?  Now to begin the slideshow — sorry, thought I was writing that crizzap for Bleacher Report.  What a POS content farm.  Seriously, if I ever see Bleacher Report hanging out with eHow one night after a few daiquiris, it could get ugly.  Wow, that was a huge aside. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Rubby de la Rosa – To the DL with a sprained ulnar collateral ligament.  Oh no, collateral damage!  Yeah, that’s not good.  Overall, it’s been a bad year to be a de la Rosa.  Wilkin, you better watch your back.  Or Dane de la Rosa.  Or Ruben de la Rosa.  Or Rafael, Carlos, Alexis, Maikel and Yunior de la Rosa, to name only the first nine I found at baseball-reference.  Quite the de la Rosa renaissance.  I’m beginning to think that scouts in Latin America are getting paid off by matriarch, Esmeralda de la Rosa.  “Have you seen my boy, Tomas de la Rosa?  No?  Okay, first you have dessert then we go see him.”

Asdrubal Cabrera – 3-for-5 with 2 homers.  A’la Cher from Clueless, “AS-drubal!”  Speaking of surnames, it’s quite a battle for the most productive Cabrera between Miggy, Asdrubal and Melky.  If you took the 5 million to 1 Vegas odds for Melky being the best Cabrera this year, you’re a lot closer than anyone could’ve thought in March.

Barry Zito – Back to the DL.  I.e., baked Zito.

Freddy Sanchez – Undergoing season-ending season to repair his labrum.  You can only lose your virginity once, Freddy.  Sorry…

Jonathan Sanchez – Filthy Sanchez is set to start on Friday vs. the Phils.  If he can work around Phil Jackson, Donahue and Spector, he should be safe to start.  I’d grab Filthy if someone dropped him while he was rehabbing for what felt like four months.  He’s always good for those delicious Ks (and tying his owners to the WHIPping post).

Matt Cain – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 11 baserunners, 5 Ks.  I liked him better when he was outperforming his FIP.  That’s what she said!  No, she probably didn’t because only three nerdheads in The Missouri Bootheel even know what FIP is and they don’t talk to girls.

Cory Luebke – 7 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks.  He should’ve chewed up the Dodgers and spit out a 7 IP, 3 ER start.  This is coming after a most unimpressive 6 IP, 4 ER.  But — and unless you’re an alien there’s also a but — his WHIP is below one still.  You have to remain patient for at least one more start.

Jesus Guzman – 6 for his last 11.  Kyle Blanks — hype!  Anthony Rizzo — hype!  Yet, Jesus is the only one doing work (though not carpentry).

Paul Goldschmidt – 1-for-4 with a single.  Now you must be happy you stashed him in June.

Trevor Cahill – 4 IP, 7 ER.  When pitchers I don’t like perform badly, it actually doesn’t make me the least bit happy.  Of course, I’m joking.  Schadenfreude!

Coco Crisp – 2-for-4 with, like, his 12th steal in the past three days.  I’m only sorta joking.  He has 6 steals in 3 days.  Now I’m being cerealious.

Shin-Soo Choo – Will take BP this week.  Where is he taking them?  To the Gulf to see what they did… Oh, batting practice!  Gotcha.

Bud Norris – Left yesterday’s start with a blister on his finger.  It’s something to watch.  Not literally, unless you’re in the same room as him.  And, even if you are, it’s impolite to stare.

Mark Melancon – 2 IP lowering his ERA to 2.98 and the win because the Astros don’t need that albatross Hunter Pence!

Matt Holliday – 2-for-3 with a homer.  I’ve been so busy underreporting Lance Berkman and Justin Verlander that I think I actually have underreported Matt Holliday.  He hit his 15th homer yesterday to go along with his zero steals.  Who are you, Andre Ethier?  That’s a whole lot of name value right now and not so much fantasy.

Jhoulys Chacin – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Sonavabench!  Sure, can’t throw a good start for weeks then you get murderer’s row plus Pence and hold them to one run.  Of course you do.

Clay Buchholz – Shut it down, ‘holz.  He’s about to.  Sounds like Buchhurtz is done for the year.

Jason Kipnis – 3-for-5 with his 2nd homer in as many games.  You, “Grey, Schumaker or Kipnis?” What I read, “Hmm… Should you pick up the old guy who’s hitting or the young guy with all the upside that’s hitting?”  I tell you Kipnis.  You, “Thanks!” What I read, “Nice ‘stache.”

Lucas Duda – 1-for-4 with a homer.  Duda’s done doodie since I put him in Friday’s Buy, but this could be the start of something.

Omar Infante – 3-for-5, Bonifacio must’ve passed the conch shell to his teammate because Infante has now hit in nine of ten games and is hitting near .375 in that span.

Mike Stanton – 2-for-5 with the grand slam off Izzy.  Anyone who hasn’t seen Stanton hit a ball, they should watch it some time.  He looks like the superhero, Blok.

Javier Vazquez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks.  I’m pretty sure Vazquez and Liriano are conspiring against me like they’re Sean Penn in The Game.

Josh Johnson – Will resume throwing on Tuesday because he was shutdown last week and that’s what pitchers who like getting repeatedly hurt do.  They throw after they’re shutdown.  This should end well.

Jarrod Saltalamacchia – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs. Hit a broken bat homer yesterday, which would be impressive for most, but his bat is an extra 18 letters long.

It’s a confusing week for me to grasp. Some formats are a short week, others role on until literally the middle (or end) of next week. So first things first, I will tackle the short 4 game week and give you some unbridled gems of the streaming variety. Stay tuned on Saturday for the following week’s two start thinga-ma-bobbers.  If this is a short week for you, it’s prolly best to grab as many of these guys as possible, longer week not so much as you may want to call Laurel and tell him to take a breather. So enjoy the short week or long and I will give you an update later this week for week 15 ½ or 16. (Please keep in mind that pitchers and matchups change.)

7/14
Bruce Chen @ Min (Liriano) – 2.50 ERA since DL stint return. Is the definition of a streaky low end good/bad pitcher.

Jason Vargas vs. Tex (Holland) – Basically needs to go the distance to have a chance at a win. 1.70 ERA in last 4 starts.

Aaron Harang vs. SF (Bumgarner) – The primate in the zoo, Hodgepadre indeed.

7/15
Andrew Miller @ TB (Price) – 4 starts, 3 wins plays for the best lineup in baseball. That is all.

Doug Fister vs. Tex (Lewis) – Gets zero run support. I really feel bad for him because if you haven’t seen him pitch, he is very unheralded and unrewarded.

Jeff Karstens @ Hou (Myers) – Is he awesome, no. Effective lately yes. Regression will ensue.

Josh Tomlin @ Bal (Arrieta) – Sneaky 10 win pitcher, other numbers say he is pitching exactly the way he should be.

Vance Worley @ NYM (Dickey) – Awesome since mid-June. If he isn’t owned, your league is dull.

7/16
Paul Maholm @ Hou (Norris) – 4-2 with a 1.75 ERA in last 7 starts. For the soon to be first place Pirates.

Barry Zito @ SD (Luebke) – 3 wins, tiny ERA since DL return.

Edwin Jackson @ Det (Scherzer) – Huh, yeah I wanted to highlight that this will be his last start in Chi-town. That’s me predicting me!

Carlos Zambrano vs. Fla (Vazquez) – Fresh from the DL, seems like a trend for this post. Pitches just effectively enough to be added/dropped about 10 times a year. Ah, but look closer, he has RP elig, sneaky play for a Saturday.

7/17
Chris Volstad @CHC (Wells) – Stop trying to strike everyone out, you’re a groundball pitcher.

Matt Harrison @ Sea (Beavan) – Seattle O is good twice a week.  Coincidentally, that’s how much my garbage is picked up.

Brian Duensing vs. KC (Paulino) – Sneaky good lately, here for the added eligibility.

Kevin Correia @ Hou (Rodriquez) – Is money on the road.

Master Standings are here.

The tight battle continues at the top of the standings, with 6 teams totaling 105 or more points. The Pesky Pole Dancers (Trippin’ Baseballs) held on to first place, gaining 3 points to 112. The Dancers made 2 moves, replacing Jose Tabata and Ike Davis with Jason Kubel and Cory Luebke.  Luebke was added in most leagues, and provided 6 scoreless innings and a win. He is currently owned in 31 of the 38 RCLs.

Buchz and Dunn (Too Drunk To Call a Cabrera) jumped 4 points to 110, and moved into second. Better Lucky Than Good (Partially Torn RCL) also gained 4, and now sits in 3rd place with 107 points. Random ItalicizedVoice (RCL 5), THE VILLE AL KOHOLIC A (ECFBL), That’s a shame (The Dread Pirate Rides Again), Buc Lover (Sonic Death Monkey), and Cooperstown SchMohawks (Slam and Legs Special) round out the teams that have at least 100 points.

Ham Porter (RCL 17) jumped from 57 points to 70, and moved up from 304th to 185th in the standings.

The ECFBL joins The Dread Pirate Rides Again and RCL 5 as the most competitive leagues with an index of 103.

In individual leagues, the average lead atop the standings is just under 10 points. There are 13 leagues where the lead is under 5, and 9 more under 10. There are 4 leagues where the lead is at least 20, with Buc Lover (Sonic Death Monkey) having the biggest lead at 26. In Razzy Number 13, there are 6 teams within 9 points of Casey Crotchman, who lead with 77 points.

Here are the category leaders (average) for the season:

Runs:  Pesky Pole Dancers (1st) 648 (515)
HR:  Lazy Sunday (26th) 173 (122)
RBI:  Bloomington Psychotoad (48th) 601 (493)
SB:  Team Musz (334th) 142 (89)
Ave:  Roid Rage (94th) .288 (.263)
K: Mister Met (268th) 899 (662)
Wins:  Baltimore Domination (67th) 72 (47)
Saves:  Better Lucky Than Good (3rd) 108 (49)
ERA:  Team ryanshea (91st) 2.70 (3.58)
WHIP: Broth’s Bombers (137th) 1.06 (1.23)

The strikeout leader, Mister Met (RCL 33) has used 163 of the 180 allowable pitching starts. Baltimore Domination (Matthew Berry is a Tool), the Wins leader, has 53 starts left.  The season is 52.7% complete, which would equate to around 95 starts used and 85 left. Currently, the team average is 104 starts used.

There was a big trade in the ECFBL Sunday. Evil Evies sent Justin Upton to Retro Vertigo for Albert Pujols and Daniel Hudson. With rumors that Pujols will return today, this could turn out to be a major coup for the Evies. In all, there were 8 trades in the past week, including Shane Victorino for Cole Hamels, Carlos Pena for Heath Bell, and Zack Greinke for Jaime Garcia.

Jose Reyes – He was the 3rd SS taken in most drafts, but he has been 1 of the top fantasy performers. In the RCLs his ADP was 28.6. Irish Whiskey (RCL 5) took him the earliest, at number 18. LOBSTER COLA (Razzbawl 36) was lucky enough to get him with the 40th pick. He is currently hitting .354 with 30 steals. He has 3 home runs and 32 RBI with 65 runs scored.

Troy Tulowitzki – Tulo has provided decent numbers with 17 home runs and 57 RBI. He is hitting .271 with 44 runs and 6 stolen bases. With an ADP of 7.9 though, owners are hoping for another monster finish.

Eric Thames – Off to a great start(14 for 38, 9 runs, 3 home runs) in his second stint in the majors, he is currently owned in 4.9% of ESPN leagues and 22 of 38 (57.9) RCLs.

Travis Snider – Hit 3 doubles with 2 RBI in his first game back from the minors, and has been scooped up by 30 RCL teams.

Phil Hughes – Due to return from the DL on Wednesday, he is currently on 26 RCL rosters.

Vance Worley – In the last couple weeks, he has 2 wins with 15 Ks in 20 innings and an ERA of 0.45, but is owned in only 5 RCLs.

Barry Zito – With 4 Ks in 13 IP, he is not exciting anyone despite 2 wins and a 1.38 ERA. He is on 1 RCL roster.

Brian Duensing – Also on 1 RCL team, Duensing has 2 wins and 15 strikeouts in his last 3 starts with an ERA of 2.18.

Mark Ellis – Hitting .444 with 2 home runs in 4 games with Colorado, and has 2B eligibility. He is available in 26 RCLs.

Joe Nathan reclaimed his closer job this year but was missing something, consistently putting his team behind the 8-ball, so the Twins shifted to CAPPS.  On March 25th, I said this about the Matt Capps and Taipei Slinko shituation, “Here’s what I see happening.  Nathan gets torched and Capps saves a few games while Nathan works things out.  Then Nathan returns, gets torched again and, finally, the Twins send him to the Disgraceful List.”  And that’s me quoting me!  Right now, we’re at the point where Nathan’s off to work things out.  I don’t think this ends well for Nathan.  Someone in the Twins organization should’ve stepped forward and said, “Hey, Taipei, you’re a gamer in the non-nerd way, we appreciate that.  No one likes nerds — the candy or otherwise.  But, listen to me, you’re rushing yourself back.  Chillax!  Go get a Jamba Juice, enjoy some me time and let’s take it slow with your recovery.”  But, well, that didn’t happen.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Brian Duensing – 7 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks.  He’s a Duensing machine!  Would I pick him up in certain deep leagues?  Yes, but I don’t trust him.

Chris Young – To the DL.  He’d be a Bennis Carpensheeter if he had better game or less gams.

Grady Sizemore – Member in 2009 when his injuries started?  Of course you don’t, that’s why I’m here.  He hit a home run the day before he went to the DL.  Then returned and hit a homer in his 2nd game back.  Then variations of bupkis for two years, so don’t overrate his homer in his first game back.  It’s nice and all but if you think he’s back for good, you’re only fooling yourself.  And when you’re fooling yourself, you make a fool out of ING, or whatever that cliche is.

Carlos Santana – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer as he bats .196.  Might be a day late and a dollar short for this, but, even though I wasn’t a huge fan of Supernatural in the preseason, he’s only going to get better.  I.e., Buy low.  (BTW, Santana’s been crizzap, Choo is batting .214 and Sizemore just returned to the lineup, yet the Indians are 11-4.  Quick, someone wake up the Comatose Indians Fan.)

Travis Hafner – 2-for-3 and his 4th homer.  I don’t buy a resurgence here.  If you pick him up, you’re getting Pronk’d.

Fausto Carmona – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Control-Alt-Ignore.

Jhoulys Chacin – Complete game shutout on Friday.  I kinda love Chacin and his 150-point-in-Scrabble first name.  To misquote the most overrated group of all-time, don’t hide your love of Chacin away.

Roy Oswalt – Good news from the Oswalt camp, which is group of twelve guys who look like Ralph from Survivor living in the Ozarks without running water, he should make his next start.

Charlie Morton – Sonavabench!  Complete game on Friday with the only blemish being Jay Bruce’s homer.  Double sonavabench!  It’s raining sonavabenches!  Someone make the sonavabenches stop.  Please!

Andrew McCutchen – 3-for-3 with his 3rd homer.  I said in the preseason that The Dread Pirate was Crawford two rounds later.  Luckily, he’s been nothing like Crawford.

Jose Tabata – I’ll take a coffee with three creamers, tomahto juice, but I don’t want just any tomahto juice, I want Mr and Mrs. T’s Bloody Mary mix and, finally, a slam and legs.  Thank you.

Edinson Volquez – 5 2/3 IP, 6 ER, 11 baserunners, 6 Ks with four first inning runs.  Seriously, have Cordero start Edinson’s games.

Jay Bruce – 4-for-5 yesterday and his 2nd homer since I told you on Friday to buy him.

Jonny Gomes – Yesterday, hit his 6th homer, third this weekend and a lot more homers than that other guy you have on your team.  Yeah, him.  And him too.

Phil Hughes – In what I believe is our first case of the Disgraceful List this year.  You gotta be pretty terrible to get put on the Disgraceful List this quickly.  Let’s see what I said in January about Hughes, “Know when I’m going to draft Phil Hughes?  After he’s traded away from the Yankees.  Nothing personal.  He just had the 2nd worst fly ball rate in the majors and he plays in The House They Built Next To The House That Ruth Built.  Just can’t draft that headache.”  And that’s me copying and pasting me!  So who you blaming for drafting Hughes?  You ain’t blaming me.  Blame that Best Buy salesman that knew nothing about the TV you wanted to purchase.  Blame the barista that left no room for milk.  Blame your 7th grade teacher for making you stay after and saying that you and him had chemistry.  Just don’t blame me.  Know who else you can’t blame?  Rudy.  He put him on his risky pitcher list.  If you drafted Hughes, to quote the airplane version of one of the best movies of all time, Menace II Society, “You done messed up. You know that, right?”  To quote the TV-edited version of yourself, “I HAVE HAD IT WITH THIS MONKEY FIGHTIN’ HUGHES!”

Chad Billingsley – 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 11 Ks.  I really needed this start from Bills on so many teams.  I love you, Bills.  Write back soon!

Ryan Franklin – 4th blown save and has an ERA of 11.57.  Can’t spell Franklin without FAIL.  La Russa should replace Franklin with Motte or Mitchell Boggs, CPA.  Probably in reverse order.  Now whether La Russa does this is anyone’s guess.  On Saturday, La Russa said, Franklin is our closer and now excuse me while I go feed my scarf.

Andres Torres – To the DL.  In a day when I feel the need to bathe myself in my prescience, here’s what I said about Torres in January, “On one hand, you want to believe Torres’ 2010 was fluke.  On the other hand, you think he can repeat.  On a third hand that is actually just a foot wearing a mitten, you don’t know what to make of Torres’ last year.  I hear you, loyal Razzball reader.  It’s a pickle, I tell ya.  Here’s my take, Torres has 10+ homer power and 25+ steal speed but he’s also injury prone.  It’s one of the reasons why he’s so old and just now bursting on the scene.  I’d pay for Torres as a fourth outfielder, then pray he stays healthy.”  And that’s me stroking me!  Yeah, Torres didn’t stay healthy and there’s no guarantee he will when he returns.  That’s his problem…And yours if you drafted him.

Barry Zito – Headed to the DL.  That’s a baked Zito.

Brandon Belt – Andrew Baggarly, the San Jose Mercury reporter that sounds like a Charles Dickens character, thinks Belt has until April 26th to do something.  With Belt’s talent, I’m willing to hold him for another week plus to see if he can get comfortable in the majors.  Loosen up, Belt!

Alex Rodriguez – Scratched on Sunday due to back tightness.  See, I usually do that for back itchiness.

Jake Peavy – Will return in about a week and a half.  If he’s unowned in your league, pick him up and then pray to your deity of choice he stays healthy.

Michael Pineda – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Now has a 2.33 ERA.  Guess I should’ve went with him instead of F-Her.  Sweet.

Dallas Braden – Has a shoulder issue and thinks he’ll miss his next start.  I look forward to not seeing that.

Frank Francisco – Will return on Tuesday, but it sounds like Frank² won’t get the job back immediately.  We saw Frank² not get the closer job back immediately last year and he never got it back.  I’d hold Rauch and Francisco for now.

Johnny Damon – His bruised finger is very sore.  Sounds like he might be throwing a *pinkie to mouth* splint finger.

Starlin Castro – 7 for his last 9.  I lurve him.

Jair Jurrjens – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks on Saturday.  Meesa tinks Jar-Jar pitched well.  Meesa does not anticipate that’s foreshadowing for future performance.

Tommy Hanson – 5 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks.  I’m such a K whore I’d take one of these Hanson starts over two of his 7 IP, 2 ER, 3 K ones.

Jason Heyward – 2-for-4, his 4th homer and he batted 2nd while McLouth phoned 2008 to find out where his talent went.

Yovani Gallardo – 5 1/3 IP, 7 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks.  I’m not gonna freak out unless his next start is poor, as well.  Now let me go cry into a pint of Clusterfluff ice cream.

Carl Crawford – 0-for-4, batting .127 with 3 runs and 1 RBI on the year.  After the game, he burned over your wedding video with a sex tape of your sister, just to make his season stats seem better by comparison.

Hold on one second, I’m breathing in that New Season Smell.  Hmm, actually I just smell a small gas leak.  Here’s hoping I make it through this post!  Baseball:  you make me feel like the only girl in the world!  Sticks and stones may break my bones but Ks and WHIPs excite me!  Okay, I lost my shizz there for a second.  I’m as excited as you, see?  Of course you do, unless you’re having your old lady read this to you.  Still, don’t overrate one day of stats.  Jeff Mathis will not bat .500 with 162 homers, Matt Holliday will not knock in 324 runs while helping Tony La Russa save stray kittens and Alex Gordon, who went 0-for-5, will not hit .000… Well, actually that might happen.  We’re only one game in.  Please keep shizz in perspective.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Matt Capps – Twins announced that Matt Capps will share in the save opportunities.  Or Capportunities.

Russell Martin – 1-for-3 and a steal of third.  He hadn’t exerted so much effort getting to 3rd base since he caught Alyssa Milano on the rebound.

Curtis Granderson – 1-for-3, HR and he robbed a double by Brandon Inge aka Big Mike’s brother.

Tim Stauffer - 6 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Is that a Hodgepadre acting like a Road Scholar?  Not entirely.  Don’t take this the wrong way because I do like Stauffer a lot, but this wasn’t as nice a start as his ERA shows.  I’d still only start him at home for now.

Orlando Hudson – 0-for-2, Hit third for the Padres.  That’s not a compliment for Hudson, that’s an indictment of the Padres.

Justin Verlander – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks.  I think this might’ve been Verlander’s best game ever for the first month of the season.  Not even being sarcastic.

Austin Jackson – 1-for-4, 3 Ks.  Wouldn’t surprise me to see him K 170 times and hit .250.  Take from that what you will.

Yovani Gallardo – 6 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks.  More than happy with this start.  @CIN is probably the third worst start after @COL and @PHI.  Assuming there’s no games @MOON.

Carlos Gomez – 1-for-4, and the first slam & legs of the season.  Message to all teams with underperforming CFs.  Pick up Nyjer Morgan and it’ll scare them straight.

Rickie Weeks – 2-for-5, HR.  He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell, but he could be.  Wink, wink, nudge, nudge, turkey gobble.

John Axford – Blows a save in as painful a way as possible — 4 runs including a 3-run dinger to Ramon ‘The Prospblock’ Hernandez.  Trevor Hoffman is probably experiencing flashbacks from last year.  Takashi Saito would be the speculative handcuff.

Edinson Volquez – 6 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks.  More like Volqueef.  Gotta stay patient here.  One game.  Yadda³.

Drew Stubbs – 2-for-5, HR.  The King of the Slam & Legs went without a steal yesterday, but those things will come.  Doode’s fast.  (<–illuminating!)  BTW, Stubbs went to UT and Rudy is living in Austin so at a Reds spring training game we were at, Rudy screamed to Stubbs, who was three feet away, “Hook ‘em horns!”  Stubbs didn’t even look.  Then Rudy yelled it again.  Still nothing.  Was like that Tom Hanks/Jon Lovitz SNL sketch.  Rudy’s eyebrows do come together in the most unappealing way.

Pablo Sandoval – 1-for-3.  Sandoval’s dropped a few pant sizes and lineup spots.  Honestly, I’d rather a fat Panda hitting 3rd-5th than a skinny one hitting 8th.  He’ll be hungry…..for Runs and RBIs!

Clayton Kershaw – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks.  He looks so much better than Lincecum, in both a straight and gay way.

Ryan Franklin – Blew the save as he gave up a homer to Cameron Maybin.  I’ve gone on the record as saying that Motte will be closing games by the end of the year.

Albert Pujols – 3 GIDPs and a pop-up with a man on 3rd and one out.  That’s it.  We waited 10 years to get him in a draft (NL LABR) and this is what we get.  Poo-holes!

Cameron Maybin – 2-for-5 with a homer then he hurt his leg.  The universe just won’t let him break out.

Erick Aybar – 1-for-4 as he hit 6th, which makes sense if you’re a Sciosciapath.

Fernando Rodney – Got the ugly save.  The Angels pen didn’t look so hot and that was before they even got to the closer that deserves no respect.

Jeff Francoeur – Frenchy homered and threw out a man at home.  It’s Bastille Day!

Darwin Barney – Won the 2nd base job in Chicago.  I grabbed him in one NL-Only league, but there I’m really just hoping for everyday ABs.  I’d expect numbers that make Crapolanco look spectaculanco.  BTW, could anyone love dinosaurs more than Darwin Barney?

Mike Morse – 0-for-4.  Wanna say, “Okay, it’s one game.  Don’t overreact.  Stroke your ‘stache and calm yourself.”  But, guys (and three girl readers), righty pitchers look like they’ve already decoded Morse.

Melky Cabrera – 3-for-4, but as frequent commenter GopherDay said yesterday in the comments, “I’ve figured out why the Royals picked Melky over Cain for the CF job.  They want to fill M. Cabrera into their scorecard and dream.”

Craig Kimbrel – Member all that talk about a Venters timeshare?  Kimbrel faced two lefties in the ninth for the save.  Oh, and he was nasty.  Sorry, need the hyphen.  Nas-tee.  Will be this year’s Marmol.

Nate McLouth – 0-for-4.  Good to see McLousy pick up where he left off.  I give him until May until he’s in a blahtoon.

Jason Heyward – 1-for-2 and the first player to hit a homer in his first at-bat two seasons in a row, according to Elias Sports Bureau.  Actually, they didn’t say that, but here’s something that was overheard at the Elias compound on Opening Day.  Bob in Human Resources, “This is the 20th year I’ve worked with all of you nerds and I hate every single one of you.”

Barry Zito – Was in a car accident.  Ironically, watching him pitch is like a car wreck.  Zito must’ve had the Jack Johnson music too loud.  I’m so mellow…I see the red light as yellow.