Washington Nationals: Another turn on the closerousel for the Nationals, as Henry Rodriguez is no longer taking the ball in the 9th. BiBi showed the world on Wednesday that Davey Johnson was wrong for demoting him by allowing a homerun and walking a batter without recording a K. Tyler Clippard locked the door Tuesday with a clean outing and a K, picking up the save. He’s in the pole position for the job and has the skills (13.2% career swinging strike rate, 2.97 career ERA) to keep it until Drew Storen or Brad Lidge return. Sean Burnett has had slight issues with right-handed bats in his career – a near even walk-to-strikeout rate and a FIP/xFIP a full run higher than against LHB – and may grab the odd save based on matchups or if Clippard is used on consecutive days. Craig Stammen has flourished in his transition to the bullpen, but hasn’t been used in many late-inning situations as of yet and is likely third in the pecking order.
Cincinnati Reds:Sean Marshall continues his 2+ years of dominance by putting up career bests in K (31.4%), BB (4.4%), and GB (59.1%)… oh, and his .476 BABIP led to several blown leads and Aroldis Chapman inheriting Marshall’s post in the Red regime. Viva La Revolution! Chapman has struck out 43 of 91 batters faced and owns a 0.42 FIP this season. Those are not typos. He struggled throwing strikes last season and still put up a 3.60 ERA with a 1.30 WHIP. He may well end this season with an ERA under 1.50 and a sub-1.00 WHIP. Word is that Chapman doesn’t like pitching in back-to-back games; Marshall will get a save opportunity in such a situation.
Chicago White Sox: Robin Ventura has officially named Addison Reed the closer for the Pale Hose. Reed’s lowest K% in the minors was 34.2% – he’s the best pitcher in the White Sox bullpen and will package his saves in a bundle of strikeouts. Expect his walk rate to drop a little as an added bonus. Jesse Crain looks to be the add if Reed falters.
New York Yankees: Joe Girardi indicated Wednesday that Rafael Soriano will be the closer even when David Robertson returns from the DL. Soriano is missing fewer bats and throwing fewer strikes than last season, so if you own Robertson, enjoy the Ks and wait until Soriano lights himself on fire.
Los Angeles California Angels of Anaheim Orange County:Ernesto Frieri has struck out 37 of his 82 batters faced this season, and 19 of 32 since joining the Angels. Scott Downs has sat down 7 of 50 batters on strikes. I did the math, it says Frieri should be owned. He obviously won’t continue to strike out 3 of every 5 batters he faces, but he’s a better pitcher than Downs and as soon as Downs has a rough inning I think Frieri officially gets the nod.
Chicago Cubs:Rafael Dolis farted liquid from the mound again Wednesday, allowing 3 runs on 3 hits and 2 walks before getting pulled. Kazaam! He throws his fastball 90% of the time and sports a K/BB ratio of 10/13. I’m amazed he’s even in the big leagues. James Russell is next in line for saves for now, and he possesses a 15/10 K/BB mark in 21 innings. That counts as sparkling on the Cubs. I honestly think Carlos Marmol falls back into the job when he comes back from the DL, and would be the only Cub I’d own at gunpoint. The entire Cubs bullpen is an unmitigated disaster.
Arizona Diamondbacks:J.J. Putz was hosed on what should have been a called second strike and a thrown out runner at second base, but alas, he surrendered two walks and a double, blowing his third save of the season Tuesday night. His velocity was 90/91 MPH for the night, and he’s had trouble with first pitch strikes this season (51.5%, down from 65.9% last season). He’s throwing total strikes at near career rates, and batters are chasing more of his pitches out of the zone than ever before; Putz’s problem is that hitters are teeing off on pitches in the zone, making contact at a 92.2% clip (86.5% last season). Assuming his velocity drop was a one night issue, I think he’ll regain his command and be fine. His struggles seem like statistical noise at this juncture.
San Francisco Giants: Brandon Crawford cost Madison Bumgarner (and me) a win by booting a groundball, and Santiago Casilla (and my opponent) picked up the win in extra innings. No breaking news here, just wanted to reveal how petty I am. Sergio Romo is a better pitcher, but arm issues prevent him from handling an every day workload, thus Casilla is the man for the Giants.
Hey, I can bench Eric Hosmer! That was the first thing I thought when I picked up Matt Adams. First stop for Hosmer is my bench, next stop waivers. Yesterday, our prospect writer Scott said this about Adams, “Despite the impressive audition (in Spring Training), St. Louis sent him to Triple-A Memphis where he’s hit .338/.373/.597 with 9 HR through his first 150 plate appearances… With an advanced approach, solid on base skills, and plus power, Adams has a chance to do damage in the bigs right away. He’s worth an add in most formats. There’s really not much else to say, except Grey is handsome.” I obviously wouldn’t have copied and pasted all of that if I didn’t agree. In a 12 team mixed league, I found room for him (then again my offense could use anything at this point — I have Brian Dozier!) by losing Anthony Rizzo. I do think Rizzo will be up soon and is worth owning, but I could only speculate on one “young 1st baseman that will fix my other young 1st baseman problem (Hosmer!).” With Berkman possibly out a while (as of this writing, his timetable wasn’t clear, but it didn’t look good and he was talking of retirement), Adams just needs to hit to get everyday playing time (please, deity of my choice, let him hit). At first, I could see him platooning a bit with Carpenter so don’t overreact on who you drop when you pick up Adams, but if you’re hurting at 1st base, get smart and don Adams. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Aroldis Chapman – Hey, he’s now the closer! Mazel tov! I remember when he was just a new Cuban raftee and, now, he’s a man. A real fine chap, man. He has yet to allow an earned run in 22 1/3 innings to go with 39 Ks. Man, that is beautiful. Shoot, I have to change my shorts. And…I’m back! You miss me?
Ryan Ludwick – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs with his 4th homer. Just when it looked like Heisey finally bought himself a longer leash, Ludwick comes along to confuse Dusty. (Yes, they both played yesterday, but that was only because there was a DH.)
Paul Konerko – After taking one off his face on Friday, the White Sox said they should be able to punim back in on Tuesday.
Jake Peavy – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks. No kidding, who would you prefer: Peavy or Lincecum? Is it close?
Gordon Beckham – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer in the last three games. If it’s not the Rip Van Winkle of sleepers. If you’re desperate for infield help, I could see grabbing him for your middle infidel spot.
Adam Dunn – 1-for-4 with his 14th homer. Like one of those weekly Bieber’s been trampled by 1400 screaming Asian girls rumors, the reports of Dunn’s death were also premature. Rob Thomas would say he’s come un-Dunn. Fantasy Baseball Blurb Police, “Bieber and Rob Thomas in the same blurb? C’mon, man, don’t make me ticket you.”
Ike Davis – Terry Collins (who?) said that Davis could be headed to the minors. All kidding aside, have the Mets doctors checked him again for Valley Fever? Actually, has anyone but the Mets doctors checked him for Valley Fever?
Kevin Youkilis – Phillies and Indians are “monitoring” Youuuuuuuk. I found this funny for some reason. Next time I’m caught sitting outside an ex-girlfriend’s house, I’m going to say I was just “monitoring” her. Wouldn’t surprise me to see Youuuuuuk moved. Red Sox don’t want to send Middlebrooks down and Youuuuuuk’s so welcome in the Red Sox clubhouse that Bobby Valentine commissioned Billy Ocean to remix his own song to, “Get Outta My Team, Get Into My Veggie Wrap With Swiss Chard.”
Josh Beckett – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. Cliff Lee, who went 7 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks, as the two last place teams battled. The Comatose Red Sox and Phillies fans, that conked out the day before the season started, blink their eyes open, “Don’t you mean first place?”
Jarrod Saltalamacchia – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer in as many games, and 7th on the season. Why do I wish he had 1st base eligibility and I drafted him instead of Hosmer?
Mike Aviles – 2-for-5 with his third homer in as many games. Thomas Peefuttle who?! Actually, that’s a made-up name, but Aviles has been good even if you compare him to someone who’s real.
Jonathan Lucroy – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 7 RBIs and 2 homers. Actually, I wouldn’t mind dropping my whole RCL offense and having only catchers.
Corey Hart – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs with his 9th homer as the Brewers exploded for 16 runs. Elias Sports Bureau said Corey Hart was rated by People Magazine as The Ugliest Man Alive. Actually, Elias didn’t say that, but here’s something that was overheard at the Stamford compound of Elias Sports Bureau. “In Accounting, Jeff and Dave have casually joked about switching wives twenty-seven times in the last two weeks for a new office record. Also, Jeff recorded it a record 17 times to be used for blackmail purposes later.”
Colby Lewis – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. the Astros. In related news, American League pitchers are fully supportive of the Astros’ 2013 league switch.
Vance Worley – Has a bone chip in his elbow. He says he’s going to “man up” and pitch through the pain. Who’s he Bruce Willis cutting a bullet out of his arm and bandaging it up with a shirt he rips with his teeth? Ridiculous to think Worley’s going to be anywhere near as effective and not just end up back on the DL.
Anthony Rizzo – That billboard counting down is not how many hours until the America’s Got Talent premiere, that’s until The Scer arrives. The Cubs confirmed yesterday what I was saying on Friday. Rizzo’s arrival, or arrizzal, is imminent.
Max Scherzer – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 15 Ks. There’s the eggs Woody Allen was talking about that we need. Hopefully, if you dealt with the bad half of the schizo-Scherzer, you also got this good half.
Rod Barajas – B*****s ain’t shizz usually, but, for those in deep leagues, B*****s has 2 homers in his last three games.
Greg Dobbs – 3-for-4, and .154 over the last week, but whatever. I just want to rant about how stupid it is that Ozzie is splitting up Hanley and Stanton with Dobbs. I get the whole righty/lefty thing, but is that really going to change how opposing managers think when they see Greg Dobbs? It’s not like they’re saying to themselves, “I’d go to my righty here but Dobbs, who’s hitting .253 against righties over the last three years, will kill me.” Move Giancarlo into the cleanup spot, I need RBIs!
Josh Johnson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks. After the game, his porn star brother, Gosh Johnson sprayed the team with what everyone is hoping was champagne.
Emilio Bonifacio – Ended up on the 15-day DL with a sprained thumb. When asked how it was feeling, Bonifacio stayed true to his name and tried to put on a good face.
Derek Lowe – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks to lower his ERA to 2.15. He said he’d have an ERA under 2 if it wasn’t for Indians fans.
Mike Trout – 3-for-4, now batting .355. At Sunday brunch, he had a mimosa, grapefruit wedges and a slam & two legs. Trout homered and stole a base off Bass, something the media is calling “Fish on Fish” crime.
Vernon Wells – Headed to the DL with a thumb injury. He’ll have some free time now to reply to all his fan mail that is meant for the actor from Weird Science, Vernon Wells.
Alexi Amarista – 1-for-6, with a steal. He was the piece the Padres got from the Angels for Frieri. Here’s what Bud Black said Scioscia told him, “The first thing (Scioscia) said was this guy can play six positions, he can feel comfortable with them anywhere, he swings the bat and he has some speed, so that versatility plays much better in the National League.” Right, nothing at all like Maicer Izturis. With the Padres now having (n)O-Dog, Amarista has been playing 2nd base. In the minors, he hit for a decent average with speed. In the majors, I could see him having a .270 average with 25 steals. Definitely NL-Only grab. I’d hold for now in most mixed leagues.
Justin Smoak – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. I told you last week to grab him for his road trip and now he heads back to Safeco, so where there’s Smoak, there’s other options off the waiver wire.
Mike Carp – Has homers in back-to-back games. Carpe Carp!
Wei-Yin Chen – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER as he was pitchslapped by Strasburg. I’ve seen Tony Pena pitch better than Chen. And Tony was pitching in a Home Run Derby.
Danny Espinosa – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs with his 4th homer. Going on about ten days of hot schmotatoness.
Jesus Flores – 1-for-4 with his 1st homer. If you lost Wilson Ramos, Flores could basically do the same thing. And that’s a promise or my name isn’t Grey “El Toro” Albright.
Stephen Strasburg – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, but left the start with bicep tightness. He said he should be fine for his next start. He’s going to apply some Hot Stuff and then not touch his groin for the next five days.
Mark Ellis – Will be out for at least 6 weeks as the doctor performed an emergency procedure on him to relieve pressure in his leg. The Dodgers will turn to Justin “The Inspector” Sellers and Elian “I Wouldn’t Mind Checking Out Miami Again” Herrera. Elian and Sellers aren’t much to look at outside of deep NL-Only leagues, especially if they’re sharing time. Since Ellis will be out, the Dodgers may now ask Flavor Flav to no longer stand above Dee Gordon’s head with his giant ticking clock.
Jeff Francoeur – 4-for-4, but I’m giving two of them to the now batting in the seven hole, Hosmer.
Wade Miley – 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks. I see you moving your cursor towards picking up Miley. Stop and back away from your computer. Go splash some coffee on your face. You’re sleepwalking.
Brandon McCarthy – Went to the DL, but the A’s found no damage to his scapula. Sounds like there should be a chicken in there, i.e., Chicken Scapula. BTW, when you’re in a fancy restaurant and the waiter rolls up the cart carrying your entrees, make sure you say, “They weren’t joking when they said it was all a la carte.” It’ll make you look classy.
Todd Frazier went deep twice yesterday. When asked the other day if Frazier would play, Dusty Baker said, “It could be (Miguel) Cairo. I’ve got an idea what guys’ strengths and weaknesses are… We’ll see. It’s up to Frazier. Okay, who switched out my mint toothpicks with splinters! You know my T-picks kill the skunk breath!” Todd Frazier is a damn fine specimen of underachieving-could-easily-be-achieving-if-he-starts-hitting prospect hitting nom-nom. In the minors last year, he had 15 homers and 17 steals, year before 17/14, year before he helped pen Richard Marx’s foray into romance novels, “Hold Onto The Knights.” What can’t he do!? Not sure if that’s rhetorical, but I’ll answer. I’m not sure he can hit for an average over .240 in the long run. There’s a chance Rolen gets Wally Pipp’d even if he returns healthy and that ‘if’ is the size of Hasselhoff’s ego. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Aroldis Chapman – 1 IP, 0 ER, 2 Ks. ERA is at 0.00, WHIP is at 0.57. Dusty Baker said yesterday that the plan is for Aroldis to start someday. That reminds me of a sentence I read recently in Scientific American, “Because of natural evolution patterns, it’s conceivable that pigs will fly someday.”
Vance Worley – Placed on the DL. Went from a match-ups pitcher who could get lit to having an inflamed elbow. Call the fire department!
Clay Buchholz – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks to lower his ERA to 7.77. He looked fine yesterday, but, no kidding, I can’t believe he’s still in the rotation. Like for real, or “Pho Real” if we’re going by the name of my Vietnamese restaurant that I’m minority owner of. Last time I write up a bucket list drunk.
Daisuke Matsuzaka – Bobby Valentine said he’s not close to returning. Red Sox fans exhaled.
Chase Utley – Yesterday, he took grounders. Phillie fans inhaled.
Hiroki Kuroda – 5 IP, 7 ER. Yankee fans burped.
Ivan Nova – Set for a bullpen session tomorrow. Pop the champagne. Super, Nova.
Fernando Rodney – Notched his 12th save and lowered his ERA to 0.48. I’m guessing the Devil wouldn’t make any deals with him while he was on the Angels.
Carlos Ruiz – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 1 RBI and his 7th homer. Hannah, so far and away the Phils best hitter so far, Hannah. <–Almost palindrome!
Freddy Galvis – 2-for-4, with a run and an RBI. He’s hitting near .400 over the last week and… nothing. It’s good to see him hitting, but he could steal some bases (23 steals last year in the minors). Somebody put Hot Stuff on his feet.
Alfonso Soriano – Before I even say it, I regret it. I So-rue-iano. Yet, he did hit his 2nd homer in as many games yesterday.
Clayton Richard – 7 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks. Hodgepadre!
Chase Headley – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer. Truly a breakout year, which correlates to around 16 homers and a .265 average. The mouth on the left side of the screen says, “Yawn.” The mouth on the right side of the screen says, “stipating.”
Jose Valverde – Tigers are saying Valverde should be back by this weekend. If you own Valverde, I’m not sure if that’s good news. The Tigers are saying Benoit could see saves, but it might also go based on match-ups. Benoit made me think of the WWF, which made me think of Words With Friends. I’m surprised the World Wildlife Federation hasn’t made them change the name to Words With Pals or Words With Entertainment.
Austin Jackson – Left yesterday’s game with an abdominal strain. He might get a precautionary MRI, and we know how well those turn out!
Carlos Quentin – Rehab assignment was shutdown as he needed a cortisone shot. 2008 called and said Carlos Quentin’s stats are being erased; they’re all lies.
Jason Bay – He’s about two weeks away from returning. Yay. Put the ‘Get Well Soon’ balloons on order.
Alex Presley – Has left the building. He had the full-time job, but he Mr. Bungled it and is off to the minors. Mr. Bungled it so bad the Pirates are turning to McLousy or Yamaico Navarro. Navarro got the start yesterday and went 0-for-2, and was lifted for a pinch hitter. In the minors, Navarro showed light power (10-ish homers) and light steals (12-ish). He does have 3rd base eligibility in Yahoo and ESPN, but outside of leagues that only play Pirate players, I’d hold for now. And in those leagues, who’s your 2nd draft pick? Jose Tabata? Do you reach for Hanrahan?
Brett Lawrie – Suspended only 4 games, but plans to appeal. I’d love to hear the preliminary appeal discussion with his attorney. Attorney talking to Lawrie, “We can either go with your frustration was stemming from the egregious strike calls made by Bill Miller. Or we can go with a skinny guy in the front row was casting a shadow that made it look like there was a hat rack on the ground.” Lawrie, “I think I can put a hashtag on that second reason.” “Done and done!”
Colby Rasmus – 0-for-4 with 4 high fives to Bautista, Arencibia, Johnson and Encarnacion, who all homered. I think Rasmus also worked in a fist pump to Thames, who doubled.
Kyle Drabek – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. the Yankees. This is coming off a 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER effort vs. the Twins and 5 IP, 5 ER against the Angels, who just fired their hitting coach. Kyle Drabek: I Make Smart Money Look Stupid.
Wilson Betemit – 2-for-7 with his 6th homer. Is Betemit available to teach Ryan Zimmerman how to hit? Cause that would be helpful.
Omar Infante – 3-for-5 with two steals as he bats .336. Omar’s coming yo!
Mike Minor – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER. Not sure if I’ve verbalized it, um, writing, but this Minor shizz has got to be off your team until further notice. You know how they have obits written ahead of time for celebrities? Atlanta reporters have the tweet “Mike Minors” ready to go.
Dustin Ackley – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Hey, his bats finally got back from Japan!
Michael Saunders – 2-for-3 with his 5th steal, which he dedicated to his dad, the Colonel.
Melky Cabrera – Scratched with a sore left toe. He’s day-to-day, or at least that’s what the aliens told me who read his mind despite his best efforts to stop them.
Corey Hart – 1-for-3 with his 8th homer. Surprised to see him in some comments as a guy people can pick up. I’m assuming these leagues are shallow, but, as they said in 14th century China, assuming makes an ass outta of you and Ming. To answer, yeah, he should be owned, especially now because he usually goes on tears.
Brian Dozier – 1-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer in four games, while hitting .286. Okay, I’m talking him up solely because I dropped Cozart for Dozier. Hopefully, things stay rozier.
Trevor Plouffe – 1-for-5 with his 2nd homer. The Eskimos have a name for the sound of crap hitting the toilet water, it’s Plouffe.
Justin Morneau – He was activated from the DL and went 1-for-5. It’s like he never left!
Ryan Doumit – To the DL for three weeks with a strained calf. What an odd thing to find in a colander.
Josh Willingham – 3-for-5, 2 runs and 1 RBI as the Twins scored 11 runs. My fact checking monkey tells me the Twins didn’t carry over this whole year’s worth of runs.
Felix Hernandez – 3 2/3 IP, 6 ER vs. the Indians. F-Her, you should be embarrassed. Luckily, I didn’t use the thesaurus for synonyms for embarrassed. The Native American Anti-Defamation League has enough to deal with.
Bud Norris – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks. I think he might be the unofficial winner of the most comments on whether or not people should pick him up. Yeah, this Bud’s for you.
Carlos Lee – 3-for-4 with his 3rd homer, now hitting near .400 over the last week. Ugh, first Alfonso Soriano, now Carlos Lee. Kick me in the ass and call me Murray Chass.
Andy Dirks – 3-for-4, 2 runs and 1 RBI. Hitting .370 out of the 2 hole. Plouffe!
Eric Hosmer – 0-for-7. Maybe he can work the count into something favorable then they can put in Mitch Maier.
Felipe Paulino – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks. He’s kinda put together three solid starts (his 2nd one vs. the White Sox was a bit of bad luck). His K-rate has always been solid, but his walk rate losses sight of the strike zone sometimes. So far, he’s been in control. The 1-something ERA won’t stay there, but he could be what you thought you were getting from Filthy Sanchez this year (not what you actually got).
Krispie Young – Hit a grand slam in his rehab game. It was shirts vs. I sold my shirt for blow. *checking notes* Nope, different type of rehab.
Albert Pujols – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer to tie Gordon Beckham for 217th best in baseball!
Adam LaRoche – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 7th homer. LaRoche has 29 RBIs and is hitting .339. Yesterday, Hosmer pooped twice.
Wilson Ramos – Going for ACL surgery in 2-3 weeks and won’t be back this year. Bernie Williams, “I’d love to play my guitar at the opening of the ACL!”
Ian Desmond – 1-for-4 with his 5th homer. He’s hitting around .330 over the last week with 2 steals. Shine on you crazy Desmond!
Henry Rodriguez – Got the save yesterday even after Desmond E’d a guy onto base. HanK-Rod still mowed them down, showing no signs of his recent failings. I realized something watching him. He’s Charlie Sheen in Major League (or real life). His stuff is insane, and he can’t control it.
Michael Morse – Made throws yesterday for the first time in several weeks. He said, “I haven’t been throwing, so it was kind of like a monkey riding a bike.” That sounds awesome! I wanna see him throwing through flaming hula hoops while balancing on a seal’s nose! Please!
I had high apple pie in the sky hopes for David Robertson, but no one is safe. “There’s a storm a comin’! Jebediah, should I bring the cows into the barn?” “No, Gissley! It wants our closers!” “But I only have Juan Cruz! And I’s not even sure he’s the set-up man” “It doughs’cent matter!” Really, really shocked by Robertson performance yesterday (2/3 IP, 4 ER), but I guess I shouldn’t be. I’ve officially ‘learned’ Closepocalypse on my computer spellchecker. If Soriano is out there in your league, I’d grab him. The Yankees could flip-flop right back to him since he has ‘closer experience.’ You know, pulling the ol’ Robertson is just more comfortable in the 8th inning shtick. At this rate, Fernando Rodney’s going to be the only $12 Salad next month. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Chris Sale – This is a message from the Emergency Broadcast Network. If you are a closer, just go for an MRI now. You’re pitching with a torn tendon. I repeat, you have a torn tendon. So, Addison Reed might now be the closer on the White Sox, as Sale goes to get an MRI today. Robin Ventura thought a good way to preserve an injured pitcher’s arm was to throw him into high-leverage situations. I say that’s crummy with crackers, but what do I know? I’m just a guy who has a hard time pronouncing the word ‘peculiar.’ If Reed is out there, I’d grab him immediately. If Reed gets the closer job, he has a chance to be a strong Donkeycorn with $12 Salad upside. To all of those who are reading Razzball for the first time, that last sentence wasn’t gibberish. It only sounded like it.
Jeff Niemann – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. the Yankees in the House They Built Across The Street From The House Ruth Built. You got co-jo’s (I’m gonna start saying co-jo’s for cojones; hopefully, it works better than twelve after twenty). I mean, big giant co-jo’s if you went with Niemann in this start, and your co-jo’s were rewarded. Good co-jo’s.
Matt Joyce – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer. His first halves are so obviously hot every year, I’m sorta kicking myself for not owning Joyce. (We should’ve got Beltran in at least one league, too. That one hurts worse. Eh, it’s Monday morning quarterbacking. Beltran could be doing a Torii and vice versa.)
Casey Janssen – Got the save yesterday and will for the immediate future. Doesn’t his last name look like a loveseat at Ikea? Why do you have such crazy spellings and such comfortable furniture? “If you want, I’ll sleep on the Janssen, and you can crash on the Wilhelmsen or Sogard.” Eh, maybe it’s me. Any the hoo! Janssen is now the Blue Jays closer. I doubt this will stick very long, but it wasn’t like Santos is on the DL with a chipped tooth. WAPU! (Where Available Pick Up — Note to self: Acronyms aren’t that handy when I have to spell out what they mean.)
Brandon Morrow – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners (4 BBs), 10 Ks. Hey, I heard you were a wild one… Does Flo Rida rhyme Cus D’AMato in that song? So Morrow is back to the crazy K/walk guy that I once loved? I don’t get it, but I offered Rudy a bet that Morrow will have at least a 3.75 ERA the rest of the way, and Rudy didn’t jump at the wager, offering me back 3.50. Whatever the case, he’s not staying at 2.27 ERA, where he’s currently at.
J.P. Arencibia – 1-for-4 with his 3rd homer. He has 2 homers in the last week and is hitting over .400. What’s your craptcher doing?
Ike Davis – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer. I wouldn’t say he’s alive yet (still hitting .179), but he definitely hit a homer yesterday (maybe while sleepwalking). It seems pretty implausible that he has an average under .250 this year, so it’ll take a whole lot of tryin’ (and some hits) just to get up that hill.
Jeanmar Gomez – 7 IP, 8 ER, 13 baserunners, 2 Ks. Hopefully not too many of you went for this Cleveland Streamer.
Zack Greinke – 8 IP, 2 H, 11 Ks. He’s turned into the ultimate homeschooler since he’s become a Brewer. Last year, his Home/Away ERA was 3.13/4.70. This year, it’s 1.80/7.20. Maybe someone can start packing Greinke’s blankie with him on road trips.
Ryan Braun – 2-for-4 with his 10th homer to raise his average to .313. Let’s do a first tier of the top ten check (which is kinda like a cup check but less stressful): 1. Braun — Fine. 2. Miggy — Fine. 3. Pujols — Maybe it’s not less stressful. 4. Votto — Maybe you hit for power. 5. Bautista — Well, Braun and Miggy are good.
Aroldis Chapman – Moved his record to 3-0 and his ratios to 0.00 ERA and 0.57 WHIP with 27 Ks in 15 2/3 IP. Is there any other rotation Aroldis wouldn’t be a part of in the history of baseball? The 1971 O’s? The 1920 White Sox? The 1889 Spiders?
Johnny Cueto – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks to lower his ERA to 1.12. He’s in such a zone, right now every batter he sees he pictures Jason LaRue.
Drew Stubbs – 2-for-4, as he stole 3rd base with two outs in a 0-0 game. Later, Brandon Phillips stole 2nd with two outs in the 9th inning with Bruce at bat and the pitcher’s slot up next, which meant the other team would walk Bruce to get to the Reds’ best pinch hitter, Miguel Cairo. Dusty Baker may be a lot of things, but he’s definitely a SAGNOF loyalist. Who steals with Bruce up in the 9th inning with two outs knowing they’ll walk him? So bonkers. Why isn’t Buzz Bissinger following around Dusty Baker for one season to record his moves? “Today, Dusty Baker had the infield play on the grass for five innings accidentally when he moved his toothpick to the left side of his mouth.”
Sean Marshall – Why do I feel like we should start calling the site Razzball: All Saves, All the Time. Marshall tried to blow yesterday’s game, but instead gave up a solo homer to Braun and Dusty pulled him, so Logan Ondrusek picked up the save. Marshall’s been pretty bad (almost 5 ERA, 1.55 WHIP), so I wouldn’t be surprised if Dusty does go to Chapman or Logan. You can’t speculate on Chapman in any competitive leagues, because he’s owned, but there’s always Ondrusek — it’s the age of Ikea furniture!
Jonathan Sanchez – To the Disgraceful List. We may never see him again in the under four epoch. Or ERA, if you don’t have a grade schooler’s tendency to overuse a thesaurus.
Josh Johnson – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks. When the FIP meets the pavement, Johnson takes off. I’m not totally convinced he’s fully around the corner, but he’s obviously no longer doing donuts in Garbageville.
Steve Cishek – Do you even have to ask what the new closer for the Marlins did? Do you really need to ask? Of course you don’t, but I’ll tell ya. He blew the save. It wasn’t totally his fault, but Mujica still may steal more glances from Ozzie’s Neck Towel.
Christian Friedrich – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks. As previously mentioned the other day aforementionedly, I like Friedrich in NL-Only leagues. His K/BB rate was very solid in the minors and now that he’s done what he did vs. the Padres, he’ll get the Giants next. Yes, please and thank you.
Josh Willingham – 2-for-4 with his 6th homer. Back from his cold sores, he’s got a hot bat. Googler of “cold sores” + “hot bat,” we won’t judge you here.
Danny Valencia – Twins optioned him to Triple-A. Twins are hoping to get Valencia going against lesser competition and split squad games are so Spring Training.
Francisco Liriano – Demoted to the bullpen because the Twins didn’t want their Triple-A team to get any worse.
Erik Bedard – Left the 2nd inning with back spasms. Doesn’t sound too bad, so he’ll probably miss a month.
Andrew McCutchen – 4-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer in as many games. Giancarlo’s plus one for the 2nd Rounders Who Were Disappointing Party finally showed up. Someone should ring up Hanley and Reyes so these flat breads don’t go to waste.
Joel Hanrahan – Got the save yesterday, but Hanrahanananananananan’s nananananananananana passed away and he will be out on bereavement this Friday. Grilli or Juan Cruz could see saves this weekend. In one league, I threw another closer on the Grilli.
Allen Craig – Hit his 3rd homer. All he’s done is hit since his return from the DL. Speaking of DL stints, Berkman’s due back Friday. Playing time is a concern for Craig, but I’m thinking the Cards have to play him. Your deity of choice knows their blahtoon at 2nd base isn’t working, so Craig could move there.
J.J. Putz – 2/3 IP, 4 ER to raise his ERA to 9.00. It was a non-save situation, but I’m beginning to think by July there’s gonna be teams dialing up Alfonseca to close games. Maybe they can get a six-finger discount.
Adam Dunn – Hit his 10th homer yesterday. I was obviously wrong that Dunn was done. Bunyan’s still got some lumber. Big Donkey’s still deserves the brays. Adam’s the apple of every fantasy baseballer (<–my mom’s term!) who wants 30+ homers and a lousy average. It was mocked when Ventura put Dunn in the three hole, but I’m not sure it was a stroke of genius or every move Ventura’s done so far is dopey, but if you throw enough shizz against the wall, something will stick. And something will stink.
Tim Lincecum – 5 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 8 Ks. On the bright side, there was only two walks and 8 Ks. On the less bright side, it was two walks in only five innings and he gave up 8 hits and 4 runs.
Jake Peavy – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks to lower his ERA to 1.89. It’s silly early to be saying this, but it wouldn’t shock me to see him in the Cy Young running, if he stays healthy. Then next year, I’ll like him a lot and he’ll get hurt in April.
Drew Storen – Might throw this week putting him on schedule to return in early June. I hope he has a setback because I have HanK-Rod in a few leagues, but that’s just me.
Chris Johnson – 1-for-3 with his 4th homer. Or 4 homers in the last week. Maybe I should’ve dropped Zimmerman when he returned from the DL. Things that make you go hmm…
Yoenis Cespedes – Has a strained muscle in his left hand. The A’s are saying he can avoid the DL and could be in the lineup as early as today. Michael Moore offered to take Yoenis back to Cuba for tests, but he declined.
Will Middlebrooks – Bobby Valentine said Middlebrooks won’t play the outfield, but will send him back to the minors when Youuuuuuuuuk returns. Unless they can make Youuuuuuuuuk into gluuuuuuuuue.
Jason Vargas – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks. Marginer!
Tim Hudson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 1 K. I’d put him in the same class as Big Z, Capuano, Dempster (a tad better) and Ted Lilly, i.e., more valuable on your team than what you can get for them in a trade.
Rafael Dolis – A 1-2-3 inning to get the save. It was a pleasant alternative to Marmol save opps. Those usually sound like “SuperCarlosfrigginMarmolpissshitjustbringinRafaelDolis…”
Well, not much has changed for closers since last month when we did a run down of all of them. Kimbrel got a save, Axford got a save, and everyone else sucks. Holly Robinson Peete closers are a mess! I don’t think there’s ever been so many Brain Freezes before. I almost feel like adding an extra category below the Brain Freezes called, “The Legend of Gloom.” Wha’ happened? Did someone poison the bullpen water? Has Mariano Rivera made it so when he retires there won’t be any more closers? There will only be starters and “Those Other Guys.” To recap this month in closing quickly: Valverde has been less than stellar, Putz and Street just don’t close games, Motte hasn’t been good, Brian Wilson became Casilla who Bochy pulled after one batter during one game, Joel Hanrahananananan gave fantasy owners the question, “Who’s Juan Cruz?”, Sergio Santos may start throwing at some point in the next few weeks, the Red Sox gave the job to someone who has an over 10 ERA, Frank-Frank hasn’t had a blank-blank inning in forever, Kyle Farnsworth left stage right and Rodney, who couldn’t get saves last year, entered stage “I can’t believe Rodney’s closing games,” Guerra’s been about as bad as expected, Walden blew one save and lost the job, What the H. Santiago?, What the H. Bell?, Grant Balfour might get traded, Jim Johnson gave fantasy owners the question, “Juan Cruz or Pedro Strop? Wait, who?”, the closers on terrible teams have looked good so they’ll probably be traded or just not save games, and Brad Lidge is afraid of heights and the mound is above the field so he went to the DL which is on sea level. Got all of that? Yeah, I’m not sure I did either. Anyway, here’s all the closers for 2012 fantasy baseball:
$12 Salads
You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.
1. Craig Kimbrel (Jonny Venters, Kris Medlen) 2. John Axford(Francisco Rodriguez) 3. Mariano Rivera (David Robertson, Rafael Soriano) 4. Jonathon Papelbon (Antonio Bastardo, Chad Qualls)
Donkeycorns
Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns. 5. Huston Street (+3) (Luke Gregerson, Andrew Cashner) 6. Jim Johnson (+15) (Pedro Strop, Matt Lindstrom) 7. Joel Hanrahan(+4) (Juan Cruz, Jason Grilli) 8. J.J. Putz(-2) (David Hernandez, Bryan Shaw) 9. Jason Motte (-1) (Fernando Salas, Mitchell Boggs) 10.Jose Valverde(-6) (Joaquin Benoit, Octavio Dotel) 11. Rafael Betancourt (+7) (Rex Brothers) 12. Brandon League(+6) (Tom Wilhelmsen) 13. Fernando Rodney (Joel Peralta, Jake McGee) 14. Grant Balfour(+6) (Brian Fuentes, Ryan Cook)
15. Brett Myers(+8) (David Carpenter, Brandon Lyon) 16. Joe Nathan(+6) (Mike Adams, Alexi Ogando) 17. Kenley Jansen/Javy Guerra (+2) (Matt Guerrier)
Brain Freeze
I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Matt Capps– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Valencia in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.
18. Sean Marshall(+3) (Aroldis Chapman, Jose Arredondo)
19. Santiago Casilla (-10) (Sergio Romo, Jeremy Affeldt) 20. Chris Perez (+4) (Vinnie Pestano, Tony Sipp)
21. Matt Capps (+6) (Glen Perkins, Jared Burton) 22. Jonathan Broxton(+6) (Aaron Crow) 23. Henry Rodriguez (+6) (Tyler Clippard, Brad Lidge) 24. Frank Francisco(-8) (Jon Rauch, Bobby Parnell, Ramon Ramirez) 25. Alfredo Aceves(-13) (Franklin Morales, Daniel Bard) 26. Carlos Marmol(-11) (Rafael Dolis, Kerry Wood) 27. Heath Bell (-19) (Steve Cishek, Edward Mujica) 28.Scott Downs(-11) (Jordan Walden, LaTroy Hawkins) 29. Matt Thornton/Hector Santiago(-1) (Addison Reed, Jesse Crain) 30. Francisco Cordero (-15) (Casey Janssen, Luis Perez, Sergio Santos, Lloyd Moseby)
