Fantasy Baseball Advice

Mike Jacobs hit two home runs yesterday. Baseball Tonight’s Chris Singleton said Jacobs could hit “a lot” of home runs if he stayed healthy. You know what? Singleton has “a lot” of insight. Funny thing happened on the way to June, Mike Jacobs has thirteen home runs. More than Fielder, Tex, Morneau, Pena and Miguel Cabrera. Now I’m not saying Jacobs will be more valuable than these guys, but Jacobs is way more affordable in a trade. He’s a lot like Carlos Pena in ‘07. Both showed power, but lacked consistency and health. Poor average — check. Clouds of doubt about what they’ll be worth at the end of the year — check, check. Both playing in front of near capacity crowds (for a WNBA game) — check. Pena’s last year owners can also attest that if you own him, you’re better off holding onto him, cause you’ll never get value for him. But if you don’t own him, he’ll cost a lot less than the big boys. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday:

Homer Bailey – About to be called up. Remember when he was their most hyped prospect? Since then, Bruce and Votto have had great starts, they acquire Volquez, and Cueto has a spot in the rotation. Don’t expect much from Bailey. He doesn’t really deserve the call-up as he hasn’t corrected his biggest flaw – wildness. He walked 29 in 66 IP at Triple-A. For Bailey’s sake, we hope the expectations are set closer to Fogg than Volquez.

Mark Prior – Shoulder surgery for Prior causing him to miss the rest of the season. In other news, taco diarrhea burns.

Tim Hudson – I was watching the game when he left with his leg injury. It didn’t look that bad, but then again I get these rashes on my leg and I’ve diagnosed myself as having The African Gong-Gong Disease and prescribed myself a wet towelie and two Little Orphan Orange Otter Pops, so I may not be the best person to ask. Leg problems will probably shelve him for a week. Best case scenario, he misses two starts and returns fine. Worst case, he returns too soon and really messes things up by favoring his injured leg. This is some Trapper John, M.D. suspense!

Brain Bannister – One run in 7+ IP. He looks like a good guy to not pick up in mixed leagues.

Troy Glaus – Hit a HR yesterday. LaRussa says Glaus is going to start hitting more home runs now that the weather is heating up. What you need to ask yourself, is this sober LaRussa talking or drunk LaRussa? I think it’s sober LaRussa.

Ian Snell – If you have him still in your lineup, I’m assuming there was a death in the family and you haven’t check your team in a while. Or you’re just dopey. Either way, my condolences.

Nate McLouth – Ended May with a .279 average. That’s a better representation than April’s .330. Maybe Karabell’s intern misread his refrigerator magnets.

Chase Utley – 20th HR/6th steal. I picked him for NL MVP, so I obviously believe. He’s also one of the few guys that I don’t have on any team, but still can’t root against. Take that schadenfreude (Word of the Day)!

Shawn Hill – Gave up an ill-timed home run to… Who am I kidding? No one cares what Shawn Hill did yesterday.

Chad Tracy – Batting fourth, hitting his second home run three days. CoJack will be out at least a week with a quad strain.

JR Towles – Batting .145 with five hits in all of May.

Bartolo Colon – Now 3-0. I still wouldn’t go near him with a three foot churro. (Only partly because waving a three foot churro near Bartolo would be similar to going to a grizzly bear observatory wearing nothing but bikini briefs made of Marshmallow Fluff…. Talk about a Fluffernutter — oofa!)

Alexei Ramirez/Alexi Casilla – Both can provide some value if you’re weak at MI. Also, if one of them books two dates on the same night, they could pull the old switcheroo and send the other guy out on one of the dates, which is a lot easier than bringing both dates to the same place and then running back and forth switching outfits ala Alex P. Keaton.

Adrian Gonzalez – I’m not really surprised he’s still hitting bombs, but I’d like to see him hit them in July and August.

Carlos Beltran – HRs in 2 straight games to boost his season total to 7. If you invested a top pick in him, you’ve got to be hoping this is the start of one of his streaks.

Johnny Cueto – I said I wouldn’t write about him again until he proved himself. Well, 5 IP of no-hit ball pulled me back in, but he’s still giving up fly balls (10) and not making enough people miss (3). Love the upside, but don’t get too excited. Worth holding onto, but don’t be afraid to bench him if the matchup is bad.

JJ Putz – Another horrendous night. 4 runs in 2/3 of an inning. Who does he think he is – Carlos Silva?

Ryan Church – Hit a home run after returning from his concussion. Talking about the concussion, Church had this to say, “I really know how Snuka felt after that Piper’s Pit.”

It’s with no regret that I announce (Well, I’m not exactly announcing it. The Brewers are, but bear with me.) that Eric Gagne is no longer the closer. Officially, the Brewers say it’s a mental break. I say, it’s a “You can’t take steroids anymore and the Brewers should’ve never acquired him in the first place” break. On Friday, I told you I think Salomon Torres will walk away with a large chunk of saves. If he’s gone, as a speculation on Gagne’s replacement, you have to grab Mota or Riske. Grab everyone basically, even Shouse, if you need saves. I think Gagne will be eventually back closing for the Brewers and he’ll get five or six more saves before he undoubtably needs another mental break. Guess now he’ll have time to tuck in his shirt. Anyway, here’s what else I (and others) saw yesterday:

Johnny Cueto – I missed the Mets game because I was hungover and needed to submerge my head into a tub of ice. So I put Rudy on the case, here’s what he said over IM, “Castillo got a gift triple in the first which led to 3 runs, but they were crushing Cueto in the first 2 IP. Then 2 innings were fine. Then a bullshit infield single for Castillo. K’d Wright. Then hung a curve that Beltran hit into orbit. No great story other than Cueto’s stuff is good, but remains a risky bet. I wish I traded him to you instead of Zach Attack. Parra’s unstartable, but I’m starting Cueto outside of Colorado. BTW, you’re the greatest writer in the history of blogs. In fact, blogs should be renamed to Glegs, which is a portmanteau (Word of the Day).”  Thanks, Rudy.

Brian Bannister – I was vomiting blood during this game, so I turned to my Uncle Yitz, who lives in KC, “Bannister is luckier than a blind man in a braille store.” Thanks, Uncle Yitz.

Carl Crawford – Blood turned to phlegm so I let Momma Grey write this one for Mother’s Day, “Carl who? Is that our mailman?” “Maybe you’re thinking of Karl Malone.” “Karl Malone is our mailman’s name?” Thanks, Mom! I still believe Crawford gets over 20 home runs and I’d trade for ‘our mailman’ in a second.

Ryan Braun – Everyone’s well aware of my stance on Braun, but he did hit two home runs yesterday. I say sell, but you do what you do.

Shawn Hill – Still not getting Ks or Ws like I’d want, but in deep leagues, you can do a lot worse. Actually, in shallow leagues you could do worse.

Khalil Greene – Been a buy low candidate for me for about a month. He is what he is, which is 25 home runs. If you like that sort of thing, you’ll enjoy KG.

Santiago Casilla – Finally gave up some runs, but he just got another win. Listen, when it’s time to bail, I’ll give you a heads up, but fantasy baseball is like a craps table. When the table’s hot, ride the effin’ table. When the table’s cold, go to a strip club.

Jonathan Broxton – I know you want to drop him quickfast. I think that’s being too reactionary. He recently had problems with his lat muscle, so he might not be himself. Bench him for a few days to see if yesterday’s outing was a one time bludgeoning or if you need to do a mercy killing.

Justin Speier – Not sure if anyone’s on this train wreck, but you need to get off, you ain’t ‘Unbreakable.’

Ervin Santana – Missed this game because my girlfriend was administering an IV, but his final line surprises me less than his first month of stats, if that makes sense — sweet!

Dan Uggla – If he hits forty, he’s worth the average. Otherwise, I’m not a fan. BTW, missed this game because I needed to be rushed to the hospital.

Nick Blackburn – Returned from the hospital in time to see this game. Honestly, I’m not buying into this guy. He seems usable with the right match-ups, but not on any of my teams. Not right now. Now I’m going to down an aspirin, a Bloody Mary and a ‘lude and hope this hangover goes away. Remind me not to drink again.

Brian Bannister sports a .86 ERA, a miniscule WHIP and three wins AND beat Francisco Liriano. Can this continue? His strikeout rate is pretty poor, but in one of the ten team mixed leagues I’m in, I picked up Bannister today. It’s a league of owners that are better friends than they are fantasy players. I don’t assume Bannister is still out there in many leagues, but for a few of those leagues where players aren’t quick to the waiver wire or with team owners who don’t pick up Royals because of what they have meant in the past, Bannister might be out there, I’d pick him up even in those shallow leagues. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday:

Nick Markakis – I’ve been walking around my house screaming, “I am Markakis! No, I am Markakis!” for the last two weeks trying to spur him on to greatness. (My girlfriend has been thrilled.) Finally, he went yard. I hope this is the sparkakis he needs to go on a hot streak. He’s a notorious slow starter so if he can start hot this year, we could be in for a nice ride.

Francisco Liriano – Ah, the aforementioned Liriano. As I said on Friday, you should’ve traded him on Saturday.

Alex Gordon – I hope he reaches the 20/20 season I predicted because I have him in just about every league except for my NL-only ones (and don’t think I didn’t try and sneak him through).

Cliff Lee – I think he’s on Rudy’s list of players who should be Asian given their name. Anyway, pitched a great game against the woeful A’s. He has the Twins, Royals and Mariners up next. Two out of three on the woeful scale isn’t bad.

Jon Rauch – He’s great for K, Whip and ERA help so I wouldn’t drop him just because Cordero is back. (Because, frankly, I don’t know how long Cordero is going to be back.)

Joe Crede – Do I think Crede finishes the season with 184 homers and 377 RBIs? Maybe not, but he could hit three more homers this week then reverts to the Crede we know and hate. I’d pick him up until he reverts if you have room. You gotta ride hot streaks.

Wandy Rodriguez – I played the Wandy start at home/sit on the road game last year. It worked out well for me.

Burke Badenhop – I watched him play before I put in my claim. Saying he’s a poor man’s Derek Lowe, is an insult to poor men everywhere.

Shane Victorino – While I didn’t get him in any leagues this year, because he ended up going much higher than I would’ve paid for him, I still love The Flying Hawaiian™ and I hope he gets well soon. Meantime, put him on your DL. I hope Victorino doesn’t prove to be injury-prone his entire career because he’s beginning to seem that way.

Javier Vazquez – Man, the ‘08 Tigers and ‘27 Yankees comparisons ended real quick.

Franklin Gutierrez – No idea if he’ll ever get a chance to play again regularly after starting so slow, but if he does, I might go back for more pain. He’s talented and is only 25. As of right now, I’m done with anyone who regularly gets benched for Jason Michaels.

Johnny Cueto – Well, we all knew there would be some speed bumps, but Jason Bay? C’mon, your farkin’ initials are JC. Honestly, he walked one guy and had some balls up in the strike zone. I’ll take my chances if every pitcher on my staff gives up one walk against six strikeouts in six innings.