Fantasy Baseball Advice

I already put my feet on your coffee table while typing up my notes on the September call-up hitters and September call-up pitchers.  Oh, and I didn’t use a coaster for my forty of Colt 45.  Natch!  Not too many surprises in the call-ups.  The peasant Royals are dragging their feet on Mike Moustakas, not calling him up.  What else is new?  Carlos Carrasco was called up and got the start.  Go Indians, it’s your birthday.  I’ll get to Carrasco later on.  I’ll fill in a Mad Libs blurb for Wilson Ramos’ call up.  I’ll even go over J.P. Arencibia in this post.  But who I’m really pumped about getting recalled?  Brandon Allen, the wholesale home run king.  His homers are innnnnnsane!  In Triple-A, he hit 25 homers and .261 with 14 steals.  If you ever saw this kid play, you’d know why I’m so excited.  If you ever saw Kid ‘n Play, you’re awesome.  Yesterday, Brandon Allen hit a grand slam.  Allen can hit 30 homers in the majors right now.  He rocks a solid OBP.  He can chuck in a few steals.  Yes, I love this guy.  In NL-Only and keeper leagues, I’d grab him right now.  In mixed leagues, if you need power, I’d grab Allen if you can bench him on occasion if he doesn’t start.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Psyche!  Before I get into the roundup, we’re giving some love to those of you who are married with a kid or two and risk your wife’s scorn to visit the site.  Here’s a ‘Back to School’ contest where you can win $10,000.  If you win, that’s got to be good for 6 months of non-porn surfing immunity, right?  No, next week I won’t be trying to sell you BRAND NEW ROLECKS (sic) that I won in a Nigerian lottery.  Don’t be so smart.  This was done as a favor to an unnamed contributor.  Anyway II, here’s the roundup:

Barry Enright – 7 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Uncle Barry now has 8 quality starts in his last nine.  He gets the Giants next.  Yes, pick him up.

Ricky Nolasco – The Palm Beach Post, a paper that is packed full of early bird coupons for seniors, announced that Nolasco will get shut down.

Mike Stanton – 2-for-5 with his 15th homer.  I think it might’ve been his first hit since July, but don’t hold me to that.  Stanton looks very streaky in the first months of his career, so he might now go on a 10 homer in 10 game stretch.

Cameron Maybin – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer this week.  My old fave might be finally hitting his stride in the major leagues.  Stay tuned!  Or not, your choice.

Matt Lindstrom – Back from back problems (say that fast 117 times!).  He worked middle relief yesterday and Lyon’s been great in his stead so Lindstrom may not see saves immediately.  After a few appearances by Lindstrom to get back up to speed, they may share saves going forward.  “You want this save?”  “No, you take it.”  “No, you.”  “I’ll take it.”  “Who are you?”  “Wilton Lopez.”  “We don’t know you.”

Nelson Figueroa – 5 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 1 K.  He hasn’t given up more than 2 earned runs in his last four starts.  That’s nice, he’s also 36 years old.  (And he was born on Reggie Jackson’s birthday and my dog’s “I’m not just playing dead, I’m actually dead” day.)  Nelson Figueroa and Dennis Quaid should get together for The Rookie II:  The Winter Leagues.

Hunter Pence – 2-for-2, 3 RBIs and the delicious slam & legs.  Quietly having a decent year.  I wouldn’t mind owning him somewhere.  Hey, I got HP Envy.

Carlos Carrasco – 7 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  I’m a fan of Carrasco… If he were on a different team.  If you can start a rookie Indians pitcher in September, nice huevos but I think they might be contaminated.

Jordan Brown – 1-for-4, 1 RBI with the start as LaPorta nurses his hip.  Wubba Wubba Wubba!  It’s Downtown Jordan Brown!  I’ve seen Brown compared to Sean Casey, and that’s not for his conversation skills.  I wouldn’t look at Brown outside of very deep AL-Only leagues.

Chris Sale – Got the save yesterday.  Jenks had worked a few days in a row, so I wouldn’t read too much into this, even if it does appear to be a fire sale on White Sox relievers.  Or is it a *pinkie to mouth* hire Sale?  Then again, you never know with Ozzie.  After each game, Ozzie, Ken Williams and Sharon Osbourne sit at a panel to judge each reliever.  Sharon because she’s used to insane Ozzies.

Manny Ramirez – 1-for-3 in his White Sox debut where he batted fifth and pushed Quentin to the bench.  I think Quentin will still get his ABs.  Andruw Jones really shouldn’t.  Oh, and I’d take live Strasburg on the toilet coverage compared to what ESPN is now doing with Manny.  Guy’s pretty irrelevant at this point, do we really need non-stop Manny coverage?

J.P. Arencibia – DH’d last night (0-for-4), but I’m not confident that arrangement is going to last.  Without an everyday job, he’s not much use for you outside of AL-Only, two catcher or keeper leagues.  In related news, Buck hit a homer yesterday.

Sean Rodriguez – 3-for-3 with a homer and steal.  He has 9 homers, 11 steals and a .264 average in 299 ABs.  I kinda wish they went with him all year instead of Zobrist.  Would’ve been nice to see what he could’ve done.

Desmond Jennings – 0-for-3 as the Rays inserted him right into the two hole (not that two hole, silly).  Zobrist took the bench yesterday.  If you need steals in mixed leagues, you’ll want to add Jennings right now, just in case he sees more ABs than I think he will.  He will definitely see time in the final week of the season when the Rays have their playoff slot locked up.

Freddie Freeman – 0-for-3 as he got called up and the start.  I don’t think today’s start is any indication of playing time.  Grab Freeman in NL-Only and keeper leagues.  In redraft leagues, I wouldn’t bother unless Lee gets hurt.  Though, like Jennings, if the Braves wrap up a playoff spot, Freeman could see time at the end of the year.

Tommy Hanson – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners (1 Hit), 3 Ks vs. the Mets.  Spoiler Alert!  In this afternoon’s borderline starter post, I mention how the Mets are the 2nd worst offense since the All-Star Break.  Brand new Mets, same as the old mess.

Roy Oswalt – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks.  He only gave up one hit to go with 6 walks as he did a better impersonation of Clayton Kershaw than Clayton.

Cliff Lee – Received an injection in his back to relieve some lower back pressure.  The problem late Lee has been stiff Lee?  Supposed Lee.  He says he should make his next start.  I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s bumped a day or two.

Mitch Moreland – Now has two homers in two games.  Cantu will steal time from him vs. lefties and he hasn’t hit for much of anything average-wise lately, but it looks like Moreland’s hot.

Jose Reyes – I read he took BP.  Where, to see the fish they’re killing?  Oh, batting practice!  Yeah, Reyes said he might be able to play this weekend.

Tom Gorzelanny – Last week one of my borderline starters on the Pirates was injured by a comebacker.  This week the Pirates injured Gorzelanny with a comebacker.  I sure hope no one finds out I’m the puppet master behind all of this.  Hmm… Maybe I shouldn’t have mentioned that.  Okay, move on to the next blurb now.

Brett Anderson – 6 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. the Yankees.  Was kinda surprised to see Anderson not owned in 100% of ESPN leagues.  He should be.

Kevin Kouzmanoff – Hit his third homer this week.  Still having a hard time recommending him, but you can take my non-committal recommendation as a recommendation.

Francisco Liriano – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. Max Scherzer’s 9 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Why don’t any of my leagues award no decisions?  I pillaged some seriously good people in a former life for the win karma I have.

Wilson Ramos – Ivan Rodriguez strikes me as a guy who won’t want to take a seat very often for some rookie upstart.  *while chomping a cigar* Yeah, I’m Pudge, see.  And I don’t take no seat for no kid. *removing the cigar*  On a side note, my Pudge nickname wasn’t always ironic.  So in NL-Only keepers, grab Ramos if you must, but unless he’s playing every day, there’s not much here.

Nyjer Morgan – Didn’t you think Nyjer was a good guy up until about two weeks ago when he threw a baseball at a fan?  I love this heel turn.  Too bad Tito Santana had the last laugh.  I mean, Gaby Sanchez.  Hehe, you got hit by a guy with a girl’s name!

Yonder Alonso – Young man, there’s a place you can go.   I said, young man–  Wait, was I typing that?  Alonso’s another great future prospect that you can read about at my call-ups post.  This year, he has no playing time.  I’m sure December Grey will go over all of these guys for 2011.

Aroldis Chapman – 1 IP and his first win.  I imagine it’ll be easy for hitters when they are seeing him more than once in a game.  Right now, I’ll be shocked when someone gets a hit off him.  Call his fastball The Keyser Soze because he throws it and…  Poof, it’s gone.

Last week our borderline fantasy starters, I came away with an 3.95 ERA.  Not too shabby considering two of those earned runs came from Ross Ohlendorf, who I warned you to only start in extreme circumstances, and Travis Wood got absolutely rocked for 7 earned runs.  Without those two, the ERA was 2.90 in 62.1 IP.  There were also 62 Ks with 6 Wins.  To recap, these aren’t guys I’d drop anyone worthwhile to get, these starters are meant for streaming purposes and all of their ownership in ESPN is under 50%.  These streamers are listed alphabetically.  Anyway, here’s some borderline starters for this week in fantasy baseball:

Friday, August 27th

Barry Enright – Hey, ya’ll!  It’s Uncle Barry Enright.  Hey, Uncle Barry, good luck in your game vs. the Giants, and please stop touching me there.

Nelson Figueroa – I went to school with a Nelson Figueroa.  He was a midget.  Don’t think it’s the same guy.  Not a great kickoff to the streaming post, but Figueroa has a 2.25 ERA with 15 Ks in his last 16 IP.

Saturday, August 28th

Nick Blackburn – He’s dazzlingly bad, but he gets the Mariners who are slightly worse.  In most leagues, because of his lack of Ks, it’s thans, but no thans.

Joe Blanton – Is in Petco.  Yes, that’s all you need to know.

Jon Garland – See 1/8th of an inch above.

Daniel Hudson – I’m guessing at some point his ownership will move up to normal levels, but, for now, here ya go.

Sunday, August 29th

R.A. Dickey – Was a bit surprised to see him owned in so few leagues.  I don’t trust knuckleballers, but he gets the Astros in his next start.

Jason Hammel – Has a 3.36 ERA at home this year and gets a team (Dodgers) that he’s owned in his career.  Hopefully he can settle that with Jamie and Frank McCourt.

Bud Norris – Goes to Metco.  You’re not going to get Wins, but you will get Ks.

Clayton Richard – Hodgepadre.

Monday, August 30th

Jorge de la Rosa – Solid vs. the Giants and they’re in AT&T Park (is that still the name of it?).

Jake Westbrook – Last week I said something along the lines of, feel free to ignore this recommendation.  And that’s me paraphrasing me!

Carlos Zambrano – If I come out of this day without recommending a real clunker, I’d be surprised. FWIW, Big Z gets the Pirates.

Tuesday, August 31st

Brian Duensing – Has like twenty quality starts in a row!  (The preceding was a small exaggeration, but Duensing has been good outside of his last game in Arlington, which you can’t blame on him.)

Mike Minor – Back in the rotation to go against the Mets.

Wednesday, September 1st

Tom Gorzelanny – Goes against the Pirates, who are marginally better vs. lefties, but, in the end, they are still the Pirates.  Argh.

Jason Vargas – Who says I don’t like AL pitchers? (As streaming options, I really don’t like them.  Vargas is only listed because I hadn’t recommended many AL starters and felt bad.  Don’t start Vargas in mixed leagues.  I almost recommended TBA on the Angels over Vargas.)

Dan Haren was traded to the Angels for a terrible pitcher and some prospects.  On a real baseball note, the Diamondhacks got had like they were taking cards from Ricky Jay.  I think the desert sun’s baked their brains.  To make a deal in the major leagues, you see what the Yankees will give you then you dangle that deal in front of all other clubs. The Yankees will give us their top prospect and dinner with Rudy Giuliani, can you beat that?  Here’s our top prospect and Bobby Grich will do your personal taxes for two years.  Deal!  On a fantasy note, this is about as lateral of a move Haren owners could’ve hoped for.  The league change is a negative, but the park change is a positive.  Also, if your pitcher gets traded into the AL, the AL West is the place for them.  The M’s and A’s are weak and the Rangers are less strong away from Arlington (the Angels are done playing in Arlington until the last weekend of the season).  The Angels do get the Red Sox twice, but also the O’s, Royals and Indians.  The only real red flag for Haren is his 1st/2nd half splits, but that was a problem prior to the trade.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Psyche!  Before going into the roundup, I wanted to tell everyone our fantasy football site is doing sign ups for their fantasy leagues.  Anyway II, here’s the roundup:

Joe Saunders – The move to the NL doesn’t make him more attractive.  A move to the Taiwanese Little League team wouldn’t make him more attractive.

Torii Hunter – 2-for-4 with a homer as he pulled off some Multiplicity shizz.

Magglio Ordonez -  While he’s shelved for two months, he can work on what’s really important, growing out his jheri curl mullet.  Bring back the Soul Glo!  Immediately when I saw the Tigers three hole hitter was knocked out for 2 months the first thing I thought was, is Leyland really going to bat the .280 OBP Ryan Raburn third for two months?  He did for the first game of the doubleheader.  We shall see.

Carlos Guillen – Off to the DL or as they call it in the Guillen household, “Daddy day care.”

Ryan Raburn – The Magglio/Guillen injuries should give a couple new guys regular time, but the only interesting one is Raburn.  (Will Rhymes is interesting for his steals, but I don’t think he gets enough playing time.  BTW, no relation to Busta.)  Raburn hit 16 homers in 261 ABs last year.  His homers per fly balls was a bit out of whack, but if he gets hot, he can provide some pop.  In AL-Only leagues, obviously you take what you can get.  In mixed leagues, I wouldn’t touch him until he starts hitting.

Orlando Hudson – To the DL with yawnstipation.  Wait, checking my notes.  Oh, he strained his oblique.  If he were on the Mets, he would’ve played tomorrow, then sat out for a week, then played, then sat out for five games, then played.

Kevin Slowey – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks vs. the O’s.  Since this was against a terrible team, it doesn’t instill any confidence.

Jason Kubel – 3-for-5 with a grand slam.  I ranked Kubel high in my midseason fantasy rankings because of his propensity for 2nd half thunder.  Cust kayin’.

Carlos Gonzalez – 1-for-5 with 3 Ks and has been struggling for the last week.  Rockies should trade Brad Hawpe for a new finger for CarGo.

J.A. Happ – 5 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  A just okay return for a guy I’m not high on (unlike this glue I’m huffing).  Happ has 12 walks and 9 Ks in 15 1/3 IP.  You shouldn’t need more.

Coco Crisp – 1-for-3 with 2 steals and 6 steals in the last week. Coco Quik!  Gotta love when a player knows how he provides fantasy value and gives it to you.

Ben Sheets – To the DL as he took one for all the Bennis Carpensheeters out there.  (BTW, The White Sox middle man, Erick Threets’ name sounds like a portmanteau of injured players too.)

Michael Wuertz – Wuertz has now picked up his 2nd save in four days as Bailey deals with back problems.  Though Bailey said he should return on Tuesday, I picked up Wuertz everywhere I could.  He’s heavy!

Brett Anderson – Should return on Friday.  I’d be careful with the first start back, but I would own Anderson since when he’s healthy, he’s nasty.

R.A. Dickey – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 6 Ks.  He left the game with a strained buttock after stepping in a mound ditch made by Kershaw.  Hoping for the NY Post headline, “Dickey In A Hole, Strains Butt.”

Kenley Jansen – This converted catcher is giving herbathrowdites everywhere a good name.  He got his first save as Broxton recoups from his two inning outing on Saturday.  Leave it to Torre to rest Broxton during save chances because he was overworked then to throw him for two innings.  Jansen could be a fun MR pickup for Holds and Ks, but he’s not suddenly the closer.

Buster Posey – 4-for-5 and now batting .371.  Pray he doesn’t ask for advice from Soto and Wieters on how to follow up his rookie year.

Barry Enright – 6 IP, 2 ER, 11 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Still don’t trust him but he does go into Metco next time out.  That’s a decent gamble in some leagues.

Wandy Rodriguez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners (1 Hit), 7 Ks.  Facing the top hitting club in the NL, the Reds, and he does this after getting shelled by the Cubs last time out.  The Wandwagon’s shocks are causing for a bumpy ride.

Chris Johnson – 1-for-4 with his 3rd homer this week.  Yeah, he’s a mixed league pickup now.  As they say in the porn industry, all aboard the Johnson!

Mike Leake – 6 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks.  He was in Friday’s Sell.  How did you know, Grey?  Please dish. Well, random italicized voice, I didn’t know he’d pitch poorly, but his innings will soon be limited.  And maybe he will pitch poorly going forward because he’s young and might be tiring.

Chris Denorfia – 2-for-5 with his fourth homer this week.  In the broad sense, he sucks.  In the specific as-of-right-now sense, he’s hot and could help you for a few days while he’s hitting and starting.

Joel Hanrahan – Being reported by Buster Olney that he will take over for Dotel if a trade goes down.  Olney’s forgotten more than I’ll ever know.  Like when he forgot where his keys were to his money green El Dorado, I didn’t even know he had an El Dorado.

Troy Glaus – 1-for-4 as he hits .204 in July with zero homers.  Belch.

Curtis Granderson – 2-for-4 with 2 homers and a steal.  He has a modest five game hitting streak.  Could end the season with a 20 homers and 15 steals.  Right now he’s at 9/8.  Do the math!

Phil Hughes – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks.  This start might’ve been slightly shortened by rain, but, since the Yanks won’t try and push him, you should expect similar lines going forward.  Ron Washington, “Someone say lines?!”

Reid Brignac – 1-for-3 with his 4th homer in the last week.  Own while hot.

Rick Ankiel – 3-for-4 with his first homer since coming back.  In most mixed leagues, I’d wait to see more.

Scott Podsednik – 2 homers and 4 RBIs.  After the game, he told a reporter, “And I got a hot wife.  WHAT?!”  Then again, that’s his answer to everything.

Chone Figgins – 2-for-3 with a steal as he’s played in both games since him and Wakamatsu fought in the dugout.  Talks are now underway for Figgy and Wakamatsu to star in the re-remake of The Karate Kid.

Manny Ramirez will miss at least three weeks with a significant strain of his calf.  If he had four teats, he could be a cow.  Manny’s been dealing with this calf problem since April.  His “doctor” gave him some “fertility” medicine, but Selig and his “rules.”  Now Manny has an aggravated calf and impotency.  I hope you’re all happy.  I’d DL Manny if I owned him.  If you don’t have room, I’d just lose him.  You guys will see each other again because you love Manny.  Otherwise, I’m not sure why you owned him to begin with.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jonathan Broxton – 1/3 IP, 3 ER.  Returned to the role of closer only to get taken out mid-inning because Don Mattingly inadvertently went to the mound twice.  A mustachioed Mattingly would’ve never made that mistake.

Aramis Ramirez – 3-for-5, 7 RBIs with 3 homers.  The first three months of the season Aramis was like the virgin cowboy from The Real World: Los Angeles.  The last few weeks he’s been like the virgin cowboy from The Real World: Los Angeles right after he rubbed up against the female police officer.

Geovany Soto – 2-for-5 with his 12th homer as he bats .293.  Yeah, he’s been better than Mauer, but whatever.

Starlin Castro – 3-for-5 and batting .474 over the last week with his third steal this week.  SAGNOF!

Chris Johnson – 2-for-4 with his 2nd homer in two games.  He doesn’t have huge power potential, so keep expectations in check, but if your corner infidel is dying, I could see a flyer in deeper mixed leagues.

Nate McLouth – Will return on Wednesday.  He was McLousy before getting knocked out for a month and a half with a concussion. (“Crimey, is this how long Morneau is going to be out?” asks your inner monologue.)  I wouldn’t rush to add McLouth since he’ll be sharing time with Melky.

Tommy Hunter – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks.  I cheated and picked him up in a 12 team league for this two-start week.  He shouldn’t be pitching as well as he has been, but he is, so what are you supposed to do?  I mean, 8 out of his 9 starts have been quality starts.

Josh Hamilton – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 23rd homer as he bats .357 on the year.  Can we get him to play the outfield in a bubble so he doesn’t get hurt?

Ian Kinsler – Back-to-back games with a home run to bring his season total to 6.  Would not shock me to see him get to 20 homers by the end of the season.  Yes, that’s a lot of homers for a 2nd baseman in just over 2 months.  Don’t underestimate anyone in the Rangers lineup.

Carlos Gonzalez – Didn’t play yesterday because of a bruised index finger.  I wish I had a finger for CarGo, but I’m currently giving it to Jason Bay.

Dexter Fowler – 1 for his last 25.  Not sure why, but he hasn’t been able to keep his hitting going at the big league level so far in his career.  I’d bench him or start to look elsewhere.  (Yes, I am kinda hoping to reverse jinx him into hitting.)

Jamie Moyer – Headed to the DL after being diagnosed with an acute case of “old.”  J.A. Happ should return to take his spot.  No, I’m not a fan of Happ.

Matt Diaz – 2-for-4 with his 3rd homer in 3 games.  If it makes the medicine go down a little easier, I picked up Diaz in a league.

Kevin Slowey – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Indians.  It was into the 6th inning and Slowey had only given up one run and his WHIP was under 1.00.  Of course, I was cursing his name since I benched or dropped him everywhere.  Then, for the first time all year, Slowey didn’t let me down when he loaded the bases so Jesse Crain could give up two inherited runs.

Jon Rauch – Has a bruised ankle, which isn’t half as delicious as a braised ankle.  Rauch should return in a day or two.  Meanwhile, I’d grab Matt Guerrier, who is not a guppy-terrier mix, in case you were wondering.

Asdrubal Cabrera – 0-for-5 as he was activated from the DL.  Nothing to report here because I already told you you (stutterer!) should pick him up.  It’s AS-drubal, after all.  Why wouldn’t you?  His name lyrical.  You go sing about him in the shower.  Unless you’re in prison.

Yunel Escobar – Sat out after being hit on his right hand while trying to bunt on Monday.  This is what you call old news, which is a lot less redundant than new news but less timely.

Jose Bautista – 3-for-6, 5 RBIs and his major league leading 26th homer.  Last year, it was the improbable Aaron Hill.  This year, Bautista.  Next year, John McDonald will hit 40 homers.  You heard it here first.

Neil Walker – If anyone can figure out how to go 5-for-5 and only score one run and knock in one while your team scores 11, Neil Walker can.

Pedro Alvarez – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs with 2 homers.  The Smashbuckler!

Phil Hughes – 5 IP, 6 ER, 12 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Instituting Joba Rules on Hughes has had similar poor results.  Hughes’ ERA is up to 3.99 and is no longer a must start everywhere, which makes him very difficult to own.  You get sonavabenched then you start him and he gets rocked.

Mike Napoli – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 17th homer.  He has two more home runs than A-Rod.  Cust kayin’.

Juan Gutierrez – No lie.  I picked him up in multiple leagues as soon as I saw Gibson was calling him in for the save.  By the time I got to my third team, he had already given up a home run to Pagan.  He’s given up 13 homers in 34 1/3 innings.  Mariano hasn’t given up 13 homers in three years.  Halladay’s given up 13 homers in 154 innings.  Juan Gutierrez has the 13th worst OPS in the major leagues for pitchers with at least 20 innings.  Only three of the other guys are still in the major leagues!  I’m going to bench him just so others can’t get saves, but I should’ve just let them have him.

Barry Enright – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Hey, it’s the guy that sounds like he’s your uncle!  Don’t believe the magic, Enright’s getting by on smoke and mirrors.

Chris Carpenter – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks and got the Win as the Phillies’ Andrew Carpenter got the loss.  Elias Sports Bureau said this is the first time two Carpenters were involved in both sides of a decision since Jesus and one of his carpenter buddies agreed Jesus should bring the wine for the company picnic.

David Freese – Broke his toe while rehabbing his right ankle.  If you’re fantasy season is contingent on Freese returning, you might want to start thinking about fantasy football.

Mike Gonzalez – After pulling a Kotchman for a few months, he’ll return this Friday.  Soon after, the O’s closer job will be ‘A Mike G. Joint.’

Luke Scott – 2 homers yesterday and no injuries!  He’s like the fantasy baseball equivalent to Lay’s Potato Chips.  When Luke Scott hits homers, he can’t hit just one.  I could see him hitting another four homers this month.  Be cautious about picking him up though, three of those four homers may be of the pinch hit variety because he’ll be sharing time.

Matt Garza – 6 1/3 IP, 7 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks.  It was the Suckie-O’s!  What are you doing, Garza?  You’re killing me.  4 homers allowed?  Tony Pena pitched better in the Homer Derby.

Carl Crawford – Left the game after a pickoff throw hit Carl’s Jr.

By the dawn’s early light, why are you unhealthy again, Jose Reyes?!  Tough week for MIs.  Rollins must be contagious.  It’s the Middle Infieluenza Outbreak of Twenty-Ten.  This is like in 1918 when Skeeter McGillicuddy sneezed and the Brooklyn Robins entire team was in the hospital for two weeks with the Robins forcing a team of jailbirds and hooligans onto the field in the heart of the pennant race.  Or maybe that was a movie pitch I overheard in a Hollywood Starbucks.  Neverthehoo!  Right now, Reyes doesn’t sound too bad with only a stiff back and not an issue with his oblique, the mystery ailment that sidelines players and no one has any idea where in the body it is.  Reyes said he could’ve even played last night.  Excellent, now keep him away from any Met doctors that treated Beltran’s day-to-day thing last year that knocked him out for over a year.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jimmy Rollins – 0-for-4 as he hits third for the 2nd straight game.  Yeah, it didn’t work for Reyes either.  Rollins is now batting .270 after returning from the DL with a .341 average.  Granted, that was only through 11 games, but they’re my small sample sizes and I’ll put them wherever I want.

Roy Halladay – 8 IP, 4 ER, 13 Hits, 0 Walks, 10 Ks and 119 pitches.  The 13 hits were a career high, the 119 pitches were not.  Not even his high in his last ten starts.  He’s a gingie horse… Nay (pun point)… He’s a gingie robot.  A gingie robot that wouldn’t mind some run support.

Joey Votto – 1-for-4 with his 18th homer.  He eats gingie robots for breakfast.

Jay Bruce – Bruuuuuuuuuuuce!  Where the heckfire you been?  Bruce hit his 10th homer yesterday as he bats .281 on the year.  I’d actually take five more homers and a .265 average.  Cust kayin’.

Tom Gorzelanny – 5 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  It was vs. the Pirates so take it with a grain of NaCl.  But he now has an ERA of 3.14 and more Ks than innings.  I wouldn’t even be pointing him out if his next start vs. the Diamondhacks wasn’t favorable.  Mmm… deep flyer.

Wandy Rodriguez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks.  The Wandwagon rides again with two straight quality starts.  If he falters against the Pirates in his next start, I may jump out my window.  Sure, I’m on the first floor, but it’s about the gesture.

Chris Johnson – 4-for-4 and now has two 4 hit games.  Tell me more, tell me more, can hit the ball far? Was that Grease, random italicized voice?  Stop judging me! The two four hit games surround a 1-for-12 stretch.  Definitely worth a flyer in NL-Only leagues, but I wouldn’t go crazy with him yet in mixed leagues.

Barry Enright – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Barry had pinpoint control in the minors, but gave 4 free passes in yesterday’s game.  But that might’ve just been nerves.  But II:  The Return of But, he might only be up for one start anyway.  But III:  But Lives, Willis may not stay in the rotation, which would give Barry more starts.  But IV:  But vs. However, even if Barry sticks in the rotation, he needs to prove himself in the majors before I’d add him.

Aaron Heilman – 1 IP, 0 ER as the blind man picked up the saw and said, “Hey, I got a save!”

Chris Snyder – 3-for-4 but gave up 5 Cardinal steals.  I wonder if the Cards players own Montero in fantasy and this was their subtle hint to Hinch.

Krispie Young – 1-for-4 with his 14th Krispie fly.

Jonathan Sanchez – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners (only 2 Walks), 4 Ks.  Filthy Sanchez just gave up two poorly timed homers.  Sure, I’m making excuses, but I own him everywhere.  Gotta stay positive, Mike Skinner.

Erik Bedard – Could return to the M’s rotation on Tuesday.  He just has to get through one final rehab start healthy.  Vegas isn’t taking bets, but I’d put his return next week at 4 to 1.

Felix Hernandez – 9 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks.  It’s so sexy when he does that thing with the Ks and the no runs.

Michael Saunders – 2-for-4 with 2 homers.  He’s death against lefties, which is not the same as murdering lefties.  At .217 on the year, he’s nothing but an AL-Only OF at this point.

Milton Bradley – 2-for-5 with his 2nd homer in his last 4 games.  Sure, he’s a head case, but he has 8 homers and 6 steals on the year in less than 200 ABs.  He should be owned in more than 3% of ESPN leagues.

Bengie Molina – With apologies to Alfred, the fattest, slowest Molina was sent from the Giants to the Rangers.  The Rangers add Molina to their organizational catching depth of Max Ramirez, Teagarden, Treanor and Saltalamacchia as they continue to follow the “catching wins championships” credo that has never worked for anyone.  Molina moves into a much better lineup and ballpark, which should help his numbers.  He’s a 15 homer, .260 hitter.  On the basepaths and the buffet line, he’s a station-to-station guy.

Buster Posey – With Molina moving to Texas, Posey gets a nod of approval and every day catching duties, which may not necessarily help his hitting since he now has a much harder position to play.

Matt LaPorta – 1-for-2 with his 2nd homer in the last two games.  You know the drill.  When guys are hitting, you what?  *taps finger, scratches head, whistles*  You own them!  C’mon, that was an easy one.

Chris Perez – Got the save since Wood pitched in the three prior games.  Though if you saw the box score and thought Wood was gone, it’s understandable.

Matt Garza – 7 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. the Sawx.  Sonavabench!  Why can’t he pitch well vs. bad teams and crappy vs. good ones?  Is that too much to ask?

Vladimir Guerrero – 4-for-4, 5 RBIs, 2 homers.  Must’ve been nice to not only homer twice off the Angels, but to hit one off of the impostor, Francisco Rodriguez.  If Vlad stays healthy, he can keep his name in the MVP conversation.  That “if” isn’t exactly Rhode Island-sized.

Zack Greinke – 8 IP, 6 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks.  He flew through 7 innings only to give up 5 runs in the 8th as he tried to blow his own win and Greinke himself.

Jair Jurrjens – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Meesa tinks Jar-Jar looked sharp in his return.  He even struck out some hitters in this game.  If you’ve forgotten, Jurrjens’ bugaboo is he doesn’t K people.  A healthy Jar-Jar should absolutely be owned in your league.

Adam Jones – 3-for-5 with his 13th homer while hitting .274 and chipping in 3 steals.  You know what’s fascinating to me (which means it’ll be a yawnfest for you), if Jones hit .274 all year while spreading his 13 homers out over the first three months, he would be owned everywhere and people would harbor no ill will towards him.  This is why you draft guys you trust and let them play.   On the other hand, Markakis is suckakis.

Ty Wigginton – Hit his 14th homer.  After the game, Casey McGehee called him to say, “Nice hit, Dad!”

Matt Kemp – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer.  Probably a day late on that buy low Kemp trade offer.

Rafael Furcal – 4-for-5, 3 Runs, 2 RBIs and his third homer.  Hitting around .500 in the last week with 4 steals.

Clayton Richard – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks with a 2.74 ERA on the year.  Aren’t you glad you loaded your team with hodgepadres?  I am.

Adrian Gonzalez – Didn’t play because of shoulder soreness as the Padres exploded for 13 runs.  Ticker tease!

Dustin Pedroia – Since he was unable to put any weight on his foot, he took grounders while on his knees.  He’s obviously been watching the instructional video, Dorf on Baseball.

Brandon Inge – 0-for-3, but after the game he was all smiles.  When asked why, he said he loves having books read to him with his adopted brother.