Is there anything cooler than Samuel L. Jackson cursing? I mean seriously, I think even my Grandma would remark ‘he’s so sweet’ after watching this MF’ing montage (ummm, and I shouldn’t have to say this but that thing NSFW…you muthaf@#$a). I’m of course quoting Pulp Fiction, where Jules Winnfield kindly asks Pumpkin, aka Ringo to help Honey Bunny, aka Yolanda to, ahem, ‘regain her composure‘. And again, please read the damn title…you should know that it’s also NSFW. I mean, is there any SFW Tarantino film? Rhetorical! Let’s move on to the real reason you’re here, shall we? Yes, let’s. The cheap go for today is Chad Kuhl. Now I say this with some slight caveatism (<– totally a word). Would I prefer to see this matchup in Pittsburgh? Yeah. Would I prefer that Ryan Braun not be in the lineup today? Sure. But am I gonna pass on the fact that the Brew Crew leads the MLB in K%? Hells to the no, children. And just to clarify that ‘1st in K%’ statement, let’s break things down further. Home K%? Brewers are King. Full season K%? Tops there, too. Last seven days? Yup and in fact, they’ve upped the ante and are sitting at a huge 28.4% level, well above their season number at 25.4%. There are lots of safer choices for your cash games so I wouldn’t consider Chad there, but I’m all about him in tourneys today. So don’t panic and tell that Honey Bunny within yourself to be Kuhl as you roster Chad today. And with that, we’re off. Here’s my great vengeance and furious anger taeks for this Wednesday DK slate…
New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well reserve your spot in the 25 Team Razzball Exclusive League set to run Monday September 26th to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. Wanna know what the best part is about signing up with us? The free subscription for the rest of the season to our DFSBot, that’s what! For details on the how to, please visit our Razzball Subscriptions page.
Look, on the one hand, I’m ashamed that I’m quoting Not Another Teen Movie. On the other, I’m surprised this wasn’t a Keenan Ivory Wayans joint. On the third, more interesting hand that’s simply a cut out of the hamburger helper off my beefaroni box, it allows me to reference back to one of the best teen comedy movies of all time: Bring It On. Or better put, this movie has four minutes worth of Sparky Polastri, and that’s never enough and yet more than enough all at the same time. With all this said, my call today is Steven Brault or as I like to call him, ‘the guy who gets to pitch against the Phillies’. If you’ve read anything I’ve written – or wrotten, if you wanna keep with title theme – you’ll know that I love picking on Phillies. It’s September and this should be clear to you but just in case it’s not, here’s a simple flowchart for you to think about. If you’re not convinced by my conciseness, let’s consider some other facts. The Phils have the worst wRC+, the fifth worst K%, and the second worst BB% in the majors this year. The fact they’ve been on a K tear of late – second worst K% over the last 30 and worst over the last 14 and 7 – makes this call even nicer. But the real kicker here? Brault is a mere $4,500 so he’s in punt territory with 20 point upside. Seriously, this intro is AmPm: too much good stuff. But guess what, I have some even potentially greater takes down the road. So follow me past the italics, would you? Here’s my ‘y’all ready for this’ hot taeks for this Wednesday, DK slate…follow me or perish, sweater monkeys!
New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well reserve your spot in the 25 Team Razzball Exclusive League set to run Monday September 19th to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. Wanna know what the best part is about signing up with us? The free subscription for the rest of the season to our DFSBot, that’s what! For details on the how to, please visit our Razzball Subscriptions page.
Yesterday, Daniel Norris went 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 3.81. Deserved better than a no decision, but he’s 23 years old, making $500,000, so who cares what he deserves? I deserve equal pay for cracking jokes about fantasy baseball for six months! *marching with a picket sign* Sign reads: BLOGGER = Better Living-wage Or Gainful Gifts, Earnings, Reimbursements *pull back to reveal I’m marching in my underwear with my dog humping my leg* Stop, Ted! I’m trying to make a point! So, Norris looked terrific, but he’s had a vexing season. Vexing, I tell ya! He was put in middle relief after a back problem that sidelined in the spring, then he returned and was almost immediately sidelined with an oblique problem. Why do we care? Well, I wrote a sleeper post about him last year, saying, “He’s a sleeper, because he’ll likely be drafted late since he appears to be a year away, and, sadly, he might not just appear to be a year away, but he might actually be a year away, though he might appear to be a year away and not be a year away. I’m the Grand Champion of putting “year away” in one sentence, by the way. Norris is a pure upside play. He could be a 4+ ERA guy that bounces between the rotation, the bullpen and the minors or a 2.75 ERA guy with truckloads of Ks.” And that’s me quoting me! I quote that, because I was exactly right (I couldn’t have been wrong since I hedged more than Sonic) and for 2017 I’m going to like Norris for the exact same reasons while being a year closer. Dot dot dot. To getting a living wage! I’m Norma Rae! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Steve Cishek hit the DL with the same injury that sounds like it once affected Nadia Comaneci –a torn labrum. Grey’s got Olympics fever! Which this year sounds like it can be transmitted by a mosquito. “I’m not wearing my Brazilian national flag t-shirt to sit in the room all day! Actually, I feel a little woozy too.” That’s a family of four coming down with the Zika Virus at this year’s Olympics. With Cishek likely out for the year, grab Edwin Diaz in all leagues. On a related note, I’ll leave you with the Double Dutch Bus, a song that Missy Elliott later made famous on Gossip Folks. The chorus for Double Dutch Bus sounds like it’s just me trying to say the name Steve Cishek. Fast forward to 2:15 if you’re not feeling early 80s funk and just want the guy to say Steve Cishek repeatedly.
Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Stashed Orlando Arcia in a few of my deepest leagues back in March. What a waste. Well, 59 games left — guess that’s something. If he Lindors. No idea why he hadn’t been called up until now. Milwaukee’s 3rd base position has been bratwurst casings all year and Jonathan Villar plays shortstop like the guy who hacks the meat to fill those casings. Were the Brewers afraid Arcia would’ve been too confused by the fact Will Smith was white? Did they need to first move Jeffress due to language stipulations? “Wait until we trade Jeffress — he might hurt his tongue saying the R’s in Orlando Arcia’s name. Remember Higuera hit the DL when he yelled Robin Yount.” If the Brewers didn’t drag their heels worse than the kielbasa in the sausage race after he bet five-large on the chorizo, I would’ve had Arcia months ago! *takes deep breath* Okay, I’m good. So, what can we expect from Arcia? A little pop and solid speed — think Jean Segura or Villar over the course of the final two months. Yes, I’d grab him if I were hurting at shortstop. Speaking of hurting at shortstop (DO YOU SEE WHAT I DID THERE?!), Trevor Story hit the DL with a torn UCL in his thumb, and will be out for the season. Colorado already has DL forms with SS written in. Just have to cross out Tulo for Story. Save that piece of paper for rolling! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Hold the Internet presses (which is just posting a silly video; that makes the internet stop)! Jonathan Villar isn’t owned in more than 50% of leagues? That feels like a personal slight against my manhood. And my manhood is already slight! Hey, Previous Sentence Grey, not cool! My bad, Next Sentence Grey, but you set yourself up! This is like a Yo Momma episode on MTV where everyone called in sick so they had one schizophrenic guy play both sides. Yo, Momma is so fat her blood type is gravy! *same guy runs to other side* Oh! Oh! Okay, well, your Momma is so dumb she drafted A.J. Pollock! Snap! *runs to the other side, but pulls hammy* Yo Momma, shoot, can we pause? My hammy’s torn. *collapses onto ground* Don’t think MTV didn’t consider the one man Yo Momma show. Insider talk, they are one of the cheapest channels. It’s no surprise all of their shows star unknowns. Okay, this is neither funny nor that illuminating. I love Villar because SAGNOF. I hear ya, prematurely balding man, what happens when Arcia is called up? Well, we don’t know when Orlando Arcia will be called up and Villar can play 3rd (since everyone is over Hill, especially Aaron) or Villar can play 2nd, and Scooter’s a platoon guy that can’t always get it out of first. Villar has 40-steal speed and should not be on waivers anywhere. *pulled hammy Yo Momma guy pokes his head up* Yo Momma is so ugly…Yeah, I can’t continue, my hammy is killing me. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Road trip! Everyone pile in to the Razz van as we head to the dirty south. Hrm, that makes it sound like I’m suggesting you go below the equator on someone who needs a bath or a ‘shot’, so let’s correct this: The Dirty South. There, that’s better. We all know the Atlanta Braves are bad but really, they can be worse than even their season stats suggest. Wanna know how? Throw a lefty arm out at them. I hear what you’re saying, ‘how bad can they get?’ I got really good hearing, what can I say? Well I’ll tell you: they can get 46 wRC+ bad. Sure, you could say they’re due for some positive regression and I wouldn’t argue it but this same team was third worst in wRC+ last year against southpaws at 77 so this isn’t a new trend. The new trend we all savor here on DK is the Ks. Last year, it was a menial 20.5% K rate against lefties but this year, the bottom has dropped out and the #Barves are only second to the Padres in whiffing futility with a huge 26% clip. But hey, that’s what happens when your second best hitter against southpaws is Jeff Francoeur. So with that, I introduce Adam Morgan. He’s a lefty…the end! Fo’really, this is just to see if a perfect situation pans out at a low end $5,500 price. He K’d 7 over 5 IP against the Indians who struggle just a little less against southpaws but still struggle mightily. Because of the matchup, Adam has 10 K upside which brings 10K upside to your bank account. So feel free to join in with my enjoyment of some Captain Morgan while we ease into covering the rest of the slate. With that, let’s do this. Here’s my Flaming Dr. Pepper hot taeks for this Tuesday DK slate…
I’d like to dedicate this post to all the mothers out there, and to the most important mother in most of our lives, Manny Machado. The Oxford Dictionary defines mother, “something that is an extreme or ultimate example of its kind especially in terms of scale.” So, one can say that Manny Machado is the mother of all shortstops and 3rd basemen. Yesterday, on Machado’s Day, a true mother in the most arcane sense, he went 2-for-4, 6 RBIs with two homers (8, 9). He’s gaining shortstop eligibility for next year because Hardy hurt himself and the Orioles realized that necessity is the Machado of invention. So, next year, is there any way he’s not in the top three overall for all of fantasy? I guess if he gets hurt. Did I just jinx him? What a Machado f**ker! Whatever the case, there’s no way I can pay you back, but the plan is to show you that I understand; you are appreciated. Sweet Manny, don’tcha know, I love ya (Dear Machado). Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Jose Altuve is on pace for 60 homers. He can’t even reach the cereal in the morning! If an opposing manager were to ask to see Altuve’s bat, they would crack it open to reveal gumballs because he’s the leader of the lollipop guild. If the major leagues were to institute a Daffy Duck ‘You Have To Be This Tall’ sign before getting to the batter’s box, Altuve would need his mother to escort him into the batter’s box every time. That’s assuming she’s tall enough! If she’s not, who does he get? His uncle? Erik Kratz? If might were height, Jose Altuve would be a giant. That much is true. I love that lil’ bugger! I want a Teddy Ruxpin in the shape of Altuve to cuddle at night. Last night, he went 4-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs with his 9th homer, hitting .330. So, the question is, can he keep it up? Up is not a word I associate with Altuve, and, no, he can’t keep it up. No one could keep up this pace. Of course, he’s still a .315 hitter with an easy 110 runs, 35 steals and 70 RBIs, i.e., a top ten bat. So, keep it up? No, not without four phonebooks under him. Do enough to make you glad you didn’t sell high? As a French dwarf would say, “Wee!” Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Matthew Wisler threw a gem yesterday — 8 IP, 0 ER, 1 Hit, 2 Walks, 4 Ks, lowering his ERA to 3.24. Or if you like portmanteaus and/or vomit — Matthrew up a gem. By the by, after anyone says their name is Matthew, do you always want to say, “Gesundheit?” “Name for the cup?” “Matthew.” “Wow, it’s allergy season, huh?” That’s me as a barista, a job I never had. I’ve actually held one real job in my entire life. I’m like Mark Cuban without the money. Since I own Wisler in more leagues than I care to admit, I watched the whole game. Prolly first time I watched one of my pitchers while listening to the opposing broadcast, but you cannot beat the Mets announcers for a broadcast booth or for stories about insane cocaine intake in the 80s. Wisler was dancing a 94 MPH fastball just at the knees, spinning a backdoor curve that had Neil Walker look more like Neil Statue. Duda? Go take a doodie, it’d be more productive than facing Wisler! Asdrubal? Well, he actually hit the ball hard. Quite a few Mets did. It was like, “Matthew! Damn, I think I caught something,” and the Braves would look up with a ball in their glove. So, Wisler’s performance last night was a gorgeous line, but I wouldn’t go near him outside of the deepest of leagues. In shallower leagues, Matthew? God bless you for last night, but I don’t need those tissues. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball: