Fantasy Baseball Advice

Jordan Walden is replacing Fernando Rodney as the closer for the Angels.  The Angels decided to drop a guy with two first names for a guy with two last names.  Makes sense – you start a game with a guy with two first names, you close a game with a guy with two last names.  (No bullpen backup plan for you, Jeff Francis!)  (Oh, and don’t forget Charles (Jeff) Nelson Reilly in middle relief.)  Walden should be owned in every league that counts things like saves.  Seems like a Neftali-type situation.  Walden has to lose the job back to Rodney.  Fernando can’t win it back by just being good (as remote as that even seems).  By June, Walden can be a Donkeycorn and never look back.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Kendrys Morales – Took BP.  Where?  To court for the oil spill?  *rereading news report*  Oh!  Batting practice.  That’s a good sign.  If someone lost patience with Kendrys, I’d buy him for sixty cents on the dollar.  No more though, he could be a setback away from missing another month.

Hank Conger – Homered in his first start of the season.  Here’s what Stephen said about Conger, “He has above average bat speed and contact.  His plate-discipline is stellar but his defense is still marginal at best.  I don’t see the Angels giving him much of a chance catching.”  And that’s me quoting Stephen!  Conger’s in a tough spot for playing time; Scioscia loves Mathis like a fat kid loves cake.

Sean Rodriguez – 1-for-3 with his first homer.  This comes after Maddon announced Felipe Lopez would see time at 3rd while Longoria’s out.  Sean-Rod pissed off the baseball gods in another life because he just can’t get guaranteed playing time no matter where he is.  Oh, and on a real baseball note, the Rays don’t look good.  That is all.

Madison Bumgarner – 3 IP, 3 ER vs. the Padres.  When the only hitter you need to pitch around is Nick Hundley, you kinda should beat the team… Or at least get out of the fourth inning.

Aaron Harang – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Before the game, Tony Gwynn announced the arrival of a brand new Hodgepadre.  Then Tony ate a hot fudge sundae while watching a videotape of his old at-bats.  Pretty unsexy name, but the Harangutan is worth starting at home in every league until he no longer is.

Mike Leake – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Before you run out and pick him up, this was against the team Ed Wade’s Toupee put together that is currently 0-4.

Mike Stanton – Pinch hit yesterday, but is supposedly not starting until Friday with his hamstring strain.  The real sad emoticon in this whole thing is he had leg issues in the spring so hopefully this won’t be an ongoing issue the whole year.

Gaby Sanchez - 2-for-5, hitting .444 on the year.  I wouldn’t defrost Ted Williams head just yet, but he’s hitting well.

Anibal Sanchez – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks.  It’s not Dirty Sanchez, it’s not Filthy Sanchez, it’s Unsanitary Sanchez.

Ryan Zimmerman – 1-for-2 with his first homer and he’s hitting .364.  Member when you wouldn’t draft him because he wasn’t playing in Spring Training?  Oh, you.

Mike Morse – 1-for-4 with 3 Ks, now hitting .154.  I’d say he’s not hitting righties, but he’s not hitting lefties either.

Brandon McCarthy – 8 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks vs. the 1927 Blue Jays.  What I’m thinking with McCarthy is Beane, as played by Brad Pitt, hasn’t had much luck in the last few years, so McCarthy is gonna pan out.  I think that’s confirmation bias, but I don’t feel like going to Wikipedia to look it up.  Either way, that’s a marginal ‘keep your eye on him, but don’t pick him up yet.’  (Sorry, you now have to read the rest of this with one eye.)

Conor Jackson – 2-for-4 as he hit 3rd.  He’s like totally recovered from Valley Fever, as if.  BTW, he’s a backup outfielder as of right now.  Yes, a team is very good when they have a backup outfielder batting third.  /sarcasm

Brian Fuentes – Out with a blister.  The A’s manager hopes Fuentes can go Wednesday.  Fantasy managers that own Fuentes aren’t sure what to hope for.

Alex Gordon – 3-for-5 with his first homer (in possibly 4 years, or maybe it just feels that way).  After he hit the home run, fireworks went off… In my heart.  He’s batting third and hitting; ask questions later, just pick him up.

Alcides Escobar – 1-for-5.  Whoopie-doo, I know.  But he stole his 2nd base.  Last year, it took him until May 29th to steal his 2nd base.  Oh, it’s on.

Yovani Gallardo – 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Rudy picked him to win the Cy Young.  In the preseason, I ranked him 10th overall for all starters.  If you’re reading this, you probably own him.  Yay us!

Carlos Gomez – Benched for Nyjer.  And that’s how quickly a major league manager can realize a player sucks at baseball.   Oh, well.

James McDonald -  4 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  I gotta be honest, my heart wasn’t fully into this guy as a potential late round bargain.  Pirates pitchers are arghuably the worst in baseball from 1 through 5.  In most competitive leagues, I’d hold McDonald for another start, but start making other plans.

Kyle McClellan – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks.  I’m eating whatever Dave Duncan is cooking.

Cole Hamels – 2 2/3 IP, 6 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Drop him!  I keed.  He had a 5.28 ERA last April and still ended the year with a 3.06.  As they say in Vegas about the shoe, you gotta deal with it.

Chris Young – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Was so cute the way the giraffes at the Bronx Zoo all gathered around the TV to watch this start.  I liked Young when he pitched for the Padres, and Metco isn’t that bad, but his fastball has been trending down for four years and he works up in the zone.  9 baserunners in 5 and a third like yesterday isn’t great.  You can pick him up, I wouldn’t.  I.e., You do what you do and I’ll do what I do and we’ll be fine.

Josh Tomlin – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks.  I believe Josh Tomlin was a child actor on an 80′s sitcom.  I wouldn’t pick him up, Willis.

Josh Beckett – 5 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Sticking with the newly established Josh theme, I don’t love Beckett to bounce back from last year.

Barry Enright – 6 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Uncle Barry was babysitting the baby bears and they went wild.  BTW, Barry Enright vs. Andrew Cashner sounds like a match-up in the Greater Westchester County Dental Tennis league.

Andrew Cashner – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Pitched beautifully until he left the game with tightness in his shoulder.  Accidentists happen.

Tyler Colvin – 1-for-3 with his 1st homer of the year.  It’s about time!  Oh, wait, it’s less than a week into the season.  Eh, you probably dropped him already.

Jhoulys Chacin – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Another pitcher I told everyone and their pedophile uncle to draft.  Hope you had the peanuts to start him in Coors.

Chris Iannetta – 1-for-3 with his first homer and he’s hitting .444 on the year.  I saw someone ask the other day in the comments if they should drop him.  Didn’t you just draft him?

Michael Pineda – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Not bad vs. Texas.  But, hey, listen, he’s a rookie, it’s not going to be all peaches and cream in the champagne room every start out.

Willie Bloomquist – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and a steal.  Justice has been served!

Juan Miranda – 1-for-3.  Kirk Gibson announced Miranda would get the majority of the starts to see what they have in him.  Finally, a manager that makes a smart decision.  Miranda’s worth a flyer in leagues 14+ to see if he can not only stick but make good on some of his promise.

Justin Upton – 1-for-4, I wish Justin and B.J. had a brother named Wes.  Wesssssupppppton!

Mark Teixeira – His fourth homer.  He attributed his newfound early season success to not sleeping since last October.  This message was sponsored by Red Bull.

Alexi Ogando – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks.  A… O… A’ight!  He left with a blister.  Probably because he was throwing heat.  He won’t be in the rotation for long, but you have my permission to grab him while he is.

Aaron Hill – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs.  I think I heard mumblings in the forums or the comments or somewhere that Aaron Hill is already a bust.  Um, they’ve only played four games and he’s hitting cleanup for the 1927 Blue Jays.  Chillax.

Jose Bautista – Out because of a personal matter.  I’m guessing he’s in Russia killing people for Ben.

You know it’s September when I’m highlighting a guy that could possibly give you maybe one week of just slightly better-than-average stats.  Enter stage left, Mark Ellis. Yesterday, he went 3-for-3 with his 4th homer on the season.  Is there a meh emoticon?  That’s Mark Ellis.  He’s a big bottle of “Um, what the hey, I’ll grab Mark Ellis.”  He is the guy on waivers that, even when hot, you don’t feel like the three clicks of the mouse to pick him up are worth it.  I hear ya.  I’m not exactly dropping superlatives on him like I’m Donald Trump describing anything.  He’s now batting near .400 in September.  Don’t make me tell you to grab him every day this week.  Just get him now.  He’s hot.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Jason LaRue – Due to multiple kicks to the face by Johnny Lawrence Cueto, LaRue’s retiring.  Cueto obviously misunderstood when so many pitchers said they’d love to face LaRue.

Travis Wood – 6 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Had some unfounded concerns for this start.  He goes to Petco next.  I’d get Wood.  I mean… No, that’s what I mean.

Chris Johnson – 2-for-3 with his third homer in the last ten games.  Compared to, say, Kung Fu Panda, Johnson looks like Mike Schmidt.

Michael Bourn – Out with an oblique strain.  Sounds like he might be sidelined until late in the week, at least.  It’s The Bourn Calamity.

Joe Blanton – 6 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Really deserved the win in this one.  Not Blanton.  Me!  I deserved it.  I can’t believe I’m going to lose leagues because I can’t buy a win.

Jayson Werth – 3-for-5 with the South Philly special slam & legs.  BTW, Jayson Werth seems way more likely to know and/or talk to Turtle instead of Ryan Howard.  You know, Turtle from that show you watch that you have no idea why you watch.

Mark Teixeira – Who has one sore thumb?  This guy!

Andy Pettitte – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Nice start for a guy who hasn’t toed the major league rubber in two months.  The problem, he gets the Red Sox next.  I wouldn’t go near that start in most leagues.

Luke Scott – 2-for-3 with his 27th homer.  If he hits one homer, he always hits another homer within the week.  The preceding was off of memory and no actual facts.

Joe Mauer – Has a jammed knee and is day-to-day, which is day-o to day-o in Jamaica.

Francisco Liriano – 5 IP, 5 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks vs. the A’s.  This should’ve been an easy start for Liriano.  An easy start!  Grrr…

Shin-Soo Choo – 2-for-4 with his 4th homer in three games.  He reminds me of a slightly younger, much more Korean Bobby Abreu.

Bobby Abreu – Speaking of the 20/20 machine, Abreu hit two homers yesterday to bring his line to 83/20/75/.255/21 for one of those joyless 20/20 campaigns.

Fernando Rodney – Blew the save on Saturday and the Sciosciapath said, “”I have a lot of confidence in Fernando. One got away tonight, unfortunately. But we’re comfortable with the guys out there to hold leads. It’s not going to happen all the time.”  So, of course, Jordan Walden got the save on Sunday.  In fairness to Scioscia, Rodney had pitched two days in a row.

Mike Napoli – Out with a forearm strain that occurred from his constant pulling for playing time.

Chris Narveson – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER, 8 baserunners, 1 K.  If it’s any consolation, it’s obviously not the best of luck when you give up six earned and only 8 baserunners.

Barry Enright – Uncle Barry is shutdown for the season.  Should free him up to tell bawdy jokes and complain about his wife’s cooking.

Daniel Hudson – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  On the Diamondbacks, his WHIP is under 1 and his ERA is 1.65 in 71 innings with 65 Ks.  Yeah, that’s better than that other pitcher you’re thinking of.  And that one.

Adrian Beltre – Out with a sore wrist, but I’m guessing he’ll be playing Monday.  Wild horses on speed (like in the underrated Ted Danson/Howie Mandel-starrer, A Fine Mess) couldn’t keep Beltre out for an extended period of time during a contract year.

J.D. Drew – Hit his 19th homer yesterday.  He’s actually pulled off the rare feat of hitting 19 homers and not once getting hot enough for an extended period of time to be usable in fantasy.

Jon Lester – 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Now has a 3.06 ERA on the year and more Ks than IP.  I’ll admit it, I kinda love Lester.

Phil Coke – 1/3 IP, 4 ER.  Before getting rocked, Leyland said, until Valverde is ready to go, he’ll be going with Coke.  Ron Washington said that’s a good move.  After getting rocked, I don’t think it’ll be that clear cut.  Perry could see some saves.

Tommy Hunter – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 1 K.  I’m not a huge Hunter fan, but he gets the A’s and M’s as his final two starts.  That ain’t bad.

Jose Guillen – 2-for-4, 6 RBIs.  He was almost the lead for this post and I think you should grab him as the hot outfielder off of waivers.  He’s hitting near .400 over the last week with two homers.  Trust me, pick him up.

Derek Lowe – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Lowe’s been pitching well of late and he gets the Nats next.  I’d grab him.

Jeff Samardzija – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. the Marlins and pitched well against the Cards his last time out, the same Cards he gets again in his next start.  It’s still not an advisable start with his 7 BBs to 5 Ks in his last two starts.

Welington Castillo – 2-for-4 with his first career homer.  Showed some power in Iowa, but he’s a hacker that could be a .220 hitter.  He’ll probably split time with Koyie Hill and isn’t worth picking up unless he gets crazy hot or you’re just crazy crazy.

Tyler Colvin – Will miss the rest of the season after being impaled by a broken bat.  He should be fine, confirming he is not a vampire.

Geovany Soto – Out for the season with shoulder surgery.  The Koyie Hill Fan Club, that affectionately refers to itself as The Koy Pond, celebrated his potential increase in playing time at Coyote Ugly but in the Evite they cheekily called it Koyie Ugly.

Yesterday, Joey Votto went 2-for-4 with his 34th homer and 14th steal.  Tomorrow, the MVP.  He didn’t have the biggest offensive day for all hitters yesterday, but he’s getting the lead today.  Wanna know why?  Cause I’ve been shot by Cupid and I love Joey Votto.  True story, I walked into an ice cream parlor and asked for a Joey Votto.  The guy behind the counter said, “I don’t know what you mean.”  I punched him in his mouth.  Here’s what I said last December, “If Votto continues to progress, you’re looking at a guy that could easily give you 32 homers, 10 steals and a .300 average.  Want more?  If you buy into Joey Votto for 2010, I’ll also throw in a climbing walk rate and OPS for absolutely free!  Don’t want it?  Who cares, it’s free!”  And that’s me quoting me!  Finally, know who I’m probably not going to be able to afford in 2011 drafts?  Votto, my love!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jay Bruce – 3-for-4, 2 Runs, 4 RBIs and 2 homers as he lives up to his Septacular reputation.  Last September, he hit 4 homers and .353 in only 34 ABs after not hitting above .258 in any other month.  Had 7 homers in September of 2008.  Play Bruce in the Venezuelan Winter League and he’ll win an MVP.

Derek Lowe – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 12 Ks.  Probably should’ve been the lead today with the game he threw yesterday.  Eh, he’ll get over it.  BTW, ever notice Lowe’s slogan is Let’s Build Something Together and Home Depot’s slogan is There’s Really Cheap Laborers In Our Parking Lot?

CC Sabathia – 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks.  On the front page of MLB’s ESPN coverage it said something like CC was chasing F-Her for the Cy Young.  Someone besides Keith Law is voting for a guy with 11 wins?  It would be progress, my hopes aren’t high.

James McDonald – 8 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Nothing like pitching vs. the Mess in Metco to help a guy realize his potential.

Dillon Gee – 6 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Yeah, still can’t recommend him.  Was hit too hard in Triple-A for me to trust him this time of year.

Joe Blanton – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks.  He gets the Nats on Sunday.  Could be a game changer for those in H2H leagues.

Jayson Werth – 2-for-4 with his 21st homer.  Assuming he stays in Philly, he’ll be undervalued next year because of a wonky RBI year he’s having.  He’s hitting .098 with men in scoring position and two outs.  That’s just fluky.  If he plays somewhere else next year, all bets are off.  Imagine he ends up in Petco.  That gets The Gas Face.

Brett Myers – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks.  I was actually able to pick him up in one league on Sunday.  He has a 2.85 ERA on the year and he’s on waivers in a league with ‘perts.  Makes little sense.

Matt Lindstrom – Got the save yesterday with Lyon pitching the previous 4 days.  I don’t think it’s anything more than that but — and there’s always a but unless you’re an alien — Lyon did get hit the other day.  They could share some saves down the stretch.

Chris Narveson – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks.  He had a 2.48 ERA post-All-Star Break last year in 36 1/3 IP, most of which was in September.

Coco Crisp – 1-for-4 with 2 steals.  Gotta love a guy who gets more steals than the times he’s on base.  I can’t wait for the epilogue of Moneyball: The Movie when the white letters fade up over a black screen and reads, “Or throw out everything that came before this and steal some bases…”  BTW, you know how you look up something in Google and end up on a 3 hour odyssey that always leaves you off in YouTube looking at funny kitten videos?  That’s what happened to me when I Googled “Moneyball” + Coco Crisp.  I knew he hadn’t appeared in the book (unless it was in the Acknowledgments where Lewis professed his love for the breakfast cereal).  I was trying to get a grasp on people’s current thoughts on Moneyball.  I think the emperor has no clothes, but I didn’t need Google to find out what I thought.  I just needed to bang my head against my wall until my brain started working.  If Michael Lewis wrote a book about me — say Razzballball:  The Art of Wasting Time — he could make me sound like a hero.  That’s how Michael Lewis do.

Brian Matusz – After being hit with a comebacker, Buck Showalter lifted Matusz from the game.  Weird, cause Showalter doesn’t even look that strong.  Matusz will be reevaluated today.

Brian Roberts – 2-for-4 until he was hit by a pitch and had to leave the game.  Balls 2, O’s Brians zero.  Roberts has actually been more productive than I thought he would in his return.  I’m not a huge fan of old guys who rely on their legs, but Roberts may be a steal in next year’s draft.  Pardon the pun, I’m lazy.

Evan Meek – Will get some save chances along with Hanrahanananan, according to John Russell, who is the Pirates manager, not the Christian name for a Jack Russell terrier.

Cory Luebke – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners, 5 Ks.  That might’ve just opened a nine foot, ten inch hole for Chris Young to walk through.

Ryan Kalish – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer in the last week (also has 2 steals) and is hitting around .350.  Took a bit for him to find his footing, but keep in mind that he’s a solid prospect with 20/20 ability over a full season.  Could be this year’s Rasmus next year, clear?

Jon Lester – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 12 Ks.  Now has 208 Ks in 190 IP.  *Grey drools*

Yunesky Maya – 6 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Maya culpa for even suggesting you watch this guy.  Know there’s something in that arm of his because of the success he had in Cuba, but right now you obviously can’t start him anywhere.

Nick Swisher – He pinch hit yesterday, but he’s supposed to have an MRI on his knee today and will probably be out at least a few games.  My guess is he won’t play until the weekend and even when he returns, he’ll probably be nursed like a big baby sucking on Billy Butler’s moobs.

Logan Morrison – 1-for-3 with his 2nd homer and has now reached base in 33 straight games.  Hello, I Love You.

Barry Enright – 3 IP, 5 ER.  About four starts ago, I said, “Don’t believe the magic, Enright’s getting by on smoke and mirrors.”  Therefore he doesn’t exist, so poof…vamoose son of a bitch!

David Price – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Was there any offense yesterday?  Why couldn’t all my hitters face Uncle Barry Enright?

Jaime Garcia – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Last game, he got sabotaged, shellshocked, rocked and ruled.  Day in the life of a fool.  Overall, really hard to be too down on a rookie who is still under a 3 ERA in September.

Albert Pujols – 0-for-3, admitted to elbow discomfort, but said, “There’s no DL in September.”  Though there is in calendar.

Playoffs. More like payouts. That’s what I am looking for right now. I know foosball starts on Sunday and I am pretty geeked up, but when there is money on the table I’m excited. I feel like Jimmy Conway after the Lufthansa heist. Now this list isn’t for everyone, I understand this. I’m from the school of, if you have the pitching that got you there then good, but one or two extra starts can really put it away for you. So take a peak, but don’t stare, you may go blind. I give you the semi-beneficial two start pitchers for the playoff push this week in fantasy baseball.

Trevor Bell (@Cle vs. Masterson) (@TB vs. Price)
Yeah, I know what you’re saying, “I’m in the playoffs and I want to pick up Trevor Bell?” You probably don’t, but just in case I put him on here. 3 ERA last 3 starts.

Travis Wood (Ari vs. Hudson) (@Hou vs. Myers)
Playoff pitchers pitch with guts. Cincy has shown that they can and will be able to hold off the ‘Lou. WHIP is a question mark but for quantity versus quality he is atop the list this week.

James McDonald (@NyM vs. Gee) (Ari vs. Enright)
I like him on any other team, besides Pittsburgh. I can say with confidence that he will be the only SP that will be draftable next year for the Pirates. ERA is mid 3’s at home, and the Mets pretty much gave up in June.

Jeff Francis (SD vs. Luebke) (@LA vs. Billingsley)
Playoff contender again, Colorado has it. They get it done when they need to, steal home, sacrifice in weird spots. Jim Tracy is an awesome player’s manager. 3.30 ERA last 6 starts.

Chris Narveson (@Hou vs. Myers) (@SF vs. Zito)
Pitching well without getting noticed, maybe should where a pink tutu and a clown hat. 1.5 K per inning in last 3 starts. Tough matchups maybe a sit and wait for Sunday pitcher.

Barry Enright (@Cin vs. Arroyo) (@Pit vs. McDonald)
Based on matchups you could do worse, cough Zach Duke. ERA still under 3, and it is barely above 2 in road starts. Guy’s numbers are pretty silly, minus one start, for a rookie that came out of nowhere.

Joe Blanton (@Fla vs. Mendez) (Was vs. Maya)
Love pitchers that are in a playoff push, have I mentioned this before. Numbers are mediocre and has burned you probably twice this year already. Pitches 2 runs better at the Citizen.

Carlos Silva (@StL vs. Garcia) (@Fla vs. Mendez)
Yeah, the poster child for “Why am I even reading this?“ Wouldn’t trust him farther than I could throw him, which is about 3 inches. Was 8-0 and ERA at 3.00 at one point this year, which seems like a decade and three heartbeats ago. A Sunday grab vs. Marlins.

I wanna just throw away this first start by Yunesky Maya.  Just ignore it.  The reason why I’m having a hard time throwing it away, young Razzball reader, is because I watched him pitch.  I’m no scout with fancy scouting degrees from fancy scouting schools where people chew toothpicks and spit chew.  I just know what I see.  And what I saw yesterday was a guy who throws junk.  His stuff didn’t look very overpowering.  Reminded me a bit of El Duque without the Funky Cold Delivery.  Maybe Maya’s start yesterday was due to nerves.  It’s not easy to live up to some recent Cuban raftees.  Maya’s Cuban league numbers tell us he’s a guy who should be owned in keepers and dynasty leagues.  He did, after all, win The Luis Tiant, the Cuban Cy Young award.  And potentially even more enticing with Maya is he’s already 29-years-old, which means he should be in the prime of his career.  In redraft leagues, losing to Dillon Gee, who sounds like a bank robber from the 1890s, isn’t a great confidence boost to recommend him for 2010.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Josh Hamilton – With me away on vacation for Labor Day, obviously no one took up the slack to pray every 2 hours towards Mecca that Hamilton wouldn’t get injured.  Thanks, guys (and 3 girls)!  (How was my vacation?  Thanks for asking!  It was all right.  You know how when you don’t look at something for a while you come back to it with fresh eyes and see things differently?  It’s the Jigsaw Puzzle Theorem as demonstrated by your 12-year-old nephew who can’t figure out how to complete the 101 Dalmatians jigsaw then, when he revisits it the next day, it all fits into place.  That’s what happened with me.  I had this stain dead center on my monitor for the better part of 3 months then, when I returned yesterday, I realized it was just dried tomato sauce and scratched it off with a fingernail.  Puttanesca, you dirty sauce!)

Elvis Andrus – Will be out until Friday with hammy woes.  I still like Elvis and his bedazzled upside for next year, but you need to find someone who’s producing this year in redraft leagues.  (BTW, I have a fat Elvis picture across from my refrigerator in a room I call my kitsch’n.)

David Murphy – 3-for-4 and hitting .400 over the last week.  Also hitting third with Hamilton out.  He gets a lefty today (bleh) but then some righties.

Alex Rodriguez – The problem is for a lot of these players on contending teams, they’re not needed anymore in the regular season.  And there’s the pickle with H2H leagues.  A-Rod may coast the rest of the season, making sure he doesn’t re-injure himself.  Hamilton’s in this cluster of muckety mucks too.

Jay Bruce – See Alex Rodriguez or 1/8th of an inch above.

Justin Upton – Then you have the opposite side of that same coin.  The Diamondbacks aren’t anywhere near a playoff spot, so they won’t force Upton back into action.

Barry Enright – 6 IP, 6 ER.  Uncle Barry violated my no-no area over and over again.

Vernon Wells – 3-for-3, 2 RBIs, 2 Runs and 2 homers.  But I’m pretty sure Bautista actually hit one of those homers.

John Buck – 2-for-4 with his 17th homer.  John Buck has 17 homers?!  Make sure to sign the petition to have a humidor put in the Rogers Centre.

Dillon Gee – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Gee, that’s great.  Unfortunately, he had a 4.96 ERA in Triple-A this year.  That’s a pass.

Ike Davis – 2-for-3 with his 18th homer.  Now has 3 homers in his last 4 games and hitting .364 over the last week.  Look at Ike smacking that pitch up.

Miguel Cabrera – Left the game with bicep tendinitis.  He sat out last Friday’s game with this shizz so this isn’t a good sign that it reappeared.  It could cost him a few days since the days of numbing the pain by doing body shots out off Miguel Olivo’s navel are in the past.

Billy Butler – According to a Royals’ beat writer, Butler was hurt taking a ground ball off his chest.  Guess he wasn’t wearing his metal cone bra.

Ryan Madson – Got the Win and the blown save.  Lidge wasn’t used because he has a sore elbow.  Sore elbow on a guy who had elbow surgery is bad news.  I’d grab Madson everywhere you need saves.  Just remember, he has Cuddle Boy tendencies.

Shane Victorino – 2-for-5 with the slam & legs.  For what it’s Wuertz, Victorino has 17 homers and 30 steals.  You could argue that his average is a bit down this year, but that’s falling on deaf ears as far as I’m concerned.

Nolan Reimold – Well, lookie-lookie.  If it ain’t the pot calling the kettle, where the hell you been?  A preseason favorite of mine, Reimold hit a homer yesterday.  He hasn’t been playing every day since his recall, but I may just like him again next year.  You’ve been served (with info)!

B.J. Upton – 2-for-3, 3 Runs and a homer and steal.  He has 15 homers and 39 steals.  Again, if you’re crying about his average like it’s a knee scrap, go cry to Rudy because you’re not getting any sympathy from me.

James McDonald – 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, e, i, e, i, o.  I do like McDonald in the right matchups, but this start was against the Braves, who right now like they couldn’t hit the broadside of a barn with an Adam Dunn-driven tractor.

Brandon Lyon – You know what’s the strongest job approval you can get as a closer?  When the other guy competing for the job says you’re the closer.  That’s what Lindstrom said of Lyon the other day.

Brett Wallace – 1-for-4 with his 1st homer.  He’s hitting .204 in 92 ABs.  Maybe the 7 teams that traded him away might’ve known something.  I’m not writing him off yet, but he’s looked like a White Castle hamburger if you were to replace the hamburger with a turd (assuming White Castle hasn’t done that already).

Jim Thome – He’s showing the young mollywhoppers how the old mollywhoppers used to mollwhop, i.e., he’s hit 4 homers in the last three games.

Josh Johnson – Due to back and side pain, Johnson was scratched from his next start.  The chances of his porn star brother, Gosh Johnson, making the start for him are 50-50 if he can find his pants.

Gordon Beckham – Too bad he’s done so little this year to deserve a hand because he could use one right now.  More than a week after the injury happened and he’s sitting out due to pain?  This is reason to drop him in most leagues.

Trevor Hoffman – Recorded his 600th save.  Here are some fun facts about what the world looked like when Hoffman recorded his first save in 1993.  Sister Act 2:  Back in the Habit had audiences Whoopified, Rick Astley called it quits at the age of 27, saying he won’t play another concert until he becomes an internet meme and Tipper Gore was going through Bill Clinton’s CD collection, removing suggestive titles.  Oh, and Trevor Hoffman was still good.

Jhoulys Chacin – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Mora made a mental error that led to Chacin’s two earned runs.  If not for Mora, Chacin would still be pitching… Well, if the game was still going… And if there was a 12 hour rain delay and Chacin wasn’t officially removed yet.  You get my point, Chacin pitched better than his line indicts.

Eric Young Jr. – 2-for-3 with his 14th steal in 34 games.  If you don’t love Young, you don’t love yourself.  Find someone to talk to.

Justin Masterson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Now has three straight starts of two earned runs given up or less.  He gets the Angels again next.  Not without its risk, but if you need to take a gamble, there ya go.

Mat Latos – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks.  With the Padres pennant race going down to the wire, Latos is probably going to go way over his innings limit.  Cust kayin’.

Colby Rasmus – Sounds like Pujols hates Rasmus’ stupid face and thinks he should leave the Cards this offseason.  In related Cards news, no word on whether the Cards 2nd best hitter will be attending the annual Israeli event that shares his name — “Challah Day.”