Fantasy Baseball Advice

The 2012 fantasy baseball rankings are just about in the bag, but first we look at the top 20 middle relievers for 2012 fantasy baseball.  No, next we’re not going to do the Top 20 Guys Who Will Have The Most Balks.  Chillax.  The only people that seem to pay attention to middle relievers are those that play in a Holds league.  That’s wrong, I tell ya.  A great way to balance out your ratios is by carrying a few middle relievers on your staff.  (BTW, Ron Jeremy can carry three middle relievers on his staff.)  Say you had Francisco Liriano last year and he mistook your team’s ERA for his toilet, but you also had Jonny Venters.  With just Liriano, you had the 5.09 ERA dump to clean up.  With Venters and his brand new toilet brush, you had a 3.81 ERA.  If you also carried Tyler Clippard, you had a combined 3.24 ERA.  Not to mention, you had 5 vulture saves.  9 junky wins.  8 maids o’ milking.  7 Gary Matthews Jr.’s leaping.  Oh, and your WHIP went from Liriano’s 1.49 to 1.19 and had an additional 200 Ks.  Okay, school’s out, Alice Cooper.  Now, with that said — yes, I pulled out the “with that said” — this middle men post is for 5×5 leagues where you want to handcuff your closer to potentially snag some saves and get good ratios.  I projected Holds for these guys, but they are not the top 20 Holds guys.  They are the most valuable when you consider vulture saves, Ks and ratios.  Anyway, here’s the top 20 middle relievers for 2012 fantasy baseball:

1. Aroldis Chapman – This is the first tier.  This tier goes from here until Adams.  I call this tier, “They might not have the best ratios, but they have the best ratios with the most vulture saves.”  Aroldis is being stretched out to start, but I don’t see how that happens without an injury to one of their starters.  Then again, Dusty is managing the Reds so no pitcher is safe, which could be a tagline for the movie made about the Dusty Baker biography, “Pitchers Ain’t Sh*t But Hos And Tricks.”  2012 Projections:  7-2/3.00/1.26/90, 22 Holds, 5 saves

2. Javy Guerra – As Aroldis might be in the rotation (doubtful), Guerra could be the closer.  I’m going on the assumption that the Dodgers make the right move in regards to their bullpen, but I’m not sure who received “common sense” in the divorce proceedings.  2012 Projections:  2-3/3.50/1.25/55, 20 Holds, 12 saves

3. Jon Rauch – I have him down for ten saves because he has closing experience (though none of it terrific) and Frank Francisco is just passable.  Honestly, a lot of guys below him are more valuable than him.  That’s not a tall crack either.  2012 Projections:  4-5/3.55/1.30/40, 20 Holds, 10 saves

4. Tyler Clippard – Nats have a solid staff, one of the best set-up men in baseball and a good offense.  In twelve-after-twenty, the Nats lost their innocence and their suckitude.  Now all praise to Jim Bowden for not being there anymore!  2012 Projections:  5-3/2.65/1.15/90, 20 Holds, 5 saves

5. Mark Melancon – Okay, besides Venters and Clippard this entire tier could be below the next tier if you’re not looking for saves.  For ungstance (which is how I say instance), David Robertson is soooooooooo (yeah, 10 oh’s) much better than Melancon if you just want ratio help.  Robertson probably won’t sniff a save though, unless Mo farts and explodes his colon and Soriano is a casualty.  2012 Projections:  6-2/3.25/1.25/65, 22 Holds, 5 saves

6. Jonny Venters – My projections for Venters might be on the low side.  He was fantabulous last year.  He also pitched in every game and then threw on the side five times a game then was taken to a carnival by Fredi Gonzalez to throw at the speed gun stand to try and win him a SpongeBob.  2012 Projections:  7-2/2.75/1.15/70, 24 Holds, 3 saves

7. Francisco Rodriguez – He’s getting paid something like $18 million to set up one of the best closers in the game, so he might just take a siesta for the better part of the season.  Or maybe the Polish Kielbasa from the sausage race will kidnap him to free up some salary money.  2012 Projections:  6-4/2.75/1.26/80, 18 Holds, 3 saves

8. Mike Adams – I thought hard about moving Adams up because of my distrust of Nathan’s stuff, not just his lips and ass.  The problem is the Rangers are stacked with potential Nathan replacements.  Good for them, not so good on speculating for vulture saves.  2012 Projections:  5-1/2.70/1.05/70, 24 Holds, 3 saves

9. David Robertson – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until the end of the post.  I call this tier, “Best Holds guys coupled with maybe a chance for some saves, though that’s less likely.”  Wow, Robertson’s numbers were insane last year.  A 13.50 K/9 and a 1.08 ERA.  Seriously, I looked at two different sites because I didn’t believe them at first.  His walks are such a mess that if he loses a K or two off his K/9, then the walks might catch up to him.  Know what happens when walks increase?  Runs.  It’s yours, Highlights!  2012 Projections:  3-1/2.70/1.22/90, 30 Holds

10. Sergio Romo – Another guy who had insane K numbers, only Romo’s weren’t coupled with any walks.  Like, none.  His season seemed like it was above his head, so I imagine his stats will come down a little.  Also, I will never use the word coupled again.  Sorry about that.  2012 Projections:  4-3/2.45/0.95/60, 28 Holds

11. Greg Holland – Speaking of a lot of Ks, Funky Cold Me-Holy-Crap Greg Holland was great last year.  I think fantasy baseballers (<–my mom’s term!) are gonna want to own Greg Holland more this year than Derek Holland.  Or not!  The future is a fickle mistress that blackmails you with pictures of your balls.  2012 Projections:  3-2/2.60/1.06/70, 28 Holds

12. Sean Marshall – He worries me a bit, though his recent numbers tell me he’s nothing to worry about.  I wouldn’t be surprised if Dusty uses him as a situational guy a lot more than he’s been doing recently, especially if Aroldis stays in the bullpen, which I think he does, and this is a long sentence, but still 40 words short of the world’s longest sentence; damn, that’s really long; I’m not even sure I can get there when I’m trying, which I’m not right now, otherwise I’d be disqualified from Guinness; I think; I’m not sure, actually.  2012 Projections:  4-2/3.00/1.15/70, 30 Holds

13. Joaquin Benoit – He has a good team for Holds, a closer in front of him that should keep him in the set-up role and a cool name.  Six of one, half dozen of another and sixteen more gives you 28 Holds.  2012 Projections:  6-2/3.00/1.04/60, 28 Holds

14. Vinnie Pestano – Vinnie invented swag, poppin’ bottles, making batters look like scabs.  Proof, I guess Vinnie got his swagger back, truth.  New watch alert; he throws.  Like the big ‘stache, Rollie; Vinnie got Ks like all of those.  Arm out the window through the city, he doesn’t throw slow.  Cock back, snap back, every hitter’s swing now has holes.  2012 Projections:  1-3/2.75/1.09/80, 25 Holds

15. Koji Uehara – There was talk of him moving to a new club.  Again.  I’m sure wherever he ends up he’ll get his Ks, Holds and Korean-fusion tacos.  2012 Projections:  2-2/2.85/1.00/70, 22 Holds

16. Antonio Bastardo – When Ryan Madson left Philly, he told Charlie Manuel you won’t have this bastard to kick around anymore.  Then him and Antonio had words.  Bastardo was almost ranked much higher, but I settled here because Papelbon should be fine and Antonio walks a crapton.  2012 Projections:  5-3/3.25/1.20/70, 25 Holds

17. Eric O’Flaherty – Top o’ the morning to you!  O’Flaherty had a huge number of Holds last year, but I think Fredi Gonzalez is the new Torre, chewing up and spitting out middle men.  The Braves should bring in Scott Proctor to be their pitching coach.  2012 Projections:  4-3/2.50/1.15/65, 25 Holds

18. Jose Veras – His walks are slightly egregious, but they used to be wholly egregious so we’re moving in the right direction.  He is Charlie Sheen in Major League sans the interesting haircut and hookers in the honeywagon, a name Sheen took quite literally.  2012 Projections:  1-3/3.75/1.28/80, 20 Holds

19. Michael Dunn – Another guy who’s trying to do his best Wild Thing impersonation.  Stay away if you’re trying for ratio help.  More of a Ks, Holds possibility.  2012 Projections:  3-1/3.70/1.32/75, 20 Holds

20. Joel Zumaya – There’s some guys that should be above Zumaya — Chris Resop, Grant Balfour, Ernesto Frieri, Jeff Samardzija, to name a few.  I’m more putting Zumaya’s name here to give people a head’s up that he’s coming back and he’s in a place where the closer had Twins fans thinking they were clever every time they’d say, “Oh, Crapps.”  2012 Projections:  Probably nothing, but it’s a deep league flyer.

Sergio Santos was traded to the Blue Jays for Nestor Molina, no relation to Alfred.  Santos will take over the Blue Jays closing job with Frank Francisco being waved away like a stale fart — Stank Fartcisco, if you will.  Santos was made for this job.  He’s a cyborg.  A cyborg of Ks who was sent here from the future to save games and to dance to the club remix of O Canada.  Only wish he wasn’t traded so less people would be aware of him and he’d come as a bargain in 2012 fantasy drafts.  Alas, he’s still gonna be worth a high (for a closer) draft pick.  Last year he had 92 Ks in 63 1/3 IP.  Who are you, Carlos Marmol?  I love you, Santos, now have my babies and then name them something with a K.  Like Klancy or Kasey or Keith.  Anyway, here’s some more moves for 2012 fantasy baseball:

Heath Bell – Signed with the Miami Marlins to replace Juan Carlos Oviedo, who wants to know why the Florida Marlins can change their name but he can’t.  Heath Bell will be a capable closer that I may or may not have on my fantasy teams, depending on where he’s drafted.  I think he’ll probably be too rich for my blood.  If I get a transfusion, I’ll revisit him.

Luke Gregerson – As of right now he’s going to be the Padres closer.  His K-rate was about as ugly as it gets for relievers.  Easily the worst K-rate for a successful reliever. (No data was shifted through to verify this, but he had a 5.50 K-rate; that’s egregious.  Or Egregerson, if you will.)  Does any of this matter if Gregerson’s on the board late and he’s still the closer in March (the Padres might get someone else or change their minds; it’s their prerogative)?  Nah, I’d draft Gregerson on every team of mine if he’s the closer.

Jon Rauch – Is anyone changing teams besides relievers?  C’mon, Pujols and Fielder, sign already!  For now, we have Rauch to talk about.  Yay.  He signed with the Mets to set-up in the 8th inning and reach things off of high shelves.

Frank Francisco – Hey, it’s Stank Fartcisco!  Long time no hear from.  The Mets brass, “Francisco and Rauch were so good in Toronto last year, let’s get them to close out our wins!”  Janitor overhearing them, “They weren’t good.”  Mets brass, “Hey, Janitor, you wanna manage the team?”  Janitor, “I am.  I’m Terry Collins.”  Mets brass, “Who?”  I’d be more than willing to draft Francisco since he’ll be getting saves, but it won’t be pretty.  I guarantee at least five times during 2012 you’ll hear me say, “Rauch is now the closer.”  Then a week later I’ll say, “Francisco’s the closer.”  Then a week after that I’ll say, “Hey, whatever happened to Bobby Parnell?”

Angel Pagan – Was traded to the Giants for Andres Torres (and Ramon Ramirez).  This trade happens in your fantasy league when two owners grow bored and trade apples for apples.  Neither of these apples are delicious.

Joe Saunders – Stays with the Diamondbacks.  NL West hitters rejoice.

Aaron Harang – The Harangutan brings his ugly mug to the Dodgers.  These are the times when I’m glad I don’t have to do Alyssa Milano’s job of sleeping with every Dodgers player.

Nate McLouth – Goes back to Pittsburgh.  Pirates obviously want to put together a McOutfield.  First one between Tabata and Presley to add Mc gets the starting gig.  There hasn’t been a complete McOutfield since the Federal League’s Boston Bogtrotters in 1915.

Matt Capps – Resigns with the Twins.  Member when Nathan signed with the Rangers and you asked me, “Grey, que paso?  Donde es Twins closer ahora?”  And I said, “Shut the SAP button off your computer.”  Good times we had.  Any hoo!  Capps will be the closer in Minny until he turds up their games and Gardenhire starts picking his bullpen scab.

Jerry Hairston Jr. – Signed by the Dodgers.  First Harang and now Hairston Jr.!  Dodgers look like they’re putting together a team using Groupons.

Kendrys Morales – Has been swinging aggressively and jogging on a weightless treadmill.  Looks like NASA’s got their first baseman!  In the moon league that Kendrys is training for, when you celebrate a game-winning home run, you gently fall down to home plate.

Kevin Slowey – To the Rockies.  That’s like dressing up Tina Turner as a piñata and inviting her to a quinceañera.

Dmitri Young – Lost 70 pounds and wants to get back into baseball.  The last time that much excess Young weight was lost was when the Twins traded Delmon to the Tigers.

Aroldis Chapman – Sounds like he won’t be in the rotation again in 2012.  Him and Joba should commiserate about how their clubs are totally Mr. Bungling their careers and costing them millions.

Bryce Harper – I already went over my Bryce Harper 2012 fantasy.  I wrote it while receiving shock therapy.  Since then the Nats said he might be the starting right fielder out of camp.  If I may read between the lines, what they actually said was, “We are not having Harper start out of camp, but we’d sure like to sell some tickets to our home games in April besides the ones Strasburg is pitching.”

Friends, neighbors and Razzballians, this is the last Closer Look of the season.  Sure, I’ll talk about closers during the roundups in the last month, but no more rankings that become dated usually about an hour after I post them.  The sadness!  The grief!  The inconsequence of it all!  Since our last look at all the closers, the loss of Brian Wilson — not The Beach Boy, we lost him 25 years ago to the purple pills — is the biggest news from last month to now that isn’t weather related.  I’d say we also lost Jon Rauch, but I’m not sure he was ever the closer and he’s seven-three so you can’t really lose him.  Just look up.  Bobby Parnell finally took over for Izzy after his momentous 300th save that was reported all across the globe (in a small blurb under a classified ad for a used couch.)  Jason Motte got a vote of confidence from his manager then a vote of no confidence, which I’m sure will flip-slop at least five more times in September.  Jordan Walden fatigued, needs a nap.  Huston Street got hurt — shocker!  Leo Nunez did his usual late-season dive.  Finally, Gregg gaggs yet aggain, but he’s been like that for years and it’s never changed his job security.  He’s the Teflon Closer.  Anyway, here’s all of the closers for your fantasy baseball team, as of right now:

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.

1. Mariano Rivera (David Robertson, Rafael Soriano)
2. Craig Kimbrel (+6) (Jonny Venters, Scott Linebrink)
3. Heath Bell (-1) (Chad Qualls, Luke Gregerson, Ernesto Frieri)
4. Jonathan Papelbon (-1) (Daniel Bard)
5. Jose Valverde (-1) (Joaquin Benoit, Ryan Perry)

Donkeycorns

Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns.

6. Carlos Marmol (Kerry Wood, Sean Marshall)
7. John Axford (+5) (Francisco Rodriguez)
8. Joel Hanrahan (-1)(Jose Veras, Chris Resop)
9. Francisco Cordero (Aroldis Chapman)
10. J.J. Putz (+4) (David Hernandez)
11. Kyle Farnsworth (+5) (Joel Peralta, J.P.Howell)
12. Neftali Feliz (+11) (Mike Adams, Koji Uehara, Mike Gonzalez)
13. Drew Storen (+5) (Tyler Clippard, Sean Burnett)
14. Sergio Santos (-3) (Matt Thornton, Chris Sale)
15. Chris Perez (+10) (Vinnie Pestano, Tony Sipp, Rafael Perez)
16. Ryan Madson (+3) (Brad Lidge, Antonio Bastardo)
17. Joe Nathan (+1) (Matt Capps, Glen Perkins)
18. Joakim Soria (Aaron Crow)
19. Brandon League (+1) (Jamey Wright)
20. Andrew Bailey (-5) (Brian Fuentes, Grant Balfour)
21. Javy Guerra (+5) (Kenley Jansen, Matt Guerrier)

Brain Freeze

I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Kevin Gregg– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Brian Roberts in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.

22. Jordan Walden (-1) (Scott Downs, Hisanori Takahashi)
23. Kevin Gregg (Jim Johnson)
24. Mark Melancon (Wilton Lopez)
25. Fernando Salas/Jason Motte (-4) (Octavio Dotel)
26. Bobby Parnell (+2) (Jason Isringhausen, Pedro Beato)
27. Frank Francisco (+3) (Casey Janssen, Jon Rauch)
28. Rafael Betancourt (-18) (Huston Street, Rex Brothers)
29. Steve Cishek/Leo Nunez/Edward Mujica (-17) (Mike Dunn)
30. Sergio Romo/Jeremy Affeldt/Ramon Ramirez/Santiago Casilla (-25) (Brian Wilson, Mike Love, John Stamos)

I was like, “Yo, Grey, you gotta do a Closer Look, like, last week so everyone knows what is the haps on closers!”  Then I was like, “After the trading deadline, which I went over in Toto, not a whole lot changes.”  Then I was like, “What is “the haps?”  The happenings?  Then say that.  And ‘in Toto?’  Are you talking in code for ‘in Total Douchebag?’”  It’s a constant struggle with myself to give you the best product, and, when I don’t give you the best product, it’s usually me blabbering about how it’s a constant struggle to give you the best product.  Incredibly, in the last month there’s only been three closer changes.  Capps to Nathan, Bastardo to Madson, which only happened because Madson was briefly injured last month when I did the last Closer Look, and D-ork to the Brewers, making Izzy the closer, which has been well documented on this site, and by ‘this site’ I mean the one you’re reading right now, not the porn window you have open underneath it.  Anyway, here’s all of the closers for your fantasy baseball team, as of right now:

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.

1. Mariano Rivera (David Robertson, Rafael Soriano)
2. Heath Bell (+3) (Chad Qualls, Ernesto Frieri)
3. Jonathan Papelbon (+1) (Daniel Bard)
4. Jose Valverde  (Joaquin Benoit, Al Alburquerque)
5. Brian Wilson (+1) (Sergio Romo, Jeremy Affeldt)

Donkeycorns

Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns.

6. Carlos Marmol (-3) (Sean Marshall)
7. Joel Hanrahan (Jose Veras, Chris Resop)
8. Craig Kimbrel (+3) (Jonny Venters, Scott Linebrink)
9. Francisco Cordero (Aroldis Chapman)
10. Huston Street (Matt Lindstrom)
11. Sergio Santos (+8) (Matt Thornton, Chris Sale)
12. John Axford (Francisco Rodriguez)
13. Leo Nunez (Edward Mujica, Mike Dunn)
14. J.J. Putz (+1) (David Hernandez)
15. Andrew Bailey (+3) (Brian Fuentes, Grant Balfour)
16. Kyle Farnsworth (+1) (Joel Peralta, J.P.Howell)
17. Joe Nathan (+5) (Matt Capps, Glen Perkins)
18. Drew Storen (-2) (Tyler Clippard, Sean Burnett)
19. Ryan Madson (+11) (Brad Lidge, Antonio Bastardo) 
20. Joakim Soria (Aaron Crow)
21. Brandon League (+2) (Jamey Wright)
22. Jordan Walden (+2) (Scott Downs, Fernando Rodney)
23. Fernando Salas (+3) (Jason Motte, Octavio Dotel)

Brain Freeze

I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Kevin Gregg– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Brian Roberts in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.

24. Neftali Feliz (-3) (Mike Adams, Koji Uehara)
25. Chris Perez (-17) (Vinnie Pestano, Tony Sipp, Rafael Perez)
26. Kevin Gregg (-2) (Jim Johnson, Mike Gonzalez)
27. Mark Melancon (Wilton Lopez)
28. Javy Guerra (+1) (Hong-Chih Kuo, Matt Guerrier) 
29. Jason Isringhausen (-15) (Bobby Parnell, Pedro Beato)
30. Jon Rauch (-1) (Frank Francisco, The Ghost of the Seagull that Dave Winfield Killed)

Matt Holliday heads to the DL with a quadriceps injury.  C’mon, Mantle played with no knees for ten years!  Have a scotch and get in the lineup!  John Jay should see time while Holliday recoups.  Worth owning in 12 team leagues and could make a decent sub while Holliday’s out.  That’s not to say he could make a decent hoagie.  Different things.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Kyle McClellan – Out for at least a couple of weeks with a hip flexor strain.  Or it’s hip to be strained, if you’re a kid of the 80′s.

Lance Lynn – Will fill in for McClellan.  Decent K-rate in the minors, a few too many walks at times and barely above average stuff.  But Dave Duncan once coached a pot of a chili to a 12-5 record, so I went out and grabbed Lynn in an NL-Only league.  He could quickly become a decent gamble in mixed leagues, but for now he only has one start guaranteed.

Allen Craig – Didn’t start yesterday, but that didn’t stop him from continuing to hit.  He went 1-for-3 with a home run while batting nearly .500 over the last week.

Hanley Ramirez – Always one to take any opportunity to not hustle, Hanley’s waiting until Friday to decide whether to go on the DL.  If I had to take a guess, I think he will go on the DL.  If you really need speed, I’d grab Bonifacio, who will be playing short in media res.

Aroldis Chapman – Won’t be activated on Friday when eligible.  Dusty said, “He’s got to get things together mentally and emotionally.”  Hey, Aroldis, stop watching Lifetime movies!

Brian Matusz – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks.  He used to be the weak side of the Double Stuff Orioles (with Tillman), but, since his 2nd half ERA last year was 3.63 with a solid K-rate, he’s been the pitcher to own…In deep leagues.  In shallower leagues, he’ll be serviceable at times.  There’s an outside chance for a breakout, but I’d conservatively expect around a 4.00 ERA overall.

Michael Pineda – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks.  I feel like I haven’t talked about Pineda enough.  He has more than a K per inning, a WHIP of 1.00 and an ERA of 2.30.  Let’s see, that’s better than F-Her, Tommy Hanson and Sabathia.  Bingo bango!

Josh Willingham – Yesterday, he hit his third homer in his last six games.  The Hammer in Oakland that you can touch and doesn’t wear pants seventeen sizes too big is crazy hot right now.

Clint Barmes – 2-for-5 and he hit a home run on May 30th.  For him, that’s hot.  Also, I watched him hit yesterday and he looked locked in. Not to mention, I just dropped him in one league so he’s going to spite me.

Brent Lillibridge – 2-for-5 and his 2nd home run in the last five games to go along with a modest five game hitting streak.  Playing every day puts him in over his head like Michael J. Fox in The Secret of My Success, but while he’s hitting, what the hey?

David Ortiz – Hit his 4th home run in the last week and he’s hitting .313 on the year.  Did he get some of Bartolo Colon’s stem cells injected into him too?

Laynce Nix – Hit his 9th home run yesterday.  Yeah, instead of Josh Hamilton in the 2nd round, you could’ve drafted Laynce Nix.  Fantasy Baseball:  If You’re Not Already Prematurely Balding, It’ll Make You Pull Out Your Hair.

Dan Haren – Lower back spasms caused him to fall to his knees in pain.  He screamed, “I feel bad!” then Mark Trumbo put a cape over his shoulders.  Haren said later it felt better and he’s waiting to see how it feels on Thursday before pushing his next start.

Erick Aybar – 3-for-4 and his 14th steal.  Now batting .315 on the year.   He’s a two week hot streak away from being the best shortstop in baseball, even if that’s like being the tallest midget.

Mike Stanton – 3-for-4 with his 12th home run.  The other day someone accused me in the comments of not showing enough love to Stanton.  I found that offensive since I literally drool every time I watch him bat.  On my Trapper Keeper, it says, “I heart Pony Sticks.”  That’s what I secretly call Stanton.  We have pet names.  And I don’t show enough love for him?  Over his first 150 games in the majors, 75/33/88/.258/5.  At the age of 21, that’s a thing of beauty.  If I had to say one player that I think would make the Hall of Fame that has been in the league for only one year, it would be Stanton.  He’ll have 500 homers by the time he’s 33.  Is that enough love?

Javier Vazquez – 6 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Well, he finally started K’ing some hitters, so that’s good.  But four earned in six innings isn’t exactly dying your hair blonde and pretending to be Guy Fieri at a local diner.

Cody Ross – 4-for-5 with a steal.  Now has two homers and is 7 for his last 13.  Does he think it’s the playoffs?

Juan Miranda – 2 for his last 18.  And…scene!

Jhonny Peralta – 2-for-4, after hitting 7 homers and .354 in May.  Okay, pop quiz, hotshot.  Who is hitting for a better average?  Peralta or Miggy?  Yup.

Justin Morneau – 0-for-3.  Hey, it’s good to have you back!

Rajai Davis – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 1st home run.  Now hitting near .350 over the last week and 15 steals on the year.  For a SAGNOF’er, because of his placement in the lineup, he might set the record for ribbies.  Prince Fielder, “Someone say ribbies?!”

Ubaldo Jimenez – 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks.  2010 called, it wants its start back.

Carlos Santana – Indians scored 13 runs and Santana went 0-for-3.  Ticker tease!  Though, it’s been more like a ticker season.  Comatose Indians Fan, “I’ve been asleep for the last two months but I see the Indians have the best record in baseball?!  Wow, I can only imagine what Carlos Santana, Sizemore and Choo are doing!”  Yeah, not what you think.

Asdrubal Cabrera – 4-for-6, 2 runs, 3 RBIs.  Okay, he is the best shortstop as of right now.  Fair enough.

Shaun Marcum – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Since I’m venting today, someone the other day mentioned how I didn’t say anything when Marcum had a bad last start.  He pitched fine, he grooved one to some rookie that no one thought could hit (Brandon Crawford) and he hit a grand slam.  He threw a bad pitch, he didn’t throw a bad game.

Nyjer Morgan – 2-for-3 in back-to-back games.  He’s really not much better than Gomez, and Gomez isn’t very good, but Morgan is at least hitting.

Vicente Padilla – From the files of, “Yeah, Well, Dur,” Mattingly says Padilla will regain the closer role on Friday when he returns from the DL.

Daniel Murphy – 2-for-4 as he stays sizzling.  At least two hits in the past four games.  He’s not glamorous, but hot schmotatos rarely are.

Kevin Correia – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks with his 8th win.  I’m still waiting for Correia to go south and smell of fermented cabbage.

Mike Leake – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks.  He’s a deep league add at this point since he may not stay in the rotation for long.

Jay Bruce – Hit his 17th home run.  Or one home run for every baby born in the Ohio area in the last month named Bruce.  Broose counts as well.

Felipe Paulino – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks.  I do love his Ks, but…must…resist…urge…to…pick…him….up.  He’s just too inconsistent.

Billy Butler – Hit his 4th home run, a game winner.  After he crossed home, someone threw beads at him.

Daisuke Matsuzaka – Headed for Tommy John surgery.  In other words, Dice-K’s elbow rolled craps.  I always thought it was gonna be “Dice” Clay who’d need Tommy John surgery because of his unorthodox smoking form.  Dice-K’s ulnar collateral ligament blew — it needed the money — oh!