Fantasy Baseball Advice

We at Razzball realize that exporting our views across the country has damaging consequences on the blogosphere. To help make amends, we are reaching out to leading team blogs and featuring their locally blogged answers to pressing 2010 fantasy baseball questions regarding their team. We feel this approach will be fresher, more sustainable, and require less energy consumption (for us anyway). The 2010 Cubs Fantasy Baseball Preview comes courtesy of Hire Jim Essian.

1) Most of last year it looked like Soto was taking batting lessons from Barry Foote, but I still foresee a nice bounce back for Geovany Soto in 2010.  Are you as optimistic?  What do you see his 2010 looking like?

Now that Soto is no longer smoking weed and swallowing entire birthday cakes whole, I’m going to label myself as “cautiously optimistic” that his 2010 numbers will look more like his 2008 numbers than his 2009 numbers.  In 2008, Soto struck out twice as often as he walked.  Last year, it was closer to 1 1/2 times as often, which is encouraging.  But I have a penchant toward pessimism, so I give three warnings:

1. In 2008, Soto had guys like Mark DeRosa and Jim Edmonds hitting behind him, for the most part.  In 2009, he had dwarves like Aaron Miles, Mike Fontenot, and mighty Sam Fuld hitting behind him.  After the success Soto had during his 2008 season, was the increase in his walk rate a matter of him getting pitched around more often during 2009?

2. In his entire professional career, Soto has had only two good years, 2007 in Iowa and 2008 in Chicago, when he had a very uncharacteristic power surge.  Are those seasons anomalies, or is this a matter of a guy “figuring it out”?

3. I won’t bother asking the weight loss questions that everyone has to ask thanks to Mark McGwire, but allegedly losing 40 pounds in three months is pretty dramatic.  Even if Soto did drop nothing but fat, how will that affect his power?  The fattest guys in my slow-pitch softball league hit the ball the farthest, so I will assume the exact same principle applies to baseball.
It sounds like Lou Piniella is going to bat Soto no higher than 7th in the lineup in 2010, meaning the only protection he’ll get behind him will come on days when Carlos Zambrano is pitching.  I will cautiously say Soto will rebound from his terrible 2009 year, hit 20 home runs, and drive in 75.

2) Pitching better in the majors than in the minors isn’t supposed to happen. Yet, Randy Wells pulled it off last year.  Can he repeat?

No, but that doesn’t mean he won’t be solid.  Wells was a great story last year, made greater by the fact that when the league started to figure him out and hit him, the Cubs had already decided to make the NL Central race uninteresting, so no one was watching anymore.  Basically each month that passed, Well’s K/BB ratio dropped, and his WHIP and opponents’ OPS rose.  Of course, Wells’ “worst” month was August, when, despite a Jason Marquis-esque 1.421 WHIP, he still managed to post a 3.69 ERA.

Don’t expect Wells’ ERA to be hovering around 3 at the end of next season, but I think you can reasonably expect it to be around 4, with somewhere in the neighborhood of 12 wins.  Remember Matt Clement?  I think Wells is him with fewer strikeouts.

3) Alfonso Soriano looked every bit of his Latin 34 last year.  Is there any hope that he has one last 30 homer, 20 steal season in him?

His days of stealing bases are as far behind him as his 37th birthday, but there’s no reason Soriano’s power shouldn’t be back.  The guy swings a tree trunk and tries to pull everything that’s thrown at him.  On the rare occasion when his chunk of tree makes contact with the ball, the ball goes far.  I’ve always thought Soriano is the type of hitter you want batting fifth in your lineup.  He has power, and with guys on base, there is absolutely no way he’s going to take a walk and let Mike Fontenot try to drive in a run.  Lou, apparently, feels differently, though, as it looks like Soriano is going to hit behind Marlon Byrd during the 100 games that he’s actually healthy.  Soriano should hit 30+ home runs, and with him finally down in the lineup where he should be, he could break the 80-RBI threshold for the first time as a Cub.

4) Like going into Karma in Seaside, the stench of Aramis from last year is foul.  Can he stay healthy in 2010 and get back to 30+ homers?

I hate you for making me look up what “Karma in Seaside” is.  Aramis is the best player on the Cubs, despite what the dopes wearing Theriot jerseys may say (I’ve seen GROWN MEN wearing them, for God’s sake).  Aramis started last year red-hot, and his injury was a freak occurrence.  It still burns me that the Cubs were too stupid to realize they were out of the NL Central race some time during August.  Aramis’ injury was bad, and if I had my druthers, Aramis would have been shut down and had shoulder surgery in August or September.  Instead, he finished the season and skipped surgery for cockfighting.  Oops.

Injury aside, Aramis’ swing is too line-drivey to ever make him a prodigious home run hitter.  I think he’ll hit 25+ home runs and lead the team in balls hit on the fly off the outfield wall.

5) Let’s say a half-faced Frank Langella offers you the chance to see the Cubs win the World Series but you’ll have to press a button.  Once pressed, it will force someone on the current 25-man Cubs roster or coaching staff to be fused at the hip to Milton Bradley for a year.  Whom would you choose and why do you hate them so much?

So, YOU’RE the person who saw The Box.  Can the Cubs re-sign Aaron Miles, just so I can include him in this deal?  No?  Then, without a doubt, I would choose Ryan Theriot for a few reasons.

1. I really want Starlin Castro to start at shortstop for the majority of the year.
2. I hate him.
3. He is a terrible baserunner.
4. He needs a running start to throw the ball on a fly to first base.
5. He is the most inexplicably beloved Cub since Augie Ojeda.
6. I hate him.

Can I push the button twice, so the Cubs sweep the White Sox in the Series at the cost of having Ryan Dempster fused to Milton’s other hip?  Doing an impression of Will Ferrell doing an impression of Harry Caray is not much of an impression at all, my friend.

Dogging Aramis Ramirez as someone who’s overrated in 2010 fantasy baseball seems odd.  He was hurt last year and that was coming off two years when he was just a’ight.  And just a’ight is several levels removed from a’ight a’ight.  Just a’ight is not even the same as just a’ight.  On the scale of a’ight, there’s a’ight a’ight, a’ight, pretty a’ight, just a’ight.  Not to mention, we’re talking about a’ight here.  We’re not talking about him on the scale of totes crazy.  He hasn’t been totes crazy since 2006.  Back then, I could see throwing on some Aramis.  That shizz was Spanish Fly.  In 2006, he threw up a line of 93/38/119/.291/2.  Nice, next time I see 2005 I’ll tell him to keep an eye out for that.  This year I have Aramis down for 75/25/95/.290.  Adrian Beltre looks at those numbers and shrugs.  Don’t trust me and my mustache?  Bill James has him down for 76/26/97/.292; CHONE has 67/22/84/.289; Marcel has 59/18/72/.290.  Points Shares has him at 122th, earning -.26 points.  Sweet, throw him in a pot with some bell peppers and cumin and you have crap.

I know what a lot of you are thinking.  What the eff does totes crazy mean? Actually, I thought you were thinking Aramis will beat my projections this year because it’s a contract year.  Ah, yes.  The contract year theory.  For those not in the know, the contract year theory is when someone’s production peaks the year they are about to enter free agency, allowing them to cash in.  The first known example of the contract year theory was when Noah built the ark before signing a lifetime contract that produced nothing except odd texts about animal fornication.  It didn’t catch on in baseball for many years later.  In 1897, the Cleveland Spiders management gave a $50 raise to Sparky Anklebiter after a massive 3 HR season only to see him drop to 0 HRs the next year.  I wish someone would flip the script on players who play well in their contract year.  I’d love to hear a negotiation go something like this, “For you to be so much better in your contract year, it means you were sandbagging it for the previous three years.  Yeah, we want someone who sandbags it.  We’re going to sign Jack Wilson instead.  He throws well.”  Okay, now for actual examples of contract year players from last year:  Beltre (8 homers and crizzap), Rick Ankiel (lots of strikeouts, ugly bout with an outfield wall), Erik Bedard (usual injury shizz), Khalil Greene (ended up in the psyche ward), Rich Harden (see Bedard), Brett Myers (bunch of hits off him, some thrown at his wife) and Xavier Nady (season ended April 14th).  Yay, contract year theory.  That shizz is foolproof.

Aramis Ramirez is currently being drafted on average around 60th.  That’s about 3 rounds too early.  He’s overrated.  Grey out.

We finish off the infield with the top 20 3rd basemen for 2010 fantasy baseball.  The top 20 2010 fantasy baseball rankings from shallowest to deepest go catchers, shortstops, third basemen, 2nd basemen then 1st basemen.  That’s right, I think the 2nd basemen are deeper than the 3rd basemen.  3rd base gets the gas face.  Last year, I punted 3rd base knowing I could get Mark Reynolds late.  This year, Stewart’s my sleeper du jour, but because of the lack of 3rd base options, he’s not even making it into the 10th round of most drafts.  That’s a bad sign.  As with other top 20 rankings, I list where I see tiers beginning and ending and my projections.  Anyway, here’s the top 20 3rd basemen for 2010 fantasy baseball:

1. Alex Rodriguez – See the top 10 for 2010 fantasy baseball for A-Rod’s projections.

2. Evan Longoria – See the top 20 for 2010 fantasy baseball for Longoria’s projections.

3. David Wright – See the top 20 for 2010 fantasy baseball for Wright’s projections.

4. Ryan Zimmerman – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here to Sandoval.  I call this tier, “You didn’t get a top 3rd baseman, so here you are.”  Zimmerman finally came into his own last year.  The homers might plateau around 30 and the average probably won’t go above .300… Then again, he’s only 25 years old and he has some speed potential…. Then again, the Nats have put the brakes on him to avoid injury.  Either either way, Zimmerman’s on the rise with solid power, Runs, RBIs and average.  Hmm… Sounds a lot like Youuuuuk.  2010 Projections:  105/30/110/.295/5

5. Kevin Youkilis – See the top 20 1st basemen for 2010 fantasy baseball post for Youkilis’s projections.

6. Mark Reynolds – See the top 20 for 2010 fantasy baseball for Reynolds’s projections.

7. Pablo Sandoval – See the top 20 1st basemen for 2010 fantasy baseball post for Sandoval’s projections.

8. Chone Figgins – This is a new tier.  This is a one man tier.  I call this tier, “You better have some serious power from your middle infielders to support Figgy’s dearth.” Figgy’s Dearth is also a great speed metal band.  2010 Projections:  105/5/55/.295/40

9. Gordon Beckham – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here to Beltre.  I call this tier, “Upside, no upside, upside, no upside, no upside.”  I went over my Gordon Beckham fantasy already.  At that post, I said, “Shoot, Jacquese from The Real World: San Diego could probably see the bottom.”  Then I said, “It’s impossible; LaRussa tried it briefly with Pujols.”  Finally, I said, “I love you, Gordon Beckham even if you sound British and their teeth aren’t the best.”  Hmm… Gotta work on what quotes I pull.  2010 Projections:  85/18/63/.260/14

10. Michael Young – Which percentage doesn’t fit — 8.6%, 6.9%, 7.2% or 14.9%?  If you answered anything other than 14.9%, you might’ve stopped at the “or.”  Fair enough, I do that sometimes.  Those percentages were his last four years of HR/FB.  He’s really not a 20 homer hitter or.  2010 Projections:  75/14/90/.315/10

11. Ian Stewart – I went over Stewart’s projections in the top 20 2nd basemen for 2010 fantasy baseball post.  He also received an Ian Stewart sleeper thing-a-ma-whosie.

12. Aramis Ramirez – He’s Pablo Sandoval with injury concerns, a slightly lower average and no upside.  Aramis is only 31 so you may not want to write him off, but he hasn’t hit more than 30 homers since 2006 so I’m writing him off.  2010 Projections:  75/25/95/.290

13. Chipper Jones – Last year, Chipper played in the most games in a season since 2003 and he had his worst season ever.  Hey, Chipper, maybe don’t push yourself so hard to play injured.  ‘09 wasn’t a sign that he can’t still hit .310, just some bad luck.  2010 Projections:  75/20/85/.310/5

14. Adrian Beltre – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here to Cantu.  I call this tier, “You might want to drop these guys from your team before May 1st.”  God knows Beltre had his balls busted enough last year, but in 449 ABs, he hit 8 homers.  So did Gregg Zaun.  The move to Fenway has to help a bit, right?  Sure, or at least that’s what I said.  2010 Projections:  70/24/80/.275/10

15. Mark DeRosa – Is DeRosa a 20 homer hitter or a platoon player?  That’s something to *pinkie to mouth* ponderosa.  2010 Projections:  65/18/75/.265/3

16. Jorge Cantu – I could’ve put Casey Blake here, but what fun is that?  Wait, what fun is Cantu? Yeah, true.  Cantu hit 7 homers in April then took a Taco Bell-sized dump for 4 months.  The batting woes may be attributed to a sore wrist.  In September, he started hitting again.  May have been due to his wrist coming around.  Then again, maybe you’ll want to drop him by mid-April.  It’s called a flier, ya’ll.  2010 Projections:  65/18/80/.280

17. Chris Davis – Only has 11 games at 3rd base so Davis may not have eligibility in your league.  This is a new tier.  This is the last tier and I call it, “Your last chance for some upside.”  See the top 20 1st basemen for 2010 fantasy baseball post for Davis’s projections.

18. Jake Fox – Went over my Jake Fox fantasy already.  2010 Projections:  75/24/85/.250

19. Alex Gordon – You know that scene in Notting Hill when Hugh Grant walks through the market and it goes from autumn to spring?  What, not lame enough?  Okay, here’s a lamer example.  You know when Bella is staring out the window in New Moon and the seasons change as the camera goes around her?  Yeah, that’s Alex Gordon staring at his career.  He’ll only be 26 in 2010 and he’s still capable of the upside he hinted at, oh, 4 years ago when he hit 29 homers and stole 22 bases in Double-A and followed that with a 15/14 year with the Royals in 2007, but it’s really getting to be now or never.  2010 Projections:  75/17/85/.270/12

20. Casey McGehee – I went over McGehee’s projections in the top 20 2nd basemen for 2010 fantasy baseball post.

20 1/2. Andy LaRoche – This guy needs Troy Dunn to find his upside.  I contemplated leaving LaRoche off entirely because I can’t imagine him putting together a season to make him worthwhile for fantasy, except for stretches when he can be grabbed off of waivers.  2010 Projections:  75/16/70/.270/3

After the top 20 third basemen for 2010 fantasy baseball, there’s some guys, but these two stand out:

Chase Headley – First off, I’d draft Headley before LaRoche.  I only placed them in this order because I wanted to highlight Headley.  So consider him highlighted.  Headley can get 25 homers and steal 10 bases.  Will he?  Who am, Nostradumbass?  I don’t know.  But someone who can produce that should be getting more pub than he has.  I’m righting wrongs like a modern day superhero.  Well, not really, but I am wearing a cape.  2010 Projections:  70/20/85/.290/10

Brandon Wood – The Angels trust him at 3rd about as much as The Old Man trusts Chumlee, but they gotta give Wood the keys to the Imperial at some point.  Don’t they?  2010 Projections: 60/25/75/.250/7 <–optimistic, but whatever

Catchers, 1st basemen, 2nd basemen and shortstops for 2009 have been accounted for.  Up now, the top 20 3rd basemen for 2009 fantasy baseball.   Lots of surprises in the top 20 for 3rd basemen.  On top, Mini-Donkey, Figgy, Longoria and Kung Fu Panda, which sounds like an anime cartoon that has a 75% chance of giving you a seizure.  (BTW, anyone ever watch anime?  It’s about giant robots that want to be loved.  That shizz is depressing.)  Then when you get to around the halfway mark-o, the drop off is precipitous. Anyway, here’s the top 20 3rd basemen for 2009 fantasy baseball and how they compared to where I originally ranked them:

1. Mark Reynolds – Went over him in the top 20 1st basemen post.  Preseason Rank #14, 2009 Projections:  75/31/100/.255/7, Final Numbers:  98/44/102/.260/24

2. Chone Figgins – He’s actually right in line with the stats I predicted for him in the preseason.  So I knew exactly what he’d give you/me and I ranked him 15th.  This seems like crazy talk from a mental patient.  I’ve said it before, I’m obviously about to say it again.  I don’t like owning steals at 3rd base.  It puts you at a major disadvantage in the power department.  If you get 5 homers from your 3rd baseman, you better have Utley, Hill or Tulo giving you major power from your middle infield spots.  And, even then, I’d prefer to get 40 steals from a waiver wire pickup like Rajai Davis.  Preseason Rank #15, 2009 Projections:  95/5/55/.295/35, Final Numbers:  114/5/54/.298/42

3. Evan Longoria – He was right in line with my preseason predictions, but for some reason his season felt disappointing.  Not disappointing where he would be dropped in rankings for next season.  Not disappointing where he actually performed below expectations.  Disappointing in that he didn’t completely blow away expectations.  Kinda like how I felt after watching the first two seasons of Mad Men on DVD.  Solid, but wasn’t it supposed to be even better than that?  Preseason Rank #2, 2009 Projections:  85/30/110/.275/7, Final Numbers:  100/33/113/.281/9

4. Pablo Sandoval – Went over him in the top 20 Catchers post. Preseason Rank #13, 2009 Projections:  60/14/65/.300, Final Numbers:  79/25/90/.330/5

5. Ryan Zimmerman – Zimmerman could’ve easily fell into the Alex Gordon, Delmon Young class with a poor season in 2009.  Luckily for him and his owners, he finally took the next step with his power.  Unfortunately, somewhere between Jim Bowden riding his Segway out of town and the Nats having another terrible season, Zimmerman stopped running.  Preseason Rank #10, 2009 Projections:  80/20/90/.285/7, Final Numbers:  110/33/106/.292/2

6. Kevin Youkilis – Went over him in the top 20 1st basemen post.  Preseason Rank #4, 2009 Projections:  95/27/110/.290/5, Final Numbers:  99/27/94/.305/7

7. David Wright – If I would’ve told you in March that you’d get 27 steals from Wright, I imagine you would’ve been over the moon, or whatever that old-timey expression is.  In 2009, Wright pulled his best impersonation of Alex Rios circa 2008.  Numbers aren’t necessarily terrible.  They’re just not at all what you expected.  If you wanted 10 homers and 25+ steals in the first round, you would’ve taken Victorino with the third pick of the draft.  Preseason Rank #1, 2009 Projections:  110/33/120/.310/14, Final Numbers: 88/10/72/.307/27

8. Alex Rodriguez – A-Rod ended giving a lot more steals than I thought he would.  Now, for the first time in a long time, he might actually be underrated going into next season.  Preseason Rank #5, 2009 Projections:  70/24/75/.295/4, Final Numbers:  78/30/100/.286/14

9. Michael Young – Went over him in the top 20 shortstops post.  Didn’t have 3rd base eligibility in the preseason so was unranked.  2009 Projections:  100/10/85/.310/10, Final Numbers:  76/22/68/.322/8

10. Marco Scutaro – Went over him in the top 20 2nd basemen post. Final Numbers:  100/12/60/.282/14

11. Adam Kennedy – Went over him in the top 20 2nd basemen post.  Final Numbers:  65/11/63/.289/20

12. Chris Coghlan – Knowing I’m against Figgins as your third baseman, you can imagine how I feel about Coghlan.  The fact he ranked so high on this list really tells you all you need to know about the state of the hot corner.  If you take nothing away from this, know you want a 1st baseman in your corner infidel spot, not a 3rd baseman.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  84/9/47/.321/8

13. Jorge Cantu – This was a classic terrible season that can absolutely kill your team.  I’ll explain.  You watch him come out of the gates in April on fire (7/22/.365).  You’re aware that he hit 29 homers the year before.  You’re psyched.  You just drafted Cantu later than most and now he’s going to have a career year.  May comes, he’s bad.  You know he’ll get better because April was so good.  June comes and he’s hitting for average again, but no pop.  You’re starting to get worried.  Was April a fluke?  July comes and he hits for average and still no power.  You’re officially sick of him.  August comes and the bottom falls out.  Finally, you’ve had enough.  You drop him.  Then, in September, he hits again on someone else’s team.  Finally, you find out Cantu impregnated your sister.  Preseason Rank #9, 2009 Projections:  80/25/90/.270/5, Final Numbers:  67/16/100/.289/3

14. Scott Rolen – Member back in the day when 85/20/95/.285 were “Injured Scott Rolen” numbers.  Well, get a load of what “Healthy Scott Rolen” numbers look like now…  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  76/11/67/.305/5

15. Casey Blake – When I went back to see where I ranked Blake in the preseason, I was actually kinda surprised I didn’t.  I think what happened was I started figuring out his predictions then I fell asleep.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  84/18/79/.280/3

16. Alberto Callaspo – Went over him in the top 20 2nd basemen post. Final Numbers:  79/11/73/.300/2

17. Russell Branyan – Here’s a guy that is the exact opposite of Jorge Cantu.  He gave you all the stats you needed from him then went to the DL.  Preseason Unranked, though he did appear in the first Buy/Sell of the season listed as a Buy.  Then he appeared in a late summer Sell column right before he disappeared into the abyss.  Net-net, natch.  Final Numbers:  64/31/76/.251/2

18. Mike Lowell – In January, I said, “‘Hip surgery on an old doode,” my trepidation says.”  And that’s me quoting my trepidation!  Preseason Rank #19, 2009 Projections:  75/20/85/.275, Final Numbers:  54/17/75/.290/2

19. Chipper Jones – This was the year the Glass Chipper shattered.  Preseason Rank #6, 2009 Projections:  80/20/85/.320/5, Final Numbers:  80/18/71/.264/4

20. Aramis Ramirez – Not only did the two month DL stint murder his numbers, but even when he returned he didn’t always look like himself.  I blame Milton Bradley.  Preseason Rank #3, 2009 Projections:  105/30/115/.295, Final Numbers:  46/15/65/.317/2

Yesterday, Shane Victorino went 4-for-5, 4 RBIs, 5 Runs scored and his 6th homer.  For anyone who read the roundups last year, you’re probably wondering where my Victorino love went.  Last year, Victorino was my ‘09 Mark Reynolds.  I saw good value in Victorino last year and pushed him on everyone.  Unfortunately, he met expectations, performed well, his value skyrocketed and I don’t have him on any team this year.  This will be the story next year when I rarely mention Reynolds.  I won’t own him because he’ll be drafted too high in 2010.  Alas, the story of the fantasy baseball ‘pert.  Your loves are forever changing.  One year Jeremy Guthrie, the next year Wandy Rodriguez.  Behind the ’stache lies a fickle man!  But I still gots love for Victorino.  My only concern is how low his steals are this year.  Sitting — literally — on 13 steals.  So run.  You’re The Flying Hawaiian for a reason, not The Taro Masher, poi!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Ryan Howard – The Phils scored 22 runs.  Howard went 1-for-4, no Runs and one RBI.  Ticker Tease!

Jimmy Rollins – 3-for-4, 1 RBI, 4 Runs scored.  Batting near .400 in July.  Let’s not call him fixed yet, but we’re heading in the right direction.

Jayson Werth – Hit his 17th homer yesterday and drove in his 46, 47, 48, 49 and 50th RBIs.  Have I mentioned the Phils scored a lot of runs yesterday?

Cole Hamels – 7 IP, 1 ER, only 2 Ks.  A start against a team that isn’t scoring many runs and is down ten runs after the first inning is a nice place to be pitching from.  This could be the confidence boost Hamels needs moving forward.

Johnny Cueto – 2/3 IP, 9 ER.  The pimple-faced teenager tried to warn you.  I’m thinking it might be hard to Sell him now.  I wouldn’t panic and drop him out of spite.  He won’t be this bad the rest of the year.  In fact, he gets the Mets in Metco next.

Paul Janish – In relief he went, one inning and gave up 6 runs.  He still pitched better than Cueto.

Jonny Gomes – HR yesterday.  Reds face four lefties this week.  Play the matchups, dear Razzball reader.

Randy Johnson – Hit the DL with a case of Old.

Kevin Slowey – He has a strained wrist.  This was the best case scenario.  No, that’s not right. Best case scenario would be he’s healthy… Actually, best case scenario is he was healthy and pitching well.  So the good news is Slowey received the 3rd best best case scenario.

Rick Porcello – Now his spot in the rotation is getting skipped.  Next thing, he’ll be pitching out of the bullpen in August.  Then shutdown in September.  Finally, buying Leyland Camels in March.  It’s the circle of life.

Randy Wells – 6 IP, 2 ER, 4 Ks, no BBs.  Has a 2.48 ERA on the year.  I was worried after his start vs. the Twins when he went 3 2/3 IP and gave 4 runs.  I’m still hestitant about a young pitcher in Wrigley, but he’s done little to not trust him.  Fall backwards into his arms.  He’ll catch you.  At least for another start or two, then we’ll have to reevualate.

Aramis Ramirez – Returned and went 0-for-4.  This is unconfirmed, but Cubs fans are saying he would’ve had four hits, but Bradley forgot to run in front of him.

Jair Jurrjens – 6 IP, 4 ER, one K.  Meesa tinks Jar-Jar’s got a few more of these yawnstipating starts in him.

Willie Bloomquist – Hit his 2nd homer yesterday.  He dedicated the shot to Jay Buhner.

John Smoltz – 6 IP, 5 ER.  I don’t own Smoltz anywhere, because, well, there’s NL fish in the sea, but if I did own him, I’d be concerned.  These weren’t exactly the Gene Tenace A’s he was facing.  He gets the Willie Bloomquist Royals next time out, if that goes poorly, might be time to pull the ripcord.

Orlando Cabrera – Now here’s an exciting name!  He’s hit two homers in the last two games.  Do with that info what you must, but if you ask me if you should pick him up, I’m going to say, “Bleh.”

Brett Anderson – 9 IP, 9 Ks as he two-hit the Sawx.  I still wouldn’t pick him up, but you know what’s fun?  The first three months of any relationship.  Yes, but besides that, the way the A’s call up just about anyone.  Anderson would be pitching in Double-A right now for just about any other organization. No expectations is just another word for nothing left to lose.

Mike Hampton – 7 IP, 1 ER.  Took care of the Pirates yesterday, will get the Nats next time out.  That’s a decent spot start, assuming he doesn’t end up on the DL by this weekend.

Kevin Millwood – 5 IP, 9 ER.  Well, we both knew it was coming.  As my Polish neighbor from my childhood would say, “What can do?”

Josh Hamilton – Returned and went 2-for-4.  See, he does deserve to be in the All-Star Game!

Jarrod Washburn – Threw a one-hitter shutout yesterday vs. the Orioles.  On the positives, showing great command with only 26 walks in 105 1/3 IP and a spacious park.  On the flip side, not a lot of Ks and very little run support.  Potatoes to chips, Washburn is worth a flier if your team is struggling on WHIP.

Franklin Gutierrez – The Big FraGu has been out of his mind lately batting nearly .500 over his last 7 games.   After hitting .304 in June with 4 homers and 3 steals.  Project that out over the entire season and you have numbers The Big FraGu won’t get.  But Schlemiel! Schlimazel!  He’s worth a pickup while he’s hot.

Justin Upton – 1-for-3, HR and steal yesterday.  Was good to see him do something after going into yesterday’s game 0 for his last 18.

Everth Cabrera – 0-for-3 with two steals.  To say he’s lighting the world on fire would be a lie, but SAGNOF!

Albert Pujols – Over at Rotoworld, they referred to Pujols as Prince Albert. (If you look up Prince Albert, it’s perhaps the only Wikipedia page not safe for work.)  Guess when your last name is Pujols, you get used to harsh nicknames.  With a two ball count, Prince Albert gets the head of the bat in the zone and pierces it up the middle.