Fantasy Baseball Advice

If Sergio Valente were a person and not just a clothing brand name and if he played fantasy baseball and owned Garrett Atkins in 2008, he might’ve said, “Garrett Atkins, you looks like craps. You know that?” (Valente talks with a bit of an accent.) Valente was right with his fictitious assessment. Atkins did “looks” like “craps” in 2008. But 2008 was sooooo last year like Joaquin Phoenix’s acting career. Let’s look at 2009. Can Atkins turn around on a fastball in 2009? Can Atkins stick in the third spot in the Rockies order now that Holliday’s gone? Will Atkins even stay with the Rockies? Does Atkins have too much pepper on his paprikash? Not to repeat, but to answer. Atkins numbers for 2008 look like this 86/21/99/.286/1 or as I like to call those stats, “Injured Scott Rolen Numbers.” But what about Atkins in 2009? Can’t a brother get a second chance? I suppose. (God, knows I’m willing to give Alex Rios a second chance in 2009.) As I said in our Fantasy Baseball Forums, “Atkins is a 17/80 player outside of Coors and he could get traded. There’s lots of third basemen that would be an upgrade over him even if he stays in Coors. He’s more the player he was in 2008 than he was in 2006.”  And that’s me quoting me! I go on to talk about how his OPS keeps dipping and his Away OPS is the “craps.” In certain situations, Atkins may be a keeper for you (think real deep leagues where you have limited choices), but, for most, Atkins is not a fantasy baseball keeper for 2009. Anyway, here’s some more keepers or players to not keep for your fantasy baseball team in 2009:

KEEP

Aaron Hicks – This is a very deep league keeper, but I just had to write his name. Aaron Hicks…. Look at that, I just wrote it again. It may not be until 2010 or even 2011, but in deep leagues that holds minor leaguers, Aaron Hicks is a keeper. He’s going to be a young Daryl Strawberry (minus the coke), according to Baseball America. (They didn’t mention the coke part.)

Logan Morrison – Logan Morrison is a raw, powerful first baseman. Member how the Marlins shipped off Jacobs to make room for Cantu? Well, don’t expect Cantu to stay around that long. His salary might go above one million at some point. Marlins have no problem promoting people so keep your eye on Morrison for 2009, and, in deep keeper leagues, he’s a good one to hold onto.

DON’T KEEP

Michael Young – As far as empty average doodes go, Young isn’t that bad. Then again, a sudden heart attack isn’t a bad way to die either, but you’re still dead if you catch my drift.

I can picture Tim Kurkjian’s voice cracking, Is this a Great Game, or What?!. Joe Morgan won’t be invited. Bill James will throw out the first pitch. A nickname like Baseball Crank will be worn as a badge of honor. Someone will argue that Pat Burrell isn’t really that bad of a baseball player and make a perfectly logical argument. Everyone will be wearing a lazy frown yet be completely happy. So why does Santana start the All-Star Game in our world instead of in The Real World where he wasn’t even invited? (Not The Real World: Hollywood, which lost two key members of its cast, and now sputters towards a reunion.) Quality Starts this year: Haren, Hudson and Lincecum are tied for first with 15. Santana (it’s safe to say Santana would’ve got another QS last night if not for rain) is #2 with 14. Webb and Volquez win the bronze with 13. Yet, Haren and Santana are tied for 15th in wins with 8. Listen to some with 10 wins — Lohse, Nolasco, Cook, Padilla, Floyd (not Bannister) and, of course, Andy Sonnanstine. Okay, but what does this have to do with fantasy baseball? Everything, you schmohawk! If any potential trade partner thinks any of those guys gets to twenty wins, then you politely agree and rob them blind. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Dustin McGowan – Placed on the McDL. I’d look McElsewhere. He’ll be an interesting sleeper (as they say in the biz, whatever biz this is) next spring.

Scott Linebrink – It was annonced he would fill-in for closer. So, of course, Dotel got the save. Yeah, that works. Thanks. If I was looking for a few saves, Dotel would now be the man I’d target.

Ryan Spilborghs – To the DL with an oblique strain. Doctor, I have an oblique problem. Well, Ryan, why don’t you just be more specific? Oofa!

Derek Lowe – Almost pitched a perfect game. Sounds like Alyssa Milano’s giving herpes to someone tonight.

Scott Hairston – HR yesterday. Guess how many he has. Go ahead. I’ll wait. Wrong! 14. You ready for a double dose of brain freeze? You would’ve got better production if you drafted the Hairstons instead of the Uptons. Ow, my temples hurt! Wait, here comes the knuckler — ESPN: The Magazine should’ve featured the Hairston brothers on their baseball issue instead of the Uptons. Stop, Grey, my eyes are bleeding from these sentences that make no sense!

Moises Alou – Still battling nicks and crannies. Probably has something to do with him being 84-years-old and older than his father.

Nick Markakis – I am Sparkakis!

Jonathan Sanchez – Got a tough break when the rain came and forced his start to get cut short. He could’ve went another two innings. Or not! What am I, psychic?

Carlos Quentin – 2 HRs. I see no reason why he can’t hit 5 home runs a month from now until the end of the year aka 35 HRs total also also known as 14 more HRs.

Garrett Atkins – 2 HRs. Now has 14 on the year, I say he ends with 27. That’s less than most think, making him a Buy Low of Moderate Proportions.

Mark Mulder – In the forums, Peter had this to say, “Mulder recorded one out in the top of the 1st, walked 2, then left the game with an injury…. On the bright side, neither of the runners scored… so it is arguably Mulder’s most effective start since May 17, 2006.” It’s funny, because it’s true.

Josh Hamilton – He gets high on K-Rod’s supply.

Juan Rivera – Hit his third home run and this is officially the last time I will mention him. Some other guys I officially stopped talking about this season are Carlos Quentin, Josh Hamilton, Dioner Navarro, Shane Victorino, Eugenio Velez… Okay, they weren’t all gems. (BTW, Velez just got recalled and Bochy said something like this (I don’t feel like looking up the exact quote), “Velez might get to pinch run, but that’s about it.” Seriously, he said something like that. Ouch, right? What? Without the actual quote it loses its oomph? You look it up then.)

Lance Berkman – 2 steals, now 14 on the year. Berkman is making a strong case for Fantasy MVP, if they gave out an award for that shizz. His numbers so far 76/22/70/.348/14. He will absolutely kill some fantasy owners next year when he’s drafted too early.

Jeff Francoeur – You ride out Player A for three months through the worst slump of their career, then you drop Player A on Friday when they are demoted to the minors. Now Player A returns three days later and, in his second game back, he hits a home run. Do you pick up Player A again? Or do you risk watching Player A perform well on someone else’s team? Within the answer to this question is your very existence. If you pick up Player A again, you’re the type to give people lots of chances, including girlfriends. Sure, she slept with my best friend, but she was thinking about me. Sometimes this leads to people walking all over you. You’ll think you’re happy, but you won’t actually be for your entire life. Now if you’re the type that doesn’t pick up Player A, you’re tough as nails, and no one walks over you. You also distance yourself from people and don’t cut people enough slack. We broke up because she talked during the opening fifteen minutes of Goodfellas. NOBODY’S allowed to talk during that. You’ll probably find yourself cold and alone for the rest of your life. And that my friends is the Intro to the Tao of Frenchy. You’re welcome.