Fantasy Baseball Advice

After the top 20 outfielders for 2012 fantasy baseball, guess what we have here?  The top something-something’s? Cute, random italicized voice.  We have the top 40 outfielders for 2012 fantasy baseball.  That’s right, Wonderful just gave birth to Awesome.  Wanna hear something even awesomier?  I’m going to turn this to 60 then 80.  Hopefully I don’t blow my amp.  The hardest part about writing these 2012 fantasy baseball rankings posts is writing this opening.  Trying to make the clerical stuff sound less clerical, ya know?  So I just copied the openings from previous years where applicable.  As with other rankings, where I see tiers beginning and ending are mentioned along with my projections.  Anyway, here’s the top 40 outfielders for 2012 fantasy baseball:

21. Krispie Young – This tier started in the top 20 outfielders for 2012 fantasy baseball.  This tier goes from here until Kendrick.  I call this tier, “I’ll happily reach for one of these guys if I have to, in the non-sexual way.  Though it’s kinda sad this is the third tier of outfielders that I’m excited about.  Times is tough, yo.”  Krispie is another guy that I kinda wanted to move to another tier and he’s even pretty far below Stubbs (though it sure doesn’t seem that way in these rankings).  What Krispie has going for him that Beej and Stubbs don’t is 25-plus homer power.  He’s pretty seriously deficient in average though, and when I’m saying that compared to Stubbs and Upton, it’s saying something.  Grey said, “Something.”  See?  2012 Projections:  85/25/80/.235/25

22. Jason Heyward – This is probably the furthest I’m out on a limb with an outfielder.  He could be a worse pick than Markakis.  Last year Heyward hurt his shoulder, then Glass Chipper started questioning his manhood even though Chipper invented the oblique just so he could miss 40 games a year.  Heyward’s BABIP was obscenely low so he should hit at least 40 points higher without much effort.  Hitting for a better average with a healthier shoulder should help him build confidence, move him up in the order and hit for more power.  You could blend those variables together and you may end up with a wheatgrass/kale antioxidant health drink that is supposed to be good for you but just makes you want to vomit.  If at any point in the spring there’s news that his shoulder is still bothering him, I’ll drop him way down in the rankings.  2012 Projections:  80/22/90/.280/10

23. Howie Kendrick – I went over Kendrick’s projections in the top 20 2nd basemen for 2012 fantasy baseball.

24. Shin-Soo Choo – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Gordon.  I call this tier, “I could see myself missing out on these guys because others are believing them more than me.” Most ‘perts are looking at Choo’s 2011 as an aberration.  That wasn’t Soo Choo, that was Soju.  An Asian flush with bad luck.  So last year he had a .317 BABIP (off his career rate, but not really that terrible), a 1o.4% HR/FB (again, not hideous), a 10.1% walk rate (not bad) and a 21.8% K-rate (around his career rate).  He missed a bunch of games because of injury.  If he’s healthy, he’s back to the 17-20 homer, 17-20 steal guy.  Yay.  I don’t know; it’s all right.  I’m not excited to draft him.  2012 Projections:  80/17/85/.280/17

25. Carl Crawford – Last year, things started poorly and went from bad to Mad Libs in the cliche.  Slumps get into guys’ heads and if there isn’t a big girl around to have sex with that slump can last longer than anyone wants.  I’m willing to ignore last year.  Really, I am.  Then the wrist surgery this offseason.  Damn, that wrist got me pist.  Red Sox are reporting he should be ready for Opening Day.  I’m reporting he’s going to miss a month.  There’s a small silver lining.  His wrists aren’t his legs.  Hey, I should’ve gotten better than a C in Human Anatomy!  If he falls, I could see gambling on him, but it’s probably not going to happen if you follow my rankings.  2012 Projections:  75/10/70/.280/30

26. Alex Gordon – Here’s what I said at the end of last year for Gordon, “Gordon’s line this year was 101/23/87/.303/17.  Terrific!  Wonderful!  Tonderific!  But if you peek under the hood, things aren’t as they seem.  His BABIP is .358, easily a career high in the majors.  His walk rate and line drive rate dropped from last year, and his ground ball rate nudged up.  His homers and speed look about right, but if luck goes against him those two categories could get affected.  He’s probably much closer to a .280 hitter with 17-20 homers and 12-15 steals.  With just a tad bad luck, he becomes a fifteen homer guy with 10 steals and a .265 average.  That’s far from spectacular.  That’s spectaculess.  I just made that up; you like it?  You use it.”  And that’s me quoting me!  2012 Projections:  85/20/100/.280/12

27. Brett Gardner – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Rasmus.  I call this tier, “I’m targeting these guys for my teams.  They might all end up getting sleeper posts.  You’ve been forewarned.  (Bee tee dubya, the projections in this tier are a bit optimistic, but I’m sick of hiding my excitement.  Let me free-ball and show you my love!)”  I’m unabashedly a fan of Gardner, which makes very little sense if you’ve read this site for an extended period of time because usually I ignore SAGNOF’ers and just grab one later or off waivers.  To me, Gardner is underrated, which is odd because Yankees are usually overrated.  Gardner is just an enigma wrapped inside a riddle inside a fortune cookie that reads, “Person who sleeps with scratchy rear wakes with smelly finger.” 2012 Projections:  105/8/50/.280/50

28. Jayson Werth – Ponder this, guys and three girl readers, is Werth that different from Corey Hart?  Okay, stop pondering it, your eyes are crossing.  He’s not hitting 35+ homers again like he used to in Citizens Flank, but he should also be better than last year and the Nats offense is looking solid.  Yeah, I know how weird that sounds.  Don’t point out the obvious.  2012 Projections:  75/22/90/.265/15

29. Logan Morrison – His Isolated Power was .221.  Dan Uggla’s was .220.  Paul Konerko’s .217.  Jay Bruce’s .217.  Logan Morrison only hit 23 homers last year.  He missed almost 40 games last year because of injuries and his inability to put the cone of silence on his Twitter account.  He’ll only be 24 years old for the better part of 2012 and the Miami Marlins revamped their lineup by throwing some fabulous moolah around for a World Series ring.   2012 Projections:  60/25/75/.270/5

30. Michael Cuddyer – Went over Cuddyer’s projections in the top 20 2nd basemen for 2012 fantasy baseball.

31. Peter Bourjos – What does it mean that Bourjos is ranked this high?  It means we’re all screwed.  Sorry, don’t mean to yell fire in the theater of Razzball, but outfield is shallower than a conversation with a Kardashian.  I already went over my Bourjos 2012 fantasy.  I wrote it while refusing to eat at Subway because it reeks of onions.  2012 Projections: 85/15/50/.255/35

32. Alex Rios – I wrote an Alex Rios 2012 fantasy post.  It pained me to write that post and I hope you forgive me but I felt like it needed to be said.  Now please forget the apology if I’m right or forget that I wrote the post if I’m wrong.  Thanks, over-the-internet friend!  2012 Projections:  75/17/85/.270/22

33. Colby Rasmus – I’m out on serious limbs with some the players’ rankings in this tier.  Just when you thought I was totally out of my gourd with my Rios ranking, here’s Rasmus about 35 spots ahead of where I see some other ‘perts ranking him.  The key thing with drafting is you are drafting for the upcoming year, don’t try and put together a team that would’ve kicked serious booty while bagging last year’s doubloons.  That’s not going to win you something, but hopefully I just learned you something.  Hey, that sounds like a rhyme Pitbull would make.  Blah blah blah Kodak, blah blah blah Kodak.  2012 Projections:  85/22/70/.265/10

34. Corey Hart – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Ethier.  I call this tier, “I’ll reluctantly draft these guys, but I’d rather not.”  On first glance, Corey Hart’s season last year looks okay.  On second glance, his 2010 season of 31 homer, 7 steal 2010 and 2011 of 26/7 look remarkably similar — he simply had 15 less games last year.  On third glance, you see his fly ball rate plummeted and start to think his homer per fly ball rate is unsustainable.  On fourth glance, you start to wonder why you’re looking at Corey Hart’s numbers four times.  On fifth glance, there is no fifth glance.  On sixth glance, you think about how he may not break 75 runs or RBIs without Prince Fielder, fifty games of The Hebrew Herpes and the invariably injured Weeks.  On seventh glance, you accidentally hypnotize yourself and begin to cluck like a chicken in front of an audience of strangers.  2012 Projections:  75/24/70/.265/8

35. Nick Markakis – The last four years his homer totals have been 20, 18, 12, 15.  One of these years he may stand up and say he is Sparkakis, but until then I don’t care to gamble on a guy that is averaging 16 1/4 homers a year.  I mean, who ever even heard of quarter homers?  Those are singles, Nick.  Elevate the ball.  2012 Projections:  80/18/85/.295/10

36. Ben Zobrist – Went over Zobrist’s projections at the top 20 2nd basemen for 2012 fantasy baseball post.

37. Andre Ethier – This tier that I’m planning on missing makes an already shallow outfield that much more shallow.  I get that.  That’s why I named this tier, “I’ll reluctantly draft…”  I don’t like Ethier, but I can’t turn my nose up at dozens of guys this year.  I don’t buy into Ethier bouncing back to being a top 20 outfielder.  I say if you draft him, you’re going to get a top 30 outfielder at best.  That means he’s ranked near his ceiling.  Opportunity costs will probably have me looking elsewhere.  Hypothetical things that have no weight need to be weighed.  It’s all very scientific.  2012 Projections:  70/22/85/.295

38. Ryan Braun – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until here.  I call this tier, “Herpes or bust.”  Ryan Braun was either taking medication that he bought from a farmacia in Tijuana to suppress the cold sores he contracted from his Affliction t-shirts which triggered a positive drug test or he bought a performance-enhancing drug from that same Tijuana farmacia.  Your guess = my guess.  For further reading on the subject, check Google images for “Braun junk pictures” or read my Braun 2012 fantasy.  2012 Projections:  55/20/70/.280/12

39. Torii Hunter – This is a new tier.  This tier ends at Vernon Wells then starts again in the top 60 for 2012 fantasy baseball so I can sneak in the SAGNOF tier.  I call this tier, “Vets that I’m either lukewarm about or slightly more than lukewarm about.  Read the temperature gauge.”  The guys in this tier are mostly okay, unless you draft your team then get in a DeLorean and play out your fantasy league in 2004.  Then they’re awesome!  Maybe one of the guys in this tier has a Lance Berkman 2011 year.  There always seems to be one, but don’t say you know which guy it is — someone might be listening.  If I had to bet on a surprising year from one vet, I’d go with Torii Hunter.  Lineup’s going to be the best he’s had in a while and he can lamp in the outfield.  Will he definitely surprise like that doode from Community coming out with one of the best albums of 2011?  Nah, but the Torii Hunter gambino won’t cost you much.  2012 Projections:  80/24/90/.270/7

40. Vernon Wells – Cause crazy talk isn’t just something that I reserve for Alex Rios, I also wrote a Vernon Wells sleeper post.  No, there will be no sleeper post about Todd Helton, but that’s funny and sarcastic.  You’re a double threat!  2012 Projections:  75/25/85/.260/8

40 1/16. Michael Bourn – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until the end of this post.  I call this tier, “SAGNOF!”  I just throw all these schmohawk steals guys in the same tier, because, well, frankly, interjection, they’re the same shizz.  Bourn gets you nothing but steals.  If you think that’s a smart way to build a team, I got a Lorenzo Cain, Michael Brantley or yadda³ off waivers that says you should follow the SAGNOF theorem of evolution that says these guys ain’t got no face.  Double negatives being damned, and all.  2012 Projections:  90/2/40/.280/50

40 1/8. Emilio Bonifacio – I went over Bonifacio’s projections in the top 20 shortstops for 2012 fantasy baseball.

40 1/4. Coco Crisp – Coco Crisp could be a cheap Brett Gardner.  Yes, I’m being cereal.  2012 Projections:  65/7/50/.260/35

40 what/fraction-is-this? Nyjer Morgan – Or should I say Tony Plush?  I could see a scenario where Morgan gets confused by not seeing Fielder and Braun and steals two bases in one inning for two different teams.  Sorta like a Joel Youngblood move, only crazier.  2012 Projections:  65/3/30/.270/27

40 3/4. Juan Pierre – Doesn’t have a team yet, but if he gets an everyday job then he’ll give you the usual.  If you don’t know what Juan Pierre gives you fantasy-wise, I have a copper-plated zinc portrait of Lincoln to sell you for $19.99.  2012 Projections:  85/1/40/.285/30

40 7/8. Rajai Davis – Doesn’t have a starting job right now, but didn’t last year and stole 34 bases.  Nothing like a basestealer that has a walk rate under 5%.  Rajai, you can’t steal first base, but you can throw your elbow into a pitch or two.  Keep that in mind.  2012 Projections:  40/1/20/.260/30

The Big Donkey, Adam Dunn, was a big ass.  Carlos Quentin’s status is TBD even when we know the ETA which we don’t right now.  This leaves Dayan Viciedo playing.  It’s addition by the subtraction of Ozzie’s choices.  “Can Brent Lillibridge play first and third at the same time?”  Things Ozzie has recently asked his bench coach.  Viciedo was always a top Cuban raftee and, through his first four games, he has a homer, steal and is batting .538.  Maybe we shouldn’t defrost Ted Williams’ head just yet, but you don’t need Mapquest to know he’s going in the right direction.  Not to mention, I’m not even sure Mapquest still exists.  Start a viable service and Google will take you over.  I like your concept, Groupon, I will now do the exact same thing.  With Viciedo’s 3rd base eligibility, he’s worth a flyer anywhere you need a corner infidel.  That’s right, patch Dayan into your team for Golda Meir.  (If you didn’t need to Google that last line, props to you.)  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Jack Hannahan – Perennial Carson favorite hit three homers in two days this week and .420 (stoner!) in August.  Didn’t hurt that he brought his liger to the clubhouse to scare Lonnie Chisenhall.

Kyle Seager – Last week I suggested he was like Omar Infante.  We’ll call him Omar Little.

Omar Infante – Speaking of the devil.  He’s been relatively hot recently.  If your relative is hitting near .300 over the last week.

Luke Hughes – Has four homers in the last week.  Maybe you should pick him up.  That’s my Hughes clues.

Dee Gordon – Guess who’s back?!  Dee Gordon, man (and three girl readers).  C’mon, that was easy.  His name is in front of this blurb.  If you need speed, Dee Gordon’s like Jeff Gordon without the car.  I have no idea if that makes sense.  I don’t know Nascar.  I’m guessing there are cars though since it’s in the name.  It’s not Nasbicycle.

Cliff Pennington – Hitting near .400 over the last week and has three steals in the last five games.  Plus, if you have a category in your league for Players That Sound Like They Should Be Wearing Plaid Pants, Cliff Pennington wins you that category.

Jose Altuve – Through 154 ABs, he has 2 homers, 4 steals and he’s hitting .305.  So, of course, his ESPN ownership went down from 9% to 7.4% this week.  I’m guessing Craig Biggio owns 20,000 fantasy teams and is bitter.

Mike Trout – 4 homers and batting .400 since his recall.  He’s a bit green, Scioscia may not play him, which has me blue, but if you don’t add him, you’re yellow.  And that’s my rainbow Trout.

Brandon Allen – I was thinking to myself, “Grey, there’s no reason to mention Allen this week.  He must already be over 50% owned in ESPN.  Also, could you scratch your back?  I’m itchy.  Thanks!”  Turns out Allen is nowhere near 50% owned.

Austin Jackson – I’m not a fan of a leadoff hitter with a sub-.320 OBP.  Rickey Henderson says, “Rickey Henderson says amen!”  But Jackson is currently hot, hitting near .400 over the last week.

Leonys Martin – I just went over my Leonys Martin fantasy.  I wrote it while sipping a Mint Julep, wearing a big floppy hat.

Alejandro De Aza – This is a pretty tentative buy.  He has been hot, but I think that could end by the time I finish this sent–

David Murphy – He’s the type that is unownable for the better part of a season then becomes relevant.  I wouldn’t put Baby Boo-Boo’s college fund on it, but I think he’s about to go through one of those relevant stretches.

Jordan Schafer – I wouldn’t pick up Schafer outside of a NL-Only league.  I don’t like where he’s playing, not a huge fan of his but he does provide some speed and a bit of Zimmermania.

Brandon McCarthy – Last game, he K’d 10.  He hasn’t had one month over a 4.00 ERA all year.  As for his lousy record… Too many Urkels on his team, that’s why his wins low.

Javier Vazquez – Hey, I was burned by him too.  I get it.  But he’s been good for two months now.  Stop being a pill and pick him up.

Doug Fister – Usually the lack of Ks is a problem — a than but no thans, but over his last 21 2/3 IP he has 18 Ks.  So that’s an old issue of Fister’s Journal, which I do not subscribe to and would not Google.

Bobby Parnell – You know what the kids in Washington Park say about this part of the Buy section?  Coca, puff-puff, SAGNOF!

Sergio Romo – You can’t tell me the whole time he was growing out his beard it wasn’t some kind of All About Eve plot brewing behind the scenes.  Just happens that Wilson gets hurt and Romo jumps in to replace him and all the windyweather fans in San Fran are like, “Hey, our touristy beards we bought at the souvenir stand still work!”  Then again, Santiago Casilla, Jeremy Affeldt or Ramon Ramirez might get saves too.

Steve Cishek – I think he gets the most saves in Florida in September and Nunez has multiple meltdowns.  It’s called a hunch, like how Guy Fieri eats a sandwich.

Jesus Montero – I just went over my Jesus Montero fantasy.  I wrote it while wearing an orange jumper, picking up litter on the side of the highway.

SELL

Freddie Freeman – Had a heck of a season, if you’re the type to use a word like heck.  Almost sorta blasphemy!  Freeman has 18 homers through 5 months.  What’s that?  3.6 homers per month?  It’s worth taking a chance on a hot hitter; you’re not gonna miss out on much with Freeman.  And what on earth does sixth-tenths of a homer look like anyway?

Michael Cuddyer – Another guy who has 18 homers on the year, but this schmohawk is also dealing with a hurt wrist.  Ride or Cuddyer?  I’d ride.

David Freese – He has 8 homers in 266 ABs this year.  So, unless he gets 400 ABs in September, I’m thinking you can move on to a hot schmotato.

Nelson Cruz – This kinda goes for any player that is on the DL.  If you don’t have DL room, lose him and move on.

Alexi Ogando – You guys had a good run.  Get his address and you can send him a postcard.  But get him off your team.

Tommy Hanson – Mmmdrop.

Mitch Moreland – Oh, mamma mia, mamma mia!  Mamma mia, let him go!

You know what they call three 4-baggers in New York?  An A-Rod post-game party.  It’s a good thing Clorox is headquartered in Oakland because Billy Beane is going to want to rinse his eyes with bleach after this game.   Russell Martin went 5-for-5, 3 runs, 6 RBIs and 2 homers (one grand slam), Grandy hit a grannie going 2-for-4, 4 runs, 5 RBIs and Cano added in one of his own with 5 RBIs.  A video of this game should be shown next time the issue of a salary cap comes up at the Winter Meetings.  Russell Martin has 17 homers on the year.  Even if all of them were Pesci Pole assisted, it would still be a solid year.  Then throw in 8 steals and decent runs and RBIs, and it’s no wonder Alyssa Milano fields his fly balls.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jim Thome – Luckily, he got to enjoy his 600th home run on the Twins.  What an event!  Was like Geraldo Rivera finding a second bottle of whiskey.  Thome continues his ride on the casino bus to the Indians.  How appropriate.  To continue the gambling comparison, right now the Indians are like the guy at the ATM taking out money he doesn’t have to double down on the Pass Line at a cold craps table.  Hey, Indians, it was a good run, but you’re throwing good money after bad.  Go grab a $9.99 steak dinner and bark obscenities at tourists.  You’re not making the playoffs anymore.  Thome’s not changing that.  As for fantasy, Thome gives the occasional homer, not much else.  Um, okay.

Francisco Liriano – Headed to the Disgraceful List for the 2nd time this year.  To keep this PG-13, thanks for ruining my fantasy teams this year, you fargin’ icehole.  I will forever refrain-cisco.

Jemile Weeks – 3-for-5, 2 steals.  He’s struggled a bit recently with his bat, but he’s still capable of the steals so if you need that I’d hold tight.

Scott Sizemore – 4-for-4 on Wednesday and a homer yesterday.  I’d say he’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell, but he won’t be.

Rich Harden – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 11 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Ks are there but the up and down starts make me want to avoid him.  Speaking of up and down, I told Rudy he should give a listen to the Kanye/Jay-Z song, “Otis,” and he asked why they wrote a song about the inventor of the elevator.

Wade Miley – 6 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks.  This comes after a 4 IP, 5 ER start against the Braves.  The potential for Ks is there, so is the potential to get roofied.

Brian McCann – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and 2 homers.  After me ranking him in the preseason as the number one catcher for three years, it looks like he’s finally made good.  Sometimes I’m just too prescient (Word of the Day!) for my own good.

Michael Bourn – 4-for-5, 2 runs and 1 RBI.  Maybe I’m greedy, but when a guy like Bourn gets four hits and no steals, I can’t helped feel a wee bit gypped.  My apologies to all of our gypsy readers.

Brandon Beachy – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks.  3.31 ERA, 1.15 WHIP and 128 Ks in 114 1/3 IP.  I told everyone to grab him in every league, to toot my own horn (though if I could actually toot my own horn, I wouldn’t have time for fantasy baseball).

Mark Reynolds – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs with his 2nd homer in as many games.  Now has 29 homers on the year with a .220 average.  If Mini Donkey could just get his average up to the .250 range, he’d be a thing of beauty.  But I guess that’s always been the Reynolds rap.

Ryan Adams – 4 for his last 7.  The Orioles new 2B is just like the rock musician, Ryan Adams.  He has a little bit of pop, strikes out a lot and likes having sex with Mandy Moore.  The only difference is that the musician Ryan Adams actually gets to have sex with Mandy Moore.

Adrian Gonzalez – Now has, like, 17 homers in the last three days as him and Ellsbury lock horns for MVP votes.  That should help fill 42 minutes of a Sportscenter.

Carlos Quentin – Out until next week with shoulder pain that has him feeling less than manly.  You know what makes me feel manly?  Rubbing banana pudding on my chest and running through the zoo.

Brett Cecil – 6 1/3 IP, 5 ER.  Morrow and him are all over the map from start to start.  Gem, coal, coal, gem… Then you get the occasional 6 IP, 5 ER with 9 Ks which, I suppose, is the blood diamond.

Alexi Ogando – 4 IP, 6 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  I wouldn’t be surprised if his arm is tired.  BTW, somehow a tired arm is worse than an arm that falls asleep.  Weird!

Paul Goldschmidt – 2-for-3 with his 5th homer in 21 games.  Prior to last night, he went 0-for-14 with 6 Ks.  Has 27 Ks in 21 games.  I think Goldschmidt is gonna fit in perfectly with the Diamondhacks.

Doug Fister – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Now one earned run in his last fourteen innings and only one terrible start in his last ten.  Fister’s only drawback is he doesn’t punch out many hitters, ironically.

Austin Jackson – 1-for-3 with a slam & legs and his 133th strikeout to go with a .306 OBP.  Somewhere Rickey Henderson is mumbling to himself in 3rd person.

Brad Penny – It came out yesterday that he criticized Sean Rodriguez for running hard on a routine fly ball.  Penny also screams at players for being clean-shaven and having better metabolisms.

Justin Verlander threw a no-hitter on Saturday, said the guy who doesn’t write a roundup on Sunday which makes Monday’s lead-in a little dated.  BTW, I hear The Godfather is a good movie, you should check it out!  And invest in Microsoft!  Verlander seems to get little respect as a number one starter, but if I owned him, you’d have to pry him from my cold, dead, well-manicured fingers.  Gives you 200 Ks, a mid-3 ERA and a killer smile.  Smiles are totally underrated.  You can’t put a price on those…Unless you’re a dentist.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Austin Jackson – 7 for his last 13.  I’m not a fan in the big picture, but the small picture says if he’s going to start hitting, there’s no reason to turn your nose up at him unless the smell of a hot hitter repulses you.

Yovani Gallardo – In 8 innings, threw a one-hitter on Saturday.  To misquote Positive K, Gallardo’s a headache, now he’s an aspirin.  Hopefully, he’s turned a corner this time and not just a U-turn back to crap.

Jason Bourgeois – To the DL.  That was a fun SAGNOF ride, right?  Haven’t been that excited about a SAGNOF’er since Alex Sanchez stole 52 bases in 2003 with nothing but a cheap pair of Keds and steroids.

Frank Francisco – John Farrell, who is supposedly the Blue Jays manager, said Francisco is the primary closer.  If you mix a primary closer with a primary set-up man, it makes the color blue.

Jose Bautista – Returned and hit a homer.  At season’s end, Bautista will meet in front of a congressional committee for making me look bad.

Vicente Padilla – 1 IP, 1 ER as he secured his 2nd save but he’s already showing signs of the rough waters that once sank Padilla’s flotilla.  I’d continue to hold Kuo and Jansen, in the non-sexual way.

Andre Ethier – Finally went hitless on Saturday, but returned with a 2-for-4, home run day on Sunday.  Alyssa Milano gave him a hand for three straight minutes.

Johnny Cueto – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Sonavabench!

Justin Masterson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, now has a 2.11 ERA.  Yeah, not sure why he shouldn’t be owned in all leagues for right now.

Roger Bernadina – He’s back!  Ooh, hold on, someone’s knocking on my door.  “Hey, it’s Excitement For Bernadina here.  I just moved into the building and wanted to say I appreciate you still using an exclamation mark when saying Bernadina’s back.  Us Excitement For Bernadina’s have to stick together.  By the way, did you see a package from Omaha Steaks by my door?  It’s missing.”  Riggleman, who’s not related to Jigga man, says Bernadina will play every day.  All Bernadina needs to do is hit and he’ll block Ankiel upon his return.

Anibal Sanchez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 11 Ks.  Their Ks are not the same, but Anibal reminds me of Buehrle.  You get nothing, you get a near perfect game.  You don’t get nothing, you get nowhere near a perfect game, triple negatives be damned.

Hanley Ramirez – Edwin Rodriguez, who’s currently posing as the Marlins manager, had a terrific quote that should be inspiring to Marlin players and fans alike.  He said, “(Hanley) will stay there in the third hole until we get another option.  There are not too many options.”  It’s not easy to insult your entire team while offering no hope.  He’s the Knute Rockne of baseball managers.  One day his Cooperstown plaque will read, “When Edwin Rodriguez faced adversity, he threw up his hands and offered no solutions.  Instead, he passive-aggressively blamed others.  It’s actually a little weird that he’s in Cooperstown with a losing record over a two-year span of coaching.”

Gaby Sanchez – 4-for-4 with his 5th homer as he bats .328.  Too bad he’s apparently not capable of the three hole.

Nelson Cruz – To the DL.  Hey, at least he got his first DL stint out of the way.  Now he only has three more stints to go.

Chris Davis – Will see more playing time with Nelson Cruz on the DL.  Bill James has to have his inseam taken out.

Julio Borbon – 4 steals in his last six games.  Could be a quick fill-in for those that lost Bourgeois, which also led to the fall of the Soviet Union.

Erik Bedard – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Looks like vintage Bedard, which means he’ll be injured any day now, but he should still be owned while we’re waiting for the other shoe to drop (and injure him).

Sam Fuld – 1-for-5, now batting .248.  I actually meant to include him in Friday’s Sell, but shizz got away from me.  Potatoes to chips, Fuld looks done-zo.

Mark Reynolds – 0-for-2, hitting .187.  Brian Roberts hitting .221; Markakis hitting .227; Lee .233; Vlad .267; Scott .253; Jones .250, Wieters .232.  The O’s are staying true to their name.

Carl Crawford – Since I told you to buy him, he’s hitting around .400.  Cust kayin’.

Danny Valencia – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and the hangover cure slam & legs.

Pedro Alvarez – Won’t need a trip to the DL…But will need 15 days on your bench while he recovers.  Just when you thought Alvarez couldn’t make you hate him anymore, he goes and gets hurt but not put on the DL.  Stop eating red velvet cupcakes and play baseball, you douchetard!

James McDonald – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Now has only 2 earned runs in his last 18 innings, 16 Ks to 7 BBs while lowering his ERA from 10.13 to 5.65.  Looking like that preseason sleeper that we thought he’d be.  And by we, I mean me and the rest of my graduating class from the College of Fantasy Baseball at Charleston.

Kendrys Morales – Going to Colorado for a 2nd opinion on his ankle.  Gotta love how major league teams conduct business.  He’s being paid three million this year, yet it took months of him being unable to run to seek a 2nd opinion.  What’s he got, Medicare?

Chris Narveson – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks.  I’ve gone hot and cold on Chris Narveson, which sounds like the Christian name for The Noid and is beginning to act like it.  Just hard to get confident about a guy who gets hit by the Astros and pitches fine vs. decent teams.

Lance Berkman – 1 for his last 11.  Better get back in the DeLorean.

Kyle McClellan – 8 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Same shizz as Narveson, except his K:BB is 22:15 in 43 2/3 IP.  At any point, Dave Duncan’s abracadabra could leave an abracadaver.

Fernando Salas – The Cards “closer,” Salas, relieved the Cards “closer,” Eduardo Sanchez.

Tyson Ross – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Team ERA of 2.69 and that’s with their crizzappy closer.  Get on board with all the Oakland A’ces, they’re your American League hodgepadres.

Derek Jeter – 4-for-6, 2 homers and a steal.  Some may view this as Jeter is finally coming alive.  I thought that too until I stroked my mustache a few times.  This is Jeter’s owners opportunity to finally sell him for value.  This is one game.  Even if Cap’n Jeets comes alive for a week or two, he’s still not going to return to the player he once was.  Mustache, “You’re welcome.”

Curtis Granderson – 3-for-4, three runs, two RBIs, one home run, zero idea what A-Rod sees in girls with manly faces.

Chris Young – Headed to the DL with shoulder tightness.  I didn’t even know giraffes had shoulders.

Not that there’s anything wrong about being from NJ.  Both Rudy and I are proud to be from NJ, though not in NJ.  NJ ex-pats are great.  We spread our love of high-haired women and capicola around the country.  As for Jay Bruce, he’s sucking on the ol’ suckhole.  You can say that again, but please don’t just say it again cause that’s lame; I really don’t like when people do that. Okay, random italicized voice.  Though I have cut back to three cups of coffee a day, so that’s helped with my patience. Can I continue?  Yup. We’re all on the same page that it’s only two weeks into the season, right?  If Bruce had 12 homers in April and went into a two week slump, you’d care?  Well, probably a little, but c’mon.  It’s insane the amount of people in comments and our fantasy baseball forums ready to jump ship on Bruce.  There’s no projection changes on him.  He’s a hair away from what you’re going to get from Nelson Cruz.  If you can trade a sucker owner seventy cents on the dollar for Bruce, you do that all day and twice on Muesday.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

David Murphy – Probably the number one hitter pick-up this week.  How’s dem apples?  Delicious!  Murphy is worth a grab in all leagues while Hamilton tries to find someone to blame for his fragile body and awkward headfirst slide.  Isn’t the first step accepting personal responsibility for your own shortcomings?

Sam Fuld – The other shoe is gonna drop any day now and Fuld will go back to hunting wabbits and being unownable.

Johnny Damon – I know, exciting!  Next I’m gonna tell you to eat your vegetables and wear aqua socks in the locker room to avoid Athlete’s foot.  The entire Rays offense started the season a week and a half late, Damon included.  He’s far from a huge upside play, but he should be owned in more than 20% of leagues.

Daniel Murphy – Middle infidel options this week are boring with a dash of yawnstipating.  The Mets seemed to figure out Emaus is sick as in unhealthy, not sick as in sick.

Maicer Izturis – Hey, hey, how ya doing?  Maicer, what goes on, Maicer?  Tomorrow, it’s Saturday, Saturday, it’s a Saturday.  And it’s time for some bleh stats from Maicer.

Jamey Carroll – Um… Let’s see what positive I can say.  He has a hot girl name?  Yeah, I got nothing.  He’s playing.  That’s it.

Jed Lowrie – People seem to love good ol’ Jed.  Well, move to Beverly Hills!  He’s a pretty light hitting MI.  Not much more than Polanco even with everyday ABs.  He is hitting and playing right now though.

Jon Herrera – Won’t continue to be as valuable as he’s been this week, but he does have speed.  SAGNOF!

David Freese – Lost Zimmerman?  Turn your FML into YML (Yay My Life)!  For a limited time only, Freese will adequately fill in with the outside chance of staying productive for the whole year.

Wilson Betemit – He’s an Own While Hitting, which needs a snappier name and it might find its way into the glossary.

Brian Fuentes – How is he owned in less than 40% of ESPN leagues?  Did Andrew Bailey sign up for 60% of ESPN leagues?

Sean Burnett – Riggleman, who is not related to the Jigga man, says Storen will share chances, but Burnett is actually, ya know, getting saves.

Kyle Farnsworth – For those sitting in the back of the room, chewing on gum and passing notes, Farnsworth is the Rays closer.

Matt Thornton/Chris Sale/Sergio Santos – Mergio Thornsale is getting saves for the Pale Hose and they’re runny.

Chris Narveson – Was in last week’s Buy/Sell, is in this week’s, will he wear the Three Wolf Moon shirt and go for the Pat Riley-patented three-peat next week?

Zach Britton – You got your tickets for Wootstock, you eat Jujubes like they’re your acne medicine and Britton has been on your team since he was a junior in high school.  Fair enough.  For those non-mavericks reading along, you can add him, just watch out for certain match-ups.

Wilson Ramos – There was a pop group in Venezuela who translated all of Wilson Phillips’ music into Spanish.  Their name was Wilson Ramos.  A singer in Wilson Ramos was the daughter of the lead singer from the Mamis Y Papis.  That is all completely true.  The Nats have a lot of nothing with “At One Time My Nickname Pudge Was Literal Because of Steroids” Rodriguez.  Ramos has a 12-homer bat.  NL-Only or two catcher leagues take notice.

SELL

Vernon Wells – In my rankings, I said, “I wouldn’t draft Wells with your team.  Ain’t worth the headache.”  Take an aspirin and lose Wells.

Austin Jackson – I call this Sell column, “I told you I didn’t like these guys three months ago, except for Alvarez.”  Jackson doesn’t have the crazy speed like some SAGNOF’ers, isn’t a good average guy despite last year and has little power.  I.e., bleh, blech, belch.

Chone Figgins – I hate to dump him outright, so I’m not suggesting that.  See if you can sell him to anyone for anything.  Well, anything but Jamey Carroll.

Pedro Alvarez – I’m concerned, friends.  He might hit .220 this year.  I’m not telling you to drop him, but I’d see if I could sell him to someone who thinks they’re buying low.  BTW, The other day I fielded a Pedro Alvarez question in person.  So I met a girl who plays fantasy baseball.  Of course, I thought this was terrific.  Then I went out on a date with her and it felt like I was dating Random Razzball Commenter.  “Do you like sushi?”  “Um, yeah, yeah…So when I DL Hamilton, would you pick up David Murphy?”  “Sure, wanna order edamame?”  “That’s fine…”  She looks at her cellphone, “Hey, Ben Francisco’s available too.  And what do I do with Pedro Alvarez?”  I want to thank all of you for ruining what should have been a great date.